Surprisingly, even though i was gone boarding for 3 days, alot has happened. For the most part i was breathing and eating snowboarding...well..snow from snowboarding. haha I remember going to nh in the car and seeing my first small patches of snow and getting so excited. Well when i went on my first hill i couldnt even stand up it was really painful to watch me, i picked it up really quickly though thanks to longboarding. by the end of first day i was falling just like..several times each hill and i was getting better at heelside braking i was touching on toeside braking. by the second day i wasnt falling much at all and i moved to blues and was still working on toeside braking. To toeside brake you need to swing your back towards the bottom of the hill and brake using the toeside of your board. In longboarding its REALLY hard to learn without sliding gloves so i never did but i know how to powerslide which is essentially the heel side brake in snowboarding. Just whip out your back leg and make it parallel to the bottom of the hill and use the heelside of your board to break. By the second day i was able to do toeside successfully 3/5 of the time but i i kept spinning and alternating legs after toesiding so it was weird....but by the second day i perfected heelside so i would toeside, spin three 360 then heelside to brake YAY! my first trick lol. Its a really bad trick cause your not suppose to spin 360 when toeing it, on steeper mountains id fucking bust my ass doing that....and i did. By the third day i was hitting border blacks but i was never more scared in my life...i didnt fall much at all but i kept getting stuck cause itll get REALLLY steep then flat and id be heelsiding the entire thing scared shitless then come to the flat and just be like...*wiggle wiggle*....fuck im stuck.*faceplant then army crawl to the next downhill* lol the third day i was able to toeside without spinning like....1/10 times and i got alot better at the spinning trick and i could heelside brake whereever and whenever. These skills are only the beginning...i was only learning how to brake this entire 3 days. lol I have yet to just bomb a hill carving it. Then after learning how to carve i then can speed up my time and further sharpen my board control. Overall, it was really fun id definitely do it again. but i had such a workout because each time i fell...which was countlesss times it drained so much energy from me haha i wore a helmet so it was fine but something about falling in snow and catching yourself from sliding then crawling with your legs strapped to a giant fucking board is such a workout. Id go snowboarding just to fall and get the best workout ever. lol my sister actually said that i look bigger when i came back. Thats because my sister and her friends brought soo much food and it was all good so we all ate 5 meals a day and large ones and added onto the daily snowboarding workout made it awesomeee.
That was all that was going on in my head when i was actually going down the hill. How i need to throw my shoulders, shift my legs, lean. I was milking this snowboarding experience but when i was alone...which i did several times just to make it 10x more thrilling my mind wondered. I thought about work..I have no job now. I thought about theresa...thats how i kept warm actually...thinking about her heated me up. I still dont know what shes trying to do but i gave up trying to understand a while ago. Onto the next one. But i do understand why she didnt bite...its because i took her back everytime..i need to just be like..no fuck you you had your chances goodbye. But then that means im playing the game...but who said id be bluffing? shrugs* I thought about music. Rage against the machines is the best music to snowboard to cause its such heavy hardcore just...straight foward metal. love it. WE GOTTA TAKE THE POWER BACK haha. That song i feel like sums up my last three days. Its so much awesome ego boosting rage. Its chaos but it speaks of creating something better.
"Yo, we gotta take the power back!
Bam! Here's the plan
Motherfuck Uncle Sam
Step back, I know who I am
Raise up your ear, I'll drop the style and clear
It's the beats and the lyrics they fear
The rage is relentless
We need a movement with a quickness
You are the witness of change
And to counteract
We gotta take the power back!"
Its just straightforward boss lol. Its the pump i needed to bomb the gnarly blues on the trip and redirect my resentment. So fuck yes! cant wait for first night shes going to bring her friends and im going to bring bfbg :] Ive been talking to tfk alot lately via phone and im glad shes just so mature haha. Im glad i decided to go with the flow with her instead of trying anything crazy because now im just have a really good friend :] what else? my whole body is killing me. i need to hold my forearm to tighten my grip because my wrist was strained from landing so many times on it and well...pretty much on everything. oh and last night was ridiculous i think i drank like...at least 9 shots. i had to take 5 shots straight. Fucking cant gamble for shit. lol and i kept loosing! so many shots @.@ after a while everyone was trashed though so we played texas holdem with chocolate haha it was fun well thats it!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
"I see you"
I used to have this natural skill that lasted long after i lost my center. Its a bitch to learn at first but once you learn to meditate at high levels its literally almost impossible to forget because you use it SO much that it becomes instinctual. I say literally and yet almost because well..ill get to that. ANYWHO i have the ability to look into someones eyes and just..know. When trained independently i can look into someones eyes and feel your past. Your memories are only what emotions you felt during those events, i learned that the hard way. Which is why i lost my memory during that tragic period...but thats an old story haha.
Thats another reason why i have such bad memory, due to lack of emotion. Without emotion nothing sticks to long term memory and it passed through your brain as if you are looking at a random object. And kids, thats the secret to studying. People that study super long dont make them smart, it actually means theyre less advanced. When i was in middleschool i was able to control my emotions so i could focus yet have one solid emotion flare the entire time. That way you only need to look at the material once and the emotion was so profound that you wont forget the material. (funny thing is i failed in academics all my life because i was meditating at such a young age that i thought that studying and school was honestly pointless...until i lost my center and realized i have no work ethics to help me up) Meditation at its finest ;) The only reason why people remember the stuff they study better when they study longer is because 1) the self discoveries, therefore epiphanies(which could be found 10x faster when meditating when you study cause like i said before if the physical body shuts down and your brain is only processing the information in your head already....15 mins can equate to 45 mins at least that was my old self's time), and 2) the amount of stress which they are put under while digesting the information. Such an unhealthy emotion...Which is why it is soon forgotten. Its natural for the human mind to dispel of stress while you sleep so the less stressed you are, the less you will remember. Of course the human mind after studying enough confuses stress for confidence because they see a correlation between good grades and stress but once theres seriously a hard test and BAM real stress shows up and fucks people over. The studying all goes down the drain because not only was it based on the emotion of stress but it is blended and confused with the emotion of confidence. See why i want to meditate now? lol this is only 1/10000000th of the benefits you get from understanding yourself. i can tell you this but you cant control your emotions and focus at the same time anymore can you? fml. lol
Anywho, i digress. The ability to see into other peoples eyes used to help me so much. I would be able to look into their eyes and feel theyre stronger emotions and there are two things to the emotions seen in eyes. Depth and what i like to call drag. Depth is the density if this emotion how powerful it was could give me a brief understanding of how much it impacts you and drag. The amount of time this emotion has been dragged. If a very deep hatred has died but dragged for a long time it would be heavy in the eyes but feel distant. If only i could combine now me with old me shit would be RIDICULOUSS. The swag of new me with the assistance and confidence of old me. man.. But yeah so by understanding myself i was able to see into others clearer. It only takes a glimpse of the eyes. When you watch animes or shows and you hear people say, "i see the look of a soldier in your eyes, its as if your staring into the distance." sayings such as those, have so much truth behind them. Lol Theyre lives are filled with such DEEP and present emotions that even the average person is able to see it.
This is the first time i ever really wrote an indepth discription about eyes..Then again, this is the first time i wrote an indepth dispcription about any type of training i did during meditation. Not because i dont want to but its because i dont remmeber. then again i understand why i remember this stuff. Its because all my knowledge was lost along with my emotion of love..Thats the emotion i tried to separate from my memories causing me to forget them. Lol. Self-inflicted ptsd. Foreshadowing.
Im getting ahead of myself though. Theres alot happening right now in my head that i honestly...cant even blog about so im going to skip it...sorry future self but im sure you understand.
So the date with tfk went well. It went great actually. We watched a movie, the adventures of tintin. Then went iceskating, then ate and talked. I walked her home afterward and weve been texting since. Were suppose to go to first night together and countdown. The closer i get with this girl the more sad i am. She is perfect. Shes rich, smart, openminded, humorous but humble. Shes mature and i see that shes low in confidence but she suffices by trying very hard to better herself. Shes a very beautiful human being. I get sad because shes older than me, and she deserves someone so much better. Shes also graduating the upcoming june and leaving the states. Ive realized that sooner or later were not going to have anything to talk about. Shes so shy that she doesnt want to ask me about who i am so whenever we talk, all the days weve texted back and forth have been very surfacey but shes clearly showing that she wants to be there. Im also not the best at digging for conversations, ive always hated small talk so this relationship is bound to turn bitter within the months to come unless she opens up.
That is the extent of my skill now, i can only feel one layer down now. The general and overall feeling. Thats why i said almost impossible..its a very vague feeling and it took me the entire date and all the text collected to feel it. I remember the eyes then put her personality into it and then i just feel.
Theresa and i started talking again and i dont know whether to be ecstatic or torn. Im talking to tfk now but i know shes going to graduate in the future so i dont want to give her too much...Theresa has complied completely and ive never felt better. The reason why i was so attracted to her in the first place is the fact that she has the eyes of someone seriously beautiful. Its hard to explain, at such a level people can only call it chemistry. I write about eyes now because i actually remembered this memory of me reading people via their eyes about 2 months ago but i let it marinate in my head because i honestly didnt know how to describe it. I remembered this because of theresa. I saw her eyes and was like...theres something passionate there. Which is why i kept myself so heavily gaurded. Even though she was flirting with me i still considered it just friendly. idk thats why i was so confused because i was mixed between my indisputable skill that has been unwavering for a decade and the actions of someone that does things that doesnt seem to quite...fit. Its impossible for me to explain because its something i felt but i know she knows what im thinking, with or without my blog, my blog is just a bonus. Theres something very unique about this girl and i know for sure now and dont intend to let go anytime soon. But at the same time, why would she start talking to me? Now im torn between two and i hate hurting hearts. Fuck i dono what to do because i already promised tfk id countdown with her on newyears. I dont blame theresa for coming back into my life..there has been plenty of times that girls i thought were special just werent..and to be honest i got used to it..but my im completely blown away now because she has proven herself so much... Ill ..figure out how to make a double win ill have to talk to one or the other... So much love this merry christmas.
edit:
Play the disappearing act doesnt hurt me. The more shit you put me through when im feeling a positive emotion only makes me better. Try making me angry then fuck with me...then again its impossible to make me angry and if you do, you wouldnt even get the chance to fuck with me. Im an open book baby, i got nothing to hide because nothing can hurt me, youre just giving me a mirror so i can show you who you are. What are your motives? i wish i could understand eyes again..
Thats another reason why i have such bad memory, due to lack of emotion. Without emotion nothing sticks to long term memory and it passed through your brain as if you are looking at a random object. And kids, thats the secret to studying. People that study super long dont make them smart, it actually means theyre less advanced. When i was in middleschool i was able to control my emotions so i could focus yet have one solid emotion flare the entire time. That way you only need to look at the material once and the emotion was so profound that you wont forget the material. (funny thing is i failed in academics all my life because i was meditating at such a young age that i thought that studying and school was honestly pointless...until i lost my center and realized i have no work ethics to help me up) Meditation at its finest ;) The only reason why people remember the stuff they study better when they study longer is because 1) the self discoveries, therefore epiphanies(which could be found 10x faster when meditating when you study cause like i said before if the physical body shuts down and your brain is only processing the information in your head already....15 mins can equate to 45 mins at least that was my old self's time), and 2) the amount of stress which they are put under while digesting the information. Such an unhealthy emotion...Which is why it is soon forgotten. Its natural for the human mind to dispel of stress while you sleep so the less stressed you are, the less you will remember. Of course the human mind after studying enough confuses stress for confidence because they see a correlation between good grades and stress but once theres seriously a hard test and BAM real stress shows up and fucks people over. The studying all goes down the drain because not only was it based on the emotion of stress but it is blended and confused with the emotion of confidence. See why i want to meditate now? lol this is only 1/10000000th of the benefits you get from understanding yourself. i can tell you this but you cant control your emotions and focus at the same time anymore can you? fml. lol
Anywho, i digress. The ability to see into other peoples eyes used to help me so much. I would be able to look into their eyes and feel theyre stronger emotions and there are two things to the emotions seen in eyes. Depth and what i like to call drag. Depth is the density if this emotion how powerful it was could give me a brief understanding of how much it impacts you and drag. The amount of time this emotion has been dragged. If a very deep hatred has died but dragged for a long time it would be heavy in the eyes but feel distant. If only i could combine now me with old me shit would be RIDICULOUSS. The swag of new me with the assistance and confidence of old me. man.. But yeah so by understanding myself i was able to see into others clearer. It only takes a glimpse of the eyes. When you watch animes or shows and you hear people say, "i see the look of a soldier in your eyes, its as if your staring into the distance." sayings such as those, have so much truth behind them. Lol Theyre lives are filled with such DEEP and present emotions that even the average person is able to see it.
This is the first time i ever really wrote an indepth discription about eyes..Then again, this is the first time i wrote an indepth dispcription about any type of training i did during meditation. Not because i dont want to but its because i dont remmeber. then again i understand why i remember this stuff. Its because all my knowledge was lost along with my emotion of love..Thats the emotion i tried to separate from my memories causing me to forget them. Lol. Self-inflicted ptsd. Foreshadowing.
Im getting ahead of myself though. Theres alot happening right now in my head that i honestly...cant even blog about so im going to skip it...sorry future self but im sure you understand.
So the date with tfk went well. It went great actually. We watched a movie, the adventures of tintin. Then went iceskating, then ate and talked. I walked her home afterward and weve been texting since. Were suppose to go to first night together and countdown. The closer i get with this girl the more sad i am. She is perfect. Shes rich, smart, openminded, humorous but humble. Shes mature and i see that shes low in confidence but she suffices by trying very hard to better herself. Shes a very beautiful human being. I get sad because shes older than me, and she deserves someone so much better. Shes also graduating the upcoming june and leaving the states. Ive realized that sooner or later were not going to have anything to talk about. Shes so shy that she doesnt want to ask me about who i am so whenever we talk, all the days weve texted back and forth have been very surfacey but shes clearly showing that she wants to be there. Im also not the best at digging for conversations, ive always hated small talk so this relationship is bound to turn bitter within the months to come unless she opens up.
That is the extent of my skill now, i can only feel one layer down now. The general and overall feeling. Thats why i said almost impossible..its a very vague feeling and it took me the entire date and all the text collected to feel it. I remember the eyes then put her personality into it and then i just feel.
Theresa and i started talking again and i dont know whether to be ecstatic or torn. Im talking to tfk now but i know shes going to graduate in the future so i dont want to give her too much...Theresa has complied completely and ive never felt better. The reason why i was so attracted to her in the first place is the fact that she has the eyes of someone seriously beautiful. Its hard to explain, at such a level people can only call it chemistry. I write about eyes now because i actually remembered this memory of me reading people via their eyes about 2 months ago but i let it marinate in my head because i honestly didnt know how to describe it. I remembered this because of theresa. I saw her eyes and was like...theres something passionate there. Which is why i kept myself so heavily gaurded. Even though she was flirting with me i still considered it just friendly. idk thats why i was so confused because i was mixed between my indisputable skill that has been unwavering for a decade and the actions of someone that does things that doesnt seem to quite...fit. Its impossible for me to explain because its something i felt but i know she knows what im thinking, with or without my blog, my blog is just a bonus. Theres something very unique about this girl and i know for sure now and dont intend to let go anytime soon. But at the same time, why would she start talking to me? Now im torn between two and i hate hurting hearts. Fuck i dono what to do because i already promised tfk id countdown with her on newyears. I dont blame theresa for coming back into my life..there has been plenty of times that girls i thought were special just werent..and to be honest i got used to it..but my im completely blown away now because she has proven herself so much... Ill ..figure out how to make a double win ill have to talk to one or the other... So much love this merry christmas.
edit:
Play the disappearing act doesnt hurt me. The more shit you put me through when im feeling a positive emotion only makes me better. Try making me angry then fuck with me...then again its impossible to make me angry and if you do, you wouldnt even get the chance to fuck with me. Im an open book baby, i got nothing to hide because nothing can hurt me, youre just giving me a mirror so i can show you who you are. What are your motives? i wish i could understand eyes again..
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Pushover
My sister just came home and was talking about this douchebag. She apparently has been flirting with this guy because he was a really nice guy...at first. Then after she hung out with him again she politely said im sorry but i just cant sleep with you and walked away and i mean, my sister was pretty messed up in leading a dude on like that but he got ridiculous. My sister said to him, "Im sorry, i just want to be friends" the nice guy that this guy used to be turned into a complete and utter douchebag saying "let me know when you get off of your high horse" and "I feel so bad for all of your guy friends, you are such a sad person and thats why youre never going to get anywhere" he also said "I will NEVER be a pushover" Apparently he, being 32, and still very immature saw this rejection as something my sister does daily to get off to. My sister just learned the word rejection, im so proud of her. But i asked her what a pushover is and she was like..."well...the best example is you. Its men that are overly nice..too nice. Like you, cause you let theresa walk all over you didnt you?" lol
i responded. Whats wrong with being a pushover? im a fucking proud pushover. My happiest days are days where i can make girls i care for smile, feel comfortable, and feel special. Honestly, its the best double win in the world to make a woman feel like shes loved and for a man to feel emasculated.
Anywho life has stabilized. I noticed it fluctuates greatly when i deal with meditation therefore dropped it for the time being! last thing i need on my head is stresses about the world or myself that honestly could be fixed over time instead. Ill pick it up after i enjoy this new years and christmas :]
Speaking of which aside from fucking up my academics and financial life my social and physical life is great! I went to the gym yday alone and toned up. now im 140 again WOOT FUCK YEAH! BOOOSH BITCH lol. now i have to keep it going. mother...fucking..160 HERE. I. COME. goddamnit. lol
Anywho tomorrow im really excited. Im taking tfk out on a date. I feel reallly bad cause i still dont know her name LOL but weve been texting everyday and though we dont really have chemistry...it can easily be built over this date :]. Shes openminded enough for me to give her a try and she responds to my text! omg! never realized how grateful of that i am. Lol Since she is so good at texting i feel more compelled to wake up early just to say good morning to her. I dont want to come off as a lazy bum to her cause its already weird enough that shes 3 years older than me lol so i have to show her im mature and responsible enough to fit her needs.
Ive been talking to kim too and honestly if i were to weigh out my options id choose kim...just because she doesnt seem like a super high maintenance girl and shes just as openminded mature and responsive as tfk. Problem though is shes taken...and i wouldnt say shes as smart as tfk...nor even CLOSE to as rich. lol shit, tfk is more rich than my whole family. But good thing is she Isnt as rich as tfk, shes my age, and i can put my sense of humor out 100%. I still notice a small cultural barrier between me and tfk that makes me retract my crazy side slightly lol. I asked her for a highfive once and her friends said to her jokingly in chinese, "what is the point of that?" (refering to the highfive). I love highfives yo. lol but clearly its not an asian thing. idk haha. But ehh...im going with the flow. and the flow as led me to hang out with tfk before kim they are both amazing woman :]
So on the other note. I was really baked like..3 days ago and i was really enjoying myself even though i was at bb and i never go there but hell, im up for spicing shit up and i freakin bump into theresa. I honestly love to see her. She has a great smile and it makes everyone around her smile. What ive been really troubled about is why did i hate her after she left? I really sat on this thought for these past several days cause i hate feeling anger. It really fucked up my high and i got angry high instead and really didnt appreciate it. Its not that she was with another guy, i honestly could give two shits, I guess its the fact that she up and left when i was clearly intoxicated and just checking my phone...So heres how this story goes. I see her there and im like...fuck..fuck fuck fuck. shes facing the pool section every so often and jumping happily and shit so im like hh im going to say hi and get my phone charged in the meanwhile. I find out shes with a respectable guy. You go dude. haha so i leave my phone there but when i go to check it 15 mins later and sit down with my back facing them they up and leave. Way to cry for attention then make it awkward. Seriously. Thats what bugged me. Something tells me you were jumping around to attract my attention so i comply and in return you make it awkward..why? WHY? why do you need to make shit awkward? lol god. Im not going to lie..i do hold resentment towards theresa...but its just a faze that will be shortlived. Its just i dont like to leave things unfinished and for every girl before her idk, i guess i cant blame her at all. but still, i dont like how she works. Lol idk..thats why i actually put thought into it, because this is the first time in a while that i feel emotional resentment towards someone...why? idk..i dont hate her for any reason...cant blame her for anything because it all boils down to me being the one to blame for continuing to pursue such a person even though she rejected me 4 times lol *shrugs*
Anf, i want to leave it so bad. Im sick of the management and been sick of the way the company is run. Since the pay is shit and the friendly home-like feeling of anf is destroyed there is honestly nothing left of something i once loved. I dont feel obligated to follow anf anymore, idk i guess its time i move out of anf...ive always told myself id never get stuck in one retail store for too long. I already knew itd grow on me and thats the last thing i need. A stable fucking RETAIL job. Men need to shoot higher. Funny thing is i most likely will just go to another retail store like express or cvs. LOL but HEY! at least they pay more.
My life is average. eh. apparently whole foods near symphony is hiring im definitely going to sign up there. Ive also been doing autobody shop research. Im legit going to go into a automotive shop and be like...I dont know shit but can i be your tool fetcher for a year? just teach me! i need a job that is engineer-related! and i want to learn how to fix cars..its a double win. Ill be the best fucking tool fetcher you heard of. lol. ill suck dick to fix cars day in and day out..shit i honestly dont car if they dont pay me lol. so thats what ive been researching. As well as slowly studying for my permit *cough*
Well theres nothing much left...I cant wait to hang out with lauren! shes back in boston and she still hasnt hung out with me grrr...
Oh i am also still mourning for my longboard...still broken under my bed...im so torn about that i cant even bear to dismantle it again..it hurts me too much to see it stripped again. Ill just do it after i buy my new trucks. Lol
People need to get used to the amount of layers i have to myself..i feel like i have more than many other people. I know this because i just found out im the only one that can naturally feel chi flow when im high...I thought everyone was more intune to others and their surroundings when their baked and if im angry then you would feel it....apparently its not normal to be so acute. LOL
I have a mask...which is my character outside. That is me. But its a mask because its just the extremel general summary of who i am. and my mask has alot of layers in itself. Im very open with the character i use to communicate with others. Its a very instinctual ethical person though. A layer underneath that i am thinking why i am such an instinctual ethical person and underneath that i am thinking how i am an ethical person and underneath that, which so few people in my life have come to see..is a genuine person. But the layers are so thick due to all the whats from the first layer, why's from the second layer, and how from the third layer that before you come to realize there is another side to it people just bail out of my life, unable to handle how flexible i am. Thats why its so hard for me to find a perfect girl, i am every contradiction you know of. Im nice but a douchebag, atheist but a believer, responsible but unreliable, demanding but a "pushover", i am motivated but have no confidence and i strive to live with a passion but i want to die. In completely sane but im missing a few screws. i...make no sense. LOL to anyone. They see these contradictions and get scared. But ive incorporated it so even though my outward personality is a crazy asian guy (which actually dates back to 6th grade, i needed a solid enough image to cover the sadistic thoughts screaming from my head) If people hung out with me enough, they can tell i think about my actions...very diligently and im able to change dramatically in different environments. therefore the other two layers manage to weave back into the first. If one can understand that and see past all the awkward contradictions all you might actually see is a very genuine person. Why go through all the trouble in making it so difficult? well, why not just simply have an open mind? Everything in life is worth grasping... everything. And ill end this post at that.
i responded. Whats wrong with being a pushover? im a fucking proud pushover. My happiest days are days where i can make girls i care for smile, feel comfortable, and feel special. Honestly, its the best double win in the world to make a woman feel like shes loved and for a man to feel emasculated.
Anywho life has stabilized. I noticed it fluctuates greatly when i deal with meditation therefore dropped it for the time being! last thing i need on my head is stresses about the world or myself that honestly could be fixed over time instead. Ill pick it up after i enjoy this new years and christmas :]
Speaking of which aside from fucking up my academics and financial life my social and physical life is great! I went to the gym yday alone and toned up. now im 140 again WOOT FUCK YEAH! BOOOSH BITCH lol. now i have to keep it going. mother...fucking..160 HERE. I. COME. goddamnit. lol
Anywho tomorrow im really excited. Im taking tfk out on a date. I feel reallly bad cause i still dont know her name LOL but weve been texting everyday and though we dont really have chemistry...it can easily be built over this date :]. Shes openminded enough for me to give her a try and she responds to my text! omg! never realized how grateful of that i am. Lol Since she is so good at texting i feel more compelled to wake up early just to say good morning to her. I dont want to come off as a lazy bum to her cause its already weird enough that shes 3 years older than me lol so i have to show her im mature and responsible enough to fit her needs.
Ive been talking to kim too and honestly if i were to weigh out my options id choose kim...just because she doesnt seem like a super high maintenance girl and shes just as openminded mature and responsive as tfk. Problem though is shes taken...and i wouldnt say shes as smart as tfk...nor even CLOSE to as rich. lol shit, tfk is more rich than my whole family. But good thing is she Isnt as rich as tfk, shes my age, and i can put my sense of humor out 100%. I still notice a small cultural barrier between me and tfk that makes me retract my crazy side slightly lol. I asked her for a highfive once and her friends said to her jokingly in chinese, "what is the point of that?" (refering to the highfive). I love highfives yo. lol but clearly its not an asian thing. idk haha. But ehh...im going with the flow. and the flow as led me to hang out with tfk before kim they are both amazing woman :]
So on the other note. I was really baked like..3 days ago and i was really enjoying myself even though i was at bb and i never go there but hell, im up for spicing shit up and i freakin bump into theresa. I honestly love to see her. She has a great smile and it makes everyone around her smile. What ive been really troubled about is why did i hate her after she left? I really sat on this thought for these past several days cause i hate feeling anger. It really fucked up my high and i got angry high instead and really didnt appreciate it. Its not that she was with another guy, i honestly could give two shits, I guess its the fact that she up and left when i was clearly intoxicated and just checking my phone...So heres how this story goes. I see her there and im like...fuck..fuck fuck fuck. shes facing the pool section every so often and jumping happily and shit so im like hh im going to say hi and get my phone charged in the meanwhile. I find out shes with a respectable guy. You go dude. haha so i leave my phone there but when i go to check it 15 mins later and sit down with my back facing them they up and leave. Way to cry for attention then make it awkward. Seriously. Thats what bugged me. Something tells me you were jumping around to attract my attention so i comply and in return you make it awkward..why? WHY? why do you need to make shit awkward? lol god. Im not going to lie..i do hold resentment towards theresa...but its just a faze that will be shortlived. Its just i dont like to leave things unfinished and for every girl before her idk, i guess i cant blame her at all. but still, i dont like how she works. Lol idk..thats why i actually put thought into it, because this is the first time in a while that i feel emotional resentment towards someone...why? idk..i dont hate her for any reason...cant blame her for anything because it all boils down to me being the one to blame for continuing to pursue such a person even though she rejected me 4 times lol *shrugs*
Anf, i want to leave it so bad. Im sick of the management and been sick of the way the company is run. Since the pay is shit and the friendly home-like feeling of anf is destroyed there is honestly nothing left of something i once loved. I dont feel obligated to follow anf anymore, idk i guess its time i move out of anf...ive always told myself id never get stuck in one retail store for too long. I already knew itd grow on me and thats the last thing i need. A stable fucking RETAIL job. Men need to shoot higher. Funny thing is i most likely will just go to another retail store like express or cvs. LOL but HEY! at least they pay more.
My life is average. eh. apparently whole foods near symphony is hiring im definitely going to sign up there. Ive also been doing autobody shop research. Im legit going to go into a automotive shop and be like...I dont know shit but can i be your tool fetcher for a year? just teach me! i need a job that is engineer-related! and i want to learn how to fix cars..its a double win. Ill be the best fucking tool fetcher you heard of. lol. ill suck dick to fix cars day in and day out..shit i honestly dont car if they dont pay me lol. so thats what ive been researching. As well as slowly studying for my permit *cough*
Well theres nothing much left...I cant wait to hang out with lauren! shes back in boston and she still hasnt hung out with me grrr...
Oh i am also still mourning for my longboard...still broken under my bed...im so torn about that i cant even bear to dismantle it again..it hurts me too much to see it stripped again. Ill just do it after i buy my new trucks. Lol
People need to get used to the amount of layers i have to myself..i feel like i have more than many other people. I know this because i just found out im the only one that can naturally feel chi flow when im high...I thought everyone was more intune to others and their surroundings when their baked and if im angry then you would feel it....apparently its not normal to be so acute. LOL
I have a mask...which is my character outside. That is me. But its a mask because its just the extremel general summary of who i am. and my mask has alot of layers in itself. Im very open with the character i use to communicate with others. Its a very instinctual ethical person though. A layer underneath that i am thinking why i am such an instinctual ethical person and underneath that i am thinking how i am an ethical person and underneath that, which so few people in my life have come to see..is a genuine person. But the layers are so thick due to all the whats from the first layer, why's from the second layer, and how from the third layer that before you come to realize there is another side to it people just bail out of my life, unable to handle how flexible i am. Thats why its so hard for me to find a perfect girl, i am every contradiction you know of. Im nice but a douchebag, atheist but a believer, responsible but unreliable, demanding but a "pushover", i am motivated but have no confidence and i strive to live with a passion but i want to die. In completely sane but im missing a few screws. i...make no sense. LOL to anyone. They see these contradictions and get scared. But ive incorporated it so even though my outward personality is a crazy asian guy (which actually dates back to 6th grade, i needed a solid enough image to cover the sadistic thoughts screaming from my head) If people hung out with me enough, they can tell i think about my actions...very diligently and im able to change dramatically in different environments. therefore the other two layers manage to weave back into the first. If one can understand that and see past all the awkward contradictions all you might actually see is a very genuine person. Why go through all the trouble in making it so difficult? well, why not just simply have an open mind? Everything in life is worth grasping... everything. And ill end this post at that.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
this river is wild
So last night i had another really bad nightmare. I was dying of some serious disease. It was not a controllable dream but it was very graphic. I remember sitting with my sister and my sister was in this dream all the way through. I was listening to a really depressing song and trying to make a 9gag comic and i asked her to help me because i promised myself that before i died id try to make as many people happy as possible. The dream was verryy depressing, desperate, and just plain ol sad. My sister didnt know what to say cause i was crying nonstop so she held my hand and did her typical "idk what to do but ill smile" face. What i assumed happened was that i went to the doctors to find that i had this serious illness during the later stages, so it was very sudden. Sounds like something irresponsible i would do, honestly. But yeah my sister tried to play happy songs and i remmeber i got her to laugh because we went out for a drive, i knew how to drive and things felt better but then mid drive i started getting chest pains making it hard for me to breath. I throw up the mcdonalds i just ate and i pull over. My sister ends up grabbing the wheel and driving for what seemed like forever. I was in the back suffering from the most agonizing pain in my chest and gasping for air and then i start to lose focus and my fingers go numb...Its at this moment that i realize im dying. I look at my sister and the pain has dulled slightly. I wanted her to just stop driving and let me see her again..then kanji wakes me up with his blaring siren alarm clock.
Ive died many times in my dreams before but never has my mind actually portrayed an actual death before. im actually pretty shaken up now because by the end of the dream all the tears i shed and the pain i felt made it so real. idk...i need to quit smoking. I am afraid of death now so i dont know why i keep trying to tell myself otherwise.
Ive died many times in my dreams before but never has my mind actually portrayed an actual death before. im actually pretty shaken up now because by the end of the dream all the tears i shed and the pain i felt made it so real. idk...i need to quit smoking. I am afraid of death now so i dont know why i keep trying to tell myself otherwise.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Fired
[Edward throws Tucker against the wall]
Alphonse: Brother!
Edward: This guy used his own wife, Al!
Alphonse: A-and this time?
Edward: HIS DAUGHTER!....and his dog! He transmuted them into that... THING! An easy process when you use people, right?!
Shou: Why are you getting so upset, Edward? It's the nature of scientific progress: animal testing, experimentation, trial and error! All advancements have -- a price.
Edward: Shut up! I'm not gonna let you rationalize this, you monster. That was your own family, damn it! You've been toying with people's LIVES!
Shou: Poeple's lives? hahaha right, peoples live's indeed. Like your arm and leg there? Or your brother's body? Or trying to bring your mother back? That's toying, isn't it? You don't really think you are any different from me, do you, Ed?
Alphonse: Why, Mr. Tucker? The whole point was to pass the assessment and continue your way of life. But now your family's gone. What life is left?!
Shou:That's the funny thing, I didn't have a reason. I fully understood, no matter what I did, my life would be ruined. I could either do it with the science, or without. And so I chose science, to see if I could.
Edward: What kind of man...
Shou: When you have the power to do something, it's hard not to try. Isn't that what we agreed on, Ed? Aren't we so much alike?
Edward: NO!
Shou: As a scientist, no, as a person, theres no bounds to your desire toput your knowledge into practice. You want to test out what kind of power has been given to you, by learning all the secrets that are hidden in this world. That is the essence of alchemy.
Edward: You're wrong. Alchemy isn't meant to be... I'm not like you! I'm not! NOT! NOT!
Alphonse: Brother, you'll kill him!
For everyone that knew me before college, ive always been obsessed with fullmetal alchemist, the anime show i got these quotes from. Id have to say ive watched the entire series from episode 1 to 51 easily at least 100 times. Thats why i was able to find these quotes so easily cause i remember exactly which episode and when it happened. This show was such a fucking great metaphor for my life. Its unfortunate that after two years the first quote i think back to immediately is this one. This is how i feel right now. Im shou and ed, but thats because im trying to prevent myself from doing something stupid. alchemy, i saw it as a metaphor to meditation. In very high levels of mediation you can control exactly how you want people to react towards you by reading their emotions, seeing their chi and reacting accordingly...like a rpg game.
Let me clarify and speak in a tongue where future me reading this blog will understand. Meditation. My yang has been growing rapidly, its the first thing that grows because im so experienced with it. But at the same time my body is used to yin now, subconciously thanks to bfbg. They are such a welcoming and friendly community that im constantly happy around them. Actually today i was using so much yin kanji literally said "wait, i cant stop smiling but im sad this doesnt make any sense!" haha cause we were playing pingpong and i told him that if he lost then he would have to come to the strip club with us. lol he really didnt want to do it. haha he has a girlfriend and he believes its a waste of money but everyone was willing to pay for him just to have a good time haha. After an intense game of ping pong thats how he responded. Anyways. I was smoking before getting on the train, i had to wait twenty mins for the train and i suddenly went under...forgot what song i was listening to...damnit but i instilled a thought in my head now. I want to see my world go to shit, just to see what i can do. I want to get angry again. I can easily do so just by breaking a small wall in my head haha. But i wanna rage and just go 100 percent to feel like im king of the world again why havent i done it? well 1) i dont want my world to go to shit and 2) im not actually going to feel like a king because most likely with such anger and with the mental/ emotional strength i have now i might as well jump off a cliff and be done with it. its honestly not worth the burden lol
So its a loss loss but my head is itching or discovery. To see if i can still do it and get through it. Itll be a prime time to change any bad habits ive picked up or characteristics i dont like ever since the last time ive meditated. That is, if i can handle it haha. I honestly just got back into this shit i dont see what the rush is in being so negative all the time..Even though im like 80% sure i got fired from anf...and my longboard is destroyed...and i owe the credit card company about 300 bucks and my academic life is well..inexistant right now and i clearly need to re-evaluate myself due to SOMETHING going wrong in my head. You and i know theres something fucked up about me. haha but seriously. i still dont think its worth it to do that shit. I have barely grazed the surface of yin yet and im dying to suffer. the fuck thomas. haha
Well, Yeah umm..i got fired from my job. I kinda made it happen honestly...coming in 4 hours late..then an hour late..then 2 hours late...yeahh.. i called sara this morning cause i was suppose to come into work and i was like oh shit! (840) ill be there shortly i woke up late! (i was suppose to be in at 7) she was like dont even come in thomas, i cant handle your retardedness anymore, im taking you off the schedule- (she either said "for" or "as of" today) lol i was too sleepy and i was like...ahh shit. haha w/e didnt really like that job anyways. Paid too little. Love the people! LOVE that place what am i talking about!? But if i got fired im not going to miss it. haha I got an interview at express though! hey! lets do it up time to suit up haha.
Ehh im a mess..Cant wait for classes to start again seriously. i cant fuckin deal with vacations. Gives me too much time to do stupid shit.
Good news is, im getting closer to this british asian grad girl haha. I met her via pool and i havent seen her in awhile and when i went into the poolroom two days ago she was like...Hey!! i havent seen you in a while! and im like yeah same here! and shes like..i..missed you! It was one of those genuine moments where you havent seen a friend in a while and well... you miss their presence..and well i said i missed her too haha. I just got on campus late today and she was walking out the exit of curry i was going to enter and she grabbed a seat next to me and we talked for about an hour haha. She has this really sexy hint of english accent behind a slight asian accent. I actually havent written her name yet because i cant..pronounce..it LOL shes from china but lived in london for like...4 years. Hey i learned from my last one...no sudden movements. haha I might give her my blog. i found it to help me when i gave theresa my blog because i felt just that much more comfortable talking to her. Knowing that if she wanted to, she could know whats actually going on in my head beyond that day to day laugh, smile and craziness. Its a really good situation because i know if i forced any of these thoughts upon someone im getting to know then it would go terribly wrong haha.
Well, idk the funny thing about this girl is that i was actually going for her superhot fucking supermodel-status friend before her. Im not sure if she knows about it haha. Me and her friend are still really cool we still text..but very rarely.. But once again..another fuck up. haha Shrugs* I fucked up cause i went for it..we were ballroom buddies for several weeks and she learned how to tango, waltz, and foxtrot it was fun haha. Then i made it awkward because i took her out to eat there were alot of silences. I choked up because she looks like a fucking supermodel, international student, shes well educated and older than me by 5 years AND shes most likely BANK studying internationally at northeastern holy shit. Plus points upon plus points. So i tanked haha. Oh well. This girl im talking to is almost just as hot and has the accent damn...makes me pat my hind leg and wag my tail when she talks haha.. Creeeep haha i know anywho
What else i didnt blog about recently is my nightmares. Ive been having alot of vivid nightmares lately. One of them being having sex with my fuckin COUSIN. i honestly never felt sooo disturbed in my life. I remember being in my bedroom and there was sex in the air..like seriously...and i didnt know who was in the other room but i knew that girl wanted to bed me. I was like okay this is a wet dream this should be interesting. I go into my sisters room and my sisters are gone but my cousin is there waiting for me. She grabs me and throws me against the wall and im like UGHHHH OMFG NOOOO and she makes out with me...terrible desperate kissing and she rips my clothes off and i grab for the door but she pulls me back and i trip over my pants and she was like come here! and steps over my body cause im on the floor so shes standing over me and thats when i woke up...scared SHITLESS lol you dont understand..worse wet dream ever. hahahaha.
Then there was this really intense zombie dream. Im used to zombie dreams now and im like okay theres zombies this is a fucking dream and reallly graphic dreams are usually controlable. I remember going up to a door and knocking it when i first enter the dream...idk why...my first instinct was to honestly fuck with the dream so i knock on the door expecting to hear the sound of two kncoks on wood and be impressed by a really vivid dream but due to the knocks i heard a growl like a dog and then the door started shaking uncontrollably i look around and see myself in a library kinda hospital like set up. Big spacious white and alot of books..maybe the research center of a lab in the hospital. OR A SCHOOL! it was probably a school, but w/e it was a glitch and in the dream it looked pretty legit so i was pretty fuckin certain they were going to get through that door when i was in that dream and i was like FUCCKK so i ran around to find weapons and equipment and another door. Pretty much my whole dream consisted of serious heart racing action packed running in close quarters with zombies. Mother fucking. This time, it was so fast paced i couldnt think. My adrenline was too high. Last time i had a memorable zombie dream i was able to think of a ladder..then see a ladder and climb it...or think of a car and run out into the street and find an unlocked car. Yeah, this time it didnt work. I was scared shitless.i remmeber i managed to kill one zombie cause he was alone and i heard him and he was running down the hall and i was around the corner and i had a letteropener and i jabbed it into the back of his neck. REALLLY graphic sensations im telling you. Feeling a letteropener go through dead flesh is NOT a comfortable feeling..its like finger blasting a cold duran. *shivers*
So those are the only two i remember the rest were well..lost stories because i didnt blog about them in time haha. There were about 5.
Well about theresa..She started tumbling again..clearly more interactive with her page and it honestly made me smile and it made my day. Made me really feel great today thats why i was able to radiate so much positive energy today, honestly. But idk. Just like with this new girl, im going to let the flow take me. hopefully the flow leads us to hanging out because i feel like i dont trust theresa enough with my heart for her to handle it but hey...im really excited to see her have me fall for her again haha. im rooting for you girl. Ill put in my part but only enough so that youre given the chance to willingly show me yours. Thats what awesome guys do :D always giving people another chance. Well because technically in real life this was all a linear chain of events and im not suppose to act like she fucked up cause i simply took time to focus on finals week. EY! the wonder and weirdness of thomas's mind haha This applies for both girls but idk. im just chillin. haha
btw theresa put something very poetic on her tumblr..that is seriously me hha id like to document it for future reference:
"laugh so hard that even sorrow smiles for you; fight so strong that even fate accepts defeat; love so true that even hatred walks out of the way; and live life so well that even death loves to see you exist."
Well my life is going into shit and im not giving a fuck! shit! i need to go job hunting STAT.
Alphonse: Brother!
Edward: This guy used his own wife, Al!
Alphonse: A-and this time?
Edward: HIS DAUGHTER!....and his dog! He transmuted them into that... THING! An easy process when you use people, right?!
Shou: Why are you getting so upset, Edward? It's the nature of scientific progress: animal testing, experimentation, trial and error! All advancements have -- a price.
Edward: Shut up! I'm not gonna let you rationalize this, you monster. That was your own family, damn it! You've been toying with people's LIVES!
Shou: Poeple's lives? hahaha right, peoples live's indeed. Like your arm and leg there? Or your brother's body? Or trying to bring your mother back? That's toying, isn't it? You don't really think you are any different from me, do you, Ed?
Alphonse: Why, Mr. Tucker? The whole point was to pass the assessment and continue your way of life. But now your family's gone. What life is left?!
Shou:That's the funny thing, I didn't have a reason. I fully understood, no matter what I did, my life would be ruined. I could either do it with the science, or without. And so I chose science, to see if I could.
Edward: What kind of man...
Shou: When you have the power to do something, it's hard not to try. Isn't that what we agreed on, Ed? Aren't we so much alike?
Edward: NO!
Shou: As a scientist, no, as a person, theres no bounds to your desire toput your knowledge into practice. You want to test out what kind of power has been given to you, by learning all the secrets that are hidden in this world. That is the essence of alchemy.
Edward: You're wrong. Alchemy isn't meant to be... I'm not like you! I'm not! NOT! NOT!
Alphonse: Brother, you'll kill him!
For everyone that knew me before college, ive always been obsessed with fullmetal alchemist, the anime show i got these quotes from. Id have to say ive watched the entire series from episode 1 to 51 easily at least 100 times. Thats why i was able to find these quotes so easily cause i remember exactly which episode and when it happened. This show was such a fucking great metaphor for my life. Its unfortunate that after two years the first quote i think back to immediately is this one. This is how i feel right now. Im shou and ed, but thats because im trying to prevent myself from doing something stupid. alchemy, i saw it as a metaphor to meditation. In very high levels of mediation you can control exactly how you want people to react towards you by reading their emotions, seeing their chi and reacting accordingly...like a rpg game.
Let me clarify and speak in a tongue where future me reading this blog will understand. Meditation. My yang has been growing rapidly, its the first thing that grows because im so experienced with it. But at the same time my body is used to yin now, subconciously thanks to bfbg. They are such a welcoming and friendly community that im constantly happy around them. Actually today i was using so much yin kanji literally said "wait, i cant stop smiling but im sad this doesnt make any sense!" haha cause we were playing pingpong and i told him that if he lost then he would have to come to the strip club with us. lol he really didnt want to do it. haha he has a girlfriend and he believes its a waste of money but everyone was willing to pay for him just to have a good time haha. After an intense game of ping pong thats how he responded. Anyways. I was smoking before getting on the train, i had to wait twenty mins for the train and i suddenly went under...forgot what song i was listening to...damnit but i instilled a thought in my head now. I want to see my world go to shit, just to see what i can do. I want to get angry again. I can easily do so just by breaking a small wall in my head haha. But i wanna rage and just go 100 percent to feel like im king of the world again why havent i done it? well 1) i dont want my world to go to shit and 2) im not actually going to feel like a king because most likely with such anger and with the mental/ emotional strength i have now i might as well jump off a cliff and be done with it. its honestly not worth the burden lol
So its a loss loss but my head is itching or discovery. To see if i can still do it and get through it. Itll be a prime time to change any bad habits ive picked up or characteristics i dont like ever since the last time ive meditated. That is, if i can handle it haha. I honestly just got back into this shit i dont see what the rush is in being so negative all the time..Even though im like 80% sure i got fired from anf...and my longboard is destroyed...and i owe the credit card company about 300 bucks and my academic life is well..inexistant right now and i clearly need to re-evaluate myself due to SOMETHING going wrong in my head. You and i know theres something fucked up about me. haha but seriously. i still dont think its worth it to do that shit. I have barely grazed the surface of yin yet and im dying to suffer. the fuck thomas. haha
Well, Yeah umm..i got fired from my job. I kinda made it happen honestly...coming in 4 hours late..then an hour late..then 2 hours late...yeahh.. i called sara this morning cause i was suppose to come into work and i was like oh shit! (840) ill be there shortly i woke up late! (i was suppose to be in at 7) she was like dont even come in thomas, i cant handle your retardedness anymore, im taking you off the schedule- (she either said "for" or "as of" today) lol i was too sleepy and i was like...ahh shit. haha w/e didnt really like that job anyways. Paid too little. Love the people! LOVE that place what am i talking about!? But if i got fired im not going to miss it. haha I got an interview at express though! hey! lets do it up time to suit up haha.
Ehh im a mess..Cant wait for classes to start again seriously. i cant fuckin deal with vacations. Gives me too much time to do stupid shit.
Good news is, im getting closer to this british asian grad girl haha. I met her via pool and i havent seen her in awhile and when i went into the poolroom two days ago she was like...Hey!! i havent seen you in a while! and im like yeah same here! and shes like..i..missed you! It was one of those genuine moments where you havent seen a friend in a while and well... you miss their presence..and well i said i missed her too haha. I just got on campus late today and she was walking out the exit of curry i was going to enter and she grabbed a seat next to me and we talked for about an hour haha. She has this really sexy hint of english accent behind a slight asian accent. I actually havent written her name yet because i cant..pronounce..it LOL shes from china but lived in london for like...4 years. Hey i learned from my last one...no sudden movements. haha I might give her my blog. i found it to help me when i gave theresa my blog because i felt just that much more comfortable talking to her. Knowing that if she wanted to, she could know whats actually going on in my head beyond that day to day laugh, smile and craziness. Its a really good situation because i know if i forced any of these thoughts upon someone im getting to know then it would go terribly wrong haha.
Well, idk the funny thing about this girl is that i was actually going for her superhot fucking supermodel-status friend before her. Im not sure if she knows about it haha. Me and her friend are still really cool we still text..but very rarely.. But once again..another fuck up. haha Shrugs* I fucked up cause i went for it..we were ballroom buddies for several weeks and she learned how to tango, waltz, and foxtrot it was fun haha. Then i made it awkward because i took her out to eat there were alot of silences. I choked up because she looks like a fucking supermodel, international student, shes well educated and older than me by 5 years AND shes most likely BANK studying internationally at northeastern holy shit. Plus points upon plus points. So i tanked haha. Oh well. This girl im talking to is almost just as hot and has the accent damn...makes me pat my hind leg and wag my tail when she talks haha.. Creeeep haha i know anywho
What else i didnt blog about recently is my nightmares. Ive been having alot of vivid nightmares lately. One of them being having sex with my fuckin COUSIN. i honestly never felt sooo disturbed in my life. I remember being in my bedroom and there was sex in the air..like seriously...and i didnt know who was in the other room but i knew that girl wanted to bed me. I was like okay this is a wet dream this should be interesting. I go into my sisters room and my sisters are gone but my cousin is there waiting for me. She grabs me and throws me against the wall and im like UGHHHH OMFG NOOOO and she makes out with me...terrible desperate kissing and she rips my clothes off and i grab for the door but she pulls me back and i trip over my pants and she was like come here! and steps over my body cause im on the floor so shes standing over me and thats when i woke up...scared SHITLESS lol you dont understand..worse wet dream ever. hahahaha.
Then there was this really intense zombie dream. Im used to zombie dreams now and im like okay theres zombies this is a fucking dream and reallly graphic dreams are usually controlable. I remember going up to a door and knocking it when i first enter the dream...idk why...my first instinct was to honestly fuck with the dream so i knock on the door expecting to hear the sound of two kncoks on wood and be impressed by a really vivid dream but due to the knocks i heard a growl like a dog and then the door started shaking uncontrollably i look around and see myself in a library kinda hospital like set up. Big spacious white and alot of books..maybe the research center of a lab in the hospital. OR A SCHOOL! it was probably a school, but w/e it was a glitch and in the dream it looked pretty legit so i was pretty fuckin certain they were going to get through that door when i was in that dream and i was like FUCCKK so i ran around to find weapons and equipment and another door. Pretty much my whole dream consisted of serious heart racing action packed running in close quarters with zombies. Mother fucking. This time, it was so fast paced i couldnt think. My adrenline was too high. Last time i had a memorable zombie dream i was able to think of a ladder..then see a ladder and climb it...or think of a car and run out into the street and find an unlocked car. Yeah, this time it didnt work. I was scared shitless.i remmeber i managed to kill one zombie cause he was alone and i heard him and he was running down the hall and i was around the corner and i had a letteropener and i jabbed it into the back of his neck. REALLLY graphic sensations im telling you. Feeling a letteropener go through dead flesh is NOT a comfortable feeling..its like finger blasting a cold duran. *shivers*
So those are the only two i remember the rest were well..lost stories because i didnt blog about them in time haha. There were about 5.
Well about theresa..She started tumbling again..clearly more interactive with her page and it honestly made me smile and it made my day. Made me really feel great today thats why i was able to radiate so much positive energy today, honestly. But idk. Just like with this new girl, im going to let the flow take me. hopefully the flow leads us to hanging out because i feel like i dont trust theresa enough with my heart for her to handle it but hey...im really excited to see her have me fall for her again haha. im rooting for you girl. Ill put in my part but only enough so that youre given the chance to willingly show me yours. Thats what awesome guys do :D always giving people another chance. Well because technically in real life this was all a linear chain of events and im not suppose to act like she fucked up cause i simply took time to focus on finals week. EY! the wonder and weirdness of thomas's mind haha This applies for both girls but idk. im just chillin. haha
btw theresa put something very poetic on her tumblr..that is seriously me hha id like to document it for future reference:
"laugh so hard that even sorrow smiles for you; fight so strong that even fate accepts defeat; love so true that even hatred walks out of the way; and live life so well that even death loves to see you exist."
Well my life is going into shit and im not giving a fuck! shit! i need to go job hunting STAT.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Mr. bubbles
Once upon a time there was a bubble named mr. Bubbles. Mr bubbles was a conflicted man living among his large city of bottleville. You see, in bottleville he felt like everything was the same dull everything. One day he spontaneously blacked out and awoke to what felt like a dream, A fantasy of a world full color, just like him. All fascinating, ever changing yet ever so fragile. The day he realizes that this dream is too good to be true it would be too late. But it is real is it not? Mr. Bubbles needs to realize that.
P.s.i wrote this baked out of my mind lol. im not advocating weed but...it just lets everything flow so easily.. and im high again because finals are over..yayy. had to navigate through the hood and i swear cars were following me. I noticed several times that some hoodrats tried to do the flich test on me. like if i hear running begind me and i flitch then its game over lol. So i have to be mr tough guy even if it really is a barrel of a gun that im looking back at. haha doing it baked was fun.
So back to the meditation thing...Im not sure if im doing it right but ive gotten to a point where its very noticable to experienced chi users. NOT bad for someone that lost his center. EYY feel like im fighting cancer or something lol my chi trainer sometimes needs a break because my yang can get so powerful lol. Very aggressive chi that puts presure on surrounding people making it hard to breath or concentrate. My awkwardness isnt my awkwardness, when im more balanced like at work everythig goes very smoothly cause im not using yang but then when im out its like vomit disgust fml. Yin has the opposite effect. If my happiness level increases because of you or something funny, you will also get happy, spreading happiness essentially lol it gets happy make others happy lol but its hard to do that on a day to day basis again shrugs. So mr bubbles what now?
P.s.i wrote this baked out of my mind lol. im not advocating weed but...it just lets everything flow so easily.. and im high again because finals are over..yayy. had to navigate through the hood and i swear cars were following me. I noticed several times that some hoodrats tried to do the flich test on me. like if i hear running begind me and i flitch then its game over lol. So i have to be mr tough guy even if it really is a barrel of a gun that im looking back at. haha doing it baked was fun.
So back to the meditation thing...Im not sure if im doing it right but ive gotten to a point where its very noticable to experienced chi users. NOT bad for someone that lost his center. EYY feel like im fighting cancer or something lol my chi trainer sometimes needs a break because my yang can get so powerful lol. Very aggressive chi that puts presure on surrounding people making it hard to breath or concentrate. My awkwardness isnt my awkwardness, when im more balanced like at work everythig goes very smoothly cause im not using yang but then when im out its like vomit disgust fml. Yin has the opposite effect. If my happiness level increases because of you or something funny, you will also get happy, spreading happiness essentially lol it gets happy make others happy lol but its hard to do that on a day to day basis again shrugs. So mr bubbles what now?
Monday, December 12, 2011
Punch someone in the kidney
See even now, when my longboard, my most prized possesion is broken by a dumb bitch in a fucking car that cant drive..i still cant get all out angry. If her car was on my longboard for several more seconds i may have "accidently" keyed her car but i maintained my poise. I poked out like..1/3 out on the road and saw this car come up so i slow down enough to see what she would do but she was jerking her car...so i raced forward and she pumped the gas and ran into me. RETARDED lady. Ughh she was lucky i was nice cause i thought i was to blame cause i raced forward but now that i think about it...she should have saw my intent on moving forward cause i didnt slow my board completely and i was already out on the intersection and why the fuck did she hit the gas? -_- RETARDED lady. so pissed. jfidsoajfoijdsnfaisn she didnt even fuckin apologize. I was just like its okay its okay and let her drive away. WHY? Im going to have to drop another 60 bucks on trucks and 45 on shoes cause i dont have shoes anymore..she fuckin fan over my foot and tore my converse clean off it sole. fucking fuck shit. I really started to like my s10 trucks too. they were suchh good carving trucks I was getting used to the slower pace cause they had such a nasty turning radius. The power i needed for a power slide sharp 90 turn was like a cruise on the s10s. If i tightened them and started powersliding it would be GODLY. fucking shit bitch tit. And i only got them for 45 even though theyre worth at least 75. The person on ebay fucked up and sent me s10s instead. haha I believe that if i had my s8s i woulda rode right past that car without a scratch..thats how fast they are. so im going to get them again. But FUCK i shouldnt be buying ANYTHING for my board anymore. Now ive dropped more than 400 bucks on this 350 dollar board..fucking..piece of SHIT.
Retarded lady, Where could be in SUCH a rush too behind symphony market? its a tight ass rode with no lights and it goes towards fenway park. You better have been driving back to the kitchen you bitch. I should have asked her to pay for my shit on the spot -_- idk why my first instinct was to be so nice to her. Im pissed cause i found out my dads insurance is so much more expensive because he barely tapped the back of someones car. i seriously just saved her hundreds of dollars and now my family is bitching at me. fml
Retarded lady, Where could be in SUCH a rush too behind symphony market? its a tight ass rode with no lights and it goes towards fenway park. You better have been driving back to the kitchen you bitch. I should have asked her to pay for my shit on the spot -_- idk why my first instinct was to be so nice to her. Im pissed cause i found out my dads insurance is so much more expensive because he barely tapped the back of someones car. i seriously just saved her hundreds of dollars and now my family is bitching at me. fml
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Blue Dream
Now i just blog for the hell of it, haha before it used to be a very selected moment, like checkpoints as i go through the different "chapters" in my life. But yeah im downloading music..bored. and i thought i should update my collection of metal haha. I downloaded atreyus new album and well...i remember why i want to get them tattooed. haha just have my self consciousness tattooed on my skin thats great. haha but hey itll let me remember shit, dont be self concious. then again thats why i fuck up all the time cause i show my self conciousness. hahaha
So blue dream, most WEIRDEST fuckin weed ive ever had. It cause a very giggly gay high. Think 5 dudes baked and cant stop laughing and we seemed so fuckin gay. LOLOL it was so funny. and im smoking it again tonight. I definitely woke up today like..WTF WAS THAT SHIT? ahha Maybe it was just the funniest high night ever but w/e it was awkwardly fun. Seriously i was walking down the street and i Felt off cause like....connor slapped kanji on the arm jokingly after something was said....Do guys Normally do that shit sober? LOL then they both laugh i dont think it was just me but thats the thing! ill never know! hhaha mindfuckk well. uhh that was a different bro night...i just had to post about cause i was baked just thinking...were all so gay...WTF IS THIS SHIT? hahha im definitely bringing girls haha
Enjoying a beer at home studying for my last final is glorious haha
So blue dream, most WEIRDEST fuckin weed ive ever had. It cause a very giggly gay high. Think 5 dudes baked and cant stop laughing and we seemed so fuckin gay. LOLOL it was so funny. and im smoking it again tonight. I definitely woke up today like..WTF WAS THAT SHIT? ahha Maybe it was just the funniest high night ever but w/e it was awkwardly fun. Seriously i was walking down the street and i Felt off cause like....connor slapped kanji on the arm jokingly after something was said....Do guys Normally do that shit sober? LOL then they both laugh i dont think it was just me but thats the thing! ill never know! hhaha mindfuckk well. uhh that was a different bro night...i just had to post about cause i was baked just thinking...were all so gay...WTF IS THIS SHIT? hahha im definitely bringing girls haha
Enjoying a beer at home studying for my last final is glorious haha
Friday, December 9, 2011
Men
Today was rather memorable. I usually blog about hating my dad but today he was in a good mood. We bonded. I woke cause he woke up me up at noon and said, "you said you wanna help with the family but youre never home so heres your chance get up." i was complaining cause im used to 4pm but i honestly was refreshed after brushing ym teeth. I went outside to help him refurbish the family company truck. i helped him unscrew the bolts he drilled into the side of the truck. I was inside with the wrench while he was outside holding the bolts cause i was in my pjs. One thing me and my dad need to do more often is do hands on things cause me and him dont need to talk...we just work together because me and him are experienced engineers and know where each other are. I seriously love it when we work together cause i miss doing hands on stuff with peoplet hat know what theyre doing. When i needed to let him know where to move to id just knock on the inside of the truck where i was lightly and id just start screwing. Afterward we went to the dealership together and we picked up the toyota tacoma that was waiting for us. He didnt lecture me at all during the ride. Fresh ride and he just drove and we talked about unstressful stuff. I love my dad cause he has my sense of humor, serious yet allout fool haha and hes the smartest man ive ever met. Its unfortunate he honestly had to meet my mother cause it destroyed the amazing man he is. Creating a distant, short tempered, and stern man due to the daily need to take care of such a nonsensical female. He had to always have his best foot foward and take any responsibilty the minute he woke up. He got tired of it, and i understand him. Doesnt meet i dont hate him cause of the man he is now but seriously, both of us bonded through silent dad son moment. he told me to take several pictures with him before he started driving the truck to the dealership then he told me to take several pictures of him with his new tacoma. ITs a cheap car but its a chapter of his life he finally finished. No more hardwork and i saw the symbolism in it. I respect him as the man he is. You knwo i love you dad, youre a real bro though.
Unfortunately, half asleep i jammed my finger refurbishing the van and since it was cold my finger didnt just swell, my ring finger literally squirted blood against the side of the van. My skin cracked down to the fresh like a frozen grape between two fingers. Ive been wearing a paper towel brace, changed twice cause the blood went through twice. I have a very high tolerance to pain so its w/e i was just like o shit! and unscrewed the remaining bolts then ran inside cause my blood was dripping all over the van.
Ive been hanging out with thomas for the past two days and im not complaining hes a cool dude and he knows exactly where i came from. Asian that can from a hood-backround just trying to live and enjoy life at the fullest. He was actually the one that got me into smoking like.. sophmore year of highschool. I dont hate him for it haha i asked him for my first cig and i remember i coughed like a mother fucker haha.
I didnt buy my first pack until freshman year of college. What happened thomas? now you blaze through a pack in 3 days haha. Im honestly excited for no-smoking januray though. It was officially established because apparently there are alot of smokers on 9gag. They make alot of anti smoker comics now to brace smokers for non-smoking january haha. The longest ive ever been without a cig ever since freshman year was 16 days. When i dont smoke i get waves of crankiness that i need to keep in check. I would lash out very easily and then i immediately keep to myself cause i know its the cigs talking.
I like what cigarettes did though, i dont care what i did now i would never install anger into my life. This allows me to show people that i can be serious, and it shows myself that i when i want to get serious i can. For example, im so scared of drama that im seriously just...over it haha.. I woke up this morning and even texted her.I dont see the point in being so caught up anymore. I felt bad that ive said such stuff about her so i deleted it. Thats nnot me. That was trashed me typing like someone else was to blame. Life is too short for pain and hate, i would know. If anything it only slows down life just to make sure you understand how much shit there is in this world. I would know better than anyone. I hope we can still be friends, you just didnt hang out with me enough to understand me. I know you read this cause technically if you didnt then you would have responded, its finals week and i sure as hell was busy this week haha and i know if you didnt have a heads up as to whats going on in my head then you wouldnt be disturbed. See how i organized it? I mean, i didnt have much to do but ive been studying alot. I still have a final to do and i dont work but ive been job hunting and internship hunting like no other.
Eh idk, life is stabalizing again. Enjoying chainsmoking with thomas and talking to lauren. I got a ego boost today That i feel like i should grasp. I was standing on the sidewalk of forest hills smoking my first cig of the day straight enjoying it with music blaring in my ears and i could tell there were two girls behind me that were just standing there...they kept standing behind me so i looked at them. It was a white hispanic and asian from what seemed like sohpmores in college. There were two other people smoking but they made eye contact with me and said something, i took out my headphones and said im sorry what? and they were like do you have a cig i can bum? I was like sure and gave them a cig. they came over and started talking to me, asking for my name and what college i go to. We talked until my cig was done, i smoked another one with them just for the hell of it, i was flattered. Afterwards i just said it was nice to meet them and walked away. I was honestly flattered the whole day. I apparently have enough looks to attract girls to me still haha, of all races. haha Honestly the most attractive of them was the hispanic girl and she talked the most cause she was the only one that smoked but hell im flattered thanks girls for making my day haha
Ive been suit shopping as well, rather excited for the bu winter ball. Im going to be away from bfbg so its going to be weird and different for me, possibility of abosolutely hating it is probably 80% but hell, im going to be fresh as hell and drink as shit so itll be fun haha. alot of my highschool and oldtime friends are going to be there and id love to see them.
What else? Thomas and i are chain smoking in chris's basement. We had a chill night, 7 dudes 24 beers. around 4 beers each...just enjoyed the night. Hes asleep now haha I should be asleep too but ive been pulling way too many all nighters to care about sleep at this point haha.
Well, im going to sleep as well...enjoying my last beer haha stellas and hoegaarden are soo delicious. Ever since ive hung out with bfbg weve drank nothing but classy beer when we chill haha. We had a big discussion about beer actually. We put all the beer we know in 5 different tiers. It was a really bro chill night haha. Stella and hoegaarden, by our standards are in 4th tier. Classy, but cant beat dogfish haha. Ive never tasted dogfish before but apparently its 15 bucks for just a 6 pack. thats ridiculous haha. Ive tried beer from the brewery straight before though, growlers, that was when i first started liking beer. Thats why i like beer now, cause i started at tier 5 haha. and i was wondering why i didnt like bud, rolling rock or corona as much until now. Apparently i have a taste for good beer since i started with delicious beer :D haha
Well its 5:45 am good morning! im going to sleep haha cant wait for saturday. I honestly hope i see her there. Im not going to lie. I still feel like i have unfinished business so i would at least like to know were on good terms.
I bumped into giselle at prudential today actually. She was in sephora, like usual haha. I ignored her and dipped into gamestop, pretending like i was looking at games lol. Kevin was with me and was like..wtf are you doing? She was the many "almosts" that failed. She is a very nice girl, bought me a birthday cake for my 20th birthday. I didnt even get a 20th birthday cake from my family. Once she did that i knew i wanted her to be mine, this was after being interested in freshman year, loosing touch, then getting back in touch and texting every so often. A woman as nice as that deserves someone that can treat her well and i was willing to try to fit that shoe. I tried to thank her and ask her to grab a cup of coffee with her, She said she wasnt interested, like theresa, i understood but i guess i pushed too hard and she stopped responding to my text. Its unfortunate that i honestly couldnt thank her for that. Now i try to give her her space haha. Funny thing is when i stepped out of gamestop she stopped right outside, talking to her friend. luckily when i saw her i she was ahead of me but i think she saw me when i first saw her..and kevin said we were going the wrong way so we actually turned around. Therefore, i never had to past past her and say hi. haha. PHEW haha. I guess im not good with awkward moments anymore and shes apparently in a relationship now. *shrugs* Girls...cant live with them..cant live without them. Its safe to say ive gotten used to failing haha.
I havent been to the gym in a while and speaking of kevin, i he asked me to go to the gym with him tomorrow...im excited. haha I need a good beat up cause i feel like ive been slacking and going to the gym with him once would be as productive as like..2 or even three of my visits to the gym.
Unfortunately, half asleep i jammed my finger refurbishing the van and since it was cold my finger didnt just swell, my ring finger literally squirted blood against the side of the van. My skin cracked down to the fresh like a frozen grape between two fingers. Ive been wearing a paper towel brace, changed twice cause the blood went through twice. I have a very high tolerance to pain so its w/e i was just like o shit! and unscrewed the remaining bolts then ran inside cause my blood was dripping all over the van.
Ive been hanging out with thomas for the past two days and im not complaining hes a cool dude and he knows exactly where i came from. Asian that can from a hood-backround just trying to live and enjoy life at the fullest. He was actually the one that got me into smoking like.. sophmore year of highschool. I dont hate him for it haha i asked him for my first cig and i remember i coughed like a mother fucker haha.
I didnt buy my first pack until freshman year of college. What happened thomas? now you blaze through a pack in 3 days haha. Im honestly excited for no-smoking januray though. It was officially established because apparently there are alot of smokers on 9gag. They make alot of anti smoker comics now to brace smokers for non-smoking january haha. The longest ive ever been without a cig ever since freshman year was 16 days. When i dont smoke i get waves of crankiness that i need to keep in check. I would lash out very easily and then i immediately keep to myself cause i know its the cigs talking.
I like what cigarettes did though, i dont care what i did now i would never install anger into my life. This allows me to show people that i can be serious, and it shows myself that i when i want to get serious i can. For example, im so scared of drama that im seriously just...over it haha.. I woke up this morning and even texted her.I dont see the point in being so caught up anymore. I felt bad that ive said such stuff about her so i deleted it. Thats nnot me. That was trashed me typing like someone else was to blame. Life is too short for pain and hate, i would know. If anything it only slows down life just to make sure you understand how much shit there is in this world. I would know better than anyone. I hope we can still be friends, you just didnt hang out with me enough to understand me. I know you read this cause technically if you didnt then you would have responded, its finals week and i sure as hell was busy this week haha and i know if you didnt have a heads up as to whats going on in my head then you wouldnt be disturbed. See how i organized it? I mean, i didnt have much to do but ive been studying alot. I still have a final to do and i dont work but ive been job hunting and internship hunting like no other.
Eh idk, life is stabalizing again. Enjoying chainsmoking with thomas and talking to lauren. I got a ego boost today That i feel like i should grasp. I was standing on the sidewalk of forest hills smoking my first cig of the day straight enjoying it with music blaring in my ears and i could tell there were two girls behind me that were just standing there...they kept standing behind me so i looked at them. It was a white hispanic and asian from what seemed like sohpmores in college. There were two other people smoking but they made eye contact with me and said something, i took out my headphones and said im sorry what? and they were like do you have a cig i can bum? I was like sure and gave them a cig. they came over and started talking to me, asking for my name and what college i go to. We talked until my cig was done, i smoked another one with them just for the hell of it, i was flattered. Afterwards i just said it was nice to meet them and walked away. I was honestly flattered the whole day. I apparently have enough looks to attract girls to me still haha, of all races. haha Honestly the most attractive of them was the hispanic girl and she talked the most cause she was the only one that smoked but hell im flattered thanks girls for making my day haha
Ive been suit shopping as well, rather excited for the bu winter ball. Im going to be away from bfbg so its going to be weird and different for me, possibility of abosolutely hating it is probably 80% but hell, im going to be fresh as hell and drink as shit so itll be fun haha. alot of my highschool and oldtime friends are going to be there and id love to see them.
What else? Thomas and i are chain smoking in chris's basement. We had a chill night, 7 dudes 24 beers. around 4 beers each...just enjoyed the night. Hes asleep now haha I should be asleep too but ive been pulling way too many all nighters to care about sleep at this point haha.
Well, im going to sleep as well...enjoying my last beer haha stellas and hoegaarden are soo delicious. Ever since ive hung out with bfbg weve drank nothing but classy beer when we chill haha. We had a big discussion about beer actually. We put all the beer we know in 5 different tiers. It was a really bro chill night haha. Stella and hoegaarden, by our standards are in 4th tier. Classy, but cant beat dogfish haha. Ive never tasted dogfish before but apparently its 15 bucks for just a 6 pack. thats ridiculous haha. Ive tried beer from the brewery straight before though, growlers, that was when i first started liking beer. Thats why i like beer now, cause i started at tier 5 haha. and i was wondering why i didnt like bud, rolling rock or corona as much until now. Apparently i have a taste for good beer since i started with delicious beer :D haha
Well its 5:45 am good morning! im going to sleep haha cant wait for saturday. I honestly hope i see her there. Im not going to lie. I still feel like i have unfinished business so i would at least like to know were on good terms.
I bumped into giselle at prudential today actually. She was in sephora, like usual haha. I ignored her and dipped into gamestop, pretending like i was looking at games lol. Kevin was with me and was like..wtf are you doing? She was the many "almosts" that failed. She is a very nice girl, bought me a birthday cake for my 20th birthday. I didnt even get a 20th birthday cake from my family. Once she did that i knew i wanted her to be mine, this was after being interested in freshman year, loosing touch, then getting back in touch and texting every so often. A woman as nice as that deserves someone that can treat her well and i was willing to try to fit that shoe. I tried to thank her and ask her to grab a cup of coffee with her, She said she wasnt interested, like theresa, i understood but i guess i pushed too hard and she stopped responding to my text. Its unfortunate that i honestly couldnt thank her for that. Now i try to give her her space haha. Funny thing is when i stepped out of gamestop she stopped right outside, talking to her friend. luckily when i saw her i she was ahead of me but i think she saw me when i first saw her..and kevin said we were going the wrong way so we actually turned around. Therefore, i never had to past past her and say hi. haha. PHEW haha. I guess im not good with awkward moments anymore and shes apparently in a relationship now. *shrugs* Girls...cant live with them..cant live without them. Its safe to say ive gotten used to failing haha.
I havent been to the gym in a while and speaking of kevin, i he asked me to go to the gym with him tomorrow...im excited. haha I need a good beat up cause i feel like ive been slacking and going to the gym with him once would be as productive as like..2 or even three of my visits to the gym.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Earn it
Today i woke up after sleeping early last night feeling good but feeling like complete and utter shit. By now its expected when i have a mental fallout with theresa. I slug to work without anything in my stomach and come to find im tossed side work, i didnt complain since i needed some me time anyways. I just did usrs all day and kept to myself. It got really hard at the end though, not because i was tired but because i didnt eat all day and it was 7pm. It was as if i felt my stomach literally shrinking and my muscles were like grinding gears. All and all it was a rather mopey day. Right after work i came straight to the library (still in the library) and studied like no other for the final tomorrow. Once i started studying i felt better :] Then again i had a meal and a monster to refresh me. Now im in the library pulling an allnighter to study but im going to procrastinate a bit to clear my head haha.
I was bothered all day though by theresas single post. Not to be overdramatic but it honestly pissed me off. I felt like the bad guy after reading the post. It said something like..the day he texts you, youre going to realize you dont like him anymore. all those days you dressed up for him and tried to impress him didnt matter and instead of missing him youre going to remember that you hate him for hurting you so much. something along those lines. I honestly dont want to read it to take it word for word cause i read it and felt...disgusted. I dont give two shits about looks and what you wear any of that physical stuff. Thats why ive been trying to advocate COMMUNICATION this entire like...3 months. ive met many people in my life and trust me when i say i see a beautiful person that refuses to show and actually pushes people away for god knows what reason. You speak of being hurt as well...sure maybe that isnt a post you created so i always have to take tumblr post with a grain of salt but if you do feel hurt...that part..is what really bothered me. I feel as if ive been hurt 10x more than you because ive been the one to break all the awkward silences, create the conversation that goes through the day and push for something more everytime. Yes, i expect a female, if she likes a male, to do the same because then you if you dont do any of that then you reallly have no reason to complain. There is a difference between playing hard to get and plain out not putting in the part. Ive been in several relationships where the girl can play hard to get and still continue to show that at least shes there and interested. im sorry im flustered and its 5am..im getting to that point where im stressed and tired of studying and i dont want to hold it in anymore...thats what my blog is for. im not mad at you. im mad at the situation and how ridiculous it is. Im flustered because even though i feel as if youve done less than minimal in this relationship you still have the power to hurt me. Thats not your fault its mine. Im mad that when i was talking to my gay friend about you he said that in this time, it is natural for relationships to grow THIS slowly for a second i felt like i seriously did fuck up...and i seriously wanted to call theresa again. Then i looked through my text from right after nov 19th. It was the first text i sent her in about 2 days and from then on sure she initited some good night and good morning text, but there was nothing substantial in the conversations because they were so terribly spotty.
Trust me, its never too early to start to get to know someone. You have roughly 16 years of experiences to talk about thats 365 times 16 days to talk about and if you talk to them more then the even more you have to talk about because you relate back to previous conversations and they help you grow, they become a part of your life literally. I guess thats another reason why im attracted to you, because ive never met someone so bad at communicating XD i mean in any other relationship im absoltely terrible because i simply dont remember anything from like...the ages of 12-18 due to PTSD (self diagnosed) lol. You seem like such a smart girl too because if my gay friend is right and i did fuck up then you surely know how to play the game better than any girl ive ever met. And if anything, more uniquely than any girl ive ever met...using reverse psychology and push and pull tatics like noones business. You definitely have proven, ive guess, to be too good for me.
But im a dude with a ego, and during work ive realized why i refused to hold on even if you were interested. Its because i never want to give a girl the glory of reeling me in. Even if you opened yourself up after ive chased long enough that only means that you have the bigger hand and you decide when your comfortable to open up to me even though ive chased for like..2 months. Thats not just a theory. The relationship, if it did work out...would be completely fucked up. You'd have the impression that you have to lead but you'd probably want me to be the bigger man...but yet we got to know each other by showing that im your bitch? Ive been in relationships like that and well sorry but male superiority, even though its looked down upon its honestly necessary. Thats psychology and sociology for you. But tables can easily turn if you just texted me first this time. Im not going to ever text or call you again for this sole factor now. Because of my masculinity. Its not for me, but its for the relationship if either of us ever wish to see it happen. You probably think oh thats bullsht when youre in a relationship a relationship is a relationship but no...how you get to know the person and how you played the game will affect the relationship for as long as it last. Think of it like this...If we ever got married what would you tell friends? oh yeah we got to know eachother because i rejected this guy 4 times i actually had to ignored his text every so often because he was trying so hard but he kept fucking texting me everytime and sticking around so i finally decided he was worth a shot so yeahh....oh and he actually didnt even know if i was attracted to him the entire time but he was so determined to get me...LOL wtf is that? I think twilight has a better love story than that. haha sounds like im a creep and i like..raped you. LOL If you honestly didnt like me until after the fourth time you rejected me...thats still fine. We'd be the couple people laugh at in those shows like how i met your mother, where the girl got comfortable being at her worse, bitching at everyone and everything and the man being the females bitch. haha IF it were to work out. Sorry, cant let you get too comfortable tossing me around. Thats why i dont believe in the quote "if he/ she cant handle my worst, she/he surely doesnt deserve my best" NEIN NEIN NEIN!, relationships are mutual! but Its until those moments happen that make the relationship that much stronger :]
I think im the only guy in the entire world that would ever deal with such bad communication for 2 months+...and still be interested. my gay friend said "shes like a mustang and your like a viper. both are very good cars but for the mustang to get from 0-60 it takes alot more time compared to a viper. You like to just right off the bat BANG! really fast and hit every checkpoint but shes showing you in her own special way shes special." Lol fair enough arguement...well said. but seriously?! communication IS the starting line. haha its fine if youre busy and text slow but like..show me youre there. The reason why i was so insanely infatuated with you for that short period of time was because you WROTE on your tumblr. i dont need to look at pictures and take everything with a grain of salt. that was you telling people what you did that day. that fuckin turned me on. LOL because complimented with your general sense of humor i felt like i got to know you a bit better.
Anywho im not going to toot a horn if it doesnt work so Academics! Im so fucked for this final XDD i feel like i dont understand sheeeet fml haha but i must get an indisputable A this semester i only have two classes grrrr fml holy shit! its almost 6 i gotta studddyy >.<
edit::
Hey right when i submitted my favorite song from the strokes started playing haha i quoted this song for the past 4 years..i pretty much live by it due to all the shitty almost-relationships ive been in, mostly because i cant get on the level where i can open my life up to someone that i like. Thats like...anything before the age of like..18-19 lol. which was 2 years ago. lolol i was fine after like..the year of 07 but it took another 2 years to create a new self because well...i wasnt really anyone for 6 years...which is why i have the old blog and new blog..haha which is why i want to get a tattoo of R0SE5. Yes, im fucking proud to be who i am today haha.
The strokes- Someday
In many ways they'll miss the good old days
Someday
Someday
It hurts to say but I want you to stay
Sometimes
Sometimes
When we was young, oh man did we have fun
Always
Always
Promises they break before they're made
Sometimes
Sometimes
My ex says i'm lacking in depth
I will do my best
You say you want to stay by my side
Darling your head's not right
I see alone we stand, together we fall apart
Yeah I think i'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes
Oh someday...
No, I ain't wasting no more time
Trying, trying...
And now my fears, they come to me in threes
So I
Sometimes
Say fate, my friend, you say the strangest things
I find
Sometimes
Oh my ex says i'm lacking in depth
Say I will try my best
You say you wanna stand by my side
Darling your head's not right
You see alone we stand, together we fall apart
Yeah I think i'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes
Oh someday...
I ain't wasting no more time
I was bothered all day though by theresas single post. Not to be overdramatic but it honestly pissed me off. I felt like the bad guy after reading the post. It said something like..the day he texts you, youre going to realize you dont like him anymore. all those days you dressed up for him and tried to impress him didnt matter and instead of missing him youre going to remember that you hate him for hurting you so much. something along those lines. I honestly dont want to read it to take it word for word cause i read it and felt...disgusted. I dont give two shits about looks and what you wear any of that physical stuff. Thats why ive been trying to advocate COMMUNICATION this entire like...3 months. ive met many people in my life and trust me when i say i see a beautiful person that refuses to show and actually pushes people away for god knows what reason. You speak of being hurt as well...sure maybe that isnt a post you created so i always have to take tumblr post with a grain of salt but if you do feel hurt...that part..is what really bothered me. I feel as if ive been hurt 10x more than you because ive been the one to break all the awkward silences, create the conversation that goes through the day and push for something more everytime. Yes, i expect a female, if she likes a male, to do the same because then you if you dont do any of that then you reallly have no reason to complain. There is a difference between playing hard to get and plain out not putting in the part. Ive been in several relationships where the girl can play hard to get and still continue to show that at least shes there and interested. im sorry im flustered and its 5am..im getting to that point where im stressed and tired of studying and i dont want to hold it in anymore...thats what my blog is for. im not mad at you. im mad at the situation and how ridiculous it is. Im flustered because even though i feel as if youve done less than minimal in this relationship you still have the power to hurt me. Thats not your fault its mine. Im mad that when i was talking to my gay friend about you he said that in this time, it is natural for relationships to grow THIS slowly for a second i felt like i seriously did fuck up...and i seriously wanted to call theresa again. Then i looked through my text from right after nov 19th. It was the first text i sent her in about 2 days and from then on sure she initited some good night and good morning text, but there was nothing substantial in the conversations because they were so terribly spotty.
Trust me, its never too early to start to get to know someone. You have roughly 16 years of experiences to talk about thats 365 times 16 days to talk about and if you talk to them more then the even more you have to talk about because you relate back to previous conversations and they help you grow, they become a part of your life literally. I guess thats another reason why im attracted to you, because ive never met someone so bad at communicating XD i mean in any other relationship im absoltely terrible because i simply dont remember anything from like...the ages of 12-18 due to PTSD (self diagnosed) lol. You seem like such a smart girl too because if my gay friend is right and i did fuck up then you surely know how to play the game better than any girl ive ever met. And if anything, more uniquely than any girl ive ever met...using reverse psychology and push and pull tatics like noones business. You definitely have proven, ive guess, to be too good for me.
But im a dude with a ego, and during work ive realized why i refused to hold on even if you were interested. Its because i never want to give a girl the glory of reeling me in. Even if you opened yourself up after ive chased long enough that only means that you have the bigger hand and you decide when your comfortable to open up to me even though ive chased for like..2 months. Thats not just a theory. The relationship, if it did work out...would be completely fucked up. You'd have the impression that you have to lead but you'd probably want me to be the bigger man...but yet we got to know each other by showing that im your bitch? Ive been in relationships like that and well sorry but male superiority, even though its looked down upon its honestly necessary. Thats psychology and sociology for you. But tables can easily turn if you just texted me first this time. Im not going to ever text or call you again for this sole factor now. Because of my masculinity. Its not for me, but its for the relationship if either of us ever wish to see it happen. You probably think oh thats bullsht when youre in a relationship a relationship is a relationship but no...how you get to know the person and how you played the game will affect the relationship for as long as it last. Think of it like this...If we ever got married what would you tell friends? oh yeah we got to know eachother because i rejected this guy 4 times i actually had to ignored his text every so often because he was trying so hard but he kept fucking texting me everytime and sticking around so i finally decided he was worth a shot so yeahh....oh and he actually didnt even know if i was attracted to him the entire time but he was so determined to get me...LOL wtf is that? I think twilight has a better love story than that. haha sounds like im a creep and i like..raped you. LOL If you honestly didnt like me until after the fourth time you rejected me...thats still fine. We'd be the couple people laugh at in those shows like how i met your mother, where the girl got comfortable being at her worse, bitching at everyone and everything and the man being the females bitch. haha IF it were to work out. Sorry, cant let you get too comfortable tossing me around. Thats why i dont believe in the quote "if he/ she cant handle my worst, she/he surely doesnt deserve my best" NEIN NEIN NEIN!, relationships are mutual! but Its until those moments happen that make the relationship that much stronger :]
I think im the only guy in the entire world that would ever deal with such bad communication for 2 months+...and still be interested. my gay friend said "shes like a mustang and your like a viper. both are very good cars but for the mustang to get from 0-60 it takes alot more time compared to a viper. You like to just right off the bat BANG! really fast and hit every checkpoint but shes showing you in her own special way shes special." Lol fair enough arguement...well said. but seriously?! communication IS the starting line. haha its fine if youre busy and text slow but like..show me youre there. The reason why i was so insanely infatuated with you for that short period of time was because you WROTE on your tumblr. i dont need to look at pictures and take everything with a grain of salt. that was you telling people what you did that day. that fuckin turned me on. LOL because complimented with your general sense of humor i felt like i got to know you a bit better.
Anywho im not going to toot a horn if it doesnt work so Academics! Im so fucked for this final XDD i feel like i dont understand sheeeet fml haha but i must get an indisputable A this semester i only have two classes grrrr fml holy shit! its almost 6 i gotta studddyy >.<
edit::
Hey right when i submitted my favorite song from the strokes started playing haha i quoted this song for the past 4 years..i pretty much live by it due to all the shitty almost-relationships ive been in, mostly because i cant get on the level where i can open my life up to someone that i like. Thats like...anything before the age of like..18-19 lol. which was 2 years ago. lolol i was fine after like..the year of 07 but it took another 2 years to create a new self because well...i wasnt really anyone for 6 years...which is why i have the old blog and new blog..haha which is why i want to get a tattoo of R0SE5. Yes, im fucking proud to be who i am today haha.
The strokes- Someday
In many ways they'll miss the good old days
Someday
Someday
It hurts to say but I want you to stay
Sometimes
Sometimes
When we was young, oh man did we have fun
Always
Always
Promises they break before they're made
Sometimes
Sometimes
My ex says i'm lacking in depth
I will do my best
You say you want to stay by my side
Darling your head's not right
I see alone we stand, together we fall apart
Yeah I think i'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes
Oh someday...
No, I ain't wasting no more time
Trying, trying...
And now my fears, they come to me in threes
So I
Sometimes
Say fate, my friend, you say the strangest things
I find
Sometimes
Oh my ex says i'm lacking in depth
Say I will try my best
You say you wanna stand by my side
Darling your head's not right
You see alone we stand, together we fall apart
Yeah I think i'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes
Oh someday...
I ain't wasting no more time
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Whoever owns the most weed wins!
So today and yesterday was chill..i got pretty fuckin hammered last night...i guess its cause i just let go of my ego and just let the liquor hit me. It was fun while i was with all my friends i was longboarding drunk as fuck managed to ride it but still fell on my ass several times laying there letting the stars circle around my head for two seconds lol. I was a fuckin hot mess haha but for the most part, aside from motor skills and a random stagger or sway in my footsteps i was pretty fine haha. The night ended after i smoked wiht jonas jason jay and nora. It was really chill. Me and jay and jonas got into a business discussion until 4am and found it absolutely brilliant how Whoever owns the most weed wins! haha We got into this topic talking about gold and how it is the most priceless currency and he who holds the most gold, no matter how bad the economy goes, wins. Because there is nothing to back up the manmade dollar and once what we know as black gold, or oil, runs out then the entire world is absolutely fucked. It was a serious mindblow talking to jay, a very well educated businessman. We got really deep into economics and he proved that no matter what, united states is FUCKED. We owe 16 TRILLIONNN dollars. He did well to illustrate how much 16 trillion is, even to the government. Its impossible to rebuild this nation without it completely collapsing first. This drove me and jonas into a shock and awe high state and like...were fucked! haha so what im going to do when i hit 25 is buy a fucking passport, and get ready to leave united states cause its going to go into complete and utter shit in the next half century. But to brighten matters up we thought...holy shit the first currency to be worth something after the dollar is weed. Like gold, it is naturally grown unlike any other drug, cures cancer and makes people happy. It cannot be synthesized and as of now, to buy an ounce it cost fucking like...120 bucks. lol. HE WHO HOLDS THE MOST WEED WINS lol. I mean it makes some sense from a non business-major perspective and we just went with it the entire night hahaha. Even after the world goes to shit...cause if united states collapses due to lack of oil, most likely the entire world will start to fall. People would want to get high. hahaha But i need to start seriously saving gold...i didnt realize how important it is to own gold. it is absolutely a MUST in order to have any fighting chance of futhering your family line for the next century. because after the american dollar goes to shit gold is gold and there is only so much of it in the world. Its the 5th most valued currency in the world currently, underneath the us dollar, something...something..and oil. all of which has nothing to back it up. Seriously, EVERYTHING runs on oil, its ridiculous. and china is going to rule the world. lol
Last night, id say, was a veryy memorable high and im glad i was able to smoke then hang out with jay. Honestly there are so many people in our group that i havent actually hung out with many of them individually to see beyond the character they bring to the group as a whole. Jay, i can tell and i always knew, was a very cool well educated and trustworthy guy. Business men like him and kayrun which were id consider very close acquaintances to me are always great to have in a group as big as ours. I refer to them always as mr jay. and mr. kayrun with a business firm handshake, usually complimented with a toast and then beers, shots, weed and parties. haha
Another thing me jonas and jay talked about was standards. Jay brought up the topic of woman and i quote, "Intelligent females are such a rare commodity in this world, you dont understand." and i think i do. I kinda want to talk to emily and tell her im genuinely sorry even though she probably hates my guts. but i literally, next time i see her im going to tell her that i mean not to intrude in your life once more but im sorry, and thank you for being smart. I honestly didnt know what i had and i lost it and you do always will deserve so much better. she was so smart. Im simply giving compliments where theyre due haha. I need to higher my standards again. When i said to jay and jonas, "Its college im honestly just looking to fuck and chill and have fun and hey if i meet that girl then sure." They both reply in disgust and say, "No, always class i always keep my standards so high, people say it is impossible but i want a girl smarter than ME" That is semi ego but its so true, that used to be my viewpoint...which is why i saw interest in emily in the first place but i was so caught up on the emotion that was lacking and MY lacking that over time ive been subconciously and habitually lowering my standards. Never ever again will i look for a fuck buddy and even if. EVEN IF. it will be a very smart, down to earth girl that knows whats shes doing. This is another reason why i enjoyed getting high with these men, they said it before but it wasnt until i was high that i questioned myself and got a reality check.
Sure, i might be a bit desperate and creepy and my game is off which is why i had to lower my standards but hey! There are girls out there for me. That are smart and mature but just as weird and sexually active as i. Take for example the many girls like lauren, jchao and...uhh..thats all i know lol. But they are WORLDS apart from one another, sure they would make great friends but they are so different and yet, they both are perfectly adequate females. Unfortunately lauren and i are best friends and i promised kevin and my other highschool friends that i wouldnt flirt with jchao. oops. but ive kept my promise! i put her in friendzone because she is SUCH a bro. ahha Monica might seem silly but she has a strong mind, i know this because of all that she hides after all these years. Especially during the time when her father and grandmother died within the same month. Both being immediate family members. I pride myself in not being emotional but i definitely showed that i reflected upon my life once my distant uncle passed away. She has strength and i see it. She has a sense of humor, smart and though she may be immature she would make a wonderful wife in the years to come. Unfortunately i knew her as long as ive known lauren and shes been taken for the past 6 years so i cant see her that way but hell..im being realistic.
Which brings me to theresa. Im sorry, but your time is up I like mature and determined woman. a girl that knows what she wants and takes it by the horns. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself and my limits but well..honestly i cant see you any more than a friend and a fellow coworker anymore. I hope you honestly werent coming onto me cause id feel really bad and if you come back and give in your 50% again i might just take you back to be honest LOL im at a very vunerable state right now so yeah >.> that whole rant about high standards might just be postponed until a week or two. But yeah im not looking for a whole fuckin life story...just communicate let me know what its like to walk in your shoes. I was hanging out with monica today and thought she was attractive...Thats how crazy its gotten. haha. Thats really bad. Im like desperate right now but i dont show it. haha. im in such a ready state to be in a relationship that i would fucking buy a dog...just to buy it food and hug it all day and spoil the shitt out of it to get that love in return. haha I would fucking date a midget just to take her out on fancy dates...like seriously..wtf. haha no offense to midgets, there are probably beautiful people that are midgets..they just arent my type. >.> lol Matter of fact, they are probably smarter than 50% of the girls i know of because of the fact that they have to cope with the extra effort that come with the lifestyle of being a midget. Actually...pause...if theresa seriously started putting in her 50% i dont think id even like her...its so obvious shes being ridiculous, If anything id probably be more pissed off than anything. Unless she somehow pours her heart out to me and shows she meant no harm which is possible. I mean she honestly just wanted to be friends, perfectly fine. Just fuckin dont throw mix signals at someone that CLEARLY likes you. Then again she never really did throw me mix signals besides in person so idk that count be just her being friendly and mature.. haha anywho...time to focus on gym and school!:) lol i already stopped talking to all the people i supposeably rekindled with but hey that just means they are all mature enough that i can just hit them up and have a good conversation in the future :]
Also, Idk i have a meditation instructor now. Hes in college and has apparently been studyng chi for 13 years now...i find it kinda bullshit because he and i dont exactly sync and well one thing you should know about meditation is that its so fascinating because everyone that does it comes to the same conclusion for everything! There is literally one morally philosophically correct answer to everything so i find it interesting that he isnt on the same wavelength. I remember naturally attracting people much older and my age that mediated when i did it harcore in 9th grade and though we all have different timing, it was always the same epiphanies. You do not unterstand how close to impossible it was for the earth to be even habitable, Nevermind the possibilty of that along with the possibilty of society to end up this way. Since the percentage rate of sucess for this outcome is so ridiculous low one will only come to realize there is only 1 answer to everything, even if the answer is to just simply accept it for what it is.
Welp, moral of the story: hoard weed for the zombie apocolyse because after oil runs out and the country's economy collapses people would get weak and sickness will spread and a plague will form and zombies will be born and in times like those...just get high or leave the country lolol and sell the fuckin weed hahaha.
Another moral is Aim for the stars! I am worth so much more than i know.
Last night, id say, was a veryy memorable high and im glad i was able to smoke then hang out with jay. Honestly there are so many people in our group that i havent actually hung out with many of them individually to see beyond the character they bring to the group as a whole. Jay, i can tell and i always knew, was a very cool well educated and trustworthy guy. Business men like him and kayrun which were id consider very close acquaintances to me are always great to have in a group as big as ours. I refer to them always as mr jay. and mr. kayrun with a business firm handshake, usually complimented with a toast and then beers, shots, weed and parties. haha
Another thing me jonas and jay talked about was standards. Jay brought up the topic of woman and i quote, "Intelligent females are such a rare commodity in this world, you dont understand." and i think i do. I kinda want to talk to emily and tell her im genuinely sorry even though she probably hates my guts. but i literally, next time i see her im going to tell her that i mean not to intrude in your life once more but im sorry, and thank you for being smart. I honestly didnt know what i had and i lost it and you do always will deserve so much better. she was so smart. Im simply giving compliments where theyre due haha. I need to higher my standards again. When i said to jay and jonas, "Its college im honestly just looking to fuck and chill and have fun and hey if i meet that girl then sure." They both reply in disgust and say, "No, always class i always keep my standards so high, people say it is impossible but i want a girl smarter than ME" That is semi ego but its so true, that used to be my viewpoint...which is why i saw interest in emily in the first place but i was so caught up on the emotion that was lacking and MY lacking that over time ive been subconciously and habitually lowering my standards. Never ever again will i look for a fuck buddy and even if. EVEN IF. it will be a very smart, down to earth girl that knows whats shes doing. This is another reason why i enjoyed getting high with these men, they said it before but it wasnt until i was high that i questioned myself and got a reality check.
Sure, i might be a bit desperate and creepy and my game is off which is why i had to lower my standards but hey! There are girls out there for me. That are smart and mature but just as weird and sexually active as i. Take for example the many girls like lauren, jchao and...uhh..thats all i know lol. But they are WORLDS apart from one another, sure they would make great friends but they are so different and yet, they both are perfectly adequate females. Unfortunately lauren and i are best friends and i promised kevin and my other highschool friends that i wouldnt flirt with jchao. oops. but ive kept my promise! i put her in friendzone because she is SUCH a bro. ahha Monica might seem silly but she has a strong mind, i know this because of all that she hides after all these years. Especially during the time when her father and grandmother died within the same month. Both being immediate family members. I pride myself in not being emotional but i definitely showed that i reflected upon my life once my distant uncle passed away. She has strength and i see it. She has a sense of humor, smart and though she may be immature she would make a wonderful wife in the years to come. Unfortunately i knew her as long as ive known lauren and shes been taken for the past 6 years so i cant see her that way but hell..im being realistic.
Which brings me to theresa. Im sorry, but your time is up I like mature and determined woman. a girl that knows what she wants and takes it by the horns. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself and my limits but well..honestly i cant see you any more than a friend and a fellow coworker anymore. I hope you honestly werent coming onto me cause id feel really bad and if you come back and give in your 50% again i might just take you back to be honest LOL im at a very vunerable state right now so yeah >.> that whole rant about high standards might just be postponed until a week or two. But yeah im not looking for a whole fuckin life story...just communicate let me know what its like to walk in your shoes. I was hanging out with monica today and thought she was attractive...Thats how crazy its gotten. haha. Thats really bad. Im like desperate right now but i dont show it. haha. im in such a ready state to be in a relationship that i would fucking buy a dog...just to buy it food and hug it all day and spoil the shitt out of it to get that love in return. haha I would fucking date a midget just to take her out on fancy dates...like seriously..wtf. haha no offense to midgets, there are probably beautiful people that are midgets..they just arent my type. >.> lol Matter of fact, they are probably smarter than 50% of the girls i know of because of the fact that they have to cope with the extra effort that come with the lifestyle of being a midget. Actually...pause...if theresa seriously started putting in her 50% i dont think id even like her...its so obvious shes being ridiculous, If anything id probably be more pissed off than anything. Unless she somehow pours her heart out to me and shows she meant no harm which is possible. I mean she honestly just wanted to be friends, perfectly fine. Just fuckin dont throw mix signals at someone that CLEARLY likes you. Then again she never really did throw me mix signals besides in person so idk that count be just her being friendly and mature.. haha anywho...time to focus on gym and school!:) lol i already stopped talking to all the people i supposeably rekindled with but hey that just means they are all mature enough that i can just hit them up and have a good conversation in the future :]
Also, Idk i have a meditation instructor now. Hes in college and has apparently been studyng chi for 13 years now...i find it kinda bullshit because he and i dont exactly sync and well one thing you should know about meditation is that its so fascinating because everyone that does it comes to the same conclusion for everything! There is literally one morally philosophically correct answer to everything so i find it interesting that he isnt on the same wavelength. I remember naturally attracting people much older and my age that mediated when i did it harcore in 9th grade and though we all have different timing, it was always the same epiphanies. You do not unterstand how close to impossible it was for the earth to be even habitable, Nevermind the possibilty of that along with the possibilty of society to end up this way. Since the percentage rate of sucess for this outcome is so ridiculous low one will only come to realize there is only 1 answer to everything, even if the answer is to just simply accept it for what it is.
Welp, moral of the story: hoard weed for the zombie apocolyse because after oil runs out and the country's economy collapses people would get weak and sickness will spread and a plague will form and zombies will be born and in times like those...just get high or leave the country lolol and sell the fuckin weed hahaha.
Another moral is Aim for the stars! I am worth so much more than i know.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
When the Stars Align
I need to blog this dream i had lastnight because i dont believe its true. I tried meditation again. It didnt work..and usually when i try and fail it leaves me in the bitter part of my mind and i suffer a night of the most graphic nightmares like the inception dream i had a long time ago...id never forget that dream *shivers*. but i was listening to the killers until i fell asleep and i guess thats not something i usually do while trying this? well everything was different this time. I dont have a single rop of anger in me anymore so theres nothing to fuel the nightmares if i failed. This is the first time i tried it with just a moderate amount of stress and idk my mindset was just different. When i used to meditate i honestly didnt know where my center was but i knew the source was somewhere in my torso. I guess thats why i capped because with so much experience and no actual central point of control it worked like a shotgun, virtually firing off in all directions but there was so much energy that i could bring what i needed to where i needed. *shrugs* Its only a theory. Now whenever i practice i focus gently on a point a little below my belly button and that point travels through my body to the back. Thats the actual center. I didnt know that when i was little. lol.
Anywho blah blah blah so i was listening to "my list" and "goodnight travel well". after i got confortable i put goodnight travel well on loop and fell asleep to that. Before i slept i really emphasized on feeling weight on my body and really getting comfortable because i remember back then when i meditated it felt like gravity was a bit higher and every point on my body was a bit heavier. This allows stability and one less variable to worry about so my body wouldnt move once i went under. I remember i told my sister to push me when i was meitating once when i was 14 and she was young too but she felt as if i was pushing against her naturally so unless she put her body into it i wasnt moving anytime XD its a calm tense. So since i remembered that i combined that with my focus and the music and i felt the heat go into my hands and i began to feel my pulse at my fingertips as i dozed. There was a pinch within my palms as if i was clasping my hands together on a needle and it bothered me but then it dulled and it allowed me to maintain focus, doze but stay awake.
When i fell asleep i was in my house. the house i live in right now. i was in my bed as if i woke up suddenly to go to the bathroom. So i got up realized i couldnt feel my legs. I looked back and saw myself laying tere with my laptop light still on and my hands loosened and i was like...holy shit this is deep haha. Im fimilar with meditation even though i lost my center so i just sat there for a while...tried not to get too excited cause i would risk snapping out of it and just tried to stablize. when i was ready..I stretched, naturally because i was expecting knots since i was sore from the gym the day before. i still felt the soreness. Intrigued, I decided to grab onto the desk next to my body and pull myself up and i landed on something heavy like a surface. Like a flat surface idk...i guess thats how it feels like to float cause then i glided to the bathroom. I purposely dodged the mirror because i wanted to see how far this dream would go and i went to take a piss but nothing happened so i went to the living room. OH i also tried to open my sisters door but i couldnt push it open haha. I was exploring! it was so much fun. I remember getting really tired after that and sitting in the living room. I went into further meditation there and thats the parts i dont remember but i looked at the clock because i heard footsteps didnt actually see what time it was. the sun was still set but my parents were coming home from work even though they left at 3. Usually takes 6 hours at work. Since i went into deeper meditation i assumed that many hours has past by now and i forgot it was still a dream since i was controlling it so well So i rushed back in my room. I saw my body still there as it was and instinctively, as i usually do right when my parents are coming home, i jump into the bed. I heard the fimilar springyness of my bed when i jumped in then my parents saying "thomas youre still awake again?!" and due to the excitement i woke up. My parents just got home and i wasnt laying on my back anymore. i was laying on my left side. My parents pops theyre head in and sees me still awake but im really dazed, still remembering the entire dream. Idk what my parents say but i fall right back to sleep. Unfortunately i was more caught up on the dream and didnt see what time it was or didnt mind to look out the window. FAWK haha. I wanted to see if that was actually real but that was a crazy dream.
Some may say i actually managed to do that stuff...or i could have just stayed at a very light sleep, awoken naturally by the coming home of my parents. Humm... i dont think ill be able to do it again because id be too anticipated. Thats the thing i really need to get over...Numbing my emotions prior to the session so that i dont get excited or focus too much on any one physical variable. Like im surprised i was able to go under this time due to that pinch in my palms. usually id have too much add and focus too much on it..virtually failing and suffering the night. lol. Of course i was so exhausted the next morning that i woke up 3 hours late for work. LOL My body refused to move and i felt like i just pulled 2 all nighters in a row. At work for the whole day i was curious as to what i thought about sitting in the living room..Im so glad this session...wasnt sucessful but it was something brand new. 8+ years of experience and that never happened before haha.
The familiar curiosity and undying thirst for answers is back again. haha i love meditating but id screw up everything ive built thusfar. Anyone that says they can meditate and are in college are bullshiting you. lol it drains so much mental and physical energy that it has to be practiced as a career. I wish i was born a monk. I mean think about it, understanding yourself not only teaches you about yourself but the entire world. You wanna learn about that on the side while focusing on studying? impossible. People studying one topic such as business or law or engineering or what have you already takes at least a decade of commitment and undivided attention, especially when your in the field let alone spending well..depending on how good at meditating you are 1 hour in real life for me that was life...ehh..i dont remember but id say 1-3 hours in meditation haha that was at my prime. but still! learning so much id have to go into meditation for hours real life just to shuffle through all of it haha. Its exhausting mentally and physically and its time consuming..Id have no life
Trying to convince myself not to do it again for a while...lol. Watch me try again this christmas :D But then again this could all be coincidence..i mean honestly..i dont remember the last time i sucessfully meditated from beginning to end for hours on end. Imagine being able to have that dream on command. That would be so sick!! haha i might be able to go outside and explore as well but id have to really concentrate so i dont react to reactions if there are any. lol
OH VERY CREEPY! i did feel presences around me. I felt them coming closer as i sat in the livingroom...which is why im not going home tonight LOL so it was kinda a nightmare. I think i attracted spirits to my house to be honest ^_^'' haha its like insidious. o.o. *shivers* i have this REALLY creepy storage room and everytime i go into it and come back into the inhabited part of the house and lock the door. Im half expecting a ghost to be behind me and say "thanks for letting me in *cracks neck*" *shiverS* my dreams, over the years...due to meditation have left me with a very vivid imagination haha. But ive grown to welcome ghost. Theres alot worse to be afraid of inside your own head.
Edit::
I also think i understand theresa now...in my head haha. maybe shes not a player and shes just like me...looking for the right person and not putting her gaurd down the slightest bit until the very end to be sure its true. I sometimes forget guys can be assholes too cause honestly, Ive always only heard of girls hurting nice guys...thats because i surround myself with genuine people. haha. I saw her smile before i left work today and saw a genuine smile...something either a serious mindfucker can pull off or just a honest person does when they want to be truely sincere to another. im optimistic and have my whole life to build this relationship...but if she is genuine and shes going to use the same moves as i am...the question for me now is...how far am i willing to go? My response and this is when im strictly realist. Love is a lifetime and if youre going to wait until love then im out haha cause im not trying to be tied for life. haha I love lauren unconditionally because I trust HER...there was an equal and opposite communication there. thats the difference between her and any other girl that has ever entered my life. First, lets get over this trust thing before we go any further because i dont know anything about you besides the smiles and body language readings. Then again, through meditation ive learned how to lie from beginning to end, sending all the right signals showing all the right traits just to fit that person. Thats a real player. Do i/can i? no cause im too fucking unstable due to the amount of girls i had to go through to learn this XD, Girls these days got it all wrong. they think prince charming rides up to the castle and picks the girl off her feet and she dont have to do shit besides look pretty smile and maybe make some sandwiches. Real life is me on my decked out horse so that i see who looks my way then i go up to that castle and raise my sheild and go. HEY! who goes there?! oh damn you beautiful..come down here so i can holla. If the princess doesnt wanna get on my level so i can put my gaurd down? alright you keep your vagina on a pedistal and find that king then. PEACE haha i think whats happening now is the princess is looking like humm i like his horse...maybe he has something worthwhile but im comfy here. i got all my dresses to show off to all the guys that pass by...got my high ass castle to see over all the foolish dudes..yada yada yada. so im sitting outside like you suree you dont wanna come down? I shoot some fireworks to keep her entertained keep her laughing show her im worth it and shes like ohh now im liking the view even better from here cause hes pretty much going to keep doing that..im flattered. which then makes me down below think this beech is trying to play me like a fool. Lol Tell me when i go too far with this metaphor. So im going to sit here. Maybe attempt to set up a coupe days here and there to hang out so i can see you eye to eye and thats my final play OKAY?! 6 chins. thats as highhh as it goes. lol im heated. Regardless, id like you to ask me out. hell. If a girl ever asked me out. That is a damn keeper. lol the only girls that ask me to hang out with them now are lily billy..kim..and monica. One i swear is lesbian and the other two are fuckin taken...for the past 6 years ive known them lol. and lauren but i like asking lauren out cause i imagine her smile when she says yes :] lol. But at least she says yes and follows through everytime! goddamn. haha. so be prepared to say yes to hanging out more often or im out haha. Sure ill fall back after one or two hangouts but i just want to know youre commited enough to spend your time and be vunerable to me.
Like my sister said(the biggest slut in the world and yet gives the best advice): "I never even text my bf on a daily basis...i give it at least 5 hours because i need the chase and im busy throughout the day to constantly text! constantly texting means that your too free and you dont want to come off as someone that has nothing to do with your life. As for hanging out, i DEFINITELY dont hang out one on one with someone unless they are one of my closest friends...and even then! i dont hang out one on one...i bring all my best friends together and hang out at once. Hanging out one on one takes time and energy out of MY life for that ONE person and if im not interested in you why the hell would i do that? waste of precious time." So i said "Dont you want to get to know him if youre dating?" she replies, "Yeah a date sure, but we fuck at the end right? i mean honestly i need to know if hes good in bed to be his girl..thats the bottomline. Other than that, why would i want to get to know a guy if me and him are just fuck buddies??" LOL true story. its so skanky..and so unethical...yet its so ethical. Its uncanny. Well back to studying haha
Anywho blah blah blah so i was listening to "my list" and "goodnight travel well". after i got confortable i put goodnight travel well on loop and fell asleep to that. Before i slept i really emphasized on feeling weight on my body and really getting comfortable because i remember back then when i meditated it felt like gravity was a bit higher and every point on my body was a bit heavier. This allows stability and one less variable to worry about so my body wouldnt move once i went under. I remember i told my sister to push me when i was meitating once when i was 14 and she was young too but she felt as if i was pushing against her naturally so unless she put her body into it i wasnt moving anytime XD its a calm tense. So since i remembered that i combined that with my focus and the music and i felt the heat go into my hands and i began to feel my pulse at my fingertips as i dozed. There was a pinch within my palms as if i was clasping my hands together on a needle and it bothered me but then it dulled and it allowed me to maintain focus, doze but stay awake.
When i fell asleep i was in my house. the house i live in right now. i was in my bed as if i woke up suddenly to go to the bathroom. So i got up realized i couldnt feel my legs. I looked back and saw myself laying tere with my laptop light still on and my hands loosened and i was like...holy shit this is deep haha. Im fimilar with meditation even though i lost my center so i just sat there for a while...tried not to get too excited cause i would risk snapping out of it and just tried to stablize. when i was ready..I stretched, naturally because i was expecting knots since i was sore from the gym the day before. i still felt the soreness. Intrigued, I decided to grab onto the desk next to my body and pull myself up and i landed on something heavy like a surface. Like a flat surface idk...i guess thats how it feels like to float cause then i glided to the bathroom. I purposely dodged the mirror because i wanted to see how far this dream would go and i went to take a piss but nothing happened so i went to the living room. OH i also tried to open my sisters door but i couldnt push it open haha. I was exploring! it was so much fun. I remember getting really tired after that and sitting in the living room. I went into further meditation there and thats the parts i dont remember but i looked at the clock because i heard footsteps didnt actually see what time it was. the sun was still set but my parents were coming home from work even though they left at 3. Usually takes 6 hours at work. Since i went into deeper meditation i assumed that many hours has past by now and i forgot it was still a dream since i was controlling it so well So i rushed back in my room. I saw my body still there as it was and instinctively, as i usually do right when my parents are coming home, i jump into the bed. I heard the fimilar springyness of my bed when i jumped in then my parents saying "thomas youre still awake again?!" and due to the excitement i woke up. My parents just got home and i wasnt laying on my back anymore. i was laying on my left side. My parents pops theyre head in and sees me still awake but im really dazed, still remembering the entire dream. Idk what my parents say but i fall right back to sleep. Unfortunately i was more caught up on the dream and didnt see what time it was or didnt mind to look out the window. FAWK haha. I wanted to see if that was actually real but that was a crazy dream.
Some may say i actually managed to do that stuff...or i could have just stayed at a very light sleep, awoken naturally by the coming home of my parents. Humm... i dont think ill be able to do it again because id be too anticipated. Thats the thing i really need to get over...Numbing my emotions prior to the session so that i dont get excited or focus too much on any one physical variable. Like im surprised i was able to go under this time due to that pinch in my palms. usually id have too much add and focus too much on it..virtually failing and suffering the night. lol. Of course i was so exhausted the next morning that i woke up 3 hours late for work. LOL My body refused to move and i felt like i just pulled 2 all nighters in a row. At work for the whole day i was curious as to what i thought about sitting in the living room..Im so glad this session...wasnt sucessful but it was something brand new. 8+ years of experience and that never happened before haha.
The familiar curiosity and undying thirst for answers is back again. haha i love meditating but id screw up everything ive built thusfar. Anyone that says they can meditate and are in college are bullshiting you. lol it drains so much mental and physical energy that it has to be practiced as a career. I wish i was born a monk. I mean think about it, understanding yourself not only teaches you about yourself but the entire world. You wanna learn about that on the side while focusing on studying? impossible. People studying one topic such as business or law or engineering or what have you already takes at least a decade of commitment and undivided attention, especially when your in the field let alone spending well..depending on how good at meditating you are 1 hour in real life for me that was life...ehh..i dont remember but id say 1-3 hours in meditation haha that was at my prime. but still! learning so much id have to go into meditation for hours real life just to shuffle through all of it haha. Its exhausting mentally and physically and its time consuming..Id have no life
Trying to convince myself not to do it again for a while...lol. Watch me try again this christmas :D But then again this could all be coincidence..i mean honestly..i dont remember the last time i sucessfully meditated from beginning to end for hours on end. Imagine being able to have that dream on command. That would be so sick!! haha i might be able to go outside and explore as well but id have to really concentrate so i dont react to reactions if there are any. lol
OH VERY CREEPY! i did feel presences around me. I felt them coming closer as i sat in the livingroom...which is why im not going home tonight LOL so it was kinda a nightmare. I think i attracted spirits to my house to be honest ^_^'' haha its like insidious. o.o. *shivers* i have this REALLY creepy storage room and everytime i go into it and come back into the inhabited part of the house and lock the door. Im half expecting a ghost to be behind me and say "thanks for letting me in *cracks neck*" *shiverS* my dreams, over the years...due to meditation have left me with a very vivid imagination haha. But ive grown to welcome ghost. Theres alot worse to be afraid of inside your own head.
Edit::
I also think i understand theresa now...in my head haha. maybe shes not a player and shes just like me...looking for the right person and not putting her gaurd down the slightest bit until the very end to be sure its true. I sometimes forget guys can be assholes too cause honestly, Ive always only heard of girls hurting nice guys...thats because i surround myself with genuine people. haha. I saw her smile before i left work today and saw a genuine smile...something either a serious mindfucker can pull off or just a honest person does when they want to be truely sincere to another. im optimistic and have my whole life to build this relationship...but if she is genuine and shes going to use the same moves as i am...the question for me now is...how far am i willing to go? My response and this is when im strictly realist. Love is a lifetime and if youre going to wait until love then im out haha cause im not trying to be tied for life. haha I love lauren unconditionally because I trust HER...there was an equal and opposite communication there. thats the difference between her and any other girl that has ever entered my life. First, lets get over this trust thing before we go any further because i dont know anything about you besides the smiles and body language readings. Then again, through meditation ive learned how to lie from beginning to end, sending all the right signals showing all the right traits just to fit that person. Thats a real player. Do i/can i? no cause im too fucking unstable due to the amount of girls i had to go through to learn this XD, Girls these days got it all wrong. they think prince charming rides up to the castle and picks the girl off her feet and she dont have to do shit besides look pretty smile and maybe make some sandwiches. Real life is me on my decked out horse so that i see who looks my way then i go up to that castle and raise my sheild and go. HEY! who goes there?! oh damn you beautiful..come down here so i can holla. If the princess doesnt wanna get on my level so i can put my gaurd down? alright you keep your vagina on a pedistal and find that king then. PEACE haha i think whats happening now is the princess is looking like humm i like his horse...maybe he has something worthwhile but im comfy here. i got all my dresses to show off to all the guys that pass by...got my high ass castle to see over all the foolish dudes..yada yada yada. so im sitting outside like you suree you dont wanna come down? I shoot some fireworks to keep her entertained keep her laughing show her im worth it and shes like ohh now im liking the view even better from here cause hes pretty much going to keep doing that..im flattered. which then makes me down below think this beech is trying to play me like a fool. Lol Tell me when i go too far with this metaphor. So im going to sit here. Maybe attempt to set up a coupe days here and there to hang out so i can see you eye to eye and thats my final play OKAY?! 6 chins. thats as highhh as it goes. lol im heated. Regardless, id like you to ask me out. hell. If a girl ever asked me out. That is a damn keeper. lol the only girls that ask me to hang out with them now are lily billy..kim..and monica. One i swear is lesbian and the other two are fuckin taken...for the past 6 years ive known them lol. and lauren but i like asking lauren out cause i imagine her smile when she says yes :] lol. But at least she says yes and follows through everytime! goddamn. haha. so be prepared to say yes to hanging out more often or im out haha. Sure ill fall back after one or two hangouts but i just want to know youre commited enough to spend your time and be vunerable to me.
Like my sister said(the biggest slut in the world and yet gives the best advice): "I never even text my bf on a daily basis...i give it at least 5 hours because i need the chase and im busy throughout the day to constantly text! constantly texting means that your too free and you dont want to come off as someone that has nothing to do with your life. As for hanging out, i DEFINITELY dont hang out one on one with someone unless they are one of my closest friends...and even then! i dont hang out one on one...i bring all my best friends together and hang out at once. Hanging out one on one takes time and energy out of MY life for that ONE person and if im not interested in you why the hell would i do that? waste of precious time." So i said "Dont you want to get to know him if youre dating?" she replies, "Yeah a date sure, but we fuck at the end right? i mean honestly i need to know if hes good in bed to be his girl..thats the bottomline. Other than that, why would i want to get to know a guy if me and him are just fuck buddies??" LOL true story. its so skanky..and so unethical...yet its so ethical. Its uncanny. Well back to studying haha
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Upper body
I just needed a productive gym day to get my shit in check. haha I feel great but my body feels like rubber haha. I went to the gym today with Kevin. He finally agrees to go to the gym with me because he sees progress and can tell im serious. Im glad i have a trainer right now so im taking notes of his workout plan lol. Upper body. i found out my max today was 100 in benching haha. My god i almost popped a blood vessel 5 reps 5 sets. then we moved to dumbbells and i benched 10 reps then moved to 30s and got to 5 and collapsed i was suppose to do ten reps of dumbbell benches for 25's then 30's then 35's haha that clearly failed so in turn i had to do 40 push ups somewhere inbetween our workouts cause Kevin wasnt satisfied with my performance. After the dumbbell benches we did deadlifts and i was able to lift umm...max for 5 reps was 165?! holy shit. i just did the math. lol Boss :D i only weigh 133 now roughly. probably back to 131 now. The extra 2 pounds was probably the extra muscle mass right after a workout haha. I lost 8 pounds i used to be 142 and deadlift like...154. Now im lighter and pumping more. boss. lol. After deadlifts we moved to the rows and shit. those KILLED. 10 reps 5 sets and idk the weights cause i was dying but i think they were decreasing at the rate of 10 starting at 100. It was a burnout exercise haha. Aside from that i also did 2 sets of 10 reps dumbbell flies with 25s as warm up while kevin was benching. I jumped in after the warm up and started that workout i just mentioned haha. OVerall, i feel great but im going to feel like shit tomorrow...but its going to be great haha.
Cleared my mind completely cause i was only focusing on that next rep haha. I miss the gym.
LONGBOARD IN 4 DAYS!!!! OMFG. so stoked. im dropping all my shit and going longboard the day i get my wheels haha. I wish i had my s8 trucks but im going to do some nasty carving with s10s, unfortunately i wont be as fast as i usually am because of that extra pound with the wider trucks but ehh...bone red bearings should compensate haha. Mean ass gripped orangtang Stims and clear blackdiamond griptape already applied to show off my sexy board. I hope the griptape doesnt get too dirty too fast. haha.
Well aside from that i studied a shitton today. i was NOT satisfied with my actions whatsoever a day ago. I purposely skipped an exam. Absolutely pathetic. I will never ever do that again. Hopefully i can take it next week. Im goingt o study like a bitch this week. and im waiting for the response from my professor. Theresa, thanksgiving, the funeral, and well just other lame excuses honestly. Bottom line was i wasnt ready for the quiz that i shoulda known about. i slipped. bad. FUCK MY LIFE. Sigh* but the gym and studying cleared my head completely.
MAtter of fact my swag is back haha...sorta. I started talking to several past girls again that i just drifted from. Sara, Cheng, karina, Jackie, and lauren (another lauren) haha. We actually just saw each other cause im in the library and its here that we met..over many cigs and an allnighter haha. All of these girls are just ego boost though but i like that when i make my day good for myself, the universe conspires to help me further it. Like i rekindled my friendship with all these girls offically today. Im assuming ill stop talking to lauren and karina and cheng in like...a week. but still! today was definitely an ego boost haha idk I just havent been proven wrong yet, theresa. Youre fucking with my head. I guess im awkward. Id rather just put my feelings out there and see whether or not id get rejected...which did happen. But youre still texting me after i sent that awkard voicemail. so something is CLEARLY here. Why are you making it so difficult...the only reason i can think of is that you have no intentions. Thats a problem. There are way too many fishes in the sea and my heart is honestly too fragile to worry about you for much longer. Im being very patient and trying to find a place where i can just get comfortable waiting and well...i honestly have. But due to this ego boost today, i realize i honestly dont have to. haha. *shrugs*
Its not just girls either. It wasnt until i studied for several hours then went outside for a smoke break that i bumped into kevin which i then asked to gym with me. At first he denied but then realized how ridiculous it was of him to reject the offer because he hasnt been to the gym in a while himself either. haha so it worked out!
I also took my families criticism to heart. i always do, but in my own way. I bitch at them when they are criticizing me but i usually up and do what they ask and of me. If they still bitch at me about it then i tell them to stfu XD so its kinda obvious why i dont have a good relationship with my parents whatsoever. My sisters, eventually notice that i took their criticism to heart and they know i do even though i bitch when they are criticizing me but hey, idk..its the way i work...i like my space but im always open to advice. Open being a very flexible term haha. I signed up for an internship program and did some hardcore internship searching today on neu careers. I need to seriously get my future moving.
Well i need to head home and drink some protein before i suffer more than id actually enjoy tomorrow haha
Cleared my mind completely cause i was only focusing on that next rep haha. I miss the gym.
LONGBOARD IN 4 DAYS!!!! OMFG. so stoked. im dropping all my shit and going longboard the day i get my wheels haha. I wish i had my s8 trucks but im going to do some nasty carving with s10s, unfortunately i wont be as fast as i usually am because of that extra pound with the wider trucks but ehh...bone red bearings should compensate haha. Mean ass gripped orangtang Stims and clear blackdiamond griptape already applied to show off my sexy board. I hope the griptape doesnt get too dirty too fast. haha.
Well aside from that i studied a shitton today. i was NOT satisfied with my actions whatsoever a day ago. I purposely skipped an exam. Absolutely pathetic. I will never ever do that again. Hopefully i can take it next week. Im goingt o study like a bitch this week. and im waiting for the response from my professor. Theresa, thanksgiving, the funeral, and well just other lame excuses honestly. Bottom line was i wasnt ready for the quiz that i shoulda known about. i slipped. bad. FUCK MY LIFE. Sigh* but the gym and studying cleared my head completely.
MAtter of fact my swag is back haha...sorta. I started talking to several past girls again that i just drifted from. Sara, Cheng, karina, Jackie, and lauren (another lauren) haha. We actually just saw each other cause im in the library and its here that we met..over many cigs and an allnighter haha. All of these girls are just ego boost though but i like that when i make my day good for myself, the universe conspires to help me further it. Like i rekindled my friendship with all these girls offically today. Im assuming ill stop talking to lauren and karina and cheng in like...a week. but still! today was definitely an ego boost haha idk I just havent been proven wrong yet, theresa. Youre fucking with my head. I guess im awkward. Id rather just put my feelings out there and see whether or not id get rejected...which did happen. But youre still texting me after i sent that awkard voicemail. so something is CLEARLY here. Why are you making it so difficult...the only reason i can think of is that you have no intentions. Thats a problem. There are way too many fishes in the sea and my heart is honestly too fragile to worry about you for much longer. Im being very patient and trying to find a place where i can just get comfortable waiting and well...i honestly have. But due to this ego boost today, i realize i honestly dont have to. haha. *shrugs*
Its not just girls either. It wasnt until i studied for several hours then went outside for a smoke break that i bumped into kevin which i then asked to gym with me. At first he denied but then realized how ridiculous it was of him to reject the offer because he hasnt been to the gym in a while himself either. haha so it worked out!
I also took my families criticism to heart. i always do, but in my own way. I bitch at them when they are criticizing me but i usually up and do what they ask and of me. If they still bitch at me about it then i tell them to stfu XD so its kinda obvious why i dont have a good relationship with my parents whatsoever. My sisters, eventually notice that i took their criticism to heart and they know i do even though i bitch when they are criticizing me but hey, idk..its the way i work...i like my space but im always open to advice. Open being a very flexible term haha. I signed up for an internship program and did some hardcore internship searching today on neu careers. I need to seriously get my future moving.
Well i need to head home and drink some protein before i suffer more than id actually enjoy tomorrow haha
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Flustered
Just to let you know...this blogpost took an entire day to type..so its very scattered haha (3pm-10pm) Idk. Im flustered. I stayed at home all day. This is the first time in a reallly long time and im not enjoying it whatsoever. Im assuming its just cause everyone is worried for my wellbeing because ive been distancing myself from family alot lately. Idk why...I feel as if they dont understand me and i dont have time to explain it to them.
(midnight)Ive been in bed for the past 24 hours. I feel absolutely pathetic but this is what i do at home because the living room is too loud and the kitchen is well...a kitchen..so all thats left is my room with its shitty wifi. My whole family agrees i should transfer out of mechanical engineering cause they dont know what im doing with my life and theyre afraid im not going to finish if i keep going cause m.e. is so challenging. I hate that my entire family agreed upon that. This arguement and tension has been going on the entire day..blah really cant handle this shit.
Ehh I blame the lack of cigs and me being super unproductive at home for my crankyness. Im actually flustered enough to get flashbacks of my temper problems in high school. haha I was such a bitter kid.
(1am) Which reminds me...winter is coming and 1) i always LOVE testing my body against the weather or 2) Im not sure if i LOVE longboarding even moreso but...i just bought my wheels! haha. My body is much more vulnerable to cold compared to me when i was even in 5th or 6th grade. Idk Sitting at home for a day is a long time for me and i pretty much went nuts and started thinking well...if im going to sit still for the next 5 hours might as well see what i can do with meditation hahhaa. Havent touched that topic in what feels like years. But matter of fact almost instantly i dived in and first i was in a dream..My body pretty much shutdown so it was like okay..guess youre sleeping since youre all comfortable and all..heres a dream for you. and the best part about those dreams are the fact that i can usually control whats going on in them haha but anywho forgot what happened in the dream or what i thought about but I feel alot better now :] The session unfortunately only lasted 30mins.
2am Theresa has really been on my mind lately. if it was anything i remember thinking about its the fact that in reality, i feel as if theresa isnt on my mind at all but damn i honestly think i meditated for only 30 mins because my thoughts were too loud and i snapped out of it haha. Like putting your favorite song on at full volume then sandwiching your head between two speakers haha. So i need to organize this. Why i like her: shes adorable, I feel like she understands me and sees what i see, she has a sense of humor, shes down to party but still seems to have a sense of self discipline and innocence, I can tell theres more than meets the eye.
Why i still havent moved beyond typing about it on my blog and why ive tried to cut her out of my life multiple times now: She seems like a player, I feel like i dont know her at all.., Her intentions are still....TBA, She has this issue with texting that has me falling hard for her one day...then she stops texting me the next day when i expect the text to just move along and its like....wtf?...it truamatizes me everytime haha and honestly i dont want to get used to that cause then ill get used to crawling back nomatter what...which unfortunately is where i stand right now even though i have no idea what her intentions are. But i refuse to let my gaurd down until i know her intentions are pure and thats that.
And wow, Karina just popped back into my life..she messaged me. Dear Universe, WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!?! right after i finished typing the theresa portion..haha well. Shes typing short and choppy and slow like usual...so w/e haha im just going to go like omg! its karina! everytime and just be fascinated by the interesting person drunk but the ridiculously dull sober person afterwards haha. Then again...thats just like me...*shrugs*
I havent been to the gym in foreverrr i intend to change that tomorrow, my body is still as tone as ever though..and i cant tell if i gained or lost any weight cause last time when i thought i gained weight i actually lost 9 pounds...complete mindfuck haha.
So last night i went drinking and smoked a bit with gordon and arthur and it was awesome haha chris just threw this little bro get together thing at his place and i got there after shopping with lauren and it was so much fun. Both hanging out with lauren and chri's hanging out made the day, which started like utter shit, end with a very happy note. :] Last night was actually when i was drunk and got completely skullfucked with a rush of infatuation for theresa...*shrugs* dono haha but umm..yeah i need to finish this blog post so that i can close this fucking tab haha
COMPLETED LONGBOARD IN (5) DAYS!!!!!! SOO EXCITED
(midnight)Ive been in bed for the past 24 hours. I feel absolutely pathetic but this is what i do at home because the living room is too loud and the kitchen is well...a kitchen..so all thats left is my room with its shitty wifi. My whole family agrees i should transfer out of mechanical engineering cause they dont know what im doing with my life and theyre afraid im not going to finish if i keep going cause m.e. is so challenging. I hate that my entire family agreed upon that. This arguement and tension has been going on the entire day..blah really cant handle this shit.
Ehh I blame the lack of cigs and me being super unproductive at home for my crankyness. Im actually flustered enough to get flashbacks of my temper problems in high school. haha I was such a bitter kid.
(1am) Which reminds me...winter is coming and 1) i always LOVE testing my body against the weather or 2) Im not sure if i LOVE longboarding even moreso but...i just bought my wheels! haha. My body is much more vulnerable to cold compared to me when i was even in 5th or 6th grade. Idk Sitting at home for a day is a long time for me and i pretty much went nuts and started thinking well...if im going to sit still for the next 5 hours might as well see what i can do with meditation hahhaa. Havent touched that topic in what feels like years. But matter of fact almost instantly i dived in and first i was in a dream..My body pretty much shutdown so it was like okay..guess youre sleeping since youre all comfortable and all..heres a dream for you. and the best part about those dreams are the fact that i can usually control whats going on in them haha but anywho forgot what happened in the dream or what i thought about but I feel alot better now :] The session unfortunately only lasted 30mins.
2am Theresa has really been on my mind lately. if it was anything i remember thinking about its the fact that in reality, i feel as if theresa isnt on my mind at all but damn i honestly think i meditated for only 30 mins because my thoughts were too loud and i snapped out of it haha. Like putting your favorite song on at full volume then sandwiching your head between two speakers haha. So i need to organize this. Why i like her: shes adorable, I feel like she understands me and sees what i see, she has a sense of humor, shes down to party but still seems to have a sense of self discipline and innocence, I can tell theres more than meets the eye.
Why i still havent moved beyond typing about it on my blog and why ive tried to cut her out of my life multiple times now: She seems like a player, I feel like i dont know her at all.., Her intentions are still....TBA, She has this issue with texting that has me falling hard for her one day...then she stops texting me the next day when i expect the text to just move along and its like....wtf?...it truamatizes me everytime haha and honestly i dont want to get used to that cause then ill get used to crawling back nomatter what...which unfortunately is where i stand right now even though i have no idea what her intentions are. But i refuse to let my gaurd down until i know her intentions are pure and thats that.
And wow, Karina just popped back into my life..she messaged me. Dear Universe, WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!?! right after i finished typing the theresa portion..haha well. Shes typing short and choppy and slow like usual...so w/e haha im just going to go like omg! its karina! everytime and just be fascinated by the interesting person drunk but the ridiculously dull sober person afterwards haha. Then again...thats just like me...*shrugs*
I havent been to the gym in foreverrr i intend to change that tomorrow, my body is still as tone as ever though..and i cant tell if i gained or lost any weight cause last time when i thought i gained weight i actually lost 9 pounds...complete mindfuck haha.
So last night i went drinking and smoked a bit with gordon and arthur and it was awesome haha chris just threw this little bro get together thing at his place and i got there after shopping with lauren and it was so much fun. Both hanging out with lauren and chri's hanging out made the day, which started like utter shit, end with a very happy note. :] Last night was actually when i was drunk and got completely skullfucked with a rush of infatuation for theresa...*shrugs* dono haha but umm..yeah i need to finish this blog post so that i can close this fucking tab haha
COMPLETED LONGBOARD IN (5) DAYS!!!!!! SOO EXCITED
Thursday, November 24, 2011
lol himym
So ive realized that the himym episodes are oddly parallel to the current events in my life..ever since the new season started. I know maybe i need a bit of imagination to make it work but yeah...the moral of the episode always hits right on point haha. Like the moral of the most recent episode is girls are crazy due to girls two bros were like f this shit we can raise a baby and start a family without a female. Were bros, we can do this lolol Funny how me and big thomas had a "fuck girls, bros dont need them" conversation before. We were drunk f course lol but im just saying himym is MY LIFE hahah. ted mosby is me but some people think im barney stinson haha. anywho. That episode pretty much summed up my life! i went to the funeral day before thanksgiving and felt like utter SHIT. and for once i looked it as well. I dont like being forced to feel sad..i dont think anyone does thats why i hate funerals. My instinct is to feel happy when surrounded by sadness but in order to pay respects i had to not smile and think...sad..and..grieve. I ended that day and began thanksgiving looking and feeling worse than i ever did. Even my sisters got really worried. They said i look sooo unhealthy. but yeah..wednesday was just crap. The funeral lasted from 10 to 5pm and after i got home i just said fuck it and passed out in my suit and everything. I thought it took energy to be happy but holy shit at least faking happiness only makes your body feel better. Faking sadness actually makes you feel worse...never tried it never going to do it again and id be damned if i put anyone i know through that shit for my death. My shit is going to be fun. lol So i pass out at 5...wake up at 9....think its the next morning but it isnt so i pass out again..wake up 3 three...fml...pass out again and wake up at 12. Holy shit i had so much sleep but i still felt like shit! idk...I need someone new in my life.
Ive been texting theresa more recently..why? well its something to ease the shit in my life right now. Hey even though i barely work anymore you forget that i still need to go to school. I cant deal with this shit and have the mentality to study. I mean i feel like me and her got to that level where even though we were never together i need some closure. Ive never put more effort into a girl than i did with theresa and idk why to be honest. My sister has been helping me job hunt cause i told her about theresa. she knew she was bad news bears from the beginning somehow...i just didnt understand why lol. Girls understand each other i guess. Anywho. I never got the call from club monaco. They said call anf and quit or i wont get the job...did they really expect me to quit anf before actually getting a call saying i got the job? Sorry, i didnt like you enough to even to that much for you, recruitment bitch. LOL i honestly hated the company the minute i tried for the interview i felt the essence of the company through the interviewer and thought...UGH. what utterly disgusting people. No respect. idk. Still hunting for a job. Debating whether or not to give up anf..honestly so much has happened during these two weeks and ive only been scheduled one day a week so i dont even feel like i work there anymore...and its not like im going to be awkward around theresa..idk if shes going to be awkward around me but hey w.e. Might as well hold the job and try to find a second one...anf is getting to be a hassle to carry in my schedule though so its only a matter of time..
My sister has hooked me up with a 200 dollar a week job. its a personal business and all i have to do is pick up sunglasses at the post office and mail it to her ex in Australia theyre really highend sunglasses and her ex sells them for big bucks in Australia. Im so glad that my sister is a slut lolol. I hope this doesnt fall through though fucking i need a job...and DEFINITELY if its going to pay me 200 bucks just to run to the post office everyday once a day why the fuck not?
Thanksgiving wasnt too bad. I enjoyed it since i was socially awkward. I just sat there and ate the whole night..Ive been awfully hungry lately. Maybe due to the depression and stress. I ate 3 full plates of food in 1 sitting. well 3 and a half counting like...5 brownies some pie and other desserts lol I also up and got a beer the minute i got there cause i fucking wanted it and i didnt give a flying fuck what my relatives thought. Lol Blue moon palemoon omfg...i jizzed in my mouth beer.
What WAS really awkward about thanksgiving was the fact that my mentally challenged cousin venessa was hitting on me. Shes like..16 and she was feeling on my biceps and hopping on my back. I mean thats i gues...passable. but when she tried to hold my hand several times like...legit its like...wtF? >.>. Is this some sick shit fate is plaing with me to just shove more shit in my life? how to i react to the poor girl? Vennessa has been apparently lying to the family about this boy named chris..It made me feel so bad for her. Cause i know how it feels to be a social outcast at a young age. Honestly, but it was just so WEIRD. like omg what is going on. Why are you sitting here quietly trying to hold my hand? And it used to always be a thing that every thanksgiving her and her two brothers would tackle me and stuff then drag me upstairs and have me play with them. Not like that..really bad impression now that i said the above statemtn lololol but seriously it was really innocent humour that even i was amused with cause when i was 15 they were like...6 and 9 so i felt like i was all mr big stuff carrying around and wrestling three smaller kids haha. But now im older and so are they and yeahh just not into those games. SO awkward thanksgiving. but ive been through worse haha.
So this whole socially awkward thing...has to go...idk what is wrong with me but i need a ego boost.
Just fell asleep with laptop still open and dreamt that i was late for work got to work and saw theresa and had a good ol fun time at work like i usually do with theresa...woke up and ive only been asleep for an hour...i need a drink. lol holy shit. im literally going to make myself a greygoose and canada dry right now...f this..hahaha well after this shot im going back to bed for...30 mins...then time for work
Ive been texting theresa more recently..why? well its something to ease the shit in my life right now. Hey even though i barely work anymore you forget that i still need to go to school. I cant deal with this shit and have the mentality to study. I mean i feel like me and her got to that level where even though we were never together i need some closure. Ive never put more effort into a girl than i did with theresa and idk why to be honest. My sister has been helping me job hunt cause i told her about theresa. she knew she was bad news bears from the beginning somehow...i just didnt understand why lol. Girls understand each other i guess. Anywho. I never got the call from club monaco. They said call anf and quit or i wont get the job...did they really expect me to quit anf before actually getting a call saying i got the job? Sorry, i didnt like you enough to even to that much for you, recruitment bitch. LOL i honestly hated the company the minute i tried for the interview i felt the essence of the company through the interviewer and thought...UGH. what utterly disgusting people. No respect. idk. Still hunting for a job. Debating whether or not to give up anf..honestly so much has happened during these two weeks and ive only been scheduled one day a week so i dont even feel like i work there anymore...and its not like im going to be awkward around theresa..idk if shes going to be awkward around me but hey w.e. Might as well hold the job and try to find a second one...anf is getting to be a hassle to carry in my schedule though so its only a matter of time..
My sister has hooked me up with a 200 dollar a week job. its a personal business and all i have to do is pick up sunglasses at the post office and mail it to her ex in Australia theyre really highend sunglasses and her ex sells them for big bucks in Australia. Im so glad that my sister is a slut lolol. I hope this doesnt fall through though fucking i need a job...and DEFINITELY if its going to pay me 200 bucks just to run to the post office everyday once a day why the fuck not?
Thanksgiving wasnt too bad. I enjoyed it since i was socially awkward. I just sat there and ate the whole night..Ive been awfully hungry lately. Maybe due to the depression and stress. I ate 3 full plates of food in 1 sitting. well 3 and a half counting like...5 brownies some pie and other desserts lol I also up and got a beer the minute i got there cause i fucking wanted it and i didnt give a flying fuck what my relatives thought. Lol Blue moon palemoon omfg...i jizzed in my mouth beer.
What WAS really awkward about thanksgiving was the fact that my mentally challenged cousin venessa was hitting on me. Shes like..16 and she was feeling on my biceps and hopping on my back. I mean thats i gues...passable. but when she tried to hold my hand several times like...legit its like...wtF? >.>. Is this some sick shit fate is plaing with me to just shove more shit in my life? how to i react to the poor girl? Vennessa has been apparently lying to the family about this boy named chris..It made me feel so bad for her. Cause i know how it feels to be a social outcast at a young age. Honestly, but it was just so WEIRD. like omg what is going on. Why are you sitting here quietly trying to hold my hand? And it used to always be a thing that every thanksgiving her and her two brothers would tackle me and stuff then drag me upstairs and have me play with them. Not like that..really bad impression now that i said the above statemtn lololol but seriously it was really innocent humour that even i was amused with cause when i was 15 they were like...6 and 9 so i felt like i was all mr big stuff carrying around and wrestling three smaller kids haha. But now im older and so are they and yeahh just not into those games. SO awkward thanksgiving. but ive been through worse haha.
So this whole socially awkward thing...has to go...idk what is wrong with me but i need a ego boost.
Just fell asleep with laptop still open and dreamt that i was late for work got to work and saw theresa and had a good ol fun time at work like i usually do with theresa...woke up and ive only been asleep for an hour...i need a drink. lol holy shit. im literally going to make myself a greygoose and canada dry right now...f this..hahaha well after this shot im going back to bed for...30 mins...then time for work
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