Rip to stitch

You have the ability to Bend and to make a difference without making a sound. By the look in your eye and the frown in your smile, Silence alone leaves an impression. You have the ability to trust therefore be trusted. This allows me to find the most worthy friends. I dont hesitate to bear fangs when approaching an objective in my life. This allows me, whether it be for the best or worst, make quick decisions then jump back and watch the magic happen.

Just like everyone in life, they learn things in order to subconsciously achieve their goal. Its best to be an all rounded person but maybe its in the characteristics i already have that i can find something that holds meaning to me, something like an obtainable goal. Idk im rather lost. But i do now realize the love i was looking for to finish my goal, doesnt exist. Not as long as i look for it, my cuddle buddy taught me that. Why? because shes a great girl..great in bed and communication and shes white so she and i have alot in common. But like i said, what holds meaning to me and how are we so much in common? Those two questions are not as far off as one would think. Besides Music i cant say anything is me, just experiences to make this blob of a person...drifting through. Its a problem with self confidence. Im not confident about anything about myself therefore i cannot market myself properly.

I realized ive been rather lost because everyone that i feel like remember who i am are gone..except colin but its hard to talk to him about things when everytime i feel like telling him something new i feel like hes going to finish his statement with a "I love you thomas, marry me"....YEah idk something about that just makes me twitch. Great guy though..haha.

The last time i smoked i felt like I was an empty shell, Insanity literally ripped me from who i thought i knew myself as. I suddenly because a very socially awkward guy. I felt as if everything i said was wrong and weird. Everytime i remained silent i was being awkward, and everything was just so awkward around me. I made a move on a girl on the bus cause she came up to me and doug..(i forgot where we were or where we were going)..but she asked us for a lighter and i gave her one and she was like wow this is a really nice lighter, can i keep it? and i was like sure. and she was like i dont want to steal your lighter id feel bad. so we kept discussing it cause she wanted to smoke but she didnt want to steal my lighter so i said. How about you give me your number and that way you can give me back my lighter whenever youre free? she gives me her number and the entire time im baked thinking, "I feel like such a tool wtf am i doing? dont you have enough stress already?" She ended up getting off the same stop as me so i got my lighter back but the entire time on the bus she was like you have no idea i might be mindfucking you. haha but hey in the end i got my lighter back and a probable number, that i didnt save. I feel like such a tool. Sure she was a pretty attractive female but she was also drunk and blonde and i need to raise my standards because im not going for a girl that would give out her numbr to a guy when hes stoned and shes drunk.

This experience was more traumatizing then amusing, i did not enjoy hitting on that girl or walking around high. I just wanted to go home and stop all interactions with everyone. But we were suppose to go to a party and i was just like ughhhh. well im better now but insanity is holding hands with me now, i have to watch where i fucking step. When i was baked i felt not only socially awkward but i felt like i was socially awkward because socializing was so pointless. I started getting engulfed and obsessed by the meaning of my life. Then remembered something, its the idea that each human life is so pointless. We are one in a hundred-more BILLION people. and were all on 1 planet..circling 1 sun but there are of TRILLION stars, these stars having BILLIONS OF TRILLIONS of plants and moons orbiting them. Do you really think humans will ever make a grand enough difference in the world? especially if half the country is still completely ignorant about gays, racism or just the simple fact that maybe some people dont believe in the same thing as you. That doesnt give you an excuse to stone, hang, or haze another. We are SO small in this world i dont understand why anyone deserves anything more than another on a moral scale.

That is why i wanted not go too far into meditation though, because its purpose is to understand the world by understanding yourself. There is a point where it is impossible to progress any further in meditation until you realize and accept how small of a factor you are in this world. I guess thats why i was so obsessed with that song "The world at large" by modest mouse.

Ive been listening to interpol and all their songs bring me into a wave of nostalgia. Especially since im trying to quit smoking, yes still lol, i remember just gliding along on my longboard and smoking a cig. Actually a started to really smoke listening to interpol freshman year. It also reminds me of the waterfront cause i used to go and just listen to interpol..alot of relaxing thoughts come with this band. I was listening to them with a sleeping bag over me last night and meditating. Really bad idea to meditate i know, but i have alot of anger i need to let out. Im already at that level where i can store anger and it works like a double edge blade. Store it and hurt yourself alot or spend it hurt others but dampen the pain and insanity i feel. yes..I fucking started going back down the route of yang. This path is going to be the death of me, i swear.

I had a sleepingbag drapped over my head and the energy was so powerful, i felt the sleepingbag move. as if the energy was pushing it outwards, then pulling it towards my body as i inhaled. I also felt it trying to lift off my head for a moment and i had to snap out of meditation because i thought there was someone behind me actually moving the sleeping bag. After i saw there wasnt i continued for well over 2 hours. Exhausted, i went to sleep. I slept for 12 hours and was still exhausted so i slept another 3 hours. This is the path of yang. It drains the body completely in exchange for instant mental strength and power. please someone help me..but i got this, just watch. Just because im angry doesnt mean im not happy. Like the wise man once said, "Those who laugh the hardest cry the most"

Well til the next time i lose a screw!

Edit:

Well that was fast it wasnt even 30 mins. fucking LGB...you know what type of girl that is? Woman. lol ughhh ARGGG GRRRRRR FUCK YOU, WORLD. i hate you. I hate you. HATE. YOU. lol. Im done, no seriously though i am. and you know its serious when i write in my blog saying the LGB chapter is officially over. now im single again...with a boar of a female at my bedside..a cool boar...but a boar nonetheless. sorry im bitter. I dont mean that. I just want LGB D: Lol Rawr! woosah okay im done haha.