Player

So i was right, i could only dwell in this calm lifestyle for so long before im tempted to up and do something. I have so much to change about myself and i have a a new heart ive been given and ive been cherishing it but i havent fully grasped it yet. I lied, i cant conversate completely yet. I need to become the man i wrote about 2 post ago, that father figure, its never ever too early to be that guy. I need to be more responsible, more on top of things, more charasmatic and more strong willed.

What do i mean by this new heart? Well idk, but my chest feels like theres a weight off of it thats been there for years, maybe its because of theresa cause its true i havent liked anyone in a really long time...I feel like even after i gave away so many peices of myself to the 100s of failures it has all come back to zero, somehow. But that leaves me like an empty shell.

Lots of metaphors i know. Ive been thinking about what to write for the past two hours by sitting completely still and digging into that piece of me thats always there but i try to run away from haha. I dug into my distraught self poked at it a couple times and asked why one too many times so im trying to vomit on this page and rid myself of as much as possible before i put it behind a wall again and try to cherish this calm lifestyle.

idk what to say now..just writing that ive been poking at myself makes my head blank..i dont wanna think about it. haha

Thanks to doug me and chris bonded on a deeper level. he was there and pulled out the conversation of girls. He said why do i look to fuck every girl in a very unbias manner, chris concurs and says he believes that the only worthwhile relationship with a girl is one that is beyond lust and people like me harrison and alfred only do it for our ego and insecure reasons. He wants to destroy his ego and just live by simply being. I took that response in a very respectable light and the first thing i thought and laughed at was well...if you looked even slightly under the surface you could clearly tell im a mess. I smoke and drink/party way too much...almost as if im trying to escapse something, i never want to go home and i seem as if im not the most reliable person. On top of that to prove it i clearly have egoistic and self esteem issues due to the amount of girls i go after. That was my first thought in my head. All which i wish to change. My next thought is ego.

Id say there are only two things that have allowed me to be alive and typing on this computer today, or i would have happily ran off a bridge a long time ago. Those two things are my ego and hope. My ego has kept me curious of what i can overcome and i try and do the most stupidest things simply for this reason, which is why im the most functional drunk youll ever meet :D its my ego refusing to be taken control of. Hope is the idea that like this new "heart" and the possibility that i even could get out of the mental mess i was in 2 years ago and become "human" i consider them miracles..honestly every fiber in my being was rooting for me to fail because i knew it was theoretically impossible to get out of such a mess. I had to essentially like someone without using emotions. lol wut. Only way thats possible is love at first sight thats not what happened but hey! it worked out...somehow. *shrugs* im not complaining.

Anywho I relized me doug and chris compliment each other perfectly but thats because were all open minded.

Me and kanji are back to normal now! yay we had a couple drinks and smoked together again recently couple times and had a blast. uhh fuck my head is burying shit again i really need to get rid of these walls to change anything about me..but its so impossible.

I was hanging out with theresa today and i immediately noticed my mind went into defense mode when i saw her. This made the whole meet up rather dull in my option. She talked most of the time and i kept my head on my shoulders and listened unbiasly. Idk why i cant let myself go yet *shrugs* she was telling me about her crush and i honestly didnt feel sad cause i thought hey if its me then im doing something right if its not then i shouldnt care anyways right? haha

Ive been hearing the word player get thrown around alot lately. Karina stopped talking to me..well more like i stopped talking to her cause she made it so hard for me to keep in touch so i said fuck it. Lol i called her right before i stopped texting her asking her what was the matter and why didnt we click. She said alot of bu and bls people asked her why shes friends with me on fb cause im a player and a jerk and i should be friends with her. *Shrugs* fair enough even if im interested in a girl that would be enough for me to be like woah! reputation haha. then theresa said the same word she said i like i player and thats why my friend is strongly against it but i cant help it. What does that term mean? player? what do players even do? just flirt then walk away? honestly i laugh at me being a player if im actually a player then i fail as much at being a player has the coyote is at catching a roadrunner. lol The thought just astounds me but hey apparently emily has been spreading my name around bu *shrugs* haha

Okay ive gotten completely off topic. I was suppose to talk about masculinity and my objective to become the man i need to be. Im not going to say i havve higher priorities even though this post clearly shows otherwise but uh...i need to change that too! Stop worrying so much about women! holy shit. I need to be more independent. I switched my brand of cigs to a more harsh brand. Its actually brought down my count of cigs greatly. Its cause they are digusting and if i was to smoke them for any reason besides addiction they would taste absolutely disgusting lol.

well time to get some sleep :D