In the air

Its done. time to enjoy :] Mord Fustang- In the air. People underestimated me for the last 7 years. I can finally laugh in their face and said ive been waiting for everyone to catch up. I see. Life. I see. Beauty. There is only 1 thing you need. but this isnt a truth for kingsbecause i am no king. This feeling makes me as human as you . I just see everything making sense...this is a treespot moment.

Ressurection

Of course, a man such as myself can not stop blogging. Too cocky and too livid about life and how shit ticks. So here i am telling you GET READY for blog #3. Let me know if you want to know my link because I dont want people that abuse my words for means of manipulation to follow me. If i havent looked into your eyes in the past 4 months for at least a statement and a response, you can assume im talking about you. I need connection and i want to meet people that can teach me something, not people that just absorb my words. im serious. If you want a hint, The blog title will have something to do with my future tattoo. If i cant write my life into the tattoo, why will i get it? so. here. i. GOOO.

Publish it

Without much left to say on my online blog, i want to end it on a friendly note. Something to wrap things up you know? Maybe the father figure i strive to become does not include the indulgence of a blog, who knows an quite frankly who cares?

I use to have it all wrong, I thought as long as i could make a big enough statement in a small enough period of time i can influence any individual, like an equation. I honestly and sincerely believed that. Even though people told me society this society that and that i was considered awkward, i didnt care but now i realize i dont need to change and comform, i just need to make my strong impressions comfortable with the help of confidence. After finding my girl, I realized in order to make a difference i have to listen  first, then make a statement. Such basics to some like ah DAHH and even me im like uhh DAHH when i read it but honestly, men have egos and its true it clouds judgement and predictions which are necessary at times. This is the first step to the realization that my blog has lost its present value. Like a wise man once said, "There are 2 rules for success, the first rule is you never tell everything you know an the second rule is..."

I will continue to forever hold a journal in my bag for my most inspirational moments but i think this is the stage after R0SE5's and beyond trying to figure out the truthofkings. Because me being the king understood the greatest rules of all time.

Happiness really isnt far away at all, its everywhere once you make yourself happy. Because you being happy means that you are surrounded by things that make you happy and those happy things are going to show you more things that make you happy. Sure its going to crash and burn sometimes but as long as you love yourself before you love another and keep at that pace and move outward, then things will work out for you and everything you intend to achieve.

Im just happy, im still together with my chicago girl..not quite sure if i want to end my last online-blogpost talking about girls haha but were going stronger than ever now 4 months and not even official yet but were together. Such an unhealthy relationship but what can you do about it? haha i cant find any better so hell! im more than satisfied. There was one girl though..the one that inspired me to write this post..we were drunk at a party and she spoke as if she was the one that wrote all my blogposts. she understands exactly where i come from philosophically and the strains i went through in R0SE5...unfortunately she was white an literally up and hooked up with someone else right at the party, true story. But i was never MOVED in such a way by a conversation before. Hey i texted her afterward like yeah wassup but she threw alot of conversation enders so im assuming shed rather go for a white guy with a bruins tattoo on his arm than me...what a dbag. haha. But thats how my life is! and i learned to accept it! and i love it! i get thrown the most weirdest and craziest curve balls and i learn to just absorb the best from them..me and her were speaking in our own language at the party.

We were picking apart everything in our lives that other people jsut do not understand or see because theyve nver meditated and no matter what happens we see these patterns and these ideas and me and this girl were like We are evolved forms! because animals will naturally become more in tune with our environment and surroundings. We were blasted through conversation about life, love, meditation, smoking, truamas, and the meaning of understanding i honestly felt like a hippy but i am kinda hippy inside too.

I think the only thing that will contine to baffle me hard when i leave this blog and what i can always rant about is my race. Countless times have i looked in the mirror, expecting to see something else, or look at my arm and expect to see something else but I'm Asian. I dont think racially but the reason why ive been having so many problems in the past is honestly because of the culturally clash when it comes to asians in america. I feel like hispanics and Blacks have been fully accepted or at least found its own place in society but asians are everywhere from the most highclass to the projects and the ghettos. The view on asians in boston is very ignorant and were still seen as foreign and honestly, that doesnt bug me on bit. Cause im weird as fuck anyways so great! perfect! im right where im suppose to be. But the problem is i act weird but 99% of my thoughts i turn into words BLOWS peoples mind and honestly i think people would expect it if i was black, because i do have some of that aggressive shady aura to my walk, or people would think of me as hispanic because im intune with my sexual side and i can get pretty loud, i speak as if my penis is my mind and i make sure people are comfortable with that and i know theres a time and place. People would most of all, expect my words be be of a white man, weird and..i feel like the mindsets of a caucasian male is the most diversified of all, that but does not mean the spectrum of diversity means they are anymore mature or intellectual than any other race. Asians, idk maybe for some odd reason im re-encountering an identity crisis that involves race but ive surprised myself one too many times with my skin color, its as if im changing too fast mentally to keep in mind where i came from. I do find myself wishing i was caucasian at time though, it would make my personality so much easier to digest. That is just deeep deeep in my thoughts, like if you were to scrap the bottom of the carton of icecream thats what youd find. Doesnt bother me, im asian, so what? ahha but yeah..

There was an incident yesterday that involved racial discrimination but lets not get into that.

Anywho. Comment if you want me to post more and if your interested in my life. haha id be honored because i mean, in the en i do realized i was posting my entire life to an online page. I didnt notice the depth of that til now. haha but yeah..uh...PEACE!

Mindbanger

I just want to take something and strangle you. You have always just screwed with my head and i dont even know why i gave you another chance, leave my life now, please. For some reason i cant stop thinking that you were suppose to be my princess, but you missed the train while you were complaining about the mud a girl grabbed a seat right next to me and said "waddap? :)" then laid right down. I should feel all sorts of happy but im all sorts of confused cause she has a kid and is in chicago, and im still single. I still cant help to think if only that freakin chick knew what she wanted...i would have gave her the world. Life is hard but WHY? i honestly am happy right now but its not worth it cause i know the future is going to get messy because i dont see myself a father of a child that isnt mine. Idk girls girls You...you shall not be named anymore on my blog i dont even know why you still bother me so. Goodbye.

Muddy waters

My life is like mud, Its dirty, dark, and hard to get through and standing still only makes me sink further in. I dont know why my fortune is so bad and why the world conspires for my failure but i believe it has something to do with me now. You'd be surprised at the shit that happen to me out of pure fucking bad luck in life.

Love, i just finished watching notebook and i want to remember the feeling it brought to me. This inspiration is powerful enough to get me to blog. The emotions of inspiration, true understanding, motivation, content, and just complete and utter selflessness. I know the movie hollywood love doesn't exist between humans, well i do, but im confident it wont for me again, and thats the problem. Whenever i see true love my memories come back of everything in my life and i feel like a complete being. At this moment in time im not living from one day to the next trying to throw scraps together I sincerely feel like i know exactly why everything has happened to me. What is it i see? Mistake after mistake because my life doesnt flow, i dont learn from my mistakes because im too busy forgetting them. It takes love to embrace, regret, and learn. I feel the motivation flow through that i once had, a flame that died a long time ago. What is it about me? i still cant put a finger on it. Ive changed to be so much more beside that and i learned to adapt without. I found a new way to keep my chin up and i think its by simple acceptance. The difference between content and acceptance is much greater than i thought. As of, for as long as i can remember ive been accepting myself, and simply content with that. That is wrong i need to be content and naturally accept what happens around me. How do you do that? I know i can do that by being selfless, by putting others ahead of me. It sounds more and more ridiculous as i type but i know it to be true. There is nothing to fix though, this is who i am. Heartless, a lost soul. I want to love again. Love is a very strong word but its all around us i just cannot see it, i cannot feel it. Even now i understand where my mind was coming from. I saw the world as something so big, and people to be so small. I need to make myself realize that the people in my life and me are my world, and thats it, not the people i see randomly on the streets, not the people i dont talk to but the people that put an impact on my life. I know what people are worth, thats a very keen skill of mine but its much more than that. Its a feeling that i am as big as the world and so is everyone that is willing to enter my world. Right now i know what people are worth, but my closest friends are equal to someone i dont know exist halfway across the world. Sure we have a bond but people are such materialistic items to me. Humans are so minuscule to me. I'm so minuscule compared to the world. There is no compassion for myself and for the people i hold dear, only the ethical reason to give a friend a call, cause its the right thing to do. 

This is the subject ive been meaning to touch upon and right after i wrote that paragraph i fell into the deepest sleep ive had in a long time. edit later

explode

My head is going to cave, i need some air.

Smaller the greater

I havent blogged in a very long time and the longer i dont blog the more profound i feel like the post should be. But before i continue i would like to say that i fuckin HATE the new layout of the dashboard in blogger. Only editors or writers see it because its the inner workers of the journal in which i type in, first world problems. Anywho, I stopped blogging for a while because men shouldnt be thinking so much. Life is simple, I should keep it that way. I lost my inspiration again...edit later Edit:: This will be the first ever hand written blog post. Transcribed on a little notebook i brought with me to my trip to amherst, you can tell i am quite adament to get some things off my chest. I am currently sitting on the floor of south station listening to my killers playlist i spoke of a while ago. This post will be contradicting my post about "The World at Large", a song by modest mouse. I have been told by many that my downfall is my natural instinct to look at everything in life as a whole. This causes me to be burdened by too many objectives at once. Many of said objectives require prior accomplishments i havent even obtained. This is my problem. Yet, why is that a problem? In my world, the most successful person would be able to tackle life head on like a engineering project. Its the simple understanding of every aspect in the project. If you focus on just the mechanical aspect, the robot will never move but if you just focus on the electrical aspect you wouldnt have anything to move. Every project has size contraints and other things to keep in mind. How will you situate and organize circuiting to optomize space and efficency but how will you do any of that without understanding how the robot looks? And before all the circuiting and electrical board work you need to know how and what to code the robot to do, or else how would you even know what you need on the mother board? but how would you know what to program the robot to do if you dont know what it should do mechanically? The answer to all these questions is you have to know the big picture and work from there. Thats why i want to be mechanical. I naturally think big picture and work on the details from there because Im used to viewing my life as three corresponding components like the three decribed above. I see them as my academic, social, and financial life. Problem is the build time, which is literally forever and the resources needed to flourish in these three components to build this person in who i am to become. Without any one of these three components, I feel as if im doomed for failure because im so caught up in the big picture. This is why smaller is better. Taking baby steps is something i have always been far too impatient for. I dont know what im aiming for when i take baby steps or what my next move should be. It drives me absolutely nuts making decisions not for the greater good but for the moment, I dont have the willpower for that because i hesitate. But hell, people need to change and adapt. I keep dreaming about becoming this successful robotics engineer or engineer of any unqiue sort. I dream of it not being hardwork but fun work. With a wife and son i love A woman i love unconditionally and her to i the same. Life isnt that easy though. Nor will it ever be if i dont work towards it. The point of the matter is, i need to think less of the future and less in the present but more in the next 5 year time period. Ive been working on this single blogpost for about a month now so im going to post it, but theres about another page and a half to go, ive been writing in my journal now haha. edit later

Transgress

Im really sorry lynne, for what i did to you. I got so attached as well that it was hard as well for me to let go. Thanks for letting me know that there are woman out there that are what i am looking for, honestly. Excuse my lack of respect for the time we had together as a relationship with my short remarks and poor choice of words this past night but this is my way of getting over someone. By stepping back and acting like we were always just busting jokes at one another :] haha. I dont know what to say, but im sorry. I realized that my priorties cannot be shifted and since i havent been in a relationship for so long i knew id become just like any other guy youve ben in a relationship with..Sucked into the world where its just us. Thats the last thing i need right now because im at a very low point right now. I knew that before which is why i wanted to not ask you out until i had a stable footing, but i was convinced that it was not going to be an obstacle..I was wrong. I saw it when i was high. Thats why i smoke, my head works the way it did before, attentive to its surroundings and maintaining conversation and responding because i am paying attention but theres always more going on in my head. Being around you makes me feel sure, dominant, but in a good way because i have to constantly reevaluate the situation at hand and i have an obligation to make decisions, even if its the simpliest ones. Should i send my time with you in the kitchen or should i bring the group together? how much PDA do i show to make everyones comfortable? When should i should i talk when should i listen? Where should we eat? When should we hang out? What makes her feel comfortable? These are questions i knew a single man needs in his life, and you provided it wonderfully. Responsibility and the opportunity to "grow up" and be the support even if i was completely broke.

Many people say "relationships arent what they seem, it takes so much time effort and responsibilty." I saw that, from all the other girls around me. Theyre prudes that take too much time and effort just for them to choose another and the relationship, usually, takes so many baby steps because social construct states that two people cannot openly state that they are interested in another without the partnership compromised. That is what we call "The game" the pulling and pushing that may last for years, only to find out the other person might not have been interested this entire time. Bringing it up will compromise it and letting it go will be the only way to expose the opportunity to further the bond. This worlds bullshit set up drives me nuts and thanks to you, weve proved it otherwise. I am very grateful and i hope we continue seeing each other. All we simply needed were open minds, a sense of humor, and sexy time and from there we can, not find our soul mate, but learn from one another and thats what a relationship is all about.

My day today? complete shit haha but i have no regrets. Here i am on my blog again cause i cant tell anyone else. I mean i tell dan everything, but it works so much better when im just taka takaing away on my blog. i need to start working out, i need to register for classes, i need a job, and i need my license.

Better yet i need to decide whether or not im staying in northeastern. I mean, thats why i havent been taking classes. Im going to be on campus tomorrow in the library reading and reseaching colleges all over again. I was running away from it sophmore year when my counselor predicted this situation i would be in but i looked her dead in the eyes and told her i will do this, i made it into northeastern and i refuse to leave without a degree saying northeastern. Unfortunately that doesnt seem like the ebst option for me anymore, and no, i cant look my counselor in the eyes anymore. Nor can i many without some effort.

I cant sleep tonight, im tempted to buy some weed just to clean out my head because i feel so much weight on me right now. But its weight i need and weight i need to understand and lift because i need. to. get. MOTIVATED.

I remember a while ago, a problem i used to have is that id always hurt the people closest to me with my thoughts and my problems. ITs funny how it popped up again literally with my blog and my emotional uncertainties. This reoccurring pattern must have a source somewhere in my personality, a general characteristic that is rooted deep within. I think that problem is laziness. I thought about it, the only reason why i hurt myself my friends my family and my ex now is because im lazy. Im too lazy to try to explain myself to lynne, so i gave her my blog. Bad idea knowing the possible repercussions. Im too lazy to explain or let my friends know whats going on therefore i just sit back and hide. same goes for my family. Im too lazy to reach out to my counselors because they are there to help me. This may actually be more of a taking initiative problem than a lazy problem. Hell, i guess i initiate all the wrong things in life.

Dont get me wrong, im not putting myself down im re=evaluating. I know all this stuff but somehow my knowing and my priorities as the days pass just dont line up. Im too lazy to make them my priority anymore, I see my life as a lost hope deep down.

I was always the sponaneous type, the type that goes with the flow but i notice that i take initiatives when im in a group. I like to move groups because its in front of me and i see progress, Life is a different story and like my friend once told me "If youre going somewhere but you dont know which way youre going, then youre going the wrong way." Quite frankly, i dont know where the fuck im going. Should a college student know? I assume every student lives class by class, day by day. Most people just do it and then figure it out as they go and that drives me NUTS. Thats why i initiate in groups because i see that if i push something it moves. Its the instant progress that strokes my motivation. Thats why im an engineer and im handson. If shit isnt building in front of me then its not building at all. Thats the way i see it. Thats the way i see life. Ironicly, in doing so does it only become true.

How to solve this problem my dearest thomas? Well you are 20 years old, about to be 21. You live away from home and you have no resource like your parents money or food to rely on anymore, on top of that you arent in classes you dont have a job nor do you have any mode of transportation that you dont have to carry under your arms wherever you go. I dont think theres much more room to go down. Time to Move up and remember the shit you are going through!

With that, i leave you with the song of the night Interpol- Heinrich Maneuver and a poem by Emily Dickinson i read recently while helping my friend with her hw.

Tell all the Truth but tell it slant---
Success in Cirrcuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightening to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind---

Terminated.

This whole blog thing...isnt working out for me anymore. I wrote it about 20 post ago or sobut its one of those contradictions. I fuck myself over, i write about it then feel at ease and continue with my life. I read over the post now that i clearly fucked myself over because of the post and think this writing in the end has gotten me nowhere. Ive said nothing in my post to show that i have anything substantial to share. Its all girl drama, fuckin insanity, dreams idk i just feel like a man shouldnt be thinking so much and just doing instead so im going to peace out. I find typing my evolution out to be interesting to myself but at the same time it creates this very two demensional being that is not graceful with anything he does because hes always wondering whats different and whats new. There is never anything new unless i choose to change it. Therefore why do i write about the efforts which ive clearly just up and done as if its something i couldnt perceive? its because my head is a mess and even now it forgets the smallest details that connect today to yesterday but hell. My point is Thomas, especially now that lynne just blew up in your face cause you fucked up i think ima just fuck it and focus on school work and..work and school

when life gives you lemons, you make a lemon feast

So i bacame offical between me and lynne yday around 2pm. yayy :] haha I told her i dont think i was ready for a relationship yet and i told her i should get a job and start classes again first but she said she doesnt care she likes me and she doesnt mind waiting and she thinks its cute that i do but regardless of what status im in she likes me for who i am. That made me realize i guess it cant be bad :]. The problem is i feel lazy, I dont want to fail myself but im doing it by doing nothing and i keep complaining but im not doing anything about it besides concealing my failure with the books i read to pass the time and the exercising i do on a daily basis.

What am i running from? I want to say its as simple as me running away from the paradox i am in academically but that doesnt excuse my disappearance from every other aspect of my life. Academically, ive established its impossible to succeed anymore, No matter how much they just dont provide enough for me to pass, People in the classes im in already know all the material because theyre old and already in the field, theyre just in it for the paper degree. My gpa continues to fall as i study in this curriculum which only consist of one pointless class every week. I dont want to waste any more money on school just to fail because i know i am going to with the difficulty of the classes coming.

I guess the realization of me being a failure in school has caused me to feel that everything else is pointless, which shouldnt be the case. THere is so much hope left but that is slowly fading as i continue to live the life of the inbetween. A runaway and a dropout in denial.

Im dirt poor now, i owe so many people resources ive been so needing to take. My life spiraling to its lowest point now. I havent blogged much recently because without my blog i can hide and believe im doing fine but im not.

This break was only suppose to be just long enough to allow me to stabilize and find a sense of what im doing with my life. Ive found nothing. This post is very depressing i apologize ive been pushing everyone away so that when they do see me they believe im okay and dan has been so gracious as to unknowingly accept me for who i am right now. Im not going insane. My sanity is here, ive had enough time trying to keep that so thats at least all i can say i have this is more or less a reality check, no more fucking resting thomas. I woke up today at 7pm, after going over to lynnes without more than 3 hours of sleep and i felt like complete and utter shit when i woke up. I wanted to be productive so here i am slapping myself. Anything i do from here on thomas, remember i am very behind and i cannot waste anymore time. Lynne, she should stay i believe she helps me appreciate what i have and i need that right now.

So everyones been saying "im like a ghost" they see me randomly then i vanish again for weeks and idk what to say about that. Well time to snap up, lets hope i can LATERS!

Duck Tie and the domino effect

surprisingly, everything turned out better than expected, the night after I wrote the last post.uhhh lets see i think i smoked cause i remember i kept my word and i remember the only time i did smoke in the past several weeks was at uma so lets talk about the uma trip.

Dan ended up going to uma for the weekend and i decided to tag along cause i thought it would be a chance to see lgb, i didnt see her that whole weekend so i said fuck it and that was the end of the lgb chapter...for me. What did i do there? i saw baba and jahirul! two of my bros from back in freshman year when i was in foundation year, really cool guys now but all they do is drink and smoke haha i also met their friends uhh mike, wongel, and uhh..i think someone else but they were cool too, i went to the gym and worked out with them made my own fun and came back.

The week after i continued to be my same lazy self for the most part im always at dans now, if not im at Lins. Laurens starting to really come into my head because i feel like this is the longest weve ever stopped talking...we saw each other for no more than 15 minutes and it was in the dining hall...I decided to stay in the dining hall and wait for her so that we can eat together but the conversation was soo dry and surfacey compared to the conversations we should have, whats going on in your head lauren? At this point im as worried for our friendship as i am for my sanity. Thats a lot.

So lets get back to the smoking part because i was really planning to jump in a hole and say "goodbye cruel world!" What was i welcomed by? A pleasant fuzzy feeling many would call hope. Idk where it came from but when i went under that night feeling...happy. apparently i held out jsut long enough for myself to fight it and i didnt even realize it. Im honestly glad that that turned out that way because i wouldnt know where the fuck id be right now if that didnt happen. So Thanks to that i also got back my power of speech slightly. I think too much about the substance of the conversation, i should think more about the response, thats why ive been lacking in my communication skills. Go with the flow thomas. I still have this weird thing where i have the BEST conversation for about 42 hours max then i run out of things to say but at least i have the best 42 hour conversations! like the BEST. Theres so much to talk about that its freakin awesome.

This really helped in chicago when i was meeting a fuckton of new people and i honestly had such a big ego when i went to chicago, maybe it was because i sat in the car for 16 fuckin hours next to two couples and i was ready to just unleash that part of me that i had to confine for 16 hours haha. The girls in chicago are so different from girls in boston, i feel like my skill set is so amazing compared to if i was to meet a girl in boston. Girls there are fascinated by guys that can ballroom, fix computers, be funny and idk girls here are too smart(for their own good) and too prude like to appreciate my skill set so i felt like my ego was being fed there. haha. Its super fobby in chicago so all they do is karaoke, drink and smoke. They dont need to know about how to hold their liqour or how to idk, just do the simpliest communication skills because they are so used to being around friendly people! and thats great cause it was a very friendly place. Here its like, i actually feeling like im fuckin hitting on girls and its like pulling teeth trying to strike a fuckin conversation.

Also hanging out with sonny and dan together really helped me solidify my douchebag vibe and put on my A game. I actually was the type of person i always wanted to be in chicago. The only reason why im not that person in boston is because of all the stress from family, friends, work and school here. Without any of that shit im a very chill laid back guy thats very straight forward and douchebaggy but hyper and ready for an adventure at the same time, very interesting blend.

Unlike my group at northeastern where everyone is too friendly the group of dan sonny hanh(son's girl) and lisa (dans girl for chicago) i feel their ego pushing and thats fucking awesome cause i naturally have a big ego too and i just need people there to match it so that i can push back, the group dynamic i must say is a keeper for me. ITs not a jocky ego push but its just a bossy masculine push. I knew after the 16 hour drive that i was with working men that were holding their own shit and that empowered me. Hanging out with sonny definitely made me feel as if woman are second and i have priorities before i talk to them and thats the bottom line. I need to feel that because of all the fuckin ive been in due to girls. You empower yourself then you reward yourself with a bitch. Im sorry but thats the hard truth to me, and with that mindset ill get the girls i want because honestly thats what girls want to fucking feel like. They dont want a guy that is on their level they want a guy that is above them. Men shouldnt need girls, We have too much other shit to worry about, hell when we meet a girl worth our time we have to spend time getting you to like us. You clearly dont know what you want so we have to show you and that takes time, money, and effort, all of which should be given at a minimum because we have other shit to do and men dont have time for girls that dont put in their fuckin 50%. All girls have to do is respond, just...RESPOND. Men have to think of what to say and steer the conversation.

Id say aside from learning that after the weekend in chicago, another thing i learned is that woman dont have a type, show them you have priorities and you are their type. All a woman is looking for is a manly man that can treat them right. IF anything fucks up from point a-B thats because the guy played the game wrong. Do you see how im demoralizing woman?...you girls really dont know what the fuck youre doing in life, thats why girls are either prudes, easy, or crazy. Prude being you just ignore them and theyll come to you...easy being you just give them attention and theyll come to you, and crazy being a guy before you did that and threw her head around like a ragdoll because girls dont know what they want! So now theyre bipolar, clingy, or loves drama because thats whats shes used to being around. Thats in the guys favor but at the same time guys, get to know the game. Its much harder in boston because there are so many prudes and they are prudes because they dont want you to know whether or not they are worth your time. The most they figured out is that if a guy comes for her then she can figure out whether or not hes her type and anaylze and shit but once a guy does the same thing to her then she goes nuts. haha Its not the same thing because shes just winging it and the guy has priorites and other shit to do. Theres a difference ;P. PRIORITES PRIORITES PRIORITES. A guy that has priorites knows what he wants in education and in life and in relationships. and let me tell you, a girl is NEVERR that priority because they dont know what they want why should it be your priority to go out your way to show them? Because you like them? Luckily for me ive stopped liking girls after theresa :P haha Even when i did like theresa its like...i got priorites you either take it or you dont. She for some reason kept playing me and up to this day i dont know what she wants but i shoulda just cut it off because she was not worth my time.

Duck tie! I bought a ducktie in chicago to commemorate my douchebagness haha I felt like i was barney stinson in chicago because all these girls were so easy XD. I didnt go for any of them though cause honestly i like girls that are a challenge, that have smarts and know what their doing. That have priorities of their own. Its super sexy for me and i still dont quite now im im ever going to catch one but hey you know, thats for the future after i have a job related to my field, im moving forward in my education and have a car. Without those three theres no point in thinking about that shit.

Which is why i have lin, which seems to be a very stable thing for me right now. Were still in an open relationship but were getting very comfortable with each other. She appreciates everything about me, my spastic ways, my body, my thoughts, my friends, my MUSIC, and my penis. Me gusta. Lol

Anywho, enough about lin, Lets talk about the domino effect. I stopped talking to lgb and dan started talking to her right? well He friendzoned her hard by telling her he was with 18 girls in the past 2 and a half months. Then he hooked up with lgb's best friend then he persuades lgbs sister to come to chicago with us. HAHA BOOSH LGB you dun got SAWUCED. Lgb, fuck it her name is lori. Lori got so heated when she started seeing the pictures of chicago. At first everyone was like, okay shes just looking out for her sister thats fine w/e but then dan heard that lori started bitching her sister out like i cant believe you lied to me this and that were never talking again. Me dan and sonny go like..woah >.> thats not sibling love..thats straight jealousy LOL *double highfive dan* unfortunately for dan, lori made it a living fucking hell for him to like her sister and now they are collapsing. They were so nice together in chicago too, i was glad to be theyre fifth wheel because they were so awesome together, like...shit. Fuckin lori. thats another case of CRAZY. Cause now she wont talk to me or dan. Actually she talked to me today cause i called her but then she got super mad cause i was calling about her sister and dan and why she was fuckin shit up. LOL Attention whore much? damn.

Ive been judging her so hard ever since she ditched me from rockclimbing. She fuckin ditches me then brings dan to party with her the same fuckin weekend. HES MY ROOMMATE YOU PRUDE. WHO DOES THAT? lol she says to her sister when were in the car coming back to boston i quote "Are you in chicago with dan?...I dont care who you hang out with stay the fuck away from dan" It was more aggressive than that too. so me and dan are like..holy shit at first. Crazy bitch! haha im sorry this whole domino effect is all too amusing to me even though its hurting dan cause damn, these girls are dumb. Theyre fighting over the same guy and the older sister is too bitter to even let her sister enjoy life, damn thats fucked up. Even for me if dan actually went for lori i would have grit my teeth and been like you go for it bro dont mind me, and id get over it. Cause i would, i cant stop my bro from being happy. So much for girl code huh? Another reason why Guys should never trust a girl!

I have alot of bitterness towards females right now as you can tell from this post because honestly, girls are such....materialistic things. Hell its the worse mataterial item id rather invest in a ps3 or something. For woman, Its rare to find the one you want and when you do you cant have it and if you have it then theyre expensive and the take time money and patience they bitch cry and well..moan. But thats the only good thing about them i guess, im better off investing in a girl like LIN, especially in college. shes down to earth shes understanding and she doesnt bitch! Theres no need for arguements because were not together and we just enjoy each others company. How amazing is that? haha

Btw lauren, you and monica and several others are an exception to this post, Dont be a part of it. How to be a part of it? you act like youre not on my level. I will always treat my closest equal to me but the more you ignore me the more you let me tickle the idea that okay, i dont need you in my life..but i want you to be a part of it, which is scaring me. In this world, men and woman cannot coexist peacefully. There will forever be sexual tension. Its a matter of how you go about that sexual tension. Accept it and be close as fuck or acknowledge it back down and ill begin the chase. Because humans are animals too! and fuck, if girls like monica or lauren were to act like they were ready for the chase, girls ive known for more than 7 years. You know im going to appreciate that and go for it.

As for every other part of my life right now? complete and utter shit. I owe so much money to people and im so far behind academically. Idk if i even remember how to fuckin study anymore..Not like i ever did but i did have the motivation to once upon a time..

Force

Rap, I used to call it "Retards Attempting Poetry" but i see the reason why people listen to it. Its one of the few genres that sole purpose is to boost your fuckin ego. haha Its great. Ive been listening to alot of kanye, lil wayne, and drake recently. It really helps me feel like i just dont give a shit cause "My real friends never hear it from me/ Fake friends write the wrong answers on the mirror for me/ That's why I pick and choose/ I don't get shit confused/ I got a small circle/ I'm not with different crews/ We walk the same path, but got on different shoes/ Live in the same buildin', but we got different views/ I got a couple cars, I never get to use/ Don't like my women single/ I like my chicks in twos" haha Lil wayne. Right above it. One of my favorite songs atm just cause that song speaks so much truth to me right now!

Friends. I actually got to a point where i couldnt trust anyone, not even myself not a few days ago. Its been really rough mentally as you can tell from my previous post but yes im getting better, classes are soon to be in session and im nothing but excited. My board is back! but its dying.. the wood is literally splitting cause of the fucking car..

humm but i smoked recently, as i said i would when i went to umass amherst this weekend. I dived right in when i went to sleep, but it wasnt like it was before but i couldnt find her a small part of my other dream did have her though and it quickly turned into a nightmare..I guess she doesnt want me looking for her.lol. so thats the end of that.

LGB is pissed at me because of my "passive aggressiveness" but honestly, im just trying to act as normal as possible around her the only reason why she would see it as passive aggressive is if shes trying to push me away which is fine idc.

Ive been losing friends left and right, my social life is dying because ive been in this chapter for a while. Many of my closest friends are worried deeply for me and i thank you for that, I really dont know where i would be without you guys.

Donvu, you have been like a thorn in my side for a while now. Was i not the guy that helped you through troubled times and stayed by your side? Now im only greeted by "dont fucking touch me thomas", "The fuck you want thomas" and other bitter retorts. Getting in touch with him is like pulling teeth, especially when i was trying to find a friendly face at uma. Then he backstabs me by telling LGB that i said to him "Her relationship was doomed from the start" I might have said that, sounds like something id honestly say right now because ive been rather bitter. but why the fuck does he have the obligation to tell her? He has no respect for me nor is anything just chill between me and him anymore. I dont see why i should see him as a friend anymore, because ive recieved nothing but RUDE from him.

Me and Lin are moving along...which is great...i guess cause its something i havent felt in a while. to be needed. Im just watching the boundaries to make sure that doesnt go too overboard as i decide whether or not to further this relationship. She has everything i need right now. Just a support to push me forward. Its not like were getting married hell were fuckbuddies so theres no harm in it. I know shes not psycho so thats all that matters. haha

What else? Insanity is still haunting me, more than ever. haha But hell im enjoying my time and i got it in check so until next time! maybe edit later cause i dont really remember why force is the title..lol

Edit:

Force, so my ability to communicate is completely gone. So now im going to do what i havent done in a while. Im going to open up to being negative and just get comfortable in it and let instanity grasp me because id rather loose my mind and be able to talk about it then sit here in the middle holding everything in waiting for shit to happen. Honestly im stuck between a rock and a hotspot right now. So im going to do what im good at. im gunna buy some weed..then break down all these walls i built and get torn to shreds by insanity cause i hate feeling so constantly uncomfortable. There needs to be blood. dont mistaken me for a drama queen. I could here forever if i see progress but honestly i dont. I always got through situations like this by just going through the rough and eating shit hoping i have enough willpower to outpower anything. Maybe this is what that lady was warning me about, cause she knew how long my patience usually last and you know what? its hard to say what she was warning me about because i would sit here and sit it out as much as i would just rage. Worse case scenerio sitting here is i just become a very quiet lazy and short tempered person..burdened by all the bottled emotions that are too deep for even myself to reach. Id probably never go anywhere in life, i already dont have motivation to do shit with myself...and ive lost the will to care that i sont want to do shit with myself. My head has been through alot more than it should have since last november. Worse case senerio of me going head to head with insanity? well ill commit suicide or if i hold onto enough sanity then probably i could stop myself and my memory will be erased again ill start from scratch like i did in 9th grade except it wouldnt be a comfortable emptiness, itll be full of anger and itll probably drive me mad with hate, hate for myself and why i keep getting myself caught in meaningless mental cycles. haha.

All my closest friends already consider me a ghost..i pop up at random get togethers, only to get trashed or leave early. I already lost the sense of who i am a long time ago. Aint that sad? haha

There is only one way to get out of this completely unscathed. And i feel the opportunity deep down in my gut. I have to just simply be completely comfortable, be loved and to lvoe in return. Then focus on my insanity and turn it on at full instantly. The happiness from feeling comfortable is the only thing that can so against such insanity and it has to be put on blast if theres even the slightest nostalgia where i get caught up in thought then its over and im fucked forever. Cheesy i know bt insanity is all just a gnawing feeling in your gut, something that creates chaos and self doubt. If i suddenly have confidence and comfort and love then all itll take is a knowledged and controlld meditation, shouldnt take more than 10 mins if i do it right. Well Ill have to take in account how tired ill be because well theres alot more work involved. lol you must think im crazy right now..haha but yeah i cant get these characteristics from anyone, i have to find it within myself. Love comfort and confidence for myself. But its hard when im not doing anything with my life. Such a pessimistic cycle of life im thrown in. Itll make it a fuckton easier if my friends didnt backstab me, i dont have a bigger list of blocks on skype than actually people i talk to..and well i did better in school, went to school had a job had a place and a car and a girlfriend, things that proved to myself i can love myself and be comfortable and confident. but its a paradox because i cant achieve any of that without motivation which comes from having those characteristics. haha lets just say, its taking me much longer to hop on the ball compared to others.

Thomas, talking and living its what youve been doing for 20 years and you used to be so good at it it really shouldnt be hard to just be comfortable dont fuckin think about it too much.

A wise man once told me "You can judge how well someone is in a relationship by how well they do academically. when you know what you want from your education you know what you want from life therefore relationships become that much more understandable" Thats where im lacking. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY EDUCATION GOING? i need to transfer out of NEU...at this rate im not going anywhere

The only thing i was always good at is getting excited for no reason, therefore im excited to eat shit just cause itll help for a bit..its like going into war amped as fuck haaha i want to get my life started but for some reason mentally i cant get from point a- point z without going through the whole fuck alphabet first. scumbag truama, making life difficult since 1991 lol

Petty disputes in vain of the big picture

Me being bilinguals, its most interesting to study the difference in proverbs and vocabulary available. It really makes such a difference on the people. I mean americans and mexicans are the most violent and well chaotic people cause we have the word FUCK or in spanish, chingo(chingas). What im trying to get at is English has a proverb that many other languages dont have. "The Grass is greener on the other side" Its one of the most well known lines spoken in the english language but why? Why do we insist that happiness is always elsewhere? This phrase naturally becomes instilled in our heads as i am sure it is with you as much as it was with i.

This is me saying FUCK that shit. I will make the ground i stand on so that i make my life awesome.

Edit

So i was going through a huge faze of depression and all that bullshit up there was leading me to say that i wanted to be with lin. In reality weve talked about it casually, because we all know she likes more more than a fuckbuddy already..but im willing to give her a chance because she accepts me for exactly who i am, and is attracted by it.

For some strange reason my friend was reading me his essay and i was listening but i realized i was getting really tired at a fuckin exponential rate. It was then that i fell into a lucid dream except this dream was different. im sure it was in the future, i look down at my attire and i disgusting khakis on and a hoodie and idk. I was in the slums and i was homeless. This lady came into my dream and told me that this is exactly how my life will become if i dont sharpen up. The most memorable part of the dream was the dimsum left in my pocket. It was all i had to eat and i have 5 of them that i portioned. I remember i bought more food but i was so unhealthy in the dream. I asked the woman who she was and she said she was my guardian and shes been trying to reach me for years, but my head has been too drowned in thoughts to hear her. I would walk around and continue seeing her around as i struggled, gradually she told me the whole story, which i forgot by the time i woke up but the message that did get through to me is something im doing right now is very wrong. I remember there was so much knowledge fed to me that i woke up right from "rem sleep" without any break, i opened my eyes and saw where i was and was like...its still so fresh..and i knew she was calling me back to tell me more so all i did was put my head down and close my eyes again and i went straight back to the lucid dream. I wish i could remember what we talked about. Something tells me that wasnt any slum but it was how the inside of my head looks right now. It looks disgusting, crime at large and tight dark allies made up the city. It was mostly made from debris or what seemed like scraps of wood/steel. The people were dying everywhere and there was this one place that was comfortable to me. I remember asking her if i was dreaming or meditating after i dived back in but i dont remember the response. It was the most graphic environment ive ever been in during a lucid dream.

I wish i can remember more, which is why i intend to smoke soon, i havent smoked in a long time and i passed up on three/ four times when my friends were smoking just because i know that insanity is like that scary face in the window when you casually pull up the curtains, always there..always waiting for me to be vunerable. Maybe ill have a really bad trip but i intend to dive right in and figure out what she was trying to tell me. I felt a connection to that place and idk why the environment seemed so familar but im sure it doesnt exist anywhere in the world. Hopefully this time i wont get ripped to shreds like i did last time..i need a place where i can smoke alone and noone can affect me.

After she left me in my dream alone i walked around a bit more, trying to memorize the place as much as possible to blog about it later but it was impossible..so opened my eyes again, feeling as if i never slept, i just stood right up and left..even though i realized that i was actually knocked out for a good 4 hours on a table. How strange..it began like a spontaneous nap but worked like a intense session of meditation. Usually after waking up you need at least several seconds to adjust your sight your vocals and the feeling in your arms and legs, get your heart beat going but i didnt need any of that.

A wise man once told me that every person has 4 guardians, this woman makes the second encounter. The first encounter was almost the same idk much of anything from it except that it was a tall man in a trenchcoat and a beard, a old white man. They come and go through the years...only making appearances at the most dire times in my life. I wonder if they purposely use such detailed environments in order to keep the mind working so that they can work in mystery cause thats what happened 5 years ago too, a month after i lsot my memory. zzzidk but im not doing anything until i figure out wtf my head is trying to tell me

There it goes again.

Today i was laying with...Lets give her a nickname..Im going to call her Lin. Idk what it is with the girls and L's but man this is a streak. I was just chilling today and she called me a flirt before, i brushed it off cause i thought she was joking and i responded by saying "Im not a flirt, flirt makes me sound like i dont care who im with, im just a guy that compliments those ho deserve it." I can tell she sat on that cause she brought it up today again and was like..question and im like..okay. shes like how many girls have you been with? and im like...dot dot dot. Not many why? and shes like cause you seem like the type that would attract alot of girls. and im like "are you asking me whether or not im seeing someone besides you? cause i am, your mom OOH" and shes hits me and was like nah its just that you seem to come off as a player to me. Player. Goddamnit. idk if i should take that as a compliment or an insult but now im starting to think...okay something about me is making me come off as someone everyone would like...but noone does. Why arent these lines meeting up? is it because of the fact that i come off as a player that i cant get any, cause the girl already assumes i have another? Regardless i dont see how that happens or how i come off as a player. haha and whether or not i am actually a player shes still with me...why? I dont understand but idc haha.

Moving along dan is sleeping at loris place tonight. I dont give a shit! i got over it a couple days ago, im just going to have to limit my talking with dan. what else? my longboard will be back! with randalls! new feel and fresh as shit im excited

Your lost

I understand. that is all Thanks to dan dinh REP to the bro code.*toast* to being a man with a plan

Edit:

So ive lied..today is the hardest day ever for me. insanity has taken me and i cant deal anymore. Fuck this shit.

Of Visions and Sounds

I honestly believe himym, for the last two seasons have narrated my life almost on point every time i watched it. Idk either be barney or ted in every instance. Barney being the sensitive and lost but player or ted the awkward but clever forever alone guy. Maybe for once himym caught up and is actually ahead. I hope. I figured out the reason why lbg acted so strange these past few days...she actually found a new boyfriend. No sweat i told you i was over it but it just so happens in the show the same thing happened to ted. Someone that was meant for him actually wasnt and he walks outside and its raining, thats when new beginnings happen haha. Im not putting anyone on a pedistal nor am i feinding to find someone new cause i could honestly care less. But something about my wanting to watch himym and the episode relating perfectly just lines up so well...maybe this time im getting a clear omen. A omen in itself is very exciting, because i do believe in unspoken worldly hints as well as miracles. I walked outside just now as well, and it was raining. Little things, at least in my life, arent coincidence, they never are.

Let me put it this way, if anything happens...i told you so. Thats all. Even if nothing happens so what? i feel good right now, i feel productive.

Most is thanks to me wearing a suit waking up beside a girl and the music i listen to. Have i ever done a post on music? i know ive done many blogpost about music but ive never isolated music, and spoke about it in a way that it intertwines with my life.

I started off listening to bands such as 50 cent and Eminem and linkin park. That was in 6th-7th grade. By 8th grade I was listening to rock. Once i high school i dropped all rap music and switched to rock. Thats when i found Atreyu and Avenged Sevenfold, My first two metal bands ever in 9th grade. From 9th grade to 10th grade i got very deep into metal and emo music. Saosin, underoath, and first to last, my chemical romance. By the middle of 9th grade i dove head first into slipknot and was obsessed with them for a whole year maybe more. They were the only thing angry enough to contain my anger and i pretty much listened to them all day aside from the occassional atreyu. I still dabbed in emo music but it was dropped by 11th grade and i stopped listening to atreyu as well, well i always liked them actually but there was a really long period of time i didnt listen to them for. In 11th grade i got into cradle of filth and listened to them for a half year and moving to older tracks. I was listening to older bands such as metallica, iron maiden, guns and roses and many glam rock bands by senior year. I also started getting into slow music. In senior year i began listening to more instrumental music such as steve vai and led zepplin and i was already listening to some indie music. I think my first indie band was the strokes. In freshman i was completely indie. I listened to the strokes, and then i found many other bands including interpol. I listened to lame indie music for a good year..i mean it took a good year and some just to overplay strokes. Sophmore year i began to get back into hiphop and dubstep came out! i was listening to alot more. now its the third year and i also found dream theater and many other progressive songs. Now im listening to everything, i was blasting lil wayne not two seconds ago, along with regge and joe satriani. So many different genres!

I always said i wish i could properly make a timeline of the music i listen to because that would illustrate my life so nicely. If i just simply kept a journal of the date and the name of the song i most enjoyed throughout the years i could read the lyrics and it would tell my life story, and it would be a sad one. Well ive been dragging this post on for far too long so ttyl!

Edit:

I remembered that actually listing the stages of music i went through wasnt my goal for the blogpost, and i now remember what i really want to say. haha i screwed up cause its been really hard for me to blog and many times just to give myself a break ill change the tab and leave the blogpost undone for hours or even days, it really messed up my train of thought.

I meant to go about sounds in a more definitive way. Instead of just throwing out band names, which honestly aside from atreyu and the strokes, mean nothing to me. Its a matter of how all these bands helped me on a more genre-related level. I was very angry, causing me to listen to slipknot. After slipknot was many other metal bands as well. Metal is a huge part of my life. Its beautiful but its chaotic, like the flow of yang chi. If you FEEL the instrumentals of the most angry bands like early slipknot Youll understand the complete chaos but melody that lies behind it. Like Joe Satriani's mind storm. You could catagorize him as a metal guitarist and its absolutely amazing. After metal came a more smooth period of my life, Because i didnt know who i was so it was just like what indie music is like, calming but upbeat and still, subliminally uplifting.

Why is music so important to me though? This question baffled even old thomas, which wanted to remove music as well from my life because he was so obsessed with the idea of being free. That goes into a completely different part of my past i could write PAGES on but only lasted about a month after i lost my memory. but i wanted to release myself of the enjoyment of music because old self believed that It became my religion, no longer was i looking for the music but the music was looking for me. Id just so happen to find new bands at the end of a chapter in my life that matched the changes perfectly. I felt as if i was falling back on music and i so no basis to that. There is no reason why man should love music so much, because you can relate? By the time i lost my memory i was pure atheist and i was damned if i recieved any support whatsoever but unexplained patterns. Id rather go insane than live to see music become what i believe in when all else fails. I stopped myself and glad i did because now i really enjoy the music i listen to, and im so fucking grateful for it.

My philosophical self still cannot grasp the understanding of WHY, WHY does a song i can relate to make my heart feel warmer than any female has? why do i listen to the same songs OVER AND OVER for YEARS. I still listen to Atreyu! its been 7 years. Aside from one album i listen to all their music and they made a BEST OF ATREYU album just to thank the fans before they tried selling out! what a amazing band :] Actually the part about me "being free" i dont want to get too deep into it but i feel like atreyu understood me COMPLETELY Listen to Atreyu- Creature and if you can actually say you can even decipher it then good for you, you understand me haha good luck reading the lyrics and if you can understand Creature then move to tracks from Atreyu like Dilated. Great track. But the metal music helps distract me from my thoughts. And the indie music coaxs it, on a grand scale.

Dan, you go for lGB. Theyre building a great relationship and she said shes not coming to boston to rock climb with me but shes going to a pi party and beerfest instead. You know what thats fine. FUCK HER. shes gunna go for dan then she doesnt know the bro code so shes not worthy for me anyways. Dans driving up to amherst this weekend, im not going. I just want to see if this works out because if it does then great, literally and figuratively, fuck her. It was always awkward with me and her. I lost my chance. I figured out in order to win over a girl you have to break the sexual tension immediately. Thats why i fucked up with every girl except my new cuddle buddy and the others ive been with. Thats the difference. I get it now. fuck you. seriously. *flips table* im done. im going to drink it up this weekend and have fun with Chris and doug and my neu group cause i know theyre here for me. Dan is too but like what i wasnt, hes an opportunist. My heart hurts, but im a changed man no longer will females hurt me..ever again. I fucking swear of it, and i know becareful of what you wish for and ive taken many consequences but id be damned if i ever get fucked over again. i just went all out on dans wall and made a indent..felt great. my knucle, being permanently bruised, actually doesnt feel a thing...getting trashed tonight

Rip to stitch

You have the ability to Bend and to make a difference without making a sound. By the look in your eye and the frown in your smile, Silence alone leaves an impression. You have the ability to trust therefore be trusted. This allows me to find the most worthy friends. I dont hesitate to bear fangs when approaching an objective in my life. This allows me, whether it be for the best or worst, make quick decisions then jump back and watch the magic happen.

Just like everyone in life, they learn things in order to subconsciously achieve their goal. Its best to be an all rounded person but maybe its in the characteristics i already have that i can find something that holds meaning to me, something like an obtainable goal. Idk im rather lost. But i do now realize the love i was looking for to finish my goal, doesnt exist. Not as long as i look for it, my cuddle buddy taught me that. Why? because shes a great girl..great in bed and communication and shes white so she and i have alot in common. But like i said, what holds meaning to me and how are we so much in common? Those two questions are not as far off as one would think. Besides Music i cant say anything is me, just experiences to make this blob of a person...drifting through. Its a problem with self confidence. Im not confident about anything about myself therefore i cannot market myself properly.

I realized ive been rather lost because everyone that i feel like remember who i am are gone..except colin but its hard to talk to him about things when everytime i feel like telling him something new i feel like hes going to finish his statement with a "I love you thomas, marry me"....YEah idk something about that just makes me twitch. Great guy though..haha.

The last time i smoked i felt like I was an empty shell, Insanity literally ripped me from who i thought i knew myself as. I suddenly because a very socially awkward guy. I felt as if everything i said was wrong and weird. Everytime i remained silent i was being awkward, and everything was just so awkward around me. I made a move on a girl on the bus cause she came up to me and doug..(i forgot where we were or where we were going)..but she asked us for a lighter and i gave her one and she was like wow this is a really nice lighter, can i keep it? and i was like sure. and she was like i dont want to steal your lighter id feel bad. so we kept discussing it cause she wanted to smoke but she didnt want to steal my lighter so i said. How about you give me your number and that way you can give me back my lighter whenever youre free? she gives me her number and the entire time im baked thinking, "I feel like such a tool wtf am i doing? dont you have enough stress already?" She ended up getting off the same stop as me so i got my lighter back but the entire time on the bus she was like you have no idea i might be mindfucking you. haha but hey in the end i got my lighter back and a probable number, that i didnt save. I feel like such a tool. Sure she was a pretty attractive female but she was also drunk and blonde and i need to raise my standards because im not going for a girl that would give out her numbr to a guy when hes stoned and shes drunk.

This experience was more traumatizing then amusing, i did not enjoy hitting on that girl or walking around high. I just wanted to go home and stop all interactions with everyone. But we were suppose to go to a party and i was just like ughhhh. well im better now but insanity is holding hands with me now, i have to watch where i fucking step. When i was baked i felt not only socially awkward but i felt like i was socially awkward because socializing was so pointless. I started getting engulfed and obsessed by the meaning of my life. Then remembered something, its the idea that each human life is so pointless. We are one in a hundred-more BILLION people. and were all on 1 planet..circling 1 sun but there are of TRILLION stars, these stars having BILLIONS OF TRILLIONS of plants and moons orbiting them. Do you really think humans will ever make a grand enough difference in the world? especially if half the country is still completely ignorant about gays, racism or just the simple fact that maybe some people dont believe in the same thing as you. That doesnt give you an excuse to stone, hang, or haze another. We are SO small in this world i dont understand why anyone deserves anything more than another on a moral scale.

That is why i wanted not go too far into meditation though, because its purpose is to understand the world by understanding yourself. There is a point where it is impossible to progress any further in meditation until you realize and accept how small of a factor you are in this world. I guess thats why i was so obsessed with that song "The world at large" by modest mouse.

Ive been listening to interpol and all their songs bring me into a wave of nostalgia. Especially since im trying to quit smoking, yes still lol, i remember just gliding along on my longboard and smoking a cig. Actually a started to really smoke listening to interpol freshman year. It also reminds me of the waterfront cause i used to go and just listen to interpol..alot of relaxing thoughts come with this band. I was listening to them with a sleeping bag over me last night and meditating. Really bad idea to meditate i know, but i have alot of anger i need to let out. Im already at that level where i can store anger and it works like a double edge blade. Store it and hurt yourself alot or spend it hurt others but dampen the pain and insanity i feel. yes..I fucking started going back down the route of yang. This path is going to be the death of me, i swear.

I had a sleepingbag drapped over my head and the energy was so powerful, i felt the sleepingbag move. as if the energy was pushing it outwards, then pulling it towards my body as i inhaled. I also felt it trying to lift off my head for a moment and i had to snap out of meditation because i thought there was someone behind me actually moving the sleeping bag. After i saw there wasnt i continued for well over 2 hours. Exhausted, i went to sleep. I slept for 12 hours and was still exhausted so i slept another 3 hours. This is the path of yang. It drains the body completely in exchange for instant mental strength and power. please someone help me..but i got this, just watch. Just because im angry doesnt mean im not happy. Like the wise man once said, "Those who laugh the hardest cry the most"

Well til the next time i lose a screw!

Edit:

Well that was fast it wasnt even 30 mins. fucking LGB...you know what type of girl that is? Woman. lol ughhh ARGGG GRRRRRR FUCK YOU, WORLD. i hate you. I hate you. HATE. YOU. lol. Im done, no seriously though i am. and you know its serious when i write in my blog saying the LGB chapter is officially over. now im single again...with a boar of a female at my bedside..a cool boar...but a boar nonetheless. sorry im bitter. I dont mean that. I just want LGB D: Lol Rawr! woosah okay im done haha.

Seven

My plan is to move. idk what that means to me but i felt like saying it. Whether that be literally or a figurative move but i cant stay. Plates have been shifting and the floor under me has crumbled. Ive maintained just enough stability to jump to the nearest drifting plate and sit there to see where it would take me. Its been several weeks..months as ive struggled in this chapter of my life. So i miss the days of walking around feeling productive and like im doing bigger and better things.

Life has been crazy, i cant stop thinking about lGB. Actually in the vain of losing her i slept with another :x. I feel really bad..It all happened pretty fast..she started talking to me cause shes on the dance team..then i went to several workshops..said hi..we started talking on fb chat alot then one night we were both up at 3 and i told her i was going to the convience store near her place. we chill that night in the library together from 3-7 talking flirting, she asks me back to her place at 7 after she thought her room mate was gone but she wasnt so i left right afterward. She messaged me the night of asking to grab dinner together and we do just that. After we hang out at her place..then after a couple laughs BAM! She just wants an open relationship so i guess itll work out. haha

Me and LGB continue to talk but idk, i never ask for more anymore from the people im actually interested in. Ive been listening to Modest mouse more lately. Such as "The World at Large", "The Whale Song", "Youre the Good Thing" and "Good Times are Killing Me". All are on loop right now. Theyre a really good band and i got into them almost instantly.

My life otherwise? rather dull, I've been looking for a job unsuccessfully. I lost my first fake last night at conors. Instead of going to conors, i smoked and chilled at mit. I wasnt interested in MIT because well, i was high and im now in both an open relationship and looking forward to LGB coming down to boston next weekend to rockclimb with me :x Then shes going to crash my my place. Mit was the last thing i needed, A place full of naked girls shaking their tits. I mean, great but i was just sitting there with doug kat and conor just talking instead. We were all being lazy stoners last night but it was great company. Tonight theres another rager at MIT and were expecting chris to join us and therefore an extra 20 people lol. Itll be more fun and well drink this time instead of smoke. That way id feel like dancing, even if i am just alone haha.

But yeah, being a douchebag is working lol. It takes a while to kick in because i have to wait until i meet someone new and then they notice the differences. Im not all too excited, im "working on my gains" as donvu would say. My idea of life has shifted greatly. Idk what that means either..i just lost my train of thought but i felt like saying it. Im just going with the flow.

I smoked from a vap for the first time last night. Ehh, i prefer using a grav bomb or something the high you get from vaps are much different, it just becomes the generic high and you just feel like being lazy. Theres no different twist to it or anything which makes different weed better than others. The vap should be used for bad weed because then itll just make it into a really strong generic high. Not a trippy high, or gay high, or funny high, or happy high...just high haha.

My friend has been trying to convince me to get involved in this amway business, but it looks like a pyramid scheme. For some reason due to the amount of trust i have for him and the 3 month money back guarantee its kinda hard to see the scam in it. I looked into his eyes and see nothing but honest words, and he has a reputation of being very trustworthy so its hard seeing him scam someone, but ive had coffee with him and still, he has a great poker face. Hes really trying to get me involved because im such a social butterfly and he sees that as a great asset to the business.

I hung out with my chi trainer again recently and wow, ive become so much more aware. When we just relax side by side i feel a synchronization and my chi just flows freely. I could feel the cold the warm waves of energy spin around my hands. I was also able to see auras, Which is a new skill to me. This experience was actually before my meeting with kayrun so i was looking for an aura, make a break in it to see if hes hiding anything but i saw a clear faint blue/ orange aura. That means he was happy but he was watching his mannerisms. Which is fine, i was looking for flares or breaks in it but that didnt happen. Meaning he was relaxed, calm minded and content. Ehh meditation, I shouldnt babble in it so much. It only leads to destruction for me. even my trainer noticed and i saw the dark red aura around me. Its such a rare thing to see, and honestly its quite scary, I see it right now, actually. Theres a red fog around my hands as i type, A assume its something i should get used to. Im just naturally always yang haha. I can turn blue or green or yellow but my relax state is pink haha. How strange.

Well im going to a family dinner so till next time.

The world at large

I cant type right now, ive lost my will to therefore i will post a song of the night.

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well I'll float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The day's get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

Fucking spit in my face

Rage. So much rage. I have no more fucking patience for females any more or anyone that manages to fuck with my emotions Play with me one more fuckin time and watch me drop it like its hot. You mock me. You talk to me as if im a fool, someone only to ease your worries and use his money. Im not a fuckin nice guy anymore go take your shit and throw it out the window, and you along with it. Why am i still wasting time?

Nets

Look into my eyes again and you might see a new person.This what i tend to tell people but to do this i have to further my hardships needlessly. I need to find a balance between life and finding glory in miniscule things. There is no glory when there is no food on the table. Glory? That word seems to be lost within the last...century. Why am i hellbent to find something that has no profit?

I sat down today and asked myself what i wanted to do with my life and what holds meaning to me. After my previous blogpost where i established that nothing has meaning to me, I thought its the first place i could look to find what ive been confused about. Before my life in itself held value, as well as happiness and love. Clearly, as shown from the past two post, even after all ive been through i would be most glad to put a pistol to my head. So its clearly not that, happiness is a fleeting emotion. I cannot look for it nor can i ask for it, therefore it cannot be something i live for, maybe something i cherish but if im willing to give my life why would an emotion hold any greater value than that? Then comes love, Love isnt an emotion its a passion that directly influences another. It holds no bounds but if hope and my ambitions have changed then that also becomes meaningless to me. I guess im a soldier. Idk I used to relate myself to a boxer, always getting up and always pushing forward. You cant see it, no one can except me. Its hard to explain and it honestly cant be comprehended. Maybe its because i know how it feels to be (sober and) completely hopeless literally laying in the dirt and feeling as if there is nowhere left to go, completely spent mentally and physically. Even though life keeps moving forward i have this idea in my head that the present could change everything, which is true, of course it changes everything but so does the future. The future can change you because even though you're going through shit you eat it because you know its not where you're suppose to be. Idk what taught me such black and white thoughts and why im obsessed with this idea of self-empowerment. I guess its because something in the past told me that if i can handle all types of shit then i will excel, regardless of the situation.

I live in a very fantasy world that does not require economy, politics, religion, education, productiveness, and the other things that make a man successful. My idea is that i live being who i am and i try to learn as much as possible but in a very quick and efficient way, one that doesnt require the idea of hard work, persistence, and consistency. I focus more so on fear, flaws and motivation. How to improve myself as a person and less on how to improve my life being the person i am. Why? idk. Its an interesting way of veiwing life that ive noticed to be very counter-productive in this day and age. I focus on bettering myself while the world conspires for miracles to happen in case i fail, which is a majority of the time due to my stubbornness. I refuse to grow up and take responsibilities or be the man that makes a difference. I am more of the type that feels the difference in more important when it originates from within. One path is easier and much less time is wasted, while the other achieves the same things but goes in a full circle before i learn anything.

Dont get me wrong though, i work fast so the extra efforts are only displayed through my actions as mistakes. I have so much uselessness going on that i dont focus and i slip up.

edit:

Staring into the abyss so that you dont have to

About three weeks ago my friend gave me this piece of paper, he just handed it to me then left. The meaning behind that piece of paper, made all the stress in my life fade away for just a brief moment because i understood the poetry behind it. It was an 8 and a half by 11 normal printing paper that just had that phrase typed ovver and over and over again and at the middle of the paper the font was bigger so you would focus on that one phrase and see it all around...Staring into the abyss so that you dont have to....Staring into the abyss so that you dont have to. I asked him where he got this piece of paper and he said he found it at the office of the philosophy building.

I found this piece of paper very poetic before i realized it was a reference to Nietzsche, a well reknown philosopher. I felt as if someone, no matter what struggles i was going through someone else was willing to listen as well. I honestly dont know why i found this paper so compelling but i knew that there was something very interesting about it because the only way to fully embrace that paper is to give it to someone else..Because as long as i held onto it then i felt as if i was being saved from my burdens. To explain its meaning better, and through nietzsche's words, "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." Its such a subliminal message that i felt instantly. I dont know where that paper is now, but hopefully its traveling far and wide, not lost in another abyss itself.

I hate everything about me right now..Im emotionally mentally and therefore phsyically drained. I only further it by feeling it. Im stuck in an abyss and honestly im at the stage where i just want to end everything for good, that last nightmare of suicide did leave a great impression on me.

I quit my job at cvs, even though they hired me again. I woke up late this morning and thought well, fuck it. It was only a matter of time. Im so irresponsible that it hurts me. Im never home anymore because i cant look my family in the eyes.

I was high and at amherst, it was fine but everything was wrong. i need another boost, I need something to do with my life. I dont want to be another number in this society that goes nowhere i have big plans for myself. Many people wonder why im still struggling. They hear my detailed future plans about being an engineer and they say, why are you still having problems? you know what you want, go for it! Everyone else in college is having trouble because they are trying to find out what to make of it afterward but i know what i want to do. I honestly cant respond to that question. I dont know what holds me back. Maybe its because i want to just stop, and die.

Quite frankly im convinced that i lost hope in myself and in life a long time ago, but i pushed forward simply for the sake of being. My mind is old and i grow weary of these trials i face, as self inflicted and as miniscule as they are. Im lazy, and unmotivated. I make radical decisions that push me into a corner. I see all of this. But the difference between you and i is you havent seen or felt death yet, therefore it would never be an option. I dont want to say ive been forced to the edge mentally because honestly thats just me being lazy but eh..im not going to finish this sentence.

Im clearly suffering from some depression. I hate who i am and i hate who im becoming. Why cant i change this? Who can i change to? I knew i hated who i was and who i have become a long time ago, which is why i am such a universal guy internally. I just havent figured myself out yet...what i thought i figured out is clearly all wrong because i met someone that was just like me and she clearly showed me woah..we are completely different. Who am i? What am i to do with this life? idk but i need to stop staring into the abyss. SNAP UP THOMAS! haha

Ive been feeling very socially awkward due to this stress, idk how to cope with it. its a very out of body experience. I cant only act "normal" if i have a beer or two. But who the fuck am i? because clearly im not who i think i am nor am i going to be my future plans so im lost. I need a reality check and a hole to crawl into. Insanity has found its way now, the abyss is seeing exactly what im seeing.

Boost

FUCK THAT SHIT! i was crawling into a hole and i was like...wtf is happening? like i said im living too much in the present. FUTURE MY BOY FUTURE! My body just simply spat out a terrible job. Lol sure i get paid more but i refuse to have CVS on my resume, especially with 3 years of college right above it. Sooo idk why im so pissed off about the losing of a retail job. Actually I want to write a letter to him, a professional one just to spit in his face. haha. Im scared to though cause he might hold it against me but i was thinking about saying something along the lines of this.

Dear Moss,

It was NOT a pleasure to have you as a boss for the 2 weeks I worked for you. Sure your ego and self-righteousness will bring much growth for the company complimented by your expertise which i do not question. What I do intend to question is your idea that professionalism and self righteousness are the same thing, boss. How is it possible for one to get fired before i get my first legitimate paycheck? Thats not expertise nor professionalism, thats self righteousness. You needed any reason to fire anyone because of your ego and i want you to know that that will hopefully be the death of you. You see, i did have respect for you because you and i are much alike, we strive for best and the idea that the team is being brought down by one is unacceptable. The difference between you and i is the departing. I eliminate my excess with the strong footing i had throughout my life. You, you said, "Youre fired...but finish your shift and let me sit on it. Come in tomorrow at 11am and we can talk about it." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT? Then to further that, you cancel our meeting the next morning! Ive never seen a man more arrogant and unprofessional as you. To think i am not qualified to work at CVS after one fucking week. You have something really long and hard stuck up your ass dear sir. To further this, youre willing to fire me after one week over the three veteran workers that are clearly bringing no progress to the company. You're emotional-

Edit:

So i had to end that blog post shortly cause i had to head out but the same applies, i dont fucking like that guy. He "hired" me back again apologizing that he had to reschedule the meeting and im looking for a new job now. I cant fucking work under someone knowing they intended to fire me in the first week at work.

In other news, ragers ragers ragers. Im back at dan dinhs place and were having massive bromance. I guess its actually over with LGB girl...idk what happen. She started talking about her ex...then she said shes enjoying the single life and not looking for relationship (she brought it up) then she said shell take "each day as it comes:)" I respond with a smiley as well and we continue texting but then she said "im busy ill ttyl". Why would you need to tell someone your busy over text? so i said cya then waited for her text all today..i ended up giving in texting her at 5pm...we respond back and forth once then i waited ten mins to respond to her and she stopped responding all out...i sent her another text and she still hasnt responded...its 4 hours later. And shes pretty on tp of her phone...Me and dan intend to go to amherst this weekend..Surprise visit maybe? no creep? lol idk but if anything ill get to see lauren...which i havent spoken to since before break...Where have you gone lauren?..

My life? i could care less right now..party part 2 lets do it up! edit on edit later

Edit:

Lori never ended up texting me back. I cant sleep but i feel nothing for her. This is how it feels when my heart has power over my reason and that doesnt happen very often. and it shouldnt since i have my douchebag mode on lol. Surprisingly im enjoying this feeling because i know shes feeling the same way. Me and her have so much in common that i feel as if i already know her. She didnt respond because i said "I like open relationships, theyre fun :)" I guess im TOO universal of a guy because i found out thats what fucked me over hahaha so roadtrip to amherst! she has no idea :] haha im so sleepy but my head is full...I tried meditating but i cant because im at my friends house. Im not comfortable here yet even though we are super close. Im also far too sleepy. If i meditate ill just powernap but i need to sleep. Goodnight! i have work monday tues weds 7-3. If i mess up im fired so i need to be spotless until i find a new job.

Misconception

These days have been just like me. Spontaneous, heart wrenching, drunken madness. Ive been working alot and when im not working im practicing pool like no other. Ive worsened in pool because ive been playing so much. I study my pool like i work out in the gym now. Even if im tired and bored as shit and im failing at everything i do at least 2 more rounds. I havent been to the gym in at least a month and im loosing my weight. Its unfortunate, but ill gain it all back again.

Im in that constant mindset now that nothing can faze me. What is this feeling? its the feeling ive been waiting 7 years for. Its the feeling old and new and whichever piece of thomas in me has only dreamt about. I see something coming that will bring a closure to the split for good. when that era comes it will be gradual so i cannot celebrate but its moments like these, right here at the threshold of a new beginning where i can look back and start seeing things change, for better or worse. My concept of reality is changing dramatically and its thanks to me being a douchebag, me having a motivational head start, me becoming even more openminded and willing to accept criticism. Having a stable job, reading, hanging out, and meeting LGB have definitely helped to keep me occupied. The way all these differences influenced each other and my actions as a whole has made more progress than ever before. I no longer feel as if im carving a new path because im on top.

Dont get me wrong, days have been stressful. I still feel like im not up to par. As long as im not in classes, i dont have a co-op/internship, and i still work in CVS ill be below par in my standards. Ive been really fighting that stress lately because i hate working at CVS. The coworkers are chill and ive gotten a hang of things. I have to tone down on my flirtatious nature just because none of my coworkers are attractive anymore but that is no complaint, just a difference ive noticed between jobs.

I went to the bars for the first time last friday and i was so trashed it was ridiculous, apparently i was on the toilet speechless for 3 hours haha and someone had to carry me to bed. But it was great, i hung out with vitalis, big thomas, chris, larry, doug, sasha, samantha, and mckinzy. Funny side story is that sash is a girl i knew since freshman year and it was her birthday celebration friday. In freshman year i went to the library trashed to study for a final and i woke up when sasha was at the table saying "Omg, i have the biggest bags now because i havent slept for the longest time!" and i pointed laughed and said "haha, panda!" then passed back out. Everyone at the table knew i was the drunk asian guy studying and they apparently found that hysterical. ahah (i ended up getting a 90 on that test) lol. So now i call her panda XP anyways, Like usual my swag was on blast and i was talking up both of sash's friends cause they were both fairly attractive females. Fuckin rahman, he has this habit of taking pictures of me whenever im talking to girls at social events because most of the time i hook up with them lol. But this time, i didnt because i had LGB in my mind, i just like to flirt when im drunk.

He ended up posting that picture on facebook, sending me into a nervous wreck since LGB girl was texting me with one line phrases the entire next day and there were periods of three hours where she wouldnt respond. It got me really scared so confronted her about it directly in a text and she didnt even comment on it and continued with the conversation with a one worded phrase, very slowly. Then today i texted her in the afternoon and she didnt text me until 8pm. I was honestly like..f that shit im done but we started talking again and slowly but surely im understanding her unspoken language. Were actually getting serious now so its great. I found out she does meditate! haha and she smokes too! ahha. and shes super spontaneous like me :] i was so scared that i fucked it up these past two days that i went into a very wtf mood toward my friend for posting that picture to a apathetic mood then i finished with a accepting mood. I realized i can distance myself so easily since i have so little heart left to give. We patched it up tonight because she texted me at 8 then texted until sleep. Its just i feel as if im not afraid to lose anyone anymore but those that stay, are worth holding onto.

My problem now is moving past this surfacey relationship. I cant make any further moves until we freakin hang out again cause i dont want to take any next steps whatsoever unless we actually hang out more...Donvu invited me to Amherst but ehh...id miss parties i promised people id go to.


Which reminds me. Dan dinh, Welcome to Truth of kings! im glad you created a blog and i hope you find that its a great outlet. Me and dan were friends since freshman year and together we used to pick up so many girls. We lost contact for a while but now after crashing at his place for two nights im glad to welcome him back into my life as a bro and he already knows everyone in bfbg so its great.

I also will like to welcome Sue and Liz. These two are girls that heard i have a blog and i just gave it to them. This is me making a change. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts, even though i honestly dont even hang out with them im glad i can say im comfortable enough to share this with them.

The reason why my blog is titled misconception? its because im living a lie and i know it. I know that the reason why im blogging less isnt because im doing better but because im actually doing worse. Im getting skinner. I hate how rude some customers are in CVS. I havent found an internship yet, I havent been in school. Ive honestly been a fuckin mess. I cant look at my arms because it looks like im looking at a freakin twig. The only thing that is making me happy is LGB girl and yet im forced to be honestly indifferent about her because if im not then i honestly would be fucked if i mess it up at any given time. So i reep the bond for its emotional benefits without taxing my mentality.

On a more philosophical level i realized that even when a blend between selflessness and being content with what you have are found. All you are left with is what i found, Which is a selfish and a universal empty feeling. I consider it selfish because its not actually selflessness if im not risking a reasonable amount for that im receiving. This goes back to the fundamentals, the days of full metal alchemist. lol Also, if i can tell myself that what matters to me doesnt actually matter and mean it then what is meaningful? At this point, ive only succeeded in proving to myself that everything in this world is meaningless.

Fucked up.

My old house was haunted...and i always thought it was the basement. The basement was so creepy. It literally looked like they left the foundation bare as it was and make that a basement. The floor was made by some weird rock as well as the walls and there was this deep dark corner to it..my parents used to always have to go down and do their laundry but i always hated that place. I was much more in tune when i was younger...especially when i was younger and i just...got a really bad feeling from that place.

I guess i have a mater now, I cant handle much stress at all anymore and if i do have any stress then i have very disturbing nightmares. Let me show you how disturbed my head is. This dream was a story so its not controlled, but the characterization was convincing and the map of the house was spot on. My eldest sister my dad and i were watching tv late at night one night with the basement door open. My mother was the first to die..She went downstairs and over the tv me my dad and my sister started hearing slushing noises, Like someone stepping in an icy puddle close by or well, someone cutting meat. Then we heard a crack. My dad switched off the tv and the three of us sat there listening, wondering what that was. We started to hear whispering and my dad in chinese called out to our mom. He calls out again when she doesnt respond and we heard breaking bones and more slicing meat. Then we heard a highpitch strill and a demonic voice jokingly talked to us for 30 minutes. It was happy, then sad, then angry. The tones it was using was telling us he was enjoying himself and to back the fuck off and let him stay in our basement. My dad talked to it in chinese like wheres my wife?! and the voice went INSANE half gibberish half manic laugh. Me and my sister were absolutely truamatized. Laurie was passed out because she usually always passes out early. My dad goes and closes the door, locks it, then urges us all to come upstairs with him and sleep,we call the cops. We sleep and there was actually a pause in my dream. Unlike My new place which IS a basement, I actually saw sunlight and when i woke up and opened my eyes and for a split second when my eyes adjusted to the birghtness of the morning, I saw a face. This terrified me and i remember that my mother is dead I look around to see my dad not in bed, He used to share the same bedroom as i. This made me anxious and i ran to my sisters room, They were in bed and my oldest sister was telling the younger what happened the night before. I asked them where daddy is and they said hes downstairs talking to police. I went downstairs and right when i stood next to daddy i saw the pictures the detective was holding to his side. My mothers neck was spun 360 to look downwards but she was looking down hair everywhere because the back was broken as well, bent like a slouched back. Her arms were chopped off and i fainted. The nights were always the same. My dad and i sat downstairs because i refused to be without him, Even if it brought me closer to the evil demon. I was reasonable when i was little. Id rather be with him and have more firepower against this thing, then none and seperated, and if worse came to worse, loosing him too. My sisters were upstairs because they didnt see reason just fear. Me and my dad tried to lighten the mood by talking and he had a hair dryer and used it as a gun. With his weird funny laugh he walked around the living room with it out in front of him and said in chinese "This makes me feel baddass, Im a cop!" Me being a little kid found it funny because he was able to keep such a light attitude. Some nights we didnt hear anything but other nights we'd hear the mumbling and manic talks. Sometimes some screams and every morning we would find the basement door opened again, regardless if there were voices or not the night before. Truamatized after weeks i got used to it, i grew a pair. The demon just wanted to be alone but the whispers and the mumbles and the talks that seemed as if thee creature were telling us stories at night, maybe of all the wretched things its done made me a become a very ugly person. I Find it funny because my dream states that the demon made my dad as cranky as he is in real life. Lol Thats how cranky he is -_-'' seriously. I remember one night i went to the basement door and yelled "SHUT UP!" Then slammed the door and lcoked it as quickly as possible. The door rattled very angrily but then it stopped for the rest of the night.

But i have a very nice backround. Its fenced off on the side though because on the other side is legit woods. There were woods that went on for 2 blocks past that fence. When i was little me and my sister would lay in my big backyard and look over the fence at the tall trees and the veins wrapping around the electric wire. There was one tree taller than the rest and it looked amazing, we hear alot of what seemed like exotic bird calls. This was all in the projects of High Park, True story.

Anyways as the dream continued a week past and it was july 4th. Everyone was in and out of my house, surrounding my house because my neighbor was hosting a party, like usual. Lol So the air was filled with reggeton and festivities. I took advantage of that to tell my neighbors about it and a friend of my neighbors didnt believe me so they came into my house without anyone knowing. The demon clearly didnt like new people up to no good in the house. We had 10 locks on the basement door by july 4th and it didnt even open in the morning anymore. HE opened the fucking door and welp..victim #2. Back broken, head twisted and arms chopped off. But this time i looked a the pictures and cuddled next to the dead body was a little troll, a gremlin. The forensics team picked it up. ITs skin was transparent but there was a green tint to it, as if that was the color of its organs. I didnt see its face but thats when i woke up.

Fuckin why would my head make me a little kid just to truamatize me?

Edit::

This nightmare truamatized me the entire day. But that is the potential of meditation. 10 hours to 2 weeks. Its as far as the dream could reach and that was the first thing i noted. That is my potential right now unconciously. Idk about you but i find that fascinating. To learn as much as you would in 2 weeks as what you would in 10 hours? lol. The maniac voice was running in my head the entire day. It seriously is trumatizing when it felt like i had to sleep to that for a whole two weeks, To live on such an edge for two weeks. Imagine being 10 years old and trapped in a mental asylum for 2 weeks.

Ironic thing about that with this dream running in my head all day is that the nightmare could easily be a metaphor for my insanity. basement was the metaphor for that dark hole in me. The manic talk was my insanity and the first death being my mother is honestly no coincidence. Maybe that expresses my deep unknown hatred for her. She is the reason why i am so distant from my family today and why my dad is so cranky. It was because of her my dad disowned me and my head did a backflip and made me think..fuck family. I support them now and i love them i honestly do, but i feel as if much of the connection i have with them has been forever lost along with my memories. This is nothing i usually bring up because ehh idk i was thinking about it today and trying to explain why this dream occured. It makes sense that it made my dad as cranky as he was today and not more cranky. No, What was more interesting was the fact that i could dream about him in a happy state, because i honestly dont remember the last time i felt a genuine smile on his face. The way people died were symbolic as well. I noticed that in order to better myself ive become a very spiteful person and that transition actually happened during my more recent breakdowns. I see spite in the way the deaths were done. The chopped arms made the victims defenseless then he would break the neck so that the face would no longer show. Last the broken back. Idk about you but broken back to me symbolizes agony to me. Proverbs such as "I'll bear/carry your burdens" or "Id bend over backward for you" or idk.. alot of burden and agony comes with the back and when analyzing the dream i saw it as fit. My insanity wanted to see what i see, feel like all hope is gone then die with the utmost burden and honestly thats how i smite people. The gremlin is symbolic of my insanity. its transparent so you cant tell its there but its there and the green represented i want to say jealousy. It was in the same fetal position as its victim in my dream because it was most likely agonizing for the unnecessary victims. It was jealous of the happy go lucky mind. Honestly, I feel like i curse people with my open mind. Even when i was manic 5 years ago i grieved for all my friends that had to listen to me speak. It was of truths i found of the world and of myself, mass contradictions that noone could ever do anything about. Its the feeling of dispair that i shared. The curious mind died in the same manner but only because it stepped into that world and saw the ideas. The world is a very ugly place and that is a very pessimistic very to life but insanity knew it as true and regardless of whether or not ideas are true the person sharing it could convince it to be true due to the undying belief for those concepts. Thats only natural, a good example would be religion or this blogpost alone. I have sucessfully convinced you that i have insanity deep within me but why? because of a dream and an explanation. Yeah sure the nightmare is a bit disturbing but isnt any? Its the explanation that sold it to you. With that explaination was confidence and a clear pattern that could only be found with indisputable belief within myself. I found the reason to this dream because i looked for it and spoke of only the explanations i wanted you to hear. For example notice how i didnt question why even though i hate my dad, in the dream he was my knight in shining armor? I honestly dont know why i chose to stick so close to him in the dream because ive never been close with my dad. He is a very respectable man though and through and i know that he would support me if shit went sour. So question is does this make me insane even though i proved myself so? Thats up to you to decide.

Regardless, It was as if i successfully preformed inception by planting a memory into my younger years because i was experiencing that from a younger mind. I guess thats what happens when im under stress and i let go of inhibitions. Im back into a learning child state, something very dangerous for someone like me to feel especially when i experience stress because bam nightmares like these happen. Im able to feel like a child again therefore i can reteach myself things via dreaming.

Another blogpost about my burdens. Thats why i take everything with full strides and im so serious with everything and yet im so happy go lucky. lol. Which is why i honestly havent been feeling myself. Honestly, I felt better with theresa than i do her. Ive been forced into such a confined space that no matter who i talk to now its the same. Very dull conversations about me. Straight up. Like i met someone new today. Nobody special just an acquaintance of acquaintances and i was talking about clothes, school, books, movies but there is a level of conversation where i need to reach that makes me feel comfortable and that is of course for me unspoken. It is only with unspoken communication does that structured shit prosper in my mind. Because then i go on and on about how reckless i am and how much crazy shit ive done and what i do but that doesnt make me who i am. Its only with the unspoken communication that i know what to say, when to say it and how to word things because i feel like flow of the conversation, I know when she would bounce ideas off and when it would be a conversation ender. Thats why im so curious because surprisingly she got the hardpart down...which is the structured shit. But there is no chemistry! I have no idea what makes her tick. Idk how to explain it. Its just...I cant feel what she will do next and honestly that is done way before the structured stuff. This relationship is very interesting because im working backwards, literally. Ive already given up because there is no chemistry. I dont feel like im flirting at all because i havent said it. I havent called her beautiful i havent called her cute i dont compliment her on anything and its all so..dull. All i have to base this on is her actions. She texts me in the morning, she follows through with it for the whole day..she drove down to boston for me that night and left a party. Shes coming back to boston this weekend and clearly implied that she wants to see me, but i feel empty. Id much rather be with girl #2 which is nothing like me or even better a girl that knows both sides of me, such as theresa or lauren because they know my blog. Im excited to see her in person again because maybe its just me and i cant find chemistry through the internet. I need eye to eye contact. You know what? im going to kick up some dirt tomorrow. Im going to ask her if shes a virgin because honestly sure she has alot in common with me but ive never met anyone that is so damn stiff. She said she was born and raised in a catholic home and she loves kids and that is the only time i felt some emotion from her. When she talked about babysitting. Even when she talked about her future plans of opening a dojo i didnt feel much at all. Her mind is clearly elsewhere...maybe with her ex?