Sometimes they are unnecessary. Im looking into a style of displaying my thoughts without actually saying anything, or much. I was talking to my mentor recently in a very casual manner and we were talking about interviews. She gave a very flattering compliment saying that i was charismatic person. This was one of the best compliments ive ever received because i feel like with charisma, a person can go anywhere. with the understanding that one can convince and or just simply communicate with others in a deeper way it can create opportunities to grow every other aspect of one's personality. Without other people in this world to bounce ideas off of even the most self-efficient and introverted person can only do so much. Anywho, I kinda wanna further sharpen my charisma because well, maybe that way i dont have to keep hopping from click to click and just be friendly with all of them.
For some reason Cung still haunts me though..every time he hangs out with someone i used to hang out with...they become distant and change. Idk. I guess that makes Cung better to hang out with? i dont see how haha but its w/e. If im not in the library then im with chris and doug elsewhere so i dont even bother with curry anymore. Im guaranteed no one to sit with now thanks to cung cause he stole my last groupie..and i saw him hawk eyeing them ever since first semester..trying to sit with them but i used to always sit with them. haha i guess the transformation happened at the end of first semester when i was in the library 24/7. o well. lol now i walk past them and sometimes they dont even wave. cung is at the other end of curry and they stand up and go like.."CUNG!!" *waves* ahaha..i used to be him but i laugh at him...he can bask in all my shitty friends :D Haha its funny, im still trying to be friends with him again but hes pulling a huy. o well.
anywho, I apologize for my last post. I looked pathetic. Never again lol. I actually carried around three packs of cigs those...4 days..killed 2 and down to my last one on my third one..crazy. Good news is nobody noticed haha. i just want to apologize because that was me just saying fuck the world and fuck my life. *shrugs* its more of a apology to myself. lol.
I've been hitting the gym alot lately, mostly because of puerto rico but i realized i feel really good when my muscles feel sore the next day and my range of movements are cut by 50% lol. It actually feels really good like a stretch you cant outstretch.
Fucked up thing about PR, Im not going! im actually really disappointed in tammy and sabat, i expected if not anyone else..them two to follow through. but i texted tammy the day after i saw her status saying "just booked my flight to PR so exicted!!" and said, should i book my ticket now too? apparently they already finalized the booking without me...thats so fucked up. Pretty much they said we dont want you with us..well..tammy and sabat pretty much said that to my face..w/e. Im mad cause sabat texted me asking if i was going to the gym every..like..4 days.
Im tired..My life is back to being stable...sorta...HARDLY work..once this whole week and it just HAD to be saturday night. fuck..and i have a morning class that day. Just so happened that that is my Only morning class. geez. Well, i like productive days so if i get enough rest after i go to the gym, saturday might all go for the better :]
I got a B- on the class i completely SLACKED on! not bad. lol. i was going to pop champagne if i got above a solid B. haha. but i guess i slipped by. God..never again. I pulled a allnighter and worked until 1230 the next day making up all the assignments. now im making up all the assignments for the other class. blah.
Im getting tired and i really need to focus..so til next time!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Bubl'e
I've been listening to michael buble' its upbeat and pretty music :] thats the good news. Other good news is i finished all the work i had to make up. So whatever grade i get...at least i got the chance to snap back.
Bad news? Ive been going downhill emotionally at an exponential rate. Idk why, nothing satisfies me. I decided to watch fullmetal alchemist last night cause i couldnt sleep and idc how much i change FMA(and my killers playlist which include sweet talk, goodnight travel well, this river runs wild, Sam's Town, and Daddy's eyes respectively) they cure anything. Both of these did shit to me. In order to push through the assignments i actually listened to my killers playlist and it helped enough. last night was just..ridiculous. FMA actually made it worse. I started thinking again. It was anything but productive thinking either. It was just..me pointing out how much of a peice of shit i am. and believe me, apparently it is very easy to just destroy myself.
The final resort i had was to see a face that would forever brighten my day, Lauren. I pulled an allnighter and started to pack and wanted to hop on the 8am bus..but i was so far into shit that i didnt even want to blog...i didnt even want to go anymore because i was in the state of habitual depression. It was BAD. i ended up missing the 8am and 10am bus. i ended up just up and leaving my house at 1030 like i need to fucking go out. Well im not at amherst. idk whats wrong..The only time i felt like so much shit is like...a year ago when i first remembered how it felt like to be depressed. Complete and utter shit. i played pool today though and i was BEAST. any shot that was even relatively straight i didnt even go into proper form to make the shot (getting close by leveling my chin to the stick) i was, what i like to say no-scoping. haha and i was doing ridiculous 4 wall shots..hit the white ball and make the object ball hit 4 walls before getting into the intended to pocket. lol. most i ever do is 3 and its usually hitting 3 walls with the whiteball before hitting the object ball cause i can control the white ball..it was nuts. Didnt make me feel any better. actually made me feel worse cause it made me feel like i needed to feel like utter shit to play that good. Im acting like a bitch honestly.
I honestly want to just jump into that hole. i was close to doing it too cause i felt like such shit last night..depression and anger are only good for this reason because its a burnable resource.
Speaking of anger i got very close to being angry drunk saturday night..i had to hold it back. i went to a party and drank alot the party ended up cutting shot cause someone had the balls to end one of the host's bedrooms. I got so mad cause it was such a fucked up thing to do..you dont egg ANYONES room, and he was such a good guy with all good intentions. he has zero enemies. idk. i was ready to punch someone in the face due to the emotional turmoil ive been experiencing as well. Douglas saw me angry and he himself got very angry cause the boucer there (there was a bouncer this time cause last time at nora's place random people were coming in because they heard music..some didnt pay and by midnight the party was dry) was going to kick doug out cause the bouncer didnt know douglas that well and he had alot of weight on his shoulders cause he didnt do his job properly. Douglas being a black guy, took it very offensively. He saw how angry i got and he noticed how angry he was and we were the first to leave. shit got messy. Also, do i look like a creep?! well, bad question cause i know some people have that impression of me lol. cause i used to be one. I dont creep anymore. Girls are girls. and a party is a place you just unwind, im not looking for anything crazy if we dance were just dancing. This is the SECOND time a girl came up to a girl i was dancing to and cockblocked me. fucking grenades. The worse thing about it was i was acquaintances with the girl that was cockblocking me...i was too drunk then so i let it go.but the morning after it really bothered me. she went up to the girl i was dancing with...also an acquaintance and shes like, "do you want to do this?" and the girl i was dancing with was like..waving her off like its whatever and shes like "you dont want to do this" and pulls her off. its like WTF dude its a party. its not like i was even looking for any. Actually i was dancing with girls butt facing them for kicks for than half the night lol. and yea i can move my hips like a girl :P. one time i was bending down low and touching my toes cause thats how men do it. anywho. dude. like...thats rude. i feel like when that happens especially if i know you thats something personal we need to sort out. So those incidents didnt help my emotional state at all.
theres just..too much going on in my head right now and i dont know what any of this is.i need a smoke. blah
Bad news? Ive been going downhill emotionally at an exponential rate. Idk why, nothing satisfies me. I decided to watch fullmetal alchemist last night cause i couldnt sleep and idc how much i change FMA(and my killers playlist which include sweet talk, goodnight travel well, this river runs wild, Sam's Town, and Daddy's eyes respectively) they cure anything. Both of these did shit to me. In order to push through the assignments i actually listened to my killers playlist and it helped enough. last night was just..ridiculous. FMA actually made it worse. I started thinking again. It was anything but productive thinking either. It was just..me pointing out how much of a peice of shit i am. and believe me, apparently it is very easy to just destroy myself.
The final resort i had was to see a face that would forever brighten my day, Lauren. I pulled an allnighter and started to pack and wanted to hop on the 8am bus..but i was so far into shit that i didnt even want to blog...i didnt even want to go anymore because i was in the state of habitual depression. It was BAD. i ended up missing the 8am and 10am bus. i ended up just up and leaving my house at 1030 like i need to fucking go out. Well im not at amherst. idk whats wrong..The only time i felt like so much shit is like...a year ago when i first remembered how it felt like to be depressed. Complete and utter shit. i played pool today though and i was BEAST. any shot that was even relatively straight i didnt even go into proper form to make the shot (getting close by leveling my chin to the stick) i was, what i like to say no-scoping. haha and i was doing ridiculous 4 wall shots..hit the white ball and make the object ball hit 4 walls before getting into the intended to pocket. lol. most i ever do is 3 and its usually hitting 3 walls with the whiteball before hitting the object ball cause i can control the white ball..it was nuts. Didnt make me feel any better. actually made me feel worse cause it made me feel like i needed to feel like utter shit to play that good. Im acting like a bitch honestly.
I honestly want to just jump into that hole. i was close to doing it too cause i felt like such shit last night..depression and anger are only good for this reason because its a burnable resource.
Speaking of anger i got very close to being angry drunk saturday night..i had to hold it back. i went to a party and drank alot the party ended up cutting shot cause someone had the balls to end one of the host's bedrooms. I got so mad cause it was such a fucked up thing to do..you dont egg ANYONES room, and he was such a good guy with all good intentions. he has zero enemies. idk. i was ready to punch someone in the face due to the emotional turmoil ive been experiencing as well. Douglas saw me angry and he himself got very angry cause the boucer there (there was a bouncer this time cause last time at nora's place random people were coming in because they heard music..some didnt pay and by midnight the party was dry) was going to kick doug out cause the bouncer didnt know douglas that well and he had alot of weight on his shoulders cause he didnt do his job properly. Douglas being a black guy, took it very offensively. He saw how angry i got and he noticed how angry he was and we were the first to leave. shit got messy. Also, do i look like a creep?! well, bad question cause i know some people have that impression of me lol. cause i used to be one. I dont creep anymore. Girls are girls. and a party is a place you just unwind, im not looking for anything crazy if we dance were just dancing. This is the SECOND time a girl came up to a girl i was dancing to and cockblocked me. fucking grenades. The worse thing about it was i was acquaintances with the girl that was cockblocking me...i was too drunk then so i let it go.but the morning after it really bothered me. she went up to the girl i was dancing with...also an acquaintance and shes like, "do you want to do this?" and the girl i was dancing with was like..waving her off like its whatever and shes like "you dont want to do this" and pulls her off. its like WTF dude its a party. its not like i was even looking for any. Actually i was dancing with girls butt facing them for kicks for than half the night lol. and yea i can move my hips like a girl :P. one time i was bending down low and touching my toes cause thats how men do it. anywho. dude. like...thats rude. i feel like when that happens especially if i know you thats something personal we need to sort out. So those incidents didnt help my emotional state at all.
theres just..too much going on in my head right now and i dont know what any of this is.i need a smoke. blah
Friday, February 18, 2011
Dead
There is no better way to describe it. Im just tired..i feel like im going to pull through somehow but i feel like SHIT. I walk slowly, kinda dragging my feet, and i smoked at LEAST 5 in the course of the last hour. This isnt like me. Why is this so? I cant hold it in anymore. There is alot of stress pent up inside. Its not my social life..well it kinda is. Theres too much. I smoked that much partially cause i miss the lonely nights at the library constantly studing and walking around aimlessly. It made me feel real. Dont be mistaken though, I cant not be more grateful. Chris and douglas are so cool they are my new bros and people actually call me for plans! They call ME. I just do my thing. haha this is great but..my grades are slacking. Every night i punch myself..i need a 3.0 to do anything. Whether that be a co-op or northeastern day. Im tired of not dorming and commuting. I have a 2.5. Everyone thinks i have a 3.5 at least...or a 4.0. haha im flattered. I can still pull through and get all A's..but i have to make up so much work right now and i shouldnt be in this postion. It makes me so mad and its all my fault. I never ever want to be in this prediciment again.
Next step to studing is to learn how to balance studing and social life. I want to hit the gym more too. I felt SO good going to the gym recently with douglas. We pulled a unproductive all nighter and decided to say fuck it and went to the gym from 6-8. I worked out hard until burnout on every part of my body and i woke up with tense muscles for the next three days. Im confident but i have very low self-esteem. Im pulling all nighters but not doing any work. Im eating but not gaining weight. I pretty much live on campus but i dont dorm. I hate halfassing my life. One of my biggest petpevs has become to just not halfass ANYTHING i do. If im going to start something...finish it even if itll destroy me so itll be quick and deadly. What im doing now is worse..just..slow torture. bah.
Even when it comes to reading! ive been reading this very interesting book named All of an Instant. Its sci-fi/philosophy and my god everytime i pick it up its so captivating but once i put it down i dont pick it up for another two days. Im still on page 60.
Im even halfassing my trip to umass amherst! I really miss you lauren. but there are always obstacles..things i could have avoided by changing my schedule a week or two before. Im lazy. I hate being lazy cause that was me 2 years ago. Ironicly, it makes me want to meditate. I know better. haha.
What do i like you ask? Im opening up to people. Im creating a image for myself. I told douglas a 30 min summary of my past. He respects it. He knows why i cant remember shit if you question me about..a year ago. haha If you asked me to be optimistic, id say i like how i know how smart i am. Every year since elementary school, Every. Single. fucking. teacher told me "Thomas, why are you so lazy, everytime you do work its the best in the class you are not working to your full potential, why? you know what youre doing and you know what youre doing wrong, just CHANGE" It was so hard for me to back then cause i had so much on my mind...it was not my top priority. But now that is cleared. I see what my motivation can do and i see what will happen if i focus. People that were clearly smarter than me 2 years and a year ago fuckin envy me. I dont have to study for test as much and i ace it. Just recently i did a take home test drunk and high. The teacher was terrible and i pulled it off using only a quarter of a page worth of notes, common sense, and the internet. (the text book is a terrible teacher aside from formulas) My study group didnt do it cause they didnt know i went to the library drunk and high to do it so they thought were all going to fail together cause they didnt know how to do it. They dragged me out of class that day and i went to the classroom nextdoor and taught them everything i knew on the chalkboard..the entire test. They got a 40/40 and i got a 39/40. Our "tutor" which is a extra student that joined our studygroup, is way older and brags about being 2 weeks ahead of the class and shit and he seemed to know what he was talking about..he got a 34/40.
Im not trying to brag..anything but bragging actually cause im trying to get myself to FUCKING DO MY WORK. It just comes to show i know what potential i hold and yet im still slacking. I should just stop blogging and do my work..but i honestly cant at this mindset. i feel like shit. I feel like i cant do shit. SIGH. *Slaps*
I tried to play pool today and was beat by a complete rookie. My aim was gone. power control failed and my positioning was just plan retarded. My pool skill really reflects my mood and mindset. well. what else? blah.
The weather outside is nice..i want to just sit and bath in it while reading my book..
Next step to studing is to learn how to balance studing and social life. I want to hit the gym more too. I felt SO good going to the gym recently with douglas. We pulled a unproductive all nighter and decided to say fuck it and went to the gym from 6-8. I worked out hard until burnout on every part of my body and i woke up with tense muscles for the next three days. Im confident but i have very low self-esteem. Im pulling all nighters but not doing any work. Im eating but not gaining weight. I pretty much live on campus but i dont dorm. I hate halfassing my life. One of my biggest petpevs has become to just not halfass ANYTHING i do. If im going to start something...finish it even if itll destroy me so itll be quick and deadly. What im doing now is worse..just..slow torture. bah.
Even when it comes to reading! ive been reading this very interesting book named All of an Instant. Its sci-fi/philosophy and my god everytime i pick it up its so captivating but once i put it down i dont pick it up for another two days. Im still on page 60.
Im even halfassing my trip to umass amherst! I really miss you lauren. but there are always obstacles..things i could have avoided by changing my schedule a week or two before. Im lazy. I hate being lazy cause that was me 2 years ago. Ironicly, it makes me want to meditate. I know better. haha.
What do i like you ask? Im opening up to people. Im creating a image for myself. I told douglas a 30 min summary of my past. He respects it. He knows why i cant remember shit if you question me about..a year ago. haha If you asked me to be optimistic, id say i like how i know how smart i am. Every year since elementary school, Every. Single. fucking. teacher told me "Thomas, why are you so lazy, everytime you do work its the best in the class you are not working to your full potential, why? you know what youre doing and you know what youre doing wrong, just CHANGE" It was so hard for me to back then cause i had so much on my mind...it was not my top priority. But now that is cleared. I see what my motivation can do and i see what will happen if i focus. People that were clearly smarter than me 2 years and a year ago fuckin envy me. I dont have to study for test as much and i ace it. Just recently i did a take home test drunk and high. The teacher was terrible and i pulled it off using only a quarter of a page worth of notes, common sense, and the internet. (the text book is a terrible teacher aside from formulas) My study group didnt do it cause they didnt know i went to the library drunk and high to do it so they thought were all going to fail together cause they didnt know how to do it. They dragged me out of class that day and i went to the classroom nextdoor and taught them everything i knew on the chalkboard..the entire test. They got a 40/40 and i got a 39/40. Our "tutor" which is a extra student that joined our studygroup, is way older and brags about being 2 weeks ahead of the class and shit and he seemed to know what he was talking about..he got a 34/40.
Im not trying to brag..anything but bragging actually cause im trying to get myself to FUCKING DO MY WORK. It just comes to show i know what potential i hold and yet im still slacking. I should just stop blogging and do my work..but i honestly cant at this mindset. i feel like shit. I feel like i cant do shit. SIGH. *Slaps*
I tried to play pool today and was beat by a complete rookie. My aim was gone. power control failed and my positioning was just plan retarded. My pool skill really reflects my mood and mindset. well. what else? blah.
The weather outside is nice..i want to just sit and bath in it while reading my book..
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Weekends
There simply aren't enough of them. There are only 4 weekends in a month and if plans were to happen on any of these 2-3 days then i can rightfully say that im booked for that weekend. Im giving slack for hw of course. I wish there were more weekends haha last night i was really blown away by the northeastern frat party. The first neu party party i ever went to. At first it was slow..people were standing around drinking beer until around 1130 pm then it got crazy it started off when i just was like..fuck it and i went to introduce myself to a group of girls. i talked to them and i got comfortable. i was with three other guys and two token guys that followed us haha i met them last night dont know their names. Idk if they had as much fun as me or or the guy(s) i was with. but yeah..there was this one girl...CLEARLY the hottest one of all. and i went to a bro like..is she single? and he loled and said yeah..brought her over then idk said something to her. haha she ends up jumping on me and said into my ear "youre cool" *hug* then walked away cause i was trying to get through the crowd haha..but i acted like it didnt bother me much. this all happened when things were still trying to pick up cause ratio was really bad..it was like...35 dudes and like..15 girls haha. so i was just like fuck it...whenever the ratio is low i usually have a shitty night. I enjoyed 5 cups of the keg was feeling nice..went outside for a smoke. since my glasses were fogging i took them off and put them in my pocket. I guess all i needed to do was take off my glasses cause right after that it was like BAM party suddenly started. Like usual i just stood against a wall enjoying my beer enjoying the atmosphere. a girl comes up to me (which will be soon known as vivian) shes like..why arent you dancing?! i look around and people are starting to dance. haha so she just starts dancing with me lol. im like w/e. and dance with her then she walks away. after 3 mins to find her friends (this will happen to every girl throughout the party) So by then i took two or three more cups...i think i ended on ten. (its a good way to keep a timeline of the night cause i knew i was going to blog about it) 7 in i was introduced to vivian annie and her grenade friend, BU girls. haha. i was waiting for the bathroom and vivian comes back to use the bathroom and i dance with her while waiting cause people just run into the doorway once its open. lol. we got familar and annie (her close friend, both very attractive, gave me the thumbs up) she legit said vivian is cute you should wait for her to get out of the bathroom and dance with her, try to hook up with her lol.(funny thing is later i give annie, the girl that said that, to my friend Chris and they apparently got close, but i danced and hooked up with her...she leaned in on me..not my fault) i laugh at the thought and say yeah shes cute ill see. i still wasnt quite convinced the party started yet cause that was only 2 girls..totaling 5 girls i know in the party now due to the random three i casually introduced myself to. (by the end of the night i knew every girl there that was attractive and had danced with all of them at least once) LOL except the token three i met at the beginning of the party. hhaha. so fast forward. eight beers in i chug the cup and drop it on the floor cause me and vivian are going hard on the dancefloor now..its late 12am people stopped dancing its w/e. we were the only ones dancing lol. THE REALLY hot girl. stood RIGHT behind us the entire time..staring at us dance LOL i was like..fuck fuck fuck the only time she doesnt have a dude or a group of girls with her..she actually didnt dance with any guys that night. OHHH
REWIND REWIND 5 beers in. i was pumping the keg and this dude was trying to close the light on the oven. without my glasses, just reach over and flick the switch and closed the light. He looks up like..wtf. cause apparently theyve been trying to close the light for a while lol. He ends up being a brother and i told him im interested in joining lambda. His name was Brian, a brother in the umass amherst chapter, he said its never too late. He immediately introduced me to a guy named kevin, some boss dude and he took my contacts. Thomas a fraternity brother?... haha
So yeah back to the hottest girl there, right after me and vivian stopped dancing again cause she needed to find her friends again i look up and she is already walking away..and im like wtf just happened. LOL. So this is beginning 9 cups i met all the girls there by then, Doug and my other friend harrison left when i was probably 5 cups in, right when the party started. lol. around Seven cups in i found Chris my friend ive been partying with at noras/library buddy/wingman now haha. I introduced him to vivian and annie and we just started dancing with them lol.
Anywho! 9 cups in! i went to a beerpong table sweating balls cause those rooms are empty..i was sweating bullets from dancing with vivian intensely. and this girl says to me...are you lauries brother?..and im like..fml. lol. she laughed and was like omg i cant believe im partying with my middleschool bestfriends' little brother. It was such a problem cause then she saw me with vivian. and swapping numbers 10 beers everyone was getting ready to leave and she was like..thomas thomas thomas..bad. LOL Now i know how it feels to party with my sister *shivers* I helped her get a refill on the keg too lol. But yeah..back to 9 cups in..Vivian tells me she has a boyfriend..shes has a boyfriend for the past two years and he lives in cali. FML lol. but then shes like i dance better than her bf so it made me chuckle lol. We dance the night to an end and i never touched her or kissed her but she was just a great person to dance with. Nice clean fun night. She took my contacts...i doubt she remmebers my name but her friends definitely do cause i walked into the beerpong room when they were talking about me and i heard whisper whisper whisper Thomas >.> and i turned around and saw them like o.o shit then laugh and so i stared at them and gave the uhoh..going to walk away now look and took my beer and walked out lol. that was 8 cups in. 10 cups in i finally introduced myself to that hot girl cause my drink just so happened to me next to where she stood and im like YES. lol she said her name was nora. Clearly she wasnt interested, most likely cause i knew all the girls there by then and i was the craziest dude on the dancefloor. lolol. I tried to legit stalk her through all the bros i know..THERE IS NO NORA! damnit. haha. well me and chris depart. innocent seperation between us and annie, vivian and grenade. the night was over. lol. Actually me and annie did get really close to making out due to dancing but she had alot of control..we didnt even peck it was like...rub lips. Her fuckin friends were like "dont make out with him!" by the end of the night. wtf was that.. the grenade literally leaned in between us when we were dancing close to see if we were going to..fuckin grenade. I wasnt going to do anything anyways. I wanted to show them i was the nice guy girls never notice :D So fun night. Next weekend im more than welcomed to the lambda party at uma. hope to be there and in two weeks i hope ill be going SNOWBOARDING! finally.
Well now im in the library i have a midterm tomorrow, time for me to study....If taking off my glasses gives me that much results..im excited to get my contacts in a week..
AND EXCITED TO START LONGBOARDING AGAIN! woot woot
REWIND REWIND 5 beers in. i was pumping the keg and this dude was trying to close the light on the oven. without my glasses, just reach over and flick the switch and closed the light. He looks up like..wtf. cause apparently theyve been trying to close the light for a while lol. He ends up being a brother and i told him im interested in joining lambda. His name was Brian, a brother in the umass amherst chapter, he said its never too late. He immediately introduced me to a guy named kevin, some boss dude and he took my contacts. Thomas a fraternity brother?... haha
So yeah back to the hottest girl there, right after me and vivian stopped dancing again cause she needed to find her friends again i look up and she is already walking away..and im like wtf just happened. LOL. So this is beginning 9 cups i met all the girls there by then, Doug and my other friend harrison left when i was probably 5 cups in, right when the party started. lol. around Seven cups in i found Chris my friend ive been partying with at noras/library buddy/wingman now haha. I introduced him to vivian and annie and we just started dancing with them lol.
Anywho! 9 cups in! i went to a beerpong table sweating balls cause those rooms are empty..i was sweating bullets from dancing with vivian intensely. and this girl says to me...are you lauries brother?..and im like..fml. lol. she laughed and was like omg i cant believe im partying with my middleschool bestfriends' little brother. It was such a problem cause then she saw me with vivian. and swapping numbers 10 beers everyone was getting ready to leave and she was like..thomas thomas thomas..bad. LOL Now i know how it feels to party with my sister *shivers* I helped her get a refill on the keg too lol. But yeah..back to 9 cups in..Vivian tells me she has a boyfriend..shes has a boyfriend for the past two years and he lives in cali. FML lol. but then shes like i dance better than her bf so it made me chuckle lol. We dance the night to an end and i never touched her or kissed her but she was just a great person to dance with. Nice clean fun night. She took my contacts...i doubt she remmebers my name but her friends definitely do cause i walked into the beerpong room when they were talking about me and i heard whisper whisper whisper Thomas >.> and i turned around and saw them like o.o shit then laugh and so i stared at them and gave the uhoh..going to walk away now look and took my beer and walked out lol. that was 8 cups in. 10 cups in i finally introduced myself to that hot girl cause my drink just so happened to me next to where she stood and im like YES. lol she said her name was nora. Clearly she wasnt interested, most likely cause i knew all the girls there by then and i was the craziest dude on the dancefloor. lolol. I tried to legit stalk her through all the bros i know..THERE IS NO NORA! damnit. haha. well me and chris depart. innocent seperation between us and annie, vivian and grenade. the night was over. lol. Actually me and annie did get really close to making out due to dancing but she had alot of control..we didnt even peck it was like...rub lips. Her fuckin friends were like "dont make out with him!" by the end of the night. wtf was that.. the grenade literally leaned in between us when we were dancing close to see if we were going to..fuckin grenade. I wasnt going to do anything anyways. I wanted to show them i was the nice guy girls never notice :D So fun night. Next weekend im more than welcomed to the lambda party at uma. hope to be there and in two weeks i hope ill be going SNOWBOARDING! finally.
Well now im in the library i have a midterm tomorrow, time for me to study....If taking off my glasses gives me that much results..im excited to get my contacts in a week..
AND EXCITED TO START LONGBOARDING AGAIN! woot woot
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Critical
February 1st was the day something strange happened when i was either sitting on my bed or in the bathroom. I found myself in a trace. it was like a mega epiphany (i used to love these when i meditate and find out some crazy connections that just answer the questions of two seemingly completely irrelevant topics. I didnt blog about it immediately because well..i wasnt meditating. i was just thinking. so my logic could have had alot of holes due to the lack of analysis. Soo, its just not worth pumping myself over. Nevertheless i did have an epiphany worthy of noting. It was like several different variables. My friendship with Kevin,the way i feel i portray myself, my utmost desires, and some other subcategories. This all came together when my friend at a part(Jan 30) y said out of completely randomness:
him:"You know kevin afable right?"
Me: "oh yeah we used to be like super bud buddy"
Him:"used to be super bud buddy? what happened?"
Me: " Umm idk i havent seen him in forever its just whatever i think he stopped hanging out with me though cause i smoke so much lol"
him: "oh, well you two talk about the same stuff, like content wise, Kevin tends to talk about the most random shit haha. *picks up a banana and makes a bullshit fact that noone cares about on it"
Me: *tries to act like i wasnt offended and plays along*
This conversation struck me hard..because i wasnt quite sober. i want people to ask themselves this too, and be honest with yourself like..idc who the reference may be to but lets make it a celeb to make a point. If someone were to compare you to a celeb would you take that offensively? Cause idk after he made that comment i realized...you know i would have probably taken that as a compliment a year ago but im at a stage now that im actually very happy with who i am. I feel like id feel equally offended if someone compared me to a celeb. I love the way i do what i do because only i can ever do what im doing.
Then I think, what what is it that im actually doing? Then i realize how much ive changed and actually matured, far beyond old thomas's wonders. The laid back side of me which creeped its way into my life is the personality ive felt was the real me...ever since i was little. But i never had it due to my conflicting thoughts. Im not as far off and naive as i thought. I know what im still doing and how my decisions are influencing myself and others. I still see the differences i make and my god im so proud of the way i completely manhandled anger. I never would have thought that i could cage anger into thi little typical emotion again that is a little fire that only grows when called upon. This requires the patience and stability that has also creeped into my life.
The way i talk to people is also different from when the last time i managed to open my eyes and see wtf i was doing. I was cowardly before and self conscious and anal about the things people said. Now i feel like im getting the groove and i understand im multi layered but i like it like that. I throw out the person that is me at the getgo cause im still terrible at this mingling crap. I dont know when to actually contact them what subjects are right to talk about when i should stop talking. In the beginning ive noticed other people really talk that mingling phase seriously. Its the "Im awkward around you because i dont really know you so yeahh". Dude honestly, i never understood that shit and i never think i will. That is what communication is for so lets skip acquaintance and just be friends. lol. If i think someone is cool then i treat them just like someone i knew for 5 years. Honestly, if anyone wanna know about wtf happened to my head and why im so "socially awkward" idc if its the first day meeting you, ill tell you anything from completely personal to just..cliche. This is for guys and girls. *shrugs* I've learned to be much more smooth with it but i still have trouble and i really dont mind having trouble.
So everything i wanted..becoming human and regaining what i lost. Came back in a hundred fold. I could not be more grateful for the person ive become physically mentally and emotionally. And honestly, im glad i can still have these epiphanies even though i cant meditate. It makes me feel at home. but i know im glad i decided not to go down that path :]. Im glad i can talk to my parents casually now. Im glad that i can purchase any materialistic goods i desire with a bit of patience and hardwork.
This is critical to my life right now, because i think if its this easy for me to be this appreciative its hard for me not to be... Happy :]
him:"You know kevin afable right?"
Me: "oh yeah we used to be like super bud buddy"
Him:"used to be super bud buddy? what happened?"
Me: " Umm idk i havent seen him in forever its just whatever i think he stopped hanging out with me though cause i smoke so much lol"
him: "oh, well you two talk about the same stuff, like content wise, Kevin tends to talk about the most random shit haha. *picks up a banana and makes a bullshit fact that noone cares about on it"
Me: *tries to act like i wasnt offended and plays along*
This conversation struck me hard..because i wasnt quite sober. i want people to ask themselves this too, and be honest with yourself like..idc who the reference may be to but lets make it a celeb to make a point. If someone were to compare you to a celeb would you take that offensively? Cause idk after he made that comment i realized...you know i would have probably taken that as a compliment a year ago but im at a stage now that im actually very happy with who i am. I feel like id feel equally offended if someone compared me to a celeb. I love the way i do what i do because only i can ever do what im doing.
Then I think, what what is it that im actually doing? Then i realize how much ive changed and actually matured, far beyond old thomas's wonders. The laid back side of me which creeped its way into my life is the personality ive felt was the real me...ever since i was little. But i never had it due to my conflicting thoughts. Im not as far off and naive as i thought. I know what im still doing and how my decisions are influencing myself and others. I still see the differences i make and my god im so proud of the way i completely manhandled anger. I never would have thought that i could cage anger into thi little typical emotion again that is a little fire that only grows when called upon. This requires the patience and stability that has also creeped into my life.
The way i talk to people is also different from when the last time i managed to open my eyes and see wtf i was doing. I was cowardly before and self conscious and anal about the things people said. Now i feel like im getting the groove and i understand im multi layered but i like it like that. I throw out the person that is me at the getgo cause im still terrible at this mingling crap. I dont know when to actually contact them what subjects are right to talk about when i should stop talking. In the beginning ive noticed other people really talk that mingling phase seriously. Its the "Im awkward around you because i dont really know you so yeahh". Dude honestly, i never understood that shit and i never think i will. That is what communication is for so lets skip acquaintance and just be friends. lol. If i think someone is cool then i treat them just like someone i knew for 5 years. Honestly, if anyone wanna know about wtf happened to my head and why im so "socially awkward" idc if its the first day meeting you, ill tell you anything from completely personal to just..cliche. This is for guys and girls. *shrugs* I've learned to be much more smooth with it but i still have trouble and i really dont mind having trouble.
So everything i wanted..becoming human and regaining what i lost. Came back in a hundred fold. I could not be more grateful for the person ive become physically mentally and emotionally. And honestly, im glad i can still have these epiphanies even though i cant meditate. It makes me feel at home. but i know im glad i decided not to go down that path :]. Im glad i can talk to my parents casually now. Im glad that i can purchase any materialistic goods i desire with a bit of patience and hardwork.
This is critical to my life right now, because i think if its this easy for me to be this appreciative its hard for me not to be... Happy :]
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