Earn it

Today i woke up after sleeping early last night feeling good but feeling like complete and utter shit. By now its expected when i have a mental fallout with theresa. I slug to work without anything in my stomach and come to find im tossed side work, i didnt complain since i needed some me time anyways. I just did usrs all day and kept to myself. It got really hard at the end though, not because i was tired but because i didnt eat all day and it was 7pm. It was as if i felt my stomach literally shrinking and my muscles were like grinding gears. All and all it was a rather mopey day. Right after work i came straight to the library (still in the library) and studied like no other for the final tomorrow. Once i started studying i felt better :] Then again i had a meal and a monster to refresh me. Now im in the library pulling an allnighter to study but im going to procrastinate a bit to clear my head haha.

I was bothered all day though by theresas single post. Not to be overdramatic but it honestly pissed me off. I felt like the bad guy after reading the post. It said something like..the day he texts you, youre going to realize you dont like him anymore. all those days you dressed up for him and tried to impress him didnt matter and instead of missing him youre going to remember that you hate him for hurting you so much. something along those lines. I honestly dont want to read it to take it word for word cause i read it and felt...disgusted. I dont give two shits about looks and what you wear any of that physical stuff. Thats why ive been trying to advocate COMMUNICATION this entire like...3 months. ive met many people in my life and trust me when i say i see a beautiful person that refuses to show and actually pushes people away for god knows what reason. You speak of being hurt as well...sure maybe that isnt a post you created so i always have to take tumblr post with a grain of salt but if you do feel hurt...that part..is what really bothered me. I feel as if ive been hurt 10x more than you because ive been the one to break all the awkward silences, create the conversation that goes through the day and push for something more everytime. Yes, i expect a female, if she likes a male, to do the same because then you if you dont do any of that then you reallly have no reason to complain. There is a difference between playing hard to get and plain out not putting in the part. Ive been in several relationships where the girl can play hard to get and still continue to show that at least shes there and interested. im sorry im flustered and its 5am..im getting to that point where im stressed and tired of studying and i dont want to hold it in anymore...thats what my blog is for. im not mad at you. im mad at the situation and how ridiculous it is. Im flustered because even though i feel as if youve done less than minimal in this relationship you still have the power to hurt me. Thats not your fault its mine. Im mad that when i was talking to my gay friend about you he said that in this time, it is natural for relationships to grow THIS slowly for a second i felt like i seriously did fuck up...and i seriously wanted to call theresa again. Then i looked through my text from right after nov 19th. It was the first text i sent her in about 2 days and from then on sure she initited some good night and good morning text, but there was nothing substantial in the conversations because they were so terribly spotty.

Trust me, its never too early to start to get to know someone. You have roughly 16 years of experiences to talk about thats 365 times 16 days to talk about and if you talk to them more then the even more you have to talk about because you relate back to previous conversations and they help you grow, they become a part of your life literally. I guess thats another reason why im attracted to you, because ive never met someone so bad at communicating XD i mean in any other relationship im absoltely terrible because i simply dont remember anything from like...the ages of 12-18 due to PTSD (self diagnosed) lol. You seem like such a smart girl too because if my gay friend is right and i did fuck up then you surely know how to play the game better than any girl ive ever met. And if anything, more uniquely than any girl ive ever met...using reverse psychology and push and pull tatics like noones business. You definitely have proven, ive guess, to be too good for me.

But im a dude with a ego, and during work ive realized why i refused to hold on even if you were interested. Its because i never want to give a girl the glory of reeling me in. Even if you opened yourself up after ive chased long enough that only means that you have the bigger hand and you decide when your comfortable to open up to me even though ive chased for like..2 months. Thats not just a theory. The relationship, if it did work out...would be completely fucked up. You'd have the impression that you have to lead but you'd probably want me to be the bigger man...but yet we got to know each other by showing that im your bitch? Ive been in relationships like that and well sorry but male superiority, even though its looked down upon its honestly necessary. Thats psychology and sociology for you. But tables can easily turn if you just texted me first this time. Im not going to ever text or call you again for this sole factor now. Because of my masculinity. Its not for me, but its for the relationship if either of us ever wish to see it happen. You probably think oh thats bullsht when youre in a relationship a relationship is a relationship but no...how you get to know the person and how you played the game will affect the relationship for as long as it last. Think of it like this...If we ever got married what would you tell friends? oh yeah we got to know eachother because i rejected this guy 4 times i actually had to ignored his text every so often because he was trying so hard but he kept fucking texting me everytime and sticking around so i finally decided he was worth a shot so yeahh....oh and he actually didnt even know if i was attracted to him the entire time but he was so determined to get me...LOL wtf is that? I think twilight has a better love story than that. haha sounds like im a creep and i like..raped you. LOL If you honestly didnt like me until after the fourth time you rejected me...thats still fine. We'd be the couple people laugh at in those shows like how i met your mother, where the girl got comfortable being at her worse, bitching at everyone and everything and the man being the females bitch. haha IF it were to work out. Sorry, cant let you get too comfortable tossing me around. Thats why i dont believe in the quote "if he/ she cant handle my worst, she/he surely doesnt deserve my best" NEIN NEIN NEIN!, relationships are mutual! but Its until those moments happen that make the relationship that much stronger :]

I think im the only guy in the entire world that would ever deal with such bad communication for 2 months+...and still be interested. my gay friend said "shes like a mustang and your like a viper. both are very good cars but for the mustang to get from 0-60 it takes alot more time compared to a viper. You like to just right off the bat BANG! really fast and hit every checkpoint but shes showing you in her own special way shes special." Lol fair enough arguement...well said. but seriously?! communication IS the starting line. haha its fine if youre busy and text slow but like..show me youre there. The reason why i was so insanely infatuated with you for that short period of time was because you WROTE on your tumblr. i dont need to look at pictures and take everything with a grain of salt. that was you telling people what you did that day. that fuckin turned me on. LOL because complimented with your general sense of humor i felt like i got to know you a bit better.

Anywho im not going to toot a horn if it doesnt work so Academics! Im so fucked for this final XDD i feel like i dont understand sheeeet fml haha but i must get an indisputable A this semester i only have two classes grrrr fml holy shit! its almost 6 i gotta studddyy >.<

edit::

Hey right when i submitted my favorite song from the strokes started playing haha i quoted this song for the past 4 years..i pretty much live by it due to all the shitty almost-relationships ive been in, mostly because i cant get on the level where i can open my life up to someone that i like. Thats like...anything before the age of like..18-19 lol. which was 2 years ago. lolol i was fine after like..the year of 07 but it took another 2 years to create a new self because well...i wasnt really anyone for 6 years...which is why i have the old blog and new blog..haha which is why i want to get a tattoo of R0SE5. Yes, im fucking proud to be who i am today haha.

The strokes- Someday
In many ways they'll miss the good old days
Someday
Someday
It hurts to say but I want you to stay
Sometimes
Sometimes
When we was young, oh man did we have fun
Always
Always
Promises they break before they're made
Sometimes
Sometimes

My ex says i'm lacking in depth
I will do my best
You say you want to stay by my side
Darling your head's not right
I see alone we stand, together we fall apart
Yeah I think i'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes

Oh someday...
No, I ain't wasting no more time

Trying, trying...

And now my fears, they come to me in threes
So I
Sometimes
Say fate, my friend, you say the strangest things
I find
Sometimes
Oh my ex says i'm lacking in depth
Say I will try my best
You say you wanna stand by my side
Darling your head's not right
You see alone we stand, together we fall apart
Yeah I think i'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes
Oh someday...
I ain't wasting no more time