my life right now on any chosen day is ridiculous, its not a complaint im just surprised. haha. Take Sunday for example, i was suppose to try acid..its postponed to wednesday because i had work..
edit::
and well updte on that..well it didnt happen lolol terrible planning but tomorrow is the big day im meeting pam at 830 near downtown. Acid is going to be fun :D. Continuing on the thought process of my failed attempt to my last post, last week i drank 4-6 nights that week. thats nuts. And one of those times i made out with tammy! lol it was funny okay break down so the pusle was starting to get really loud in my head like usual when i drink too much and i was sitting on her lap cause i needed to use the laptop. Well i leaned my foreheads on hers and im not going to try to lie and say i wasnt making a move cause im very attracted to her :D not going to lie. lol and well since i was already in that position and i felt a sudden jolt of SYNERGY i pecked her..then BAM! we just went at it. lol for like a really long time...long enough for me to sober up LOL which is about like..6-7 mins idk..throwing numbers out there i coulda sobered up quickly due to the fact that i was getting a hardon and all the blood was not focused on my head anymore either..but thats besides the point lol. LAst week was FUN. Never in my life have i ever felt so grateful to have a vacation. I worked really hard last semester and the end was not soley just slacking because of laziness but slacking due to exhaustion...physical fatigue due to all the all nighters. lol
So ermmm what is there left to say besides life is great? Longboard is arriving this sunday!!! technically it already did but its at my sisters house -_- lol i want to ride it NOWWW rawrs lol.
I beat F.E.A.R., F.E.A.R.- Extraction point, and F.E.A.R. 2 in like..under a week id say lol shit was awesome.
so yeah. Get with the flow, when you think something is going to bug you or cause you to lose your flow just dont even think about it say.. "Dude, it's Whatever"
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Last Note
This is a very powerful post for me. I dont remember how i came up with this thought but the minute i did i knew it to be true. I have to feel miserable to be happy. Oh i remember! i was watching Hitch lol. and will smith said the line that goes something like "I feel utterly miserable right now and if thats what it takes to be happy then fine". What i've been so traumatized of for so long is the exact same thing im looking for. i knew this but at the same time i didnt know what i was looking for. I'm not looking for love, the image of that in my head has flashed through my memories plenty of times which is how i learned how to be affectionate again, but that doesnt solve the problem of why i cant like anyone yet. The thought of love in my head is so innocent. Its the part people see in the movies. thats the only part i have allowed myself to remember even though i know deep down it isnt, which is why i remain traumatized but can be attracted to someone at the same time.
What im looking for is misery, which go hand in hand with love, bringing more litterally meaning to the phrase "I love you to death" lol. funny how much i numb myself and how long it took me to notice something so trival. Old thomas did a good job zigzaging around so that he could hide just enough from me before i lost my memories. But he was rushed..which is why i've always felt the need to look into it because i knew my feelings were poorly hidden.
This is the final note. I will not look for love nor will i learn to meditate. Ive actually never been closer to both of them which is ironic. Life is taking its course and i think the month of Demember would serve very nicely in my book of chapters.
Its almost impossible for me to fall in love again because when done right love is the biggest bandaid to your largest wound. the problem is, in the past i felt nothing but the misery for years. I feel it now and i remember the gnawing feeling clearly. That gnawing feeling in your gut is not of insanity, it was the cause of my insanity, rather it is the feeling of a piece missing from myself. Its a gnawing feeling because they are things that can never be replaced and i accept this. Even though the gnawing feeling will subside i know there are pieces lost. I gave too many pieces away now because of my self sacrifice to make everyone else happy over the years. The good news is that now that i know what misery is and already 1 foot deep in it, i will soon know what happiness is.
Love. Everytime you miss that special person every minute of the day so seeing him/her is that gratifying that it never gets old. Misery and happiness go hand in hand. Which is why i loved fullmetal alchemist because you cannot get something unless you give something of equal value in return. that is the true law to life.
I decided im not going to meditate again, it disrupts the flow of nature when you know too much. If anything, i will teach myself how to continue tackling this truama head on. In order to do this i'll have to accept my past and try to remember as much as possible and just..withstand the burden. Before i said im over it but i got over it by erasing it or only facing that large parts. Everything is beautiful and im glad im closer to accepting everything ive gone through even though i dont remember half of it.
Im watching this show called elfen lied..i watched it like 100 times its a touching show that kinda gets me mad cause the guy forgave the girl for killing his family..i mean she couldnt control her bloodthirst when she was young but still. Anywho, he went through a traumatizing situation and when someone poked at his past he would try to talk about it but then loose control and say...what was i trying to say again? lol i know its only a anime but as you can tell, dramatic moments such as these can only be reenacted in films and they help jog my memory. I used to be in the same position. How i made it out without any professional help trumps me even now. but i laugh. :] cause i like to see balance in my life. I like it.
Sometimes i just need to watch the right thing at the right time for it to help me..thats why i grew to be an obsessive person. I listen to the same song 5000 times and can watch the same movie 500 times..like fullmetal alchemist and 500 days of summer. Those pop up on the top of my head along with numerous other films and animes.
Call me dependant but hey tought times you know? and i did this all myself :] without family or friends besides several outlets. I must thoroughly thank all of you that have helped me through my life: Laurie Tsui, Gabriel Tirado, Linda Tran, Lauren Li, Robin Cheng, Bong Nguyen, Colin Macdonald, Selin Unluonen, and a few others that ive told but just put it aside. You've selflessly listen to my crazy life and without you i dont know where id be. The pieces i spoke of lie within each one of your memories because they are each a part of one thomas, That quite frankly, ive forgetten most of.
Eh its taking me a long time to write such a short choppy post. but my choppy post happen only when i try my hardest to put as many thoughts into a post as possible. Those are the post you know are most emotional.
I make it sound like its all over but shit is just begining im not even twenty yet. I still dont know how to FEEL another, im so used to using the strict morals which subsituted the lacking emotions. It works quite nicely but id like to feel again. instead of looking at a situation and understanding how one feels due to the chain of events and respond appropriately.
Ehh i feel like im REALLY close to meditation apparently all my practice has not been in vain cause i can tap into it when im high. lol My friend just established that he felt a very strong electrical field around me when i was high. Ladies and gents, that is no type of trip you should get for weed. lol. I have immense amounts of energy stored up that i cannot access. Without meditation i will not be thomas. but there will be a balance. but i will not practice it anymore because in time, just like this epihphany...itll come to me. Might be decades. lol
Relationships ehh..im looking forward to trying out a serious one i need to learn to like them though lol. the only way i can do that is feel happiness so i guess i just been looking in the wrong places..well, id must admit i really did like Claudia for god knows what reason. Her smile is original and refreshing. She kinda helped me when i thoguht about writing a blogpost about this epiphany of mine cause for once i really did hurt inside in a real situation. It wasnt like that time with sara when i was hurt cause shes a party girl. lol
My thoughts on death now...Furute me may be pretty interested because ever since now no matter when... deep down i wanted to die. well.. I dont feel any different! :D haha congrat thomas you learned how to hold your own shit? not that big of a difference on a large scale. Besides my wanting to die only thrives off of all the tosses and turns ive had to go through just to be...sane. haha fuck communicating with people, doing good in school, getting a job im talking about like..age 1-5 in your life which is just putting your feet on earth. Its been a fuckin task.
Speaking of which me and my sisters have actually decided that im actually very relationship-mature for my age. due to my openmindedness, humor, and understanding of..pretty much social construct and how people work. Im on par with my sister which is at the age of 27...i guess im ready to get married soon well im at least age 23-24 material. haha. Unfortuately for me, im going to have to wait until like...4 more years until these bitches and hoes catch up. Then i can maybee have heart to heart conversations that wont be in vain cause the other is wise enough to know what love actually is. lol but of course due to my current age, im still a sophmore and dont have the resources 23-24 year olds have so regardless my bragging is invaild and unprovable until 23-24 when everyone else should be of equal maturity. lol Hey there are some REALLY fucked up relationships even in my generation couples consider love. and they feel it and shit..dude its a whole different ballgame when you reach your twenties. people are so naive.
But Pretty much my whole life will fall in place now that ive welcomed drama back into my life. lol That was a good strong statement. I was going to title this True beauty. but dude..comeone thats weak i dont want this to be my life goal breaker. thats lame. it might just be. but im going to say nahh it cant be. So like a song i put on loop, this post is the last note to one of those songs. Its that feeling of damnit now i have to change songs and press play again with loop on, just to listen to similar shit thats quite satisfying but hey at least that song is done..im making progress. Is that metaphor too far-fetched?
What im looking for is misery, which go hand in hand with love, bringing more litterally meaning to the phrase "I love you to death" lol. funny how much i numb myself and how long it took me to notice something so trival. Old thomas did a good job zigzaging around so that he could hide just enough from me before i lost my memories. But he was rushed..which is why i've always felt the need to look into it because i knew my feelings were poorly hidden.
This is the final note. I will not look for love nor will i learn to meditate. Ive actually never been closer to both of them which is ironic. Life is taking its course and i think the month of Demember would serve very nicely in my book of chapters.
Its almost impossible for me to fall in love again because when done right love is the biggest bandaid to your largest wound. the problem is, in the past i felt nothing but the misery for years. I feel it now and i remember the gnawing feeling clearly. That gnawing feeling in your gut is not of insanity, it was the cause of my insanity, rather it is the feeling of a piece missing from myself. Its a gnawing feeling because they are things that can never be replaced and i accept this. Even though the gnawing feeling will subside i know there are pieces lost. I gave too many pieces away now because of my self sacrifice to make everyone else happy over the years. The good news is that now that i know what misery is and already 1 foot deep in it, i will soon know what happiness is.
Love. Everytime you miss that special person every minute of the day so seeing him/her is that gratifying that it never gets old. Misery and happiness go hand in hand. Which is why i loved fullmetal alchemist because you cannot get something unless you give something of equal value in return. that is the true law to life.
I decided im not going to meditate again, it disrupts the flow of nature when you know too much. If anything, i will teach myself how to continue tackling this truama head on. In order to do this i'll have to accept my past and try to remember as much as possible and just..withstand the burden. Before i said im over it but i got over it by erasing it or only facing that large parts. Everything is beautiful and im glad im closer to accepting everything ive gone through even though i dont remember half of it.
Im watching this show called elfen lied..i watched it like 100 times its a touching show that kinda gets me mad cause the guy forgave the girl for killing his family..i mean she couldnt control her bloodthirst when she was young but still. Anywho, he went through a traumatizing situation and when someone poked at his past he would try to talk about it but then loose control and say...what was i trying to say again? lol i know its only a anime but as you can tell, dramatic moments such as these can only be reenacted in films and they help jog my memory. I used to be in the same position. How i made it out without any professional help trumps me even now. but i laugh. :] cause i like to see balance in my life. I like it.
Sometimes i just need to watch the right thing at the right time for it to help me..thats why i grew to be an obsessive person. I listen to the same song 5000 times and can watch the same movie 500 times..like fullmetal alchemist and 500 days of summer. Those pop up on the top of my head along with numerous other films and animes.
Call me dependant but hey tought times you know? and i did this all myself :] without family or friends besides several outlets. I must thoroughly thank all of you that have helped me through my life: Laurie Tsui, Gabriel Tirado, Linda Tran, Lauren Li, Robin Cheng, Bong Nguyen, Colin Macdonald, Selin Unluonen, and a few others that ive told but just put it aside. You've selflessly listen to my crazy life and without you i dont know where id be. The pieces i spoke of lie within each one of your memories because they are each a part of one thomas, That quite frankly, ive forgetten most of.
Eh its taking me a long time to write such a short choppy post. but my choppy post happen only when i try my hardest to put as many thoughts into a post as possible. Those are the post you know are most emotional.
I make it sound like its all over but shit is just begining im not even twenty yet. I still dont know how to FEEL another, im so used to using the strict morals which subsituted the lacking emotions. It works quite nicely but id like to feel again. instead of looking at a situation and understanding how one feels due to the chain of events and respond appropriately.
Ehh i feel like im REALLY close to meditation apparently all my practice has not been in vain cause i can tap into it when im high. lol My friend just established that he felt a very strong electrical field around me when i was high. Ladies and gents, that is no type of trip you should get for weed. lol. I have immense amounts of energy stored up that i cannot access. Without meditation i will not be thomas. but there will be a balance. but i will not practice it anymore because in time, just like this epihphany...itll come to me. Might be decades. lol
Relationships ehh..im looking forward to trying out a serious one i need to learn to like them though lol. the only way i can do that is feel happiness so i guess i just been looking in the wrong places..well, id must admit i really did like Claudia for god knows what reason. Her smile is original and refreshing. She kinda helped me when i thoguht about writing a blogpost about this epiphany of mine cause for once i really did hurt inside in a real situation. It wasnt like that time with sara when i was hurt cause shes a party girl. lol
My thoughts on death now...Furute me may be pretty interested because ever since now no matter when... deep down i wanted to die. well.. I dont feel any different! :D haha congrat thomas you learned how to hold your own shit? not that big of a difference on a large scale. Besides my wanting to die only thrives off of all the tosses and turns ive had to go through just to be...sane. haha fuck communicating with people, doing good in school, getting a job im talking about like..age 1-5 in your life which is just putting your feet on earth. Its been a fuckin task.
Speaking of which me and my sisters have actually decided that im actually very relationship-mature for my age. due to my openmindedness, humor, and understanding of..pretty much social construct and how people work. Im on par with my sister which is at the age of 27...i guess im ready to get married soon well im at least age 23-24 material. haha. Unfortuately for me, im going to have to wait until like...4 more years until these bitches and hoes catch up. Then i can maybee have heart to heart conversations that wont be in vain cause the other is wise enough to know what love actually is. lol but of course due to my current age, im still a sophmore and dont have the resources 23-24 year olds have so regardless my bragging is invaild and unprovable until 23-24 when everyone else should be of equal maturity. lol Hey there are some REALLY fucked up relationships even in my generation couples consider love. and they feel it and shit..dude its a whole different ballgame when you reach your twenties. people are so naive.
But Pretty much my whole life will fall in place now that ive welcomed drama back into my life. lol That was a good strong statement. I was going to title this True beauty. but dude..comeone thats weak i dont want this to be my life goal breaker. thats lame. it might just be. but im going to say nahh it cant be. So like a song i put on loop, this post is the last note to one of those songs. Its that feeling of damnit now i have to change songs and press play again with loop on, just to listen to similar shit thats quite satisfying but hey at least that song is done..im making progress. Is that metaphor too far-fetched?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Training
Hehe funny how i just finished watching dragon ball Kai and for some reason i can relate to them in a peculiar way. I forever want to better myself mentally but at the same time im very satisfied with that i have. When you throw that into an extreme you birth a very productive state-of-mind. This is the unhealthy state i put myself in when i was younger, Thus lacking the need for motivation and instead i believed that the two clashing thoughts, maxed out on willpower will do the job instead. I will not make that mistake twice. At this rate i still cant live life normally.
I naturally question things too much. I want to meditate but i cant because i dont want to be emotionless. Usually when im in this state of mind i find something i could not otherwise find because this is such a peculiar outlook on life. I feel like im back at home haha. This is the state of mind many people saw me in and why they thought i was so carefree. Once i got serious though i can get dead serious due to the other side, pumped with an itch to learn.
today was a good and bad day. i went on my first date in a long time. I directly connect the thoughts of nervousness and unknowing what to do or how to act to a date..pretty much i do poorly at it and hope for the best. haha With claudia. I watched Love and other drugs with her and there were MANY times where i felt like making a move, directly connected to the emotional tossing of the movie (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED COUPLES MOVIE) Its Never a good idea to go to the movies to get to know someone, completely contradictory. but i never did end up making a move, i felt that id sent the wrong vibe because the movie was just so moving, if i reacted to with with her in mind that would imply something 3 steps ahead in relationship and i dont want to risk messing it up with her. Though, i always feel like you HAVE to make a move on the first date for the girl to realize they are being targeted and for them to contemplate whether or not she should respond. I took a different approach and just..enjoyed the movie. Interesting how she knew there was going to be alot of sex scenes and stuff and yet she was the one that recommended it.
Anywho it was a bad day cause i felt so sluggish at work. i felt unproductive and for me that is the worst feeling.
Alot of thoughts ran thorugh my head today but they were forgotten again.
humm what else? pool ive been at the same level, i can say im in the higher tier of my performance constantly but thats because i rarely play.
Long board coming in sooon! im so stoked.
For the first time i tried telling people i knew werent privileged to know about my past meditation/ obsession (kevin and nate) about it. They mock me up to this day but unlike bragging where you feel completely ridiculous after, i feel very proud of myself and i see how Ignorant they are, because i know whats real and theyre laughing at it. If it wasn't true that would be something else. but ehh.
Im trying to find things to say because i had so many thoughts ready for this blog. *shrugs*
I naturally question things too much. I want to meditate but i cant because i dont want to be emotionless. Usually when im in this state of mind i find something i could not otherwise find because this is such a peculiar outlook on life. I feel like im back at home haha. This is the state of mind many people saw me in and why they thought i was so carefree. Once i got serious though i can get dead serious due to the other side, pumped with an itch to learn.
today was a good and bad day. i went on my first date in a long time. I directly connect the thoughts of nervousness and unknowing what to do or how to act to a date..pretty much i do poorly at it and hope for the best. haha With claudia. I watched Love and other drugs with her and there were MANY times where i felt like making a move, directly connected to the emotional tossing of the movie (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED COUPLES MOVIE) Its Never a good idea to go to the movies to get to know someone, completely contradictory. but i never did end up making a move, i felt that id sent the wrong vibe because the movie was just so moving, if i reacted to with with her in mind that would imply something 3 steps ahead in relationship and i dont want to risk messing it up with her. Though, i always feel like you HAVE to make a move on the first date for the girl to realize they are being targeted and for them to contemplate whether or not she should respond. I took a different approach and just..enjoyed the movie. Interesting how she knew there was going to be alot of sex scenes and stuff and yet she was the one that recommended it.
Anywho it was a bad day cause i felt so sluggish at work. i felt unproductive and for me that is the worst feeling.
Alot of thoughts ran thorugh my head today but they were forgotten again.
humm what else? pool ive been at the same level, i can say im in the higher tier of my performance constantly but thats because i rarely play.
Long board coming in sooon! im so stoked.
For the first time i tried telling people i knew werent privileged to know about my past meditation/ obsession (kevin and nate) about it. They mock me up to this day but unlike bragging where you feel completely ridiculous after, i feel very proud of myself and i see how Ignorant they are, because i know whats real and theyre laughing at it. If it wasn't true that would be something else. but ehh.
Im trying to find things to say because i had so many thoughts ready for this blog. *shrugs*
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Attraction
Why cant i like someone? This is troublesome. LEt me lay it out. When i meet someone i am attracted to these days its not like a simple i know i like that person because i feel it..its a emotion. Its become much complex and i feel as if i still have much to redevelop because when i meet someone thats attractive physically or personality wise, They make me smile, yes, they make me feel very interested and curious. Those are only very few pieces to the emotional of attraction though. What happen to the whole, Attraction? The attraction that lies in chemistry when i speak with her, or the feeling of missing someone. These all go hand in hand when one person is attracted to another. This was only a small problem with Emily, there were times i guess i can say...forgot to like her. It made me question myself because if i go on a whole two days and not think of her at all then just say whoops hi oh your the one im seeing oh yeah youre the one im supose to like..okay..*like* lol. I could deal with that..but i noticed that whether it is a cuddle buddy or a serious relationship. I put a peice of my heart in every one of them.
Now i met this girl named Claudia and i just feel like a robot. Shes the girl ive been waiting for this whole time. And im a robot. I actually can remember her face whenever i please. Let me show you how special that is for me. It takes a memory of essence of personality and distinctive aspect on the face for me to remember your face. thats always who its been ever since i lost my memory. If you told me to paint a mental picture of my sisters or my parents its impossible. all id remember about my younger sister is her mole..and my older sister...nothing. Parents...ehh.. nothing. It takes alot for me to draw a mental picture of a face. I rememeber Claudia's face instantly when i draw the shape of her smile in my mind and think of a strong yet bubbly girl. Its so cute. lol
It hurts me because i cant actually feel the simple yet strong emotion of attraction. If i know what hurt means anymore. It seems like insanity has numbed a large portion of my subconscious yet again, i havent noticed because i have no need for it til now. I know i like this girl, she makes me smile and when im with her i dont think about anything else. I get nervous and feel butterflies. But the feeling of actual attraction is lost. Where is my fuckin heart? Am i so scared to fall in love again, through and through, that i cant even like a girl like claudia? this is ridiculous. Emily still doesnt understand this. and hopefully she reads this. I liked her...but at the same time i cant like her lol. I cant stay in a relationship for me its impossible. I want to make it work though. I need to fix myself. Funny thing is when i look at all the people i used to like, The very simplistic feeling of attraction comes to mind again. but that is a memory that for some reason is a "read-only" file. I know you think its wrong. But lots of times to kinda..get the gears moving..i thought of when i genuinely liked van..then i opened my eyes and saw emily then id talk to emily and reember the emotion of liking EMILY. and thats how i did it. Im a different person. And i dont want to be. Can the person that stole my heart please return it to me? One day this blog would be put into the wrong hands and everyone would see the lies i have to live to be human. For the most part, you only see my true lacking when the subject of attraction comes to mind. This is how empty i was when i lost my memory, I moved and acted but felt. NOTHING..remembered Nothing. i would say "now i will laugh, because it is morally correct"...i wonder...if diagnosed, exactly how SANE am i? Well, i knew ever since i lost my memories how fragile ive become. I knew that the next girl i was to give my heart to i would have to marry. But i abused it. Van, Sara, emily, chengcheng, anh, lindsay, rachael, gloria, christine afable, angela O., Stephanie...im probably missing some. alot of girls have came and left. Idk..it sucks. w/e.
I digress, i do not wish to instill the wrong thoughts onto myself. im comepletely sane, im somehow over dramatic and too close to the project. i just need to step back. Im holding onto things and hiding others on instinct because im used to messing with my head. Ive been for god knows how long i need to stop what im doing. Its very simple i just need to open my eyes and live.
right?
The Killers- Sweet talk
Now i met this girl named Claudia and i just feel like a robot. Shes the girl ive been waiting for this whole time. And im a robot. I actually can remember her face whenever i please. Let me show you how special that is for me. It takes a memory of essence of personality and distinctive aspect on the face for me to remember your face. thats always who its been ever since i lost my memory. If you told me to paint a mental picture of my sisters or my parents its impossible. all id remember about my younger sister is her mole..and my older sister...nothing. Parents...ehh.. nothing. It takes alot for me to draw a mental picture of a face. I rememeber Claudia's face instantly when i draw the shape of her smile in my mind and think of a strong yet bubbly girl. Its so cute. lol
It hurts me because i cant actually feel the simple yet strong emotion of attraction. If i know what hurt means anymore. It seems like insanity has numbed a large portion of my subconscious yet again, i havent noticed because i have no need for it til now. I know i like this girl, she makes me smile and when im with her i dont think about anything else. I get nervous and feel butterflies. But the feeling of actual attraction is lost. Where is my fuckin heart? Am i so scared to fall in love again, through and through, that i cant even like a girl like claudia? this is ridiculous. Emily still doesnt understand this. and hopefully she reads this. I liked her...but at the same time i cant like her lol. I cant stay in a relationship for me its impossible. I want to make it work though. I need to fix myself. Funny thing is when i look at all the people i used to like, The very simplistic feeling of attraction comes to mind again. but that is a memory that for some reason is a "read-only" file. I know you think its wrong. But lots of times to kinda..get the gears moving..i thought of when i genuinely liked van..then i opened my eyes and saw emily then id talk to emily and reember the emotion of liking EMILY. and thats how i did it. Im a different person. And i dont want to be. Can the person that stole my heart please return it to me? One day this blog would be put into the wrong hands and everyone would see the lies i have to live to be human. For the most part, you only see my true lacking when the subject of attraction comes to mind. This is how empty i was when i lost my memory, I moved and acted but felt. NOTHING..remembered Nothing. i would say "now i will laugh, because it is morally correct"...i wonder...if diagnosed, exactly how SANE am i? Well, i knew ever since i lost my memories how fragile ive become. I knew that the next girl i was to give my heart to i would have to marry. But i abused it. Van, Sara, emily, chengcheng, anh, lindsay, rachael, gloria, christine afable, angela O., Stephanie...im probably missing some. alot of girls have came and left. Idk..it sucks. w/e.
I digress, i do not wish to instill the wrong thoughts onto myself. im comepletely sane, im somehow over dramatic and too close to the project. i just need to step back. Im holding onto things and hiding others on instinct because im used to messing with my head. Ive been for god knows how long i need to stop what im doing. Its very simple i just need to open my eyes and live.
right?
The Killers- Sweet talk
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Coincidence
No matter how small the event is, it is the combination of all these events which truely count. I know first hand exactly what fate means. Everything in my life is neither coincidence nor due to a hypothetical puppeteer. But i believe that if you take 1 week of my life, just a random.. one rather more busy weeks, you will see something remarkable. Reading in between the lines there is a pattern. Everything in your life is due to the decisions you made and/or little pushes which come out of thin air. These little "pushes" cause you, subconsciously, to continue making these spectrum of decisions. This is what the more abstract but applicable side of my past meditation has taught me. This cycle is then what you call..my life, maybe anyones life. Youd notice it well if you read my past post and compare it to my recent ones...even though ive changed so much..i havent changed at all. In conclusion, this is what id like to call Soul. It took me 7 years to finally finish the explanation of the meaning body, mind AND soul. I Finished this philosophical train of thought in 9th grade. This was how i was sure that no matter what happens to me, i will be okay as long as my soul is intact. Of course, memories though small pieces of very fragile data, make up almost 80% of your soul. Thats why i got scared when i started losing my memories. Im slowly making more and more connections as time runs its course. Things such as the recent surge of insanity. (the reason why i was far too exhausted to wake up when i wanted to (and was suppose to) go shopping with you, im sorry.) It Really help bring back such memories and help me figure out who i am. The push that vanished the though of ever having insanity enter my life again came after the feeling of insanity lingered after i fought it off the first time, it taunting me that it would come back and continued chewing at my head. Thats when the good old thomas came back with a spike of..well, insanity. Fight fire with fire is was always the best solution and with that insane anti insanity surge came these memories. Even though i know there are completely different parts of my life i tend to call new thomas and old thomas. I believe the thoughts during those transitions are what count the most. Maybe when i gather enough memories id finally make everything into one piece and truely be happy. Epiphany. Maybe that is the true beauty in MY life.
Well, let me continue with the more realitic reason as to why i titled this Coincidence. I might not show it at all, but i take every criticism to heart. It affects me on a more subconscious level. Because it is still young and i dont know what i want since i have just started this new me not...3 years ago. Reactions and proper responses tend to escape me under tense situations. One would call that chronic socially awkward. lol. but what i do know is that the recent chain of events is no coincidence. This is a period in my life where everything in the past when i made a impulsive decision comes back, with the help of that invisible hand. MAny would consider this another day, another week, another night. This thanksgiving is truely special though. Hint: this is the same old shit, its not really actually that special, but im a philosophy fanatic at heart and to see the world at work is rare and im very grateful when it slaps me in the face.
I want to meditate again. This time. Not just dive into it. Epiphany tells me there are as many paths as the strongest mind can see. Unlike before which was only a theory of the obvious possibility of there being another more effective and strong path than my past one, ive actually felt this spectrum not too long ago. With the chain of events and the time being winter. This is all too perfect of a time to begin training..and not like before where its like..okay hold my nose and try to dip in and see how long i can last. Thats me being me and trying to use trial and error.
I want to create a brand new pathway into my mind. Not so naive as happiness. Definitely not anger. But something to integrate everything i have from insanity to the most charismatic personality. That wasn't meant to be boasting at all but people say they can FEEL my emotions when i talk, when i type, but only when the situation is priceless. Its quite flattering, probably derived from my past knowledge of looking into peoples eyes. Its okay, i find myself speaking so mythologically quite ridiculous myself right now. This type of meditation...i feel it. Its pure. It is meant do dig deep into what i was looking into before but with a passionate eye, not just an obsessed and needy eye which i had before. there is a slender difference. Now this epiphany just occurred moments ago..when i was actually watching harry potter.
For some reason i started thinking about the golden seeker in harry potter...that in turn opened a port to me back in 05 when i watched goblet of fire with phi..the year i lost my memories. it was nothing deeply analytical like of that day. It was just a glance. While i was at it, i looked everywhere around me now and noticed..this setup isnt much different than my life back then..not as climatic..but i hope it goes up hill from here like it did back then. If not then then working on then hauling this epiphany of a new type of meditation may take years or decades to work upon. may fate be kind once more. Hopefully i dont have to sacrifice my emotions or memories again to obtain a unbiased and open mind.
This should be fun.
Well, let me continue with the more realitic reason as to why i titled this Coincidence. I might not show it at all, but i take every criticism to heart. It affects me on a more subconscious level. Because it is still young and i dont know what i want since i have just started this new me not...3 years ago. Reactions and proper responses tend to escape me under tense situations. One would call that chronic socially awkward. lol. but what i do know is that the recent chain of events is no coincidence. This is a period in my life where everything in the past when i made a impulsive decision comes back, with the help of that invisible hand. MAny would consider this another day, another week, another night. This thanksgiving is truely special though. Hint: this is the same old shit, its not really actually that special, but im a philosophy fanatic at heart and to see the world at work is rare and im very grateful when it slaps me in the face.
I want to meditate again. This time. Not just dive into it. Epiphany tells me there are as many paths as the strongest mind can see. Unlike before which was only a theory of the obvious possibility of there being another more effective and strong path than my past one, ive actually felt this spectrum not too long ago. With the chain of events and the time being winter. This is all too perfect of a time to begin training..and not like before where its like..okay hold my nose and try to dip in and see how long i can last. Thats me being me and trying to use trial and error.
I want to create a brand new pathway into my mind. Not so naive as happiness. Definitely not anger. But something to integrate everything i have from insanity to the most charismatic personality. That wasn't meant to be boasting at all but people say they can FEEL my emotions when i talk, when i type, but only when the situation is priceless. Its quite flattering, probably derived from my past knowledge of looking into peoples eyes. Its okay, i find myself speaking so mythologically quite ridiculous myself right now. This type of meditation...i feel it. Its pure. It is meant do dig deep into what i was looking into before but with a passionate eye, not just an obsessed and needy eye which i had before. there is a slender difference. Now this epiphany just occurred moments ago..when i was actually watching harry potter.
For some reason i started thinking about the golden seeker in harry potter...that in turn opened a port to me back in 05 when i watched goblet of fire with phi..the year i lost my memories. it was nothing deeply analytical like of that day. It was just a glance. While i was at it, i looked everywhere around me now and noticed..this setup isnt much different than my life back then..not as climatic..but i hope it goes up hill from here like it did back then. If not then then working on then hauling this epiphany of a new type of meditation may take years or decades to work upon. may fate be kind once more. Hopefully i dont have to sacrifice my emotions or memories again to obtain a unbiased and open mind.
This should be fun.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Restrictions
Funny how i say NAY to meditation! Previously but of course fate must fight against my outcry against my true nature. For the past two to three days i am drained of energy throughout the entire day. Insanity has broke open the door and come back into my life that cannot withstand such powerful emotional movement. For at least 15 mins at a time i would randomly get a surge of madness rush through me. My blood pressure rises to the point where i can heart my heartbeat over my music. Focus is completely out of the question and my mind goes through all the could have should have would have but didn'ts in my life.Sometimes if its bad enough i dont think of anything and those take 30 mins to pacify because i dont have any repellent to plain insanity. It makes me want to kill someone. My hands would shake uncontrollably and the more i breath and try to contain it the more mad it becomes. I smoke way too much now because of this. The only way to stop this from happening, that i can think of, is the use of meditation and wiping my head clean of all thoughts. i noticed my short term memory will suffer due to this but right now smoking cannot suffice. I need someone to punch me. Fuck insanity. I dont like laughing at my own misfortunes. It drives me into a state of lies and hides me behind that viel ive been so desperately trying to tear to shreds with the help of this blog and socializing with others. Insanity also makes me want to drop all ambitions and strive to perfect myself and strengthen the mind. I dont want that.
I now know i want to feel. I want emotions. I want to Actually excel without some fucked up aspirations. I want to breath. mentally i become like a hot rock just Cooking itself with madness. FUCK EVERYONE. I dont want anyone to see me like this :[ Fuck i just missed my last train i need sleep. Whenever i get these surges it takes up more energy than a 20 mile walk. I know this cause i can still function without sleep if i do the walk for hunger. Thats physical stamina. This eats away the mental stamina and causes so much stress. yesterday after i laid in bed sleepless and going mad until 6am, i fell asleep feeling lke i havent slept for 3 days. i ended up waking up at 6pm. Fuck you emily. it really is all her fault. I worried and cared for her so much that her madness threw me off the cliff. The surge has subsided for now.
Now that i offically missed the last train (accidently) i have to stay up all night and more prone to witness more of these surges.
P.s. first surge of the night and i felt great coming from work an hour our two ago. This surge completely trumped the monster i finished not two hours ago. this is fuckin nuts. im so exhausted already... need sleep and i cant sleep in the fuckin library. NUT UP AND HAUL ASS like good old days. damn i withstanded this shit everyday when i was younger...and came to welcome it. How did i do it? Atreyu-Dilated all over again lol LET DO THIS GRR.
P.s.s. So good news. After the first surge that was the only surge and the last one. With my awesomeness i booted that shit out. If stuff troubles you just erase it. :P. It was hard but i brought that shit back right before it completely disappeared and i fought it head on and gave it a good 1 2 punch haha bossy. Time for life to continue
I now know i want to feel. I want emotions. I want to Actually excel without some fucked up aspirations. I want to breath. mentally i become like a hot rock just Cooking itself with madness. FUCK EVERYONE. I dont want anyone to see me like this :[ Fuck i just missed my last train i need sleep. Whenever i get these surges it takes up more energy than a 20 mile walk. I know this cause i can still function without sleep if i do the walk for hunger. Thats physical stamina. This eats away the mental stamina and causes so much stress. yesterday after i laid in bed sleepless and going mad until 6am, i fell asleep feeling lke i havent slept for 3 days. i ended up waking up at 6pm. Fuck you emily. it really is all her fault. I worried and cared for her so much that her madness threw me off the cliff. The surge has subsided for now.
Now that i offically missed the last train (accidently) i have to stay up all night and more prone to witness more of these surges.
P.s. first surge of the night and i felt great coming from work an hour our two ago. This surge completely trumped the monster i finished not two hours ago. this is fuckin nuts. im so exhausted already... need sleep and i cant sleep in the fuckin library. NUT UP AND HAUL ASS like good old days. damn i withstanded this shit everyday when i was younger...and came to welcome it. How did i do it? Atreyu-Dilated all over again lol LET DO THIS GRR.
P.s.s. So good news. After the first surge that was the only surge and the last one. With my awesomeness i booted that shit out. If stuff troubles you just erase it. :P. It was hard but i brought that shit back right before it completely disappeared and i fought it head on and gave it a good 1 2 punch haha bossy. Time for life to continue
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Aspirations
Im starting to slack in school and its starting to annoy me. Why? because im naturally a lazy person and old habits die hard. Its fucking annoying. Speaking of fucking annoying aside from my academics which i cant focus on sometimes and still cant even if i slap myself. I notice I've actually become quite a douchebag. The man that used to have the patience that would never waiver is disintegrating. Now i have the urge to punch someone in the face if they are being the annoying.
For instance, my friend nate, not sure if i mentioned him in past post but he taught me how to use autocad in the beginning. Hes a douchebag at heart. I used to be very patient with him and everyone but that has suddenly left me when i went to school 3 days ago exhausted. Like usual, i was at the library with him overnight pulling a all-nighter and playing video games. He has the tendency to reach over when your playing games and spam every button on the keyboard. I was tired and wanted to just play games for a short period of time then crack down on hw but nope of course he would never let me. After the second time he did him i nudged him hard and tangled his arms up with my one free hand. He started laughing and since he had two free hands he wrestled mine into a lock and started to bend my fingers back. My fingers are not flexible at all and the furthest it goes is straight up so it hurt. I took my other hand and clenched a fist and i took the gamble by swinging a punch and i managed to stop right before his nose. Then i said,"stop" gently. fuckin guy. i usually can control my punches very well but i wasn't sure if i might accidentally follow through too much if i actually want to punch him. Besides every time i do that i actually put my body into it so yeah. If i did punch him in the jaw we would have started fighting right in the library xD. Same goes for Kevin and pretty much anyone. I dont like this new change in me but its actually what i wished for. 5 years ago it was my goal to blend my happy side with my angry serious side so even though i dont like it i have to remember there was a period of my life i wanted this and but my life into obtaining it. So i guess i respect this change.
Another thing that is starting to annoy me is my cousin from china. I dont feel bad for him because he just came from china even thought he doesnt know a lick of english, because he is 27 and can hold his own. I respect him for who he is: a respectful, watchful cousin that still keeps in mind that he is a guest at our house. So, is personality is fine and i hugn out with him but dude..he needs to get his own fuckin laptop. lol. I let him use it out of courtesy and its ne of those things you say your perfectly "fine" with, but youre actually not. this is my new baby and i love her. Im so scared hes downloading random shit or just treating it badly. It also has become a hassle for me because the laptop now uses two interfaces, one chinese and the other being english. to switch from typing english to chinese i can either press caps..or shift. the annoying thing is caps still works as caps so its fine for chinese but in english pressing caps means turning it into english AND making everything caps. So that means i have to switch it to shift..everyone knows you need shift. I should have used it at least ten times in the last paragraph. So now i have to get used to pressing caps... Just the small things which arent actually inconveniences make me irk, especially with my surprisingly short temper.
Anywho time for the real reason for this title, "Aspirations", which actually refers back to my acedemics. Im mad at myself because i feel like i depend on meditation wayy too much. I try so hard to perfect my mentality before even doing shit that it doesnt get anything done. For example, when i noticed myself slacking i started thinking, damn i wish i knew how to meditate then i can change this. That is completely bullshit. I could probably change it but now i feel like i just need to put my foot down. Hell is freezing over. haha yet, i still feel the obligation to learn how to meditate for relaxation and self discipline purposes. Even though they can be done without it. Im human and all i can do is aim for MORE. Aspirations are something you keep saying but never follow through with. Thats what happens when you try to bring meditation to reality. My old self might be able to prove me wrong. but thats what i think right now. the things im sayaing right now are bold.. and i might think otherwise later because i know who i am and who i was. I think. So im going to stop. haha but come on thomas! crack down and fuckin get them A's so you can slap your dad in the face!
P.s. i still want to punch my dad in the face. He was whining like a bitch about driving me to northeastern one day even though he offered since hes going to pick up my sister anyways. He usually picks my sister up from work to drive her back to her dorm and he was going to be late picking her up now that he drove me to school. He was clearly making bullshit excuses and not admitting he was playing favorites like "your wasting my time and gas, dont you understand how precious that is?" Bullshit. Fuckin cocksucker you yell at me every night before i sleep saying why didnt you call me to pick you up?! im retired and dont have shit to do anyways. I get home at one and still have the courtesy to let them sleep, thats why. I got so mad when he was just bitching the whole ride to northeastern like, why couldnt you just take the green line? or take the bus. Well i thought he was going to BU, and he even said "isnt there a greenline near bu you can take?" and im like..thats a B line dad, and he didnt believe me. so i had to call my sister and have her say no dad, there is no e line near bu. So then i said why does it matter? if you follow the green line by car youll be passing neu anyways to get to bu. and then he says im not going to bu, her work place is near home so now i have to go back around. WELL IS IT SO HARD TO JUST DRIVE YOUR SON TO SCHOOL CAUSE I NEEDED TO CATCH THE E LINE TO GO TO WORK? fuck you dad. seriously. Besides go fuckin pick up laurie when your driving back home! DUH.. or if i knew you coulda picked her up before we went to neu. He nade such a big deal out of it it was ridiculous. Even though i spoke to mom about our arguement and laid down my logic as to why shes a fucking dick and why dads a bigger dick and why i wasnt home for 4 days the day he disowned me, she said oh well, dad still loves you. Bullshit. Fuck parents honestly, every so often he still shows his true self when hes forced to choose between me or my sisters. He doesnt change. I want to punch him in the face for being such a bad father. I told my mom that to. I told her shes lucky my dad wasnt K.o.'d on the floor. *spits* im going to smoke. Then do my fuckin homework. But just to clarify, i dont hope my dad rots in hell. my emotions against him is similar though, i just wishes he would get his ego bitchslapped cause im going to be living in the house for the next 5 years at least. My mom is improving though,shes not such a retard. Then again im never at home. only reason why im home more often now is because my cousin wants to use my laptop -_-.
Well this post was fun Ciao!
For instance, my friend nate, not sure if i mentioned him in past post but he taught me how to use autocad in the beginning. Hes a douchebag at heart. I used to be very patient with him and everyone but that has suddenly left me when i went to school 3 days ago exhausted. Like usual, i was at the library with him overnight pulling a all-nighter and playing video games. He has the tendency to reach over when your playing games and spam every button on the keyboard. I was tired and wanted to just play games for a short period of time then crack down on hw but nope of course he would never let me. After the second time he did him i nudged him hard and tangled his arms up with my one free hand. He started laughing and since he had two free hands he wrestled mine into a lock and started to bend my fingers back. My fingers are not flexible at all and the furthest it goes is straight up so it hurt. I took my other hand and clenched a fist and i took the gamble by swinging a punch and i managed to stop right before his nose. Then i said,"stop" gently. fuckin guy. i usually can control my punches very well but i wasn't sure if i might accidentally follow through too much if i actually want to punch him. Besides every time i do that i actually put my body into it so yeah. If i did punch him in the jaw we would have started fighting right in the library xD. Same goes for Kevin and pretty much anyone. I dont like this new change in me but its actually what i wished for. 5 years ago it was my goal to blend my happy side with my angry serious side so even though i dont like it i have to remember there was a period of my life i wanted this and but my life into obtaining it. So i guess i respect this change.
Another thing that is starting to annoy me is my cousin from china. I dont feel bad for him because he just came from china even thought he doesnt know a lick of english, because he is 27 and can hold his own. I respect him for who he is: a respectful, watchful cousin that still keeps in mind that he is a guest at our house. So, is personality is fine and i hugn out with him but dude..he needs to get his own fuckin laptop. lol. I let him use it out of courtesy and its ne of those things you say your perfectly "fine" with, but youre actually not. this is my new baby and i love her. Im so scared hes downloading random shit or just treating it badly. It also has become a hassle for me because the laptop now uses two interfaces, one chinese and the other being english. to switch from typing english to chinese i can either press caps..or shift. the annoying thing is caps still works as caps so its fine for chinese but in english pressing caps means turning it into english AND making everything caps. So that means i have to switch it to shift..everyone knows you need shift. I should have used it at least ten times in the last paragraph. So now i have to get used to pressing caps... Just the small things which arent actually inconveniences make me irk, especially with my surprisingly short temper.
Anywho time for the real reason for this title, "Aspirations", which actually refers back to my acedemics. Im mad at myself because i feel like i depend on meditation wayy too much. I try so hard to perfect my mentality before even doing shit that it doesnt get anything done. For example, when i noticed myself slacking i started thinking, damn i wish i knew how to meditate then i can change this. That is completely bullshit. I could probably change it but now i feel like i just need to put my foot down. Hell is freezing over. haha yet, i still feel the obligation to learn how to meditate for relaxation and self discipline purposes. Even though they can be done without it. Im human and all i can do is aim for MORE. Aspirations are something you keep saying but never follow through with. Thats what happens when you try to bring meditation to reality. My old self might be able to prove me wrong. but thats what i think right now. the things im sayaing right now are bold.. and i might think otherwise later because i know who i am and who i was. I think. So im going to stop. haha but come on thomas! crack down and fuckin get them A's so you can slap your dad in the face!
P.s. i still want to punch my dad in the face. He was whining like a bitch about driving me to northeastern one day even though he offered since hes going to pick up my sister anyways. He usually picks my sister up from work to drive her back to her dorm and he was going to be late picking her up now that he drove me to school. He was clearly making bullshit excuses and not admitting he was playing favorites like "your wasting my time and gas, dont you understand how precious that is?" Bullshit. Fuckin cocksucker you yell at me every night before i sleep saying why didnt you call me to pick you up?! im retired and dont have shit to do anyways. I get home at one and still have the courtesy to let them sleep, thats why. I got so mad when he was just bitching the whole ride to northeastern like, why couldnt you just take the green line? or take the bus. Well i thought he was going to BU, and he even said "isnt there a greenline near bu you can take?" and im like..thats a B line dad, and he didnt believe me. so i had to call my sister and have her say no dad, there is no e line near bu. So then i said why does it matter? if you follow the green line by car youll be passing neu anyways to get to bu. and then he says im not going to bu, her work place is near home so now i have to go back around. WELL IS IT SO HARD TO JUST DRIVE YOUR SON TO SCHOOL CAUSE I NEEDED TO CATCH THE E LINE TO GO TO WORK? fuck you dad. seriously. Besides go fuckin pick up laurie when your driving back home! DUH.. or if i knew you coulda picked her up before we went to neu. He nade such a big deal out of it it was ridiculous. Even though i spoke to mom about our arguement and laid down my logic as to why shes a fucking dick and why dads a bigger dick and why i wasnt home for 4 days the day he disowned me, she said oh well, dad still loves you. Bullshit. Fuck parents honestly, every so often he still shows his true self when hes forced to choose between me or my sisters. He doesnt change. I want to punch him in the face for being such a bad father. I told my mom that to. I told her shes lucky my dad wasnt K.o.'d on the floor. *spits* im going to smoke. Then do my fuckin homework. But just to clarify, i dont hope my dad rots in hell. my emotions against him is similar though, i just wishes he would get his ego bitchslapped cause im going to be living in the house for the next 5 years at least. My mom is improving though,shes not such a retard. Then again im never at home. only reason why im home more often now is because my cousin wants to use my laptop -_-.
Well this post was fun Ciao!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Runner
Before i tell anyone about anything about myself, some might notice that no matter how open i seem, i am hiding alot. Im trying my very best to show myself so that there isnt that feeling, but getting to know me will still lead to surprises. Keep this in mind while you read my post.
Nobody knows this cause i didnt tell anyone, but i did something stupid. I went to work high. It didnt work well at all until i took three ibuprofen. During the ride to work and at work i had serious epiphanies. My memories of old times came back again. This is the second time i thought like a child when i was high but this time i was more or less in control. I also get that dancing high haha that happens every time and my muscles twitch to whatever beat is around me. haha. but thats besides the point.
When i was high, i had epiphanies about my past. I noticed how immature i was when i was younger. how immature i am now. I realized how mature i was when i was little and what im still lacking now. i came to notice that everyone in college are still immature. i defined immature as "actions or reactions towards certain situations that do not require any reasoning or realization that the reaction just occurred" You react on impluse and on habit. That is immaturity. When i burst open the door at the neu poolroom after i got high and went in saying Hey!..that is immature. Im saying it to a certain someone but my bursting through the door were on impulse and without reason or realization i did it. My friend when you insult him he waits until you walk by him and he kicks behind him, thus kicking your shin. This is also immature because it did not require any critical thinking to do. He probably thought nothing of it when he did it and did not realize it. Thats when you know it was a old habit that followed him through the years. This was the thought process i had when i was young so that no matter what i would be as mature as my age would allow because my old habits would wash away.
I am a runner because when im dreaming, or intoxicated, my mind makes up for the time i didnt spend meditating. I had immense amounts of Chi when i was high on the subway. So much in fact that the canada dry i held would be covered in steam whenever i held it. condensation. When i put the bottle on my thighs cause i closed my eyes, folded my arms and legs to meditate. it was close to my body. Even though it was half empty by the time i opened it the fizz reached all the way to the top and it was very flat. idk. phenomenon. I can also make it feel so cold that i dropped the bottle. Right after that i made it so hot it the steam covered the entire bottle. My body and mind are trying to scream something to me that i can only hear when im intoxicated or asleep.
I cant show myself if i still dont even know myself. Thats why i forever run from people subconsciously. So if you like who i am catch me before i run off again... you know..all these blog post are a bit immature too.
Nobody knows this cause i didnt tell anyone, but i did something stupid. I went to work high. It didnt work well at all until i took three ibuprofen. During the ride to work and at work i had serious epiphanies. My memories of old times came back again. This is the second time i thought like a child when i was high but this time i was more or less in control. I also get that dancing high haha that happens every time and my muscles twitch to whatever beat is around me. haha. but thats besides the point.
When i was high, i had epiphanies about my past. I noticed how immature i was when i was younger. how immature i am now. I realized how mature i was when i was little and what im still lacking now. i came to notice that everyone in college are still immature. i defined immature as "actions or reactions towards certain situations that do not require any reasoning or realization that the reaction just occurred" You react on impluse and on habit. That is immaturity. When i burst open the door at the neu poolroom after i got high and went in saying Hey!..that is immature. Im saying it to a certain someone but my bursting through the door were on impulse and without reason or realization i did it. My friend when you insult him he waits until you walk by him and he kicks behind him, thus kicking your shin. This is also immature because it did not require any critical thinking to do. He probably thought nothing of it when he did it and did not realize it. Thats when you know it was a old habit that followed him through the years. This was the thought process i had when i was young so that no matter what i would be as mature as my age would allow because my old habits would wash away.
I am a runner because when im dreaming, or intoxicated, my mind makes up for the time i didnt spend meditating. I had immense amounts of Chi when i was high on the subway. So much in fact that the canada dry i held would be covered in steam whenever i held it. condensation. When i put the bottle on my thighs cause i closed my eyes, folded my arms and legs to meditate. it was close to my body. Even though it was half empty by the time i opened it the fizz reached all the way to the top and it was very flat. idk. phenomenon. I can also make it feel so cold that i dropped the bottle. Right after that i made it so hot it the steam covered the entire bottle. My body and mind are trying to scream something to me that i can only hear when im intoxicated or asleep.
I cant show myself if i still dont even know myself. Thats why i forever run from people subconsciously. So if you like who i am catch me before i run off again... you know..all these blog post are a bit immature too.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Perspective
This post will be about, well.. perspective. To be more exact, Perspectives from internal and external sources, how i see myself and how others view me. I am quite the self-conscious type and I'd have to say it stemmed from my past anal-self that was very critical about my morals. First, internal judgements.
Recently i listened to Atreyu again and for the first time in a long time i felt the emotional connection i used to have with each one of those songs. I remember how sincerely i can say, wow...this is ME. Whether it be a pro or con now is up for discussion doesnt matter but it does explain why i dont have a liking for rock music anymore. I feel like Atreyu lyrics are the father of all rock lyrics. Yes, other genres have different sounds and in result, different meanings, but rock music only covers a raction of a humans emotions. It covers motivation, anger, passion, love, hate, sadnass, depression. Mostly it is love songs gone wrong or masculine pick-me-up's. But like, when Atreyu says the most strongest and influential quote, "When will i be free?"(Atreyu- Dilated) or "Am i living free"(Atreyu-creature), What happens after that? When they speak of "freedom" they refer to the psychological and emotional detachment from your problem. I pasted that point a long time ago. I understand that probably few manage to completely cut themself from their past truamas, i admit i am not. But i consider myself a "free" man. Alex, the lead singer in Atreyu was actually the last domino five years ago when i needed that final push of motivation to follow through with whatever consequences were ahead after i went to sleep that night and screwed with my memories. That was the night i considered myself a free man. Even a artist as talented as Atreyu could not write about what happens after the truama. Thats because its a completely different genre, its a different world. Rock or any genre, does not cover this field because its unique to the person. Why aren't there any songs about trying to love again is what im trying to say.
Well, regardless, Through this i, once again realized how much i progressed. But at the same time, i have no idea where im going. I feel like im paving way noone has ever gone. This idea was obscure to me before and i thought i knew i was entering a new world. But when you look at the majority as the population it frightens me because it makes me feel alone. I see the extreme gap between me and everyone else because i compared my progress to mainstream. I am not saying this in any superior manner, because im lost. But since i already been there once i cant listen to atreyu the next time i fall in love. I cant say i relate when they say "For the first time, im loosing control/ Freedom feels like a noose is gone" Because its not the first time. I relate to this bands lyrics specifically because i feel like even though it is a specific genre, The lyrics all cover the same emotions.. and Atreyu captures all and ties it with a beautiful bow. one of my favorite lines are "I lick my wounds trying to cleanse the infection./ Rabid and diseased,/ Reality fades away./ When I pushed myself too far,/ A dream of emotional perfection/ Has left a wounded heart./ Trying to perceive the gifts inherent inside me,/ It’s like squeezing the trigger,/ It’s like opening fire/ On everyone who’s let me down,/ On every beautiful lie that is (that is only fiction)" I cannot explain how much that used to explain me. But it never again will. Nor will any song. Where are the happy songs?
Call me dependant, but music is my life and ive depended on atreyu and several others to lead me this far.
Well External perspectives. Apparently Peoples first impressions of me are that im gay?! wtf is that shit? dude. im a adrenline junkie, semi douchebag, and have the ego a god. Mind you im Emotion-LESS. Can someone please tell me why they think im gay? Besides the fact that i make homosexual comments its not like they are comments that would make one think..dude hes flaming >.> its obviously gay jokes made by a straight guy. like.. omg becky. even a gay guy doesnt say that. or. DONT MAKE ME SUCK YO DICK. which i find quite amusing at times. but wtf...im just confortable with my sexuality. Fuck you guys. seriously. No i will not change who i am. But i would like to seriously know and would change it if it is something i am just so comfortable doing that i dont notice. The way i stand? The way i talk? My voice not deep enough? dude if im a straight guy and my masculinity is being challenged so im going to be offended. Im acting like a bigger douche bag now. Three guys said they thought i was gay the first time they saw me. So now everytime they make a joke i just just laugh it off like i used to. i fuckin punch them in the kidney. Before i change my personality anymore i would like to know your perspective. Even kevin said he thought i was gay at first when i went partying with him! Is it ignorance? cause some people arent exposed to enough homosexuals and dont understand the difference. Even though they said its not the "your a fag" context and more "your actually a homosexual" i still think they are fuckin ignorant. It pisses me off that they were so straight forward about it because its like..they arent afraid of me. You dont say that to a fellow straight guy! you get socked in the mouth! I need to be a bigger douchebag.
Recently i listened to Atreyu again and for the first time in a long time i felt the emotional connection i used to have with each one of those songs. I remember how sincerely i can say, wow...this is ME. Whether it be a pro or con now is up for discussion doesnt matter but it does explain why i dont have a liking for rock music anymore. I feel like Atreyu lyrics are the father of all rock lyrics. Yes, other genres have different sounds and in result, different meanings, but rock music only covers a raction of a humans emotions. It covers motivation, anger, passion, love, hate, sadnass, depression. Mostly it is love songs gone wrong or masculine pick-me-up's. But like, when Atreyu says the most strongest and influential quote, "When will i be free?"(Atreyu- Dilated) or "Am i living free"(Atreyu-creature), What happens after that? When they speak of "freedom" they refer to the psychological and emotional detachment from your problem. I pasted that point a long time ago. I understand that probably few manage to completely cut themself from their past truamas, i admit i am not. But i consider myself a "free" man. Alex, the lead singer in Atreyu was actually the last domino five years ago when i needed that final push of motivation to follow through with whatever consequences were ahead after i went to sleep that night and screwed with my memories. That was the night i considered myself a free man. Even a artist as talented as Atreyu could not write about what happens after the truama. Thats because its a completely different genre, its a different world. Rock or any genre, does not cover this field because its unique to the person. Why aren't there any songs about trying to love again is what im trying to say.
Well, regardless, Through this i, once again realized how much i progressed. But at the same time, i have no idea where im going. I feel like im paving way noone has ever gone. This idea was obscure to me before and i thought i knew i was entering a new world. But when you look at the majority as the population it frightens me because it makes me feel alone. I see the extreme gap between me and everyone else because i compared my progress to mainstream. I am not saying this in any superior manner, because im lost. But since i already been there once i cant listen to atreyu the next time i fall in love. I cant say i relate when they say "For the first time, im loosing control/ Freedom feels like a noose is gone" Because its not the first time. I relate to this bands lyrics specifically because i feel like even though it is a specific genre, The lyrics all cover the same emotions.. and Atreyu captures all and ties it with a beautiful bow. one of my favorite lines are "I lick my wounds trying to cleanse the infection./ Rabid and diseased,/ Reality fades away./ When I pushed myself too far,/ A dream of emotional perfection/ Has left a wounded heart./ Trying to perceive the gifts inherent inside me,/ It’s like squeezing the trigger,/ It’s like opening fire/ On everyone who’s let me down,/ On every beautiful lie that is (that is only fiction)" I cannot explain how much that used to explain me. But it never again will. Nor will any song. Where are the happy songs?
Call me dependant, but music is my life and ive depended on atreyu and several others to lead me this far.
Well External perspectives. Apparently Peoples first impressions of me are that im gay?! wtf is that shit? dude. im a adrenline junkie, semi douchebag, and have the ego a god. Mind you im Emotion-LESS. Can someone please tell me why they think im gay? Besides the fact that i make homosexual comments its not like they are comments that would make one think..dude hes flaming >.> its obviously gay jokes made by a straight guy. like.. omg becky. even a gay guy doesnt say that. or. DONT MAKE ME SUCK YO DICK. which i find quite amusing at times. but wtf...im just confortable with my sexuality. Fuck you guys. seriously. No i will not change who i am. But i would like to seriously know and would change it if it is something i am just so comfortable doing that i dont notice. The way i stand? The way i talk? My voice not deep enough? dude if im a straight guy and my masculinity is being challenged so im going to be offended. Im acting like a bigger douche bag now. Three guys said they thought i was gay the first time they saw me. So now everytime they make a joke i just just laugh it off like i used to. i fuckin punch them in the kidney. Before i change my personality anymore i would like to know your perspective. Even kevin said he thought i was gay at first when i went partying with him! Is it ignorance? cause some people arent exposed to enough homosexuals and dont understand the difference. Even though they said its not the "your a fag" context and more "your actually a homosexual" i still think they are fuckin ignorant. It pisses me off that they were so straight forward about it because its like..they arent afraid of me. You dont say that to a fellow straight guy! you get socked in the mouth! I need to be a bigger douchebag.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yeah, I still got it :)
So, ive completely let go of any lead i had on meditation so... "fuck", yeah i know. but its okay winter is here! Manipulating body heat is the first thing and easiest to learn. When you learn to believe more and more that the degrees outside is all in your mind, it feels great just enjoying a cool breeze. So yeah, i still got it. I thought i would freeze to death this winter but im glad i still got it. Today everyone is freezing and trust me i know how cold it is. I just prefer not to feel it haha.
This blog post has alot to do with meditation actually, i meant to write this post a long time ago but, well, there isnt a proper excuse i can come up with. Like i said Dreams play a big role in my long life-learning experience and this is a prime example of this. These dreams have stopped due to present happy thoughts, but for roughly three nights i had dreams about pain. Torture to be exact. I was having dreams that someone was interrogating me for information about myself. One side of me was fine because he did not fear or feel like surgeon knife, stapler or my nails being pulled out. I guess it was something to remind me that i used to be able to meditate, something i actually forgot about for a period of time. The past always comes back to haunt me i guess but thats in the past. I wish it was a better description but it was something that happened about a week ago.
Matter of fact im sitting outside right now. lol everyone that passes by me thinks im crazy cause im on a table outside in this cold weather, i think its a bit nuts myself. Im actually smoking alot so that i dont look completely strange outside typing intentively on my computer lol
My life aside from meditation slapped back into my life? well my romantic life is a bit confusing. I realized that im confused. for the first time i actually like someone. i actually hate this emotion because it drags me down but it feels good to feel it again :]. The confusion comes in because do i actually want to risk the relationship i have with this girl for a relationship? am i ready for one? Are these emotions temporary and only due to the vulnerability i have around her? I want to be sure that i am deeply infatuated before i get caught up in another relationship with the opposite sex, thats all. Due to Emily and all the many other girls that came and went and left holes in my social life i dont want it to happen again.
On another note, i recently went to Umass Amherst and it was great! Thank you Lauren! haha I had such a blast even though i was there for only 12 hours. It was the first time i was able to just hang with people that are cool and nonjudgmental. Getting pretty drunk throughout the night was just a bonus :] At first i was a bit quiet and conscious, because truth is im not very good with large groups of people. After several drinks that problem was solved though and i was more laid back and just myself. Thank god i wasnt hyper. Im really thinking about kicking that side of my out. Its so immature.
There is alot ahead and im looking forward to it academicly and oh of course! pool! how can i forget about pool. Even though im doing worse slightly its because i actually improved ALOT haha i fixed my stroke from scratch and im not quite used to it. lol its too awesome for me but on my good days i make beautiful shots and clear tables like nothing. I can see alot more now. I play very rarely now compared to last year so i have no chance to sharpen my skill but im excited. Im planning to buy a new pool cue in the near future :), after several weeks about a month after i make enough for expenses and i buy contacts, the pool cue will be next :]
Well i reached my limit haha i remember when i was able to maintain myself in much colder weather and for hours at a time but its a start. Im back inside and the cold is melting off of me. Heat and cold arent very different, both of them burn so you just need to convince yourself of the lather.
Work is great i think the coworkers like me. There seems to be alot of back-talking but i get my job done and im pretty good at it so if anything they cant judge me on my performance. I make sure that i dont get too personal with them as well, they seem to be okay about hanging out outside of work but ehh, its risky because then the different outlooks come in.
Music would definitely be The Killers. they are such a talented band Im so hooked on Sam's Town, This River is Wild, and Daddy's eye. all three of them have such pleasant lyrics :] Thyre those songs where i listen to them and only here the lines that relate to the thoughts at that moment, its like im in sync with the songs. For example, when i was taking about my ramance life, i heard " But theres something pulling me. The circus and their crew, well they're just passing through, just making sure that merry still goes around. But it's a long, long, long way down." It really allows me to pick apart the songs for several perspectives, even if my reference is completely out of context. Thats a fairly poor example because it doesnt relate 100% but you get what im trying to say. haha. Well, im going to stop dragging this post on. Life is great right now, stable and productive.
btw this year i was monopoly man! it was a half fail but Umass people are so cool its w/e theyre like "hey you dont need a excuse to wear a suit." haha people there are sooo chill i really wish i went there. well Work in about 7 hours haha time to get some hw done!
I've got this energy beneath my feet
like something underground's gonna come up and carry me,
I've got this sentimental heart that beats
but I don't really mind that it's starting to get to me
This blog post has alot to do with meditation actually, i meant to write this post a long time ago but, well, there isnt a proper excuse i can come up with. Like i said Dreams play a big role in my long life-learning experience and this is a prime example of this. These dreams have stopped due to present happy thoughts, but for roughly three nights i had dreams about pain. Torture to be exact. I was having dreams that someone was interrogating me for information about myself. One side of me was fine because he did not fear or feel like surgeon knife, stapler or my nails being pulled out. I guess it was something to remind me that i used to be able to meditate, something i actually forgot about for a period of time. The past always comes back to haunt me i guess but thats in the past. I wish it was a better description but it was something that happened about a week ago.
Matter of fact im sitting outside right now. lol everyone that passes by me thinks im crazy cause im on a table outside in this cold weather, i think its a bit nuts myself. Im actually smoking alot so that i dont look completely strange outside typing intentively on my computer lol
My life aside from meditation slapped back into my life? well my romantic life is a bit confusing. I realized that im confused. for the first time i actually like someone. i actually hate this emotion because it drags me down but it feels good to feel it again :]. The confusion comes in because do i actually want to risk the relationship i have with this girl for a relationship? am i ready for one? Are these emotions temporary and only due to the vulnerability i have around her? I want to be sure that i am deeply infatuated before i get caught up in another relationship with the opposite sex, thats all. Due to Emily and all the many other girls that came and went and left holes in my social life i dont want it to happen again.
On another note, i recently went to Umass Amherst and it was great! Thank you Lauren! haha I had such a blast even though i was there for only 12 hours. It was the first time i was able to just hang with people that are cool and nonjudgmental. Getting pretty drunk throughout the night was just a bonus :] At first i was a bit quiet and conscious, because truth is im not very good with large groups of people. After several drinks that problem was solved though and i was more laid back and just myself. Thank god i wasnt hyper. Im really thinking about kicking that side of my out. Its so immature.
There is alot ahead and im looking forward to it academicly and oh of course! pool! how can i forget about pool. Even though im doing worse slightly its because i actually improved ALOT haha i fixed my stroke from scratch and im not quite used to it. lol its too awesome for me but on my good days i make beautiful shots and clear tables like nothing. I can see alot more now. I play very rarely now compared to last year so i have no chance to sharpen my skill but im excited. Im planning to buy a new pool cue in the near future :), after several weeks about a month after i make enough for expenses and i buy contacts, the pool cue will be next :]
Well i reached my limit haha i remember when i was able to maintain myself in much colder weather and for hours at a time but its a start. Im back inside and the cold is melting off of me. Heat and cold arent very different, both of them burn so you just need to convince yourself of the lather.
Work is great i think the coworkers like me. There seems to be alot of back-talking but i get my job done and im pretty good at it so if anything they cant judge me on my performance. I make sure that i dont get too personal with them as well, they seem to be okay about hanging out outside of work but ehh, its risky because then the different outlooks come in.
Music would definitely be The Killers. they are such a talented band Im so hooked on Sam's Town, This River is Wild, and Daddy's eye. all three of them have such pleasant lyrics :] Thyre those songs where i listen to them and only here the lines that relate to the thoughts at that moment, its like im in sync with the songs. For example, when i was taking about my ramance life, i heard " But theres something pulling me. The circus and their crew, well they're just passing through, just making sure that merry still goes around. But it's a long, long, long way down." It really allows me to pick apart the songs for several perspectives, even if my reference is completely out of context. Thats a fairly poor example because it doesnt relate 100% but you get what im trying to say. haha. Well, im going to stop dragging this post on. Life is great right now, stable and productive.
btw this year i was monopoly man! it was a half fail but Umass people are so cool its w/e theyre like "hey you dont need a excuse to wear a suit." haha people there are sooo chill i really wish i went there. well Work in about 7 hours haha time to get some hw done!
I've got this energy beneath my feet
like something underground's gonna come up and carry me,
I've got this sentimental heart that beats
but I don't really mind that it's starting to get to me
Monday, October 4, 2010
I have a Dream
Lately, i've been lacking alot of sleep. and lately..ive been dreaming alot because everytime i do sleep it is taken advantage of. Dreams have impacted me my entire life. They helped me remember past events, learn life lessons, and just like this instance...i grasp a understanding of whats going on in my life right now.
Ever since Emily left my life for good ive really got time to think..What do i want to do with my life, where am i going with my life and how i want to go at it..I want to thank her, because her leave was not in vain it honestly taught me alot and she slapped some emotions back into me that are awakening very suddenly and catching me by surprise but i like it :]. (this will one way or another relate back to my dreaming)
The thing about summer in Boston is that it comes so unexpectedly
-- creeping by the never ending winter.
It radiates heat with the beating sun,
Giving our skin and hair a soft golden glow.
But just when you start to get used to the warmth,
Summer fades away into fall.
You are my summer.
Heart racing, shape shifting, pulsating madness
Indecisive, nervous, smoke obsessive stupidness
You are everything I can't stand
And yet, you are everything I want.
How does one fall for someone so disagreeable to her tastes?
Can it be fate that has joined the two ever so elegantly?
The hopeful soul and the broken man.
Are you sent to me to be saved?
Thinking back, we were near mirror images of each other
We see what most people are too blind to see:
The pain in laughter, lies in truths
Colors in a black and white painting.
It is the mental bond between us that intertwined,
Like the roots underground of two forsaken trees.
Who could've foreseen the darkness within your past?
The shadows of yesterdays that still linger behind your every step,
Hindering you from moving on for a better tomorrow.
I was thrown into an utter confusion:
Should I stay to help you get past this obstruction,
Or face the reality that you probably won't and give up?
In the end, it is my desire to be the one to save you that lead to my downfall.
I gave it my all and set myself up for hurt and pain.
So summer ended the way we did
Like a shooting star across the sky
-- fleeting and short-lived.
Yet I want to remember it.
I want to remember everything,
From how it began to how it ended.
I want to remember your nervous glances behind your confident strides
And the way your laughter resonated with mine.
I want to remember the passion in your voice when you speak of life and death
And the way your face expressions speak your mind.
Most of all,
I want to remember the moment we let our walls down
And we became vulnerable to each other in every way possible.
"Why?" May you ask?
Because that is the moment I can look back to and reassure myself that what we had was real.
This was written by Emily and it made my fuckin jaw drop. Its beautiful. thanks to this note and my dreams. I have remembered many emotions that are now staying. I mean before i know i said first time in forever i felt blah blah blah! i must have said that 100 times. This time they are actually compiling. I fear death again. I feel fear again. I fear lonliness, i feel lonilness. I feel offended,hurt, on the brink of tears, pain, happiness, depression, lustful, spiteful, and more. Idk it still scares me how much i change because i remember for a FACT before i did not care if my family died and i can give two shits if i walked this earth alone. My father was deathly ill once and i just watched him as he suffered..i wasnt emo i was emotionless and i strictly recall asking myself why i didnt care. now im terrified to think that one day i will be present at a funeral. That i wont be able to save them because i too have become scared of death. Sigh* im glad that im moving forward though. im still really confused..im attracted to love songs now like trey songz-already taken and bruno mars and taylor swift..like i actually LISTEN to it. I dont even plug my headphones into my phone anymore. rock is not welcoming to my ears anymore. This change is actually really strange...
Alot is changing..and actually i just remembered that for the past 3 days ive had dreams of me so utterly sad that i would fall on my knees and cry...and feel as if my tears were not flowing fast enough for my sadness. I would forget it immediately after i wake up but now that i remember, i can tell i had these dreams so often because i was trying to remember.
There was another dream..i remember it was my second dream out of the collection which started several weeks ago. It came straight out of the movie called Inception. I was having a dream inside a dream and i felt like i was never waking up no matter how many times i woke up. In other to drop down layers you had to have to die. and the most "offcial" way to do it was to have your partner shoot you in the head. The catch is the moment you have the slightest bit of doubt or fear, you will not be able to bump to the bottom level. instead the death/pain inflicted is real and you suffer to death in that layer. Thats why your partner is usually someone you love and trust your whole life. Regardless of circumstance, you will be 100% ready to take a bullet for/from that person. The first several missions were fine but i cried for the first time in that dream cause my partner died and i was being chased throughout the dream. by the time i ran through 2-3 different dreams i lost my gun as well and had to result in killing myself to escape the most tight situations using the most ridiculous things without any fear doubt or hesitation. That dream was reverse psychology cause i woke up with the sudden appreciation of life. because by the time i woke up i was killing myself at least 7 times with knifes, cliffs, glass, walls, everything and i was crying everytime. No longer out of fear but depression cause my life was going to be so broken after i wake up. Then i realized when i woke up my life has been without fear and pain and hesitation..and made me say.hum. mind you, every dream in this SERIES i speak of has me controlling the dream. so i felt everything in that dream.
Anywho, my dreams have been very interesting. and i will end with. I have a dream...that I will find what im looking for. Whether that be mastered meditation and a closed life, love , happiness, or a quick and painless death. Ive had a dream about it all already. Which do i want to make reality?
Ever since Emily left my life for good ive really got time to think..What do i want to do with my life, where am i going with my life and how i want to go at it..I want to thank her, because her leave was not in vain it honestly taught me alot and she slapped some emotions back into me that are awakening very suddenly and catching me by surprise but i like it :]. (this will one way or another relate back to my dreaming)
The thing about summer in Boston is that it comes so unexpectedly
-- creeping by the never ending winter.
It radiates heat with the beating sun,
Giving our skin and hair a soft golden glow.
But just when you start to get used to the warmth,
Summer fades away into fall.
You are my summer.
Heart racing, shape shifting, pulsating madness
Indecisive, nervous, smoke obsessive stupidness
You are everything I can't stand
And yet, you are everything I want.
How does one fall for someone so disagreeable to her tastes?
Can it be fate that has joined the two ever so elegantly?
The hopeful soul and the broken man.
Are you sent to me to be saved?
Thinking back, we were near mirror images of each other
We see what most people are too blind to see:
The pain in laughter, lies in truths
Colors in a black and white painting.
It is the mental bond between us that intertwined,
Like the roots underground of two forsaken trees.
Who could've foreseen the darkness within your past?
The shadows of yesterdays that still linger behind your every step,
Hindering you from moving on for a better tomorrow.
I was thrown into an utter confusion:
Should I stay to help you get past this obstruction,
Or face the reality that you probably won't and give up?
In the end, it is my desire to be the one to save you that lead to my downfall.
I gave it my all and set myself up for hurt and pain.
So summer ended the way we did
Like a shooting star across the sky
-- fleeting and short-lived.
Yet I want to remember it.
I want to remember everything,
From how it began to how it ended.
I want to remember your nervous glances behind your confident strides
And the way your laughter resonated with mine.
I want to remember the passion in your voice when you speak of life and death
And the way your face expressions speak your mind.
Most of all,
I want to remember the moment we let our walls down
And we became vulnerable to each other in every way possible.
"Why?" May you ask?
Because that is the moment I can look back to and reassure myself that what we had was real.
This was written by Emily and it made my fuckin jaw drop. Its beautiful. thanks to this note and my dreams. I have remembered many emotions that are now staying. I mean before i know i said first time in forever i felt blah blah blah! i must have said that 100 times. This time they are actually compiling. I fear death again. I feel fear again. I fear lonliness, i feel lonilness. I feel offended,hurt, on the brink of tears, pain, happiness, depression, lustful, spiteful, and more. Idk it still scares me how much i change because i remember for a FACT before i did not care if my family died and i can give two shits if i walked this earth alone. My father was deathly ill once and i just watched him as he suffered..i wasnt emo i was emotionless and i strictly recall asking myself why i didnt care. now im terrified to think that one day i will be present at a funeral. That i wont be able to save them because i too have become scared of death. Sigh* im glad that im moving forward though. im still really confused..im attracted to love songs now like trey songz-already taken and bruno mars and taylor swift..like i actually LISTEN to it. I dont even plug my headphones into my phone anymore. rock is not welcoming to my ears anymore. This change is actually really strange...
Alot is changing..and actually i just remembered that for the past 3 days ive had dreams of me so utterly sad that i would fall on my knees and cry...and feel as if my tears were not flowing fast enough for my sadness. I would forget it immediately after i wake up but now that i remember, i can tell i had these dreams so often because i was trying to remember.
There was another dream..i remember it was my second dream out of the collection which started several weeks ago. It came straight out of the movie called Inception. I was having a dream inside a dream and i felt like i was never waking up no matter how many times i woke up. In other to drop down layers you had to have to die. and the most "offcial" way to do it was to have your partner shoot you in the head. The catch is the moment you have the slightest bit of doubt or fear, you will not be able to bump to the bottom level. instead the death/pain inflicted is real and you suffer to death in that layer. Thats why your partner is usually someone you love and trust your whole life. Regardless of circumstance, you will be 100% ready to take a bullet for/from that person. The first several missions were fine but i cried for the first time in that dream cause my partner died and i was being chased throughout the dream. by the time i ran through 2-3 different dreams i lost my gun as well and had to result in killing myself to escape the most tight situations using the most ridiculous things without any fear doubt or hesitation. That dream was reverse psychology cause i woke up with the sudden appreciation of life. because by the time i woke up i was killing myself at least 7 times with knifes, cliffs, glass, walls, everything and i was crying everytime. No longer out of fear but depression cause my life was going to be so broken after i wake up. Then i realized when i woke up my life has been without fear and pain and hesitation..and made me say.hum. mind you, every dream in this SERIES i speak of has me controlling the dream. so i felt everything in that dream.
Anywho, my dreams have been very interesting. and i will end with. I have a dream...that I will find what im looking for. Whether that be mastered meditation and a closed life, love , happiness, or a quick and painless death. Ive had a dream about it all already. Which do i want to make reality?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Best of two worlds
Today was indeed a good day. I actually hate my hyper side. It annoys me that i cant be comfortable around large groups of people without being just loling and talking to everyonee. I like being social. I still do. But everytime you see me hyper id prefer not to be. I like to be laid back to have a conversation to only the people having a conversation with me. I would introduce myself and be like hey you know. but i kick myself when i clearly am acting like a fuckin spaz. This is the deep truth. But its the side of me that naturally follows my "i dont give a fuck about anyones thoughts, im awesome" idea. Today im happy with myself just cause i met alot of people and was able to talk about just the same amount of random stuff but while being laid back and just..mature. I like being more mature. The mood i have right now i want to make it my real personality. I have the perfect blend of myself time while talking with someone and its easy to go into meditation in this mood. Also, im not thinking about much besides what i want. its just veryy chill. Uhh i have alot of past events to talk about but lets not get into them. its in the past and i try to keep away from that now when writing in my blog XD Yeah..i work at A&F now! yay me my first earned job. like i had to fill out a application and do good in the interview and i did it. Unfortunately i havent recieved many hours yet but hopefully ill will the manager's favor and ill be a consistent employee. Whats on my mind? nothing. It feels good :]. When i smoked it felt like nothing existed except the soft crackling of the cig when i inhaled and the slow moving cloud in front of me as i slowly exhale. Im in my own world and not. This is the balance ive been looking for. I hope my mood doesnt break when i get home. It always does.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
FLY!
Damn it feels good to start a new blog, this may help to remove myself from the world once i begin meditation. I want to blog on R0SE5 just until it reaches 50 post, and ill switch over to here :]. btw i think my customized layout is freakishly awesome, i hope you agree! It took forever to fix cause the code because it deleted the navbar and i use the navbar the most because its the easiest way to post and sign in and access my dashboard! It took alot of research to realize wtf was different in the code >.> and half of the time was contributed to finding out that the little bar on the top is called a navbar. haha
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