Me being bilinguals, its most interesting to study the difference in proverbs and vocabulary available. It really makes such a difference on the people. I mean americans and mexicans are the most violent and well chaotic people cause we have the word FUCK or in spanish, chingo(chingas). What im trying to get at is English has a proverb that many other languages dont have. "The Grass is greener on the other side" Its one of the most well known lines spoken in the english language but why? Why do we insist that happiness is always elsewhere? This phrase naturally becomes instilled in our heads as i am sure it is with you as much as it was with i.
This is me saying FUCK that shit. I will make the ground i stand on so that i make my life awesome.
Edit
So i was going through a huge faze of depression and all that bullshit up there was leading me to say that i wanted to be with lin. In reality weve talked about it casually, because we all know she likes more more than a fuckbuddy already..but im willing to give her a chance because she accepts me for exactly who i am, and is attracted by it.
For some strange reason my friend was reading me his essay and i was listening but i realized i was getting really tired at a fuckin exponential rate. It was then that i fell into a lucid dream except this dream was different. im sure it was in the future, i look down at my attire and i disgusting khakis on and a hoodie and idk. I was in the slums and i was homeless. This lady came into my dream and told me that this is exactly how my life will become if i dont sharpen up. The most memorable part of the dream was the dimsum left in my pocket. It was all i had to eat and i have 5 of them that i portioned. I remember i bought more food but i was so unhealthy in the dream. I asked the woman who she was and she said she was my guardian and shes been trying to reach me for years, but my head has been too drowned in thoughts to hear her. I would walk around and continue seeing her around as i struggled, gradually she told me the whole story, which i forgot by the time i woke up but the message that did get through to me is something im doing right now is very wrong. I remember there was so much knowledge fed to me that i woke up right from "rem sleep" without any break, i opened my eyes and saw where i was and was like...its still so fresh..and i knew she was calling me back to tell me more so all i did was put my head down and close my eyes again and i went straight back to the lucid dream. I wish i could remember what we talked about. Something tells me that wasnt any slum but it was how the inside of my head looks right now. It looks disgusting, crime at large and tight dark allies made up the city. It was mostly made from debris or what seemed like scraps of wood/steel. The people were dying everywhere and there was this one place that was comfortable to me. I remember asking her if i was dreaming or meditating after i dived back in but i dont remember the response. It was the most graphic environment ive ever been in during a lucid dream.
I wish i can remember more, which is why i intend to smoke soon, i havent smoked in a long time and i passed up on three/ four times when my friends were smoking just because i know that insanity is like that scary face in the window when you casually pull up the curtains, always there..always waiting for me to be vunerable. Maybe ill have a really bad trip but i intend to dive right in and figure out what she was trying to tell me. I felt a connection to that place and idk why the environment seemed so familar but im sure it doesnt exist anywhere in the world. Hopefully this time i wont get ripped to shreds like i did last time..i need a place where i can smoke alone and noone can affect me.
After she left me in my dream alone i walked around a bit more, trying to memorize the place as much as possible to blog about it later but it was impossible..so opened my eyes again, feeling as if i never slept, i just stood right up and left..even though i realized that i was actually knocked out for a good 4 hours on a table. How strange..it began like a spontaneous nap but worked like a intense session of meditation. Usually after waking up you need at least several seconds to adjust your sight your vocals and the feeling in your arms and legs, get your heart beat going but i didnt need any of that.
A wise man once told me that every person has 4 guardians, this woman makes the second encounter. The first encounter was almost the same idk much of anything from it except that it was a tall man in a trenchcoat and a beard, a old white man. They come and go through the years...only making appearances at the most dire times in my life. I wonder if they purposely use such detailed environments in order to keep the mind working so that they can work in mystery cause thats what happened 5 years ago too, a month after i lsot my memory. zzzidk but im not doing anything until i figure out wtf my head is trying to tell me
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
There it goes again.
Today i was laying with...Lets give her a nickname..Im going to call her Lin. Idk what it is with the girls and L's but man this is a streak. I was just chilling today and she called me a flirt before, i brushed it off cause i thought she was joking and i responded by saying "Im not a flirt, flirt makes me sound like i dont care who im with, im just a guy that compliments those ho deserve it." I can tell she sat on that cause she brought it up today again and was like..question and im like..okay. shes like how many girls have you been with? and im like...dot dot dot. Not many why? and shes like cause you seem like the type that would attract alot of girls. and im like "are you asking me whether or not im seeing someone besides you? cause i am, your mom OOH" and shes hits me and was like nah its just that you seem to come off as a player to me. Player. Goddamnit. idk if i should take that as a compliment or an insult but now im starting to think...okay something about me is making me come off as someone everyone would like...but noone does. Why arent these lines meeting up? is it because of the fact that i come off as a player that i cant get any, cause the girl already assumes i have another? Regardless i dont see how that happens or how i come off as a player. haha and whether or not i am actually a player shes still with me...why? I dont understand but idc haha.
Moving along dan is sleeping at loris place tonight. I dont give a shit! i got over it a couple days ago, im just going to have to limit my talking with dan. what else? my longboard will be back! with randalls! new feel and fresh as shit im excited
Moving along dan is sleeping at loris place tonight. I dont give a shit! i got over it a couple days ago, im just going to have to limit my talking with dan. what else? my longboard will be back! with randalls! new feel and fresh as shit im excited
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Your lost
I understand. that is all Thanks to dan dinh REP to the bro code.*toast* to being a man with a plan
Edit:
So ive lied..today is the hardest day ever for me. insanity has taken me and i cant deal anymore. Fuck this shit.
Edit:
So ive lied..today is the hardest day ever for me. insanity has taken me and i cant deal anymore. Fuck this shit.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Of Visions and Sounds
I honestly believe himym, for the last two seasons have narrated my life almost on point every time i watched it. Idk either be barney or ted in every instance. Barney being the sensitive and lost but player or ted the awkward but clever forever alone guy. Maybe for once himym caught up and is actually ahead. I hope. I figured out the reason why lbg acted so strange these past few days...she actually found a new boyfriend. No sweat i told you i was over it but it just so happens in the show the same thing happened to ted. Someone that was meant for him actually wasnt and he walks outside and its raining, thats when new beginnings happen haha. Im not putting anyone on a pedistal nor am i feinding to find someone new cause i could honestly care less. But something about my wanting to watch himym and the episode relating perfectly just lines up so well...maybe this time im getting a clear omen. A omen in itself is very exciting, because i do believe in unspoken worldly hints as well as miracles. I walked outside just now as well, and it was raining. Little things, at least in my life, arent coincidence, they never are.
Let me put it this way, if anything happens...i told you so. Thats all. Even if nothing happens so what? i feel good right now, i feel productive.
Most is thanks to me wearing a suit waking up beside a girl and the music i listen to. Have i ever done a post on music? i know ive done many blogpost about music but ive never isolated music, and spoke about it in a way that it intertwines with my life.
I started off listening to bands such as 50 cent and Eminem and linkin park. That was in 6th-7th grade. By 8th grade I was listening to rock. Once i high school i dropped all rap music and switched to rock. Thats when i found Atreyu and Avenged Sevenfold, My first two metal bands ever in 9th grade. From 9th grade to 10th grade i got very deep into metal and emo music. Saosin, underoath, and first to last, my chemical romance. By the middle of 9th grade i dove head first into slipknot and was obsessed with them for a whole year maybe more. They were the only thing angry enough to contain my anger and i pretty much listened to them all day aside from the occassional atreyu. I still dabbed in emo music but it was dropped by 11th grade and i stopped listening to atreyu as well, well i always liked them actually but there was a really long period of time i didnt listen to them for. In 11th grade i got into cradle of filth and listened to them for a half year and moving to older tracks. I was listening to older bands such as metallica, iron maiden, guns and roses and many glam rock bands by senior year. I also started getting into slow music. In senior year i began listening to more instrumental music such as steve vai and led zepplin and i was already listening to some indie music. I think my first indie band was the strokes. In freshman i was completely indie. I listened to the strokes, and then i found many other bands including interpol. I listened to lame indie music for a good year..i mean it took a good year and some just to overplay strokes. Sophmore year i began to get back into hiphop and dubstep came out! i was listening to alot more. now its the third year and i also found dream theater and many other progressive songs. Now im listening to everything, i was blasting lil wayne not two seconds ago, along with regge and joe satriani. So many different genres!
I always said i wish i could properly make a timeline of the music i listen to because that would illustrate my life so nicely. If i just simply kept a journal of the date and the name of the song i most enjoyed throughout the years i could read the lyrics and it would tell my life story, and it would be a sad one. Well ive been dragging this post on for far too long so ttyl!
Edit:
I remembered that actually listing the stages of music i went through wasnt my goal for the blogpost, and i now remember what i really want to say. haha i screwed up cause its been really hard for me to blog and many times just to give myself a break ill change the tab and leave the blogpost undone for hours or even days, it really messed up my train of thought.
I meant to go about sounds in a more definitive way. Instead of just throwing out band names, which honestly aside from atreyu and the strokes, mean nothing to me. Its a matter of how all these bands helped me on a more genre-related level. I was very angry, causing me to listen to slipknot. After slipknot was many other metal bands as well. Metal is a huge part of my life. Its beautiful but its chaotic, like the flow of yang chi. If you FEEL the instrumentals of the most angry bands like early slipknot Youll understand the complete chaos but melody that lies behind it. Like Joe Satriani's mind storm. You could catagorize him as a metal guitarist and its absolutely amazing. After metal came a more smooth period of my life, Because i didnt know who i was so it was just like what indie music is like, calming but upbeat and still, subliminally uplifting.
Why is music so important to me though? This question baffled even old thomas, which wanted to remove music as well from my life because he was so obsessed with the idea of being free. That goes into a completely different part of my past i could write PAGES on but only lasted about a month after i lost my memory. but i wanted to release myself of the enjoyment of music because old self believed that It became my religion, no longer was i looking for the music but the music was looking for me. Id just so happen to find new bands at the end of a chapter in my life that matched the changes perfectly. I felt as if i was falling back on music and i so no basis to that. There is no reason why man should love music so much, because you can relate? By the time i lost my memory i was pure atheist and i was damned if i recieved any support whatsoever but unexplained patterns. Id rather go insane than live to see music become what i believe in when all else fails. I stopped myself and glad i did because now i really enjoy the music i listen to, and im so fucking grateful for it.
My philosophical self still cannot grasp the understanding of WHY, WHY does a song i can relate to make my heart feel warmer than any female has? why do i listen to the same songs OVER AND OVER for YEARS. I still listen to Atreyu! its been 7 years. Aside from one album i listen to all their music and they made a BEST OF ATREYU album just to thank the fans before they tried selling out! what a amazing band :] Actually the part about me "being free" i dont want to get too deep into it but i feel like atreyu understood me COMPLETELY Listen to Atreyu- Creature and if you can actually say you can even decipher it then good for you, you understand me haha good luck reading the lyrics and if you can understand Creature then move to tracks from Atreyu like Dilated. Great track. But the metal music helps distract me from my thoughts. And the indie music coaxs it, on a grand scale.
Dan, you go for lGB. Theyre building a great relationship and she said shes not coming to boston to rock climb with me but shes going to a pi party and beerfest instead. You know what thats fine. FUCK HER. shes gunna go for dan then she doesnt know the bro code so shes not worthy for me anyways. Dans driving up to amherst this weekend, im not going. I just want to see if this works out because if it does then great, literally and figuratively, fuck her. It was always awkward with me and her. I lost my chance. I figured out in order to win over a girl you have to break the sexual tension immediately. Thats why i fucked up with every girl except my new cuddle buddy and the others ive been with. Thats the difference. I get it now. fuck you. seriously. *flips table* im done. im going to drink it up this weekend and have fun with Chris and doug and my neu group cause i know theyre here for me. Dan is too but like what i wasnt, hes an opportunist. My heart hurts, but im a changed man no longer will females hurt me..ever again. I fucking swear of it, and i know becareful of what you wish for and ive taken many consequences but id be damned if i ever get fucked over again. i just went all out on dans wall and made a indent..felt great. my knucle, being permanently bruised, actually doesnt feel a thing...getting trashed tonight
Let me put it this way, if anything happens...i told you so. Thats all. Even if nothing happens so what? i feel good right now, i feel productive.
Most is thanks to me wearing a suit waking up beside a girl and the music i listen to. Have i ever done a post on music? i know ive done many blogpost about music but ive never isolated music, and spoke about it in a way that it intertwines with my life.
I started off listening to bands such as 50 cent and Eminem and linkin park. That was in 6th-7th grade. By 8th grade I was listening to rock. Once i high school i dropped all rap music and switched to rock. Thats when i found Atreyu and Avenged Sevenfold, My first two metal bands ever in 9th grade. From 9th grade to 10th grade i got very deep into metal and emo music. Saosin, underoath, and first to last, my chemical romance. By the middle of 9th grade i dove head first into slipknot and was obsessed with them for a whole year maybe more. They were the only thing angry enough to contain my anger and i pretty much listened to them all day aside from the occassional atreyu. I still dabbed in emo music but it was dropped by 11th grade and i stopped listening to atreyu as well, well i always liked them actually but there was a really long period of time i didnt listen to them for. In 11th grade i got into cradle of filth and listened to them for a half year and moving to older tracks. I was listening to older bands such as metallica, iron maiden, guns and roses and many glam rock bands by senior year. I also started getting into slow music. In senior year i began listening to more instrumental music such as steve vai and led zepplin and i was already listening to some indie music. I think my first indie band was the strokes. In freshman i was completely indie. I listened to the strokes, and then i found many other bands including interpol. I listened to lame indie music for a good year..i mean it took a good year and some just to overplay strokes. Sophmore year i began to get back into hiphop and dubstep came out! i was listening to alot more. now its the third year and i also found dream theater and many other progressive songs. Now im listening to everything, i was blasting lil wayne not two seconds ago, along with regge and joe satriani. So many different genres!
I always said i wish i could properly make a timeline of the music i listen to because that would illustrate my life so nicely. If i just simply kept a journal of the date and the name of the song i most enjoyed throughout the years i could read the lyrics and it would tell my life story, and it would be a sad one. Well ive been dragging this post on for far too long so ttyl!
Edit:
I remembered that actually listing the stages of music i went through wasnt my goal for the blogpost, and i now remember what i really want to say. haha i screwed up cause its been really hard for me to blog and many times just to give myself a break ill change the tab and leave the blogpost undone for hours or even days, it really messed up my train of thought.
I meant to go about sounds in a more definitive way. Instead of just throwing out band names, which honestly aside from atreyu and the strokes, mean nothing to me. Its a matter of how all these bands helped me on a more genre-related level. I was very angry, causing me to listen to slipknot. After slipknot was many other metal bands as well. Metal is a huge part of my life. Its beautiful but its chaotic, like the flow of yang chi. If you FEEL the instrumentals of the most angry bands like early slipknot Youll understand the complete chaos but melody that lies behind it. Like Joe Satriani's mind storm. You could catagorize him as a metal guitarist and its absolutely amazing. After metal came a more smooth period of my life, Because i didnt know who i was so it was just like what indie music is like, calming but upbeat and still, subliminally uplifting.
Why is music so important to me though? This question baffled even old thomas, which wanted to remove music as well from my life because he was so obsessed with the idea of being free. That goes into a completely different part of my past i could write PAGES on but only lasted about a month after i lost my memory. but i wanted to release myself of the enjoyment of music because old self believed that It became my religion, no longer was i looking for the music but the music was looking for me. Id just so happen to find new bands at the end of a chapter in my life that matched the changes perfectly. I felt as if i was falling back on music and i so no basis to that. There is no reason why man should love music so much, because you can relate? By the time i lost my memory i was pure atheist and i was damned if i recieved any support whatsoever but unexplained patterns. Id rather go insane than live to see music become what i believe in when all else fails. I stopped myself and glad i did because now i really enjoy the music i listen to, and im so fucking grateful for it.
My philosophical self still cannot grasp the understanding of WHY, WHY does a song i can relate to make my heart feel warmer than any female has? why do i listen to the same songs OVER AND OVER for YEARS. I still listen to Atreyu! its been 7 years. Aside from one album i listen to all their music and they made a BEST OF ATREYU album just to thank the fans before they tried selling out! what a amazing band :] Actually the part about me "being free" i dont want to get too deep into it but i feel like atreyu understood me COMPLETELY Listen to Atreyu- Creature and if you can actually say you can even decipher it then good for you, you understand me haha good luck reading the lyrics and if you can understand Creature then move to tracks from Atreyu like Dilated. Great track. But the metal music helps distract me from my thoughts. And the indie music coaxs it, on a grand scale.
Dan, you go for lGB. Theyre building a great relationship and she said shes not coming to boston to rock climb with me but shes going to a pi party and beerfest instead. You know what thats fine. FUCK HER. shes gunna go for dan then she doesnt know the bro code so shes not worthy for me anyways. Dans driving up to amherst this weekend, im not going. I just want to see if this works out because if it does then great, literally and figuratively, fuck her. It was always awkward with me and her. I lost my chance. I figured out in order to win over a girl you have to break the sexual tension immediately. Thats why i fucked up with every girl except my new cuddle buddy and the others ive been with. Thats the difference. I get it now. fuck you. seriously. *flips table* im done. im going to drink it up this weekend and have fun with Chris and doug and my neu group cause i know theyre here for me. Dan is too but like what i wasnt, hes an opportunist. My heart hurts, but im a changed man no longer will females hurt me..ever again. I fucking swear of it, and i know becareful of what you wish for and ive taken many consequences but id be damned if i ever get fucked over again. i just went all out on dans wall and made a indent..felt great. my knucle, being permanently bruised, actually doesnt feel a thing...getting trashed tonight
Monday, February 20, 2012
Rip to stitch
You have the ability to Bend and to make a difference without making a sound. By the look in your eye and the frown in your smile, Silence alone leaves an impression. You have the ability to trust therefore be trusted. This allows me to find the most worthy friends. I dont hesitate to bear fangs when approaching an objective in my life. This allows me, whether it be for the best or worst, make quick decisions then jump back and watch the magic happen.
Just like everyone in life, they learn things in order to subconsciously achieve their goal. Its best to be an all rounded person but maybe its in the characteristics i already have that i can find something that holds meaning to me, something like an obtainable goal. Idk im rather lost. But i do now realize the love i was looking for to finish my goal, doesnt exist. Not as long as i look for it, my cuddle buddy taught me that. Why? because shes a great girl..great in bed and communication and shes white so she and i have alot in common. But like i said, what holds meaning to me and how are we so much in common? Those two questions are not as far off as one would think. Besides Music i cant say anything is me, just experiences to make this blob of a person...drifting through. Its a problem with self confidence. Im not confident about anything about myself therefore i cannot market myself properly.
I realized ive been rather lost because everyone that i feel like remember who i am are gone..except colin but its hard to talk to him about things when everytime i feel like telling him something new i feel like hes going to finish his statement with a "I love you thomas, marry me"....YEah idk something about that just makes me twitch. Great guy though..haha.
The last time i smoked i felt like I was an empty shell, Insanity literally ripped me from who i thought i knew myself as. I suddenly because a very socially awkward guy. I felt as if everything i said was wrong and weird. Everytime i remained silent i was being awkward, and everything was just so awkward around me. I made a move on a girl on the bus cause she came up to me and doug..(i forgot where we were or where we were going)..but she asked us for a lighter and i gave her one and she was like wow this is a really nice lighter, can i keep it? and i was like sure. and she was like i dont want to steal your lighter id feel bad. so we kept discussing it cause she wanted to smoke but she didnt want to steal my lighter so i said. How about you give me your number and that way you can give me back my lighter whenever youre free? she gives me her number and the entire time im baked thinking, "I feel like such a tool wtf am i doing? dont you have enough stress already?" She ended up getting off the same stop as me so i got my lighter back but the entire time on the bus she was like you have no idea i might be mindfucking you. haha but hey in the end i got my lighter back and a probable number, that i didnt save. I feel like such a tool. Sure she was a pretty attractive female but she was also drunk and blonde and i need to raise my standards because im not going for a girl that would give out her numbr to a guy when hes stoned and shes drunk.
This experience was more traumatizing then amusing, i did not enjoy hitting on that girl or walking around high. I just wanted to go home and stop all interactions with everyone. But we were suppose to go to a party and i was just like ughhhh. well im better now but insanity is holding hands with me now, i have to watch where i fucking step. When i was baked i felt not only socially awkward but i felt like i was socially awkward because socializing was so pointless. I started getting engulfed and obsessed by the meaning of my life. Then remembered something, its the idea that each human life is so pointless. We are one in a hundred-more BILLION people. and were all on 1 planet..circling 1 sun but there are of TRILLION stars, these stars having BILLIONS OF TRILLIONS of plants and moons orbiting them. Do you really think humans will ever make a grand enough difference in the world? especially if half the country is still completely ignorant about gays, racism or just the simple fact that maybe some people dont believe in the same thing as you. That doesnt give you an excuse to stone, hang, or haze another. We are SO small in this world i dont understand why anyone deserves anything more than another on a moral scale.
That is why i wanted not go too far into meditation though, because its purpose is to understand the world by understanding yourself. There is a point where it is impossible to progress any further in meditation until you realize and accept how small of a factor you are in this world. I guess thats why i was so obsessed with that song "The world at large" by modest mouse.
Ive been listening to interpol and all their songs bring me into a wave of nostalgia. Especially since im trying to quit smoking, yes still lol, i remember just gliding along on my longboard and smoking a cig. Actually a started to really smoke listening to interpol freshman year. It also reminds me of the waterfront cause i used to go and just listen to interpol..alot of relaxing thoughts come with this band. I was listening to them with a sleeping bag over me last night and meditating. Really bad idea to meditate i know, but i have alot of anger i need to let out. Im already at that level where i can store anger and it works like a double edge blade. Store it and hurt yourself alot or spend it hurt others but dampen the pain and insanity i feel. yes..I fucking started going back down the route of yang. This path is going to be the death of me, i swear.
I had a sleepingbag drapped over my head and the energy was so powerful, i felt the sleepingbag move. as if the energy was pushing it outwards, then pulling it towards my body as i inhaled. I also felt it trying to lift off my head for a moment and i had to snap out of meditation because i thought there was someone behind me actually moving the sleeping bag. After i saw there wasnt i continued for well over 2 hours. Exhausted, i went to sleep. I slept for 12 hours and was still exhausted so i slept another 3 hours. This is the path of yang. It drains the body completely in exchange for instant mental strength and power. please someone help me..but i got this, just watch. Just because im angry doesnt mean im not happy. Like the wise man once said, "Those who laugh the hardest cry the most"
Well til the next time i lose a screw!
Edit:
Well that was fast it wasnt even 30 mins. fucking LGB...you know what type of girl that is? Woman. lol ughhh ARGGG GRRRRRR FUCK YOU, WORLD. i hate you. I hate you. HATE. YOU. lol. Im done, no seriously though i am. and you know its serious when i write in my blog saying the LGB chapter is officially over. now im single again...with a boar of a female at my bedside..a cool boar...but a boar nonetheless. sorry im bitter. I dont mean that. I just want LGB D: Lol Rawr! woosah okay im done haha.
Just like everyone in life, they learn things in order to subconsciously achieve their goal. Its best to be an all rounded person but maybe its in the characteristics i already have that i can find something that holds meaning to me, something like an obtainable goal. Idk im rather lost. But i do now realize the love i was looking for to finish my goal, doesnt exist. Not as long as i look for it, my cuddle buddy taught me that. Why? because shes a great girl..great in bed and communication and shes white so she and i have alot in common. But like i said, what holds meaning to me and how are we so much in common? Those two questions are not as far off as one would think. Besides Music i cant say anything is me, just experiences to make this blob of a person...drifting through. Its a problem with self confidence. Im not confident about anything about myself therefore i cannot market myself properly.
I realized ive been rather lost because everyone that i feel like remember who i am are gone..except colin but its hard to talk to him about things when everytime i feel like telling him something new i feel like hes going to finish his statement with a "I love you thomas, marry me"....YEah idk something about that just makes me twitch. Great guy though..haha.
The last time i smoked i felt like I was an empty shell, Insanity literally ripped me from who i thought i knew myself as. I suddenly because a very socially awkward guy. I felt as if everything i said was wrong and weird. Everytime i remained silent i was being awkward, and everything was just so awkward around me. I made a move on a girl on the bus cause she came up to me and doug..(i forgot where we were or where we were going)..but she asked us for a lighter and i gave her one and she was like wow this is a really nice lighter, can i keep it? and i was like sure. and she was like i dont want to steal your lighter id feel bad. so we kept discussing it cause she wanted to smoke but she didnt want to steal my lighter so i said. How about you give me your number and that way you can give me back my lighter whenever youre free? she gives me her number and the entire time im baked thinking, "I feel like such a tool wtf am i doing? dont you have enough stress already?" She ended up getting off the same stop as me so i got my lighter back but the entire time on the bus she was like you have no idea i might be mindfucking you. haha but hey in the end i got my lighter back and a probable number, that i didnt save. I feel like such a tool. Sure she was a pretty attractive female but she was also drunk and blonde and i need to raise my standards because im not going for a girl that would give out her numbr to a guy when hes stoned and shes drunk.
This experience was more traumatizing then amusing, i did not enjoy hitting on that girl or walking around high. I just wanted to go home and stop all interactions with everyone. But we were suppose to go to a party and i was just like ughhhh. well im better now but insanity is holding hands with me now, i have to watch where i fucking step. When i was baked i felt not only socially awkward but i felt like i was socially awkward because socializing was so pointless. I started getting engulfed and obsessed by the meaning of my life. Then remembered something, its the idea that each human life is so pointless. We are one in a hundred-more BILLION people. and were all on 1 planet..circling 1 sun but there are of TRILLION stars, these stars having BILLIONS OF TRILLIONS of plants and moons orbiting them. Do you really think humans will ever make a grand enough difference in the world? especially if half the country is still completely ignorant about gays, racism or just the simple fact that maybe some people dont believe in the same thing as you. That doesnt give you an excuse to stone, hang, or haze another. We are SO small in this world i dont understand why anyone deserves anything more than another on a moral scale.
That is why i wanted not go too far into meditation though, because its purpose is to understand the world by understanding yourself. There is a point where it is impossible to progress any further in meditation until you realize and accept how small of a factor you are in this world. I guess thats why i was so obsessed with that song "The world at large" by modest mouse.
Ive been listening to interpol and all their songs bring me into a wave of nostalgia. Especially since im trying to quit smoking, yes still lol, i remember just gliding along on my longboard and smoking a cig. Actually a started to really smoke listening to interpol freshman year. It also reminds me of the waterfront cause i used to go and just listen to interpol..alot of relaxing thoughts come with this band. I was listening to them with a sleeping bag over me last night and meditating. Really bad idea to meditate i know, but i have alot of anger i need to let out. Im already at that level where i can store anger and it works like a double edge blade. Store it and hurt yourself alot or spend it hurt others but dampen the pain and insanity i feel. yes..I fucking started going back down the route of yang. This path is going to be the death of me, i swear.
I had a sleepingbag drapped over my head and the energy was so powerful, i felt the sleepingbag move. as if the energy was pushing it outwards, then pulling it towards my body as i inhaled. I also felt it trying to lift off my head for a moment and i had to snap out of meditation because i thought there was someone behind me actually moving the sleeping bag. After i saw there wasnt i continued for well over 2 hours. Exhausted, i went to sleep. I slept for 12 hours and was still exhausted so i slept another 3 hours. This is the path of yang. It drains the body completely in exchange for instant mental strength and power. please someone help me..but i got this, just watch. Just because im angry doesnt mean im not happy. Like the wise man once said, "Those who laugh the hardest cry the most"
Well til the next time i lose a screw!
Edit:
Well that was fast it wasnt even 30 mins. fucking LGB...you know what type of girl that is? Woman. lol ughhh ARGGG GRRRRRR FUCK YOU, WORLD. i hate you. I hate you. HATE. YOU. lol. Im done, no seriously though i am. and you know its serious when i write in my blog saying the LGB chapter is officially over. now im single again...with a boar of a female at my bedside..a cool boar...but a boar nonetheless. sorry im bitter. I dont mean that. I just want LGB D: Lol Rawr! woosah okay im done haha.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Seven
My plan is to move. idk what that means to me but i felt like saying it. Whether that be literally or a figurative move but i cant stay. Plates have been shifting and the floor under me has crumbled. Ive maintained just enough stability to jump to the nearest drifting plate and sit there to see where it would take me. Its been several weeks..months as ive struggled in this chapter of my life. So i miss the days of walking around feeling productive and like im doing bigger and better things.
Life has been crazy, i cant stop thinking about lGB. Actually in the vain of losing her i slept with another :x. I feel really bad..It all happened pretty fast..she started talking to me cause shes on the dance team..then i went to several workshops..said hi..we started talking on fb chat alot then one night we were both up at 3 and i told her i was going to the convience store near her place. we chill that night in the library together from 3-7 talking flirting, she asks me back to her place at 7 after she thought her room mate was gone but she wasnt so i left right afterward. She messaged me the night of asking to grab dinner together and we do just that. After we hang out at her place..then after a couple laughs BAM! She just wants an open relationship so i guess itll work out. haha
Me and LGB continue to talk but idk, i never ask for more anymore from the people im actually interested in. Ive been listening to Modest mouse more lately. Such as "The World at Large", "The Whale Song", "Youre the Good Thing" and "Good Times are Killing Me". All are on loop right now. Theyre a really good band and i got into them almost instantly.
My life otherwise? rather dull, I've been looking for a job unsuccessfully. I lost my first fake last night at conors. Instead of going to conors, i smoked and chilled at mit. I wasnt interested in MIT because well, i was high and im now in both an open relationship and looking forward to LGB coming down to boston next weekend to rockclimb with me :x Then shes going to crash my my place. Mit was the last thing i needed, A place full of naked girls shaking their tits. I mean, great but i was just sitting there with doug kat and conor just talking instead. We were all being lazy stoners last night but it was great company. Tonight theres another rager at MIT and were expecting chris to join us and therefore an extra 20 people lol. Itll be more fun and well drink this time instead of smoke. That way id feel like dancing, even if i am just alone haha.
But yeah, being a douchebag is working lol. It takes a while to kick in because i have to wait until i meet someone new and then they notice the differences. Im not all too excited, im "working on my gains" as donvu would say. My idea of life has shifted greatly. Idk what that means either..i just lost my train of thought but i felt like saying it. Im just going with the flow.
I smoked from a vap for the first time last night. Ehh, i prefer using a grav bomb or something the high you get from vaps are much different, it just becomes the generic high and you just feel like being lazy. Theres no different twist to it or anything which makes different weed better than others. The vap should be used for bad weed because then itll just make it into a really strong generic high. Not a trippy high, or gay high, or funny high, or happy high...just high haha.
My friend has been trying to convince me to get involved in this amway business, but it looks like a pyramid scheme. For some reason due to the amount of trust i have for him and the 3 month money back guarantee its kinda hard to see the scam in it. I looked into his eyes and see nothing but honest words, and he has a reputation of being very trustworthy so its hard seeing him scam someone, but ive had coffee with him and still, he has a great poker face. Hes really trying to get me involved because im such a social butterfly and he sees that as a great asset to the business.
I hung out with my chi trainer again recently and wow, ive become so much more aware. When we just relax side by side i feel a synchronization and my chi just flows freely. I could feel the cold the warm waves of energy spin around my hands. I was also able to see auras, Which is a new skill to me. This experience was actually before my meeting with kayrun so i was looking for an aura, make a break in it to see if hes hiding anything but i saw a clear faint blue/ orange aura. That means he was happy but he was watching his mannerisms. Which is fine, i was looking for flares or breaks in it but that didnt happen. Meaning he was relaxed, calm minded and content. Ehh meditation, I shouldnt babble in it so much. It only leads to destruction for me. even my trainer noticed and i saw the dark red aura around me. Its such a rare thing to see, and honestly its quite scary, I see it right now, actually. Theres a red fog around my hands as i type, A assume its something i should get used to. Im just naturally always yang haha. I can turn blue or green or yellow but my relax state is pink haha. How strange.
Well im going to a family dinner so till next time.
Life has been crazy, i cant stop thinking about lGB. Actually in the vain of losing her i slept with another :x. I feel really bad..It all happened pretty fast..she started talking to me cause shes on the dance team..then i went to several workshops..said hi..we started talking on fb chat alot then one night we were both up at 3 and i told her i was going to the convience store near her place. we chill that night in the library together from 3-7 talking flirting, she asks me back to her place at 7 after she thought her room mate was gone but she wasnt so i left right afterward. She messaged me the night of asking to grab dinner together and we do just that. After we hang out at her place..then after a couple laughs BAM! She just wants an open relationship so i guess itll work out. haha
Me and LGB continue to talk but idk, i never ask for more anymore from the people im actually interested in. Ive been listening to Modest mouse more lately. Such as "The World at Large", "The Whale Song", "Youre the Good Thing" and "Good Times are Killing Me". All are on loop right now. Theyre a really good band and i got into them almost instantly.
My life otherwise? rather dull, I've been looking for a job unsuccessfully. I lost my first fake last night at conors. Instead of going to conors, i smoked and chilled at mit. I wasnt interested in MIT because well, i was high and im now in both an open relationship and looking forward to LGB coming down to boston next weekend to rockclimb with me :x Then shes going to crash my my place. Mit was the last thing i needed, A place full of naked girls shaking their tits. I mean, great but i was just sitting there with doug kat and conor just talking instead. We were all being lazy stoners last night but it was great company. Tonight theres another rager at MIT and were expecting chris to join us and therefore an extra 20 people lol. Itll be more fun and well drink this time instead of smoke. That way id feel like dancing, even if i am just alone haha.
But yeah, being a douchebag is working lol. It takes a while to kick in because i have to wait until i meet someone new and then they notice the differences. Im not all too excited, im "working on my gains" as donvu would say. My idea of life has shifted greatly. Idk what that means either..i just lost my train of thought but i felt like saying it. Im just going with the flow.
I smoked from a vap for the first time last night. Ehh, i prefer using a grav bomb or something the high you get from vaps are much different, it just becomes the generic high and you just feel like being lazy. Theres no different twist to it or anything which makes different weed better than others. The vap should be used for bad weed because then itll just make it into a really strong generic high. Not a trippy high, or gay high, or funny high, or happy high...just high haha.
My friend has been trying to convince me to get involved in this amway business, but it looks like a pyramid scheme. For some reason due to the amount of trust i have for him and the 3 month money back guarantee its kinda hard to see the scam in it. I looked into his eyes and see nothing but honest words, and he has a reputation of being very trustworthy so its hard seeing him scam someone, but ive had coffee with him and still, he has a great poker face. Hes really trying to get me involved because im such a social butterfly and he sees that as a great asset to the business.
I hung out with my chi trainer again recently and wow, ive become so much more aware. When we just relax side by side i feel a synchronization and my chi just flows freely. I could feel the cold the warm waves of energy spin around my hands. I was also able to see auras, Which is a new skill to me. This experience was actually before my meeting with kayrun so i was looking for an aura, make a break in it to see if hes hiding anything but i saw a clear faint blue/ orange aura. That means he was happy but he was watching his mannerisms. Which is fine, i was looking for flares or breaks in it but that didnt happen. Meaning he was relaxed, calm minded and content. Ehh meditation, I shouldnt babble in it so much. It only leads to destruction for me. even my trainer noticed and i saw the dark red aura around me. Its such a rare thing to see, and honestly its quite scary, I see it right now, actually. Theres a red fog around my hands as i type, A assume its something i should get used to. Im just naturally always yang haha. I can turn blue or green or yellow but my relax state is pink haha. How strange.
Well im going to a family dinner so till next time.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
The world at large
I cant type right now, ive lost my will to therefore i will post a song of the night.
Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.
Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well I'll float on maybe would you understand?
The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The day's get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.
I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?
The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.
I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.
Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.
Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well I'll float on maybe would you understand?
The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The day's get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.
I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?
The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.
I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Fucking spit in my face
Rage. So much rage. I have no more fucking patience for females any more or anyone that manages to fuck with my emotions Play with me one more fuckin time and watch me drop it like its hot. You mock me. You talk to me as if im a fool, someone only to ease your worries and use his money. Im not a fuckin nice guy anymore go take your shit and throw it out the window, and you along with it. Why am i still wasting time?
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Nets
Look into my eyes again and you might see a new person.This what i tend to tell people but to do this i have to further my hardships needlessly. I need to find a balance between life and finding glory in miniscule things. There is no glory when there is no food on the table. Glory? That word seems to be lost within the last...century. Why am i hellbent to find something that has no profit?
I sat down today and asked myself what i wanted to do with my life and what holds meaning to me. After my previous blogpost where i established that nothing has meaning to me, I thought its the first place i could look to find what ive been confused about. Before my life in itself held value, as well as happiness and love. Clearly, as shown from the past two post, even after all ive been through i would be most glad to put a pistol to my head. So its clearly not that, happiness is a fleeting emotion. I cannot look for it nor can i ask for it, therefore it cannot be something i live for, maybe something i cherish but if im willing to give my life why would an emotion hold any greater value than that? Then comes love, Love isnt an emotion its a passion that directly influences another. It holds no bounds but if hope and my ambitions have changed then that also becomes meaningless to me. I guess im a soldier. Idk I used to relate myself to a boxer, always getting up and always pushing forward. You cant see it, no one can except me. Its hard to explain and it honestly cant be comprehended. Maybe its because i know how it feels to be (sober and) completely hopeless literally laying in the dirt and feeling as if there is nowhere left to go, completely spent mentally and physically. Even though life keeps moving forward i have this idea in my head that the present could change everything, which is true, of course it changes everything but so does the future. The future can change you because even though you're going through shit you eat it because you know its not where you're suppose to be. Idk what taught me such black and white thoughts and why im obsessed with this idea of self-empowerment. I guess its because something in the past told me that if i can handle all types of shit then i will excel, regardless of the situation.
I live in a very fantasy world that does not require economy, politics, religion, education, productiveness, and the other things that make a man successful. My idea is that i live being who i am and i try to learn as much as possible but in a very quick and efficient way, one that doesnt require the idea of hard work, persistence, and consistency. I focus more so on fear, flaws and motivation. How to improve myself as a person and less on how to improve my life being the person i am. Why? idk. Its an interesting way of veiwing life that ive noticed to be very counter-productive in this day and age. I focus on bettering myself while the world conspires for miracles to happen in case i fail, which is a majority of the time due to my stubbornness. I refuse to grow up and take responsibilities or be the man that makes a difference. I am more of the type that feels the difference in more important when it originates from within. One path is easier and much less time is wasted, while the other achieves the same things but goes in a full circle before i learn anything.
Dont get me wrong though, i work fast so the extra efforts are only displayed through my actions as mistakes. I have so much uselessness going on that i dont focus and i slip up.
edit:
I sat down today and asked myself what i wanted to do with my life and what holds meaning to me. After my previous blogpost where i established that nothing has meaning to me, I thought its the first place i could look to find what ive been confused about. Before my life in itself held value, as well as happiness and love. Clearly, as shown from the past two post, even after all ive been through i would be most glad to put a pistol to my head. So its clearly not that, happiness is a fleeting emotion. I cannot look for it nor can i ask for it, therefore it cannot be something i live for, maybe something i cherish but if im willing to give my life why would an emotion hold any greater value than that? Then comes love, Love isnt an emotion its a passion that directly influences another. It holds no bounds but if hope and my ambitions have changed then that also becomes meaningless to me. I guess im a soldier. Idk I used to relate myself to a boxer, always getting up and always pushing forward. You cant see it, no one can except me. Its hard to explain and it honestly cant be comprehended. Maybe its because i know how it feels to be (sober and) completely hopeless literally laying in the dirt and feeling as if there is nowhere left to go, completely spent mentally and physically. Even though life keeps moving forward i have this idea in my head that the present could change everything, which is true, of course it changes everything but so does the future. The future can change you because even though you're going through shit you eat it because you know its not where you're suppose to be. Idk what taught me such black and white thoughts and why im obsessed with this idea of self-empowerment. I guess its because something in the past told me that if i can handle all types of shit then i will excel, regardless of the situation.
I live in a very fantasy world that does not require economy, politics, religion, education, productiveness, and the other things that make a man successful. My idea is that i live being who i am and i try to learn as much as possible but in a very quick and efficient way, one that doesnt require the idea of hard work, persistence, and consistency. I focus more so on fear, flaws and motivation. How to improve myself as a person and less on how to improve my life being the person i am. Why? idk. Its an interesting way of veiwing life that ive noticed to be very counter-productive in this day and age. I focus on bettering myself while the world conspires for miracles to happen in case i fail, which is a majority of the time due to my stubbornness. I refuse to grow up and take responsibilities or be the man that makes a difference. I am more of the type that feels the difference in more important when it originates from within. One path is easier and much less time is wasted, while the other achieves the same things but goes in a full circle before i learn anything.
Dont get me wrong though, i work fast so the extra efforts are only displayed through my actions as mistakes. I have so much uselessness going on that i dont focus and i slip up.
edit:
Monday, February 6, 2012
Staring into the abyss so that you dont have to
About three weeks ago my friend gave me this piece of paper, he just handed it to me then left. The meaning behind that piece of paper, made all the stress in my life fade away for just a brief moment because i understood the poetry behind it. It was an 8 and a half by 11 normal printing paper that just had that phrase typed ovver and over and over again and at the middle of the paper the font was bigger so you would focus on that one phrase and see it all around...Staring into the abyss so that you dont have to....Staring into the abyss so that you dont have to. I asked him where he got this piece of paper and he said he found it at the office of the philosophy building.
I found this piece of paper very poetic before i realized it was a reference to Nietzsche, a well reknown philosopher. I felt as if someone, no matter what struggles i was going through someone else was willing to listen as well. I honestly dont know why i found this paper so compelling but i knew that there was something very interesting about it because the only way to fully embrace that paper is to give it to someone else..Because as long as i held onto it then i felt as if i was being saved from my burdens. To explain its meaning better, and through nietzsche's words, "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." Its such a subliminal message that i felt instantly. I dont know where that paper is now, but hopefully its traveling far and wide, not lost in another abyss itself.
I hate everything about me right now..Im emotionally mentally and therefore phsyically drained. I only further it by feeling it. Im stuck in an abyss and honestly im at the stage where i just want to end everything for good, that last nightmare of suicide did leave a great impression on me.
I quit my job at cvs, even though they hired me again. I woke up late this morning and thought well, fuck it. It was only a matter of time. Im so irresponsible that it hurts me. Im never home anymore because i cant look my family in the eyes.
I was high and at amherst, it was fine but everything was wrong. i need another boost, I need something to do with my life. I dont want to be another number in this society that goes nowhere i have big plans for myself. Many people wonder why im still struggling. They hear my detailed future plans about being an engineer and they say, why are you still having problems? you know what you want, go for it! Everyone else in college is having trouble because they are trying to find out what to make of it afterward but i know what i want to do. I honestly cant respond to that question. I dont know what holds me back. Maybe its because i want to just stop, and die.
Quite frankly im convinced that i lost hope in myself and in life a long time ago, but i pushed forward simply for the sake of being. My mind is old and i grow weary of these trials i face, as self inflicted and as miniscule as they are. Im lazy, and unmotivated. I make radical decisions that push me into a corner. I see all of this. But the difference between you and i is you havent seen or felt death yet, therefore it would never be an option. I dont want to say ive been forced to the edge mentally because honestly thats just me being lazy but eh..im not going to finish this sentence.
Im clearly suffering from some depression. I hate who i am and i hate who im becoming. Why cant i change this? Who can i change to? I knew i hated who i was and who i have become a long time ago, which is why i am such a universal guy internally. I just havent figured myself out yet...what i thought i figured out is clearly all wrong because i met someone that was just like me and she clearly showed me woah..we are completely different. Who am i? What am i to do with this life? idk but i need to stop staring into the abyss. SNAP UP THOMAS! haha
Ive been feeling very socially awkward due to this stress, idk how to cope with it. its a very out of body experience. I cant only act "normal" if i have a beer or two. But who the fuck am i? because clearly im not who i think i am nor am i going to be my future plans so im lost. I need a reality check and a hole to crawl into. Insanity has found its way now, the abyss is seeing exactly what im seeing.
I found this piece of paper very poetic before i realized it was a reference to Nietzsche, a well reknown philosopher. I felt as if someone, no matter what struggles i was going through someone else was willing to listen as well. I honestly dont know why i found this paper so compelling but i knew that there was something very interesting about it because the only way to fully embrace that paper is to give it to someone else..Because as long as i held onto it then i felt as if i was being saved from my burdens. To explain its meaning better, and through nietzsche's words, "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." Its such a subliminal message that i felt instantly. I dont know where that paper is now, but hopefully its traveling far and wide, not lost in another abyss itself.
I hate everything about me right now..Im emotionally mentally and therefore phsyically drained. I only further it by feeling it. Im stuck in an abyss and honestly im at the stage where i just want to end everything for good, that last nightmare of suicide did leave a great impression on me.
I quit my job at cvs, even though they hired me again. I woke up late this morning and thought well, fuck it. It was only a matter of time. Im so irresponsible that it hurts me. Im never home anymore because i cant look my family in the eyes.
I was high and at amherst, it was fine but everything was wrong. i need another boost, I need something to do with my life. I dont want to be another number in this society that goes nowhere i have big plans for myself. Many people wonder why im still struggling. They hear my detailed future plans about being an engineer and they say, why are you still having problems? you know what you want, go for it! Everyone else in college is having trouble because they are trying to find out what to make of it afterward but i know what i want to do. I honestly cant respond to that question. I dont know what holds me back. Maybe its because i want to just stop, and die.
Quite frankly im convinced that i lost hope in myself and in life a long time ago, but i pushed forward simply for the sake of being. My mind is old and i grow weary of these trials i face, as self inflicted and as miniscule as they are. Im lazy, and unmotivated. I make radical decisions that push me into a corner. I see all of this. But the difference between you and i is you havent seen or felt death yet, therefore it would never be an option. I dont want to say ive been forced to the edge mentally because honestly thats just me being lazy but eh..im not going to finish this sentence.
Im clearly suffering from some depression. I hate who i am and i hate who im becoming. Why cant i change this? Who can i change to? I knew i hated who i was and who i have become a long time ago, which is why i am such a universal guy internally. I just havent figured myself out yet...what i thought i figured out is clearly all wrong because i met someone that was just like me and she clearly showed me woah..we are completely different. Who am i? What am i to do with this life? idk but i need to stop staring into the abyss. SNAP UP THOMAS! haha
Ive been feeling very socially awkward due to this stress, idk how to cope with it. its a very out of body experience. I cant only act "normal" if i have a beer or two. But who the fuck am i? because clearly im not who i think i am nor am i going to be my future plans so im lost. I need a reality check and a hole to crawl into. Insanity has found its way now, the abyss is seeing exactly what im seeing.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Boost
FUCK THAT SHIT! i was crawling into a hole and i was like...wtf is happening? like i said im living too much in the present. FUTURE MY BOY FUTURE! My body just simply spat out a terrible job. Lol sure i get paid more but i refuse to have CVS on my resume, especially with 3 years of college right above it. Sooo idk why im so pissed off about the losing of a retail job. Actually I want to write a letter to him, a professional one just to spit in his face. haha. Im scared to though cause he might hold it against me but i was thinking about saying something along the lines of this.
Dear Moss,
It was NOT a pleasure to have you as a boss for the 2 weeks I worked for you. Sure your ego and self-righteousness will bring much growth for the company complimented by your expertise which i do not question. What I do intend to question is your idea that professionalism and self righteousness are the same thing, boss. How is it possible for one to get fired before i get my first legitimate paycheck? Thats not expertise nor professionalism, thats self righteousness. You needed any reason to fire anyone because of your ego and i want you to know that that will hopefully be the death of you. You see, i did have respect for you because you and i are much alike, we strive for best and the idea that the team is being brought down by one is unacceptable. The difference between you and i is the departing. I eliminate my excess with the strong footing i had throughout my life. You, you said, "Youre fired...but finish your shift and let me sit on it. Come in tomorrow at 11am and we can talk about it." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT? Then to further that, you cancel our meeting the next morning! Ive never seen a man more arrogant and unprofessional as you. To think i am not qualified to work at CVS after one fucking week. You have something really long and hard stuck up your ass dear sir. To further this, youre willing to fire me after one week over the three veteran workers that are clearly bringing no progress to the company. You're emotional-
Edit:
So i had to end that blog post shortly cause i had to head out but the same applies, i dont fucking like that guy. He "hired" me back again apologizing that he had to reschedule the meeting and im looking for a new job now. I cant fucking work under someone knowing they intended to fire me in the first week at work.
In other news, ragers ragers ragers. Im back at dan dinhs place and were having massive bromance. I guess its actually over with LGB girl...idk what happen. She started talking about her ex...then she said shes enjoying the single life and not looking for relationship (she brought it up) then she said shell take "each day as it comes:)" I respond with a smiley as well and we continue texting but then she said "im busy ill ttyl". Why would you need to tell someone your busy over text? so i said cya then waited for her text all today..i ended up giving in texting her at 5pm...we respond back and forth once then i waited ten mins to respond to her and she stopped responding all out...i sent her another text and she still hasnt responded...its 4 hours later. And shes pretty on tp of her phone...Me and dan intend to go to amherst this weekend..Surprise visit maybe? no creep? lol idk but if anything ill get to see lauren...which i havent spoken to since before break...Where have you gone lauren?..
My life? i could care less right now..party part 2 lets do it up! edit on edit later
Edit:
Lori never ended up texting me back. I cant sleep but i feel nothing for her. This is how it feels when my heart has power over my reason and that doesnt happen very often. and it shouldnt since i have my douchebag mode on lol. Surprisingly im enjoying this feeling because i know shes feeling the same way. Me and her have so much in common that i feel as if i already know her. She didnt respond because i said "I like open relationships, theyre fun :)" I guess im TOO universal of a guy because i found out thats what fucked me over hahaha so roadtrip to amherst! she has no idea :] haha im so sleepy but my head is full...I tried meditating but i cant because im at my friends house. Im not comfortable here yet even though we are super close. Im also far too sleepy. If i meditate ill just powernap but i need to sleep. Goodnight! i have work monday tues weds 7-3. If i mess up im fired so i need to be spotless until i find a new job.
Dear Moss,
It was NOT a pleasure to have you as a boss for the 2 weeks I worked for you. Sure your ego and self-righteousness will bring much growth for the company complimented by your expertise which i do not question. What I do intend to question is your idea that professionalism and self righteousness are the same thing, boss. How is it possible for one to get fired before i get my first legitimate paycheck? Thats not expertise nor professionalism, thats self righteousness. You needed any reason to fire anyone because of your ego and i want you to know that that will hopefully be the death of you. You see, i did have respect for you because you and i are much alike, we strive for best and the idea that the team is being brought down by one is unacceptable. The difference between you and i is the departing. I eliminate my excess with the strong footing i had throughout my life. You, you said, "Youre fired...but finish your shift and let me sit on it. Come in tomorrow at 11am and we can talk about it." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT? Then to further that, you cancel our meeting the next morning! Ive never seen a man more arrogant and unprofessional as you. To think i am not qualified to work at CVS after one fucking week. You have something really long and hard stuck up your ass dear sir. To further this, youre willing to fire me after one week over the three veteran workers that are clearly bringing no progress to the company. You're emotional-
Edit:
So i had to end that blog post shortly cause i had to head out but the same applies, i dont fucking like that guy. He "hired" me back again apologizing that he had to reschedule the meeting and im looking for a new job now. I cant fucking work under someone knowing they intended to fire me in the first week at work.
In other news, ragers ragers ragers. Im back at dan dinhs place and were having massive bromance. I guess its actually over with LGB girl...idk what happen. She started talking about her ex...then she said shes enjoying the single life and not looking for relationship (she brought it up) then she said shell take "each day as it comes:)" I respond with a smiley as well and we continue texting but then she said "im busy ill ttyl". Why would you need to tell someone your busy over text? so i said cya then waited for her text all today..i ended up giving in texting her at 5pm...we respond back and forth once then i waited ten mins to respond to her and she stopped responding all out...i sent her another text and she still hasnt responded...its 4 hours later. And shes pretty on tp of her phone...Me and dan intend to go to amherst this weekend..Surprise visit maybe? no creep? lol idk but if anything ill get to see lauren...which i havent spoken to since before break...Where have you gone lauren?..
My life? i could care less right now..party part 2 lets do it up! edit on edit later
Edit:
Lori never ended up texting me back. I cant sleep but i feel nothing for her. This is how it feels when my heart has power over my reason and that doesnt happen very often. and it shouldnt since i have my douchebag mode on lol. Surprisingly im enjoying this feeling because i know shes feeling the same way. Me and her have so much in common that i feel as if i already know her. She didnt respond because i said "I like open relationships, theyre fun :)" I guess im TOO universal of a guy because i found out thats what fucked me over hahaha so roadtrip to amherst! she has no idea :] haha im so sleepy but my head is full...I tried meditating but i cant because im at my friends house. Im not comfortable here yet even though we are super close. Im also far too sleepy. If i meditate ill just powernap but i need to sleep. Goodnight! i have work monday tues weds 7-3. If i mess up im fired so i need to be spotless until i find a new job.
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