Staring into the abyss so that you dont have to

About three weeks ago my friend gave me this piece of paper, he just handed it to me then left. The meaning behind that piece of paper, made all the stress in my life fade away for just a brief moment because i understood the poetry behind it. It was an 8 and a half by 11 normal printing paper that just had that phrase typed ovver and over and over again and at the middle of the paper the font was bigger so you would focus on that one phrase and see it all around...Staring into the abyss so that you dont have to....Staring into the abyss so that you dont have to. I asked him where he got this piece of paper and he said he found it at the office of the philosophy building.

I found this piece of paper very poetic before i realized it was a reference to Nietzsche, a well reknown philosopher. I felt as if someone, no matter what struggles i was going through someone else was willing to listen as well. I honestly dont know why i found this paper so compelling but i knew that there was something very interesting about it because the only way to fully embrace that paper is to give it to someone else..Because as long as i held onto it then i felt as if i was being saved from my burdens. To explain its meaning better, and through nietzsche's words, "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." Its such a subliminal message that i felt instantly. I dont know where that paper is now, but hopefully its traveling far and wide, not lost in another abyss itself.

I hate everything about me right now..Im emotionally mentally and therefore phsyically drained. I only further it by feeling it. Im stuck in an abyss and honestly im at the stage where i just want to end everything for good, that last nightmare of suicide did leave a great impression on me.

I quit my job at cvs, even though they hired me again. I woke up late this morning and thought well, fuck it. It was only a matter of time. Im so irresponsible that it hurts me. Im never home anymore because i cant look my family in the eyes.

I was high and at amherst, it was fine but everything was wrong. i need another boost, I need something to do with my life. I dont want to be another number in this society that goes nowhere i have big plans for myself. Many people wonder why im still struggling. They hear my detailed future plans about being an engineer and they say, why are you still having problems? you know what you want, go for it! Everyone else in college is having trouble because they are trying to find out what to make of it afterward but i know what i want to do. I honestly cant respond to that question. I dont know what holds me back. Maybe its because i want to just stop, and die.

Quite frankly im convinced that i lost hope in myself and in life a long time ago, but i pushed forward simply for the sake of being. My mind is old and i grow weary of these trials i face, as self inflicted and as miniscule as they are. Im lazy, and unmotivated. I make radical decisions that push me into a corner. I see all of this. But the difference between you and i is you havent seen or felt death yet, therefore it would never be an option. I dont want to say ive been forced to the edge mentally because honestly thats just me being lazy but eh..im not going to finish this sentence.

Im clearly suffering from some depression. I hate who i am and i hate who im becoming. Why cant i change this? Who can i change to? I knew i hated who i was and who i have become a long time ago, which is why i am such a universal guy internally. I just havent figured myself out yet...what i thought i figured out is clearly all wrong because i met someone that was just like me and she clearly showed me woah..we are completely different. Who am i? What am i to do with this life? idk but i need to stop staring into the abyss. SNAP UP THOMAS! haha

Ive been feeling very socially awkward due to this stress, idk how to cope with it. its a very out of body experience. I cant only act "normal" if i have a beer or two. But who the fuck am i? because clearly im not who i think i am nor am i going to be my future plans so im lost. I need a reality check and a hole to crawl into. Insanity has found its way now, the abyss is seeing exactly what im seeing.