Transgress

Im really sorry lynne, for what i did to you. I got so attached as well that it was hard as well for me to let go. Thanks for letting me know that there are woman out there that are what i am looking for, honestly. Excuse my lack of respect for the time we had together as a relationship with my short remarks and poor choice of words this past night but this is my way of getting over someone. By stepping back and acting like we were always just busting jokes at one another :] haha. I dont know what to say, but im sorry. I realized that my priorties cannot be shifted and since i havent been in a relationship for so long i knew id become just like any other guy youve ben in a relationship with..Sucked into the world where its just us. Thats the last thing i need right now because im at a very low point right now. I knew that before which is why i wanted to not ask you out until i had a stable footing, but i was convinced that it was not going to be an obstacle..I was wrong. I saw it when i was high. Thats why i smoke, my head works the way it did before, attentive to its surroundings and maintaining conversation and responding because i am paying attention but theres always more going on in my head. Being around you makes me feel sure, dominant, but in a good way because i have to constantly reevaluate the situation at hand and i have an obligation to make decisions, even if its the simpliest ones. Should i send my time with you in the kitchen or should i bring the group together? how much PDA do i show to make everyones comfortable? When should i should i talk when should i listen? Where should we eat? When should we hang out? What makes her feel comfortable? These are questions i knew a single man needs in his life, and you provided it wonderfully. Responsibility and the opportunity to "grow up" and be the support even if i was completely broke.

Many people say "relationships arent what they seem, it takes so much time effort and responsibilty." I saw that, from all the other girls around me. Theyre prudes that take too much time and effort just for them to choose another and the relationship, usually, takes so many baby steps because social construct states that two people cannot openly state that they are interested in another without the partnership compromised. That is what we call "The game" the pulling and pushing that may last for years, only to find out the other person might not have been interested this entire time. Bringing it up will compromise it and letting it go will be the only way to expose the opportunity to further the bond. This worlds bullshit set up drives me nuts and thanks to you, weve proved it otherwise. I am very grateful and i hope we continue seeing each other. All we simply needed were open minds, a sense of humor, and sexy time and from there we can, not find our soul mate, but learn from one another and thats what a relationship is all about.

My day today? complete shit haha but i have no regrets. Here i am on my blog again cause i cant tell anyone else. I mean i tell dan everything, but it works so much better when im just taka takaing away on my blog. i need to start working out, i need to register for classes, i need a job, and i need my license.

Better yet i need to decide whether or not im staying in northeastern. I mean, thats why i havent been taking classes. Im going to be on campus tomorrow in the library reading and reseaching colleges all over again. I was running away from it sophmore year when my counselor predicted this situation i would be in but i looked her dead in the eyes and told her i will do this, i made it into northeastern and i refuse to leave without a degree saying northeastern. Unfortunately that doesnt seem like the ebst option for me anymore, and no, i cant look my counselor in the eyes anymore. Nor can i many without some effort.

I cant sleep tonight, im tempted to buy some weed just to clean out my head because i feel so much weight on me right now. But its weight i need and weight i need to understand and lift because i need. to. get. MOTIVATED.

I remember a while ago, a problem i used to have is that id always hurt the people closest to me with my thoughts and my problems. ITs funny how it popped up again literally with my blog and my emotional uncertainties. This reoccurring pattern must have a source somewhere in my personality, a general characteristic that is rooted deep within. I think that problem is laziness. I thought about it, the only reason why i hurt myself my friends my family and my ex now is because im lazy. Im too lazy to try to explain myself to lynne, so i gave her my blog. Bad idea knowing the possible repercussions. Im too lazy to explain or let my friends know whats going on therefore i just sit back and hide. same goes for my family. Im too lazy to reach out to my counselors because they are there to help me. This may actually be more of a taking initiative problem than a lazy problem. Hell, i guess i initiate all the wrong things in life.

Dont get me wrong, im not putting myself down im re=evaluating. I know all this stuff but somehow my knowing and my priorities as the days pass just dont line up. Im too lazy to make them my priority anymore, I see my life as a lost hope deep down.

I was always the sponaneous type, the type that goes with the flow but i notice that i take initiatives when im in a group. I like to move groups because its in front of me and i see progress, Life is a different story and like my friend once told me "If youre going somewhere but you dont know which way youre going, then youre going the wrong way." Quite frankly, i dont know where the fuck im going. Should a college student know? I assume every student lives class by class, day by day. Most people just do it and then figure it out as they go and that drives me NUTS. Thats why i initiate in groups because i see that if i push something it moves. Its the instant progress that strokes my motivation. Thats why im an engineer and im handson. If shit isnt building in front of me then its not building at all. Thats the way i see it. Thats the way i see life. Ironicly, in doing so does it only become true.

How to solve this problem my dearest thomas? Well you are 20 years old, about to be 21. You live away from home and you have no resource like your parents money or food to rely on anymore, on top of that you arent in classes you dont have a job nor do you have any mode of transportation that you dont have to carry under your arms wherever you go. I dont think theres much more room to go down. Time to Move up and remember the shit you are going through!

With that, i leave you with the song of the night Interpol- Heinrich Maneuver and a poem by Emily Dickinson i read recently while helping my friend with her hw.

Tell all the Truth but tell it slant---
Success in Cirrcuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightening to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind---

Terminated.

This whole blog thing...isnt working out for me anymore. I wrote it about 20 post ago or sobut its one of those contradictions. I fuck myself over, i write about it then feel at ease and continue with my life. I read over the post now that i clearly fucked myself over because of the post and think this writing in the end has gotten me nowhere. Ive said nothing in my post to show that i have anything substantial to share. Its all girl drama, fuckin insanity, dreams idk i just feel like a man shouldnt be thinking so much and just doing instead so im going to peace out. I find typing my evolution out to be interesting to myself but at the same time it creates this very two demensional being that is not graceful with anything he does because hes always wondering whats different and whats new. There is never anything new unless i choose to change it. Therefore why do i write about the efforts which ive clearly just up and done as if its something i couldnt perceive? its because my head is a mess and even now it forgets the smallest details that connect today to yesterday but hell. My point is Thomas, especially now that lynne just blew up in your face cause you fucked up i think ima just fuck it and focus on school work and..work and school

when life gives you lemons, you make a lemon feast

So i bacame offical between me and lynne yday around 2pm. yayy :] haha I told her i dont think i was ready for a relationship yet and i told her i should get a job and start classes again first but she said she doesnt care she likes me and she doesnt mind waiting and she thinks its cute that i do but regardless of what status im in she likes me for who i am. That made me realize i guess it cant be bad :]. The problem is i feel lazy, I dont want to fail myself but im doing it by doing nothing and i keep complaining but im not doing anything about it besides concealing my failure with the books i read to pass the time and the exercising i do on a daily basis.

What am i running from? I want to say its as simple as me running away from the paradox i am in academically but that doesnt excuse my disappearance from every other aspect of my life. Academically, ive established its impossible to succeed anymore, No matter how much they just dont provide enough for me to pass, People in the classes im in already know all the material because theyre old and already in the field, theyre just in it for the paper degree. My gpa continues to fall as i study in this curriculum which only consist of one pointless class every week. I dont want to waste any more money on school just to fail because i know i am going to with the difficulty of the classes coming.

I guess the realization of me being a failure in school has caused me to feel that everything else is pointless, which shouldnt be the case. THere is so much hope left but that is slowly fading as i continue to live the life of the inbetween. A runaway and a dropout in denial.

Im dirt poor now, i owe so many people resources ive been so needing to take. My life spiraling to its lowest point now. I havent blogged much recently because without my blog i can hide and believe im doing fine but im not.

This break was only suppose to be just long enough to allow me to stabilize and find a sense of what im doing with my life. Ive found nothing. This post is very depressing i apologize ive been pushing everyone away so that when they do see me they believe im okay and dan has been so gracious as to unknowingly accept me for who i am right now. Im not going insane. My sanity is here, ive had enough time trying to keep that so thats at least all i can say i have this is more or less a reality check, no more fucking resting thomas. I woke up today at 7pm, after going over to lynnes without more than 3 hours of sleep and i felt like complete and utter shit when i woke up. I wanted to be productive so here i am slapping myself. Anything i do from here on thomas, remember i am very behind and i cannot waste anymore time. Lynne, she should stay i believe she helps me appreciate what i have and i need that right now.

So everyones been saying "im like a ghost" they see me randomly then i vanish again for weeks and idk what to say about that. Well time to snap up, lets hope i can LATERS!

Duck Tie and the domino effect

surprisingly, everything turned out better than expected, the night after I wrote the last post.uhhh lets see i think i smoked cause i remember i kept my word and i remember the only time i did smoke in the past several weeks was at uma so lets talk about the uma trip.

Dan ended up going to uma for the weekend and i decided to tag along cause i thought it would be a chance to see lgb, i didnt see her that whole weekend so i said fuck it and that was the end of the lgb chapter...for me. What did i do there? i saw baba and jahirul! two of my bros from back in freshman year when i was in foundation year, really cool guys now but all they do is drink and smoke haha i also met their friends uhh mike, wongel, and uhh..i think someone else but they were cool too, i went to the gym and worked out with them made my own fun and came back.

The week after i continued to be my same lazy self for the most part im always at dans now, if not im at Lins. Laurens starting to really come into my head because i feel like this is the longest weve ever stopped talking...we saw each other for no more than 15 minutes and it was in the dining hall...I decided to stay in the dining hall and wait for her so that we can eat together but the conversation was soo dry and surfacey compared to the conversations we should have, whats going on in your head lauren? At this point im as worried for our friendship as i am for my sanity. Thats a lot.

So lets get back to the smoking part because i was really planning to jump in a hole and say "goodbye cruel world!" What was i welcomed by? A pleasant fuzzy feeling many would call hope. Idk where it came from but when i went under that night feeling...happy. apparently i held out jsut long enough for myself to fight it and i didnt even realize it. Im honestly glad that that turned out that way because i wouldnt know where the fuck id be right now if that didnt happen. So Thanks to that i also got back my power of speech slightly. I think too much about the substance of the conversation, i should think more about the response, thats why ive been lacking in my communication skills. Go with the flow thomas. I still have this weird thing where i have the BEST conversation for about 42 hours max then i run out of things to say but at least i have the best 42 hour conversations! like the BEST. Theres so much to talk about that its freakin awesome.

This really helped in chicago when i was meeting a fuckton of new people and i honestly had such a big ego when i went to chicago, maybe it was because i sat in the car for 16 fuckin hours next to two couples and i was ready to just unleash that part of me that i had to confine for 16 hours haha. The girls in chicago are so different from girls in boston, i feel like my skill set is so amazing compared to if i was to meet a girl in boston. Girls there are fascinated by guys that can ballroom, fix computers, be funny and idk girls here are too smart(for their own good) and too prude like to appreciate my skill set so i felt like my ego was being fed there. haha. Its super fobby in chicago so all they do is karaoke, drink and smoke. They dont need to know about how to hold their liqour or how to idk, just do the simpliest communication skills because they are so used to being around friendly people! and thats great cause it was a very friendly place. Here its like, i actually feeling like im fuckin hitting on girls and its like pulling teeth trying to strike a fuckin conversation.

Also hanging out with sonny and dan together really helped me solidify my douchebag vibe and put on my A game. I actually was the type of person i always wanted to be in chicago. The only reason why im not that person in boston is because of all the stress from family, friends, work and school here. Without any of that shit im a very chill laid back guy thats very straight forward and douchebaggy but hyper and ready for an adventure at the same time, very interesting blend.

Unlike my group at northeastern where everyone is too friendly the group of dan sonny hanh(son's girl) and lisa (dans girl for chicago) i feel their ego pushing and thats fucking awesome cause i naturally have a big ego too and i just need people there to match it so that i can push back, the group dynamic i must say is a keeper for me. ITs not a jocky ego push but its just a bossy masculine push. I knew after the 16 hour drive that i was with working men that were holding their own shit and that empowered me. Hanging out with sonny definitely made me feel as if woman are second and i have priorities before i talk to them and thats the bottom line. I need to feel that because of all the fuckin ive been in due to girls. You empower yourself then you reward yourself with a bitch. Im sorry but thats the hard truth to me, and with that mindset ill get the girls i want because honestly thats what girls want to fucking feel like. They dont want a guy that is on their level they want a guy that is above them. Men shouldnt need girls, We have too much other shit to worry about, hell when we meet a girl worth our time we have to spend time getting you to like us. You clearly dont know what you want so we have to show you and that takes time, money, and effort, all of which should be given at a minimum because we have other shit to do and men dont have time for girls that dont put in their fuckin 50%. All girls have to do is respond, just...RESPOND. Men have to think of what to say and steer the conversation.

Id say aside from learning that after the weekend in chicago, another thing i learned is that woman dont have a type, show them you have priorities and you are their type. All a woman is looking for is a manly man that can treat them right. IF anything fucks up from point a-B thats because the guy played the game wrong. Do you see how im demoralizing woman?...you girls really dont know what the fuck youre doing in life, thats why girls are either prudes, easy, or crazy. Prude being you just ignore them and theyll come to you...easy being you just give them attention and theyll come to you, and crazy being a guy before you did that and threw her head around like a ragdoll because girls dont know what they want! So now theyre bipolar, clingy, or loves drama because thats whats shes used to being around. Thats in the guys favor but at the same time guys, get to know the game. Its much harder in boston because there are so many prudes and they are prudes because they dont want you to know whether or not they are worth your time. The most they figured out is that if a guy comes for her then she can figure out whether or not hes her type and anaylze and shit but once a guy does the same thing to her then she goes nuts. haha Its not the same thing because shes just winging it and the guy has priorites and other shit to do. Theres a difference ;P. PRIORITES PRIORITES PRIORITES. A guy that has priorites knows what he wants in education and in life and in relationships. and let me tell you, a girl is NEVERR that priority because they dont know what they want why should it be your priority to go out your way to show them? Because you like them? Luckily for me ive stopped liking girls after theresa :P haha Even when i did like theresa its like...i got priorites you either take it or you dont. She for some reason kept playing me and up to this day i dont know what she wants but i shoulda just cut it off because she was not worth my time.

Duck tie! I bought a ducktie in chicago to commemorate my douchebagness haha I felt like i was barney stinson in chicago because all these girls were so easy XD. I didnt go for any of them though cause honestly i like girls that are a challenge, that have smarts and know what their doing. That have priorities of their own. Its super sexy for me and i still dont quite now im im ever going to catch one but hey you know, thats for the future after i have a job related to my field, im moving forward in my education and have a car. Without those three theres no point in thinking about that shit.

Which is why i have lin, which seems to be a very stable thing for me right now. Were still in an open relationship but were getting very comfortable with each other. She appreciates everything about me, my spastic ways, my body, my thoughts, my friends, my MUSIC, and my penis. Me gusta. Lol

Anywho, enough about lin, Lets talk about the domino effect. I stopped talking to lgb and dan started talking to her right? well He friendzoned her hard by telling her he was with 18 girls in the past 2 and a half months. Then he hooked up with lgb's best friend then he persuades lgbs sister to come to chicago with us. HAHA BOOSH LGB you dun got SAWUCED. Lgb, fuck it her name is lori. Lori got so heated when she started seeing the pictures of chicago. At first everyone was like, okay shes just looking out for her sister thats fine w/e but then dan heard that lori started bitching her sister out like i cant believe you lied to me this and that were never talking again. Me dan and sonny go like..woah >.> thats not sibling love..thats straight jealousy LOL *double highfive dan* unfortunately for dan, lori made it a living fucking hell for him to like her sister and now they are collapsing. They were so nice together in chicago too, i was glad to be theyre fifth wheel because they were so awesome together, like...shit. Fuckin lori. thats another case of CRAZY. Cause now she wont talk to me or dan. Actually she talked to me today cause i called her but then she got super mad cause i was calling about her sister and dan and why she was fuckin shit up. LOL Attention whore much? damn.

Ive been judging her so hard ever since she ditched me from rockclimbing. She fuckin ditches me then brings dan to party with her the same fuckin weekend. HES MY ROOMMATE YOU PRUDE. WHO DOES THAT? lol she says to her sister when were in the car coming back to boston i quote "Are you in chicago with dan?...I dont care who you hang out with stay the fuck away from dan" It was more aggressive than that too. so me and dan are like..holy shit at first. Crazy bitch! haha im sorry this whole domino effect is all too amusing to me even though its hurting dan cause damn, these girls are dumb. Theyre fighting over the same guy and the older sister is too bitter to even let her sister enjoy life, damn thats fucked up. Even for me if dan actually went for lori i would have grit my teeth and been like you go for it bro dont mind me, and id get over it. Cause i would, i cant stop my bro from being happy. So much for girl code huh? Another reason why Guys should never trust a girl!

I have alot of bitterness towards females right now as you can tell from this post because honestly, girls are such....materialistic things. Hell its the worse mataterial item id rather invest in a ps3 or something. For woman, Its rare to find the one you want and when you do you cant have it and if you have it then theyre expensive and the take time money and patience they bitch cry and well..moan. But thats the only good thing about them i guess, im better off investing in a girl like LIN, especially in college. shes down to earth shes understanding and she doesnt bitch! Theres no need for arguements because were not together and we just enjoy each others company. How amazing is that? haha

Btw lauren, you and monica and several others are an exception to this post, Dont be a part of it. How to be a part of it? you act like youre not on my level. I will always treat my closest equal to me but the more you ignore me the more you let me tickle the idea that okay, i dont need you in my life..but i want you to be a part of it, which is scaring me. In this world, men and woman cannot coexist peacefully. There will forever be sexual tension. Its a matter of how you go about that sexual tension. Accept it and be close as fuck or acknowledge it back down and ill begin the chase. Because humans are animals too! and fuck, if girls like monica or lauren were to act like they were ready for the chase, girls ive known for more than 7 years. You know im going to appreciate that and go for it.

As for every other part of my life right now? complete and utter shit. I owe so much money to people and im so far behind academically. Idk if i even remember how to fuckin study anymore..Not like i ever did but i did have the motivation to once upon a time..

Force

Rap, I used to call it "Retards Attempting Poetry" but i see the reason why people listen to it. Its one of the few genres that sole purpose is to boost your fuckin ego. haha Its great. Ive been listening to alot of kanye, lil wayne, and drake recently. It really helps me feel like i just dont give a shit cause "My real friends never hear it from me/ Fake friends write the wrong answers on the mirror for me/ That's why I pick and choose/ I don't get shit confused/ I got a small circle/ I'm not with different crews/ We walk the same path, but got on different shoes/ Live in the same buildin', but we got different views/ I got a couple cars, I never get to use/ Don't like my women single/ I like my chicks in twos" haha Lil wayne. Right above it. One of my favorite songs atm just cause that song speaks so much truth to me right now!

Friends. I actually got to a point where i couldnt trust anyone, not even myself not a few days ago. Its been really rough mentally as you can tell from my previous post but yes im getting better, classes are soon to be in session and im nothing but excited. My board is back! but its dying.. the wood is literally splitting cause of the fucking car..

humm but i smoked recently, as i said i would when i went to umass amherst this weekend. I dived right in when i went to sleep, but it wasnt like it was before but i couldnt find her a small part of my other dream did have her though and it quickly turned into a nightmare..I guess she doesnt want me looking for her.lol. so thats the end of that.

LGB is pissed at me because of my "passive aggressiveness" but honestly, im just trying to act as normal as possible around her the only reason why she would see it as passive aggressive is if shes trying to push me away which is fine idc.

Ive been losing friends left and right, my social life is dying because ive been in this chapter for a while. Many of my closest friends are worried deeply for me and i thank you for that, I really dont know where i would be without you guys.

Donvu, you have been like a thorn in my side for a while now. Was i not the guy that helped you through troubled times and stayed by your side? Now im only greeted by "dont fucking touch me thomas", "The fuck you want thomas" and other bitter retorts. Getting in touch with him is like pulling teeth, especially when i was trying to find a friendly face at uma. Then he backstabs me by telling LGB that i said to him "Her relationship was doomed from the start" I might have said that, sounds like something id honestly say right now because ive been rather bitter. but why the fuck does he have the obligation to tell her? He has no respect for me nor is anything just chill between me and him anymore. I dont see why i should see him as a friend anymore, because ive recieved nothing but RUDE from him.

Me and Lin are moving along...which is great...i guess cause its something i havent felt in a while. to be needed. Im just watching the boundaries to make sure that doesnt go too overboard as i decide whether or not to further this relationship. She has everything i need right now. Just a support to push me forward. Its not like were getting married hell were fuckbuddies so theres no harm in it. I know shes not psycho so thats all that matters. haha

What else? Insanity is still haunting me, more than ever. haha But hell im enjoying my time and i got it in check so until next time! maybe edit later cause i dont really remember why force is the title..lol

Edit:

Force, so my ability to communicate is completely gone. So now im going to do what i havent done in a while. Im going to open up to being negative and just get comfortable in it and let instanity grasp me because id rather loose my mind and be able to talk about it then sit here in the middle holding everything in waiting for shit to happen. Honestly im stuck between a rock and a hotspot right now. So im going to do what im good at. im gunna buy some weed..then break down all these walls i built and get torn to shreds by insanity cause i hate feeling so constantly uncomfortable. There needs to be blood. dont mistaken me for a drama queen. I could here forever if i see progress but honestly i dont. I always got through situations like this by just going through the rough and eating shit hoping i have enough willpower to outpower anything. Maybe this is what that lady was warning me about, cause she knew how long my patience usually last and you know what? its hard to say what she was warning me about because i would sit here and sit it out as much as i would just rage. Worse case scenerio sitting here is i just become a very quiet lazy and short tempered person..burdened by all the bottled emotions that are too deep for even myself to reach. Id probably never go anywhere in life, i already dont have motivation to do shit with myself...and ive lost the will to care that i sont want to do shit with myself. My head has been through alot more than it should have since last november. Worse case senerio of me going head to head with insanity? well ill commit suicide or if i hold onto enough sanity then probably i could stop myself and my memory will be erased again ill start from scratch like i did in 9th grade except it wouldnt be a comfortable emptiness, itll be full of anger and itll probably drive me mad with hate, hate for myself and why i keep getting myself caught in meaningless mental cycles. haha.

All my closest friends already consider me a ghost..i pop up at random get togethers, only to get trashed or leave early. I already lost the sense of who i am a long time ago. Aint that sad? haha

There is only one way to get out of this completely unscathed. And i feel the opportunity deep down in my gut. I have to just simply be completely comfortable, be loved and to lvoe in return. Then focus on my insanity and turn it on at full instantly. The happiness from feeling comfortable is the only thing that can so against such insanity and it has to be put on blast if theres even the slightest nostalgia where i get caught up in thought then its over and im fucked forever. Cheesy i know bt insanity is all just a gnawing feeling in your gut, something that creates chaos and self doubt. If i suddenly have confidence and comfort and love then all itll take is a knowledged and controlld meditation, shouldnt take more than 10 mins if i do it right. Well Ill have to take in account how tired ill be because well theres alot more work involved. lol you must think im crazy right now..haha but yeah i cant get these characteristics from anyone, i have to find it within myself. Love comfort and confidence for myself. But its hard when im not doing anything with my life. Such a pessimistic cycle of life im thrown in. Itll make it a fuckton easier if my friends didnt backstab me, i dont have a bigger list of blocks on skype than actually people i talk to..and well i did better in school, went to school had a job had a place and a car and a girlfriend, things that proved to myself i can love myself and be comfortable and confident. but its a paradox because i cant achieve any of that without motivation which comes from having those characteristics. haha lets just say, its taking me much longer to hop on the ball compared to others.

Thomas, talking and living its what youve been doing for 20 years and you used to be so good at it it really shouldnt be hard to just be comfortable dont fuckin think about it too much.

A wise man once told me "You can judge how well someone is in a relationship by how well they do academically. when you know what you want from your education you know what you want from life therefore relationships become that much more understandable" Thats where im lacking. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY EDUCATION GOING? i need to transfer out of NEU...at this rate im not going anywhere

The only thing i was always good at is getting excited for no reason, therefore im excited to eat shit just cause itll help for a bit..its like going into war amped as fuck haaha i want to get my life started but for some reason mentally i cant get from point a- point z without going through the whole fuck alphabet first. scumbag truama, making life difficult since 1991 lol