After typing last nights post i just cant help but think, i wonder when or if ill ever be that firm masuline figure we define as a man or a proper father figure today. Im not going to lie, i read between the lines so much that i dont exactly come off as the person that has just one indisputable perspective. Maybe thats a problem. Maybe that shows im doing something wrong. I mean dont get me wrong i sure can lead a group and they asked ive done it many times before, im known as a entj. extroverted intuitive thinking and judgemental person, its a national personality test. ENTJ has been nicknamed the "executive" person, one that can move groups and handle pressure by the horns and make it work my way ahah. anywho there is something about me im not happy about i dont like how i try to make everything so special or different or give it a new name or read into things so much. I notice i do this and because of my anger from the last post i slapped myself. Fuck philosophy and fuck this blog. Honestly, this is me im not going to lie but the way i look at things is so unnecessary haha. I forget sometimes that maybe im awkward not because im forced into an awkward setting, but because i look into things far too much, habitually. I bet in a couple days ill revert back to my old self cause ive honestly been trained to do so my entire life. Everyone says "just be yourself" but that is not what i should be haha i should be more accepting and more idk, more laid back, and not laid back thinking because im very laidback..but humm..enjoy life for what it is and dont make it out to be more than what it should be laid back.
Me and my sister talked recently and we established that my maturity level is more meant for the late 20's. Not really into small talk really just date, okay youre awesome lets get married haha. I dont like smalltalk, always hated it, thats probably why it was so easy to rid myself of talking. Small talk leads to long drawn out conversations about nothingness that apparently girls love...well everyone loves. Being able to communicate and display thoughts is a must have in life and if im going to fail at school, i better fucking excel in talking. Im not going to get out and start conversating again, im not that okay cause my ego needs a boost up again first haha but i feel more confident about myself...again.
I was jealous today of this guy, i saw him approach a girl and talk to her by saying "did you see that guy sitting there? he looked ridiculous" and after that they talked for three whole fucking hours and going...idk if i could ever do that with anyone. haha well i have before but yeah i was jealous.
Which brings me to girls. Why do you insist on giving guys only one chance and making sure its all lowkey and awkward when you lost interest in him and stop talking to him? this isnt towards me its for a friend cause he was really into this girl and she just stops talking to him out of the blue. It happened to me several times in the past. Shit, thats so damn rude and everyone that knows me knows that my #1 petpev is ignoring. i cant fucking STAND it when people ignore me thats why i actually want to apologize to nate for ignoring him for the first half of the semester idk what came over me that was extremely hypocritical of me. How i see it is there is only 1 world. Sure you meet new people but everyone you meet, if not a complete douchebag or dangerous or detrimental to your well-being , has made an impact on you whether you realize it or not. Please give them the gratitude they deserve for making you who you are. Im just saying, thats why Americans are so stupid, lack of communication or just plan ignorance and thats mostly due to a lack of communication. fucking SPEAK your MIND. seriously.
Anywho what else? i feel great! didnt smoke with kanji glad i didnt. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS! YOURE FUCKING 21! hopefully after college i can read my blog and flip back to middler year and lol after i go party it up with you this holloween. I love my friends. I love my family. I feel like im myself again :]. haha
Im effective immediately going to lower my smoke count...actually these past couple of days ive smoked no more than 4 times a day since i leave my house after 5pm...there really isnt enough time for more than that haha cigs take time you know.
Ive stopped going to the gym and thats really bad but it was mostly cause my muscles just werent cooperating there was too much on my mind so i couldnt bench heavy weights but now i wanna say im ready
I wanna fucking deck out my longboard too, winter is coming near and my longboard is still naked OHS NOES haha that MUST be fixed.
I need to be a bigger and better man....i need to practice blogging less philosophically, trying to figure out whats wrong with me and more...whats up. I need to practice holding conversations again. Thats something that cannot be recovered without practice. I need more where when what or how and less why
Like for instance im going to pull out a random topic like 9gag. Ive been addicted to that fucking website! i love it! its so halarious and i share links on my facebook all the time haha. Some of the comics are sexy, others are downright true and funny, then theres very interesting videos about like...there was this one dude that chiseled fucking the entire alphebet on separate tips of lead pencils. think the tip itself being the shape of an A and the two bottom legs being the wood or he got it so that the tip was long enough and chiseled chain links so the tip was actually two tinyyy links of lead. brillant. call it photoshopped i wish i saved the picture but it was freakin interesting lol.
My sisters are going to las vegas in several hours, both of them are running around the fucking house with their boobs hanging out cause theyre changing and packing and idk what but i forgot how many times ive asked them to put on a shirt haha. *facepalm*
Ive been watching this tv series called the walking dead recently its sooo interesting i cant wait for them to air new episodes. umm i can keep going on and on about my life now...but i feel like i should sleep i actually been feeling exhausted more and more early, like my body was recovering as a whole this entire time...cause now...like i said chapters end and my friends are what they were when i left it and my sleeping schedule is back in order..how coincidental. My life feels perfect right now. Hopefully shit doesnt fuck up.
Ive also been dipping into religion lolol this should be interesting..holy shit if i become religious the whole world will turn upside down and our sun might just explode haha but hey well see.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Soul
So what i think happened is that a peice of me self destructed haha. Cause i stablized..or so i think but i still cannot hold conversations for shit! there is nothing i want to talk about with anyone. Talking just is out of the equation for me and anyone..its weird. I forget what i used to talk about. 99% of the day there is literally nothing that goeson in my head. i swear im stupid. Another hypothesis i have that might make more sense is maybe im just crawling into a hole of complete and utter apathy. Whatever it is it clearly im clearly not comfortable, if i am id be still doing good in pool haha i like how i use that as a marker but its true. in order to play pool i have to be confident and comfortable with myself and my judgements but ive been missing every shot and just having a complete cold streak. My motto has become "its Whatever" haha. Honestly, i dont know whats going on with me and honestly i dont care haha i think im comfortable where i am. Not because i like feeling apathetic but because regardless there is zero drama! how can there be any drama if i dont talk? only makes sense. So as long as my life is drama less i can find happiness. haha
Actually i lied maybe its not dramafree because i must admit i am attracted to one person. And im not even sure how attracted i am to this person but if someone told me this is the reason why ive been acting strange this entire time i would not be surprised at all. This is legit, i think of her all the time and she puts a smile on my face but she doesnt comply so i just sit back and act myself...and well myself has been rather quiet and indifferent lately so eh. Unfortunately i fall for the stupidest girls. She probably wouldnt know good guy if it slapped her across the face to be honest haha. *shrugs* but who am i to judge.
Anywho life is dull I do nothing but come to campus and watch movies, maybe read, dabble in maximum 5 games of pool...anything to waste the day away after that. Days have quickened to normal pace but my sleep is RETARDED. i mean last night i passed out when i actually was suppose to(11pm-12am), ended up waking up at 6am. *shrugs* then i stayed up for 3 hours and passed out until 2. I think ive been having alot of nightmares cause i wake up really dazed and distant like the first day that i knew something was off but now ive grown accostom to it. Kinda sad i know, but after all these years id have to say the only thing i can be proud of is how well i adapt to internal conflicts haha. I dont even adapt though..cause if i did adapt id probably be done with this shit but its still affecting me so idk.
Before i used to just lack self-esteem because of all the things that kept changing in my life. But i still was confident, full of willpower and perseverance and these things i can downright say im proud of. Now im clearly lacking confidence or else ill be able to hold conversations. Im lacking willpower cause i dont know how to change it and im lacking perseverence because i dont even know wtf is wrong with me and im stablizing at a whole new low...hopefully i just somehow bounce back.
Its hard to describe the type of person i have become, but hanging out with me once or twice if you were a close friend of mine might make it very obvious...Ive never asked my close friends though...just not something that could be described as a normal conversation..O.o or so i think
Speaking of which i might smoke with kanji tomorrow, im hellbent to fix what started this all. He offered to smoke me up and this is an interesting offer even though he knows of my bad trip...he was there..this awkwardness all started with him. I either hit a new low tomorrow and immediately put a fucking bullet through my head or fix everything haha i honestly doubt itll be the first option, because even sober i have nothing to talk to him about. I feel awkward deep inside. If i fix it, i still refuse to smoke with college friends ever again haha weed just isnt for me.
I know its a bad route to go down its such a bad route but its a strong lead. Ive been thinking at night and ive thought this for years because its true. I used to be a fighter, not giving a flying fuck nothing can break me. Now im smoking..addicted. my mind is in a million pieces, im confused as to who my real friends are, and now i hav to result in depending on another drug to pull me out of a situation? The FUCK? This is not me. I used to be able to just literally go like. wait..hold the phone fucking slap up thomas cause youre being ridiculous and that would relieve me of everything. Then again it buried alot too, and thats probably what im paying for now but thats besides the point! haha i miss my gung-ho shit..my guns. Before i started working out cause i was fucking proud to be who i am naturally.
Well rant rant rant nothing really new cause my life is fucking boring so ummm ttyl! :D
Actually i lied maybe its not dramafree because i must admit i am attracted to one person. And im not even sure how attracted i am to this person but if someone told me this is the reason why ive been acting strange this entire time i would not be surprised at all. This is legit, i think of her all the time and she puts a smile on my face but she doesnt comply so i just sit back and act myself...and well myself has been rather quiet and indifferent lately so eh. Unfortunately i fall for the stupidest girls. She probably wouldnt know good guy if it slapped her across the face to be honest haha. *shrugs* but who am i to judge.
Anywho life is dull I do nothing but come to campus and watch movies, maybe read, dabble in maximum 5 games of pool...anything to waste the day away after that. Days have quickened to normal pace but my sleep is RETARDED. i mean last night i passed out when i actually was suppose to(11pm-12am), ended up waking up at 6am. *shrugs* then i stayed up for 3 hours and passed out until 2. I think ive been having alot of nightmares cause i wake up really dazed and distant like the first day that i knew something was off but now ive grown accostom to it. Kinda sad i know, but after all these years id have to say the only thing i can be proud of is how well i adapt to internal conflicts haha. I dont even adapt though..cause if i did adapt id probably be done with this shit but its still affecting me so idk.
Before i used to just lack self-esteem because of all the things that kept changing in my life. But i still was confident, full of willpower and perseverance and these things i can downright say im proud of. Now im clearly lacking confidence or else ill be able to hold conversations. Im lacking willpower cause i dont know how to change it and im lacking perseverence because i dont even know wtf is wrong with me and im stablizing at a whole new low...hopefully i just somehow bounce back.
Its hard to describe the type of person i have become, but hanging out with me once or twice if you were a close friend of mine might make it very obvious...Ive never asked my close friends though...just not something that could be described as a normal conversation..O.o or so i think
Speaking of which i might smoke with kanji tomorrow, im hellbent to fix what started this all. He offered to smoke me up and this is an interesting offer even though he knows of my bad trip...he was there..this awkwardness all started with him. I either hit a new low tomorrow and immediately put a fucking bullet through my head or fix everything haha i honestly doubt itll be the first option, because even sober i have nothing to talk to him about. I feel awkward deep inside. If i fix it, i still refuse to smoke with college friends ever again haha weed just isnt for me.
I know its a bad route to go down its such a bad route but its a strong lead. Ive been thinking at night and ive thought this for years because its true. I used to be a fighter, not giving a flying fuck nothing can break me. Now im smoking..addicted. my mind is in a million pieces, im confused as to who my real friends are, and now i hav to result in depending on another drug to pull me out of a situation? The FUCK? This is not me. I used to be able to just literally go like. wait..hold the phone fucking slap up thomas cause youre being ridiculous and that would relieve me of everything. Then again it buried alot too, and thats probably what im paying for now but thats besides the point! haha i miss my gung-ho shit..my guns. Before i started working out cause i was fucking proud to be who i am naturally.
Well rant rant rant nothing really new cause my life is fucking boring so ummm ttyl! :D
Saturday, October 22, 2011
change
So that last blog, im not even going to facepalm for cause i mean it really did get bad but im better now, idk i feel like i need a change of friends. Ive come to the conclusion that my dislike for smoking with kanji has caused me to dislike the group entirely and i have accidently outwardly expressed it. *shrugs* No big deal ill get over it I smoked again recently actually and got a good high because i was with melissa and lily billy :] very old smoking and just plan budd buddies haha but i wouldnt smoke with anyone from college ever again. Idk, honestly i feel like college isnt for me. Ive been thinking that as i go through the each day people on campus are so different from me. Theyre inspirations,motives and dreams. My motive is to live theirs is more well, knowledged based and yes im outwardly saying im freakin stupid haha. *shrugs* but school is a part of living i just see so much more to life that it has never been and probably would never be an independent priority.
I still need a breather but its hard when im partying like i used to. and working like i never did before. what else? idk big thomas has a girlfriend now i think...it makes me so happy for him but also it makes me depressed i havent really been paying much attention, I need to focus on myself right now.
I remember who i am i think. Im a social guy that just goes with the flow..thats my problem i rely too much on this flow of the day in which i dont control. *shrugs* im a kid. judge me. well goodnight, im exhausted and left a party early
I still need a breather but its hard when im partying like i used to. and working like i never did before. what else? idk big thomas has a girlfriend now i think...it makes me so happy for him but also it makes me depressed i havent really been paying much attention, I need to focus on myself right now.
I remember who i am i think. Im a social guy that just goes with the flow..thats my problem i rely too much on this flow of the day in which i dont control. *shrugs* im a kid. judge me. well goodnight, im exhausted and left a party early
Monday, October 17, 2011
R0SE5
Fuck, So i feel soo not myself today but i guess i saw this coming. I forgot who i am, What makes me who i am. Many people already asked me if im okay cause i dont seem myself but i just tell them that i have been lacking sleep which isnt true at all.
This morning i woke up at 10am and immediately felt off. I was well refreshed but i felt like completely shit, so i laid in bed until 2 thinking, not even sleeping. I dont want the world to see me anymore. I wanna just crawl into a hole and well...die. haha but knowing me ill probably truck through this chapter and hopefully itll leave me with nothing more than just a story. i think this is another "bigbang" where my head just wipes its slate completely clean of everything that connecs me to its former personality/self. If i disconnect myself anymore this can be pretty fucking serious. Its already almost impossible for me to even appear like myself, let alone hold a conversation. Then again, i hevent been really holding any conversations for the past 3 days of any sort.
Ive been questioning whether or not im actually mentally insane. My head is very confused. I dont know whether im confused, depressed, angry or just plain distraught.
I've never wanted to be more alone than i do now. Just away from everyone and everything, in my bed until i figure out what the fuck is going on. I lost my appetite and have nightmares at night. Today even though i woke up at 10, clearly satisfied of sleep cause i layed in bed for an extra 4 hours, i feel exhausted as if i havent slept in 72 hours. The days are moving slower.
Maybe im clinically depressed and i dont even know it but WHY. Why is the question that bugs the fuck shit out of me. I refer to myself as an egg. Strong on the outside but once the smallest pressure is used from inside everything shatters. haha im a fucking mess.
Idk, i can keep going on and on about this cause i feel like no words can properly express how much shit i feel but hey, hopefully this blogpost and the many after it will help me get through today. I need to show everyone that nothing is wrong so that after i get through this i can continue living my life, not one friend less or different.
During my 10-2 thinking ive established that this was bound to happen again. Starting at a very young age my life was filled with nothing more than anger, depression and well...memory loss. Im bound to an emotionally unstable life haha. I laugh at how pitiful that sounds but its true. From 6-10th grade while people were learning how to socialize and just, be themselves. I was focused on thinking and absurd philosophies, eventually suffering from a very traumatic period in my life. So its not surprising to me that i would not know who i am at all yet. This time i feel like i dont have those very close friends anymore that i can talk to or vent to. Therefore, i will rely on my blog much more often now, just to spew madness. I dont want to defile this new blog so ive decided to go back to my old blog until this is over.
This morning i woke up at 10am and immediately felt off. I was well refreshed but i felt like completely shit, so i laid in bed until 2 thinking, not even sleeping. I dont want the world to see me anymore. I wanna just crawl into a hole and well...die. haha but knowing me ill probably truck through this chapter and hopefully itll leave me with nothing more than just a story. i think this is another "bigbang" where my head just wipes its slate completely clean of everything that connecs me to its former personality/self. If i disconnect myself anymore this can be pretty fucking serious. Its already almost impossible for me to even appear like myself, let alone hold a conversation. Then again, i hevent been really holding any conversations for the past 3 days of any sort.
Ive been questioning whether or not im actually mentally insane. My head is very confused. I dont know whether im confused, depressed, angry or just plain distraught.
I've never wanted to be more alone than i do now. Just away from everyone and everything, in my bed until i figure out what the fuck is going on. I lost my appetite and have nightmares at night. Today even though i woke up at 10, clearly satisfied of sleep cause i layed in bed for an extra 4 hours, i feel exhausted as if i havent slept in 72 hours. The days are moving slower.
Maybe im clinically depressed and i dont even know it but WHY. Why is the question that bugs the fuck shit out of me. I refer to myself as an egg. Strong on the outside but once the smallest pressure is used from inside everything shatters. haha im a fucking mess.
Idk, i can keep going on and on about this cause i feel like no words can properly express how much shit i feel but hey, hopefully this blogpost and the many after it will help me get through today. I need to show everyone that nothing is wrong so that after i get through this i can continue living my life, not one friend less or different.
During my 10-2 thinking ive established that this was bound to happen again. Starting at a very young age my life was filled with nothing more than anger, depression and well...memory loss. Im bound to an emotionally unstable life haha. I laugh at how pitiful that sounds but its true. From 6-10th grade while people were learning how to socialize and just, be themselves. I was focused on thinking and absurd philosophies, eventually suffering from a very traumatic period in my life. So its not surprising to me that i would not know who i am at all yet. This time i feel like i dont have those very close friends anymore that i can talk to or vent to. Therefore, i will rely on my blog much more often now, just to spew madness. I dont want to defile this new blog so ive decided to go back to my old blog until this is over.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Stationary
So tonight I feel a bit peculiar. Idk my days seem long and drawn out and everything seems like it takes more energy to do. No, this isnt because im sleepy. This is because of columbus day. Fucking columbus day made miss a day of class so i feel like im not in school, the wheels arent moving. Theres something else as well. My social life has been going down the drain. This isnt a complaint i guess cause surprisingly im not stressing over it whatsoever. I needed a break from everything because of my awkward chapter in my life o.O haha.
What i didnt blog about is how awkward of a person ive become. Its very easy for me to be an awkward person due to my philosophical backround, social construct is inexistant to me and the only way i can be not as awkward is to remember proper etiquette...as a person. I feel like i can only act completely comfortable around 2 people..Doug and Big thomas. Idk why but for some reason if someone isnt completely w/e about my actions i pick up on it and question it, almost but not really directly...making it very awkward.
For example, me and chris should be best friends at this point. But i feel like he feels awkward around me. I feel his personality shift to more of a quiet and reserved nature, but i dont blame him cause im quite the reserved person myself when im not in a big group. This isnt him though ive seen him hang out one on one with many other people just fine hes crazy laughing his weird laugh and having random conversations. For some reason i cant seem to ride on his same quirky wavelength. Ive become a very awkward person, as if im right inbetween two personalities. I call him all the time now to hang out, it used to be vise versa, and he was like im at keiths and im like well i just got on campus cause i got out of work and i felt like he was trying to keep me away cause he kept saying. Well im just chillin at keiths. Before when i wasnt the awkward person hed just be like word dude! drop by keiths were just chillin and talking haha. Keith is also a friend of mine and hes a cool guy. idk i have this seriously awkward aura around me that makes people stay away..
Lauren for example. Okay lauren am i being awkward? idk if youre going to read this but i feel like im being awkward even though i feel like im calling you and texting you the same amount but communication isnt there. Something just about the tempo of my life is...off. I texted you about when i should come to amherst and you still havent texted me back even though deadmau5 is in 3 days. Idk I realize ive become an awkward person so im questioning it directly.
This is kinda why im actually appreciating this mini vacation. I cant socialize. I guess its because i lost my will to after the recent heartbreaks. The recent chapter of my life, i tried something new and put my whole self out there first as icebreakers..giving people my blog..actually outright saying, "im attracted to you" to one girl. She wasnt scared off she was just taken back. Were friends now. But it was something i have to try cause i was never the type to play games..never. If you say, "im sorry im busy all week" for me that doesnt mean "try harder" or "gtfo you creep", It means literally youre busy and i think nothing of it...or try not to. haha. Same goes for my friend kanji when i was having a bad trip i felt like he was really hating me so i outright told him "i noticed somethings off when we smoke together so i just wanna let you know that youre a cool dude and if you wanna talk about it I wouldnt even sweat it dude." He actually signed off but ehh. Me and him are cool now haha but i smoked smoking with him..and well..stopped smoking in general cause i feel like weed also has a part in this awkwardness due to the out-of-body experiences.
So theres an awkwardness that has come about me and my friends and i feel like im the cause, if there is any awkwardness existant and idk how to fix it. I feel like i should stop talking to people for a while haha.
Tonight was a nice night though, when i got out of work It felt weird, not a single text all day and my luck just had it that i had just enough cigs to last me for the night and the morning and that never happens when the pack is coming close to the end...ever I either have an awkward 4-5 left when i buy a pack or none at all haha.(i quit trying to quit again...i need to find a stable period of my life where i can make my anti-depressant something where i dont have to depend upon...hopefully itll be soon. As you can tell i lost motivation to quit because i feel as if my motive doesnt exist anymore.) Its just nights like these where even though i was exhausted and hungry and kinda lonesome that cigs and a beautiful night sky was the perfect thing for me. So i went on campus and sat on a bench for about 30 mins staring at the moon because it was full and my god it was so beautiful because if the moon was say, 5in in diameter the vivid circle around it was a womping fucking 5 meters. There was a huge dark circle that was lined with white clouds/light? around the moon that took up a good chunk of the sky. So i sat on campus and smoked and stared at the moon. Also, my headphones are fucked up but for some reason they worked perfectly fine all night...It was as if the world wanted me to enjoy this night alone haha.
My life is pretty chill right now but like usual, especially after such a nice night my days are going to get ROCKED by some course of events or another, Im going to need to carry around my longboard just in case i need some me time. ahha
Halarious minichapter.
So i had a very deep conversation with doug cause like me i can bend my personality to fit the situation almost immediately, super serious, or stupid or funny or all three at once. So Another reason why im not touching weed again is maybe because of the fact that i got scared for about 3 days ish that i was actually becoming gay..the paranoia planted itself when i was baked once like a month ago. haha And it just went rage when i was smoking with my friend kat and there was just a ridiculously large amount of gay dudes around and they were all hitting on me..and im like...why the fuck am i so attractive to gay guys and not girls? makes no sense. haha. Dont get me wrong cause i love vagina, clearly. But i just felt like welp, im not discriminating maybe ive just been fishing in the wrong tank. haha WTF. Anywho hanging out with big thomas definitely makes me feel better cause hes super bro and i hung out with him recently and it was funny cause the most bro guy i know and hes in the taxi singing justin beiber. hahaha funny character.
This whole awkwardness has caused me to question myself as a person. I realized I have no past, and i have no idea where im going with my life. I just go with the flow of the present and always keep in my what i want in the future. I explained my lifestyle indepth with doug that night and he made me realize my life is so fucked up haha but since i dont have a past nor walk on any path. I let my instincts take me wherever in the moment haha...i really need to change that.
Dream theatre concert was THE SHIT! to be honest though i was falling asleep for a period of it though cause the music was soo good and so relaxing haha it was metal but im used to falling asleep to blaring rythmic metal ahha :P
Well idk what else? i guess ill jump into this hole and see what happens after a week when i try to text people again haha Cause i clearly cant comfortably communicate with anyone XP.
What i didnt blog about is how awkward of a person ive become. Its very easy for me to be an awkward person due to my philosophical backround, social construct is inexistant to me and the only way i can be not as awkward is to remember proper etiquette...as a person. I feel like i can only act completely comfortable around 2 people..Doug and Big thomas. Idk why but for some reason if someone isnt completely w/e about my actions i pick up on it and question it, almost but not really directly...making it very awkward.
For example, me and chris should be best friends at this point. But i feel like he feels awkward around me. I feel his personality shift to more of a quiet and reserved nature, but i dont blame him cause im quite the reserved person myself when im not in a big group. This isnt him though ive seen him hang out one on one with many other people just fine hes crazy laughing his weird laugh and having random conversations. For some reason i cant seem to ride on his same quirky wavelength. Ive become a very awkward person, as if im right inbetween two personalities. I call him all the time now to hang out, it used to be vise versa, and he was like im at keiths and im like well i just got on campus cause i got out of work and i felt like he was trying to keep me away cause he kept saying. Well im just chillin at keiths. Before when i wasnt the awkward person hed just be like word dude! drop by keiths were just chillin and talking haha. Keith is also a friend of mine and hes a cool guy. idk i have this seriously awkward aura around me that makes people stay away..
Lauren for example. Okay lauren am i being awkward? idk if youre going to read this but i feel like im being awkward even though i feel like im calling you and texting you the same amount but communication isnt there. Something just about the tempo of my life is...off. I texted you about when i should come to amherst and you still havent texted me back even though deadmau5 is in 3 days. Idk I realize ive become an awkward person so im questioning it directly.
This is kinda why im actually appreciating this mini vacation. I cant socialize. I guess its because i lost my will to after the recent heartbreaks. The recent chapter of my life, i tried something new and put my whole self out there first as icebreakers..giving people my blog..actually outright saying, "im attracted to you" to one girl. She wasnt scared off she was just taken back. Were friends now. But it was something i have to try cause i was never the type to play games..never. If you say, "im sorry im busy all week" for me that doesnt mean "try harder" or "gtfo you creep", It means literally youre busy and i think nothing of it...or try not to. haha. Same goes for my friend kanji when i was having a bad trip i felt like he was really hating me so i outright told him "i noticed somethings off when we smoke together so i just wanna let you know that youre a cool dude and if you wanna talk about it I wouldnt even sweat it dude." He actually signed off but ehh. Me and him are cool now haha but i smoked smoking with him..and well..stopped smoking in general cause i feel like weed also has a part in this awkwardness due to the out-of-body experiences.
So theres an awkwardness that has come about me and my friends and i feel like im the cause, if there is any awkwardness existant and idk how to fix it. I feel like i should stop talking to people for a while haha.
Tonight was a nice night though, when i got out of work It felt weird, not a single text all day and my luck just had it that i had just enough cigs to last me for the night and the morning and that never happens when the pack is coming close to the end...ever I either have an awkward 4-5 left when i buy a pack or none at all haha.(i quit trying to quit again...i need to find a stable period of my life where i can make my anti-depressant something where i dont have to depend upon...hopefully itll be soon. As you can tell i lost motivation to quit because i feel as if my motive doesnt exist anymore.) Its just nights like these where even though i was exhausted and hungry and kinda lonesome that cigs and a beautiful night sky was the perfect thing for me. So i went on campus and sat on a bench for about 30 mins staring at the moon because it was full and my god it was so beautiful because if the moon was say, 5in in diameter the vivid circle around it was a womping fucking 5 meters. There was a huge dark circle that was lined with white clouds/light? around the moon that took up a good chunk of the sky. So i sat on campus and smoked and stared at the moon. Also, my headphones are fucked up but for some reason they worked perfectly fine all night...It was as if the world wanted me to enjoy this night alone haha.
My life is pretty chill right now but like usual, especially after such a nice night my days are going to get ROCKED by some course of events or another, Im going to need to carry around my longboard just in case i need some me time. ahha
Halarious minichapter.
So i had a very deep conversation with doug cause like me i can bend my personality to fit the situation almost immediately, super serious, or stupid or funny or all three at once. So Another reason why im not touching weed again is maybe because of the fact that i got scared for about 3 days ish that i was actually becoming gay..the paranoia planted itself when i was baked once like a month ago. haha And it just went rage when i was smoking with my friend kat and there was just a ridiculously large amount of gay dudes around and they were all hitting on me..and im like...why the fuck am i so attractive to gay guys and not girls? makes no sense. haha. Dont get me wrong cause i love vagina, clearly. But i just felt like welp, im not discriminating maybe ive just been fishing in the wrong tank. haha WTF. Anywho hanging out with big thomas definitely makes me feel better cause hes super bro and i hung out with him recently and it was funny cause the most bro guy i know and hes in the taxi singing justin beiber. hahaha funny character.
This whole awkwardness has caused me to question myself as a person. I realized I have no past, and i have no idea where im going with my life. I just go with the flow of the present and always keep in my what i want in the future. I explained my lifestyle indepth with doug that night and he made me realize my life is so fucked up haha but since i dont have a past nor walk on any path. I let my instincts take me wherever in the moment haha...i really need to change that.
Dream theatre concert was THE SHIT! to be honest though i was falling asleep for a period of it though cause the music was soo good and so relaxing haha it was metal but im used to falling asleep to blaring rythmic metal ahha :P
Well idk what else? i guess ill jump into this hole and see what happens after a week when i try to text people again haha Cause i clearly cant comfortably communicate with anyone XP.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Reactions of lust
Its only a lust, but i want to see how long i can hold onto feelings for someone. Ive never actually liked someone in a long time and apparently i can only feel it via lust now. It took me a week to realize that i liked this person too, causing a week of literal insomnia. How sad. But i want to see how far i would go.
Someone once told me love is a chemical that is a depressant in the body but since the body feels so depressed it doesnt know what to do with it so it grabs onto the closest thing that it knows which is the person it is thinking of. When the chemical wears off the body then craves to feel this intense depressant again therefore it refers to the person in which it thought of when it was so depressed. Its a fucking addictive chemical/drug that we label as love/lust. Someone also once told me any high you ever want can already be found in the body if one can control the flow. how else do you think the immune system fights unknown bacteria and maintain equilibrium between all the chemical reactions in the body. For every bateria there has to be a chemical which cancels it(and trust me there are alot of things that must exist in your body for it to actually work, alot of contradictions with reactions and anti-reactions and shit.. the body is much more complex than one can perceive
Ive established that like quiting anything addictive like cigs or cocaine, i quit love. My body cant handle the intensities of strong chemicals and it learned to fight it. Thats why i get more drunk off of 2 shots instead of 6 and more high off of 3 hits instead of 8. My body, like my personality...hates drama, absolutely hates dramatic abnormalities. In socialogical terms this would be known as drama. Intense and dramatic impacts on the body and mind...it cant deal with it and it does well to fight harder when it is push harder. Inertia.
She doesnt dress up anymore, she deleted you on skype, she doesnt update her facebook anymore (most likely moved to a new one), she never texts you, and shes never int he gameroom anymore. Shes trying to stay as far away as possible. dont do anything stupid thomas. Youre time has passed. Enjoy the friends you have. Just enjoy this high when it last because this might be the last it ever gets. *sigh* What a depressing story. When the time has come and i meet someone real, i wont be able to show for it.
This is a curse i knew existed ever since. I believe i wrote an old post about it haha. Expect many lonely post to come in the next month or so. I have foreshadowed my next chapter in my life this is considered the eye of the storm.
Someone once told me love is a chemical that is a depressant in the body but since the body feels so depressed it doesnt know what to do with it so it grabs onto the closest thing that it knows which is the person it is thinking of. When the chemical wears off the body then craves to feel this intense depressant again therefore it refers to the person in which it thought of when it was so depressed. Its a fucking addictive chemical/drug that we label as love/lust. Someone also once told me any high you ever want can already be found in the body if one can control the flow. how else do you think the immune system fights unknown bacteria and maintain equilibrium between all the chemical reactions in the body. For every bateria there has to be a chemical which cancels it(and trust me there are alot of things that must exist in your body for it to actually work, alot of contradictions with reactions and anti-reactions and shit.. the body is much more complex than one can perceive
Ive established that like quiting anything addictive like cigs or cocaine, i quit love. My body cant handle the intensities of strong chemicals and it learned to fight it. Thats why i get more drunk off of 2 shots instead of 6 and more high off of 3 hits instead of 8. My body, like my personality...hates drama, absolutely hates dramatic abnormalities. In socialogical terms this would be known as drama. Intense and dramatic impacts on the body and mind...it cant deal with it and it does well to fight harder when it is push harder. Inertia.
She doesnt dress up anymore, she deleted you on skype, she doesnt update her facebook anymore (most likely moved to a new one), she never texts you, and shes never int he gameroom anymore. Shes trying to stay as far away as possible. dont do anything stupid thomas. Youre time has passed. Enjoy the friends you have. Just enjoy this high when it last because this might be the last it ever gets. *sigh* What a depressing story. When the time has come and i meet someone real, i wont be able to show for it.
This is a curse i knew existed ever since. I believe i wrote an old post about it haha. Expect many lonely post to come in the next month or so. I have foreshadowed my next chapter in my life this is considered the eye of the storm.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Bittersweet
From the coast of gold, across the seven seas
I'm travelling on, far and wide
But now it seems
I'm just a stranger to myself
And all the things I sometimes do
It isn't me but someone else
I close my eyes and think of home
Another city goes by in the night
Ain't it funny how it is
You never miss it 'til it's gone away
And my heart is lying there
And will be 'til my dying day
So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years
Too much time on my hands
I got you on my mind
Can't ease this pain, so easily
When you can't find the words to say
It's hard to make it through another day
And it makes me want to cry
And throw my hands up to the sky
So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years
So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years
So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years
So ive been having internal conflicts alot recently. Which is why my blogs are very short and a bit more surfacey than id prefer. I dont like blogging about ideas that im not sure about. But i told myself id blog about the sole fact that im going through this cause it is a huge problem. There are two sides to me and i cant shake it. One side of me is the smiling self that everyone sees and recognizes when they are sober. But when drunk high or here and there when im sober, ive become very bitter at life. When i walk into a group and introduce myself i cant focus cause for some reason i pick up on little body language that shows there might be a possibility they dislike me. Which is wrong, i know it is. Idk what my roblem is but im damned convinced at the given moment, which is why i have become all the more awkward with people and i literally just leave.
For example, i was suppose to go to this group meeting cause chris is trying to start a pakouring group. Everyone showed up to support except me...the night of it was so awkward cause i got out of work and they were like oh hey meet me at kenmore. I call him when im at kenmore and he's like oh ill call you back. Then i call kat and kat is like im at kendall. and so right when i get to kendall i call chris and hes like oh were all at mission hill heading to gordons. so i just fuckin go home. Screw it. ehh there ends up being a story afterward but i feel as if regardless, it was bullshit cause they couldnt have traveled so far so fast. idk
On another sad note. Im just going to talk as if im thomas from the old blog really quick because this is a memorable moment.. So after lacking so much sleep ive come to realize i literally cant like anyone anymore. It wasnt until i was sitting in a room at night baked, sleepless just like the last many nights where the name "michelle" hit my head then bam, i pass out and ive been struggling to catch up on my sleep ever since cause i have so much to do. I passed out because it hit me like an epiphany why i have been lacking so much sleep. Me lacking sleep caused me to lack more sleeping thinking of why im lacking sleep. and this vicious cycle last until i understand the source of it all. haha This comes to show how i express my feelings for others. Its literally impossible to show. aint that some shit? haha well *shrugs* oh well, cant do anything about it. ahha
So i was smoking a cig today with my buddy and we were talking about smoking, and how it really just carves its way into your life. I feel like if i dont put my foot down asap then itll be stuck with me for the rest of my life..Maybe its fate that i become as cranky and bitter as my father. Who woulda known it would be cigs that would be the death of me. Bittersweet. I refuse to be like my father. Short tempered, egoistic and loud. Only thing that was good about him is he seriously knows how to get shit done.
As you can tell im hopelessly bitter about life right now but seeing lauren and having a happy day with michelle did light it up. michelle is this 25 year old that has a wonderful sense of humor, good at pool, down to earth, and absolutely beautiful. I believe i fucked it up long ago though...but shes mature enough to see past this and laugh with me and play pool with me every so often :].
What else? Im burying alot right now i can feel it...the insomnia wasnt just because of the girl..that would be insane because if anything thats the most emotion ive ever shown for a girl hahaha. But ummm idk nate..I talked to him yesturday cause he came up to me when i was playing a game of pool and i told him a bullshit story i shit out on the spot just to give it closer i said "you know, just to make this clear..ive been ignoring you not because im still mad at you, thats in the past. Its just that i see even aquiantances as friends and friends trust each other on at least some level. I dont trust you at all, so i thought it would be best not to talk to you. I looked at you and debated whether or not i should start a conversation again but then i thought, you know...im better off without you because there is a big possibility that you might do it again." He tried to laugh it off and say "well, she did come onto me first" and i laughed and in my head i said..yeah and you were a fuckin dbag i want to floor. haha But there..honest bro closure thats how you do it men. You be honest but one way or another you have to forgive him. Life is too short to hold grudges. Either punch him or dont. I actually dont feel like punching him when i see him so i drop it. But the names Nate and Ben offically put a foul taste in my mouth.
Lets see what else. BULKING TIME!!! getting my protein soon and shit im going to get ripped. im fuckin stoked.
So as i excpected, i was talking to 3 girls a month ago and they all dropped off either they werent my type i wasnt theirs or i fucked up ahha but thats okay cause now im talking to a new several. *shrugs* i think my problem is i talk to too many girls..thats why i cant get any. haha but like...every time the new group of girls cycles through i can assure you at least ONE is just a gold digger or just flirt just to feel loved. Soooo fuck i thought men as fucked up. I mean i do the same but shit...at least im open to possibilities. you wanna be fuck buddies? sure. friends? why not i love friends. couple? give me a kiss. as long as youre cool enough and we get close enough friends wise. you know what most girls do though? they get AWKWARD. awkward turtle. Like this girl says she doesnt want a relationship fine w/e shes cool and shes cool with texting so i wanna be friends. apparently thats not possible after there was an attraction? *shrugs* And they say men are straight forward. I have yet to meet a girl as openminded as me. The only one close is of course lauren and well...michelle. She still talks to me! shes mature about me being awkward cause i got nervous on the date cause she looks like a fucking supermodel. I was sweating one and i found it so sexy that she wiped my sweat off my forehead with her hands and wiped it on her pants....idk why but i want a girl that can be a dude but a beautiful feminine dude with a vagina and tits....does that make sense? Someone i can joke with and be comfortable with like i am with doug and chris.
Chris walked into the bathroom ad closed the door while i was standing outside charging my phone. I heard him make a soft grunt then all i heard after that was shit hitting the bottom of the bowl for a straight 3 mins..it was fucking disgusting lmfao but it was so funny. thats something dudes do. And i enjoy those awkward moments haha cause i accept thefact that im an awkward person...apparently i remind all my friends of rifeki from lion king...shrugs*
anywho what else? idk ive been meditating lately, sometimes sucessfully. Other times i just fall asleep. I think its another reason why im so bitter about life. I need to either smoke or meditate...thats why i smoke. But both of them make me short tempered so i need to choose one hahaha cause thinking just makes me realize how fucked up the world and i am.
Any
I'm travelling on, far and wide
But now it seems
I'm just a stranger to myself
And all the things I sometimes do
It isn't me but someone else
I close my eyes and think of home
Another city goes by in the night
Ain't it funny how it is
You never miss it 'til it's gone away
And my heart is lying there
And will be 'til my dying day
So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years
Too much time on my hands
I got you on my mind
Can't ease this pain, so easily
When you can't find the words to say
It's hard to make it through another day
And it makes me want to cry
And throw my hands up to the sky
So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years
So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years
So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years
So ive been having internal conflicts alot recently. Which is why my blogs are very short and a bit more surfacey than id prefer. I dont like blogging about ideas that im not sure about. But i told myself id blog about the sole fact that im going through this cause it is a huge problem. There are two sides to me and i cant shake it. One side of me is the smiling self that everyone sees and recognizes when they are sober. But when drunk high or here and there when im sober, ive become very bitter at life. When i walk into a group and introduce myself i cant focus cause for some reason i pick up on little body language that shows there might be a possibility they dislike me. Which is wrong, i know it is. Idk what my roblem is but im damned convinced at the given moment, which is why i have become all the more awkward with people and i literally just leave.
For example, i was suppose to go to this group meeting cause chris is trying to start a pakouring group. Everyone showed up to support except me...the night of it was so awkward cause i got out of work and they were like oh hey meet me at kenmore. I call him when im at kenmore and he's like oh ill call you back. Then i call kat and kat is like im at kendall. and so right when i get to kendall i call chris and hes like oh were all at mission hill heading to gordons. so i just fuckin go home. Screw it. ehh there ends up being a story afterward but i feel as if regardless, it was bullshit cause they couldnt have traveled so far so fast. idk
On another sad note. Im just going to talk as if im thomas from the old blog really quick because this is a memorable moment.. So after lacking so much sleep ive come to realize i literally cant like anyone anymore. It wasnt until i was sitting in a room at night baked, sleepless just like the last many nights where the name "michelle" hit my head then bam, i pass out and ive been struggling to catch up on my sleep ever since cause i have so much to do. I passed out because it hit me like an epiphany why i have been lacking so much sleep. Me lacking sleep caused me to lack more sleeping thinking of why im lacking sleep. and this vicious cycle last until i understand the source of it all. haha This comes to show how i express my feelings for others. Its literally impossible to show. aint that some shit? haha well *shrugs* oh well, cant do anything about it. ahha
So i was smoking a cig today with my buddy and we were talking about smoking, and how it really just carves its way into your life. I feel like if i dont put my foot down asap then itll be stuck with me for the rest of my life..Maybe its fate that i become as cranky and bitter as my father. Who woulda known it would be cigs that would be the death of me. Bittersweet. I refuse to be like my father. Short tempered, egoistic and loud. Only thing that was good about him is he seriously knows how to get shit done.
As you can tell im hopelessly bitter about life right now but seeing lauren and having a happy day with michelle did light it up. michelle is this 25 year old that has a wonderful sense of humor, good at pool, down to earth, and absolutely beautiful. I believe i fucked it up long ago though...but shes mature enough to see past this and laugh with me and play pool with me every so often :].
What else? Im burying alot right now i can feel it...the insomnia wasnt just because of the girl..that would be insane because if anything thats the most emotion ive ever shown for a girl hahaha. But ummm idk nate..I talked to him yesturday cause he came up to me when i was playing a game of pool and i told him a bullshit story i shit out on the spot just to give it closer i said "you know, just to make this clear..ive been ignoring you not because im still mad at you, thats in the past. Its just that i see even aquiantances as friends and friends trust each other on at least some level. I dont trust you at all, so i thought it would be best not to talk to you. I looked at you and debated whether or not i should start a conversation again but then i thought, you know...im better off without you because there is a big possibility that you might do it again." He tried to laugh it off and say "well, she did come onto me first" and i laughed and in my head i said..yeah and you were a fuckin dbag i want to floor. haha But there..honest bro closure thats how you do it men. You be honest but one way or another you have to forgive him. Life is too short to hold grudges. Either punch him or dont. I actually dont feel like punching him when i see him so i drop it. But the names Nate and Ben offically put a foul taste in my mouth.
Lets see what else. BULKING TIME!!! getting my protein soon and shit im going to get ripped. im fuckin stoked.
So as i excpected, i was talking to 3 girls a month ago and they all dropped off either they werent my type i wasnt theirs or i fucked up ahha but thats okay cause now im talking to a new several. *shrugs* i think my problem is i talk to too many girls..thats why i cant get any. haha but like...every time the new group of girls cycles through i can assure you at least ONE is just a gold digger or just flirt just to feel loved. Soooo fuck i thought men as fucked up. I mean i do the same but shit...at least im open to possibilities. you wanna be fuck buddies? sure. friends? why not i love friends. couple? give me a kiss. as long as youre cool enough and we get close enough friends wise. you know what most girls do though? they get AWKWARD. awkward turtle. Like this girl says she doesnt want a relationship fine w/e shes cool and shes cool with texting so i wanna be friends. apparently thats not possible after there was an attraction? *shrugs* And they say men are straight forward. I have yet to meet a girl as openminded as me. The only one close is of course lauren and well...michelle. She still talks to me! shes mature about me being awkward cause i got nervous on the date cause she looks like a fucking supermodel. I was sweating one and i found it so sexy that she wiped my sweat off my forehead with her hands and wiped it on her pants....idk why but i want a girl that can be a dude but a beautiful feminine dude with a vagina and tits....does that make sense? Someone i can joke with and be comfortable with like i am with doug and chris.
Chris walked into the bathroom ad closed the door while i was standing outside charging my phone. I heard him make a soft grunt then all i heard after that was shit hitting the bottom of the bowl for a straight 3 mins..it was fucking disgusting lmfao but it was so funny. thats something dudes do. And i enjoy those awkward moments haha cause i accept thefact that im an awkward person...apparently i remind all my friends of rifeki from lion king...shrugs*
anywho what else? idk ive been meditating lately, sometimes sucessfully. Other times i just fall asleep. I think its another reason why im so bitter about life. I need to either smoke or meditate...thats why i smoke. But both of them make me short tempered so i need to choose one hahaha cause thinking just makes me realize how fucked up the world and i am.
Any
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