Psychedelic trance

Im so happy to find new music. Ive been trying to look for rock bands with suitable lyrics but found none and it bugs the crap out of me. Ever since Atreyu i could safely say that there is no music that completely bonded with me before i found psychedelic trance. Infected Mushrooms has become the new atreyu and that is a bold statement because im using this band to define me.

Im reading over my past blogs and thought wow, ive changed alot. It was not a year ago that i started feeling emotions again. Ive already naturally grew comfortable being vulnerable and doing very well just going with the flow. My coworker recently actually said i look sad and distraught. well i was cause of my academics but i mean, that detail alone would have blown my mind 2 years ago. Idk im just being grateful for everything in life.

Ive challenged myself alot ever since then and i continue to challeneg myself which is why i listen to psychedelic trance. It has no lyrics but that is why it is on a completely different level of awesome. Like dubstep and house music or what have you, you let yourself feel the music and its usually the feeling to dance because thats the purpose but psychedelic trance does more than that. Its rough, heavy and weird...idk it challenges my ears and i like it! haha ive been getting into psychedelic music recently because of that reason. But now that it has no lyrics i dont have to worry about whether or not the song is for me.

It was cause i was listening to it while smoking with my cousin cause she was going away for school that i just completely opened myself up, tried something new. She being a female of around my age, a distant family member and lesbian i found her thoughts very interesting. haha We bonded that night definitely. Ive also further challenged myself by letting a new friend of mine know my blog link blog, theresa. theresa, blog haha. There isnt much to it. I just type away.

Because of my opening up with my cousin and my strange music i had a mental breakdown that i still dont know what the cause of is..aside from the fact that i know exactly what im doing with my life and my cousin showed me im meant to be an engineer and yet, i dont feel like im moving in that direction what so ever. My cousin and i talked about how how things are built such as war heads. I recall telling her i wanted to work for rytheon. Its a engineering company which builds warheads. The warhead itself is a giant computer that takes all types of engineers and its the mechanical engineers that takes all that and makes a shape for it. And i went on and on about my future. idk..i feel confident that i will end up happy in ten years..because i know where im going but i dont think im very satisfied with where i am now. There is another cause to the breakdown, i know it because if it was my present that i was stressing over it would have cleared up by now because ive been pretty studious these past few days. well idk w/e. haha and yes, theresa knows of my blog because i was actually having a mental breakdown while talking to you..the conversation would have never went that way otherwise hahaha. Its funny cause she probably didnt notice a thing.

Uhh what else? well im loving my longboard. I've progressed on my board alot. I feel as if the only thing i have yet to learn is how to dance on my board and of course, slide but that requires sliding gloves lol. I have my gym clothes with me so im ready to go to the gym woot woot. havent been in days. Im restricting it to like...once a week cause Im just trying to turn body fat into muscle and thats all. Ill be more anal once i get my protein and actually eat. Hey i successfully meditated..twice these past two weeks. Lol The first time was an hour long...i literally snapped back and looked at objects as if they were a foreign thing and i was in a different world cause time warps so bad inside the head haha. The second time was not so successful i snapped out of it 30 mins in once again, confused at where i was then luckily i was at home cause i immediately passed out from 3am to 5pm hahaha it does drain alot of energy. Ive tried several times afterward but all were unsuccessful. im assuming because ive been really confused lately.

MONICA! how can i forget about that? we almost stopped being friends. and well, now its kinda awkward cause we still havent hung out after 3 weeks of fighting even though its technically patched up. It doesnt help how i called her immature haha. Seriously idk what was wrong with her..i think she started to like me more than a friend. uhh Test! i need to studyyy haha ttyl

Infected

With a virus maybe something else...like bullshit. Something snapped inside me. Idk my entire being, after this week, just flipped upside down and wants to tell someone to fuck off. I guess it was too much drama for a guy like me. Academics and monica and idk. I dont feel like punching anyone or killing anyone...i just dont feel like joking. I like being serious, makes me feel like things are getting done even when there is nothing to be done. What is happening to me? idk but fuck this shit. I think its the music im listening to right now its a psychedelic trance band called infected mushrooms. They really get my heart pumping and theyre really eerie...idk

crushing

I feel this overwhelming pressure surrounding me that i feel obligated to run away from. I think its beacause of my academics, i know i can do so much better. Who okay'd this type of attitude from me? I think the answer to that is no one. No one really likes a guy that doesnt know what hes doing with his life. instead of facing forward and fixing this problem like i should, i run back to my old unproductive self that would rather be alone and constantly just..sitting and wondering what could happen if i did better. I wake up every morning and feel this overbearing sense of laziness that i just reek of. idk. Idk why i dont want to do my work. I crave fun, the moment of thrill that last for an hour or two at most that gives me a rush as if im a child frolicing through a candy store. Someday i have to realize i cant get any of that candy if i dont snap up.

I want to quit smoking and build begin building up to what my body once was and i want to do better in school and i want to have a infinite social life but none of this is going to come about if i push people away the way i do now. I see my body now, and yes ive grown enough to be confident wearing tight t shirts and i realized i no longer feel as if my messenger bag weighs me down but i feel weaker than i was before. I used to be the guy that can always get back up and always do more. You can say, my laziness was a grave ive dug and now im laying in. haha I i pushed my body to its limit many times now physically and its quite depressing.

I feel as if i can do my hw now..and get everything done..but i seriously hate myself for not starting earlier. I noticed that my family is distancing themselves from me because im rarely home. If i do go home, its once in two days. I take a shower, eat, hug mom and dad if theyre home, and then leave again. Now, i feel as if my sisters distance themselves cause they feel as if im pushing them away when that is not my objective. Same for my parents. My parents have stopped calling me at all. Im growing up.

Yet im broke. I literally dont have a dollar to my name. Yet i force myself to act like i dont care. Not because i dont want to change for i have admitted my problem, my problem is fixing it. blah, sure this blog will help me get through my work this time but soon afterward ill feel lazy again. Maybe i should go home tonight. I think im just homesick.

I need to learn to do work at home. I miss being the guy that tried to keep the family together. Sure, it was the only role i had in the family and i wasnt very good at it from the start but it was a responsibility that kept me a part of the family. I think im beginning to understand family and its alot more than "just friends". zzz im going to get my work done. My days are going down the drain.

I do like working at A&f though. It keeps me active and i actually learned a thing or two about air-board folding that im quite happy about. One needs a board to fold clothes on the sales floor. People that work on the sales floor enough will learn how to airboard fold because people mess up clothes faster than you can fold it and if youre folding slow, then youll be left folding clothes the entire day and still have a mess to fold at the end. I can air board fold now because my muscles remember exactly how big each board is. Before i could only airboard fold mediums and smalls but now i can do any size and any board. I will be a great asset to the company this way.

Im trying to jump back into the gym and..karma(?) has agreed to it. The day i dragged myself to the gym i bump into my friend, i ate and we talked for a while. I have a jar of protein waiting for me to pick up because he gets nice discounts on protein. Things like this tend to happen in my life..lets me know when im doing the right thing. haha not like me loosing my grinder and having it roll in such a way that only the janitors 7 hours later find it while closing. Pointing out coincidences in my life make me laugh cause they can be so disciplinary ahha.

Relationship status. has skyrocketed but im not so fortunate with it as going to the gym or getting my hw done then having my friend call me about a party on a night that is thought to be partyless. Girls at work wonder who this guy is. One girl, apparently asked all the coworkers about me and introduced herself with a big fat grin and a sparkle in her eye. i was flattered. haha Another girl added me on facebook cause she saw my picture and heard of me through several friends. Shes cute..im flattered but of course thats the most that will ever happen to me ahha.

Speaking of which, i never did see that girl i met in bolco again. We vibed completely and just like she appeared she disappeared because i didnt make a move. haha. Story of thomas's life. And speaking of people to talk about. For some reason ive been having dreams about nate lately. Of course, they are not friendly at all, matter of fact they are almost gorey. I dream of all the different ways we could see each other again and all the different ways he can act like a pussy while i smash his face into whatever i please. I fucking hate that guy...still. Idk why.

Well im ready to get some hw done. ciao ciao

psychedelic nonsense

i know i havent been blogging. Ehh why? because idk..im confused, but a good confused. My social life has skyrocketed further than it ever has and i found a new side of myself. This was thanks to smoking weed and just..not blogging or thinking at all about myself or whats going on about myself. I managed to talk to a girl for an hour straight at a party about music..that i didnt even know. lol. how does that happen? i dont even know how i pulled that off....i have a sudden urge to go to the gym.

So lets jump into the meat of things cause i noticed this is really bugging me. I've been seriously slacking. not enough for me to fail. but im a C student right now instead of a B or A with just a little bit more effort but ive been feeling really lazy. Thats maybe the side effects to smoking so much weed cause it just brings you into a state of apathy. My old habit of having the urge to do ANYTHING but hw has crept back into my life. For example, i tell myself i want to do hw after i finished this blog post and i have this undying urge to go to the gym. This is a very compelling urge too since i havent gone to the gym in ages. Im no longer motivated to go to the gym. Idk why either.

Speaking of which im losing weight..at a freaking high rate cause i dont even eat 1/3 of as much as i did in china haha. Its pretty sad. its so hard to gain weight in a city with no money :[ haha luckily i have muscle mass to give the weight loosing its limit cause i turned alot of my fat into muscle that i cant loose...unless i stop going to the gym.....fuck. hahha

See what i mean? i just dont care for myself. but heres the psychedelic nonsense, i realized i dont really care for anyone else either....So what the fuck am i doing with my life? idk...and i dont care to be honest. Its all in the moment for me. As longer as im enjoying the moment im not complaining. I wonder when im going to stop and look at myself and realize that i fucked up. maybe then im popping pain killers at the age of fifty cause of all the injures ive experienced. Or earlier at the age of 30 when my life is still going at the constant rate of confusion. Maybe at 23 when i realize that engineering isnt for me. Its so hard for me to understand level 1 material..that its a problem. *shrugs* but i dont care..i just truck through it and then theres another day.

Idk. Maybe i will hit the gym after this blogpost.