my life right now on any chosen day is ridiculous, its not a complaint im just surprised. haha. Take Sunday for example, i was suppose to try acid..its postponed to wednesday because i had work..
edit::
and well updte on that..well it didnt happen lolol terrible planning but tomorrow is the big day im meeting pam at 830 near downtown. Acid is going to be fun :D. Continuing on the thought process of my failed attempt to my last post, last week i drank 4-6 nights that week. thats nuts. And one of those times i made out with tammy! lol it was funny okay break down so the pusle was starting to get really loud in my head like usual when i drink too much and i was sitting on her lap cause i needed to use the laptop. Well i leaned my foreheads on hers and im not going to try to lie and say i wasnt making a move cause im very attracted to her :D not going to lie. lol and well since i was already in that position and i felt a sudden jolt of SYNERGY i pecked her..then BAM! we just went at it. lol for like a really long time...long enough for me to sober up LOL which is about like..6-7 mins idk..throwing numbers out there i coulda sobered up quickly due to the fact that i was getting a hardon and all the blood was not focused on my head anymore either..but thats besides the point lol. LAst week was FUN. Never in my life have i ever felt so grateful to have a vacation. I worked really hard last semester and the end was not soley just slacking because of laziness but slacking due to exhaustion...physical fatigue due to all the all nighters. lol
So ermmm what is there left to say besides life is great? Longboard is arriving this sunday!!! technically it already did but its at my sisters house -_- lol i want to ride it NOWWW rawrs lol.
I beat F.E.A.R., F.E.A.R.- Extraction point, and F.E.A.R. 2 in like..under a week id say lol shit was awesome.
so yeah. Get with the flow, when you think something is going to bug you or cause you to lose your flow just dont even think about it say.. "Dude, it's Whatever"
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Last Note
This is a very powerful post for me. I dont remember how i came up with this thought but the minute i did i knew it to be true. I have to feel miserable to be happy. Oh i remember! i was watching Hitch lol. and will smith said the line that goes something like "I feel utterly miserable right now and if thats what it takes to be happy then fine". What i've been so traumatized of for so long is the exact same thing im looking for. i knew this but at the same time i didnt know what i was looking for. I'm not looking for love, the image of that in my head has flashed through my memories plenty of times which is how i learned how to be affectionate again, but that doesnt solve the problem of why i cant like anyone yet. The thought of love in my head is so innocent. Its the part people see in the movies. thats the only part i have allowed myself to remember even though i know deep down it isnt, which is why i remain traumatized but can be attracted to someone at the same time.
What im looking for is misery, which go hand in hand with love, bringing more litterally meaning to the phrase "I love you to death" lol. funny how much i numb myself and how long it took me to notice something so trival. Old thomas did a good job zigzaging around so that he could hide just enough from me before i lost my memories. But he was rushed..which is why i've always felt the need to look into it because i knew my feelings were poorly hidden.
This is the final note. I will not look for love nor will i learn to meditate. Ive actually never been closer to both of them which is ironic. Life is taking its course and i think the month of Demember would serve very nicely in my book of chapters.
Its almost impossible for me to fall in love again because when done right love is the biggest bandaid to your largest wound. the problem is, in the past i felt nothing but the misery for years. I feel it now and i remember the gnawing feeling clearly. That gnawing feeling in your gut is not of insanity, it was the cause of my insanity, rather it is the feeling of a piece missing from myself. Its a gnawing feeling because they are things that can never be replaced and i accept this. Even though the gnawing feeling will subside i know there are pieces lost. I gave too many pieces away now because of my self sacrifice to make everyone else happy over the years. The good news is that now that i know what misery is and already 1 foot deep in it, i will soon know what happiness is.
Love. Everytime you miss that special person every minute of the day so seeing him/her is that gratifying that it never gets old. Misery and happiness go hand in hand. Which is why i loved fullmetal alchemist because you cannot get something unless you give something of equal value in return. that is the true law to life.
I decided im not going to meditate again, it disrupts the flow of nature when you know too much. If anything, i will teach myself how to continue tackling this truama head on. In order to do this i'll have to accept my past and try to remember as much as possible and just..withstand the burden. Before i said im over it but i got over it by erasing it or only facing that large parts. Everything is beautiful and im glad im closer to accepting everything ive gone through even though i dont remember half of it.
Im watching this show called elfen lied..i watched it like 100 times its a touching show that kinda gets me mad cause the guy forgave the girl for killing his family..i mean she couldnt control her bloodthirst when she was young but still. Anywho, he went through a traumatizing situation and when someone poked at his past he would try to talk about it but then loose control and say...what was i trying to say again? lol i know its only a anime but as you can tell, dramatic moments such as these can only be reenacted in films and they help jog my memory. I used to be in the same position. How i made it out without any professional help trumps me even now. but i laugh. :] cause i like to see balance in my life. I like it.
Sometimes i just need to watch the right thing at the right time for it to help me..thats why i grew to be an obsessive person. I listen to the same song 5000 times and can watch the same movie 500 times..like fullmetal alchemist and 500 days of summer. Those pop up on the top of my head along with numerous other films and animes.
Call me dependant but hey tought times you know? and i did this all myself :] without family or friends besides several outlets. I must thoroughly thank all of you that have helped me through my life: Laurie Tsui, Gabriel Tirado, Linda Tran, Lauren Li, Robin Cheng, Bong Nguyen, Colin Macdonald, Selin Unluonen, and a few others that ive told but just put it aside. You've selflessly listen to my crazy life and without you i dont know where id be. The pieces i spoke of lie within each one of your memories because they are each a part of one thomas, That quite frankly, ive forgetten most of.
Eh its taking me a long time to write such a short choppy post. but my choppy post happen only when i try my hardest to put as many thoughts into a post as possible. Those are the post you know are most emotional.
I make it sound like its all over but shit is just begining im not even twenty yet. I still dont know how to FEEL another, im so used to using the strict morals which subsituted the lacking emotions. It works quite nicely but id like to feel again. instead of looking at a situation and understanding how one feels due to the chain of events and respond appropriately.
Ehh i feel like im REALLY close to meditation apparently all my practice has not been in vain cause i can tap into it when im high. lol My friend just established that he felt a very strong electrical field around me when i was high. Ladies and gents, that is no type of trip you should get for weed. lol. I have immense amounts of energy stored up that i cannot access. Without meditation i will not be thomas. but there will be a balance. but i will not practice it anymore because in time, just like this epihphany...itll come to me. Might be decades. lol
Relationships ehh..im looking forward to trying out a serious one i need to learn to like them though lol. the only way i can do that is feel happiness so i guess i just been looking in the wrong places..well, id must admit i really did like Claudia for god knows what reason. Her smile is original and refreshing. She kinda helped me when i thoguht about writing a blogpost about this epiphany of mine cause for once i really did hurt inside in a real situation. It wasnt like that time with sara when i was hurt cause shes a party girl. lol
My thoughts on death now...Furute me may be pretty interested because ever since now no matter when... deep down i wanted to die. well.. I dont feel any different! :D haha congrat thomas you learned how to hold your own shit? not that big of a difference on a large scale. Besides my wanting to die only thrives off of all the tosses and turns ive had to go through just to be...sane. haha fuck communicating with people, doing good in school, getting a job im talking about like..age 1-5 in your life which is just putting your feet on earth. Its been a fuckin task.
Speaking of which me and my sisters have actually decided that im actually very relationship-mature for my age. due to my openmindedness, humor, and understanding of..pretty much social construct and how people work. Im on par with my sister which is at the age of 27...i guess im ready to get married soon well im at least age 23-24 material. haha. Unfortuately for me, im going to have to wait until like...4 more years until these bitches and hoes catch up. Then i can maybee have heart to heart conversations that wont be in vain cause the other is wise enough to know what love actually is. lol but of course due to my current age, im still a sophmore and dont have the resources 23-24 year olds have so regardless my bragging is invaild and unprovable until 23-24 when everyone else should be of equal maturity. lol Hey there are some REALLY fucked up relationships even in my generation couples consider love. and they feel it and shit..dude its a whole different ballgame when you reach your twenties. people are so naive.
But Pretty much my whole life will fall in place now that ive welcomed drama back into my life. lol That was a good strong statement. I was going to title this True beauty. but dude..comeone thats weak i dont want this to be my life goal breaker. thats lame. it might just be. but im going to say nahh it cant be. So like a song i put on loop, this post is the last note to one of those songs. Its that feeling of damnit now i have to change songs and press play again with loop on, just to listen to similar shit thats quite satisfying but hey at least that song is done..im making progress. Is that metaphor too far-fetched?
What im looking for is misery, which go hand in hand with love, bringing more litterally meaning to the phrase "I love you to death" lol. funny how much i numb myself and how long it took me to notice something so trival. Old thomas did a good job zigzaging around so that he could hide just enough from me before i lost my memories. But he was rushed..which is why i've always felt the need to look into it because i knew my feelings were poorly hidden.
This is the final note. I will not look for love nor will i learn to meditate. Ive actually never been closer to both of them which is ironic. Life is taking its course and i think the month of Demember would serve very nicely in my book of chapters.
Its almost impossible for me to fall in love again because when done right love is the biggest bandaid to your largest wound. the problem is, in the past i felt nothing but the misery for years. I feel it now and i remember the gnawing feeling clearly. That gnawing feeling in your gut is not of insanity, it was the cause of my insanity, rather it is the feeling of a piece missing from myself. Its a gnawing feeling because they are things that can never be replaced and i accept this. Even though the gnawing feeling will subside i know there are pieces lost. I gave too many pieces away now because of my self sacrifice to make everyone else happy over the years. The good news is that now that i know what misery is and already 1 foot deep in it, i will soon know what happiness is.
Love. Everytime you miss that special person every minute of the day so seeing him/her is that gratifying that it never gets old. Misery and happiness go hand in hand. Which is why i loved fullmetal alchemist because you cannot get something unless you give something of equal value in return. that is the true law to life.
I decided im not going to meditate again, it disrupts the flow of nature when you know too much. If anything, i will teach myself how to continue tackling this truama head on. In order to do this i'll have to accept my past and try to remember as much as possible and just..withstand the burden. Before i said im over it but i got over it by erasing it or only facing that large parts. Everything is beautiful and im glad im closer to accepting everything ive gone through even though i dont remember half of it.
Im watching this show called elfen lied..i watched it like 100 times its a touching show that kinda gets me mad cause the guy forgave the girl for killing his family..i mean she couldnt control her bloodthirst when she was young but still. Anywho, he went through a traumatizing situation and when someone poked at his past he would try to talk about it but then loose control and say...what was i trying to say again? lol i know its only a anime but as you can tell, dramatic moments such as these can only be reenacted in films and they help jog my memory. I used to be in the same position. How i made it out without any professional help trumps me even now. but i laugh. :] cause i like to see balance in my life. I like it.
Sometimes i just need to watch the right thing at the right time for it to help me..thats why i grew to be an obsessive person. I listen to the same song 5000 times and can watch the same movie 500 times..like fullmetal alchemist and 500 days of summer. Those pop up on the top of my head along with numerous other films and animes.
Call me dependant but hey tought times you know? and i did this all myself :] without family or friends besides several outlets. I must thoroughly thank all of you that have helped me through my life: Laurie Tsui, Gabriel Tirado, Linda Tran, Lauren Li, Robin Cheng, Bong Nguyen, Colin Macdonald, Selin Unluonen, and a few others that ive told but just put it aside. You've selflessly listen to my crazy life and without you i dont know where id be. The pieces i spoke of lie within each one of your memories because they are each a part of one thomas, That quite frankly, ive forgetten most of.
Eh its taking me a long time to write such a short choppy post. but my choppy post happen only when i try my hardest to put as many thoughts into a post as possible. Those are the post you know are most emotional.
I make it sound like its all over but shit is just begining im not even twenty yet. I still dont know how to FEEL another, im so used to using the strict morals which subsituted the lacking emotions. It works quite nicely but id like to feel again. instead of looking at a situation and understanding how one feels due to the chain of events and respond appropriately.
Ehh i feel like im REALLY close to meditation apparently all my practice has not been in vain cause i can tap into it when im high. lol My friend just established that he felt a very strong electrical field around me when i was high. Ladies and gents, that is no type of trip you should get for weed. lol. I have immense amounts of energy stored up that i cannot access. Without meditation i will not be thomas. but there will be a balance. but i will not practice it anymore because in time, just like this epihphany...itll come to me. Might be decades. lol
Relationships ehh..im looking forward to trying out a serious one i need to learn to like them though lol. the only way i can do that is feel happiness so i guess i just been looking in the wrong places..well, id must admit i really did like Claudia for god knows what reason. Her smile is original and refreshing. She kinda helped me when i thoguht about writing a blogpost about this epiphany of mine cause for once i really did hurt inside in a real situation. It wasnt like that time with sara when i was hurt cause shes a party girl. lol
My thoughts on death now...Furute me may be pretty interested because ever since now no matter when... deep down i wanted to die. well.. I dont feel any different! :D haha congrat thomas you learned how to hold your own shit? not that big of a difference on a large scale. Besides my wanting to die only thrives off of all the tosses and turns ive had to go through just to be...sane. haha fuck communicating with people, doing good in school, getting a job im talking about like..age 1-5 in your life which is just putting your feet on earth. Its been a fuckin task.
Speaking of which me and my sisters have actually decided that im actually very relationship-mature for my age. due to my openmindedness, humor, and understanding of..pretty much social construct and how people work. Im on par with my sister which is at the age of 27...i guess im ready to get married soon well im at least age 23-24 material. haha. Unfortuately for me, im going to have to wait until like...4 more years until these bitches and hoes catch up. Then i can maybee have heart to heart conversations that wont be in vain cause the other is wise enough to know what love actually is. lol but of course due to my current age, im still a sophmore and dont have the resources 23-24 year olds have so regardless my bragging is invaild and unprovable until 23-24 when everyone else should be of equal maturity. lol Hey there are some REALLY fucked up relationships even in my generation couples consider love. and they feel it and shit..dude its a whole different ballgame when you reach your twenties. people are so naive.
But Pretty much my whole life will fall in place now that ive welcomed drama back into my life. lol That was a good strong statement. I was going to title this True beauty. but dude..comeone thats weak i dont want this to be my life goal breaker. thats lame. it might just be. but im going to say nahh it cant be. So like a song i put on loop, this post is the last note to one of those songs. Its that feeling of damnit now i have to change songs and press play again with loop on, just to listen to similar shit thats quite satisfying but hey at least that song is done..im making progress. Is that metaphor too far-fetched?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Training
Hehe funny how i just finished watching dragon ball Kai and for some reason i can relate to them in a peculiar way. I forever want to better myself mentally but at the same time im very satisfied with that i have. When you throw that into an extreme you birth a very productive state-of-mind. This is the unhealthy state i put myself in when i was younger, Thus lacking the need for motivation and instead i believed that the two clashing thoughts, maxed out on willpower will do the job instead. I will not make that mistake twice. At this rate i still cant live life normally.
I naturally question things too much. I want to meditate but i cant because i dont want to be emotionless. Usually when im in this state of mind i find something i could not otherwise find because this is such a peculiar outlook on life. I feel like im back at home haha. This is the state of mind many people saw me in and why they thought i was so carefree. Once i got serious though i can get dead serious due to the other side, pumped with an itch to learn.
today was a good and bad day. i went on my first date in a long time. I directly connect the thoughts of nervousness and unknowing what to do or how to act to a date..pretty much i do poorly at it and hope for the best. haha With claudia. I watched Love and other drugs with her and there were MANY times where i felt like making a move, directly connected to the emotional tossing of the movie (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED COUPLES MOVIE) Its Never a good idea to go to the movies to get to know someone, completely contradictory. but i never did end up making a move, i felt that id sent the wrong vibe because the movie was just so moving, if i reacted to with with her in mind that would imply something 3 steps ahead in relationship and i dont want to risk messing it up with her. Though, i always feel like you HAVE to make a move on the first date for the girl to realize they are being targeted and for them to contemplate whether or not she should respond. I took a different approach and just..enjoyed the movie. Interesting how she knew there was going to be alot of sex scenes and stuff and yet she was the one that recommended it.
Anywho it was a bad day cause i felt so sluggish at work. i felt unproductive and for me that is the worst feeling.
Alot of thoughts ran thorugh my head today but they were forgotten again.
humm what else? pool ive been at the same level, i can say im in the higher tier of my performance constantly but thats because i rarely play.
Long board coming in sooon! im so stoked.
For the first time i tried telling people i knew werent privileged to know about my past meditation/ obsession (kevin and nate) about it. They mock me up to this day but unlike bragging where you feel completely ridiculous after, i feel very proud of myself and i see how Ignorant they are, because i know whats real and theyre laughing at it. If it wasn't true that would be something else. but ehh.
Im trying to find things to say because i had so many thoughts ready for this blog. *shrugs*
I naturally question things too much. I want to meditate but i cant because i dont want to be emotionless. Usually when im in this state of mind i find something i could not otherwise find because this is such a peculiar outlook on life. I feel like im back at home haha. This is the state of mind many people saw me in and why they thought i was so carefree. Once i got serious though i can get dead serious due to the other side, pumped with an itch to learn.
today was a good and bad day. i went on my first date in a long time. I directly connect the thoughts of nervousness and unknowing what to do or how to act to a date..pretty much i do poorly at it and hope for the best. haha With claudia. I watched Love and other drugs with her and there were MANY times where i felt like making a move, directly connected to the emotional tossing of the movie (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED COUPLES MOVIE) Its Never a good idea to go to the movies to get to know someone, completely contradictory. but i never did end up making a move, i felt that id sent the wrong vibe because the movie was just so moving, if i reacted to with with her in mind that would imply something 3 steps ahead in relationship and i dont want to risk messing it up with her. Though, i always feel like you HAVE to make a move on the first date for the girl to realize they are being targeted and for them to contemplate whether or not she should respond. I took a different approach and just..enjoyed the movie. Interesting how she knew there was going to be alot of sex scenes and stuff and yet she was the one that recommended it.
Anywho it was a bad day cause i felt so sluggish at work. i felt unproductive and for me that is the worst feeling.
Alot of thoughts ran thorugh my head today but they were forgotten again.
humm what else? pool ive been at the same level, i can say im in the higher tier of my performance constantly but thats because i rarely play.
Long board coming in sooon! im so stoked.
For the first time i tried telling people i knew werent privileged to know about my past meditation/ obsession (kevin and nate) about it. They mock me up to this day but unlike bragging where you feel completely ridiculous after, i feel very proud of myself and i see how Ignorant they are, because i know whats real and theyre laughing at it. If it wasn't true that would be something else. but ehh.
Im trying to find things to say because i had so many thoughts ready for this blog. *shrugs*
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