Thorn

This thorn used to be a splinter that got comfortable and just stayed as flesh recovered around it..Idk now i Feel like its a hammer and chisel. I can probably go back on my old blog and know exactly when was the first time i felt loneliness, wouldnt be surprised if it was only 3 years ago. This feeling fucking SUCKS. I hate it so much. And it sucks even more that i can conceal it. cause in a flash...i bury it for 24 hours. Thats probably why i cant smoke anymore..cause i have so much hidden but hey a man gotta do what a man gotta do. idk where im going with this blog post to be honest..i wanna scream but to who? who the fuck wants to hear about a lonely dude? haha absolutely noone, cause no one can do anything about it. Shrugs* The funny thing is i wonder if all the girls ive talked to have ever become friends..and talked about me hahaha cause for one reason or another it failed. Im too awkward, fail wingman, bad timing, just out of randomness, idk. But im getting to the point where its kinda hard to walk around campus hhaa cause theres just so many fimilar faces i dont say hi to.

Btw ive noticed im a really awkward person haha. But ive always been like that. In middle school i was that token asian guy surrounded by blacks and hispanics. Getting into street fights and tryin to be thug and shit. In elementary i was that guy every girl fell for actually hahaha cause i was the same as i am now! except 10x more hyper haha and of course i was more innocent..i was just a comedian. uh highschool i was the fuckup the awkward asian that hung out with la famila crew that came to be strangely fresh with black and hispanic girls. Of course it would be awkward cause i was a small ass asian dude with swag...the fuck? haha i was striahgt forward. People would discribe of me as a ticking timebomb cause you dont know when i would do something stupid or something stupid happens to me. I have countless scars to prove it. I realized I have countless awkward contradictions in my life as well. Im a fullblown atheist and meatlover yet most of my friends are christian and vegetarians. Idk, I had other examples when i was taking a shit earlier but umm i unfortunately i dont carry around a pen and pencil. My life is a circus and im a clown. idk i dont want to be. but eh things happen.

Ive been loosing alot of sleep recent cause something has been bothering me.. and its not just lonliness. *shrugs* im getting sleepy.

Understanding

Close your eyes and just think for however long you wish. 5 minutes...30 minutes...an hour. Let your mind flow. Understand exactly what makes your mind work and how your mind builds to be the person it is becoming. Observe your subtle thoughts as they react to other thoughts or actions from friends, family, or complete strangers. This is what makes you who you are.

This is my bible. I wrote it while my mother was bitching at me about life and everything and it actually helped drown it out. I hate coming home now cause they found out i smoke but hey, you know what the say, Home sweet home. Its always a love hate relationship.

The flip

Id like to call it "The Flip". Its when two complete polar opposites come to realize they are both perfectly intertwined and it is at that moment things come together regardless of differences. Its stupid but i thought of this chapter of my life and saw of it as a literal flip. Even though i am one person i always feel like i live two lives(all of whom know of my old blog, i relate to that) but when they both come together its like finally being able to walk a mile in someone shoes, its rather gratifying.

This flip happened twice once with a friend and myself, So i feel rather enlightened. And its funny how all this happened in such a small timespan. Grrrr im having such a awesome blog moment but now i have to go to my sisters birthday dinner. Happy birthday Laurie you offically turned 23 four days ago! haha but uhh yeah..finish later

Shingles

Good ol shingles. Funny how i named my last blog post "Diagnostic" and actually made an analogy to viruses, i guess i jinxed myself. Getting this virus made me realize something, well...two things. It not only allowed me to re-establish my religious beliefs but it also exposed me to my physical limit.

As i've said before, my body has reach its physical limit numerous times already, this is one of those moments i need help to get up from. I have the shingles, it first started off as a hip pain (one of the many bodily pains ive been suffering from during the previous post i failed to complain about which also made matters worse) then right when i went to montreal as if my body purposely timed it so nicely so that i had to suffer the entirety of montreal with it, the rash began. You can see where it first started, right along the hip bone of my right hip is where the largest and most discolored blisters are. The doctors said MY story sounds textbook-shingles but once they look at it they automatically say (and twice cause i saw two different doctors) "ooh....thats not the shingles. How did that happen? Were you exposed to any plants? are you sure?" Lol Unlike the typical Shingles it does not travel in a band. It does only exist on the right side of my body but if i did not take my medication any sooner it would have spread far beyond my thigh. After the third night the rash began, the night i got back from montreal, it already managed to spread around my belt line almost reaching my belly button. It managed to string around back all the way down to my spinal cord and cover my right butt cheek my upper thigh slightly.

This physical limit shit is driving me nuts. I should always be that guy that can get back up after a punch thats what im known for and thats why noone fucks with me, mentally or physically. Apparently neither is so anymore. I know a virus like this is only possible if not only my physical body is of gaurd but my mentallity is low as well. Im kinda mad that i dropped so low and i cant say ive improved much at all. uhh..

Im Atheist, i have to always be ready to make decisions as if im the only person which can control the outcome and if things fail then im ready to take the fall for it. Death brings nothing but comfort for the people that cant deal with that pressure.

The shingles has definitely helped me and i knew it would because thats how the world is balanced, get a viral disease and in turn meet someone new, or learn a life lesson, or something else. I learned how to properly deal with pain again, thats why its healing so fast now cause i got so fed up with not being able to sleep or rolling in pain.

My life is a mess right now and idk what to do with myself. I was actually pretty happy when i first got the shingles, cause my body was so weak and i was so stressed i was like hell im going to fucking party and if shit happens then at least i went out with a bang cause i had no idea what it was yet haha.

Emotionally, i was doing better yesterday but today something is clearly off about me. Im changing into a very quiet person. Someone that really cant afford to involve myself in anything but the unavoidable in life. im so depressed through and through right now that its sickening and i dont know what to do cause i dont know why im depressed anymore.

Eh. I just need to suck it up i need something productive to do with my life

Diagnostic

My life is like how my laptop was a week ago. It was sudddenly infected by a win32 blaster worm. It happens to my computer every once in a blue moon cause of all the streaming and torrenting. Luckily with my knowledge of antivirus its only a matter of time that i kill it :D. Backround info about //blaster.worms ....they can be very smart and very fucking annoying. The one i just got rid of implanted itself so deeply into my computer and sprea out its files so that i couldnt kill it so easily and i had to hunt it down. Anywho the reason why my computer is like my life is because this worm wasnt so bad just really fucking annoying. Like my life, my computer was infected with an unwanted virus but if i went to one of the files and deleted it before the virus started up it wouldnt bother me for say...20 mins..then because there were other places where it planted itself it would spring back to life and trouble me once again. I have this virus that i can dig a hole and bury momentarily but it surfaces and mindfucks me time to time. The virus automatically force stops everything in my life, forcing me to shutdown, get into safe mode and delete what i think is the source of my problem just to have it spring back up 20 minutes later.

Let me stop beating around the bush, i actually thought of that analogy when i was taking a shower so i thought i might as well write it down...ive been outlining this post in my head for the past five hours now cause there is so much fucked up shit going on in my life. Academically i got a C- in one class and completely bombed my lab because i gave up during the last two weeks of school. Why? Cause its becoming more and more apparent to me that yes, i love engineering and i belong in engineering, but i belong in philosophy more. I realized this after pouring my heart out to my cousin high a week or two ago. Engineering...physics...innovation and science is a philosophy of its own its extremely conceptual and completely applicable. i guess my head found it to be the perfect subsitute for medittion and thinking too much. The problem is i'm fucking failing in the core requirements. Once i realized that what i love might not be meant for me because of my work ethics, its freakin truamatizing. I thought i knew where i was going in life and now i feel as if i dont belong in mechanical engineering. My confidence is shattered. To top that, Im in a financial crisis right now, i havent registered for courses and im a complete and utter failure overall. I feel like i amount to nothing right now. To top that, I cant fucking go to the gym to relieve my stress, im completely failing in my social life because i no longer fucking know who i am. Idk...my outlining failed i was suppose to type this to make my life sound like a complete mess but i cant type with the essence of despair just because im in such chaos right now that when i try to pour my heart out i eat it. I honestly feel great right now because im trying to type everything out but my mind wont let me see this shit on paper. This is the virus..and I bury shit. It drives me nuts. This is why i have such bad memory, because whenever something bad happens to me i automatically forget it..sometimes forever. Im truamatized right now.

I started thinking about my life alot thanks to donvu, and i mean that with full respect cause talking to him in person about 3 hours ago definitely showed me how fucked up i am right now. My emotions were confused from the start. I knew i never felt more depressed than i did an hour ago but at the same time i didnt feel...anything...i just felt like shit.

I like to tell myself im fucking glad i never went to the doctors cause i think im chronically depressed but since a doctor never diagnosed me i have every right to believe that im not. Thats why i can navigate so gracefully around my..shit. lol Eh im not complaining though, this is probably the happiness moment in the past several weeks...right now..when im typing. Cause nothing is going on in my head. I am anti drama through and through so there is no need for me to distress over something i cant fix at 1am in the morning, especially the academics therefore, i dont. I will begin worrying about it again once im at work and getting off work, cause im going to go to the fuckin academic advisor and cry in his arms haha.

Idk what to say...im a complete and utter mess and yet i cant freaking type it GRRR i wish i can trick myself in spilling my distress, showing where the virus is so i can squash it. But my mind refuses to see its agony materialize. I was so excited to write this blog too..

I do know that what really is bother me is my emotions. I hide it even from myself so well that even when im depressed i cant fucking feel a thing. For example, When Lauren told me she was going to see a stranger i showed worry...but i didnt feel it...but i know i should have felt it. When the girl i like stopped texting me i didnt feel sad..but i know i should have felt sad...everything negative just turns into this little pebble in my stomach that makes me uncomfortable and thats it. Even depression itsself. This is whats REALLY bothering me because ive felt depression before but even when im depressed i dont fucking feel depression i just feel so...stressed due to the uncomfort and i feel misplaced. Its not like Oh this is depression..im depressed..this is jealousy im jealous this is happiness, im happy. Its not like that anymore. Even the feeling of missing someone or liking someone is different...well its always been for me. But its all jumbled into this uncomfortableness. This is exactly how i was 5 years ago. This is because of the stress im feeling right now due to my lifestyle has forced me to shutdown everything. I want to just be alone.

What else is happening in my life? Swiss, my smoking buddy..i havent smoked with him in god knows how long because i havent had any weed and the past several times ive smoked i smoked his stuff with him. So finally i got some stuff and well...This isnt the first time but we vibe so strongly when i smoke with him it scared me. You definitely wouldnt understand when your sober and you most definitely wouldnt understand when you dont smoke at all but believe it or not two people can sit in a room completely quiet and understand each other better. Because of smoking, my awareness of people when im not depressed (aka around at least 2 or more people or when im longboarding) has increased tremendously. My ability to understand anothers intentions and emotions during an oral or typed conversation has greatly improved. Me and swiss are a special case though, we vibe so strongly that i can hear his voice inside my head. He has such a smile on but he is so fucking angry inside. I thought i was hallucinating and weed is not a hallucinogen so i knew i wasnt tripping. I took that big inhale like when you drink too much and need to sober up as much as you can and you open your eyes and exhale and look around. I did that...and started a conversation with him...and i still heard him yelling in my head I think he hates me or he is just a extremely angry person inside. I swear. And its really bothering me..Hes probably the angriest person ive ever met but i do not see anything but a smile on his face..i want to confront him about it but im hesitant cause all we do is smoke together...we never had a intellectual conversation before.

This blogpost is starting to bother me cause i was suppose to show how depressed i was...am...but clearly thats not happening so im just going to end it. Idk..Fml Ive hit a new low. I remmeber telling donvu that...im forgetting what i even said to him. fml. IT just vanished from my memory. WTF IS GOING ON. I need to snap out of it.

P.S. OH THE IRONY OF IT ALL! so i said my laptop was fixed a week ago...but honestly this is my first time using it since then and well..right when i posted this blogpost i reread it like usual for obvious grammar mistakes that may cause confusion and the freakin laptop was sent to the blue screen of death..i reopen the computer and now the virus is somehow back in my computer...and idk where. hahahaha fml. My new antivirus caught you bitch. But its alive and trying to recooperate. Oh fml.