Transgress

Im really sorry lynne, for what i did to you. I got so attached as well that it was hard as well for me to let go. Thanks for letting me know that there are woman out there that are what i am looking for, honestly. Excuse my lack of respect for the time we had together as a relationship with my short remarks and poor choice of words this past night but this is my way of getting over someone. By stepping back and acting like we were always just busting jokes at one another :] haha. I dont know what to say, but im sorry. I realized that my priorties cannot be shifted and since i havent been in a relationship for so long i knew id become just like any other guy youve ben in a relationship with..Sucked into the world where its just us. Thats the last thing i need right now because im at a very low point right now. I knew that before which is why i wanted to not ask you out until i had a stable footing, but i was convinced that it was not going to be an obstacle..I was wrong. I saw it when i was high. Thats why i smoke, my head works the way it did before, attentive to its surroundings and maintaining conversation and responding because i am paying attention but theres always more going on in my head. Being around you makes me feel sure, dominant, but in a good way because i have to constantly reevaluate the situation at hand and i have an obligation to make decisions, even if its the simpliest ones. Should i send my time with you in the kitchen or should i bring the group together? how much PDA do i show to make everyones comfortable? When should i should i talk when should i listen? Where should we eat? When should we hang out? What makes her feel comfortable? These are questions i knew a single man needs in his life, and you provided it wonderfully. Responsibility and the opportunity to "grow up" and be the support even if i was completely broke.

Many people say "relationships arent what they seem, it takes so much time effort and responsibilty." I saw that, from all the other girls around me. Theyre prudes that take too much time and effort just for them to choose another and the relationship, usually, takes so many baby steps because social construct states that two people cannot openly state that they are interested in another without the partnership compromised. That is what we call "The game" the pulling and pushing that may last for years, only to find out the other person might not have been interested this entire time. Bringing it up will compromise it and letting it go will be the only way to expose the opportunity to further the bond. This worlds bullshit set up drives me nuts and thanks to you, weve proved it otherwise. I am very grateful and i hope we continue seeing each other. All we simply needed were open minds, a sense of humor, and sexy time and from there we can, not find our soul mate, but learn from one another and thats what a relationship is all about.

My day today? complete shit haha but i have no regrets. Here i am on my blog again cause i cant tell anyone else. I mean i tell dan everything, but it works so much better when im just taka takaing away on my blog. i need to start working out, i need to register for classes, i need a job, and i need my license.

Better yet i need to decide whether or not im staying in northeastern. I mean, thats why i havent been taking classes. Im going to be on campus tomorrow in the library reading and reseaching colleges all over again. I was running away from it sophmore year when my counselor predicted this situation i would be in but i looked her dead in the eyes and told her i will do this, i made it into northeastern and i refuse to leave without a degree saying northeastern. Unfortunately that doesnt seem like the ebst option for me anymore, and no, i cant look my counselor in the eyes anymore. Nor can i many without some effort.

I cant sleep tonight, im tempted to buy some weed just to clean out my head because i feel so much weight on me right now. But its weight i need and weight i need to understand and lift because i need. to. get. MOTIVATED.

I remember a while ago, a problem i used to have is that id always hurt the people closest to me with my thoughts and my problems. ITs funny how it popped up again literally with my blog and my emotional uncertainties. This reoccurring pattern must have a source somewhere in my personality, a general characteristic that is rooted deep within. I think that problem is laziness. I thought about it, the only reason why i hurt myself my friends my family and my ex now is because im lazy. Im too lazy to try to explain myself to lynne, so i gave her my blog. Bad idea knowing the possible repercussions. Im too lazy to explain or let my friends know whats going on therefore i just sit back and hide. same goes for my family. Im too lazy to reach out to my counselors because they are there to help me. This may actually be more of a taking initiative problem than a lazy problem. Hell, i guess i initiate all the wrong things in life.

Dont get me wrong, im not putting myself down im re=evaluating. I know all this stuff but somehow my knowing and my priorities as the days pass just dont line up. Im too lazy to make them my priority anymore, I see my life as a lost hope deep down.

I was always the sponaneous type, the type that goes with the flow but i notice that i take initiatives when im in a group. I like to move groups because its in front of me and i see progress, Life is a different story and like my friend once told me "If youre going somewhere but you dont know which way youre going, then youre going the wrong way." Quite frankly, i dont know where the fuck im going. Should a college student know? I assume every student lives class by class, day by day. Most people just do it and then figure it out as they go and that drives me NUTS. Thats why i initiate in groups because i see that if i push something it moves. Its the instant progress that strokes my motivation. Thats why im an engineer and im handson. If shit isnt building in front of me then its not building at all. Thats the way i see it. Thats the way i see life. Ironicly, in doing so does it only become true.

How to solve this problem my dearest thomas? Well you are 20 years old, about to be 21. You live away from home and you have no resource like your parents money or food to rely on anymore, on top of that you arent in classes you dont have a job nor do you have any mode of transportation that you dont have to carry under your arms wherever you go. I dont think theres much more room to go down. Time to Move up and remember the shit you are going through!

With that, i leave you with the song of the night Interpol- Heinrich Maneuver and a poem by Emily Dickinson i read recently while helping my friend with her hw.

Tell all the Truth but tell it slant---
Success in Cirrcuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightening to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind---