when life gives you lemons, you make a lemon feast

So i bacame offical between me and lynne yday around 2pm. yayy :] haha I told her i dont think i was ready for a relationship yet and i told her i should get a job and start classes again first but she said she doesnt care she likes me and she doesnt mind waiting and she thinks its cute that i do but regardless of what status im in she likes me for who i am. That made me realize i guess it cant be bad :]. The problem is i feel lazy, I dont want to fail myself but im doing it by doing nothing and i keep complaining but im not doing anything about it besides concealing my failure with the books i read to pass the time and the exercising i do on a daily basis.

What am i running from? I want to say its as simple as me running away from the paradox i am in academically but that doesnt excuse my disappearance from every other aspect of my life. Academically, ive established its impossible to succeed anymore, No matter how much they just dont provide enough for me to pass, People in the classes im in already know all the material because theyre old and already in the field, theyre just in it for the paper degree. My gpa continues to fall as i study in this curriculum which only consist of one pointless class every week. I dont want to waste any more money on school just to fail because i know i am going to with the difficulty of the classes coming.

I guess the realization of me being a failure in school has caused me to feel that everything else is pointless, which shouldnt be the case. THere is so much hope left but that is slowly fading as i continue to live the life of the inbetween. A runaway and a dropout in denial.

Im dirt poor now, i owe so many people resources ive been so needing to take. My life spiraling to its lowest point now. I havent blogged much recently because without my blog i can hide and believe im doing fine but im not.

This break was only suppose to be just long enough to allow me to stabilize and find a sense of what im doing with my life. Ive found nothing. This post is very depressing i apologize ive been pushing everyone away so that when they do see me they believe im okay and dan has been so gracious as to unknowingly accept me for who i am right now. Im not going insane. My sanity is here, ive had enough time trying to keep that so thats at least all i can say i have this is more or less a reality check, no more fucking resting thomas. I woke up today at 7pm, after going over to lynnes without more than 3 hours of sleep and i felt like complete and utter shit when i woke up. I wanted to be productive so here i am slapping myself. Anything i do from here on thomas, remember i am very behind and i cannot waste anymore time. Lynne, she should stay i believe she helps me appreciate what i have and i need that right now.

So everyones been saying "im like a ghost" they see me randomly then i vanish again for weeks and idk what to say about that. Well time to snap up, lets hope i can LATERS!