When the Stars Align

I need to blog this dream i had lastnight because i dont believe its true. I tried meditation again. It didnt work..and usually when i try and fail it leaves me in the bitter part of my mind and i suffer a night of the most graphic nightmares like the inception dream i had a long time ago...id never forget that dream *shivers*. but i was listening to the killers until i fell asleep and i guess thats not something i usually do while trying this? well everything was different this time. I dont have a single rop of anger in me anymore so theres nothing to fuel the nightmares if i failed. This is the first time i tried it with just a moderate amount of stress and idk my mindset was just different. When i used to meditate i honestly didnt know where my center was but i knew the source was somewhere in my torso. I guess thats why i capped because with so much experience and no actual central point of control it worked like a shotgun, virtually firing off in all directions but there was so much energy that i could bring what i needed to where i needed. *shrugs* Its only a theory. Now whenever i practice i focus gently on a point a little below my belly button and that point travels through my body to the back. Thats the actual center. I didnt know that when i was little. lol.

Anywho blah blah blah so i was listening to "my list" and "goodnight travel well". after i got confortable i put goodnight travel well on loop and fell asleep to that. Before i slept i really emphasized on feeling weight on my body and really getting comfortable because i remember back then when i meditated it felt like gravity was a bit higher and every point on my body was a bit heavier. This allows stability and one less variable to worry about so my body wouldnt move once i went under. I remember i told my sister to push me when i was meitating once when i was 14 and she was young too but she felt as if i was pushing against her naturally so unless she put her body into it i wasnt moving anytime XD its a calm tense. So since i remembered that i combined that with my focus and the music and i felt the heat go into my hands and i began to feel my pulse at my fingertips as i dozed. There was a pinch within my palms as if i was clasping my hands together on a needle and it bothered me but then it dulled and it allowed me to maintain focus, doze but stay awake.

When i fell asleep i was in my house. the house i live in right now. i was in my bed as if i woke up suddenly to go to the bathroom. So i got up realized i couldnt feel my legs. I looked back and saw myself laying tere with my laptop light still on and my hands loosened and i was like...holy shit this is deep haha. Im fimilar with meditation even though i lost my center so i just sat there for a while...tried not to get too excited cause i would risk snapping out of it and just tried to stablize. when i was ready..I stretched, naturally because i was expecting knots since i was sore from the gym the day before. i still felt the soreness. Intrigued, I decided to grab onto the desk next to my body and pull myself up and i landed on something heavy like a surface. Like a flat surface idk...i guess thats how it feels like to float cause then i glided to the bathroom. I purposely dodged the mirror because i wanted to see how far this dream would go and i went to take a piss but nothing happened so i went to the living room. OH i also tried to open my sisters door but i couldnt push it open haha. I was exploring! it was so much fun. I remember getting really tired after that and sitting in the living room. I went into further meditation there and thats the parts i dont remember but i looked at the clock because i heard footsteps didnt actually see what time it was. the sun was still set but my parents were coming home from work even though they left at 3. Usually takes 6 hours at work. Since i went into deeper meditation i assumed that many hours has past by now and i forgot it was still a dream since i was controlling it so well So i rushed back in my room. I saw my body still there as it was and instinctively, as i usually do right when my parents are coming home, i jump into the bed. I heard the fimilar springyness of my bed when i jumped in then my parents saying "thomas youre still awake again?!" and due to the excitement i woke up. My parents just got home and i wasnt laying on my back anymore. i was laying on my left side. My parents pops theyre head in and sees me still awake but im really dazed, still remembering the entire dream. Idk what my parents say but i fall right back to sleep. Unfortunately i was more caught up on the dream and didnt see what time it was or didnt mind to look out the window. FAWK haha. I wanted to see if that was actually real but that was a crazy dream.

Some may say i actually managed to do that stuff...or i could have just stayed at a very light sleep, awoken naturally by the coming home of my parents. Humm... i dont think ill be able to do it again because id be too anticipated. Thats the thing i really need to get over...Numbing my emotions prior to the session so that i dont get excited or focus too much on any one physical variable. Like im surprised i was able to go under this time due to that pinch in my palms. usually id have too much add and focus too much on it..virtually failing and suffering the night. lol. Of course i was so exhausted the next morning that i woke up 3 hours late for work. LOL My body refused to move and i felt like i just pulled 2 all nighters in a row. At work for the whole day i was curious as to what i thought about sitting in the living room..Im so glad this session...wasnt sucessful but it was something brand new. 8+ years of experience and that never happened before haha.

The familiar curiosity and undying thirst for answers is back again. haha i love meditating but id screw up everything ive built thusfar. Anyone that says they can meditate and are in college are bullshiting you. lol it drains so much mental and physical energy that it has to be practiced as a career. I wish i was born a monk. I mean think about it, understanding yourself not only teaches you about yourself but the entire world. You wanna learn about that on the side while focusing on studying? impossible. People studying one topic such as business or law or engineering or what have you already takes at least a decade of commitment and undivided attention, especially when your in the field let alone spending well..depending on how good at meditating you are 1 hour in real life for me that was life...ehh..i dont remember but id say 1-3 hours in meditation haha that was at my prime. but still! learning so much id have to go into meditation for hours real life just to shuffle through all of it haha. Its exhausting mentally and physically and its time consuming..Id have no life

Trying to convince myself not to do it again for a while...lol. Watch me try again this christmas :D But then again this could all be coincidence..i mean honestly..i dont remember the last time i sucessfully meditated from beginning to end for hours on end. Imagine being able to have that dream on command. That would be so sick!! haha i might be able to go outside and explore as well but id have to really concentrate so i dont react to reactions if there are any. lol

OH VERY CREEPY! i did feel presences around me. I felt them coming closer as i sat in the livingroom...which is why im not going home tonight LOL so it was kinda a nightmare. I think i attracted spirits to my house to be honest ^_^'' haha its like insidious. o.o. *shivers* i have this REALLY creepy storage room and everytime i go into it and come back into the inhabited part of the house and lock the door. Im half expecting a ghost to be behind me and say "thanks for letting me in *cracks neck*" *shiverS* my dreams, over the years...due to meditation have left me with a very vivid imagination haha. But ive grown to welcome ghost. Theres alot worse to be afraid of inside your own head.

Edit::

I also think i understand theresa now...in my head haha. maybe shes not a player and shes just like me...looking for the right person and not putting her gaurd down the slightest bit until the very end to be sure its true. I sometimes forget guys can be assholes too cause honestly, Ive always only heard of girls hurting nice guys...thats because i surround myself with genuine people. haha. I saw her smile before i left work today and saw a genuine smile...something either a serious mindfucker can pull off or just a honest person does when they want to be truely sincere to another. im optimistic and have my whole life to build this relationship...but if she is genuine and shes going to use the same moves as i am...the question for me now is...how far am i willing to go? My response and this is when im strictly realist. Love is a lifetime and if youre going to wait until love then im out haha cause im not trying to be tied for life. haha I love lauren unconditionally because I trust HER...there was an equal and opposite communication there. thats the difference between her and any other girl that has ever entered my life. First, lets get over this trust thing before we go any further because i dont know anything about you besides the smiles and body language readings. Then again, through meditation ive learned how to lie from beginning to end, sending all the right signals showing all the right traits just to fit that person. Thats a real player. Do i/can i? no cause im too fucking unstable due to the amount of girls i had to go through to learn this XD, Girls these days got it all wrong. they think prince charming rides up to the castle and picks the girl off her feet and she dont have to do shit besides look pretty smile and maybe make some sandwiches. Real life is me on my decked out horse so that i see who looks my way then i go up to that castle and raise my sheild and go. HEY! who goes there?! oh damn you beautiful..come down here so i can holla. If the princess doesnt wanna get on my level so i can put my gaurd down? alright you keep your vagina on a pedistal and find that king then. PEACE haha i think whats happening now is the princess is looking like humm i like his horse...maybe he has something worthwhile but im comfy here. i got all my dresses to show off to all the guys that pass by...got my high ass castle to see over all the foolish dudes..yada yada yada. so im sitting outside like you suree you dont wanna come down? I shoot some fireworks to keep her entertained keep her laughing show her im worth it and shes like ohh now im liking the view even better from here cause hes pretty much going to keep doing that..im flattered. which then makes me down below think this beech is trying to play me like a fool. Lol Tell me when i go too far with this metaphor. So im going to sit here. Maybe attempt to set up a coupe days here and there to hang out so i can see you eye to eye and thats my final play OKAY?! 6 chins. thats as highhh as it goes. lol im heated. Regardless, id like you to ask me out. hell. If a girl ever asked me out. That is a damn keeper. lol the only girls that ask me to hang out with them now are lily billy..kim..and monica. One i swear is lesbian and the other two are fuckin taken...for the past 6 years ive known them lol. and lauren but i like asking lauren out cause i imagine her smile when she says yes :] lol. But at least she says yes and follows through everytime! goddamn. haha. so be prepared to say yes to hanging out more often or im out haha. Sure ill fall back after one or two hangouts but i just want to know youre commited enough to spend your time and be vunerable to me.

Like my sister said(the biggest slut in the world and yet gives the best advice): "I never even text my bf on a daily basis...i give it at least 5 hours because i need the chase and im busy throughout the day to constantly text! constantly texting means that your too free and you dont want to come off as someone that has nothing to do with your life. As for hanging out, i DEFINITELY dont hang out one on one with someone unless they are one of my closest friends...and even then! i dont hang out one on one...i bring all my best friends together and hang out at once. Hanging out one on one takes time and energy out of MY life for that ONE person and if im not interested in you why the hell would i do that? waste of precious time." So i said "Dont you want to get to know him if youre dating?" she replies, "Yeah a date sure, but we fuck at the end right? i mean honestly i need to know if hes good in bed to be his girl..thats the bottomline. Other than that, why would i want to get to know a guy if me and him are just fuck buddies??" LOL true story. its so skanky..and so unethical...yet its so ethical. Its uncanny. Well back to studying haha

Upper body

I just needed a productive gym day to get my shit in check. haha I feel great but my body feels like rubber haha. I went to the gym today with Kevin. He finally agrees to go to the gym with me because he sees progress and can tell im serious. Im glad i have a trainer right now so im taking notes of his workout plan lol. Upper body. i found out my max today was 100 in benching haha. My god i almost popped a blood vessel 5 reps 5 sets. then we moved to dumbbells and i benched 10 reps then moved to 30s and got to 5 and collapsed i was suppose to do ten reps of dumbbell benches for 25's then 30's then 35's haha that clearly failed so in turn i had to do 40 push ups somewhere inbetween our workouts cause Kevin wasnt satisfied with my performance. After the dumbbell benches we did deadlifts and i was able to lift umm...max for 5 reps was 165?! holy shit. i just did the math. lol Boss :D i only weigh 133 now roughly. probably back to 131 now. The extra 2 pounds was probably the extra muscle mass right after a workout haha. I lost 8 pounds i used to be 142 and deadlift like...154. Now im lighter and pumping more. boss. lol. After deadlifts we moved to the rows and shit. those KILLED. 10 reps 5 sets and idk the weights cause i was dying but i think they were decreasing at the rate of 10 starting at 100. It was a burnout exercise haha. Aside from that i also did 2 sets of 10 reps dumbbell flies with 25s as warm up while kevin was benching. I jumped in after the warm up and started that workout i just mentioned haha. OVerall, i feel great but im going to feel like shit tomorrow...but its going to be great haha.

Cleared my mind completely cause i was only focusing on that next rep haha. I miss the gym.

LONGBOARD IN 4 DAYS!!!! OMFG. so stoked. im dropping all my shit and going longboard the day i get my wheels haha. I wish i had my s8 trucks but im going to do some nasty carving with s10s, unfortunately i wont be as fast as i usually am because of that extra pound with the wider trucks but ehh...bone red bearings should compensate haha. Mean ass gripped orangtang Stims and clear blackdiamond griptape already applied to show off my sexy board. I hope the griptape doesnt get too dirty too fast. haha.

Well aside from that i studied a shitton today. i was NOT satisfied with my actions whatsoever a day ago. I purposely skipped an exam. Absolutely pathetic. I will never ever do that again. Hopefully i can take it next week. Im goingt o study like a bitch this week. and im waiting for the response from my professor. Theresa, thanksgiving, the funeral, and well just other lame excuses honestly. Bottom line was i wasnt ready for the quiz that i shoulda known about. i slipped. bad. FUCK MY LIFE. Sigh* but the gym and studying cleared my head completely.

MAtter of fact my swag is back haha...sorta. I started talking to several past girls again that i just drifted from. Sara, Cheng, karina, Jackie, and lauren (another lauren) haha. We actually just saw each other cause im in the library and its here that we met..over many cigs and an allnighter haha. All of these girls are just ego boost though but i like that when i make my day good for myself, the universe conspires to help me further it. Like i rekindled my friendship with all these girls offically today. Im assuming ill stop talking to lauren and karina and cheng in like...a week. but still! today was definitely an ego boost haha idk I just havent been proven wrong yet, theresa. Youre fucking with my head. I guess im awkward. Id rather just put my feelings out there and see whether or not id get rejected...which did happen. But youre still texting me after i sent that awkard voicemail. so something is CLEARLY here. Why are you making it so difficult...the only reason i can think of is that you have no intentions. Thats a problem. There are way too many fishes in the sea and my heart is honestly too fragile to worry about you for much longer. Im being very patient and trying to find a place where i can just get comfortable waiting and well...i honestly have. But due to this ego boost today, i realize i honestly dont have to. haha. *shrugs*

Its not just girls either. It wasnt until i studied for several hours then went outside for a smoke break that i bumped into kevin which i then asked to gym with me. At first he denied but then realized how ridiculous it was of him to reject the offer because he hasnt been to the gym in a while himself either. haha so it worked out!

I also took my families criticism to heart. i always do, but in my own way. I bitch at them when they are criticizing me but i usually up and do what they ask and of me. If they still bitch at me about it then i tell them to stfu XD so its kinda obvious why i dont have a good relationship with my parents whatsoever. My sisters, eventually notice that i took their criticism to heart and they know i do even though i bitch when they are criticizing me but hey, idk..its the way i work...i like my space but im always open to advice. Open being a very flexible term haha. I signed up for an internship program and did some hardcore internship searching today on neu careers. I need to seriously get my future moving.

Well i need to head home and drink some protein before i suffer more than id actually enjoy tomorrow haha

Flustered

Just to let you know...this blogpost took an entire day to type..so its very scattered haha (3pm-10pm) Idk. Im flustered. I stayed at home all day. This is the first time in a reallly long time and im not enjoying it whatsoever. Im assuming its just cause everyone is worried for my wellbeing because ive been distancing myself from family alot lately. Idk why...I feel as if they dont understand me and i dont have time to explain it to them.

(midnight)Ive been in bed for the past 24 hours. I feel absolutely pathetic but this is what i do at home because the living room is too loud and the kitchen is well...a kitchen..so all thats left is my room with its shitty wifi. My whole family agrees i should transfer out of mechanical engineering cause they dont know what im doing with my life and theyre afraid im not going to finish if i keep going cause m.e. is so challenging. I hate that my entire family agreed upon that. This arguement and tension has been going on the entire day..blah really cant handle this shit.

Ehh I blame the lack of cigs and me being super unproductive at home for my crankyness. Im actually flustered enough to get flashbacks of my temper problems in high school. haha I was such a bitter kid.

(1am) Which reminds me...winter is coming and 1) i always LOVE testing my body against the weather or 2) Im not sure if i LOVE longboarding even moreso but...i just bought my wheels! haha. My body is much more vulnerable to cold compared to me when i was even in 5th or 6th grade. Idk Sitting at home for a day is a long time for me and i pretty much went nuts and started thinking well...if im going to sit still for the next 5 hours might as well see what i can do with meditation hahhaa. Havent touched that topic in what feels like years. But matter of fact almost instantly i dived in and first i was in a dream..My body pretty much shutdown so it was like okay..guess youre sleeping since youre all comfortable and all..heres a dream for you. and the best part about those dreams are the fact that i can usually control whats going on in them haha but anywho forgot what happened in the dream or what i thought about but I feel alot better now :] The session unfortunately only lasted 30mins.

2am Theresa has really been on my mind lately. if it was anything i remember thinking about its the fact that in reality, i feel as if theresa isnt on my mind at all but damn i honestly think i meditated for only 30 mins because my thoughts were too loud and i snapped out of it haha. Like putting your favorite song on at full volume then sandwiching your head between two speakers haha. So i need to organize this. Why i like her: shes adorable, I feel like she understands me and sees what i see, she has a sense of humor, shes down to party but still seems to have a sense of self discipline and innocence, I can tell theres more than meets the eye.
Why i still havent moved beyond typing about it on my blog and why ive tried to cut her out of my life multiple times now: She seems like a player, I feel like i dont know her at all.., Her intentions are still....TBA, She has this issue with texting that has me falling hard for her one day...then she stops texting me the next day when i expect the text to just move along and its like....wtf?...it truamatizes me everytime haha and honestly i dont want to get used to that cause then ill get used to crawling back nomatter what...which unfortunately is where i stand right now even though i have no idea what her intentions are. But i refuse to let my gaurd down until i know her intentions are pure and thats that.
And wow, Karina just popped back into my life..she messaged me. Dear Universe, WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!?! right after i finished typing the theresa portion..haha well. Shes typing short and choppy and slow like usual...so w/e haha im just going to go like omg! its karina! everytime and just be fascinated by the interesting person drunk but the ridiculously dull sober person afterwards haha. Then again...thats just like me...*shrugs*

I havent been to the gym in foreverrr i intend to change that tomorrow, my body is still as tone as ever though..and i cant tell if i gained or lost any weight cause last time when i thought i gained weight i actually lost 9 pounds...complete mindfuck haha.

So last night i went drinking and smoked a bit with gordon and arthur and it was awesome haha chris just threw this little bro get together thing at his place and i got there after shopping with lauren and it was so much fun. Both hanging out with lauren and chri's hanging out made the day, which started like utter shit, end with a very happy note. :] Last night was actually when i was drunk and got completely skullfucked with a rush of infatuation for theresa...*shrugs* dono haha but umm..yeah i need to finish this blog post so that i can close this fucking tab haha

COMPLETED LONGBOARD IN (5) DAYS!!!!!! SOO EXCITED

lol himym

So ive realized that the himym episodes are oddly parallel to the current events in my life..ever since the new season started. I know maybe i need a bit of imagination to make it work but yeah...the moral of the episode always hits right on point haha. Like the moral of the most recent episode is girls are crazy due to girls two bros were like f this shit we can raise a baby and start a family without a female. Were bros, we can do this lolol Funny how me and big thomas had a "fuck girls, bros dont need them" conversation before. We were drunk f course lol but im just saying himym is MY LIFE hahah. ted mosby is me but some people think im barney stinson haha. anywho. That episode pretty much summed up my life! i went to the funeral day before thanksgiving and felt like utter SHIT. and for once i looked it as well. I dont like being forced to feel sad..i dont think anyone does thats why i hate funerals. My instinct is to feel happy when surrounded by sadness but in order to pay respects i had to not smile and think...sad..and..grieve. I ended that day and began thanksgiving looking and feeling worse than i ever did. Even my sisters got really worried. They said i look sooo unhealthy. but yeah..wednesday was just crap. The funeral lasted from 10 to 5pm and after i got home i just said fuck it and passed out in my suit and everything. I thought it took energy to be happy but holy shit at least faking happiness only makes your body feel better. Faking sadness actually makes you feel worse...never tried it never going to do it again and id be damned if i put anyone i know through that shit for my death. My shit is going to be fun. lol So i pass out at 5...wake up at 9....think its the next morning but it isnt so i pass out again..wake up 3 three...fml...pass out again and wake up at 12. Holy shit i had so much sleep but i still felt like shit! idk...I need someone new in my life.

Ive been texting theresa more recently..why? well its something to ease the shit in my life right now. Hey even though i barely work anymore you forget that i still need to go to school. I cant deal with this shit and have the mentality to study. I mean i feel like me and her got to that level where even though we were never together i need some closure. Ive never put more effort into a girl than i did with theresa and idk why to be honest. My sister has been helping me job hunt cause i told her about theresa. she knew she was bad news bears from the beginning somehow...i just didnt understand why lol. Girls understand each other i guess. Anywho. I never got the call from club monaco. They said call anf and quit or i wont get the job...did they really expect me to quit anf before actually getting a call saying i got the job? Sorry, i didnt like you enough to even to that much for you, recruitment bitch. LOL i honestly hated the company the minute i tried for the interview i felt the essence of the company through the interviewer and thought...UGH. what utterly disgusting people. No respect. idk. Still hunting for a job. Debating whether or not to give up anf..honestly so much has happened during these two weeks and ive only been scheduled one day a week so i dont even feel like i work there anymore...and its not like im going to be awkward around theresa..idk if shes going to be awkward around me but hey w.e. Might as well hold the job and try to find a second one...anf is getting to be a hassle to carry in my schedule though so its only a matter of time..

My sister has hooked me up with a 200 dollar a week job. its a personal business and all i have to do is pick up sunglasses at the post office and mail it to her ex in Australia theyre really highend sunglasses and her ex sells them for big bucks in Australia. Im so glad that my sister is a slut lolol. I hope this doesnt fall through though fucking i need a job...and DEFINITELY if its going to pay me 200 bucks just to run to the post office everyday once a day why the fuck not?

Thanksgiving wasnt too bad. I enjoyed it since i was socially awkward. I just sat there and ate the whole night..Ive been awfully hungry lately. Maybe due to the depression and stress. I ate 3 full plates of food in 1 sitting. well 3 and a half counting like...5 brownies some pie and other desserts lol I also up and got a beer the minute i got there cause i fucking wanted it and i didnt give a flying fuck what my relatives thought. Lol Blue moon palemoon omfg...i jizzed in my mouth beer.

What WAS really awkward about thanksgiving was the fact that my mentally challenged cousin venessa was hitting on me. Shes like..16 and she was feeling on my biceps and hopping on my back. I mean thats i gues...passable. but when she tried to hold my hand several times like...legit its like...wtF? >.>. Is this some sick shit fate is plaing with me to just shove more shit in my life? how to i react to the poor girl? Vennessa has been apparently lying to the family about this boy named chris..It made me feel so bad for her. Cause i know how it feels to be a social outcast at a young age. Honestly, but it was just so WEIRD. like omg what is going on. Why are you sitting here quietly trying to hold my hand? And it used to always be a thing that every thanksgiving her and her two brothers would tackle me and stuff then drag me upstairs and have me play with them. Not like that..really bad impression now that i said the above statemtn lololol but seriously it was really innocent humour that even i was amused with cause when i was 15 they were like...6 and 9 so i felt like i was all mr big stuff carrying around and wrestling three smaller kids haha. But now im older and so are they and yeahh just not into those games. SO awkward thanksgiving. but ive been through worse haha.

So this whole socially awkward thing...has to go...idk what is wrong with me but i need a ego boost.

Just fell asleep with laptop still open and dreamt that i was late for work got to work and saw theresa and had a good ol fun time at work like i usually do with theresa...woke up and ive only been asleep for an hour...i need a drink. lol holy shit. im literally going to make myself a greygoose and canada dry right now...f this..hahaha well after this shot im going back to bed for...30 mins...then time for work

Freshair

Ive been trying to read my old blog again more, to remember who i am. I feel like thats the first step to becoming who i want to be. Its causing me to become realllyy anti-social because im really not in the mindset for such strain due to sickness, death, and self insecurities but like i said becfore, pushing me only makes me push back harder. My ego is on the line and i think out of everything ive ever believed in thats the last thing that will ever fail me. Even if insanity takes me i will have my pride. Im not going to lie, i havent been feeling myself for the past...since the last post...feels like its been a long time within this internal war. I guess im meant for self inflicted drama.

Quitting smoking has once again failed...after 24 hours i fucking bought a pack lol. Idk whats going on but somethings wrong..im feeling that gnawing feeling on my chest again which as caused me to go crazy and i cant seem to find that blog post about what that meant haha. Cause i remember i wrote it down but ehh. I almost fought my highschool friend arthur last night, and 4 other guys. I was high and i regret smoking deeply. I smoked with him before but this time i felt like it was me chris kanji and minh vs them and i heard it. They said, "Lets wait until a couple of them leave and see if we can get them" Or something like that like they were going to jump us. I was getting really bad vibes and i know they dont exist i convinced myself last time this happened. So no matter how much of a bad trip i was having i was trying to have fun. One of arthurs friends started recording me and i took that offensively...im lucky i didnt punch him. Kanji chris minh arthur and i met of today and hung out and it was fine...idk. haha Im going nuts...should stop smoking for a while again.

im going back to the fundementals of my old morals. Simply remove everything that isnt making me happy. Remove sickness, remove sadness and lonliness. Im loosing felings for theresa at an exponential rate. I realize ive been lying to myself. I want a real relationship and in a relationship i dont see gender roles. I see a take and give exchange. I give love and get it in return. I put in communication and get communication in return. I hold your burdens and you hold mine in return. People speak of love these days as if its a new word..something completely different from what i know of it to be. To understand happiness you must understand sadness. Therefore to understand love..the greatest happiness, you have to be willing to suffer the greatest saddness if shit happens. People relate love to life because to actually love another you must give your everything and be more than willing to die for that person at any given second. To love someone, ive found, is the hardest thing to do in life. I havent seen any of these traits from her and though ive messed up i feel like ive put in so much more communication than she has. Shes playing the game and im trying to just live life, thats the difference. im more than open to a relationship..i just expect an equal and opposite communication. I read her tumblr today and it says "Girls dont contact guys because they dont want to seem obsessive or clingy." True, maybe to other dudes.

But ive come to realize im not any other dude. haha I have nothing special to me and thats whats so special about me. All i have is my open mind. Some dudes have that and more. shit go for the dudes that are really smart and can dance too..maybe a mit student or a guy with enormous amounts of swag. Maybe a complete douchebag thats just as openminded as me, smart in everything he touches, athletic, multilingual, talented with a musical instrument and know how to dance. I actually know several men that fit that description. I guess im finally opening myself up and saying im tired of girls and of people that expect more of me. Im a very dull person and im very happy the way i am for now because if im not happy of who i am now then when would i ever be? Im trying to find someone right for ME.

Now thats off my chest phew umm yeah not smoking anymore for a while..ive been feeling really antisocial so today i went to a hangout, socialized as much as i could and people know i can get quiet and they just leave me be because i can be a really awkward turtle lol. I just like to enjoy the show from afar. So people were drinking and high and smoking hookah today and sure i smoked hookah and enjoyed two drinks but i was just glad i was with my friends and i hope they know tha because everyone pulled me away from the laptop since i was sitting all alone in the living room watching tv episodes for a period of time while they were drunk making prank calls and just having fun haha. Ive learned that if anything, cherish the most simple things cause after college everyone around me is going to miss it but im not. because instead im honestly just enjoying it for what it is while its here haha.

I think im loosing more weight but i ate a fuckton today. 3 baconators with large fries and a soda each time a big fucking plate of pasta 2 footlong subs and 2 packs of instant noodles. I was really hungry today and idk why..maybe from the munchies last night lol. i got soo baked hahaha. and mind you i woke up at 4pm today so i ate like...every hour lol. umm what else?

I havea funeral to go to tomorrow but i dont have a suit for it unfortunately. I somehow lost my dresapnts, black dress shirt and my favorite tie. WTF idk where they went they just vanished. something tells me i probably brought it somewher but forgot it but idk where and it must have been a long time ago lol. fml

well i just needed to let people know that not a single fuck was given this day and im ready to enjoy myself as of tomorrow YEAH lol snap back bro. we;; time to sleeep lol funeral and thanksgiving dinner then work tomorrow :D

past bedridden

I lost my sense of taste.. im eating my favorite cape cod chips and i feel so bad because im wasting them...i cant taste them. Icant smell anything and im loosing weight again. Sigh Sickness. You shoulda saw me last night i was fucking pathetic. On top of being sick and missing her I got a phone call that my favorite uncle died. Well....Just thinking about it now is mking me sad, he was pretty freakin awesome. He reminded me most like my grandfather. Very selfless he just oozed of happiness and idk how to discribe it. He just knew how to genuinely smile. I tried to learn from him and gmy grandfather cause i feel like that is the best thing in the world, sharing happiness by doing or saying absolutely nothing. The way my uncle thought was very intellectual he couldnt read write or speak a lick of english but he was enjoying his life. He worked as a....I honestly dont know what he worked as haha, i knew him for my whole life and for my whole life he was retired....hes pretty old. But me and him used to sit and bond and laugh because i was one of the few males in the family tree...one out of the 7. 3 of them being under 15 years old and 3 of them not having the last name tsui. Leaving me to be very special The only tsui to pass on the tsui name in the family. haha Idk he used to call me mr. president cause i was always a rebel and i told him i didnt like growing up. He would start conversations cause my parents would tell him how i fucked up. But it wasnt anything like he was lecturing me..thats why i liked him ever since i was little. He would just say well mr. president. You should do good in school be smart, learn how to live on your own then become president, that way you could make the rules. It wasnt in a lecture tone...he has a tone that made it sound like..This is what you are going to do because that is what your good at. It was a very influential tone. now that i think of it.. I laughed at that idea every family reunion but he didnt stop calling me mr president over the years O.o. Haha. Such genuine people...sucks that this world isnt filled with more of them.

I was honestly quite surprised im so sad about death. That was my first time receiving the call..and it was my sister. I wasnt with them cause she said she didnt have enough time to pick me up from campus cause there was no time but i really wanted to go :\. I was at poker night with the guys and enjoying a beer...Trying to keep my head occupied with numbers and strategy and it was working. How do you discribe such sadness? Im grieving not because i miss him or im sad in any way like i expected people would if they passed away..im grieving out of respect, because i feel like he brought something great into this world. I established a long time ago that when i die i want my body burned and i dont want a funeral. I want a celebration because i believe that anyone that loves me enough to attend my funeral doesnt deserve to be sad due to my death. Im going to continue making people laugh and smile even when i die haha.

So enough about death if you want to read more about death go to my oldblog or something XD

Im fucking sick! cant taste shit! my sister knew i was sick so she went grocery shopping cause she knows im a fatass and eats everythign when im home. Im eating this delicious jar of pickles and im getting stressed cause i cant taste it T_T. haha Same goes for the capecod kettle cooked chips. argg. My life is shit right now.

She continues to ignore my texts but she texts me good morning..exams are here so i dont blame her but idk i hope i still have a chance to patch things up haha. but ehh..ima go now.

bedridden.

justify

Lately im been really physically tired...then again i always was cause i forever lack sleep so even then i sleep at midnight and wake up at 8 for several days straight i know there will still be a likelyhood that my sleeping schedule would still have me exhausted throughout the day. I have so much fucking energy. But now i noticed...damn..i miss feeling 100 percent because then i honestly feel like i could do anything...besides run. The only time i was 100 percent was with theresa..but Damn been running around alot this weekend and my lungs cant handle it haha smoker fail i need to quit! Rawr. Im going to finish this pack and just...not buy any. If anything ill bum one haha

This weekend was my get away cause i went to wellsley thinking alright i feel like i just broke up with a girlfriend i dont have...i need to spice it up. We were all completely trashed..started drinking beers at 8 then went to wellsley at 9 buzzed pregamed more with 151 and vodka also smoked with arthur and some of the friends there then drank some more...i wasnt smoking to get high i was smoking to just get crossfaded haha alchohol combined properly with weed make my body just...weird haha especially since i was a bit depressed god knows i would fuckin hate the night by the end if i were just drunk. You can tell i do this too much cause i know my body way too well haha but yeah it was really lame. Every girl there was freakin lesbian! And so i was just dancing with the dudes and creeping at the same time..closest i got to dancing with anyone was when i was just watching kanji wave like he usually does...and hes really good at it. I made eye contact with this one girl and smile she smiles back and since she was watching kanji too i just walked over and introduced myself and asked for a dance. She was like okay. We start dancing then this freakin lesbian grabs her from me and pulls her to the otherside of the dancefloor. *facepalm* lol so luckily i was not just drunk cause i would not have enjoyed it whatsoever...but i managed to enjoy it with the dudes and watch girls...some very attractive girls..makeout. it was a whooel new world lol. So moral of the story pregame before going to parties haha

Last night me and the more asian part of bfbg hung out and smoked lkke...7 coals of hookah. It was a chill sober night. Minh khang kanji and khangs room mates which are chill. Ive gotten closer to kanji now and hes super fun to be around haha minh is always a character and khang is just...well hes just a really chill dude haha so it was fun. Kanji is really good at smoke tricks so he picked up soap bubbles really quick and filled the room with them haha. I was smoking alot too but ehh maded one soap bubble and was like..yay! Then worked on keeping music playing and cameras rolling haha it was a really energetic night there were like 10 people smoking eating socializing and just chillling so ehh..i enjoyyed it :) we ended up meeting up with chris at around 1 and omfg jamal is such a ridiculous and funny drunk and everyone except the people i was with were trashed as we went to get food. One girl was found passed out outside bhop and nupd took her away cause she shat herself. And everywhere was just a show haha i enjoyed it it was halarious then we came back to khangs dorm and passed out. Haha

Edit::

So i finished eating..its late and i dont know what to do so i decided to pick up a book. I havent read this book in weeks and ive been carrying it in my bag for maybe as long as half a year, but i want to finish it and sometimes all im really looking for is a book to read. I read for thirty minutes then stopped..cause i started thinking. This is also why i read..its not to enjoy the book lol when i say "I like to leisurely read" That doesnt mean i like books..well sometimes i do cause dan brown books..damn i blew through those and they were like crack..but for the most part they are definitely a period of reflection for me. Once i get into my reading mood and read im able to block everything out Im reading but at the same time im organizing my thoughts and bouncing them off the context in front of me. Its very easily for me to just...stop reading and straight daydream with this book though cause its from Stephen king and its titled Insomnia. Its mindfucking creepy and about a guy that never sleeps. Sounds fimilar? well its kinda like me. Its about this old man that its trying to get by even though hes insomniac because old people sleep less...and his wife died years ago. So hes a dude thats just trying to take it a day at a time but his body is starting to see hallucinations and reality begins to blend with dream due to his lack of sleep.

Anywho...what im trying to get at is..im lost. not because of lack of sleep..but because there is something missing.. I feel a knot in my chest that ive never felt before. I think i fucked up this time and bad. I feel like a mess..I still think about her all the time...but im scared because i think its too late. By now i would have forgotten about any girl, but theresa is different and i cant shake it but i dont know what to do. sigh* I feel like we just got into a fight and stopped talking but then give it a couple days and the feelings come right back..haha Im like a bipolar raging vagina. *shrugs* I wish i didnt read that book. I need a drink cause i have no more cigs haha Its like forgetting about this girl is out of the question. What is this sorcery?! haha My question is...why didnt she ever comply and show her feelings as well? i mean...the only reason why someone is willing to tell another they like them is because they are not afraid of rejection..*shrugs* questions are popping up again haha

Im listening to my 5 songs from the killers again cause welp..i just dont know what to do and it has been my fail proof playlist for any situation. Depressed? Stressed? need to fall asleep? want some good music? or just need to study? Listen to The killers- "Sweet Talk", "Goodnight, Travel Well", "This river is wild", "Sam's Town", then "Daddy's eyes" respectively. It was my cure for any situation haha has been for years. The tempo and lyrics and mood of all of these songs in this order work like a massage to me haha.

Well ive decided im going to sleep im too tired haha The playlist helped me decide cause there are somethings friends, blog, food, gym and music just cant help with. and when that happens theres cigs..but since i dont have any so shit...rage quit haha. Actually bump that. i never rage quit..im going to the gym. lol...fuck i dont have a gym shirt...just checked. Im going to study. -_- YOU CAN NEVER LOSE STUDYING! *nods*

hot and bothered

Before i get this day started and snap back i want to document a reminder. Dont sound so desperate on voicemails XDD but there was a time limit. i wanted to say have a good day and stuff but oh well. hahha shit! i need to quit my job. JOB HUNTING TIMEEE haha

Editt:

So today was productive, i got my phone fixed, i updated my resume and i signed up for 6 places to work: best buy, sugart heaven, unos, club monaco, panera, and city sports. got a response from 1 already and interview tomorrow. Club Monaco! im excited to work there...not really. haha but it looks much of the clothes are hung so it cant be that bad...right? Everyone says its really bad >.>. like..10x worse than anf. but its a job...i just have to remember that. You dont have to like it. it pays 10 bucks an hour so i cant complain especially if i double with anf

My day was really rough but i trucked it and kept her in the back of my mind. Theres alot of unanswered questions and i honestly woke up and instantly established that i rather not have them answered. I dont mind missing someone that i know will be around but to miss someone that randomly ignores people and seems lackey....Everyone knows ive dealt with wayyy too much shit alone so if im to play any game im definitely not playing that game. First time it was okay, people fuck up everyone fucks up. i tried to treat her even better afterward and never mentioned it didnt even think about it but twice? call me clingy if you must but there is a bond growing and bonds are only worth as much as the communication is invested in it. There is nothing postive to ever come about not communicating, definitely ignoring so meh. I did my part. This goes for friends and people you like. Notice how im trying to justify my side because in the back of my head i thought she was really cool but hey i should be used to failures by now right? Ironic how i was trying to define a player and i defined it as someone that flirts then randomly stops talking and i was refered to as one by karina and yet here it goes happening to me and what happens? This only further deepens my image of a player to all the girls in the world. sigh*

It also didnt help that i read my old blog last night. I remembered why i have commitment issues and why if start its either a red light or a green light.sure i can take it very slow, maybe too slow for some girls but thats only if shes the right person and i feel like she deserves that respect and id rather get to know her as much as possible and have her get bored of me than just fuck her and continue from there. Theres a time and place for everything. I wrote an entire post actually about me reading my old blog then immediately regretting it because of all the memories that started to come back. haha Those memories are probably the reason why i woke up in the morning bipolar and all like..ACK! DRAMA! GO AWAYYYYY! hahaha it was a post about how i accept my past...i told myself i did...at first...then the memories made me realize why i switched blogs and why i never read that other one but hell...like i said in the post i deleted. I was fucking brilliant. If someone told me i cant conversate properly because im no longer talking from the perspective of my oldself (the person i grew up thinking who i am to be my whole life) i wouldnt blame them. There is a clear boundary though and please...just glance and you can tell..the writing and tone and emotions that just rush..at least for myself..are completely different from this blog haha mind you it has only been a year. Fucking fascinating right? I change very quickly. www.roadkillinfo.blogspot.com

I feel bad that i stopped contact with lauren...honestly she was the first person i stopped talking to cause i knew shed always be there and i dont abuse it, im very grateful of that and thats why i come right back and tell her how much i love her haha. Its just i really thought this was gunna go somewhere.

I want my longboard. I miss gliding. Its so fast pace that i literally cant think of anything except the music im listening to and how hard my board can hug the next curve. I miss the miles of longboarding..it was passionate..it really was..and she could never say no haha. She kept going up until even i couldnt ride her anymore without feeling bad cause of what i done. BUT HEY!! i applied my griptape today..it took 30 mins and i was reallly careful not to hurt the board cause for a period of time i had to use a power drill to show the screwholes. lol

So many fish there in the sea
I wanted you, you wanted me
That's just a phase, it's got to pass
I was a train moving too fast

Didn't understand what to see
Yeah, then I got a different view
It's you...no.

Wait, I'm gonna give it a break.
I'm not you friend,
I never was.
I said wait, I'm gonna give it a break.
I'm not your friend,
I never was.

So many fish there in the sea
She wanted him, he wanted me
That's just a phase, it's got to pass
I was a train moving too fast

Yeah, I know you warned me
But this is too important
Now I got a different view
It's you...

Why can't you wait?
I'm gonna give it a break
I'm not you friend,
I never was
I said wait, I'm gonna give it a break
I'm not you friend,
I never was.


This song is very poetic. one of my favorites from The strokes. Its called automatic stop and it matches this situation perfectly. The things that one might not understand that i understood after i related is that when when he said "i got a different view...its you...no" It means i dont thing any differently about you its just im usually always changing but when i saw you i thought you were different and things slowed down...i finally saw something new..but well...guess not haha. but then it says, "Why can't you wait?/ I'm gonna give it a break/ I'm not you friend,/ I never was" It means why cant she just give me a moment to figure out whats going on cause im not going to slow down but i know one thing for sure i wasnt your friend, i never was. I was aiming for more ever since the beginning. haha Its kinda creepy when you explain it and its kinda morally incorrect to me cause i believe people have to be friends before anything but hey..The guy was tryin to be poetic and he was...give him props. Kudos to Julian Casablanca.

Which brings me to the next topic. I guess this is who i am. A confused hopelessly lost romantic. haha cause when i am in this state all my music on my phone becomes awesome again. haha This semi depressing yet subliminally uplifting music is what i listen to on a daily fucking basis. I guess this is why im not making any progress haha

cant sleep

i got questions in my head and i miss her. nevr thought id get so knotted up jut saying to someone i miss you. Humm ill try to sleep it off

Player

So i was right, i could only dwell in this calm lifestyle for so long before im tempted to up and do something. I have so much to change about myself and i have a a new heart ive been given and ive been cherishing it but i havent fully grasped it yet. I lied, i cant conversate completely yet. I need to become the man i wrote about 2 post ago, that father figure, its never ever too early to be that guy. I need to be more responsible, more on top of things, more charasmatic and more strong willed.

What do i mean by this new heart? Well idk, but my chest feels like theres a weight off of it thats been there for years, maybe its because of theresa cause its true i havent liked anyone in a really long time...I feel like even after i gave away so many peices of myself to the 100s of failures it has all come back to zero, somehow. But that leaves me like an empty shell.

Lots of metaphors i know. Ive been thinking about what to write for the past two hours by sitting completely still and digging into that piece of me thats always there but i try to run away from haha. I dug into my distraught self poked at it a couple times and asked why one too many times so im trying to vomit on this page and rid myself of as much as possible before i put it behind a wall again and try to cherish this calm lifestyle.

idk what to say now..just writing that ive been poking at myself makes my head blank..i dont wanna think about it. haha

Thanks to doug me and chris bonded on a deeper level. he was there and pulled out the conversation of girls. He said why do i look to fuck every girl in a very unbias manner, chris concurs and says he believes that the only worthwhile relationship with a girl is one that is beyond lust and people like me harrison and alfred only do it for our ego and insecure reasons. He wants to destroy his ego and just live by simply being. I took that response in a very respectable light and the first thing i thought and laughed at was well...if you looked even slightly under the surface you could clearly tell im a mess. I smoke and drink/party way too much...almost as if im trying to escapse something, i never want to go home and i seem as if im not the most reliable person. On top of that to prove it i clearly have egoistic and self esteem issues due to the amount of girls i go after. That was my first thought in my head. All which i wish to change. My next thought is ego.

Id say there are only two things that have allowed me to be alive and typing on this computer today, or i would have happily ran off a bridge a long time ago. Those two things are my ego and hope. My ego has kept me curious of what i can overcome and i try and do the most stupidest things simply for this reason, which is why im the most functional drunk youll ever meet :D its my ego refusing to be taken control of. Hope is the idea that like this new "heart" and the possibility that i even could get out of the mental mess i was in 2 years ago and become "human" i consider them miracles..honestly every fiber in my being was rooting for me to fail because i knew it was theoretically impossible to get out of such a mess. I had to essentially like someone without using emotions. lol wut. Only way thats possible is love at first sight thats not what happened but hey! it worked out...somehow. *shrugs* im not complaining.

Anywho I relized me doug and chris compliment each other perfectly but thats because were all open minded.

Me and kanji are back to normal now! yay we had a couple drinks and smoked together again recently couple times and had a blast. uhh fuck my head is burying shit again i really need to get rid of these walls to change anything about me..but its so impossible.

I was hanging out with theresa today and i immediately noticed my mind went into defense mode when i saw her. This made the whole meet up rather dull in my option. She talked most of the time and i kept my head on my shoulders and listened unbiasly. Idk why i cant let myself go yet *shrugs* she was telling me about her crush and i honestly didnt feel sad cause i thought hey if its me then im doing something right if its not then i shouldnt care anyways right? haha

Ive been hearing the word player get thrown around alot lately. Karina stopped talking to me..well more like i stopped talking to her cause she made it so hard for me to keep in touch so i said fuck it. Lol i called her right before i stopped texting her asking her what was the matter and why didnt we click. She said alot of bu and bls people asked her why shes friends with me on fb cause im a player and a jerk and i should be friends with her. *Shrugs* fair enough even if im interested in a girl that would be enough for me to be like woah! reputation haha. then theresa said the same word she said i like i player and thats why my friend is strongly against it but i cant help it. What does that term mean? player? what do players even do? just flirt then walk away? honestly i laugh at me being a player if im actually a player then i fail as much at being a player has the coyote is at catching a roadrunner. lol The thought just astounds me but hey apparently emily has been spreading my name around bu *shrugs* haha

Okay ive gotten completely off topic. I was suppose to talk about masculinity and my objective to become the man i need to be. Im not going to say i havve higher priorities even though this post clearly shows otherwise but uh...i need to change that too! Stop worrying so much about women! holy shit. I need to be more independent. I switched my brand of cigs to a more harsh brand. Its actually brought down my count of cigs greatly. Its cause they are digusting and if i was to smoke them for any reason besides addiction they would taste absolutely disgusting lol.

well time to get some sleep :D

opposites but attracted

Ive been listening to alot of dream theater and just really seriously inhaling oxygen feeling it in my lungs and enjoying this stable moment in my life. Im so grateful for the world around me because its rare that there is a period of time where my life is steady and leaning more to the happy side. I went to my favorite spot today with big thomas and lily billy and we sat there for what seemed like more than an hour. Where is my favorite spot? the waterfront at night all the way out on the dock past fanuel hall. The sky and view and weather is always beautiful there and we just sat silent and just...enjoyed. alot of happy moments happened there...all the dates i take girls on must go there at least once if im truely interested. that way that spot for me is nothing but pure when i step on that dock and enjoy the breath of fresh air. ive had countless life epiphanies in the past just sitting there enjoying several cigs for however long i feel...i could stay there for hours. As you can tell, im much more focused on the finer beauties of life now and i sincerely cherish them because life is always changing and i would hate it if i enjoyed it like this forever haha if i was always happy there would be no change so when it happens, it is all the sweeter. It made me think of her. I intend to take her to the waterfront one day if she hasnt been yet.

Ive learned to conversate better again and umm weird thing is my pool skills are lacking hard but ehh. I know why though. More controversy lies in my life but it confuses me in a positive way...but any type of confusion throws off my pool game haha.

funny story:
I went to a party recently and it was as if it was meant to be...i got there late cause of work and when i saw my friends i immediately tried to go to them but for some reason there was an obstruction in my path. It was a girl sitting down drunk and i accidently like..shoved my crotch several times into her head cause i was trying to walk and wondering why i couldnt lol she looks up like...wtf???? i apologize and try to hug it out she pushes me away like who the fuck are you? so i dap her and shes like..okay haha and she forgives me. I go talk to my friends and lala in the end me and her get very nicely acquainted. after several jagerbombs and jelloshots we talk dance and have fun lol we were the only two dancing but we were having fun...the night went on as if it was meant to be and we had fun we ended up leaving the party together sitting down and just trading info and talking for an hour...then she leans in and we made out. girl took the initiative...so sexy haha. Shes really bad at texting so we text once a day to each other max and she wants me to go to bu this weekend...oh what to do. lol she sounds like a typical party girl but we clicked and shes clearly someone more than the drunk girl that was in front of me cause we drunk bonded. idk...i dont want to ruin what ive built with theresa i dont have that bone in me. I find it okay to hook up with someone if you like someone else because you know where your heart belongs...or hook up with two girls you dont have feelings for...but to hook up with two girls im are attracted to....thats against my morals.

Me and theresa are better than ever. Shes putting her 50% in and every time she comes into work...it doesnt matter how tired i am i wake up and im able to work for hours on end again. Shes been purposely coming into work an hour early to study but its nice to see her because i usually have to leave eaxctly when she gets in haha idk what to do with this other girll. i woke up the morning after, glad i didnt go back to bu with her but the night lingered in my mind...its like wow..she compleely took me off my feet cause it just... worked..A girl that doesnt like that game just like me. Fascinates me. youre attractive you think im attractive cool. Lets go outside and talk: youre functional drunk and i am too cool. You can hold a good conversation and we have similar interests too perfect thats good enough to make a move. Of course the sober conversation afterward was freakin awkward. From the little that we text i could tell that she didnt really like my sense of humor sober and i honestly know nothing about her sober day to day self. So it makes it easy to not think of her. Funny thing is she studies med too...humm who woulda known i would be attracted to med students?

Anywho..im just going to go with the flow :] and right now im really happy with theresa :]

What have i done?

shit...well ummm...this should be a rollercoster ride. not going to say what happen cause i dont even quite understand what happened myself haha but fuck i need to larn how to comversate again...and fast...like now.

fuckin fight?

I hate my life. WTF was happening? everyone at the party hated me, so i thought and legit i had to take my jacket off cause i thought this dude was gunna fight and and he went crazy then someone stopped him and said something and they kept walkin. fuckin partying with 18 and 19 year olds suck. there was once i was putting in my headphones cause i wanted to listen to a song and the guys were being like lonerrr and shit talking to each other trying to make it a conversation and laughing. I dont fucking like partying with people so young cause they dont understand the concept of chillin yet. They just started partying. alot of times when i do that at northeastern someone joins me cause we just dont need to party to have fun. Fuck shits im getting so pissed now. I woulda knocked them all in the face. This chick dressed hood and looked like a complete dude was so disrespectful. I was jst on the side alone enjoying my drink and i finally introduce myself and they are like oh shitt maned up maned up! and i was like im fucking from boston, im from hydepark for 12 years and roslindale for 5 the chick has a pen acts like she trips and falls in front of me and shes like oh sorry i tripped trying to measure your penis with my pen. SO FUCKING IGNORANT. holy fucking shit. everyone was laughing and she notices im not laughing and she was like yo we just playing with ou and im like no thats fuckin disrespect and i dont play like that i have no more respect for you neither so im walking away pleasure meeting you. Fucking ended up leaving cause i just chilled outsid for about a half hour i couldnt stand with the fucking place but when i went back in i felt like everyone was grilling me ugly and i was about to go to the dancefloor and three dudes like fuck this game of beer pong let me go and everyone laughed so i fuckin left. walked an hour and a half trashed lost and now finally home

So i wanna fuckin fight alot of people right im angry trashed. Fuck and that dike when i was chillin here for about fiftenn mins she had the audacity to say im going to the dancefloor i feel too diverse right now. Fuck you clearly stating your ignorant. Just bad night i wish i just went home..call me fobby cause i chill in my fresher clothes then you cause youre in highschool and probably a drop out. i wanted to fight that girl cause im not sexist if the girl acts like a man there is no chivalry i can use to respond to that so im going to treat you like the man you think you are. *spits*

I talk soo much shit now cause i couldnt fight at my childhood friends place cause once i start i hit everyone in a arm distance. Fuck cant stand people ignorant people. arggg bfbg, i promise you i will not party without you again.

phoneblog!

This will be the first time i ever blogged via my phone. Haha i came on campus after work cause i was exhuasted and when im exhuasted i dont need to sleep, i just need to see friendly faces. Right when i got on campus eustis called me and me and him walked around for 40 mins looking for food then we settled at uhop cause nowhere else was open that accepted husky dollars. I ended up missing the last train so i was like whatever the last bus comes ten minutes after the last train....it never came...so now im at my friends place bored haha.

I was honestly thinking about quitting anf today cause i was thinking about her and why she would ignore me..then i realized she probably read that i called her the stupidest girl on my blog lol sorry i didnt mean it so literally i just didnt like how you kept rejecting me and for a guy trying his best i thought my blog would be a safe place to vent... hope nothing will be awkward the next time we meet cause im never awkward :D but im glad youre reading my blog. Lol i just sometimes forget who might be reading it...i always just assume from time to time its lauren but its mostly for myself. It helps improve my memory. Lol anywho if you are still reading my blog that means amends may be an option. Im very sorry haha i didnt mean it seriously...and i have serious commitment problems so for me to even let myself become attracted to you and give you my blog was a insanely gigantic step...maybe too big. Shrugs* other than that i cant figure out why the sudden disapperance.

It actually feels weird everyday cause i used to only text you and now that i dont my phone is just..forver fully charged and just an ipod for a poor selection of music. I hate all the music on my phone! Blah! Well thats a lie but i dont have music to share, i always listen to pretty slow songs...close to meditation music haha. Thats nothing i can blast on speakers so my phone is pretty much just a brick for the most part...

I had the chance to play dan today he fucking destroyed me..i was so pissed and i needed to go to work and i got super competitive cause i know i can beat him on my a game...at least give him a hard time. Hes so freakin intimidating thoguh...im like the gohan and hes vegeta and fuckin bochen is goku. I learned the proper form and proper fundementals for every aspect of pool underneath them and now danny is finally back even though he graduated. Danny mike ray and bochen are known as the top 4 i already beat mike...ray gave up on pool but he used to be as good as bochen fuckin danny was the weakest link but was was always too nub to vs him and now he leveled up ridiculously. I cant wait for next semester. So fucking excited. Bochen and danny are coming back on campus and they plan to teach me all they know since im at a teachable level to them now haha then their going to graduate and hopefully ill be the best billards player at neu. FUCK YES there will still be competition though...but alot less cause everyone is graduating ehehe buwahaha. Freakin arthur wanted to play him though just to experience it and i couldnt tell him to fuck off since hes my bro so i just went to work distraught. Arthur is the friend ive been trying to teach and the one i got to rage quit so he wouldnt even see the difference between me and dan cause he hasnt gotten through the basics of positioning yet...but w?e i had to go to work. I cant wait for the pool tournement tomorrow grrr dan is fucking mine. I cant wait until arthur gets better though too he has alot of potential and he has the heart for it i need new competitive to improve so im really trying to get comfortable with my skills so i can properly teach him lol. Luckily he needs help on positioning more than shooting cause i cant teach shooting for shit. Anywho billards is starting to subsitute for the lack of longboard in my life and im not complaining. Grr. Cleaning the table in one turn for these guys are only the beginning of the game. Haha

That was a really long rant on pool haha as you can tell, i need something to kill me even more empty life now. I have classes sure but im milking them like w/e it really is no problem.

im going to sleep noww going to wake up early and fucking play pool before anyone else gets there so i can play alone. Problem with going early though is there is still alot of people that want to play me and they bother me and end up not helping me practice cause they are too nubbie. Haha sorry just stating facts pool is a amental game so it bloats my ego. Haha

Epic post is epic

I do miss this feeling of attraction and it is you. After i dealt with internal affairs i realize i still have a loss of appetite and daydream whenever i think of you. I lack sleep wondering why shit happens and my sisters and my closest friends just say thomas?! caught up?! aha but its true. *shrugs* dont fucking push me away cause i will go away! :[ i dont play games and now i semi regret it cause something tells me you know exactly what youre doing. Im using a lot of pro nouns i know Im talking about theresa. goddamnit. its one of those moments where i just rub my forhead and shake my head cause im handcuffed. she told me four times to back off..i think thats safe to say shes not interested now shes ignoring me! blah! whatever..fucking girls. But for some reason i still have hope. haha i do miss this feeling..last time was uh...selin 3 years ago...lol. Since i rarely like girls and find the weirdest ones attractive th journey from point a to b is always bumpy eh..phew now thats off my head

Ive been really hungover my sisters criticism, she said, "before you woo a girl you have to be their closest friend first, why cant you talk to every girl like you do with lauren or monica?" and i think HUMM cause unlike girls like lauren and monica i cant go up to the girls on campus and say "btw i miss you and your legs look amazing today." LOL im very upfront and if i have to hold a little back then i dont know what i CAN put out there so conversation=FAILS. but i feel like her advice can lead to some great epiphany in due time and i have this hutch it contains a truth im overlooking, document that shit.

Pool. i kick assss im reaching the level where i Know what im doing. THANK YOUUU mental truama. Since pool skill is like a muscle you work it until it gets stretched then you sit and fail for a bit due to overworking it but then watch it grow! i cleared 13 balls in one turn perfect positioning lol. i got my friend to instant rage quit even though i was teaching him haha and yes! that means i am that much closer to teaching people! my positioning is better than my accuracy though so if anything flakes, itll be my shooting...i know im far from being able to teach that but still yay me haha

speaking of friends. Ive been thinking ever since the last post. Since i wrote it it made a more profound statement in my head...entj... E stands for entroverted...why am i considered extroverted? Then i realized it today when i was hanging out with chris. Btw chris is back to normal..or im back to normal which means chris is lol and i realizzed chris is very extroverted. Extroverted people mean that their thoughts and mood and ideas come from reflecting off another persons thoughts and mood and ideas. Introverted means you are the voice that brings out an extroverted persons full character if bonded correctly. and the extroverted compliments the introverted by giving the introverted more ideas. Okay difference is: extroverted think and notice alot but cant word it as well so they rely on the introverted, the people that know themselves and able to speak their mind. i wouldnt say extroverted are in any which way dependant or a downgrade from that of an introverted... introverted just think with their mouth and extroverted think to themselves, its the opposite of what i thought it was. This made sense to me when i met up with chris tonight and when i came in me, he was playing portal 2 and i was enjoying watching him. but when vitalis came in he turned off the tv and it was just as interesting and fun. I was actually really surprised at how well i related to the conversation and the polar opposite situations made it easy to debunk this puzzle in the back of my head. Vitalis, as you can assume is very introverted. I hope im defining these words right and not just redefining them due to a single case senerio, but it makes sense. Anywho i found this sociological study absolutely fascinating. Doug, even though he is an entj he can also be very introverted which is why im so comfortable with him. :OOO aka i need to meet more introverted people to be happy! YAY haha not saying chris doesnt make me happy lol he is the strangest character ive ever met. Only extroverted characters have the potential become stranger than any introverted cause they need to adapot to any type of environment in order to bounce their ideas off lol. OMG i feel like i should take a psych exam right now :3 hahah

I still notice that alot of time i drift out of conversations and daydream though...i cant conversate with only two people yet and i cant stay involved when theres more.. ehh..its a working progress.

Speaking of friends...kanji...what to do with you? everyone is back to normal except you. You strange little thing im still feelings awkwardness from you...why? Then i remembered the term "fake" lol good ol highschool term. everytime he hangs out with me he keeps complimenting me on how nice i am..enough to make it obvious and i usually take that as a compliment but from him i feel like hes saying it like, "why the fuck are you always so nice to me even though i hate you?" I bought some redbull for him once and i didnt sign and just walked away and hes like, "Thanks buddy, you dont have to sign? and then he started to mumble and he said something li9ke you should watch your debit card cause someone can easily just take it and...something but i think he said...) use all your money if youre so nice" Im like....only someone with that intent would think that...and i assume that if im constantly nice then i would get the same respect back. Idk kanji man i got my eye on you. Youre a cool dude but i dont trust you...dont become a ben and turn all my friends against me. Hes been looking for me just to bum cigs these days too..wtf bro?

Anywho what else is going on? project longboard is on its way...freakin bought new trucks and transparent griptape so i can show off my board lol i need wheels though! GRR and i have bearings.

Im starting to hit the gym again. Kinda sad cause instead of my pecs(manboobs) growing after insane chest workout it shrunk >:[ fucking beech. now its just solid flat muscle lol. NEEEDS MORE FAT KTHXBYE