In the air

Its done. time to enjoy :] Mord Fustang- In the air. People underestimated me for the last 7 years. I can finally laugh in their face and said ive been waiting for everyone to catch up. I see. Life. I see. Beauty. There is only 1 thing you need. but this isnt a truth for kingsbecause i am no king. This feeling makes me as human as you . I just see everything making sense...this is a treespot moment.

Ressurection

Of course, a man such as myself can not stop blogging. Too cocky and too livid about life and how shit ticks. So here i am telling you GET READY for blog #3. Let me know if you want to know my link because I dont want people that abuse my words for means of manipulation to follow me. If i havent looked into your eyes in the past 4 months for at least a statement and a response, you can assume im talking about you. I need connection and i want to meet people that can teach me something, not people that just absorb my words. im serious. If you want a hint, The blog title will have something to do with my future tattoo. If i cant write my life into the tattoo, why will i get it? so. here. i. GOOO.

Publish it

Without much left to say on my online blog, i want to end it on a friendly note. Something to wrap things up you know? Maybe the father figure i strive to become does not include the indulgence of a blog, who knows an quite frankly who cares?

I use to have it all wrong, I thought as long as i could make a big enough statement in a small enough period of time i can influence any individual, like an equation. I honestly and sincerely believed that. Even though people told me society this society that and that i was considered awkward, i didnt care but now i realize i dont need to change and comform, i just need to make my strong impressions comfortable with the help of confidence. After finding my girl, I realized in order to make a difference i have to listen  first, then make a statement. Such basics to some like ah DAHH and even me im like uhh DAHH when i read it but honestly, men have egos and its true it clouds judgement and predictions which are necessary at times. This is the first step to the realization that my blog has lost its present value. Like a wise man once said, "There are 2 rules for success, the first rule is you never tell everything you know an the second rule is..."

I will continue to forever hold a journal in my bag for my most inspirational moments but i think this is the stage after R0SE5's and beyond trying to figure out the truthofkings. Because me being the king understood the greatest rules of all time.

Happiness really isnt far away at all, its everywhere once you make yourself happy. Because you being happy means that you are surrounded by things that make you happy and those happy things are going to show you more things that make you happy. Sure its going to crash and burn sometimes but as long as you love yourself before you love another and keep at that pace and move outward, then things will work out for you and everything you intend to achieve.

Im just happy, im still together with my chicago girl..not quite sure if i want to end my last online-blogpost talking about girls haha but were going stronger than ever now 4 months and not even official yet but were together. Such an unhealthy relationship but what can you do about it? haha i cant find any better so hell! im more than satisfied. There was one girl though..the one that inspired me to write this post..we were drunk at a party and she spoke as if she was the one that wrote all my blogposts. she understands exactly where i come from philosophically and the strains i went through in R0SE5...unfortunately she was white an literally up and hooked up with someone else right at the party, true story. But i was never MOVED in such a way by a conversation before. Hey i texted her afterward like yeah wassup but she threw alot of conversation enders so im assuming shed rather go for a white guy with a bruins tattoo on his arm than me...what a dbag. haha. But thats how my life is! and i learned to accept it! and i love it! i get thrown the most weirdest and craziest curve balls and i learn to just absorb the best from them..me and her were speaking in our own language at the party.

We were picking apart everything in our lives that other people jsut do not understand or see because theyve nver meditated and no matter what happens we see these patterns and these ideas and me and this girl were like We are evolved forms! because animals will naturally become more in tune with our environment and surroundings. We were blasted through conversation about life, love, meditation, smoking, truamas, and the meaning of understanding i honestly felt like a hippy but i am kinda hippy inside too.

I think the only thing that will contine to baffle me hard when i leave this blog and what i can always rant about is my race. Countless times have i looked in the mirror, expecting to see something else, or look at my arm and expect to see something else but I'm Asian. I dont think racially but the reason why ive been having so many problems in the past is honestly because of the culturally clash when it comes to asians in america. I feel like hispanics and Blacks have been fully accepted or at least found its own place in society but asians are everywhere from the most highclass to the projects and the ghettos. The view on asians in boston is very ignorant and were still seen as foreign and honestly, that doesnt bug me on bit. Cause im weird as fuck anyways so great! perfect! im right where im suppose to be. But the problem is i act weird but 99% of my thoughts i turn into words BLOWS peoples mind and honestly i think people would expect it if i was black, because i do have some of that aggressive shady aura to my walk, or people would think of me as hispanic because im intune with my sexual side and i can get pretty loud, i speak as if my penis is my mind and i make sure people are comfortable with that and i know theres a time and place. People would most of all, expect my words be be of a white man, weird and..i feel like the mindsets of a caucasian male is the most diversified of all, that but does not mean the spectrum of diversity means they are anymore mature or intellectual than any other race. Asians, idk maybe for some odd reason im re-encountering an identity crisis that involves race but ive surprised myself one too many times with my skin color, its as if im changing too fast mentally to keep in mind where i came from. I do find myself wishing i was caucasian at time though, it would make my personality so much easier to digest. That is just deeep deeep in my thoughts, like if you were to scrap the bottom of the carton of icecream thats what youd find. Doesnt bother me, im asian, so what? ahha but yeah..

There was an incident yesterday that involved racial discrimination but lets not get into that.

Anywho. Comment if you want me to post more and if your interested in my life. haha id be honored because i mean, in the en i do realized i was posting my entire life to an online page. I didnt notice the depth of that til now. haha but yeah..uh...PEACE!

Mindbanger

I just want to take something and strangle you. You have always just screwed with my head and i dont even know why i gave you another chance, leave my life now, please. For some reason i cant stop thinking that you were suppose to be my princess, but you missed the train while you were complaining about the mud a girl grabbed a seat right next to me and said "waddap? :)" then laid right down. I should feel all sorts of happy but im all sorts of confused cause she has a kid and is in chicago, and im still single. I still cant help to think if only that freakin chick knew what she wanted...i would have gave her the world. Life is hard but WHY? i honestly am happy right now but its not worth it cause i know the future is going to get messy because i dont see myself a father of a child that isnt mine. Idk girls girls You...you shall not be named anymore on my blog i dont even know why you still bother me so. Goodbye.

Muddy waters

My life is like mud, Its dirty, dark, and hard to get through and standing still only makes me sink further in. I dont know why my fortune is so bad and why the world conspires for my failure but i believe it has something to do with me now. You'd be surprised at the shit that happen to me out of pure fucking bad luck in life.

Love, i just finished watching notebook and i want to remember the feeling it brought to me. This inspiration is powerful enough to get me to blog. The emotions of inspiration, true understanding, motivation, content, and just complete and utter selflessness. I know the movie hollywood love doesn't exist between humans, well i do, but im confident it wont for me again, and thats the problem. Whenever i see true love my memories come back of everything in my life and i feel like a complete being. At this moment in time im not living from one day to the next trying to throw scraps together I sincerely feel like i know exactly why everything has happened to me. What is it i see? Mistake after mistake because my life doesnt flow, i dont learn from my mistakes because im too busy forgetting them. It takes love to embrace, regret, and learn. I feel the motivation flow through that i once had, a flame that died a long time ago. What is it about me? i still cant put a finger on it. Ive changed to be so much more beside that and i learned to adapt without. I found a new way to keep my chin up and i think its by simple acceptance. The difference between content and acceptance is much greater than i thought. As of, for as long as i can remember ive been accepting myself, and simply content with that. That is wrong i need to be content and naturally accept what happens around me. How do you do that? I know i can do that by being selfless, by putting others ahead of me. It sounds more and more ridiculous as i type but i know it to be true. There is nothing to fix though, this is who i am. Heartless, a lost soul. I want to love again. Love is a very strong word but its all around us i just cannot see it, i cannot feel it. Even now i understand where my mind was coming from. I saw the world as something so big, and people to be so small. I need to make myself realize that the people in my life and me are my world, and thats it, not the people i see randomly on the streets, not the people i dont talk to but the people that put an impact on my life. I know what people are worth, thats a very keen skill of mine but its much more than that. Its a feeling that i am as big as the world and so is everyone that is willing to enter my world. Right now i know what people are worth, but my closest friends are equal to someone i dont know exist halfway across the world. Sure we have a bond but people are such materialistic items to me. Humans are so minuscule to me. I'm so minuscule compared to the world. There is no compassion for myself and for the people i hold dear, only the ethical reason to give a friend a call, cause its the right thing to do. 

This is the subject ive been meaning to touch upon and right after i wrote that paragraph i fell into the deepest sleep ive had in a long time. edit later

explode

My head is going to cave, i need some air.

Smaller the greater

I havent blogged in a very long time and the longer i dont blog the more profound i feel like the post should be. But before i continue i would like to say that i fuckin HATE the new layout of the dashboard in blogger. Only editors or writers see it because its the inner workers of the journal in which i type in, first world problems. Anywho, I stopped blogging for a while because men shouldnt be thinking so much. Life is simple, I should keep it that way. I lost my inspiration again...edit later Edit:: This will be the first ever hand written blog post. Transcribed on a little notebook i brought with me to my trip to amherst, you can tell i am quite adament to get some things off my chest. I am currently sitting on the floor of south station listening to my killers playlist i spoke of a while ago. This post will be contradicting my post about "The World at Large", a song by modest mouse. I have been told by many that my downfall is my natural instinct to look at everything in life as a whole. This causes me to be burdened by too many objectives at once. Many of said objectives require prior accomplishments i havent even obtained. This is my problem. Yet, why is that a problem? In my world, the most successful person would be able to tackle life head on like a engineering project. Its the simple understanding of every aspect in the project. If you focus on just the mechanical aspect, the robot will never move but if you just focus on the electrical aspect you wouldnt have anything to move. Every project has size contraints and other things to keep in mind. How will you situate and organize circuiting to optomize space and efficency but how will you do any of that without understanding how the robot looks? And before all the circuiting and electrical board work you need to know how and what to code the robot to do, or else how would you even know what you need on the mother board? but how would you know what to program the robot to do if you dont know what it should do mechanically? The answer to all these questions is you have to know the big picture and work from there. Thats why i want to be mechanical. I naturally think big picture and work on the details from there because Im used to viewing my life as three corresponding components like the three decribed above. I see them as my academic, social, and financial life. Problem is the build time, which is literally forever and the resources needed to flourish in these three components to build this person in who i am to become. Without any one of these three components, I feel as if im doomed for failure because im so caught up in the big picture. This is why smaller is better. Taking baby steps is something i have always been far too impatient for. I dont know what im aiming for when i take baby steps or what my next move should be. It drives me absolutely nuts making decisions not for the greater good but for the moment, I dont have the willpower for that because i hesitate. But hell, people need to change and adapt. I keep dreaming about becoming this successful robotics engineer or engineer of any unqiue sort. I dream of it not being hardwork but fun work. With a wife and son i love A woman i love unconditionally and her to i the same. Life isnt that easy though. Nor will it ever be if i dont work towards it. The point of the matter is, i need to think less of the future and less in the present but more in the next 5 year time period. Ive been working on this single blogpost for about a month now so im going to post it, but theres about another page and a half to go, ive been writing in my journal now haha. edit later