Last Note

This is a very powerful post for me. I dont remember how i came up with this thought but the minute i did i knew it to be true. I have to feel miserable to be happy. Oh i remember! i was watching Hitch lol. and will smith said the line that goes something like "I feel utterly miserable right now and if thats what it takes to be happy then fine". What i've been so traumatized of for so long is the exact same thing im looking for. i knew this but at the same time i didnt know what i was looking for. I'm not looking for love, the image of that in my head has flashed through my memories plenty of times which is how i learned how to be affectionate again, but that doesnt solve the problem of why i cant like anyone yet. The thought of love in my head is so innocent. Its the part people see in the movies. thats the only part i have allowed myself to remember even though i know deep down it isnt, which is why i remain traumatized but can be attracted to someone at the same time.

What im looking for is misery, which go hand in hand with love, bringing more litterally meaning to the phrase "I love you to death" lol. funny how much i numb myself and how long it took me to notice something so trival. Old thomas did a good job zigzaging around so that he could hide just enough from me before i lost my memories. But he was rushed..which is why i've always felt the need to look into it because i knew my feelings were poorly hidden.

This is the final note. I will not look for love nor will i learn to meditate. Ive actually never been closer to both of them which is ironic. Life is taking its course and i think the month of Demember would serve very nicely in my book of chapters.

Its almost impossible for me to fall in love again because when done right love is the biggest bandaid to your largest wound. the problem is, in the past i felt nothing but the misery for years. I feel it now and i remember the gnawing feeling clearly. That gnawing feeling in your gut is not of insanity, it was the cause of my insanity, rather it is the feeling of a piece missing from myself. Its a gnawing feeling because they are things that can never be replaced and i accept this. Even though the gnawing feeling will subside i know there are pieces lost. I gave too many pieces away now because of my self sacrifice to make everyone else happy over the years. The good news is that now that i know what misery is and already 1 foot deep in it, i will soon know what happiness is.

Love. Everytime you miss that special person every minute of the day so seeing him/her is that gratifying that it never gets old. Misery and happiness go hand in hand. Which is why i loved fullmetal alchemist because you cannot get something unless you give something of equal value in return. that is the true law to life.

I decided im not going to meditate again, it disrupts the flow of nature when you know too much. If anything, i will teach myself how to continue tackling this truama head on. In order to do this i'll have to accept my past and try to remember as much as possible and just..withstand the burden. Before i said im over it but i got over it by erasing it or only facing that large parts. Everything is beautiful and im glad im closer to accepting everything ive gone through even though i dont remember half of it.

Im watching this show called elfen lied..i watched it like 100 times its a touching show that kinda gets me mad cause the guy forgave the girl for killing his family..i mean she couldnt control her bloodthirst when she was young but still. Anywho, he went through a traumatizing situation and when someone poked at his past he would try to talk about it but then loose control and say...what was i trying to say again? lol i know its only a anime but as you can tell, dramatic moments such as these can only be reenacted in films and they help jog my memory. I used to be in the same position. How i made it out without any professional help trumps me even now. but i laugh. :] cause i like to see balance in my life. I like it.

Sometimes i just need to watch the right thing at the right time for it to help me..thats why i grew to be an obsessive person. I listen to the same song 5000 times and can watch the same movie 500 times..like fullmetal alchemist and 500 days of summer. Those pop up on the top of my head along with numerous other films and animes.

Call me dependant but hey tought times you know? and i did this all myself :] without family or friends besides several outlets. I must thoroughly thank all of you that have helped me through my life: Laurie Tsui, Gabriel Tirado, Linda Tran, Lauren Li, Robin Cheng, Bong Nguyen, Colin Macdonald, Selin Unluonen, and a few others that ive told but just put it aside. You've selflessly listen to my crazy life and without you i dont know where id be. The pieces i spoke of lie within each one of your memories because they are each a part of one thomas, That quite frankly, ive forgetten most of.

Eh its taking me a long time to write such a short choppy post. but my choppy post happen only when i try my hardest to put as many thoughts into a post as possible. Those are the post you know are most emotional.

I make it sound like its all over but shit is just begining im not even twenty yet. I still dont know how to FEEL another, im so used to using the strict morals which subsituted the lacking emotions. It works quite nicely but id like to feel again. instead of looking at a situation and understanding how one feels due to the chain of events and respond appropriately.

Ehh i feel like im REALLY close to meditation apparently all my practice has not been in vain cause i can tap into it when im high. lol My friend just established that he felt a very strong electrical field around me when i was high. Ladies and gents, that is no type of trip you should get for weed. lol. I have immense amounts of energy stored up that i cannot access. Without meditation i will not be thomas. but there will be a balance. but i will not practice it anymore because in time, just like this epihphany...itll come to me. Might be decades. lol

Relationships ehh..im looking forward to trying out a serious one i need to learn to like them though lol. the only way i can do that is feel happiness so i guess i just been looking in the wrong places..well, id must admit i really did like Claudia for god knows what reason. Her smile is original and refreshing. She kinda helped me when i thoguht about writing a blogpost about this epiphany of mine cause for once i really did hurt inside in a real situation. It wasnt like that time with sara when i was hurt cause shes a party girl. lol

My thoughts on death now...Furute me may be pretty interested because ever since now no matter when... deep down i wanted to die. well.. I dont feel any different! :D haha congrat thomas you learned how to hold your own shit? not that big of a difference on a large scale. Besides my wanting to die only thrives off of all the tosses and turns ive had to go through just to be...sane. haha fuck communicating with people, doing good in school, getting a job im talking about like..age 1-5 in your life which is just putting your feet on earth. Its been a fuckin task.

Speaking of which me and my sisters have actually decided that im actually very relationship-mature for my age. due to my openmindedness, humor, and understanding of..pretty much social construct and how people work. Im on par with my sister which is at the age of 27...i guess im ready to get married soon well im at least age 23-24 material. haha. Unfortuately for me, im going to have to wait until like...4 more years until these bitches and hoes catch up. Then i can maybee have heart to heart conversations that wont be in vain cause the other is wise enough to know what love actually is. lol but of course due to my current age, im still a sophmore and dont have the resources 23-24 year olds have so regardless my bragging is invaild and unprovable until 23-24 when everyone else should be of equal maturity. lol Hey there are some REALLY fucked up relationships even in my generation couples consider love. and they feel it and shit..dude its a whole different ballgame when you reach your twenties. people are so naive.

But Pretty much my whole life will fall in place now that ive welcomed drama back into my life. lol That was a good strong statement. I was going to title this True beauty. but dude..comeone thats weak i dont want this to be my life goal breaker. thats lame. it might just be. but im going to say nahh it cant be. So like a song i put on loop, this post is the last note to one of those songs. Its that feeling of damnit now i have to change songs and press play again with loop on, just to listen to similar shit thats quite satisfying but hey at least that song is done..im making progress. Is that metaphor too far-fetched?