Im not used to it when i cant keep up with my life. I get quiet and just..really laid back. Thats probably why i was so laid back when i was drunk that time at the party. I prefer keeping up with or even going faster than the changes happening around me. Now i just feel like sitting on one spot, speechless. for hours...or days on end..just smoking. I prefer to create change over change happening all around me.
Me and kim are moving quite fast. I realize shes right for me. She has everything ive been looking for. Like usual though, When im getting close to someone. I push for it. I try to do all the right things and just be myself as much as possible. But inside something changes, I either become fearful or really just..laid back. Like so. Idk whats wrong and why i cant be comfortable. Im still truamatized. I like her but i dont like her. I cant like her. Today we were outside and shared a smoke..she rested her head on my shoulder and told me that im really retarded lol. I took that as a compliment cause what she meant was that im the craziest person she met and she likes it. She leans in to kiss me. We peck. So thats where we stand now.
Why am i still scared? i need to be more solid with myself and if im not ready then im not ready. If i want this then i should just jump. I wish i can be like my old self. The part of me where i could just close my eyes and jump off a 80ft cliff into water without knowing how to swim. Now i have something to loose, but at the same time i dont yet have enough to give. The more i hung out with her..the quieter i got. The harder it got to smile even though she is so explosive like me.
Ive been going to the gym ALOT. my bicep is seriously fucked up on my left side. Its the only place i can let everything go because ive become so laid back haha. My bicept on my left arm has like a tumor..its clearly demented. It was because right before i left the gym yesterday doug told me "ok you wanna burn out right?" *drops to 140* I did 10 of them on the fly machine. Thats the most weight i ever did i can still go higher. but afterward my arm was kinda twitchy. it had spazums here and there and i looked at my bicep and it got a tumor. lol. Im benching 110 solid. Unfortunately, in order for me to lift anymore than this i have to gain weight. its physics. I cant be 130 and lift 160+ its literally impossible.
Work is not providing enough. Acedemic life seems inexistent. When i do hw i do it then forget about it. Thats all there is to it now..i dont remember if i go to class anymore. everythings a blur around gym. meh. I lost 10 pounds. im 128 now. this sucks. Wtf is wrong with me? why do i get so moppy?
Sunday, March 20, 2011
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Damn. You lose weight so easily. Have you been eating enough? And what do you mean you have something to lose if you were to dive into your relationship with Kim? What do you have to lose? Also, I think that if you like her, you should try it out... It seems like you only have things to gain, unless your uneasiness makes you feel like you may lose something potentially good if you mess things up. I just feel like every relationship you get will help you move past your past.
ReplyDeleteStop deleting your posts.. I want to read them!! Also, I feel like putting those posts public that you really don't want to is a start to accepting yourself and allowing others to as well..
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