Freshair

Ive been trying to read my old blog again more, to remember who i am. I feel like thats the first step to becoming who i want to be. Its causing me to become realllyy anti-social because im really not in the mindset for such strain due to sickness, death, and self insecurities but like i said becfore, pushing me only makes me push back harder. My ego is on the line and i think out of everything ive ever believed in thats the last thing that will ever fail me. Even if insanity takes me i will have my pride. Im not going to lie, i havent been feeling myself for the past...since the last post...feels like its been a long time within this internal war. I guess im meant for self inflicted drama.

Quitting smoking has once again failed...after 24 hours i fucking bought a pack lol. Idk whats going on but somethings wrong..im feeling that gnawing feeling on my chest again which as caused me to go crazy and i cant seem to find that blog post about what that meant haha. Cause i remember i wrote it down but ehh. I almost fought my highschool friend arthur last night, and 4 other guys. I was high and i regret smoking deeply. I smoked with him before but this time i felt like it was me chris kanji and minh vs them and i heard it. They said, "Lets wait until a couple of them leave and see if we can get them" Or something like that like they were going to jump us. I was getting really bad vibes and i know they dont exist i convinced myself last time this happened. So no matter how much of a bad trip i was having i was trying to have fun. One of arthurs friends started recording me and i took that offensively...im lucky i didnt punch him. Kanji chris minh arthur and i met of today and hung out and it was fine...idk. haha Im going nuts...should stop smoking for a while again.

im going back to the fundementals of my old morals. Simply remove everything that isnt making me happy. Remove sickness, remove sadness and lonliness. Im loosing felings for theresa at an exponential rate. I realize ive been lying to myself. I want a real relationship and in a relationship i dont see gender roles. I see a take and give exchange. I give love and get it in return. I put in communication and get communication in return. I hold your burdens and you hold mine in return. People speak of love these days as if its a new word..something completely different from what i know of it to be. To understand happiness you must understand sadness. Therefore to understand love..the greatest happiness, you have to be willing to suffer the greatest saddness if shit happens. People relate love to life because to actually love another you must give your everything and be more than willing to die for that person at any given second. To love someone, ive found, is the hardest thing to do in life. I havent seen any of these traits from her and though ive messed up i feel like ive put in so much more communication than she has. Shes playing the game and im trying to just live life, thats the difference. im more than open to a relationship..i just expect an equal and opposite communication. I read her tumblr today and it says "Girls dont contact guys because they dont want to seem obsessive or clingy." True, maybe to other dudes.

But ive come to realize im not any other dude. haha I have nothing special to me and thats whats so special about me. All i have is my open mind. Some dudes have that and more. shit go for the dudes that are really smart and can dance too..maybe a mit student or a guy with enormous amounts of swag. Maybe a complete douchebag thats just as openminded as me, smart in everything he touches, athletic, multilingual, talented with a musical instrument and know how to dance. I actually know several men that fit that description. I guess im finally opening myself up and saying im tired of girls and of people that expect more of me. Im a very dull person and im very happy the way i am for now because if im not happy of who i am now then when would i ever be? Im trying to find someone right for ME.

Now thats off my chest phew umm yeah not smoking anymore for a while..ive been feeling really antisocial so today i went to a hangout, socialized as much as i could and people know i can get quiet and they just leave me be because i can be a really awkward turtle lol. I just like to enjoy the show from afar. So people were drinking and high and smoking hookah today and sure i smoked hookah and enjoyed two drinks but i was just glad i was with my friends and i hope they know tha because everyone pulled me away from the laptop since i was sitting all alone in the living room watching tv episodes for a period of time while they were drunk making prank calls and just having fun haha. Ive learned that if anything, cherish the most simple things cause after college everyone around me is going to miss it but im not. because instead im honestly just enjoying it for what it is while its here haha.

I think im loosing more weight but i ate a fuckton today. 3 baconators with large fries and a soda each time a big fucking plate of pasta 2 footlong subs and 2 packs of instant noodles. I was really hungry today and idk why..maybe from the munchies last night lol. i got soo baked hahaha. and mind you i woke up at 4pm today so i ate like...every hour lol. umm what else?

I havea funeral to go to tomorrow but i dont have a suit for it unfortunately. I somehow lost my dresapnts, black dress shirt and my favorite tie. WTF idk where they went they just vanished. something tells me i probably brought it somewher but forgot it but idk where and it must have been a long time ago lol. fml

well i just needed to let people know that not a single fuck was given this day and im ready to enjoy myself as of tomorrow YEAH lol snap back bro. we;; time to sleeep lol funeral and thanksgiving dinner then work tomorrow :D