I have a Dream

Lately, i've been lacking alot of sleep. and lately..ive been dreaming alot because everytime i do sleep it is taken advantage of. Dreams have impacted me my entire life. They helped me remember past events, learn life lessons, and just like this instance...i grasp a understanding of whats going on in my life right now.

Ever since Emily left my life for good ive really got time to think..What do i want to do with my life, where am i going with my life and how i want to go at it..I want to thank her, because her leave was not in vain it honestly taught me alot and she slapped some emotions back into me that are awakening very suddenly and catching me by surprise but i like it :]. (this will one way or another relate back to my dreaming)



The thing about summer in Boston is that it comes so unexpectedly
-- creeping by the never ending winter.
It radiates heat with the beating sun,
Giving our skin and hair a soft golden glow.
But just when you start to get used to the warmth,
Summer fades away into fall.
You are my summer.

Heart racing, shape shifting, pulsating madness
Indecisive, nervous, smoke obsessive stupidness
You are everything I can't stand
And yet, you are everything I want.

How does one fall for someone so disagreeable to her tastes?
Can it be fate that has joined the two ever so elegantly?
The hopeful soul and the broken man.
Are you sent to me to be saved?

Thinking back, we were near mirror images of each other
We see what most people are too blind to see:
The pain in laughter, lies in truths
Colors in a black and white painting.
It is the mental bond between us that intertwined,
Like the roots underground of two forsaken trees.
Who could've foreseen the darkness within your past?
The shadows of yesterdays that still linger behind your every step,
Hindering you from moving on for a better tomorrow.

I was thrown into an utter confusion:
Should I stay to help you get past this obstruction,
Or face the reality that you probably won't and give up?
In the end, it is my desire to be the one to save you that lead to my downfall.
I gave it my all and set myself up for hurt and pain.
So summer ended the way we did
Like a shooting star across the sky
-- fleeting and short-lived.

Yet I want to remember it.
I want to remember everything,
From how it began to how it ended.
I want to remember your nervous glances behind your confident strides
And the way your laughter resonated with mine.
I want to remember the passion in your voice when you speak of life and death
And the way your face expressions speak your mind.

Most of all,
I want to remember the moment we let our walls down
And we became vulnerable to each other in every way possible.
"Why?" May you ask?
Because that is the moment I can look back to and reassure myself that what we had was real.


This was written by Emily and it made my fuckin jaw drop. Its beautiful. thanks to this note and my dreams. I have remembered many emotions that are now staying. I mean before i know i said first time in forever i felt blah blah blah! i must have said that 100 times. This time they are actually compiling. I fear death again. I feel fear again. I fear lonliness, i feel lonilness. I feel offended,hurt, on the brink of tears, pain, happiness, depression, lustful, spiteful, and more. Idk it still scares me how much i change because i remember for a FACT before i did not care if my family died and i can give two shits if i walked this earth alone. My father was deathly ill once and i just watched him as he suffered..i wasnt emo i was emotionless and i strictly recall asking myself why i didnt care. now im terrified to think that one day i will be present at a funeral. That i wont be able to save them because i too have become scared of death. Sigh* im glad that im moving forward though. im still really confused..im attracted to love songs now like trey songz-already taken and bruno mars and taylor swift..like i actually LISTEN to it. I dont even plug my headphones into my phone anymore. rock is not welcoming to my ears anymore. This change is actually really strange...

Alot is changing..and actually i just remembered that for the past 3 days ive had dreams of me so utterly sad that i would fall on my knees and cry...and feel as if my tears were not flowing fast enough for my sadness. I would forget it immediately after i wake up but now that i remember, i can tell i had these dreams so often because i was trying to remember.

There was another dream..i remember it was my second dream out of the collection which started several weeks ago. It came straight out of the movie called Inception. I was having a dream inside a dream and i felt like i was never waking up no matter how many times i woke up. In other to drop down layers you had to have to die. and the most "offcial" way to do it was to have your partner shoot you in the head. The catch is the moment you have the slightest bit of doubt or fear, you will not be able to bump to the bottom level. instead the death/pain inflicted is real and you suffer to death in that layer. Thats why your partner is usually someone you love and trust your whole life. Regardless of circumstance, you will be 100% ready to take a bullet for/from that person. The first several missions were fine but i cried for the first time in that dream cause my partner died and i was being chased throughout the dream. by the time i ran through 2-3 different dreams i lost my gun as well and had to result in killing myself to escape the most tight situations using the most ridiculous things without any fear doubt or hesitation. That dream was reverse psychology cause i woke up with the sudden appreciation of life. because by the time i woke up i was killing myself at least 7 times with knifes, cliffs, glass, walls, everything and i was crying everytime. No longer out of fear but depression cause my life was going to be so broken after i wake up. Then i realized when i woke up my life has been without fear and pain and hesitation..and made me say.hum. mind you, every dream in this SERIES i speak of has me controlling the dream. so i felt everything in that dream.

Anywho, my dreams have been very interesting. and i will end with. I have a dream...that I will find what im looking for. Whether that be mastered meditation and a closed life, love , happiness, or a quick and painless death. Ive had a dream about it all already. Which do i want to make reality?