men

After typing last nights post i just cant help but think, i wonder when or if ill ever be that firm masuline figure we define as a man or a proper father figure today. Im not going to lie, i read between the lines so much that i dont exactly come off as the person that has just one indisputable perspective. Maybe thats a problem. Maybe that shows im doing something wrong. I mean dont get me wrong i sure can lead a group and they asked ive done it many times before, im known as a entj. extroverted intuitive thinking and judgemental person, its a national personality test. ENTJ has been nicknamed the "executive" person, one that can move groups and handle pressure by the horns and make it work my way ahah. anywho there is something about me im not happy about i dont like how i try to make everything so special or different or give it a new name or read into things so much. I notice i do this and because of my anger from the last post i slapped myself. Fuck philosophy and fuck this blog. Honestly, this is me im not going to lie but the way i look at things is so unnecessary haha. I forget sometimes that maybe im awkward not because im forced into an awkward setting, but because i look into things far too much, habitually. I bet in a couple days ill revert back to my old self cause ive honestly been trained to do so my entire life. Everyone says "just be yourself" but that is not what i should be haha i should be more accepting and more idk, more laid back, and not laid back thinking because im very laidback..but humm..enjoy life for what it is and dont make it out to be more than what it should be laid back.

Me and my sister talked recently and we established that my maturity level is more meant for the late 20's. Not really into small talk really just date, okay youre awesome lets get married haha. I dont like smalltalk, always hated it, thats probably why it was so easy to rid myself of talking. Small talk leads to long drawn out conversations about nothingness that apparently girls love...well everyone loves. Being able to communicate and display thoughts is a must have in life and if im going to fail at school, i better fucking excel in talking. Im not going to get out and start conversating again, im not that okay cause my ego needs a boost up again first haha but i feel more confident about myself...again.

I was jealous today of this guy, i saw him approach a girl and talk to her by saying "did you see that guy sitting there? he looked ridiculous" and after that they talked for three whole fucking hours and going...idk if i could ever do that with anyone. haha well i have before but yeah i was jealous.

Which brings me to girls. Why do you insist on giving guys only one chance and making sure its all lowkey and awkward when you lost interest in him and stop talking to him? this isnt towards me its for a friend cause he was really into this girl and she just stops talking to him out of the blue. It happened to me several times in the past. Shit, thats so damn rude and everyone that knows me knows that my #1 petpev is ignoring. i cant fucking STAND it when people ignore me thats why i actually want to apologize to nate for ignoring him for the first half of the semester idk what came over me that was extremely hypocritical of me. How i see it is there is only 1 world. Sure you meet new people but everyone you meet, if not a complete douchebag or dangerous or detrimental to your well-being , has made an impact on you whether you realize it or not. Please give them the gratitude they deserve for making you who you are. Im just saying, thats why Americans are so stupid, lack of communication or just plan ignorance and thats mostly due to a lack of communication. fucking SPEAK your MIND. seriously.

Anywho what else? i feel great! didnt smoke with kanji glad i didnt. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS! YOURE FUCKING 21! hopefully after college i can read my blog and flip back to middler year and lol after i go party it up with you this holloween. I love my friends. I love my family. I feel like im myself again :]. haha

Im effective immediately going to lower my smoke count...actually these past couple of days ive smoked no more than 4 times a day since i leave my house after 5pm...there really isnt enough time for more than that haha cigs take time you know.

Ive stopped going to the gym and thats really bad but it was mostly cause my muscles just werent cooperating there was too much on my mind so i couldnt bench heavy weights but now i wanna say im ready

I wanna fucking deck out my longboard too, winter is coming near and my longboard is still naked OHS NOES haha that MUST be fixed.

I need to be a bigger and better man....i need to practice blogging less philosophically, trying to figure out whats wrong with me and more...whats up. I need to practice holding conversations again. Thats something that cannot be recovered without practice. I need more where when what or how and less why

Like for instance im going to pull out a random topic like 9gag. Ive been addicted to that fucking website! i love it! its so halarious and i share links on my facebook all the time haha. Some of the comics are sexy, others are downright true and funny, then theres very interesting videos about like...there was this one dude that chiseled fucking the entire alphebet on separate tips of lead pencils. think the tip itself being the shape of an A and the two bottom legs being the wood or he got it so that the tip was long enough and chiseled chain links so the tip was actually two tinyyy links of lead. brillant. call it photoshopped i wish i saved the picture but it was freakin interesting lol.

My sisters are going to las vegas in several hours, both of them are running around the fucking house with their boobs hanging out cause theyre changing and packing and idk what but i forgot how many times ive asked them to put on a shirt haha. *facepalm*

Ive been watching this tv series called the walking dead recently its sooo interesting i cant wait for them to air new episodes. umm i can keep going on and on about my life now...but i feel like i should sleep i actually been feeling exhausted more and more early, like my body was recovering as a whole this entire time...cause now...like i said chapters end and my friends are what they were when i left it and my sleeping schedule is back in order..how coincidental. My life feels perfect right now. Hopefully shit doesnt fuck up.

Ive also been dipping into religion lolol this should be interesting..holy shit if i become religious the whole world will turn upside down and our sun might just explode haha but hey well see.