Force

Rap, I used to call it "Retards Attempting Poetry" but i see the reason why people listen to it. Its one of the few genres that sole purpose is to boost your fuckin ego. haha Its great. Ive been listening to alot of kanye, lil wayne, and drake recently. It really helps me feel like i just dont give a shit cause "My real friends never hear it from me/ Fake friends write the wrong answers on the mirror for me/ That's why I pick and choose/ I don't get shit confused/ I got a small circle/ I'm not with different crews/ We walk the same path, but got on different shoes/ Live in the same buildin', but we got different views/ I got a couple cars, I never get to use/ Don't like my women single/ I like my chicks in twos" haha Lil wayne. Right above it. One of my favorite songs atm just cause that song speaks so much truth to me right now!

Friends. I actually got to a point where i couldnt trust anyone, not even myself not a few days ago. Its been really rough mentally as you can tell from my previous post but yes im getting better, classes are soon to be in session and im nothing but excited. My board is back! but its dying.. the wood is literally splitting cause of the fucking car..

humm but i smoked recently, as i said i would when i went to umass amherst this weekend. I dived right in when i went to sleep, but it wasnt like it was before but i couldnt find her a small part of my other dream did have her though and it quickly turned into a nightmare..I guess she doesnt want me looking for her.lol. so thats the end of that.

LGB is pissed at me because of my "passive aggressiveness" but honestly, im just trying to act as normal as possible around her the only reason why she would see it as passive aggressive is if shes trying to push me away which is fine idc.

Ive been losing friends left and right, my social life is dying because ive been in this chapter for a while. Many of my closest friends are worried deeply for me and i thank you for that, I really dont know where i would be without you guys.

Donvu, you have been like a thorn in my side for a while now. Was i not the guy that helped you through troubled times and stayed by your side? Now im only greeted by "dont fucking touch me thomas", "The fuck you want thomas" and other bitter retorts. Getting in touch with him is like pulling teeth, especially when i was trying to find a friendly face at uma. Then he backstabs me by telling LGB that i said to him "Her relationship was doomed from the start" I might have said that, sounds like something id honestly say right now because ive been rather bitter. but why the fuck does he have the obligation to tell her? He has no respect for me nor is anything just chill between me and him anymore. I dont see why i should see him as a friend anymore, because ive recieved nothing but RUDE from him.

Me and Lin are moving along...which is great...i guess cause its something i havent felt in a while. to be needed. Im just watching the boundaries to make sure that doesnt go too overboard as i decide whether or not to further this relationship. She has everything i need right now. Just a support to push me forward. Its not like were getting married hell were fuckbuddies so theres no harm in it. I know shes not psycho so thats all that matters. haha

What else? Insanity is still haunting me, more than ever. haha But hell im enjoying my time and i got it in check so until next time! maybe edit later cause i dont really remember why force is the title..lol

Edit:

Force, so my ability to communicate is completely gone. So now im going to do what i havent done in a while. Im going to open up to being negative and just get comfortable in it and let instanity grasp me because id rather loose my mind and be able to talk about it then sit here in the middle holding everything in waiting for shit to happen. Honestly im stuck between a rock and a hotspot right now. So im going to do what im good at. im gunna buy some weed..then break down all these walls i built and get torn to shreds by insanity cause i hate feeling so constantly uncomfortable. There needs to be blood. dont mistaken me for a drama queen. I could here forever if i see progress but honestly i dont. I always got through situations like this by just going through the rough and eating shit hoping i have enough willpower to outpower anything. Maybe this is what that lady was warning me about, cause she knew how long my patience usually last and you know what? its hard to say what she was warning me about because i would sit here and sit it out as much as i would just rage. Worse case scenerio sitting here is i just become a very quiet lazy and short tempered person..burdened by all the bottled emotions that are too deep for even myself to reach. Id probably never go anywhere in life, i already dont have motivation to do shit with myself...and ive lost the will to care that i sont want to do shit with myself. My head has been through alot more than it should have since last november. Worse case senerio of me going head to head with insanity? well ill commit suicide or if i hold onto enough sanity then probably i could stop myself and my memory will be erased again ill start from scratch like i did in 9th grade except it wouldnt be a comfortable emptiness, itll be full of anger and itll probably drive me mad with hate, hate for myself and why i keep getting myself caught in meaningless mental cycles. haha.

All my closest friends already consider me a ghost..i pop up at random get togethers, only to get trashed or leave early. I already lost the sense of who i am a long time ago. Aint that sad? haha

There is only one way to get out of this completely unscathed. And i feel the opportunity deep down in my gut. I have to just simply be completely comfortable, be loved and to lvoe in return. Then focus on my insanity and turn it on at full instantly. The happiness from feeling comfortable is the only thing that can so against such insanity and it has to be put on blast if theres even the slightest nostalgia where i get caught up in thought then its over and im fucked forever. Cheesy i know bt insanity is all just a gnawing feeling in your gut, something that creates chaos and self doubt. If i suddenly have confidence and comfort and love then all itll take is a knowledged and controlld meditation, shouldnt take more than 10 mins if i do it right. Well Ill have to take in account how tired ill be because well theres alot more work involved. lol you must think im crazy right now..haha but yeah i cant get these characteristics from anyone, i have to find it within myself. Love comfort and confidence for myself. But its hard when im not doing anything with my life. Such a pessimistic cycle of life im thrown in. Itll make it a fuckton easier if my friends didnt backstab me, i dont have a bigger list of blocks on skype than actually people i talk to..and well i did better in school, went to school had a job had a place and a car and a girlfriend, things that proved to myself i can love myself and be comfortable and confident. but its a paradox because i cant achieve any of that without motivation which comes from having those characteristics. haha lets just say, its taking me much longer to hop on the ball compared to others.

Thomas, talking and living its what youve been doing for 20 years and you used to be so good at it it really shouldnt be hard to just be comfortable dont fuckin think about it too much.

A wise man once told me "You can judge how well someone is in a relationship by how well they do academically. when you know what you want from your education you know what you want from life therefore relationships become that much more understandable" Thats where im lacking. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY EDUCATION GOING? i need to transfer out of NEU...at this rate im not going anywhere

The only thing i was always good at is getting excited for no reason, therefore im excited to eat shit just cause itll help for a bit..its like going into war amped as fuck haaha i want to get my life started but for some reason mentally i cant get from point a- point z without going through the whole fuck alphabet first. scumbag truama, making life difficult since 1991 lol