Longest week ever

Sigh* So i did delete a couple post..one of me being completely infatuated. another where i fell hard after Nate tore her from my arms. Which is fine. Its just that I had to manage emotionally while liking someone for the first time in uhh...4 years? went to nmh summer of junior year. so yeah. wow. Its over though. Im glad. Now that i think about it though, maybe i do still have some feelings for her, but i refuse to ever take her back. My gut feeling says she might still have feelings for me too. But idc! i did my half of communication. Its her fault for not following through on her end.

^that half was supposed to be posted like, saturday? idk. Im way beyond that now. They dont exist to me anymore, and i mean that quite literally as well cause i havent seen either of them. anywho. im only talking about them cause im editting this post that has the title i wanted to use.

Its Wednesday...and because of the previous stress..work..and school..think has to be the longest week EVER. I keep track cause i remember it was just last friday that kim told me her birthday was this friday. There were countless times in the past four days that its been weeks already, but its still the same week. So..fucking stressed. but its fun. I love challenges now. You say im a nice guy so you wanna fuck with me? lets go. You say i cant lift more weight than you? lets go. You said i cant bang out a five page research paper in eight hours? you best be KIDDING. well..i failed youre right. BUT i got like..3 done lol. including research and everything in 8 hours. It was fun. matter of fact, i still havent finished it LOL. but this is the first time i ever banged out some decent quality (i feel) work in so little time. I was never given the challenge in freshman year and i was stupid in highschool. I dont procrastinate (as much/at all) anymore. lol idk. i cant wait until this week fuckin ends. Ive been smoking a fuckton lately. So much that doug actually is like..you need to cutdown lol. he usually doesnt complain when i smoke. speaking of which. Me and him had our second serious conversation together and it was peculiar. I realized his emotions arent too different from the person i was before. Trying to find who i was. Now even if you put me into the setting and talked to me about philosophy i'd try, because i respect the effort of opening up to me, but id all me mumble. lol It got me to look at my old blog though to see how i used to talk and i found this

So im going to rest for a bit. Close my eyes and open up my head, find out why i dont sleep at night and why i hurt everyone naturally with my thoughts. Its a serious problem. Life just isnt for me. I want an excuse to get as far away from it as possible while not giving up.

Sigh* what a pathetic pathetic life. Im going in circles. Which is why i wanted to stop this from happening but its so hard to that it creeped in with every crack it can find. I can just do another "Lie to myself to belief it doesnt exist until it becomes the truth" but fuck shit i've been doing that for so damn long who am i really? Im obsessed with philosophy. Im obsessed with my downfall. I want to perish with originality and elegance. I want to suffer. I want to die. I want others to be sad for me. Its the hard truth. But the willpower i wish to unlock i gain is not negative for the most part. It is me. It has the outward determination to push people forward in a positive way while taking a complete toll on body mind and soul. There is no need for survival mode in the city. haha. But i am absolutely obsessed with the the feeling of putting myself on the line. If i manage to throw myself back five years and write constant blogs about my suffering its because i love it. I love it more than any girl, materialistic item, and self. My god. What have i become?

That shit. is so ridiculous. haha there are so many layers to that. *Shrugs* not that person anymore...at all! haha and im really happy for that. Maybe in the next life ill learn to just go with the flow at the getgo. haha *shrugs*

Well, ive been listening to alot of metal again recently thanks to the stress, I dont even feel stressed to be honest..but i know i am stressed. how do i know? cause well..my body cant keep up with me. I try my best to stay up and do my paper. and i pass out without noticing it! haha also, ive been experiencing full body crampings. It feels like i went to the gym all day and have to drag my body around...but with heart cramping as well. It just sucks trying to do shit in my condition. lol. I dont remember when i got a decent night of sleep cause i feel like its been several weeks yet its actually only been a couple of days. Idk im going to bite down, go with the flow, and ride out this week like Thomas would. Like a Boss.