crushing

I feel this overwhelming pressure surrounding me that i feel obligated to run away from. I think its beacause of my academics, i know i can do so much better. Who okay'd this type of attitude from me? I think the answer to that is no one. No one really likes a guy that doesnt know what hes doing with his life. instead of facing forward and fixing this problem like i should, i run back to my old unproductive self that would rather be alone and constantly just..sitting and wondering what could happen if i did better. I wake up every morning and feel this overbearing sense of laziness that i just reek of. idk. Idk why i dont want to do my work. I crave fun, the moment of thrill that last for an hour or two at most that gives me a rush as if im a child frolicing through a candy store. Someday i have to realize i cant get any of that candy if i dont snap up.

I want to quit smoking and build begin building up to what my body once was and i want to do better in school and i want to have a infinite social life but none of this is going to come about if i push people away the way i do now. I see my body now, and yes ive grown enough to be confident wearing tight t shirts and i realized i no longer feel as if my messenger bag weighs me down but i feel weaker than i was before. I used to be the guy that can always get back up and always do more. You can say, my laziness was a grave ive dug and now im laying in. haha I i pushed my body to its limit many times now physically and its quite depressing.

I feel as if i can do my hw now..and get everything done..but i seriously hate myself for not starting earlier. I noticed that my family is distancing themselves from me because im rarely home. If i do go home, its once in two days. I take a shower, eat, hug mom and dad if theyre home, and then leave again. Now, i feel as if my sisters distance themselves cause they feel as if im pushing them away when that is not my objective. Same for my parents. My parents have stopped calling me at all. Im growing up.

Yet im broke. I literally dont have a dollar to my name. Yet i force myself to act like i dont care. Not because i dont want to change for i have admitted my problem, my problem is fixing it. blah, sure this blog will help me get through my work this time but soon afterward ill feel lazy again. Maybe i should go home tonight. I think im just homesick.

I need to learn to do work at home. I miss being the guy that tried to keep the family together. Sure, it was the only role i had in the family and i wasnt very good at it from the start but it was a responsibility that kept me a part of the family. I think im beginning to understand family and its alot more than "just friends". zzz im going to get my work done. My days are going down the drain.

I do like working at A&f though. It keeps me active and i actually learned a thing or two about air-board folding that im quite happy about. One needs a board to fold clothes on the sales floor. People that work on the sales floor enough will learn how to airboard fold because people mess up clothes faster than you can fold it and if youre folding slow, then youll be left folding clothes the entire day and still have a mess to fold at the end. I can air board fold now because my muscles remember exactly how big each board is. Before i could only airboard fold mediums and smalls but now i can do any size and any board. I will be a great asset to the company this way.

Im trying to jump back into the gym and..karma(?) has agreed to it. The day i dragged myself to the gym i bump into my friend, i ate and we talked for a while. I have a jar of protein waiting for me to pick up because he gets nice discounts on protein. Things like this tend to happen in my life..lets me know when im doing the right thing. haha not like me loosing my grinder and having it roll in such a way that only the janitors 7 hours later find it while closing. Pointing out coincidences in my life make me laugh cause they can be so disciplinary ahha.

Relationship status. has skyrocketed but im not so fortunate with it as going to the gym or getting my hw done then having my friend call me about a party on a night that is thought to be partyless. Girls at work wonder who this guy is. One girl, apparently asked all the coworkers about me and introduced herself with a big fat grin and a sparkle in her eye. i was flattered. haha Another girl added me on facebook cause she saw my picture and heard of me through several friends. Shes cute..im flattered but of course thats the most that will ever happen to me ahha.

Speaking of which, i never did see that girl i met in bolco again. We vibed completely and just like she appeared she disappeared because i didnt make a move. haha. Story of thomas's life. And speaking of people to talk about. For some reason ive been having dreams about nate lately. Of course, they are not friendly at all, matter of fact they are almost gorey. I dream of all the different ways we could see each other again and all the different ways he can act like a pussy while i smash his face into whatever i please. I fucking hate that guy...still. Idk why.

Well im ready to get some hw done. ciao ciao