Sigh* So i did delete a couple post..one of me being completely infatuated. another where i fell hard after Nate tore her from my arms. Which is fine. Its just that I had to manage emotionally while liking someone for the first time in uhh...4 years? went to nmh summer of junior year. so yeah. wow. Its over though. Im glad. Now that i think about it though, maybe i do still have some feelings for her, but i refuse to ever take her back. My gut feeling says she might still have feelings for me too. But idc! i did my half of communication. Its her fault for not following through on her end.
^that half was supposed to be posted like, saturday? idk. Im way beyond that now. They dont exist to me anymore, and i mean that quite literally as well cause i havent seen either of them. anywho. im only talking about them cause im editting this post that has the title i wanted to use.
Its Wednesday...and because of the previous stress..work..and school..think has to be the longest week EVER. I keep track cause i remember it was just last friday that kim told me her birthday was this friday. There were countless times in the past four days that its been weeks already, but its still the same week. So..fucking stressed. but its fun. I love challenges now. You say im a nice guy so you wanna fuck with me? lets go. You say i cant lift more weight than you? lets go. You said i cant bang out a five page research paper in eight hours? you best be KIDDING. well..i failed youre right. BUT i got like..3 done lol. including research and everything in 8 hours. It was fun. matter of fact, i still havent finished it LOL. but this is the first time i ever banged out some decent quality (i feel) work in so little time. I was never given the challenge in freshman year and i was stupid in highschool. I dont procrastinate (as much/at all) anymore. lol idk. i cant wait until this week fuckin ends. Ive been smoking a fuckton lately. So much that doug actually is like..you need to cutdown lol. he usually doesnt complain when i smoke. speaking of which. Me and him had our second serious conversation together and it was peculiar. I realized his emotions arent too different from the person i was before. Trying to find who i was. Now even if you put me into the setting and talked to me about philosophy i'd try, because i respect the effort of opening up to me, but id all me mumble. lol It got me to look at my old blog though to see how i used to talk and i found this
So im going to rest for a bit. Close my eyes and open up my head, find out why i dont sleep at night and why i hurt everyone naturally with my thoughts. Its a serious problem. Life just isnt for me. I want an excuse to get as far away from it as possible while not giving up.
Sigh* what a pathetic pathetic life. Im going in circles. Which is why i wanted to stop this from happening but its so hard to that it creeped in with every crack it can find. I can just do another "Lie to myself to belief it doesnt exist until it becomes the truth" but fuck shit i've been doing that for so damn long who am i really? Im obsessed with philosophy. Im obsessed with my downfall. I want to perish with originality and elegance. I want to suffer. I want to die. I want others to be sad for me. Its the hard truth. But the willpower i wish to unlock i gain is not negative for the most part. It is me. It has the outward determination to push people forward in a positive way while taking a complete toll on body mind and soul. There is no need for survival mode in the city. haha. But i am absolutely obsessed with the the feeling of putting myself on the line. If i manage to throw myself back five years and write constant blogs about my suffering its because i love it. I love it more than any girl, materialistic item, and self. My god. What have i become?
That shit. is so ridiculous. haha there are so many layers to that. *Shrugs* not that person anymore...at all! haha and im really happy for that. Maybe in the next life ill learn to just go with the flow at the getgo. haha *shrugs*
Well, ive been listening to alot of metal again recently thanks to the stress, I dont even feel stressed to be honest..but i know i am stressed. how do i know? cause well..my body cant keep up with me. I try my best to stay up and do my paper. and i pass out without noticing it! haha also, ive been experiencing full body crampings. It feels like i went to the gym all day and have to drag my body around...but with heart cramping as well. It just sucks trying to do shit in my condition. lol. I dont remember when i got a decent night of sleep cause i feel like its been several weeks yet its actually only been a couple of days. Idk im going to bite down, go with the flow, and ride out this week like Thomas would. Like a Boss.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I circle around the world
Im not used to it when i cant keep up with my life. I get quiet and just..really laid back. Thats probably why i was so laid back when i was drunk that time at the party. I prefer keeping up with or even going faster than the changes happening around me. Now i just feel like sitting on one spot, speechless. for hours...or days on end..just smoking. I prefer to create change over change happening all around me.
Me and kim are moving quite fast. I realize shes right for me. She has everything ive been looking for. Like usual though, When im getting close to someone. I push for it. I try to do all the right things and just be myself as much as possible. But inside something changes, I either become fearful or really just..laid back. Like so. Idk whats wrong and why i cant be comfortable. Im still truamatized. I like her but i dont like her. I cant like her. Today we were outside and shared a smoke..she rested her head on my shoulder and told me that im really retarded lol. I took that as a compliment cause what she meant was that im the craziest person she met and she likes it. She leans in to kiss me. We peck. So thats where we stand now.
Why am i still scared? i need to be more solid with myself and if im not ready then im not ready. If i want this then i should just jump. I wish i can be like my old self. The part of me where i could just close my eyes and jump off a 80ft cliff into water without knowing how to swim. Now i have something to loose, but at the same time i dont yet have enough to give. The more i hung out with her..the quieter i got. The harder it got to smile even though she is so explosive like me.
Ive been going to the gym ALOT. my bicep is seriously fucked up on my left side. Its the only place i can let everything go because ive become so laid back haha. My bicept on my left arm has like a tumor..its clearly demented. It was because right before i left the gym yesterday doug told me "ok you wanna burn out right?" *drops to 140* I did 10 of them on the fly machine. Thats the most weight i ever did i can still go higher. but afterward my arm was kinda twitchy. it had spazums here and there and i looked at my bicep and it got a tumor. lol. Im benching 110 solid. Unfortunately, in order for me to lift anymore than this i have to gain weight. its physics. I cant be 130 and lift 160+ its literally impossible.
Work is not providing enough. Acedemic life seems inexistent. When i do hw i do it then forget about it. Thats all there is to it now..i dont remember if i go to class anymore. everythings a blur around gym. meh. I lost 10 pounds. im 128 now. this sucks. Wtf is wrong with me? why do i get so moppy?
Me and kim are moving quite fast. I realize shes right for me. She has everything ive been looking for. Like usual though, When im getting close to someone. I push for it. I try to do all the right things and just be myself as much as possible. But inside something changes, I either become fearful or really just..laid back. Like so. Idk whats wrong and why i cant be comfortable. Im still truamatized. I like her but i dont like her. I cant like her. Today we were outside and shared a smoke..she rested her head on my shoulder and told me that im really retarded lol. I took that as a compliment cause what she meant was that im the craziest person she met and she likes it. She leans in to kiss me. We peck. So thats where we stand now.
Why am i still scared? i need to be more solid with myself and if im not ready then im not ready. If i want this then i should just jump. I wish i can be like my old self. The part of me where i could just close my eyes and jump off a 80ft cliff into water without knowing how to swim. Now i have something to loose, but at the same time i dont yet have enough to give. The more i hung out with her..the quieter i got. The harder it got to smile even though she is so explosive like me.
Ive been going to the gym ALOT. my bicep is seriously fucked up on my left side. Its the only place i can let everything go because ive become so laid back haha. My bicept on my left arm has like a tumor..its clearly demented. It was because right before i left the gym yesterday doug told me "ok you wanna burn out right?" *drops to 140* I did 10 of them on the fly machine. Thats the most weight i ever did i can still go higher. but afterward my arm was kinda twitchy. it had spazums here and there and i looked at my bicep and it got a tumor. lol. Im benching 110 solid. Unfortunately, in order for me to lift anymore than this i have to gain weight. its physics. I cant be 130 and lift 160+ its literally impossible.
Work is not providing enough. Acedemic life seems inexistent. When i do hw i do it then forget about it. Thats all there is to it now..i dont remember if i go to class anymore. everythings a blur around gym. meh. I lost 10 pounds. im 128 now. this sucks. Wtf is wrong with me? why do i get so moppy?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sanity Under Cover of Darkness
Some might question it lately. lol. Its just that im showing more emotion than usual, dont ask why cause idk. I have a shorter temper, my friends seen me quiet and chilling just alot more lately, and ive gotten the "Hey, Are you okay?" question more than once haha. Saturday i only had 3 hours before work so i legit sat outside and smoked in one spot..straight chilling for two hours. Several of my friends past by me multiple times and was like wtf why are you still here? XD
Speaking of which i finally met someone cool and chill. Quite flattering actually, she came up to me when i was chillin for two hours and said she saw me sitting here for a bit and she needed a lighter so might as well try to ask me. She ended up asking me for my number and we've been texting consistently since. She is kinda a clash of the cute completely friendly nora and a punk rocker. haha. Pretty cute, cool. Unfortunately, not my type. lol. Her name? Kim Deng. Eh, i think shes a freshman and english major. I asked her to hang this friday. Lets see what she says *shrugs*
So, Under Cover of Darkness is the strokes new single! and the rest of their album is out in a week! SO FUCKIN ST(r)OKED lol im actually going to buy the physical disk. Cause i <3 them.
umm on a completely different topic, my social network is hitting its limit, due to my physical looks. Its rather offensive. Ive had girls say to me to my face im sorry your just so small! haha cause i hang out with doug and harrison. Its kinda why i go to the gym so much. Me and my friend Jason were talking about this. American girls are so much more anal about physical appearance compared to asians. lol. It's w/e i would never be interested in close minded tricks. lol.
I think im getting my short temper from going to the gym so much the testosterone is flowing and from the first time i went to the gym three weeks ago my body, even though unnoticable has skyrocketed strength wise. In every category ive uped at least 50 lbs. when i was using the fly machine i started with 70-100. 115 was my top and id use 115 to just do 5 sets of 2. Now i warm up at 115 and idk my max, when im warmed up im pumping 125. i lost about 7 lbs so now im only 130lbs. i need to go to the gym more often late at night, that way i can use the free weights without feeling like shit cause everyone in the free weights room are gorillas. I leave gym gym not fully satisfied now because i cannot burn out anymore. My body only gets really warmed up using machines and thats it, i dont get tired or just completely drained like i cant lift 5 more lbs. I want that feeling but it never happens..its time to go to free weights. Squats, deadlifts and benchpressing :]
Im always exhausted to, im trying really hard to push my body to its physical limit just so that i get that feeling but its not happening lol. Makes me happy that i still cant hit it but at the same time i just wanna go home and feel like a completely deserve a 10 hour night sleep. But talking about sleep is making me sleepy. maybe i should go take a nap for an hour until work.
Today will be the first time ive ever skipped a college class..and for work..idk why im doing it but it feels right. So thats what im going to do. Its okay though im acing that class regardless lol.
well what else? Feeling a bit lonely, for the most party all the parties i go to now just involve me drinking the night away every so often saying hi to someone new. I think im getting tired of partying again. lol well going to take a nap!
Speaking of which i finally met someone cool and chill. Quite flattering actually, she came up to me when i was chillin for two hours and said she saw me sitting here for a bit and she needed a lighter so might as well try to ask me. She ended up asking me for my number and we've been texting consistently since. She is kinda a clash of the cute completely friendly nora and a punk rocker. haha. Pretty cute, cool. Unfortunately, not my type. lol. Her name? Kim Deng. Eh, i think shes a freshman and english major. I asked her to hang this friday. Lets see what she says *shrugs*
So, Under Cover of Darkness is the strokes new single! and the rest of their album is out in a week! SO FUCKIN ST(r)OKED lol im actually going to buy the physical disk. Cause i <3 them.
umm on a completely different topic, my social network is hitting its limit, due to my physical looks. Its rather offensive. Ive had girls say to me to my face im sorry your just so small! haha cause i hang out with doug and harrison. Its kinda why i go to the gym so much. Me and my friend Jason were talking about this. American girls are so much more anal about physical appearance compared to asians. lol. It's w/e i would never be interested in close minded tricks. lol.
I think im getting my short temper from going to the gym so much the testosterone is flowing and from the first time i went to the gym three weeks ago my body, even though unnoticable has skyrocketed strength wise. In every category ive uped at least 50 lbs. when i was using the fly machine i started with 70-100. 115 was my top and id use 115 to just do 5 sets of 2. Now i warm up at 115 and idk my max, when im warmed up im pumping 125. i lost about 7 lbs so now im only 130lbs. i need to go to the gym more often late at night, that way i can use the free weights without feeling like shit cause everyone in the free weights room are gorillas. I leave gym gym not fully satisfied now because i cannot burn out anymore. My body only gets really warmed up using machines and thats it, i dont get tired or just completely drained like i cant lift 5 more lbs. I want that feeling but it never happens..its time to go to free weights. Squats, deadlifts and benchpressing :]
Im always exhausted to, im trying really hard to push my body to its physical limit just so that i get that feeling but its not happening lol. Makes me happy that i still cant hit it but at the same time i just wanna go home and feel like a completely deserve a 10 hour night sleep. But talking about sleep is making me sleepy. maybe i should go take a nap for an hour until work.
Today will be the first time ive ever skipped a college class..and for work..idk why im doing it but it feels right. So thats what im going to do. Its okay though im acing that class regardless lol.
well what else? Feeling a bit lonely, for the most party all the parties i go to now just involve me drinking the night away every so often saying hi to someone new. I think im getting tired of partying again. lol well going to take a nap!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
We Hit Turbulence!
Id say this is the perfect title for what im going through right now. Im still partying and going buck wild This is a song lil jon made with several others cause he started taking extasy lolol. Went to a MIT party friday. It was absolutely CRAZY the whole floor in a dorm was a part of it. and it never gets busted because the party is registered with the university..The university pays for their insane amounts of alcohol and professors were walking around and not caring at all. It gets better. The theme was mardi gra so everyone was naked..at least partially. lol i went with chris and doug and three asian girls saw us in our outfits and was like..this cant do.and stripped us. lol i was down to my gym shorts for the entire night. and some girls were walking around COMPLETELY naked. lol It was more of a show than a party, it was ridiculous and fun none the less. Afterward, me chris and doug lit it up and i got pretty high. lol I woke up at nine the next morning with only 3 hours of sleep and i was still either high or drunk..or both lol. that class was fun. then i went to gym and right after the gym i went to dan's birthday party..
Fuck you Dan. He invited emily. By the time she got there i was already really baked and shitfaced cause we took shots every 10 mins and whenever someone new came..i think i took at least 12 shots that night.. and i was high too. Crazy shit. I've developed a new personality while partying which pretty much has me literally just sitting somewhere chilling....forever. It felt soo good to just..chill. Emily tried to make moves on me all night and she was completely C-blocking me...but its whatever because i was chillin hardcore. We moved the party to doreme..i was still thoroughly intoxicated but i acted completely fine the entire night. Only difference was i was veryy chill i loved it. So everyone was singing and i legit just sat there..drank more here and there like i was sitting at home drinking alone. lol
That night only got progressively worse because emily kept sticking to me...i just wanted to fuckin chill. get away from me. I ended up asking her for a word because she was getting annoying and i told her that she seriously needed to do her own thing and i do mine. I care for her but you accuse me of rape and fuck that shit..its over. Dont think we have a future. Well Funny thing is uhh..so things were patched she understood what i meant and well..that night got messy. Im seriously scared that shes prego. Im absolutely terrified. every day. until the middle of this month. I pulled out but i think the condom broke. so im glad i did my part but there were alot of bodily fluids exchanged. I was gungho about buying her a plan b the next morning but not only was i low on money but when i went to the pharmacy they said i needed a government issued id. Fml and emily was all dont worry about it. The minute i told her i didnt have money she was like well then dont worry about it. She is so fuckin naive like a dumb blonde. Anywho, I didnt sleep last night because of this...i have 2 more weeks to suffer and if not my entire life. Im going to stick to porn for the rest of my life.
Also there are ALOT of ANNOYING people in my life right now, that i dont get rid of and i should. Nate, Dan, Emily, Cung, sometimes Kevin, and several others i just met but the fact i hung out with them in the firt place drives me nuts. I live by the thought that everyone is unique and you should never be bothered or judged by someone that doesnt actually harm me in anyway. I see everyone as a opportunity to see another side of humanity. I used to have a much higher patience and open-mind for ignorant and closed-minded fucks, but times are different. I pulled kevin aside already because he's still a very reliable friend aside for some of his ego bloated moments. I WILL punch someone in the throat if they fuck with me. I never judge others and act genuinely to everyone and i expect the same.
I lost all respect for Nate but i still hang out with him. He rides on very thin ice. Last night he was SO. FUCKING. ANNOYING. I would have just punched him in his throat in curry student center He kept acting smart like a encyclopedia. I was hanging out with jessica hao. Which i havent done in forever and i just wanted to hang out with her and he was clearly trying to act like a asshole. I asked "For my research paper should i write about volcanoes, earthquakes, landslides, or plate tectonics?" and hes like. "you just said plate tectonics four times, volcanoes, earthquakes and landslides are all caused by or related to plate tectonics" and i was trying to act calm like okay, so im just asking for which i should write about and hes like well your writing is absolutely terrible so you better pick something that you are interested in. So i try to ignore his clear offense and say," yeah but i wanna know which topic i should write about through others option because if there is a majority of people that shift to one subject, im sure that implies that its interesting" and he cuts he short like "Youre write sucks so it doesnt matter" Then every two seconds he kept smacking close my laptop screen and unplugging or grabbing my wireless mouse. HE IS SO FUCKING IMMATURE. next time he does it i swear to god i will punch him and knock him out. You can thank these people when you see me and i act like im trying to start shit or really cranky. Im going to just cut all these people from my life. But i want to punch nate, dan, and kevin in the face hard at least once first..lol
So umm yeah all of this can be considered turbulance..something that bothers me and will bother me but bound to end in the near future...just come and go. but fuck uhh..what else?
I see myself being something like a boat. Water being negative stuff..and i can just sit right on top of it and not really get hurt. I support others and do my best to keep my friends dry. Some people abuse me though, like nate. and so now the boats leaking. Once a little anger gets in..then its all hell and it just slowly buids until i sink. And bust a cap in someones ass. lol well peace!
Fuck you Dan. He invited emily. By the time she got there i was already really baked and shitfaced cause we took shots every 10 mins and whenever someone new came..i think i took at least 12 shots that night.. and i was high too. Crazy shit. I've developed a new personality while partying which pretty much has me literally just sitting somewhere chilling....forever. It felt soo good to just..chill. Emily tried to make moves on me all night and she was completely C-blocking me...but its whatever because i was chillin hardcore. We moved the party to doreme..i was still thoroughly intoxicated but i acted completely fine the entire night. Only difference was i was veryy chill i loved it. So everyone was singing and i legit just sat there..drank more here and there like i was sitting at home drinking alone. lol
That night only got progressively worse because emily kept sticking to me...i just wanted to fuckin chill. get away from me. I ended up asking her for a word because she was getting annoying and i told her that she seriously needed to do her own thing and i do mine. I care for her but you accuse me of rape and fuck that shit..its over. Dont think we have a future. Well Funny thing is uhh..so things were patched she understood what i meant and well..that night got messy. Im seriously scared that shes prego. Im absolutely terrified. every day. until the middle of this month. I pulled out but i think the condom broke. so im glad i did my part but there were alot of bodily fluids exchanged. I was gungho about buying her a plan b the next morning but not only was i low on money but when i went to the pharmacy they said i needed a government issued id. Fml and emily was all dont worry about it. The minute i told her i didnt have money she was like well then dont worry about it. She is so fuckin naive like a dumb blonde. Anywho, I didnt sleep last night because of this...i have 2 more weeks to suffer and if not my entire life. Im going to stick to porn for the rest of my life.
Also there are ALOT of ANNOYING people in my life right now, that i dont get rid of and i should. Nate, Dan, Emily, Cung, sometimes Kevin, and several others i just met but the fact i hung out with them in the firt place drives me nuts. I live by the thought that everyone is unique and you should never be bothered or judged by someone that doesnt actually harm me in anyway. I see everyone as a opportunity to see another side of humanity. I used to have a much higher patience and open-mind for ignorant and closed-minded fucks, but times are different. I pulled kevin aside already because he's still a very reliable friend aside for some of his ego bloated moments. I WILL punch someone in the throat if they fuck with me. I never judge others and act genuinely to everyone and i expect the same.
I lost all respect for Nate but i still hang out with him. He rides on very thin ice. Last night he was SO. FUCKING. ANNOYING. I would have just punched him in his throat in curry student center He kept acting smart like a encyclopedia. I was hanging out with jessica hao. Which i havent done in forever and i just wanted to hang out with her and he was clearly trying to act like a asshole. I asked "For my research paper should i write about volcanoes, earthquakes, landslides, or plate tectonics?" and hes like. "you just said plate tectonics four times, volcanoes, earthquakes and landslides are all caused by or related to plate tectonics" and i was trying to act calm like okay, so im just asking for which i should write about and hes like well your writing is absolutely terrible so you better pick something that you are interested in. So i try to ignore his clear offense and say," yeah but i wanna know which topic i should write about through others option because if there is a majority of people that shift to one subject, im sure that implies that its interesting" and he cuts he short like "Youre write sucks so it doesnt matter" Then every two seconds he kept smacking close my laptop screen and unplugging or grabbing my wireless mouse. HE IS SO FUCKING IMMATURE. next time he does it i swear to god i will punch him and knock him out. You can thank these people when you see me and i act like im trying to start shit or really cranky. Im going to just cut all these people from my life. But i want to punch nate, dan, and kevin in the face hard at least once first..lol
So umm yeah all of this can be considered turbulance..something that bothers me and will bother me but bound to end in the near future...just come and go. but fuck uhh..what else?
I see myself being something like a boat. Water being negative stuff..and i can just sit right on top of it and not really get hurt. I support others and do my best to keep my friends dry. Some people abuse me though, like nate. and so now the boats leaking. Once a little anger gets in..then its all hell and it just slowly buids until i sink. And bust a cap in someones ass. lol well peace!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Gym
So, I think im running out of single word titles. lol cause i wanted to put Isolate...but i think i already used that before..so i wanted to use Flex...but i used that already too. lol. Im really trying to fit the gym into my schedule every other day. I've been successful for the past week doing this much. Monday was the best example of a good gym day. I pulled a all-nighter cause me sleeping schedule is screwed up then i went to school tostudy for a midterm that was that day from 9-3. From 3-5 i was in the gym then from 6-8 i had the midterm and 9 to 12 work. WOO. crazy busy day. But it was great the next day i slept until 8pm LOL. I knew it was a bad idea to go to the gym but i went anyways. and i like this new motivation. :] I absolutely hate the 1 mile run i do every time before my workout...but thats why i like that too.
Other than gym dude my life has been sweet. Chris doug and i got so baked friday that i was baked all of saturday and didnt notice it until i stopped and was like...wait..holy shit. LOLOL we smoked soo much that i was GONE friday night and woke up and remained high for all of saturday LOL.
My cousin just moved out yday! Idk if i shoud celebrate cause im not sure how long hes going to be gone..lol my dad told me he moved out once already but he got fired at that job the first day. lol
Going snowboarding this saturday! yay lol and i bought guitar hero for my wii lol yayy the future looks promising.
Other than gym dude my life has been sweet. Chris doug and i got so baked friday that i was baked all of saturday and didnt notice it until i stopped and was like...wait..holy shit. LOLOL we smoked soo much that i was GONE friday night and woke up and remained high for all of saturday LOL.
My cousin just moved out yday! Idk if i shoud celebrate cause im not sure how long hes going to be gone..lol my dad told me he moved out once already but he got fired at that job the first day. lol
Going snowboarding this saturday! yay lol and i bought guitar hero for my wii lol yayy the future looks promising.
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