Training

Hehe funny how i just finished watching dragon ball Kai and for some reason i can relate to them in a peculiar way. I forever want to better myself mentally but at the same time im very satisfied with that i have. When you throw that into an extreme you birth a very productive state-of-mind. This is the unhealthy state i put myself in when i was younger, Thus lacking the need for motivation and instead i believed that the two clashing thoughts, maxed out on willpower will do the job instead. I will not make that mistake twice. At this rate i still cant live life normally.

I naturally question things too much. I want to meditate but i cant because i dont want to be emotionless. Usually when im in this state of mind i find something i could not otherwise find because this is such a peculiar outlook on life. I feel like im back at home haha. This is the state of mind many people saw me in and why they thought i was so carefree. Once i got serious though i can get dead serious due to the other side, pumped with an itch to learn.

today was a good and bad day. i went on my first date in a long time. I directly connect the thoughts of nervousness and unknowing what to do or how to act to a date..pretty much i do poorly at it and hope for the best. haha With claudia. I watched Love and other drugs with her and there were MANY times where i felt like making a move, directly connected to the emotional tossing of the movie (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED COUPLES MOVIE) Its Never a good idea to go to the movies to get to know someone, completely contradictory. but i never did end up making a move, i felt that id sent the wrong vibe because the movie was just so moving, if i reacted to with with her in mind that would imply something 3 steps ahead in relationship and i dont want to risk messing it up with her. Though, i always feel like you HAVE to make a move on the first date for the girl to realize they are being targeted and for them to contemplate whether or not she should respond. I took a different approach and just..enjoyed the movie. Interesting how she knew there was going to be alot of sex scenes and stuff and yet she was the one that recommended it.

Anywho it was a bad day cause i felt so sluggish at work. i felt unproductive and for me that is the worst feeling.

Alot of thoughts ran thorugh my head today but they were forgotten again.

humm what else? pool ive been at the same level, i can say im in the higher tier of my performance constantly but thats because i rarely play.

Long board coming in sooon! im so stoked.

For the first time i tried telling people i knew werent privileged to know about my past meditation/ obsession (kevin and nate) about it. They mock me up to this day but unlike bragging where you feel completely ridiculous after, i feel very proud of myself and i see how Ignorant they are, because i know whats real and theyre laughing at it. If it wasn't true that would be something else. but ehh.

Im trying to find things to say because i had so many thoughts ready for this blog. *shrugs*