Bittersweet

From the coast of gold, across the seven seas
I'm travelling on, far and wide
But now it seems
I'm just a stranger to myself
And all the things I sometimes do
It isn't me but someone else

I close my eyes and think of home
Another city goes by in the night
Ain't it funny how it is
You never miss it 'til it's gone away
And my heart is lying there
And will be 'til my dying day

So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years

Too much time on my hands
I got you on my mind
Can't ease this pain, so easily
When you can't find the words to say
It's hard to make it through another day
And it makes me want to cry
And throw my hands up to the sky

So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years

So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years

So understand
Don't waste your time
Always searching for those wasted years
Face up...make your stand
And realize you're living in the golden years

So ive been having internal conflicts alot recently. Which is why my blogs are very short and a bit more surfacey than id prefer. I dont like blogging about ideas that im not sure about. But i told myself id blog about the sole fact that im going through this cause it is a huge problem. There are two sides to me and i cant shake it. One side of me is the smiling self that everyone sees and recognizes when they are sober. But when drunk high or here and there when im sober, ive become very bitter at life. When i walk into a group and introduce myself i cant focus cause for some reason i pick up on little body language that shows there might be a possibility they dislike me. Which is wrong, i know it is. Idk what my roblem is but im damned convinced at the given moment, which is why i have become all the more awkward with people and i literally just leave.

For example, i was suppose to go to this group meeting cause chris is trying to start a pakouring group. Everyone showed up to support except me...the night of it was so awkward cause i got out of work and they were like oh hey meet me at kenmore. I call him when im at kenmore and he's like oh ill call you back. Then i call kat and kat is like im at kendall. and so right when i get to kendall i call chris and hes like oh were all at mission hill heading to gordons. so i just fuckin go home. Screw it. ehh there ends up being a story afterward but i feel as if regardless, it was bullshit cause they couldnt have traveled so far so fast. idk

On another sad note. Im just going to talk as if im thomas from the old blog really quick because this is a memorable moment.. So after lacking so much sleep ive come to realize i literally cant like anyone anymore. It wasnt until i was sitting in a room at night baked, sleepless just like the last many nights where the name "michelle" hit my head then bam, i pass out and ive been struggling to catch up on my sleep ever since cause i have so much to do. I passed out because it hit me like an epiphany why i have been lacking so much sleep. Me lacking sleep caused me to lack more sleeping thinking of why im lacking sleep. and this vicious cycle last until i understand the source of it all. haha This comes to show how i express my feelings for others. Its literally impossible to show. aint that some shit? haha well *shrugs* oh well, cant do anything about it. ahha

So i was smoking a cig today with my buddy and we were talking about smoking, and how it really just carves its way into your life. I feel like if i dont put my foot down asap then itll be stuck with me for the rest of my life..Maybe its fate that i become as cranky and bitter as my father. Who woulda known it would be cigs that would be the death of me. Bittersweet. I refuse to be like my father. Short tempered, egoistic and loud. Only thing that was good about him is he seriously knows how to get shit done.

As you can tell im hopelessly bitter about life right now but seeing lauren and having a happy day with michelle did light it up. michelle is this 25 year old that has a wonderful sense of humor, good at pool, down to earth, and absolutely beautiful. I believe i fucked it up long ago though...but shes mature enough to see past this and laugh with me and play pool with me every so often :].

What else? Im burying alot right now i can feel it...the insomnia wasnt just because of the girl..that would be insane because if anything thats the most emotion ive ever shown for a girl hahaha. But ummm idk nate..I talked to him yesturday cause he came up to me when i was playing a game of pool and i told him a bullshit story i shit out on the spot just to give it closer i said "you know, just to make this clear..ive been ignoring you not because im still mad at you, thats in the past. Its just that i see even aquiantances as friends and friends trust each other on at least some level. I dont trust you at all, so i thought it would be best not to talk to you. I looked at you and debated whether or not i should start a conversation again but then i thought, you know...im better off without you because there is a big possibility that you might do it again." He tried to laugh it off and say "well, she did come onto me first" and i laughed and in my head i said..yeah and you were a fuckin dbag i want to floor. haha But there..honest bro closure thats how you do it men. You be honest but one way or another you have to forgive him. Life is too short to hold grudges. Either punch him or dont. I actually dont feel like punching him when i see him so i drop it. But the names Nate and Ben offically put a foul taste in my mouth.

Lets see what else. BULKING TIME!!! getting my protein soon and shit im going to get ripped. im fuckin stoked.

So as i excpected, i was talking to 3 girls a month ago and they all dropped off either they werent my type i wasnt theirs or i fucked up ahha but thats okay cause now im talking to a new several. *shrugs* i think my problem is i talk to too many girls..thats why i cant get any. haha but like...every time the new group of girls cycles through i can assure you at least ONE is just a gold digger or just flirt just to feel loved. Soooo fuck i thought men as fucked up. I mean i do the same but shit...at least im open to possibilities. you wanna be fuck buddies? sure. friends? why not i love friends. couple? give me a kiss. as long as youre cool enough and we get close enough friends wise. you know what most girls do though? they get AWKWARD. awkward turtle. Like this girl says she doesnt want a relationship fine w/e shes cool and shes cool with texting so i wanna be friends. apparently thats not possible after there was an attraction? *shrugs* And they say men are straight forward. I have yet to meet a girl as openminded as me. The only one close is of course lauren and well...michelle. She still talks to me! shes mature about me being awkward cause i got nervous on the date cause she looks like a fucking supermodel. I was sweating one and i found it so sexy that she wiped my sweat off my forehead with her hands and wiped it on her pants....idk why but i want a girl that can be a dude but a beautiful feminine dude with a vagina and tits....does that make sense? Someone i can joke with and be comfortable with like i am with doug and chris.

Chris walked into the bathroom ad closed the door while i was standing outside charging my phone. I heard him make a soft grunt then all i heard after that was shit hitting the bottom of the bowl for a straight 3 mins..it was fucking disgusting lmfao but it was so funny. thats something dudes do. And i enjoy those awkward moments haha cause i accept thefact that im an awkward person...apparently i remind all my friends of rifeki from lion king...shrugs*

anywho what else? idk ive been meditating lately, sometimes sucessfully. Other times i just fall asleep. I think its another reason why im so bitter about life. I need to either smoke or meditate...thats why i smoke. But both of them make me short tempered so i need to choose one hahaha cause thinking just makes me realize how fucked up the world and i am.

Any