When the Stars Align

I need to blog this dream i had lastnight because i dont believe its true. I tried meditation again. It didnt work..and usually when i try and fail it leaves me in the bitter part of my mind and i suffer a night of the most graphic nightmares like the inception dream i had a long time ago...id never forget that dream *shivers*. but i was listening to the killers until i fell asleep and i guess thats not something i usually do while trying this? well everything was different this time. I dont have a single rop of anger in me anymore so theres nothing to fuel the nightmares if i failed. This is the first time i tried it with just a moderate amount of stress and idk my mindset was just different. When i used to meditate i honestly didnt know where my center was but i knew the source was somewhere in my torso. I guess thats why i capped because with so much experience and no actual central point of control it worked like a shotgun, virtually firing off in all directions but there was so much energy that i could bring what i needed to where i needed. *shrugs* Its only a theory. Now whenever i practice i focus gently on a point a little below my belly button and that point travels through my body to the back. Thats the actual center. I didnt know that when i was little. lol.

Anywho blah blah blah so i was listening to "my list" and "goodnight travel well". after i got confortable i put goodnight travel well on loop and fell asleep to that. Before i slept i really emphasized on feeling weight on my body and really getting comfortable because i remember back then when i meditated it felt like gravity was a bit higher and every point on my body was a bit heavier. This allows stability and one less variable to worry about so my body wouldnt move once i went under. I remember i told my sister to push me when i was meitating once when i was 14 and she was young too but she felt as if i was pushing against her naturally so unless she put her body into it i wasnt moving anytime XD its a calm tense. So since i remembered that i combined that with my focus and the music and i felt the heat go into my hands and i began to feel my pulse at my fingertips as i dozed. There was a pinch within my palms as if i was clasping my hands together on a needle and it bothered me but then it dulled and it allowed me to maintain focus, doze but stay awake.

When i fell asleep i was in my house. the house i live in right now. i was in my bed as if i woke up suddenly to go to the bathroom. So i got up realized i couldnt feel my legs. I looked back and saw myself laying tere with my laptop light still on and my hands loosened and i was like...holy shit this is deep haha. Im fimilar with meditation even though i lost my center so i just sat there for a while...tried not to get too excited cause i would risk snapping out of it and just tried to stablize. when i was ready..I stretched, naturally because i was expecting knots since i was sore from the gym the day before. i still felt the soreness. Intrigued, I decided to grab onto the desk next to my body and pull myself up and i landed on something heavy like a surface. Like a flat surface idk...i guess thats how it feels like to float cause then i glided to the bathroom. I purposely dodged the mirror because i wanted to see how far this dream would go and i went to take a piss but nothing happened so i went to the living room. OH i also tried to open my sisters door but i couldnt push it open haha. I was exploring! it was so much fun. I remember getting really tired after that and sitting in the living room. I went into further meditation there and thats the parts i dont remember but i looked at the clock because i heard footsteps didnt actually see what time it was. the sun was still set but my parents were coming home from work even though they left at 3. Usually takes 6 hours at work. Since i went into deeper meditation i assumed that many hours has past by now and i forgot it was still a dream since i was controlling it so well So i rushed back in my room. I saw my body still there as it was and instinctively, as i usually do right when my parents are coming home, i jump into the bed. I heard the fimilar springyness of my bed when i jumped in then my parents saying "thomas youre still awake again?!" and due to the excitement i woke up. My parents just got home and i wasnt laying on my back anymore. i was laying on my left side. My parents pops theyre head in and sees me still awake but im really dazed, still remembering the entire dream. Idk what my parents say but i fall right back to sleep. Unfortunately i was more caught up on the dream and didnt see what time it was or didnt mind to look out the window. FAWK haha. I wanted to see if that was actually real but that was a crazy dream.

Some may say i actually managed to do that stuff...or i could have just stayed at a very light sleep, awoken naturally by the coming home of my parents. Humm... i dont think ill be able to do it again because id be too anticipated. Thats the thing i really need to get over...Numbing my emotions prior to the session so that i dont get excited or focus too much on any one physical variable. Like im surprised i was able to go under this time due to that pinch in my palms. usually id have too much add and focus too much on it..virtually failing and suffering the night. lol. Of course i was so exhausted the next morning that i woke up 3 hours late for work. LOL My body refused to move and i felt like i just pulled 2 all nighters in a row. At work for the whole day i was curious as to what i thought about sitting in the living room..Im so glad this session...wasnt sucessful but it was something brand new. 8+ years of experience and that never happened before haha.

The familiar curiosity and undying thirst for answers is back again. haha i love meditating but id screw up everything ive built thusfar. Anyone that says they can meditate and are in college are bullshiting you. lol it drains so much mental and physical energy that it has to be practiced as a career. I wish i was born a monk. I mean think about it, understanding yourself not only teaches you about yourself but the entire world. You wanna learn about that on the side while focusing on studying? impossible. People studying one topic such as business or law or engineering or what have you already takes at least a decade of commitment and undivided attention, especially when your in the field let alone spending well..depending on how good at meditating you are 1 hour in real life for me that was life...ehh..i dont remember but id say 1-3 hours in meditation haha that was at my prime. but still! learning so much id have to go into meditation for hours real life just to shuffle through all of it haha. Its exhausting mentally and physically and its time consuming..Id have no life

Trying to convince myself not to do it again for a while...lol. Watch me try again this christmas :D But then again this could all be coincidence..i mean honestly..i dont remember the last time i sucessfully meditated from beginning to end for hours on end. Imagine being able to have that dream on command. That would be so sick!! haha i might be able to go outside and explore as well but id have to really concentrate so i dont react to reactions if there are any. lol

OH VERY CREEPY! i did feel presences around me. I felt them coming closer as i sat in the livingroom...which is why im not going home tonight LOL so it was kinda a nightmare. I think i attracted spirits to my house to be honest ^_^'' haha its like insidious. o.o. *shivers* i have this REALLY creepy storage room and everytime i go into it and come back into the inhabited part of the house and lock the door. Im half expecting a ghost to be behind me and say "thanks for letting me in *cracks neck*" *shiverS* my dreams, over the years...due to meditation have left me with a very vivid imagination haha. But ive grown to welcome ghost. Theres alot worse to be afraid of inside your own head.

Edit::

I also think i understand theresa now...in my head haha. maybe shes not a player and shes just like me...looking for the right person and not putting her gaurd down the slightest bit until the very end to be sure its true. I sometimes forget guys can be assholes too cause honestly, Ive always only heard of girls hurting nice guys...thats because i surround myself with genuine people. haha. I saw her smile before i left work today and saw a genuine smile...something either a serious mindfucker can pull off or just a honest person does when they want to be truely sincere to another. im optimistic and have my whole life to build this relationship...but if she is genuine and shes going to use the same moves as i am...the question for me now is...how far am i willing to go? My response and this is when im strictly realist. Love is a lifetime and if youre going to wait until love then im out haha cause im not trying to be tied for life. haha I love lauren unconditionally because I trust HER...there was an equal and opposite communication there. thats the difference between her and any other girl that has ever entered my life. First, lets get over this trust thing before we go any further because i dont know anything about you besides the smiles and body language readings. Then again, through meditation ive learned how to lie from beginning to end, sending all the right signals showing all the right traits just to fit that person. Thats a real player. Do i/can i? no cause im too fucking unstable due to the amount of girls i had to go through to learn this XD, Girls these days got it all wrong. they think prince charming rides up to the castle and picks the girl off her feet and she dont have to do shit besides look pretty smile and maybe make some sandwiches. Real life is me on my decked out horse so that i see who looks my way then i go up to that castle and raise my sheild and go. HEY! who goes there?! oh damn you beautiful..come down here so i can holla. If the princess doesnt wanna get on my level so i can put my gaurd down? alright you keep your vagina on a pedistal and find that king then. PEACE haha i think whats happening now is the princess is looking like humm i like his horse...maybe he has something worthwhile but im comfy here. i got all my dresses to show off to all the guys that pass by...got my high ass castle to see over all the foolish dudes..yada yada yada. so im sitting outside like you suree you dont wanna come down? I shoot some fireworks to keep her entertained keep her laughing show her im worth it and shes like ohh now im liking the view even better from here cause hes pretty much going to keep doing that..im flattered. which then makes me down below think this beech is trying to play me like a fool. Lol Tell me when i go too far with this metaphor. So im going to sit here. Maybe attempt to set up a coupe days here and there to hang out so i can see you eye to eye and thats my final play OKAY?! 6 chins. thats as highhh as it goes. lol im heated. Regardless, id like you to ask me out. hell. If a girl ever asked me out. That is a damn keeper. lol the only girls that ask me to hang out with them now are lily billy..kim..and monica. One i swear is lesbian and the other two are fuckin taken...for the past 6 years ive known them lol. and lauren but i like asking lauren out cause i imagine her smile when she says yes :] lol. But at least she says yes and follows through everytime! goddamn. haha. so be prepared to say yes to hanging out more often or im out haha. Sure ill fall back after one or two hangouts but i just want to know youre commited enough to spend your time and be vunerable to me.

Like my sister said(the biggest slut in the world and yet gives the best advice): "I never even text my bf on a daily basis...i give it at least 5 hours because i need the chase and im busy throughout the day to constantly text! constantly texting means that your too free and you dont want to come off as someone that has nothing to do with your life. As for hanging out, i DEFINITELY dont hang out one on one with someone unless they are one of my closest friends...and even then! i dont hang out one on one...i bring all my best friends together and hang out at once. Hanging out one on one takes time and energy out of MY life for that ONE person and if im not interested in you why the hell would i do that? waste of precious time." So i said "Dont you want to get to know him if youre dating?" she replies, "Yeah a date sure, but we fuck at the end right? i mean honestly i need to know if hes good in bed to be his girl..thats the bottomline. Other than that, why would i want to get to know a guy if me and him are just fuck buddies??" LOL true story. its so skanky..and so unethical...yet its so ethical. Its uncanny. Well back to studying haha