These days have been just like me. Spontaneous, heart wrenching, drunken madness. Ive been working alot and when im not working im practicing pool like no other. Ive worsened in pool because ive been playing so much. I study my pool like i work out in the gym now. Even if im tired and bored as shit and im failing at everything i do at least 2 more rounds. I havent been to the gym in at least a month and im loosing my weight. Its unfortunate, but ill gain it all back again.
Im in that constant mindset now that nothing can faze me. What is this feeling? its the feeling ive been waiting 7 years for. Its the feeling old and new and whichever piece of thomas in me has only dreamt about. I see something coming that will bring a closure to the split for good. when that era comes it will be gradual so i cannot celebrate but its moments like these, right here at the threshold of a new beginning where i can look back and start seeing things change, for better or worse. My concept of reality is changing dramatically and its thanks to me being a douchebag, me having a motivational head start, me becoming even more openminded and willing to accept criticism. Having a stable job, reading, hanging out, and meeting LGB have definitely helped to keep me occupied. The way all these differences influenced each other and my actions as a whole has made more progress than ever before. I no longer feel as if im carving a new path because im on top.
Dont get me wrong, days have been stressful. I still feel like im not up to par. As long as im not in classes, i dont have a co-op/internship, and i still work in CVS ill be below par in my standards. Ive been really fighting that stress lately because i hate working at CVS. The coworkers are chill and ive gotten a hang of things. I have to tone down on my flirtatious nature just because none of my coworkers are attractive anymore but that is no complaint, just a difference ive noticed between jobs.
I went to the bars for the first time last friday and i was so trashed it was ridiculous, apparently i was on the toilet speechless for 3 hours haha and someone had to carry me to bed. But it was great, i hung out with vitalis, big thomas, chris, larry, doug, sasha, samantha, and mckinzy. Funny side story is that sash is a girl i knew since freshman year and it was her birthday celebration friday. In freshman year i went to the library trashed to study for a final and i woke up when sasha was at the table saying "Omg, i have the biggest bags now because i havent slept for the longest time!" and i pointed laughed and said "haha, panda!" then passed back out. Everyone at the table knew i was the drunk asian guy studying and they apparently found that hysterical. ahah (i ended up getting a 90 on that test) lol. So now i call her panda XP anyways, Like usual my swag was on blast and i was talking up both of sash's friends cause they were both fairly attractive females. Fuckin rahman, he has this habit of taking pictures of me whenever im talking to girls at social events because most of the time i hook up with them lol. But this time, i didnt because i had LGB in my mind, i just like to flirt when im drunk.
He ended up posting that picture on facebook, sending me into a nervous wreck since LGB girl was texting me with one line phrases the entire next day and there were periods of three hours where she wouldnt respond. It got me really scared so confronted her about it directly in a text and she didnt even comment on it and continued with the conversation with a one worded phrase, very slowly. Then today i texted her in the afternoon and she didnt text me until 8pm. I was honestly like..f that shit im done but we started talking again and slowly but surely im understanding her unspoken language. Were actually getting serious now so its great. I found out she does meditate! haha and she smokes too! ahha. and shes super spontaneous like me :] i was so scared that i fucked it up these past two days that i went into a very wtf mood toward my friend for posting that picture to a apathetic mood then i finished with a accepting mood. I realized i can distance myself so easily since i have so little heart left to give. We patched it up tonight because she texted me at 8 then texted until sleep. Its just i feel as if im not afraid to lose anyone anymore but those that stay, are worth holding onto.
My problem now is moving past this surfacey relationship. I cant make any further moves until we freakin hang out again cause i dont want to take any next steps whatsoever unless we actually hang out more...Donvu invited me to Amherst but ehh...id miss parties i promised people id go to.
Which reminds me. Dan dinh, Welcome to Truth of kings! im glad you created a blog and i hope you find that its a great outlet. Me and dan were friends since freshman year and together we used to pick up so many girls. We lost contact for a while but now after crashing at his place for two nights im glad to welcome him back into my life as a bro and he already knows everyone in bfbg so its great.
I also will like to welcome Sue and Liz. These two are girls that heard i have a blog and i just gave it to them. This is me making a change. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts, even though i honestly dont even hang out with them im glad i can say im comfortable enough to share this with them.
The reason why my blog is titled misconception? its because im living a lie and i know it. I know that the reason why im blogging less isnt because im doing better but because im actually doing worse. Im getting skinner. I hate how rude some customers are in CVS. I havent found an internship yet, I havent been in school. Ive honestly been a fuckin mess. I cant look at my arms because it looks like im looking at a freakin twig. The only thing that is making me happy is LGB girl and yet im forced to be honestly indifferent about her because if im not then i honestly would be fucked if i mess it up at any given time. So i reep the bond for its emotional benefits without taxing my mentality.
On a more philosophical level i realized that even when a blend between selflessness and being content with what you have are found. All you are left with is what i found, Which is a selfish and a universal empty feeling. I consider it selfish because its not actually selflessness if im not risking a reasonable amount for that im receiving. This goes back to the fundamentals, the days of full metal alchemist. lol Also, if i can tell myself that what matters to me doesnt actually matter and mean it then what is meaningful? At this point, ive only succeeded in proving to myself that everything in this world is meaningless.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Fucked up.
My old house was haunted...and i always thought it was the basement. The basement was so creepy. It literally looked like they left the foundation bare as it was and make that a basement. The floor was made by some weird rock as well as the walls and there was this deep dark corner to it..my parents used to always have to go down and do their laundry but i always hated that place. I was much more in tune when i was younger...especially when i was younger and i just...got a really bad feeling from that place.
I guess i have a mater now, I cant handle much stress at all anymore and if i do have any stress then i have very disturbing nightmares. Let me show you how disturbed my head is. This dream was a story so its not controlled, but the characterization was convincing and the map of the house was spot on. My eldest sister my dad and i were watching tv late at night one night with the basement door open. My mother was the first to die..She went downstairs and over the tv me my dad and my sister started hearing slushing noises, Like someone stepping in an icy puddle close by or well, someone cutting meat. Then we heard a crack. My dad switched off the tv and the three of us sat there listening, wondering what that was. We started to hear whispering and my dad in chinese called out to our mom. He calls out again when she doesnt respond and we heard breaking bones and more slicing meat. Then we heard a highpitch strill and a demonic voice jokingly talked to us for 30 minutes. It was happy, then sad, then angry. The tones it was using was telling us he was enjoying himself and to back the fuck off and let him stay in our basement. My dad talked to it in chinese like wheres my wife?! and the voice went INSANE half gibberish half manic laugh. Me and my sister were absolutely truamatized. Laurie was passed out because she usually always passes out early. My dad goes and closes the door, locks it, then urges us all to come upstairs with him and sleep,we call the cops. We sleep and there was actually a pause in my dream. Unlike My new place which IS a basement, I actually saw sunlight and when i woke up and opened my eyes and for a split second when my eyes adjusted to the birghtness of the morning, I saw a face. This terrified me and i remember that my mother is dead I look around to see my dad not in bed, He used to share the same bedroom as i. This made me anxious and i ran to my sisters room, They were in bed and my oldest sister was telling the younger what happened the night before. I asked them where daddy is and they said hes downstairs talking to police. I went downstairs and right when i stood next to daddy i saw the pictures the detective was holding to his side. My mothers neck was spun 360 to look downwards but she was looking down hair everywhere because the back was broken as well, bent like a slouched back. Her arms were chopped off and i fainted. The nights were always the same. My dad and i sat downstairs because i refused to be without him, Even if it brought me closer to the evil demon. I was reasonable when i was little. Id rather be with him and have more firepower against this thing, then none and seperated, and if worse came to worse, loosing him too. My sisters were upstairs because they didnt see reason just fear. Me and my dad tried to lighten the mood by talking and he had a hair dryer and used it as a gun. With his weird funny laugh he walked around the living room with it out in front of him and said in chinese "This makes me feel baddass, Im a cop!" Me being a little kid found it funny because he was able to keep such a light attitude. Some nights we didnt hear anything but other nights we'd hear the mumbling and manic talks. Sometimes some screams and every morning we would find the basement door opened again, regardless if there were voices or not the night before. Truamatized after weeks i got used to it, i grew a pair. The demon just wanted to be alone but the whispers and the mumbles and the talks that seemed as if thee creature were telling us stories at night, maybe of all the wretched things its done made me a become a very ugly person. I Find it funny because my dream states that the demon made my dad as cranky as he is in real life. Lol Thats how cranky he is -_-'' seriously. I remember one night i went to the basement door and yelled "SHUT UP!" Then slammed the door and lcoked it as quickly as possible. The door rattled very angrily but then it stopped for the rest of the night.
But i have a very nice backround. Its fenced off on the side though because on the other side is legit woods. There were woods that went on for 2 blocks past that fence. When i was little me and my sister would lay in my big backyard and look over the fence at the tall trees and the veins wrapping around the electric wire. There was one tree taller than the rest and it looked amazing, we hear alot of what seemed like exotic bird calls. This was all in the projects of High Park, True story.
Anyways as the dream continued a week past and it was july 4th. Everyone was in and out of my house, surrounding my house because my neighbor was hosting a party, like usual. Lol So the air was filled with reggeton and festivities. I took advantage of that to tell my neighbors about it and a friend of my neighbors didnt believe me so they came into my house without anyone knowing. The demon clearly didnt like new people up to no good in the house. We had 10 locks on the basement door by july 4th and it didnt even open in the morning anymore. HE opened the fucking door and welp..victim #2. Back broken, head twisted and arms chopped off. But this time i looked a the pictures and cuddled next to the dead body was a little troll, a gremlin. The forensics team picked it up. ITs skin was transparent but there was a green tint to it, as if that was the color of its organs. I didnt see its face but thats when i woke up.
Fuckin why would my head make me a little kid just to truamatize me?
Edit::
This nightmare truamatized me the entire day. But that is the potential of meditation. 10 hours to 2 weeks. Its as far as the dream could reach and that was the first thing i noted. That is my potential right now unconciously. Idk about you but i find that fascinating. To learn as much as you would in 2 weeks as what you would in 10 hours? lol. The maniac voice was running in my head the entire day. It seriously is trumatizing when it felt like i had to sleep to that for a whole two weeks, To live on such an edge for two weeks. Imagine being 10 years old and trapped in a mental asylum for 2 weeks.
Ironic thing about that with this dream running in my head all day is that the nightmare could easily be a metaphor for my insanity. basement was the metaphor for that dark hole in me. The manic talk was my insanity and the first death being my mother is honestly no coincidence. Maybe that expresses my deep unknown hatred for her. She is the reason why i am so distant from my family today and why my dad is so cranky. It was because of her my dad disowned me and my head did a backflip and made me think..fuck family. I support them now and i love them i honestly do, but i feel as if much of the connection i have with them has been forever lost along with my memories. This is nothing i usually bring up because ehh idk i was thinking about it today and trying to explain why this dream occured. It makes sense that it made my dad as cranky as he was today and not more cranky. No, What was more interesting was the fact that i could dream about him in a happy state, because i honestly dont remember the last time i felt a genuine smile on his face. The way people died were symbolic as well. I noticed that in order to better myself ive become a very spiteful person and that transition actually happened during my more recent breakdowns. I see spite in the way the deaths were done. The chopped arms made the victims defenseless then he would break the neck so that the face would no longer show. Last the broken back. Idk about you but broken back to me symbolizes agony to me. Proverbs such as "I'll bear/carry your burdens" or "Id bend over backward for you" or idk.. alot of burden and agony comes with the back and when analyzing the dream i saw it as fit. My insanity wanted to see what i see, feel like all hope is gone then die with the utmost burden and honestly thats how i smite people. The gremlin is symbolic of my insanity. its transparent so you cant tell its there but its there and the green represented i want to say jealousy. It was in the same fetal position as its victim in my dream because it was most likely agonizing for the unnecessary victims. It was jealous of the happy go lucky mind. Honestly, I feel like i curse people with my open mind. Even when i was manic 5 years ago i grieved for all my friends that had to listen to me speak. It was of truths i found of the world and of myself, mass contradictions that noone could ever do anything about. Its the feeling of dispair that i shared. The curious mind died in the same manner but only because it stepped into that world and saw the ideas. The world is a very ugly place and that is a very pessimistic very to life but insanity knew it as true and regardless of whether or not ideas are true the person sharing it could convince it to be true due to the undying belief for those concepts. Thats only natural, a good example would be religion or this blogpost alone. I have sucessfully convinced you that i have insanity deep within me but why? because of a dream and an explanation. Yeah sure the nightmare is a bit disturbing but isnt any? Its the explanation that sold it to you. With that explaination was confidence and a clear pattern that could only be found with indisputable belief within myself. I found the reason to this dream because i looked for it and spoke of only the explanations i wanted you to hear. For example notice how i didnt question why even though i hate my dad, in the dream he was my knight in shining armor? I honestly dont know why i chose to stick so close to him in the dream because ive never been close with my dad. He is a very respectable man though and through and i know that he would support me if shit went sour. So question is does this make me insane even though i proved myself so? Thats up to you to decide.
Regardless, It was as if i successfully preformed inception by planting a memory into my younger years because i was experiencing that from a younger mind. I guess thats what happens when im under stress and i let go of inhibitions. Im back into a learning child state, something very dangerous for someone like me to feel especially when i experience stress because bam nightmares like these happen. Im able to feel like a child again therefore i can reteach myself things via dreaming.
Another blogpost about my burdens. Thats why i take everything with full strides and im so serious with everything and yet im so happy go lucky. lol. Which is why i honestly havent been feeling myself. Honestly, I felt better with theresa than i do her. Ive been forced into such a confined space that no matter who i talk to now its the same. Very dull conversations about me. Straight up. Like i met someone new today. Nobody special just an acquaintance of acquaintances and i was talking about clothes, school, books, movies but there is a level of conversation where i need to reach that makes me feel comfortable and that is of course for me unspoken. It is only with unspoken communication does that structured shit prosper in my mind. Because then i go on and on about how reckless i am and how much crazy shit ive done and what i do but that doesnt make me who i am. Its only with the unspoken communication that i know what to say, when to say it and how to word things because i feel like flow of the conversation, I know when she would bounce ideas off and when it would be a conversation ender. Thats why im so curious because surprisingly she got the hardpart down...which is the structured shit. But there is no chemistry! I have no idea what makes her tick. Idk how to explain it. Its just...I cant feel what she will do next and honestly that is done way before the structured stuff. This relationship is very interesting because im working backwards, literally. Ive already given up because there is no chemistry. I dont feel like im flirting at all because i havent said it. I havent called her beautiful i havent called her cute i dont compliment her on anything and its all so..dull. All i have to base this on is her actions. She texts me in the morning, she follows through with it for the whole day..she drove down to boston for me that night and left a party. Shes coming back to boston this weekend and clearly implied that she wants to see me, but i feel empty. Id much rather be with girl #2 which is nothing like me or even better a girl that knows both sides of me, such as theresa or lauren because they know my blog. Im excited to see her in person again because maybe its just me and i cant find chemistry through the internet. I need eye to eye contact. You know what? im going to kick up some dirt tomorrow. Im going to ask her if shes a virgin because honestly sure she has alot in common with me but ive never met anyone that is so damn stiff. She said she was born and raised in a catholic home and she loves kids and that is the only time i felt some emotion from her. When she talked about babysitting. Even when she talked about her future plans of opening a dojo i didnt feel much at all. Her mind is clearly elsewhere...maybe with her ex?
I guess i have a mater now, I cant handle much stress at all anymore and if i do have any stress then i have very disturbing nightmares. Let me show you how disturbed my head is. This dream was a story so its not controlled, but the characterization was convincing and the map of the house was spot on. My eldest sister my dad and i were watching tv late at night one night with the basement door open. My mother was the first to die..She went downstairs and over the tv me my dad and my sister started hearing slushing noises, Like someone stepping in an icy puddle close by or well, someone cutting meat. Then we heard a crack. My dad switched off the tv and the three of us sat there listening, wondering what that was. We started to hear whispering and my dad in chinese called out to our mom. He calls out again when she doesnt respond and we heard breaking bones and more slicing meat. Then we heard a highpitch strill and a demonic voice jokingly talked to us for 30 minutes. It was happy, then sad, then angry. The tones it was using was telling us he was enjoying himself and to back the fuck off and let him stay in our basement. My dad talked to it in chinese like wheres my wife?! and the voice went INSANE half gibberish half manic laugh. Me and my sister were absolutely truamatized. Laurie was passed out because she usually always passes out early. My dad goes and closes the door, locks it, then urges us all to come upstairs with him and sleep,we call the cops. We sleep and there was actually a pause in my dream. Unlike My new place which IS a basement, I actually saw sunlight and when i woke up and opened my eyes and for a split second when my eyes adjusted to the birghtness of the morning, I saw a face. This terrified me and i remember that my mother is dead I look around to see my dad not in bed, He used to share the same bedroom as i. This made me anxious and i ran to my sisters room, They were in bed and my oldest sister was telling the younger what happened the night before. I asked them where daddy is and they said hes downstairs talking to police. I went downstairs and right when i stood next to daddy i saw the pictures the detective was holding to his side. My mothers neck was spun 360 to look downwards but she was looking down hair everywhere because the back was broken as well, bent like a slouched back. Her arms were chopped off and i fainted. The nights were always the same. My dad and i sat downstairs because i refused to be without him, Even if it brought me closer to the evil demon. I was reasonable when i was little. Id rather be with him and have more firepower against this thing, then none and seperated, and if worse came to worse, loosing him too. My sisters were upstairs because they didnt see reason just fear. Me and my dad tried to lighten the mood by talking and he had a hair dryer and used it as a gun. With his weird funny laugh he walked around the living room with it out in front of him and said in chinese "This makes me feel baddass, Im a cop!" Me being a little kid found it funny because he was able to keep such a light attitude. Some nights we didnt hear anything but other nights we'd hear the mumbling and manic talks. Sometimes some screams and every morning we would find the basement door opened again, regardless if there were voices or not the night before. Truamatized after weeks i got used to it, i grew a pair. The demon just wanted to be alone but the whispers and the mumbles and the talks that seemed as if thee creature were telling us stories at night, maybe of all the wretched things its done made me a become a very ugly person. I Find it funny because my dream states that the demon made my dad as cranky as he is in real life. Lol Thats how cranky he is -_-'' seriously. I remember one night i went to the basement door and yelled "SHUT UP!" Then slammed the door and lcoked it as quickly as possible. The door rattled very angrily but then it stopped for the rest of the night.
But i have a very nice backround. Its fenced off on the side though because on the other side is legit woods. There were woods that went on for 2 blocks past that fence. When i was little me and my sister would lay in my big backyard and look over the fence at the tall trees and the veins wrapping around the electric wire. There was one tree taller than the rest and it looked amazing, we hear alot of what seemed like exotic bird calls. This was all in the projects of High Park, True story.
Anyways as the dream continued a week past and it was july 4th. Everyone was in and out of my house, surrounding my house because my neighbor was hosting a party, like usual. Lol So the air was filled with reggeton and festivities. I took advantage of that to tell my neighbors about it and a friend of my neighbors didnt believe me so they came into my house without anyone knowing. The demon clearly didnt like new people up to no good in the house. We had 10 locks on the basement door by july 4th and it didnt even open in the morning anymore. HE opened the fucking door and welp..victim #2. Back broken, head twisted and arms chopped off. But this time i looked a the pictures and cuddled next to the dead body was a little troll, a gremlin. The forensics team picked it up. ITs skin was transparent but there was a green tint to it, as if that was the color of its organs. I didnt see its face but thats when i woke up.
Fuckin why would my head make me a little kid just to truamatize me?
Edit::
This nightmare truamatized me the entire day. But that is the potential of meditation. 10 hours to 2 weeks. Its as far as the dream could reach and that was the first thing i noted. That is my potential right now unconciously. Idk about you but i find that fascinating. To learn as much as you would in 2 weeks as what you would in 10 hours? lol. The maniac voice was running in my head the entire day. It seriously is trumatizing when it felt like i had to sleep to that for a whole two weeks, To live on such an edge for two weeks. Imagine being 10 years old and trapped in a mental asylum for 2 weeks.
Ironic thing about that with this dream running in my head all day is that the nightmare could easily be a metaphor for my insanity. basement was the metaphor for that dark hole in me. The manic talk was my insanity and the first death being my mother is honestly no coincidence. Maybe that expresses my deep unknown hatred for her. She is the reason why i am so distant from my family today and why my dad is so cranky. It was because of her my dad disowned me and my head did a backflip and made me think..fuck family. I support them now and i love them i honestly do, but i feel as if much of the connection i have with them has been forever lost along with my memories. This is nothing i usually bring up because ehh idk i was thinking about it today and trying to explain why this dream occured. It makes sense that it made my dad as cranky as he was today and not more cranky. No, What was more interesting was the fact that i could dream about him in a happy state, because i honestly dont remember the last time i felt a genuine smile on his face. The way people died were symbolic as well. I noticed that in order to better myself ive become a very spiteful person and that transition actually happened during my more recent breakdowns. I see spite in the way the deaths were done. The chopped arms made the victims defenseless then he would break the neck so that the face would no longer show. Last the broken back. Idk about you but broken back to me symbolizes agony to me. Proverbs such as "I'll bear/carry your burdens" or "Id bend over backward for you" or idk.. alot of burden and agony comes with the back and when analyzing the dream i saw it as fit. My insanity wanted to see what i see, feel like all hope is gone then die with the utmost burden and honestly thats how i smite people. The gremlin is symbolic of my insanity. its transparent so you cant tell its there but its there and the green represented i want to say jealousy. It was in the same fetal position as its victim in my dream because it was most likely agonizing for the unnecessary victims. It was jealous of the happy go lucky mind. Honestly, I feel like i curse people with my open mind. Even when i was manic 5 years ago i grieved for all my friends that had to listen to me speak. It was of truths i found of the world and of myself, mass contradictions that noone could ever do anything about. Its the feeling of dispair that i shared. The curious mind died in the same manner but only because it stepped into that world and saw the ideas. The world is a very ugly place and that is a very pessimistic very to life but insanity knew it as true and regardless of whether or not ideas are true the person sharing it could convince it to be true due to the undying belief for those concepts. Thats only natural, a good example would be religion or this blogpost alone. I have sucessfully convinced you that i have insanity deep within me but why? because of a dream and an explanation. Yeah sure the nightmare is a bit disturbing but isnt any? Its the explanation that sold it to you. With that explaination was confidence and a clear pattern that could only be found with indisputable belief within myself. I found the reason to this dream because i looked for it and spoke of only the explanations i wanted you to hear. For example notice how i didnt question why even though i hate my dad, in the dream he was my knight in shining armor? I honestly dont know why i chose to stick so close to him in the dream because ive never been close with my dad. He is a very respectable man though and through and i know that he would support me if shit went sour. So question is does this make me insane even though i proved myself so? Thats up to you to decide.
Regardless, It was as if i successfully preformed inception by planting a memory into my younger years because i was experiencing that from a younger mind. I guess thats what happens when im under stress and i let go of inhibitions. Im back into a learning child state, something very dangerous for someone like me to feel especially when i experience stress because bam nightmares like these happen. Im able to feel like a child again therefore i can reteach myself things via dreaming.
Another blogpost about my burdens. Thats why i take everything with full strides and im so serious with everything and yet im so happy go lucky. lol. Which is why i honestly havent been feeling myself. Honestly, I felt better with theresa than i do her. Ive been forced into such a confined space that no matter who i talk to now its the same. Very dull conversations about me. Straight up. Like i met someone new today. Nobody special just an acquaintance of acquaintances and i was talking about clothes, school, books, movies but there is a level of conversation where i need to reach that makes me feel comfortable and that is of course for me unspoken. It is only with unspoken communication does that structured shit prosper in my mind. Because then i go on and on about how reckless i am and how much crazy shit ive done and what i do but that doesnt make me who i am. Its only with the unspoken communication that i know what to say, when to say it and how to word things because i feel like flow of the conversation, I know when she would bounce ideas off and when it would be a conversation ender. Thats why im so curious because surprisingly she got the hardpart down...which is the structured shit. But there is no chemistry! I have no idea what makes her tick. Idk how to explain it. Its just...I cant feel what she will do next and honestly that is done way before the structured stuff. This relationship is very interesting because im working backwards, literally. Ive already given up because there is no chemistry. I dont feel like im flirting at all because i havent said it. I havent called her beautiful i havent called her cute i dont compliment her on anything and its all so..dull. All i have to base this on is her actions. She texts me in the morning, she follows through with it for the whole day..she drove down to boston for me that night and left a party. Shes coming back to boston this weekend and clearly implied that she wants to see me, but i feel empty. Id much rather be with girl #2 which is nothing like me or even better a girl that knows both sides of me, such as theresa or lauren because they know my blog. Im excited to see her in person again because maybe its just me and i cant find chemistry through the internet. I need eye to eye contact. You know what? im going to kick up some dirt tomorrow. Im going to ask her if shes a virgin because honestly sure she has alot in common with me but ive never met anyone that is so damn stiff. She said she was born and raised in a catholic home and she loves kids and that is the only time i felt some emotion from her. When she talked about babysitting. Even when she talked about her future plans of opening a dojo i didnt feel much at all. Her mind is clearly elsewhere...maybe with her ex?
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Stiff.
"Calm down!! Calm down!! Dont get a big DICK!" lol Is what my friends would drunkenly quote if someone was acting too excited for no reason. lol. But of course, as i predicted, noone is drinking that much anymore third year of college and everyone is snapping into 3rd gear. Ive been blogging less because it makes me feel as if im wasting time. Now i know what i need to do so I really dont need to write blogpost anymore lol. Only makes sense. I promised myself i wouldnt stick my head in the game again cause honestly im not quite ready but i now have two girls that i dont want to let go. lol. I need to decide which one to choose because both are great. one i feel like would be much better in bed but the other longboards....she LONGBOARDS. ughh if i couldnt masturbate my whole life id just longboard you dont understand lol. The minute SOPA started seriously comming in effect i was fucking online like..MUST.BUY. UNLIMITED LONGBOARD GEAR.
Speaking of material items my new material wishlist has grown dramaticly. Since im missing a fucking comma on my laptop i feel like i need a new laptop -_-. But thats at the very bottom of the material list. At the very bottom is a car then comes a new laptop. From there its listed as so: new place to live, new watch, snowboard, hat, shoes, clothes, school id then it comes tied with sennheisers mm550 travel and new longboard trucks. lol. Of course im going to get the trucks first so that i can hang with longboard girl asap, for short lets nickname her lbg because she seems, surprisingly, shaky in my life. ill get more into that later. So these headphones are the flagship of the bluetooth series sennheiser released about a year ago. These headphones, which value for about 600 bucks, comes with the following capabilities. Wireless bluetooth capability, that means it can receive signal within 30 ft from any audio device that supports bluetooth, it can remember up to 5 devices at once. It has roughly 10 hours of play time and about 7-8 when surround sound is activated. This capability allows the sound to sound as if it is not coming from the headphones but an external source, giving it that live and well, surround feel. It also has the ability to receive calls since it is a bluetooth device, there is a little mic on the right headphone that is very strong. It also has sound cancellation and talk through. This function is sponsored by noisegaurd, a very highend sound cancellation company. With this integrated in the headphones i can choose whether or not to activate an anti-noise, blocking out any external sounds without compromising the sound quality im playing. There is also a talk through function which allows me to listen to people talk to me without me taking off my headphones. Which is just a fun little add on. With headphones as big as the mm550 any external noises should already be muffled but with the talk through function you can hear people as if you dont even have the headphones on. I find that pretty awesome. Im thinking about using all of these functions to the fullest when im longboarding. There are buttons on the right ear that allow me to skip track, raise volume, answer phonecalls, and enable the talk through function. jizz...jizzz and jizz. Sennheiser is a very respectable German company that sells alot of very highend headphones and ive heard a pair of sennheisers before. You think headphones are headphones until youve heard music through sennheisers. Then you secretly look for your favorite pair of highend headphones lol. My god. I would die for a pair of mm550. if not then shit even the pxc 360 bt are fine. If not then the mm450 but the others are ehh..not really worth the money im looking to invest in a great pair of headphones i mean...id rather just save for one of those three. the pxc360bt are actually only going for 200 bucks right now :OO but the model up which simply includes the ability to recieve phonecalls slaps a grand 300 on it for a whopping 500 buck total. I dont give a shit. Im getting them. lol. For you dr dre users, which are mostly mac users as well. You guys fail XD. Dr dres are complete and utter shit compared to sennheisers lol. Many people just got them because they were marketed with apple and because of marketing. *sigh* hipsters. now with just 200 bucks extra i get better sound quality, wireless, noiseguard, surround sound, external functions to skip tracks higher and lower volume and recieve calls. DAMN. and for the same price i get all of that except receive calls. You dumb rich ass mother fuckers. lol Im jealous youre so stupid lol. and i swear if i get them stolen...im going to cry like a little bitch. Ill never wear them out late at night LOL and if i do, thats cause im fucking longboarding all the way home lol. I would never hop on the subway after like 10 with them around my head.
Now thats really what has been stopping me from blogging. Because if i have time im fucking online staring at these headphones like O.O....I WANT..I WANT.. just running in my head like a robot haha.
Theyll be as expensive as my fucking longboard right now!! which is going to cost about 500 bucks with the new goddamn trucks. ugh so much money but! i must save all my money because i have two girls to decide from while i wifey them up, like the bachelor. lol
Lets get back to that. One of them is going to take a sawed off and blow a fucking hole in my wallet while the other is very mature, has a car and honestly she is exactly what im looking for because shes out of my league but shes perfect because shes humble and down to earth making her accessible to someone like me. Shes done nothing but blow my mind and im trying so hard not to be open and not to go so fast. Thats how i fucked up with theresa and thats how i fucked up with every girl before that. My sister is REALLY trying to help me now lol it isnt hard because lbg laughs everything off. :] Im so stiff all the time that its hard to be myself. Im my blogself with her 24/7. The person that knows what hes doing that controlled and confident in bettering myself. That doesnt give me a chance to be who i am from a day to day basis though, which is a very goofy impulsive and spontaneous person. Shes not a shelters person, shes just someone i never met before, shes a "sweetheart." She speaks softly and has a very big heart. But shes a guy. It just so happened the characteristics that make her a guy is everything that define me as a person. She likes greek mythology and all philosophy too! we were talking about greek mythology for like..15 mins lol. It was mindblowing. With all these characteristics im trying to dig deeper to see if she is as impulsive as i because i dont want to come off as a really obnoxious person to her. She seems very calm and just smiley person. haha I cant stop thinking about her but my sister said "NO!! NO NEXT STEPS! You dont need to take it to the next step Thomas, give it 6 months until you take the next step. You might think youre being friendzoned but if shes interested then you can never be friendzoned." Im really going to take the fall of trust hear and take all the advise i can get because id be so happy if a genuine girl like her could be with me. She takes the first move but i can tell she could be easily scared away because shes so soft spoken and we talk so much about our surface self that i know nothing about what makes her tick. Hopefully, like all the girls i talk to shell loosen up. Im running out of things to talk to her about though lol. We talk all day everyday and at night we webcam until 3am. I wonder if she finds me attractive or if shes interested in me. My sister said not to worry about it though because if she friendzoned me then it already happened and you cant help it. Making sudden moves only sabotages my chances with her. and im thinking BLAHHH but sabotaging my chances is how i get comfortable. Its like breaking in a pair of hiking boots. I have to kick up dirt with it to feel comfortable in it. I honestly, dont feel comfortable but i know shell be worth it at the end. I hope this doesnt screw up my pool game. I took a fast step today and my sister literally slapped me across the head cause i asked her how many relationships shes been in. lol. Luckily shes talked to many guys before and that didnt deter her. She simply said she didnt want to talk about it just yet and winked and i agreed lol. Shes giving me alot of space to fuck up even though im not flirting. Im literally talking to her like a friend. Its such a weird swag im learning. To just be me. No flirting no saying shes cute no short smart remarks. Everything is very structured and everything i say comes from something ive done and honestly thats the hardest thing for me because like i said i only have 2 years to base things off of. lol. This is what i wanted though, this is everything i wanted. The grandest test and it even has the supports i want because she is so down to earth. I already told colin that if i fail this then im turning gay and he can have me LOL cause i honestly could not be in a relationship again, clearly so theres no more use of me fighting.
This is all quite thrilling and stressful for me. The second girl is my comfort girl. Shes the one i broke into and its fine cause shes taken so i can use that extra force, its the extra push i need to bring her towards me, i feel. I tell her what im feeling i call her beautiful i wrap my arms around her i sing and act completely instinctive around her. lol. Its great :] were going to hang out tomorrow. SHE asked me to hang out. I find that very sexy. Im doing already enough work as it is text you and shifting my game then playing hard to get. Im very socially awkward so its nice to know that the girl is willing to come halfway. Both of these girls clearly see that much, that i am socially awkward but i have more than what meets the eye. lol
UGh girls. i have work everyday this week at 7am. I missed revolve audtions due to chinese new years and staying up talking to LBG. speaking of acronym girls. TFK and i texted today. I apologized to her for not keeping in touch cause ive been busy and it was a very friendly text :] she has such a warm heart that i like to send text like that to her. She complied and we texted back and forth for a bit, then we stopped abruptly and she exted me goodnight. and she wants to get coffee this weekend...but i told her ill see because honestly im crossing my fingers for LBG to come back to boston :x i want to go to UMA with her and possible rockclimb together.
But yeah because ive not been my impulsive self for these past three days ive been feeling very dead, and experiencing a very lazy out-of-body mood as if someone else is talking and moving for me. Im really going to let everyone change me because i know now that hell, my old way isnt working and i really cant fuck this one up so im letting everyone pull and push me mentally and emotionally. Everyone being my sisters, donvu, chris, doug and my gay friend colin because hes forever trying to know whats going on in my life. lol Im feeling very vunerable right now since im not in my comfortzone so hopefully i can you know..work efficently tomorrow at work. because honestly at such a fast pace and im not actually there i can fuck up again and i dont want that. Douchebag mode is still in gear so that has been helping lol
To sum my life up right now..Girls and money. P.s.LBG's favorite place in boston is the waterfront as well :D and I told LBG i have a blog..but then i remembered the entire entry i wrote about her and told her my blog is very personal and she might think im fucking crazy lol. She has a tumblr and she agreed and we didnt trade links. Im really trying to play it slow here >.> i mean i wouldnt want her to read all the post about theresa that were not a month ago. lol I dont want to come off as a player..and she doesnt know i smoke yet. OMG im becoming everything i hate >.< im not saying i am a player but hell i mean...i am talking to two girls at once. lol
Speaking of material items my new material wishlist has grown dramaticly. Since im missing a fucking comma on my laptop i feel like i need a new laptop -_-. But thats at the very bottom of the material list. At the very bottom is a car then comes a new laptop. From there its listed as so: new place to live, new watch, snowboard, hat, shoes, clothes, school id then it comes tied with sennheisers mm550 travel and new longboard trucks. lol. Of course im going to get the trucks first so that i can hang with longboard girl asap, for short lets nickname her lbg because she seems, surprisingly, shaky in my life. ill get more into that later. So these headphones are the flagship of the bluetooth series sennheiser released about a year ago. These headphones, which value for about 600 bucks, comes with the following capabilities. Wireless bluetooth capability, that means it can receive signal within 30 ft from any audio device that supports bluetooth, it can remember up to 5 devices at once. It has roughly 10 hours of play time and about 7-8 when surround sound is activated. This capability allows the sound to sound as if it is not coming from the headphones but an external source, giving it that live and well, surround feel. It also has the ability to receive calls since it is a bluetooth device, there is a little mic on the right headphone that is very strong. It also has sound cancellation and talk through. This function is sponsored by noisegaurd, a very highend sound cancellation company. With this integrated in the headphones i can choose whether or not to activate an anti-noise, blocking out any external sounds without compromising the sound quality im playing. There is also a talk through function which allows me to listen to people talk to me without me taking off my headphones. Which is just a fun little add on. With headphones as big as the mm550 any external noises should already be muffled but with the talk through function you can hear people as if you dont even have the headphones on. I find that pretty awesome. Im thinking about using all of these functions to the fullest when im longboarding. There are buttons on the right ear that allow me to skip track, raise volume, answer phonecalls, and enable the talk through function. jizz...jizzz and jizz. Sennheiser is a very respectable German company that sells alot of very highend headphones and ive heard a pair of sennheisers before. You think headphones are headphones until youve heard music through sennheisers. Then you secretly look for your favorite pair of highend headphones lol. My god. I would die for a pair of mm550. if not then shit even the pxc 360 bt are fine. If not then the mm450 but the others are ehh..not really worth the money im looking to invest in a great pair of headphones i mean...id rather just save for one of those three. the pxc360bt are actually only going for 200 bucks right now :OO but the model up which simply includes the ability to recieve phonecalls slaps a grand 300 on it for a whopping 500 buck total. I dont give a shit. Im getting them. lol. For you dr dre users, which are mostly mac users as well. You guys fail XD. Dr dres are complete and utter shit compared to sennheisers lol. Many people just got them because they were marketed with apple and because of marketing. *sigh* hipsters. now with just 200 bucks extra i get better sound quality, wireless, noiseguard, surround sound, external functions to skip tracks higher and lower volume and recieve calls. DAMN. and for the same price i get all of that except receive calls. You dumb rich ass mother fuckers. lol Im jealous youre so stupid lol. and i swear if i get them stolen...im going to cry like a little bitch. Ill never wear them out late at night LOL and if i do, thats cause im fucking longboarding all the way home lol. I would never hop on the subway after like 10 with them around my head.
Now thats really what has been stopping me from blogging. Because if i have time im fucking online staring at these headphones like O.O....I WANT..I WANT.. just running in my head like a robot haha.
Theyll be as expensive as my fucking longboard right now!! which is going to cost about 500 bucks with the new goddamn trucks. ugh so much money but! i must save all my money because i have two girls to decide from while i wifey them up, like the bachelor. lol
Lets get back to that. One of them is going to take a sawed off and blow a fucking hole in my wallet while the other is very mature, has a car and honestly she is exactly what im looking for because shes out of my league but shes perfect because shes humble and down to earth making her accessible to someone like me. Shes done nothing but blow my mind and im trying so hard not to be open and not to go so fast. Thats how i fucked up with theresa and thats how i fucked up with every girl before that. My sister is REALLY trying to help me now lol it isnt hard because lbg laughs everything off. :] Im so stiff all the time that its hard to be myself. Im my blogself with her 24/7. The person that knows what hes doing that controlled and confident in bettering myself. That doesnt give me a chance to be who i am from a day to day basis though, which is a very goofy impulsive and spontaneous person. Shes not a shelters person, shes just someone i never met before, shes a "sweetheart." She speaks softly and has a very big heart. But shes a guy. It just so happened the characteristics that make her a guy is everything that define me as a person. She likes greek mythology and all philosophy too! we were talking about greek mythology for like..15 mins lol. It was mindblowing. With all these characteristics im trying to dig deeper to see if she is as impulsive as i because i dont want to come off as a really obnoxious person to her. She seems very calm and just smiley person. haha I cant stop thinking about her but my sister said "NO!! NO NEXT STEPS! You dont need to take it to the next step Thomas, give it 6 months until you take the next step. You might think youre being friendzoned but if shes interested then you can never be friendzoned." Im really going to take the fall of trust hear and take all the advise i can get because id be so happy if a genuine girl like her could be with me. She takes the first move but i can tell she could be easily scared away because shes so soft spoken and we talk so much about our surface self that i know nothing about what makes her tick. Hopefully, like all the girls i talk to shell loosen up. Im running out of things to talk to her about though lol. We talk all day everyday and at night we webcam until 3am. I wonder if she finds me attractive or if shes interested in me. My sister said not to worry about it though because if she friendzoned me then it already happened and you cant help it. Making sudden moves only sabotages my chances with her. and im thinking BLAHHH but sabotaging my chances is how i get comfortable. Its like breaking in a pair of hiking boots. I have to kick up dirt with it to feel comfortable in it. I honestly, dont feel comfortable but i know shell be worth it at the end. I hope this doesnt screw up my pool game. I took a fast step today and my sister literally slapped me across the head cause i asked her how many relationships shes been in. lol. Luckily shes talked to many guys before and that didnt deter her. She simply said she didnt want to talk about it just yet and winked and i agreed lol. Shes giving me alot of space to fuck up even though im not flirting. Im literally talking to her like a friend. Its such a weird swag im learning. To just be me. No flirting no saying shes cute no short smart remarks. Everything is very structured and everything i say comes from something ive done and honestly thats the hardest thing for me because like i said i only have 2 years to base things off of. lol. This is what i wanted though, this is everything i wanted. The grandest test and it even has the supports i want because she is so down to earth. I already told colin that if i fail this then im turning gay and he can have me LOL cause i honestly could not be in a relationship again, clearly so theres no more use of me fighting.
This is all quite thrilling and stressful for me. The second girl is my comfort girl. Shes the one i broke into and its fine cause shes taken so i can use that extra force, its the extra push i need to bring her towards me, i feel. I tell her what im feeling i call her beautiful i wrap my arms around her i sing and act completely instinctive around her. lol. Its great :] were going to hang out tomorrow. SHE asked me to hang out. I find that very sexy. Im doing already enough work as it is text you and shifting my game then playing hard to get. Im very socially awkward so its nice to know that the girl is willing to come halfway. Both of these girls clearly see that much, that i am socially awkward but i have more than what meets the eye. lol
UGh girls. i have work everyday this week at 7am. I missed revolve audtions due to chinese new years and staying up talking to LBG. speaking of acronym girls. TFK and i texted today. I apologized to her for not keeping in touch cause ive been busy and it was a very friendly text :] she has such a warm heart that i like to send text like that to her. She complied and we texted back and forth for a bit, then we stopped abruptly and she exted me goodnight. and she wants to get coffee this weekend...but i told her ill see because honestly im crossing my fingers for LBG to come back to boston :x i want to go to UMA with her and possible rockclimb together.
But yeah because ive not been my impulsive self for these past three days ive been feeling very dead, and experiencing a very lazy out-of-body mood as if someone else is talking and moving for me. Im really going to let everyone change me because i know now that hell, my old way isnt working and i really cant fuck this one up so im letting everyone pull and push me mentally and emotionally. Everyone being my sisters, donvu, chris, doug and my gay friend colin because hes forever trying to know whats going on in my life. lol Im feeling very vunerable right now since im not in my comfortzone so hopefully i can you know..work efficently tomorrow at work. because honestly at such a fast pace and im not actually there i can fuck up again and i dont want that. Douchebag mode is still in gear so that has been helping lol
To sum my life up right now..Girls and money. P.s.LBG's favorite place in boston is the waterfront as well :D and I told LBG i have a blog..but then i remembered the entire entry i wrote about her and told her my blog is very personal and she might think im fucking crazy lol. She has a tumblr and she agreed and we didnt trade links. Im really trying to play it slow here >.> i mean i wouldnt want her to read all the post about theresa that were not a month ago. lol I dont want to come off as a player..and she doesnt know i smoke yet. OMG im becoming everything i hate >.< im not saying i am a player but hell i mean...i am talking to two girls at once. lol
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Surrounded
Dream theater-Surrounded is the song of the night. I was singing it outloud while i froliced home in the beautiful snow! Im soo happy that it snowed tonight you dont understand it just made the night so magical. but first off, let me post the lyrics of this song.
Morning comes too early and nighttime falls too late
And sometimes all I want to do is wait
The shadow I've been hiding in has fled from me today
I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye
But I will raise a shelter to the sky
and here beneath this
star tonight I'll lie
She will slowly yield the light
As I awaken from the longest night
Dreams are shaking
Set sirens waking up tired eyes
With the light the memories all rush into his head
By a candle stands a mirror
Of his heart and soul she dances
She was dancing through the night above his bed
And walking to the window
he throws the shutters out
against the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
'Let light surround you'
It's been a long, long time
He's had awhile to think it over
In the end he only sees the change
Light to dark
Dark to light
Light to dark
Dark to light
Heaven must be more than this
When angels waken with a kiss
Sacred hearts won't take the pain
But mine will never be the same
He stands before the window
His shadow slowly fading from the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
'Let the light surround you'
Once lost but I was found
When I heard the stained glass shatter all around me
I sent the spirits tumbling down the hill
But I will hold this one on high above me still
She whispers words to clear my mind
I once could see but now at last I'm blind
I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye
But I had given all than I could take
And now I've only habits left to break
Tonight I'll still be lying here
Surrounded in all the light
Its a very metaphorical happy song to me. To me, it speaks of hope when it says "let the light surround me." This song...i cant define it. The character in the lyrics are struggling between staying positive and motivated and being aware of what hes gone through. just read it and then read my blogpost and youll understand.
I have so much to write in this blog! omg where do i start!! I guess i can work along with the lyrics so lets backtrack and summarize. I was clearly at a very low point and i had to eat several punches from life but that didnt stop me. "As I awaken from the longest night/ Dreams are shaking/ Set sirens waking up tired eyes/ With the light the memories all rush into his head" So with that said lets begin the 2 day story of Today .
Today was a very magical day for me. After a full nights rest, yesterday i had a 8am-3pm shift. I was honestly exhausted once i left cause im not used to doing over 6 hours at a time. I went to northeastern and wanted to eat then nap which is what kinda happened. By 4pm i was done eating. Tfk came by and introduced me to her parents and it was a very fun experience:] i havent seen her in a long time and honestly i cant keep up with her via text anymore with my douchebag mindset in lock, she just treats me like a friend but with potential if i got older...so yeah since thats known weve drifted. That doesnt mean that i wasnt welcomed by a genuine smile and open arms for a tight hug even though her parents were right there. After speaking with her for a while and trying to speak mandarin myself and failing with laughs to lighten the mood she left. I thought okay, time to sleep, i plug in my headphones and doze off for not 10 mins.
Bochen comes by and breaths over me, waking me up. (ive learned to sleep lightly manually! a sign of mental awareness thus a sign of meditation) He says, "Wake up! league is about to start and you need to practice!" Apparently he also recruited a guy named po. Po is a solid player and he plays better than me but on my best days i can easily surpass him, the think about it though is that hes a solid player that is better than me on my casual day. Bo is having a hard time deciding who to actually put in to play so he just said whoever practices more will play more. If you dont practice you dont play and if you dont play you dont get a chunk of the prize money if we win. So this bothered me cause bo knew this would push me to reach my potential. So right then A pool table opens up and its for my friend dalieh which is on the 9 ball team in the league, im playing in 8 ball. Bochen said "If you can beat her, then youre improving." i know i cant fuckin beat her on a daily basis, shes a regional 9ball tournament winner. lol I could beat her once and thats on the first game then fail the rest by a ball or two lol. So instead of sleeping im like ughhh now i HAVE to practice so i go and practice. And fail i did but i did give her a run for her money several times. After winning 5 rounds in a row she had to go and bochen tried to play me with his left hand. Lol i beat him 3-1 and he got so mad. Now im struggling to beat his left hand because its pointless playing me with his right, obviously(he taught me everything i know in pool, ive learned so much from him in just the past week). I also refuse to let him give me any ball handicaps so he resulted in playing with his left hand. lol anywho. after bochen leaves i leave as well cause theres no opponents worth playing in the gameroom anymore lol.
I sit with Sam k., a new reader of my blog. Welcome to TruthofKings! "The story of my life after everything, but before everything else" :] I realized that he and i see eye to eye on a very philosophical manner. Just like me, he is a very openminded person and is caught in this dilemma which bothers me veryday. The fact that im full of contradictions because im so openminded. Like me, he is aware of his openmindedness so we were able to discuss how our minds worked. Sam this will be the only time i bring you up on a post...i think well at least directly cause youll probably read this. Read "I See You" It is a bit less...journal like. Excuse the grammar i dont care about it at all cause i vomit on the page. lol
Me and him talk for a while and i really got to know him alot better. I was always curious as to why he had the same style of music as i but now i know. Im still confused as to why you arent into lyrics but that could be left for another time. During this sit i realized alot of things. I realized that i am very close to happiness and i dont even notice it. "Happiness is something you achieve when you are satisfied with what you have. but yet, happiness is something you gain by being selfless" How do you give without changing? I feel like the act of giving takes from you therefore if you are giving that means you are trying to find happiness by making others happy through sacrifice but does that not mean that you are not content with yourself? In order to find complete happiness you must find the balance inbetween the two.
After talking to him i told to myself FINALLY i can sleep and i nap for 15 mins until chris calls me about a dubstep concert downstairs. We saw DJ Blauw and he was freakin Awesome! after that i drink with him and big thomas and we have a good ol wasted wednesday lol. It was alot of fun until i realized i didnt get to sleep im still exhausted and im sleeping late. I actually had a 7am shift the next day and i slept at 230. So kinda tipsy and completely exhausted with 3 hours of sleep i go into my second day at work for an 8 hour shift.
Now ill begin the real story lol TODAY!
So today i worked from 7-3 and i was tired as fuck afterwards. One of my favs texted me twice and called me twice cause she wanted to hang out in chinatown. Ive been ignoring her so shes been more persistant. I didnt get her messages until 4 hours later lol I actually talked to her on the phone tonight and like usual it was a very awesome conversation. She knows i like her even though shes taken but she doesnt care at this point. She doesnt have any more feelings for her boyfriend anymore and shes trying to hang out with me as much as possible. I told her "we could hang out monday and wait until i get my first paycheck before i think about wifeying you up cause if im not man enough to support you then i want you to know that." I decide to go to campus to see what was going on and after establishing that there was nothing, i went home to sleep.
Don (my friend) has been notifying me that he has brought something from umass amherst for me and that he'll bring it thursday (today) so i was suppose to hang out with him at 5. I got home at 4 exhausted and after showering i slept from 5-7 and i was like sorry donvu i need sleep. He tells me to suit up and meet him in front of the gameroom so i get on campus and i meet him at 8. I felt terrible but i went to curry and i was expecting to see him and kevin suited up ready to go somewhere or something but kevin was just there and he said, "Don will be back soon so yeah.." and i ask him about why donvu wanted me to suit up and he says that don wanted me to meet someone and im thinking wtf? so i go into the gameroom bored.
I shoot a couple games of pool then i see donvu come in with a cute girl behind her. I find out that she has the same name as my sister and that don is trying to hook me up with her lol. Before i find that out though they sit there and watch me finish 2 rounds with some guy in pool. I started feeling very awkward so i started loosing. For some reason there was alot of awkwardness in the air so i try to find the source. Thats when i start to talk to her and i found out she likes to longboard, she likes full metal alchemist and all the tv shows i do, she likes the same music i do (Dream theater in specific she said i LOVE that band!), she has a science major, and she likes adventures and to be outdoorsy. Im completely mindblown and i think...this girl is the girl version of me! I wait until shes taking a poolshot and i talk to don and thats when i found out his intentions. We chill for a bit and i teach her how to play pool. I soon grow tired of it so i decided to call chris and see what hes doing. I go over to his place and chill with don and her and we just sit in a circle and talk and laugh. Shes kinda quiet but she kept up with the conversation, I was very curious whenever anything came out of her mouth because i knew me and her had so much in common. I could tell she was a very sheltered person and thats why she was oozing awkwardness. I went with the flow of the conversation and when i noticed she was falling out i would start a small conversation with just her and when i do talk to her directly im mindblown. She knows so much about longboarding and we talked for 15 minutes about the different trucks, wheels, boards and what type of longboarding we specialize in. i got her to laugh a little bit talking about longboarding and i would have kept going forever but i decided to instead use that to bring her back into the conversation with the guys. She leaves and thats it. 10 mins later she texts me saying, "Hey! Don gave me your number- i forgot to ask you before i left. Nice meeting you and thanks for the pool tips! :) and we start texting! haha
Im just laughing at life..how life can hand me something like this once i chose to be a douchebag and conform. Its like life is like, "NO! what you were doing before is the right thing! be yourself. Ive never met a girl that ive had so much in common with before its insane haha. I wanted to be a douchebag so that i could conform and find someone that wasnt my type but then they throw something like this at me! haha I cannot fuck this up. Lauren she actually reminds me alot of you but shes actually more similar to me LOL :D she has the feminine features of lauren but the awesome features of me. omg. I look in her eyes and i see lauren, she listens and shes openminded and she genuinely cares. The awkwardness i just found out because don kevin and bochen were gossiping about me and her and bochen told me she just got out of a serious relationship so im pretty sure thats why she made it so awkward. She does martial arts too! and that feeling of outward awkwardness was so profound even though she spoke in a casual manner, let me find out that she knows how to meditate too. Lol. There was just alot but nothing in that hangout. I saw so much potential.
He stands before the window/ His shadow slowly fading from the wall/ And from an ivory tower hears her call/ 'Let the light surround you'/ Once lost but I was found/ When I heard the/ stained glass shatter all around me/ I sent the spirits tumbling down the hill/ But I will hold this one on high above me still/ She whispers words to clear my mind/ I once could see but now at last I'm blind/ I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye/ But I had given all than I could take/ And now I've only habits left to break/ Tonight I'll still be lying here/ Surrounded in all the light
That ending just states that THERE IS SO MUCH POTENTIAL! lol "and now I've only habits to break." the do's and dont's of proper etiquette chasing lol. Cause fuck being a douchebag with her, she deserves me and im going to go with the flow and im not going to be open but still..i have a habit of fucking shit up. Being a douchebag is so easy when you dont have emotions anyways, like i genuinely can care less about anyone i want...or more lol. SO POINTLESS to me. being a douchebag just means i have an off switch and i turn off myself to that person have them come towards me turn it on, then off again. Do that until the girl is attracted by the summary of who that guy is. Its so much harder actually putting your entire personality out on the table and sell it properly. Thats why ive failed all these years but ive refused to do otherwise.
To top it off, It snowed tonight! The first snowday this winter. and it was the night i meet this girl. How magical is that? I enjoyed it by walking home from northeastern as it snowed :] Dont get me wrong, Im not going to get over excited but im just happy to see that there are girls out there for me! Im going to take this really slow. I honestly dont ask for much but i never saw my type now i finally meet one and im like..Thank you. Im just grateful lol
And thank you don for introducing me to her! I know you knew lol.
Morning comes too early and nighttime falls too late/ And sometimes all I want to do is wait/ The shadow I've been hiding in has fled from me today/ I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye/ But I will raise a shelter to the sky/ and here beneath this/ star tonight I'll lie/ She will slowly yield the light/ As I awaken from the longest night
Morning comes too early and nighttime falls too late
And sometimes all I want to do is wait
The shadow I've been hiding in has fled from me today
I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye
But I will raise a shelter to the sky
and here beneath this
star tonight I'll lie
She will slowly yield the light
As I awaken from the longest night
Dreams are shaking
Set sirens waking up tired eyes
With the light the memories all rush into his head
By a candle stands a mirror
Of his heart and soul she dances
She was dancing through the night above his bed
And walking to the window
he throws the shutters out
against the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
'Let light surround you'
It's been a long, long time
He's had awhile to think it over
In the end he only sees the change
Light to dark
Dark to light
Light to dark
Dark to light
Heaven must be more than this
When angels waken with a kiss
Sacred hearts won't take the pain
But mine will never be the same
He stands before the window
His shadow slowly fading from the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
'Let the light surround you'
Once lost but I was found
When I heard the stained glass shatter all around me
I sent the spirits tumbling down the hill
But I will hold this one on high above me still
She whispers words to clear my mind
I once could see but now at last I'm blind
I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye
But I had given all than I could take
And now I've only habits left to break
Tonight I'll still be lying here
Surrounded in all the light
Its a very metaphorical happy song to me. To me, it speaks of hope when it says "let the light surround me." This song...i cant define it. The character in the lyrics are struggling between staying positive and motivated and being aware of what hes gone through. just read it and then read my blogpost and youll understand.
I have so much to write in this blog! omg where do i start!! I guess i can work along with the lyrics so lets backtrack and summarize. I was clearly at a very low point and i had to eat several punches from life but that didnt stop me. "As I awaken from the longest night/ Dreams are shaking/ Set sirens waking up tired eyes/ With the light the memories all rush into his head" So with that said lets begin the 2 day story of Today .
Today was a very magical day for me. After a full nights rest, yesterday i had a 8am-3pm shift. I was honestly exhausted once i left cause im not used to doing over 6 hours at a time. I went to northeastern and wanted to eat then nap which is what kinda happened. By 4pm i was done eating. Tfk came by and introduced me to her parents and it was a very fun experience:] i havent seen her in a long time and honestly i cant keep up with her via text anymore with my douchebag mindset in lock, she just treats me like a friend but with potential if i got older...so yeah since thats known weve drifted. That doesnt mean that i wasnt welcomed by a genuine smile and open arms for a tight hug even though her parents were right there. After speaking with her for a while and trying to speak mandarin myself and failing with laughs to lighten the mood she left. I thought okay, time to sleep, i plug in my headphones and doze off for not 10 mins.
Bochen comes by and breaths over me, waking me up. (ive learned to sleep lightly manually! a sign of mental awareness thus a sign of meditation) He says, "Wake up! league is about to start and you need to practice!" Apparently he also recruited a guy named po. Po is a solid player and he plays better than me but on my best days i can easily surpass him, the think about it though is that hes a solid player that is better than me on my casual day. Bo is having a hard time deciding who to actually put in to play so he just said whoever practices more will play more. If you dont practice you dont play and if you dont play you dont get a chunk of the prize money if we win. So this bothered me cause bo knew this would push me to reach my potential. So right then A pool table opens up and its for my friend dalieh which is on the 9 ball team in the league, im playing in 8 ball. Bochen said "If you can beat her, then youre improving." i know i cant fuckin beat her on a daily basis, shes a regional 9ball tournament winner. lol I could beat her once and thats on the first game then fail the rest by a ball or two lol. So instead of sleeping im like ughhh now i HAVE to practice so i go and practice. And fail i did but i did give her a run for her money several times. After winning 5 rounds in a row she had to go and bochen tried to play me with his left hand. Lol i beat him 3-1 and he got so mad. Now im struggling to beat his left hand because its pointless playing me with his right, obviously(he taught me everything i know in pool, ive learned so much from him in just the past week). I also refuse to let him give me any ball handicaps so he resulted in playing with his left hand. lol anywho. after bochen leaves i leave as well cause theres no opponents worth playing in the gameroom anymore lol.
I sit with Sam k., a new reader of my blog. Welcome to TruthofKings! "The story of my life after everything, but before everything else" :] I realized that he and i see eye to eye on a very philosophical manner. Just like me, he is a very openminded person and is caught in this dilemma which bothers me veryday. The fact that im full of contradictions because im so openminded. Like me, he is aware of his openmindedness so we were able to discuss how our minds worked. Sam this will be the only time i bring you up on a post...i think well at least directly cause youll probably read this. Read "I See You" It is a bit less...journal like. Excuse the grammar i dont care about it at all cause i vomit on the page. lol
Me and him talk for a while and i really got to know him alot better. I was always curious as to why he had the same style of music as i but now i know. Im still confused as to why you arent into lyrics but that could be left for another time. During this sit i realized alot of things. I realized that i am very close to happiness and i dont even notice it. "Happiness is something you achieve when you are satisfied with what you have. but yet, happiness is something you gain by being selfless" How do you give without changing? I feel like the act of giving takes from you therefore if you are giving that means you are trying to find happiness by making others happy through sacrifice but does that not mean that you are not content with yourself? In order to find complete happiness you must find the balance inbetween the two.
After talking to him i told to myself FINALLY i can sleep and i nap for 15 mins until chris calls me about a dubstep concert downstairs. We saw DJ Blauw and he was freakin Awesome! after that i drink with him and big thomas and we have a good ol wasted wednesday lol. It was alot of fun until i realized i didnt get to sleep im still exhausted and im sleeping late. I actually had a 7am shift the next day and i slept at 230. So kinda tipsy and completely exhausted with 3 hours of sleep i go into my second day at work for an 8 hour shift.
Now ill begin the real story lol TODAY!
So today i worked from 7-3 and i was tired as fuck afterwards. One of my favs texted me twice and called me twice cause she wanted to hang out in chinatown. Ive been ignoring her so shes been more persistant. I didnt get her messages until 4 hours later lol I actually talked to her on the phone tonight and like usual it was a very awesome conversation. She knows i like her even though shes taken but she doesnt care at this point. She doesnt have any more feelings for her boyfriend anymore and shes trying to hang out with me as much as possible. I told her "we could hang out monday and wait until i get my first paycheck before i think about wifeying you up cause if im not man enough to support you then i want you to know that." I decide to go to campus to see what was going on and after establishing that there was nothing, i went home to sleep.
Don (my friend) has been notifying me that he has brought something from umass amherst for me and that he'll bring it thursday (today) so i was suppose to hang out with him at 5. I got home at 4 exhausted and after showering i slept from 5-7 and i was like sorry donvu i need sleep. He tells me to suit up and meet him in front of the gameroom so i get on campus and i meet him at 8. I felt terrible but i went to curry and i was expecting to see him and kevin suited up ready to go somewhere or something but kevin was just there and he said, "Don will be back soon so yeah.." and i ask him about why donvu wanted me to suit up and he says that don wanted me to meet someone and im thinking wtf? so i go into the gameroom bored.
I shoot a couple games of pool then i see donvu come in with a cute girl behind her. I find out that she has the same name as my sister and that don is trying to hook me up with her lol. Before i find that out though they sit there and watch me finish 2 rounds with some guy in pool. I started feeling very awkward so i started loosing. For some reason there was alot of awkwardness in the air so i try to find the source. Thats when i start to talk to her and i found out she likes to longboard, she likes full metal alchemist and all the tv shows i do, she likes the same music i do (Dream theater in specific she said i LOVE that band!), she has a science major, and she likes adventures and to be outdoorsy. Im completely mindblown and i think...this girl is the girl version of me! I wait until shes taking a poolshot and i talk to don and thats when i found out his intentions. We chill for a bit and i teach her how to play pool. I soon grow tired of it so i decided to call chris and see what hes doing. I go over to his place and chill with don and her and we just sit in a circle and talk and laugh. Shes kinda quiet but she kept up with the conversation, I was very curious whenever anything came out of her mouth because i knew me and her had so much in common. I could tell she was a very sheltered person and thats why she was oozing awkwardness. I went with the flow of the conversation and when i noticed she was falling out i would start a small conversation with just her and when i do talk to her directly im mindblown. She knows so much about longboarding and we talked for 15 minutes about the different trucks, wheels, boards and what type of longboarding we specialize in. i got her to laugh a little bit talking about longboarding and i would have kept going forever but i decided to instead use that to bring her back into the conversation with the guys. She leaves and thats it. 10 mins later she texts me saying, "Hey! Don gave me your number- i forgot to ask you before i left. Nice meeting you and thanks for the pool tips! :) and we start texting! haha
Im just laughing at life..how life can hand me something like this once i chose to be a douchebag and conform. Its like life is like, "NO! what you were doing before is the right thing! be yourself. Ive never met a girl that ive had so much in common with before its insane haha. I wanted to be a douchebag so that i could conform and find someone that wasnt my type but then they throw something like this at me! haha I cannot fuck this up. Lauren she actually reminds me alot of you but shes actually more similar to me LOL :D she has the feminine features of lauren but the awesome features of me. omg. I look in her eyes and i see lauren, she listens and shes openminded and she genuinely cares. The awkwardness i just found out because don kevin and bochen were gossiping about me and her and bochen told me she just got out of a serious relationship so im pretty sure thats why she made it so awkward. She does martial arts too! and that feeling of outward awkwardness was so profound even though she spoke in a casual manner, let me find out that she knows how to meditate too. Lol. There was just alot but nothing in that hangout. I saw so much potential.
He stands before the window/ His shadow slowly fading from the wall/ And from an ivory tower hears her call/ 'Let the light surround you'/ Once lost but I was found/ When I heard the/ stained glass shatter all around me/ I sent the spirits tumbling down the hill/ But I will hold this one on high above me still/ She whispers words to clear my mind/ I once could see but now at last I'm blind/ I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye/ But I had given all than I could take/ And now I've only habits left to break/ Tonight I'll still be lying here/ Surrounded in all the light
That ending just states that THERE IS SO MUCH POTENTIAL! lol "and now I've only habits to break." the do's and dont's of proper etiquette chasing lol. Cause fuck being a douchebag with her, she deserves me and im going to go with the flow and im not going to be open but still..i have a habit of fucking shit up. Being a douchebag is so easy when you dont have emotions anyways, like i genuinely can care less about anyone i want...or more lol. SO POINTLESS to me. being a douchebag just means i have an off switch and i turn off myself to that person have them come towards me turn it on, then off again. Do that until the girl is attracted by the summary of who that guy is. Its so much harder actually putting your entire personality out on the table and sell it properly. Thats why ive failed all these years but ive refused to do otherwise.
To top it off, It snowed tonight! The first snowday this winter. and it was the night i meet this girl. How magical is that? I enjoyed it by walking home from northeastern as it snowed :] Dont get me wrong, Im not going to get over excited but im just happy to see that there are girls out there for me! Im going to take this really slow. I honestly dont ask for much but i never saw my type now i finally meet one and im like..Thank you. Im just grateful lol
And thank you don for introducing me to her! I know you knew lol.
Morning comes too early and nighttime falls too late/ And sometimes all I want to do is wait/ The shadow I've been hiding in has fled from me today/ I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye/ But I will raise a shelter to the sky/ and here beneath this/ star tonight I'll lie/ She will slowly yield the light/ As I awaken from the longest night
Monday, January 16, 2012
Douchebag
Let the new social experiment begin! #409820849 lol. Im going to act like a douchebag from now on. I just dont see the point in it honestly. But hell you know what ill give it a go. Ive been invited to go swimming with two of my favs but i said no. I was invited to watch a movie 1 on 1 with another then a dinner and movie another. I said no to all of them! what am i left with? i very boring lifestyle lol. but hey, lets try it out. Im flipping over a new leaf and starting from scratch so i rejected these girls at least twice and i also cut it short with the conolis girl...dont think i was suppose to do that...she actually was a really cool girl and honestly she doesnt play the game so whoops. but anywho other girls im going to give it a couple days and ask how it went haha make them laugh and shit then ignore them again.
Thing about me is im a universal guy. I just figured that in the end being a nice guy builds the best relationships. I know alot of guys that hide so much from their girl for the first like...5-6 months. That is so stupid because they are in the relationship to be with you, not some figment of you. lol. At least thats how i see it. Getting to know someone is only half the battle to me, is what i learned from being in so many natural relationships. But hell. starting today, sign me up. Ill play the game. Watch me win and say, "this shit is stupid." but dont tell my future girl that. lololol.
As you can see im alive and motherfucking kicking and glad to be! But im bored because i hang out with girls alot and now i said no to hanging out with all of them. That must have threw them all in a blur because i never do that! haha im the friendzone guy that makes them laugh and takes care of them because their fucking boyfriends cant. lol. But you know what? I need to get laid. True story. I havent gotten ass in the past like..2 months. Thats a problem for me. When im not the nice guy im usually at the parties picking up dirty nasties lol but i havent been to any parties recently that allows me to do so! Im known by my buddies to be that guy that is making out with a girl 5 minutes after going into a party because the girl knows im there to play. lol but there are no parties! blah! i can foresee it already, this semester is going to get progressively drier. My friends are maturing and parties are turning more into bars. Thats why im getting my fake soon. But i have no place to bring girls back to so yeahh, ill have to mosey my way back in to the game lol. Swag. Call me a scumbag idc. Market is running low and men have needs! I only get older while the freshmen...there will forever be freshmen. lol dont hate the player hate the game lol.
So! social experiment is underway. unfortunately i cant treat lauren any differently cause shes actually leaving this sunday and i actually really want to see her lol. LAURENNN WHY U NO HANG OUT WITH ME?! T_T lolol.
You see now im making moves but im sitting right here. Its like when i went through that period of being super open not too long ago..the others there are just so many...some more profound than others. lol There was one period of time where i refused to pick up a girl without using a corny pickup line. lol. like Damn girl. and shell be like what. and ill be like..im not sure which is dirtier, my drink or you dancing with me. lol. It was a funny period of time where i just made corny pickup lines but theyre funny...it makes the girl laugh lol. then they think im a dork and i take it to that next step then blow her mind lol.
This is a fun blogpost haha. im ready to do shit up! gotta do a alot of internship research though so ttyl!
Thing about me is im a universal guy. I just figured that in the end being a nice guy builds the best relationships. I know alot of guys that hide so much from their girl for the first like...5-6 months. That is so stupid because they are in the relationship to be with you, not some figment of you. lol. At least thats how i see it. Getting to know someone is only half the battle to me, is what i learned from being in so many natural relationships. But hell. starting today, sign me up. Ill play the game. Watch me win and say, "this shit is stupid." but dont tell my future girl that. lololol.
As you can see im alive and motherfucking kicking and glad to be! But im bored because i hang out with girls alot and now i said no to hanging out with all of them. That must have threw them all in a blur because i never do that! haha im the friendzone guy that makes them laugh and takes care of them because their fucking boyfriends cant. lol. But you know what? I need to get laid. True story. I havent gotten ass in the past like..2 months. Thats a problem for me. When im not the nice guy im usually at the parties picking up dirty nasties lol but i havent been to any parties recently that allows me to do so! Im known by my buddies to be that guy that is making out with a girl 5 minutes after going into a party because the girl knows im there to play. lol but there are no parties! blah! i can foresee it already, this semester is going to get progressively drier. My friends are maturing and parties are turning more into bars. Thats why im getting my fake soon. But i have no place to bring girls back to so yeahh, ill have to mosey my way back in to the game lol. Swag. Call me a scumbag idc. Market is running low and men have needs! I only get older while the freshmen...there will forever be freshmen. lol dont hate the player hate the game lol.
So! social experiment is underway. unfortunately i cant treat lauren any differently cause shes actually leaving this sunday and i actually really want to see her lol. LAURENNN WHY U NO HANG OUT WITH ME?! T_T lolol.
You see now im making moves but im sitting right here. Its like when i went through that period of being super open not too long ago..the others there are just so many...some more profound than others. lol There was one period of time where i refused to pick up a girl without using a corny pickup line. lol. like Damn girl. and shell be like what. and ill be like..im not sure which is dirtier, my drink or you dancing with me. lol. It was a funny period of time where i just made corny pickup lines but theyre funny...it makes the girl laugh lol. then they think im a dork and i take it to that next step then blow her mind lol.
This is a fun blogpost haha. im ready to do shit up! gotta do a alot of internship research though so ttyl!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Last night
Was fuckin crazy. ahha i was practicing pool. Anh texted me and was like we should hang out and i ended up giving up those plans for more practice cause i was really trying to work on my draw. BTW for some reason i naturally learned how to masse. LOL now that im starting to use my cue again and really getting serious when i play so im excited to see im picking up things along the way. Of course i told myself...i cant believe i just gave up plans with a girl for pool...haha but you know im going with the flow, i was definitely pumped to make up for it the night of.
Which is exactly what happened! I took alot of shots bro. then i smoked up the dealer and some bros and we had a blast haha. It was the first party of the semester i wanna say so i wanted to make it awesome. This experience with weed was COMPLETELY opposite than the last one. I was reallly laid back and my mind was empty but my swag was on blast. This dude was actually getting pissed cause i was close to taking his "girl" and her friends all home with me LOL i guess what happen was theyre fuck buddies or something? it was way too easy for me to talk her up for her to be taken. And well at the end of the night they saw me and arthur getting into the car and i was like...we got a ride..and shes like yeah sure! and the guys like no thats okay. and they grab the cab that miraculously popped up from nowhere. There was alot of potential last night but there was no after party! haha me and arthur ended up chilling in the car and i was really happy, i felt myself smiling lol. Not a single Fuck was given last night. and i felt arthur getting wacked out and im like..what..what are you doin bro? and he was mad that he didnt pick anyone up...which was when i was like....wtf? i look in the passenger seats and were the only ones in the car! everyone left the party and walked. even chris and hes crippled. lol. I dont understand why noone followed us to the car but eh..at the end i got a ride home happy as fuck at like 5am and knocked ut until 5pm. now im at home bored as shit and i cant believe they are partying again. LOL im like...yeah ima sit out tonight. There were alot of attractive girls there but surprisingly i was only interested in the taken ones cause only the taken ones were hot. yeah im a douchebag lol.
But hey i put bros first and like for the dude that said hed rather take the cab i didnt say anything and was like hey, do that you gotta do, enjoy your night..even though you have two other average girls behind your hot girl. I shrugged it off and was just really just content. haha
anywho enough of that mess..cause thats exactly what it is..a mess. lol My life is back...and better!! yay! starting a job monday...got several applications for internships sent registered for courses im freakin stoked haha. I cant waste NO more time. holy shit on rice. Getting my fake soon. My life will soon be the best its been in honestly...ever. Will my fake and my internship i finally am taking that step that connects present me to future me. along with my stable and higher paying job and classes...you dont understand for a man like me that gets off on productivity..im stoked. lol Once this is all in gear...give it a month. Study for my permit while thats in motion and id say the next time i put my head back in the game would be after i take the permit test...that sounds fair. Unless another girl pops into my life..
I unfortunately lost touch of tfk. Sometime within this past two weeks i guess we just stopped texting and i forgot to text back...so i tried today and well..didnt get a response yet *shrugs* were just friends so ill just wait for when i see her in the poolroom again.
This girl, that i should not quite name yet because shes quite the interesting one. She added me as a friend and every so often we have all out conversations on each others wall. She wants to grab some cannolis, but i told her since im working as of next week and scheduling meetings with several of my mentors to tell them i havent died and am doing great itll be hard to find any time. lol i have mostly am shifts...like fucking..6am shifts. Goddamnit thomas LITERALLY my first shift is a 6am shift. wtf. lol.
Oh not to mention everyone in revolve(im friends with everyone in the dancecrew) really wants me to audition again. Ive never performed before and actually believe it or not i have really bad stage fright lol. Youd think a crazy outgoing guy like me would be the same when a group of people are watching but noo. So ive never performed...after 5th grade cause everyone performs in elementary school, whether it is mary had a little lamb or top hit christmas songs but thats besides the point. I went into the first revolve practice high because i thought okay...i dance all the time when im high thats what i do lol. like last night i was doing shit up. aha but yeah i completely failed during audition. Alot of the talented revolve crew members, such as kanji, has seen me dance before high and idk if im good or not but kanjis like...you should audition lol. Itd be a blast, i think. but that would make my schedule even more busy! haha its one of my to do's before leaving college though, learn how to dance good enough to just freestyle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn90iyutb7I&list=LLdhZIHj5DkWk8xZthCr7Bng&index=2&feature=plpp_video I love this chereo! the music is great and the chereo is so creative! one of my favorite parts starts at 2:10 ish the tuting is sick and what they do with the drop is so badass haha the entire thing is awesome ahha
So i have alot on my plate..figuratively but not literally. I remember when i was trashed i was talking to some girl and this...tank...just comes and butts in. i dont rmemeber what i was talking about but i was enjoying the conversation and immediately sobered up when i saw her cause she looked like..uh.only i was thinking wait im drunk how the hell can she still be so fucking ugly. LOL but she asked one question, "Do you watch jersey shore?" and im like Yeaa BUDDY lol. and shes like i knew it! you seem guido like. and i didnt know whether or not to take that as an insult or a compliment but i smiled and was like...cool beans! you know haha. To be honest i havent watched that show in a very long time cause it gets boring you know? its fun getting to know how stupid each character is and the characterization is fun but after you know that then the reality show, to me, is just plain ol drama..and there is no such thing as "good drama". Thats my motto lol. but yeah thinking about it now id take that as a compliment i guess. I make sure im a fresh ass mother fucker and she just called me ripped so hey i havent been to the gym in a long time and for a hefty chick to call a skinny asian dude like me ripped hey pound it.wurd. If im a guido that also means im obnoxious but yeah i am...im a family man sure i am. And im a complete and utter douchebag. Sure! i guess haha im pretty bro im not going to lie. I mean im a fuckin pushover with ladies but when im with the dudes im such a bro. lol UNLESS i just heard things cause i was really fuckin baked. lol hey i could imagine awesomeness when im baked too :P Lauren do i come off as a guido? lol
Umm well other than that i guess im going to sleep haha again..feels like i woke up only several hours ago since i woke up at 5 fucking pm today...i missed ALL of the sunlight lolol
Edit: im beginning to understand why relationships and i just dont work. Ive been in three but ive never actually gotten into a relationship after a chase before. I dont know how to treat a girl if it wasnt just a natural chemistry. True story. I guess thats why i was so surprised with theresa cause i coulda sworn it was natural but hell. You can say i know nothing about the game, essentially. i talk a lot about it but i know nothing of it. I dont understand how and why guys would ignore a female they are interested in and somehow after ignoring them and play hard to get enough the girl sticks with him and the guy either continues to be a douchebag or becomes the nice guy? idk. Nor do i get the reasoning behind the test of patience to be the thing that gets you with a girl when during the relationship its about trust. I see relationships which work like that, which quite frankly is all relationships these days, i see them as so unhealthy. Ughh i cant stand the game. Thats why i try to stop playing haha. I mean it seems like what i have to do is treat girls like nothings in my life and the flock onto my dick. Ive seen it happen but why would i want to do that? such a surfacey way of looking for a girl and honestly i dont want a girl that must come on her knees for me, i dont care how hot she is it makes woman look pathetic and yet women insist on playing this role or else they dont want to be with you. Who the fuck ok'd this behavior? Idk apparently my way of playing the game has utterly failed but i refuse to degrade a female im interested in. it completely ruins the prize. I wish to trump the game one day. To win by lack of competition lol. im going to win by simply being awesome. I just dont understand females...You want to be treated like nothing but then you want to be treated like a princess? uhh ima just wait for a girl that knows wtf shes doing lol
Which is exactly what happened! I took alot of shots bro. then i smoked up the dealer and some bros and we had a blast haha. It was the first party of the semester i wanna say so i wanted to make it awesome. This experience with weed was COMPLETELY opposite than the last one. I was reallly laid back and my mind was empty but my swag was on blast. This dude was actually getting pissed cause i was close to taking his "girl" and her friends all home with me LOL i guess what happen was theyre fuck buddies or something? it was way too easy for me to talk her up for her to be taken. And well at the end of the night they saw me and arthur getting into the car and i was like...we got a ride..and shes like yeah sure! and the guys like no thats okay. and they grab the cab that miraculously popped up from nowhere. There was alot of potential last night but there was no after party! haha me and arthur ended up chilling in the car and i was really happy, i felt myself smiling lol. Not a single Fuck was given last night. and i felt arthur getting wacked out and im like..what..what are you doin bro? and he was mad that he didnt pick anyone up...which was when i was like....wtf? i look in the passenger seats and were the only ones in the car! everyone left the party and walked. even chris and hes crippled. lol. I dont understand why noone followed us to the car but eh..at the end i got a ride home happy as fuck at like 5am and knocked ut until 5pm. now im at home bored as shit and i cant believe they are partying again. LOL im like...yeah ima sit out tonight. There were alot of attractive girls there but surprisingly i was only interested in the taken ones cause only the taken ones were hot. yeah im a douchebag lol.
But hey i put bros first and like for the dude that said hed rather take the cab i didnt say anything and was like hey, do that you gotta do, enjoy your night..even though you have two other average girls behind your hot girl. I shrugged it off and was just really just content. haha
anywho enough of that mess..cause thats exactly what it is..a mess. lol My life is back...and better!! yay! starting a job monday...got several applications for internships sent registered for courses im freakin stoked haha. I cant waste NO more time. holy shit on rice. Getting my fake soon. My life will soon be the best its been in honestly...ever. Will my fake and my internship i finally am taking that step that connects present me to future me. along with my stable and higher paying job and classes...you dont understand for a man like me that gets off on productivity..im stoked. lol Once this is all in gear...give it a month. Study for my permit while thats in motion and id say the next time i put my head back in the game would be after i take the permit test...that sounds fair. Unless another girl pops into my life..
I unfortunately lost touch of tfk. Sometime within this past two weeks i guess we just stopped texting and i forgot to text back...so i tried today and well..didnt get a response yet *shrugs* were just friends so ill just wait for when i see her in the poolroom again.
This girl, that i should not quite name yet because shes quite the interesting one. She added me as a friend and every so often we have all out conversations on each others wall. She wants to grab some cannolis, but i told her since im working as of next week and scheduling meetings with several of my mentors to tell them i havent died and am doing great itll be hard to find any time. lol i have mostly am shifts...like fucking..6am shifts. Goddamnit thomas LITERALLY my first shift is a 6am shift. wtf. lol.
Oh not to mention everyone in revolve(im friends with everyone in the dancecrew) really wants me to audition again. Ive never performed before and actually believe it or not i have really bad stage fright lol. Youd think a crazy outgoing guy like me would be the same when a group of people are watching but noo. So ive never performed...after 5th grade cause everyone performs in elementary school, whether it is mary had a little lamb or top hit christmas songs but thats besides the point. I went into the first revolve practice high because i thought okay...i dance all the time when im high thats what i do lol. like last night i was doing shit up. aha but yeah i completely failed during audition. Alot of the talented revolve crew members, such as kanji, has seen me dance before high and idk if im good or not but kanjis like...you should audition lol. Itd be a blast, i think. but that would make my schedule even more busy! haha its one of my to do's before leaving college though, learn how to dance good enough to just freestyle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn90iyutb7I&list=LLdhZIHj5DkWk8xZthCr7Bng&index=2&feature=plpp_video I love this chereo! the music is great and the chereo is so creative! one of my favorite parts starts at 2:10 ish the tuting is sick and what they do with the drop is so badass haha the entire thing is awesome ahha
So i have alot on my plate..figuratively but not literally. I remember when i was trashed i was talking to some girl and this...tank...just comes and butts in. i dont rmemeber what i was talking about but i was enjoying the conversation and immediately sobered up when i saw her cause she looked like..uh.only i was thinking wait im drunk how the hell can she still be so fucking ugly. LOL but she asked one question, "Do you watch jersey shore?" and im like Yeaa BUDDY lol. and shes like i knew it! you seem guido like. and i didnt know whether or not to take that as an insult or a compliment but i smiled and was like...cool beans! you know haha. To be honest i havent watched that show in a very long time cause it gets boring you know? its fun getting to know how stupid each character is and the characterization is fun but after you know that then the reality show, to me, is just plain ol drama..and there is no such thing as "good drama". Thats my motto lol. but yeah thinking about it now id take that as a compliment i guess. I make sure im a fresh ass mother fucker and she just called me ripped so hey i havent been to the gym in a long time and for a hefty chick to call a skinny asian dude like me ripped hey pound it.wurd. If im a guido that also means im obnoxious but yeah i am...im a family man sure i am. And im a complete and utter douchebag. Sure! i guess haha im pretty bro im not going to lie. I mean im a fuckin pushover with ladies but when im with the dudes im such a bro. lol UNLESS i just heard things cause i was really fuckin baked. lol hey i could imagine awesomeness when im baked too :P Lauren do i come off as a guido? lol
Umm well other than that i guess im going to sleep haha again..feels like i woke up only several hours ago since i woke up at 5 fucking pm today...i missed ALL of the sunlight lolol
Edit: im beginning to understand why relationships and i just dont work. Ive been in three but ive never actually gotten into a relationship after a chase before. I dont know how to treat a girl if it wasnt just a natural chemistry. True story. I guess thats why i was so surprised with theresa cause i coulda sworn it was natural but hell. You can say i know nothing about the game, essentially. i talk a lot about it but i know nothing of it. I dont understand how and why guys would ignore a female they are interested in and somehow after ignoring them and play hard to get enough the girl sticks with him and the guy either continues to be a douchebag or becomes the nice guy? idk. Nor do i get the reasoning behind the test of patience to be the thing that gets you with a girl when during the relationship its about trust. I see relationships which work like that, which quite frankly is all relationships these days, i see them as so unhealthy. Ughh i cant stand the game. Thats why i try to stop playing haha. I mean it seems like what i have to do is treat girls like nothings in my life and the flock onto my dick. Ive seen it happen but why would i want to do that? such a surfacey way of looking for a girl and honestly i dont want a girl that must come on her knees for me, i dont care how hot she is it makes woman look pathetic and yet women insist on playing this role or else they dont want to be with you. Who the fuck ok'd this behavior? Idk apparently my way of playing the game has utterly failed but i refuse to degrade a female im interested in. it completely ruins the prize. I wish to trump the game one day. To win by lack of competition lol. im going to win by simply being awesome. I just dont understand females...You want to be treated like nothing but then you want to be treated like a princess? uhh ima just wait for a girl that knows wtf shes doing lol
Friday, January 13, 2012
Diagnose
Ive been trying to blog but its hard. idk what to write about because there is this pain i feel. Ever since the mental meltdown ive been having chest pains that leave me gripping my chest for a couple minutes like my heart skipped one two many beats and out of wack due to uncoordinated circulation, if thats possible. I havent told anyone about this because it hasnt really bothered me. Its just me living on the edge like usual.
Ive been coming off as a very happy person and i truely am content...but to a certain extent. Its the combination of the chest pains, my nightmares, the way i feel in the mornings, the way i have to force myself to sleep at night, and actually the madness that as crept into my daily life that is ridiculous. Its becoming harder for me to believe that i got out of that meltdown unscathed. Ive been through so many mental breakdowns that they actually became my way of learning, they dont bother me like they do for any other person... but that, wasnt a normal breakdown. Im understanding that im holding a lot inside and even i cant access it. I think my subconscious-self said, "NOPE, Fuck that shit! youre NOT doing this again." And then threw it down the deepest darkest hole i know. Right now by typing about it i feel constant mild chest pains. These emotions are clearly strong enough to effect my physical body so i need to make it a comfy pillow or something to lay on while i tackle it head on.
I guess these chest pains are fear. Fear that insanity is so close by. Actually if you noticed i changed my blog title from YTINASNI to Truthofkings because i thought ive gotten past that part of me. YTINASNI is insanity backwards. I wrote it backwards to remind myself that insanity is close behind but it should be left behind. I changed it to truthofkings because i thought it was left behind and im in a safe haven now. I should be far enough away from my old self for me to ever be able to even relate to my oldself. As shown from my recovery this may be true to an extent but damn.
You dont understand how it feels to be drowned in stress. Your head feels like its going to split in two and you want to scream as a rush of every emotion comes to you at once which soon turns completely foul due to the pressure and the indescribable feeling of every emotion working against one another. Complete madness suddenly engulfs your head and you cant think. Its complete and utter chaos that can send anyones head into lala land. like seriously your brain will fry, so it feels. I fought it the night of and the only way to fight insanity is with hope and reason. Keep reminding myself that there is a world around me and that life matters and others matter and my head isnt just a black hole haha. Try to find the emotion that first started the war and say...STOP..STOP IT. Thats why i can never feel jealousy. I erased that emotion from me a long ago, I know i can feel it again, but i choose not to by decision. Jealousy is the easiest way for me to go nuts. There is nothing to stop jealousy and its such a counter productive emotion. Once you feel jealous you try not to feel jealous but you just get more jealous and it becomes a plague. Then, of course, you you try to be happy and that gets into the mix but then saddness is thrown in then anger, distress, confusion and bam...complete and utter chaos. I know when im ready to propose to a girl when i trust and feel so comfortable around her that i know ill never need to feel jealousy for the rest of my life.
Im not saying im going to go loco i definitely have it in check but these reactions really have been bothering me. As you can tell though there is a wall holding it back its actually getting tempered with typing this post because of the constant chest pains and the uncomfort im feeling. There is no rhyme or reason to insanity in my head, its sole objective is to allow my head to be completely wiped and fry so that anger can take over and raid everything lol. My insanity is simply the amount of stress i was carrying when i was in 9th grade in order to keep my anger in check haha. So theres a bigger beast behind this shit LOL. ah the crazy psychopathic life of thomas. The only reason why i had so much stress is because id use the stress to get angry and with the anger id use it to meditate and do crazy shit. It doesnt take much stress to get someone angry so if my body is hiding this much insanity, imagine how much anger is behind that. Lol. Thats why im scared.
What i told myself though, if you flip back like...20 blogpost is that im trying to just accept my past and welcome it as a part of me in an optimistic manner, tell people my story like its a once upon a time and its something that made me who i am. I tell myself that this is why ive been feeling insecure and why insanity has crept its way back. Its because even though i havent said anything about it when i write something in my blog, i fucking mean it. Thats why it helps me with my memory because i materialize this thought and even though im not thinking about it im working on it. So im writing a story of myself, for myself to better myself. I shouldnt worry about this insanity because it honestly isnt close at all. Its just that i opened a door i shut a long time ago and im seeing it all again just now but hopefully this is a sign that im making progress. Im changing into 1 person. Soon itll weave itself into my life, might take months or years of remembering things as they were, biting down accepting it then continuing but hey you know. This is how it should be. I realized this talking to my friend because he has a problem with purging and he saw this as an urgent matter. Mind you hes seen my manic side before, hes a very close friend of mind that unfortunately was brought into this mess. Now he has a problem with purging but hes a VERY smart guy, hes also gay and has been infatuated with me for the past 4 years >.>...but ive been rejecting him since cause im not gay. lol.
I told him "If you're too busy worrying about the present of course youre going to hate yourself. the present is always the worse place to live in because people are forever trying to better themselves. Instead of worrying about youre purging problems think about future problems and how that might affect your future plans." Many times when youre stuck between a rock and a hotspot just think of it in that manner and it should do the trick. Most of the time youre going to come to the realization that huh...this is only a phase that i have to get to to learn this. TADA! you fixed youre problem. You see, thats why i have my shit on lock because even though my insanity is troubling me i got it in check because im simply thinking this is me in the present really trying to push through shit, of course its going to look ugly. Whether or not the result of it is going to be worthwhile is what i should be thinking about.
Sometimes people have bad habits but yu know, they make them who they are i cant say anyone in this world is "normal." at least none of my friends. I like it like that because i feel like i belong. I have loose ends and im clearly a bit mental but i got shit under control. Problem now will be fucking completely cleaning up this mess so i can focus on my job, internship, and classes which are all coming very soon. Im glad i finally got that off my chest because the chest pains has loosened up..lol.
Youre not done yet thomas, far from it. You have a wonderful life ahead of you whether you know it or not. Dont let this month bother you. haha
Maybe i just need to go to the gym again, i remember how i felt when i went to the gym last time and i seriously was just tense completely spent but just the most relieved i ever was. It was like wild angry sex. Lol Maybe this is just my testosterone...Because i taught my body that raw power comes from stress at a young age. That is actually a very likely possibility. You wouldnt like me to punch you if i got angry XD Dont underestimate a small guy especially when i know a thing or two about chi lol. FUS RO DAH! lol
Edit:
I need to fix my grammar! holy shit. you can tell when i get really into a blogpost though when i have alot of run ons and terrible grammar. lol I type the way i think and i vomit onto the page so when its run a run-on on paper its actually one thought in my head. The hiccups mid sentence that suddenly break into a different topic or lacks punctuation or is a fragmented statement means i want to get that thought out. Just think it write it, dont want to sit on it AT ALL. lol Just pick up my, i guess, mood and body language by how bad my grammar gets please. Im just getting annoyed now because im beginning to write a lot more professional emails and take more professional phone calls. Hell, im wearing a suit right now. lol Tell me i dont grip my life by the horns and im a failure and i WILL. FUCK. YOU. UP. BOYYIEEE lol
Ive been coming off as a very happy person and i truely am content...but to a certain extent. Its the combination of the chest pains, my nightmares, the way i feel in the mornings, the way i have to force myself to sleep at night, and actually the madness that as crept into my daily life that is ridiculous. Its becoming harder for me to believe that i got out of that meltdown unscathed. Ive been through so many mental breakdowns that they actually became my way of learning, they dont bother me like they do for any other person... but that, wasnt a normal breakdown. Im understanding that im holding a lot inside and even i cant access it. I think my subconscious-self said, "NOPE, Fuck that shit! youre NOT doing this again." And then threw it down the deepest darkest hole i know. Right now by typing about it i feel constant mild chest pains. These emotions are clearly strong enough to effect my physical body so i need to make it a comfy pillow or something to lay on while i tackle it head on.
I guess these chest pains are fear. Fear that insanity is so close by. Actually if you noticed i changed my blog title from YTINASNI to Truthofkings because i thought ive gotten past that part of me. YTINASNI is insanity backwards. I wrote it backwards to remind myself that insanity is close behind but it should be left behind. I changed it to truthofkings because i thought it was left behind and im in a safe haven now. I should be far enough away from my old self for me to ever be able to even relate to my oldself. As shown from my recovery this may be true to an extent but damn.
You dont understand how it feels to be drowned in stress. Your head feels like its going to split in two and you want to scream as a rush of every emotion comes to you at once which soon turns completely foul due to the pressure and the indescribable feeling of every emotion working against one another. Complete madness suddenly engulfs your head and you cant think. Its complete and utter chaos that can send anyones head into lala land. like seriously your brain will fry, so it feels. I fought it the night of and the only way to fight insanity is with hope and reason. Keep reminding myself that there is a world around me and that life matters and others matter and my head isnt just a black hole haha. Try to find the emotion that first started the war and say...STOP..STOP IT. Thats why i can never feel jealousy. I erased that emotion from me a long ago, I know i can feel it again, but i choose not to by decision. Jealousy is the easiest way for me to go nuts. There is nothing to stop jealousy and its such a counter productive emotion. Once you feel jealous you try not to feel jealous but you just get more jealous and it becomes a plague. Then, of course, you you try to be happy and that gets into the mix but then saddness is thrown in then anger, distress, confusion and bam...complete and utter chaos. I know when im ready to propose to a girl when i trust and feel so comfortable around her that i know ill never need to feel jealousy for the rest of my life.
Im not saying im going to go loco i definitely have it in check but these reactions really have been bothering me. As you can tell though there is a wall holding it back its actually getting tempered with typing this post because of the constant chest pains and the uncomfort im feeling. There is no rhyme or reason to insanity in my head, its sole objective is to allow my head to be completely wiped and fry so that anger can take over and raid everything lol. My insanity is simply the amount of stress i was carrying when i was in 9th grade in order to keep my anger in check haha. So theres a bigger beast behind this shit LOL. ah the crazy psychopathic life of thomas. The only reason why i had so much stress is because id use the stress to get angry and with the anger id use it to meditate and do crazy shit. It doesnt take much stress to get someone angry so if my body is hiding this much insanity, imagine how much anger is behind that. Lol. Thats why im scared.
What i told myself though, if you flip back like...20 blogpost is that im trying to just accept my past and welcome it as a part of me in an optimistic manner, tell people my story like its a once upon a time and its something that made me who i am. I tell myself that this is why ive been feeling insecure and why insanity has crept its way back. Its because even though i havent said anything about it when i write something in my blog, i fucking mean it. Thats why it helps me with my memory because i materialize this thought and even though im not thinking about it im working on it. So im writing a story of myself, for myself to better myself. I shouldnt worry about this insanity because it honestly isnt close at all. Its just that i opened a door i shut a long time ago and im seeing it all again just now but hopefully this is a sign that im making progress. Im changing into 1 person. Soon itll weave itself into my life, might take months or years of remembering things as they were, biting down accepting it then continuing but hey you know. This is how it should be. I realized this talking to my friend because he has a problem with purging and he saw this as an urgent matter. Mind you hes seen my manic side before, hes a very close friend of mind that unfortunately was brought into this mess. Now he has a problem with purging but hes a VERY smart guy, hes also gay and has been infatuated with me for the past 4 years >.>...but ive been rejecting him since cause im not gay. lol.
I told him "If you're too busy worrying about the present of course youre going to hate yourself. the present is always the worse place to live in because people are forever trying to better themselves. Instead of worrying about youre purging problems think about future problems and how that might affect your future plans." Many times when youre stuck between a rock and a hotspot just think of it in that manner and it should do the trick. Most of the time youre going to come to the realization that huh...this is only a phase that i have to get to to learn this. TADA! you fixed youre problem. You see, thats why i have my shit on lock because even though my insanity is troubling me i got it in check because im simply thinking this is me in the present really trying to push through shit, of course its going to look ugly. Whether or not the result of it is going to be worthwhile is what i should be thinking about.
Sometimes people have bad habits but yu know, they make them who they are i cant say anyone in this world is "normal." at least none of my friends. I like it like that because i feel like i belong. I have loose ends and im clearly a bit mental but i got shit under control. Problem now will be fucking completely cleaning up this mess so i can focus on my job, internship, and classes which are all coming very soon. Im glad i finally got that off my chest because the chest pains has loosened up..lol.
Youre not done yet thomas, far from it. You have a wonderful life ahead of you whether you know it or not. Dont let this month bother you. haha
Maybe i just need to go to the gym again, i remember how i felt when i went to the gym last time and i seriously was just tense completely spent but just the most relieved i ever was. It was like wild angry sex. Lol Maybe this is just my testosterone...Because i taught my body that raw power comes from stress at a young age. That is actually a very likely possibility. You wouldnt like me to punch you if i got angry XD Dont underestimate a small guy especially when i know a thing or two about chi lol. FUS RO DAH! lol
Edit:
I need to fix my grammar! holy shit. you can tell when i get really into a blogpost though when i have alot of run ons and terrible grammar. lol I type the way i think and i vomit onto the page so when its run a run-on on paper its actually one thought in my head. The hiccups mid sentence that suddenly break into a different topic or lacks punctuation or is a fragmented statement means i want to get that thought out. Just think it write it, dont want to sit on it AT ALL. lol Just pick up my, i guess, mood and body language by how bad my grammar gets please. Im just getting annoyed now because im beginning to write a lot more professional emails and take more professional phone calls. Hell, im wearing a suit right now. lol Tell me i dont grip my life by the horns and im a failure and i WILL. FUCK. YOU. UP. BOYYIEEE lol
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Chariot song
With all the shit that happened to me recently im entering a new chapter of my life: Insecurities. after all these years i finally have enough power to fight against it and i feel great. Before it was just me hiding it but now things are actually changeable. For instance, My problems are my money, confidence, communication skills, academics, and love life. Before there was all this madness about how i was a slow learner, i broke everything i touched and all this weird shit. But now my insecurities are actually definable, i can look at specific events in my life and say, "thats what i need to change." its a really good feeling. Yesterday i fixed part of my financial and academic life. Im reallly far behind on these two aspects, i think im actually going to take half a semester off because of this nonsense, i cant study until i know ive at least but in an effort to fix myself. Of course i still have to live. So yesterday i went to an internship buddy program and got my resume into under construction mode.
I joined a 6 month program that allows me to be "buddies" with a sucessful adult with some experience in my field. It just so happens its a successful man named Tom. Hes going to be very close to me for the next year emailing me back and forth building resume, cover letter then getting me a internship! haha
Im also pretty proud to say that after 3 years i got 2 of the best billards players in northeastern to openly invite me to play for their team! they are students as well and im friends with them but you dont understand, ive been waiting for this for a while. Compared to them im years behind and i honestly wont last in the league until the finals but im at a level worthy of teaching since i know deflection and i can run 1 in every 5 tables and keep my opponent from beating me for at least a turn. In the league, pool games last really for no more than 2 turns im excited to play! first place winners get 500 dollars each and my friend said well be in first or second with or without me :]
I need to go to the gym more often. I havent been in a while. I can tell im loosening up and loosing weight because my v necks arent as tight as they used to be. I need to change that. Ive been continuing my diet but without the gym its all just getting burnt out through the sleepless nights and stress.
Speaking of sleepness nights last night i had another nightmare. This time it was directly going for my insecurities again. things such as i cant get a girl since im not good in bed and i know thats not a problem so lol i dont know why i thought that. and idk i dont remember but that part of the dream was pretty funny now that i think of it. Im really turning this into a joking manner even though its pretty painful to live through because well, if im not going to be optimistic and help me get through it, who will? haha
Edit::
I just got my first lesson from bochen. Intense positioning and shooting training that i failed at and he did in one try. lol. idk, i cant do drills i just play XD. me and mike tied up today in 9ball and i beat him in a race to 5. yay. When i just randomly play im kinda on the level of the big 5 but when under pressure or during drills i feel like im just starting to play pool all over again. lol
Im in a really good mood right now so im going to tackle one of my stresses and just let it out. I think we all know what its going to be about.- You know, i typed alot of shit, and i postd it...got it off my chest so i deleted it lol. It looks ugly to read :P
Anywho to better my day even further i got a text from thomas saying "wow, my manager is really excited to work with you, idk what you said but you made a big impression on him." WURD lol
while im trying to enjoy this glory though of all these new improvements underway my bank account is running dry. I only eat one meal a day and since im in school all day studying, reading, hanging out or playing skyrim, now practicing pool. Im loosing serious weight. Why dont i stay at home? because my parents are convinced that im a complete and utter failure because i quit my job and didnt have class so i was going out during awkward hours of the day for 2 weeks. Like really? i do NOT need to hear that word from anyone else right now. I showed them my old reportcard from last semester, all a's and B's. they said its fake and im like OKAY THEN if its fake then why are you complaining to me?! i showed you my grades and you didnt believe me so anything i show you unless its bad youre going to complain. So why the fuck are you talking? seriously, they think im a failure but for all the wrong reasons and thats the last thing i need. just thinking about family right now makes me want to flip a desk point at someone and tell them to shut the fuck up. Ugh *facepalm*
Anywho im reading this very compelling book right now called "On Human Nature"- by Edward O. Wilson. Its a psychology/ philosophy book and Mr. Wilson knows that hes talking about. Actually its such a good book that i picked it up trying to find a quote to jot down then forgot completely about my blog and been reading for the past 20 mins lol its a dense read but its full of knowledge and i advise anyone interested to pick it up.
Anyways...where was i? i forgot lol well i g2g read lol
Im flipping through my old playlist and man, this is exactly the song i need right now. An upbeat just happy song that speaks of happiness. Its from The Cat Empire- The Chariot Song. ITs jazz r&b rap. very interesting genre haha and of course, the lyrics are so awesome! im actually going to post a link because thomas, just listen to more music like this haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-VOB8ajbzY
This is a song that came upon me
One night
When the news it had been telling me
About one more war and one more fight
And 'aeh' I sighed but then
I thought about my friends
Then I wrote this declaration
Just in case the world end
Our guns
We shot them in the things we said
Ah we didn't need no bullets
Cos we rely on some words instead
Kill someone in argument
Outwit them with our brains
And we'd kill ourselves laughing
At the funny things we'd say
And bombs
We had them saved for special times
When the crew would call a shakedown
We break down a party landmine
Women that so sexy
They explode us with their looks
Ah we blowing up some speakers
Jumping round till the ground shook
And missiles
They were the roadtrips that we launched
T-t-tripping across this island
Starting missions at the break of dawn
Yawn and smile say
'what direction shall we take?'
'Somewhere where it warm and wet'
This be the route we'd always take and
Our weapons were our instruments
Made from timber and steel
We never yielded to conformity
But stood like kings
In a chariot that's riding on a
Record wheel
And our airforce flying
When the frisbee in the sky
Have a session while we're smoking
Now we're feeling extra high
And we'd sneak into a carpark
With the skaties on our back
And we're flying down the levels howling
'on the attack now on the attack'
And battles
They happened in these dancehalls
See we'd rather fight with music
Choosing when the rhythm warms
Battle at these shakedowns
And we battle at these gigs
We do battle in our bedrooms
Made some sweet love to the beat
Then our allies grew
Wherever we would roam
See whenever we're together
Any stranger feel at home
In a way we are an army
But this army not destruct
No instead we're doing simple things
Good loving find it run amuck
This be a declaration
Written about my friends
It's engraved into this song
So they know I'm not forgetting them
See maybe if the world contained
More people like these
Then the news would not be telling me
About all that warfare endlessly and
Our weapons were our instruments
Made from timber and steel
We never yielded to conformity
But stood like kings
In a chariot that's riding on
A record wheel
I love music and it has gotten me through so many of the most treacherous periods of my life. You can say music is my religion. The good thing about it is i am able to choose what to listen to lol. Actually reading over the lyrics i think this is reason i titled my new blog truthofkings haha. This is how long ive lstened to this song for. Its such a happy song just about music, friends, sex and people just...being happy and getting over obstacles haha. "Our weapons were made from timber and steel/ we never yielded to conformity/ but stood like kings/ in a chariot thats riding on/ a record wheel! Lol. This was the "declaration i wrote" just in case i actually blew a fuse and went loco. lol im laughing now cause past me was so optimistic! haha i love it. Fun fact about me: i cannot physically frown lol. Ive been through so much shit my entire life but my dad beat the last tear i had out of my eye before i could remember haha. so my mouth only moves two ways: :] and :| well it can :\ and >:| and when i do that last expression people usually count their blessings lol. cause thats my angry face. if im sad you see it in my eyes haha
I joined a 6 month program that allows me to be "buddies" with a sucessful adult with some experience in my field. It just so happens its a successful man named Tom. Hes going to be very close to me for the next year emailing me back and forth building resume, cover letter then getting me a internship! haha
Im also pretty proud to say that after 3 years i got 2 of the best billards players in northeastern to openly invite me to play for their team! they are students as well and im friends with them but you dont understand, ive been waiting for this for a while. Compared to them im years behind and i honestly wont last in the league until the finals but im at a level worthy of teaching since i know deflection and i can run 1 in every 5 tables and keep my opponent from beating me for at least a turn. In the league, pool games last really for no more than 2 turns im excited to play! first place winners get 500 dollars each and my friend said well be in first or second with or without me :]
I need to go to the gym more often. I havent been in a while. I can tell im loosening up and loosing weight because my v necks arent as tight as they used to be. I need to change that. Ive been continuing my diet but without the gym its all just getting burnt out through the sleepless nights and stress.
Speaking of sleepness nights last night i had another nightmare. This time it was directly going for my insecurities again. things such as i cant get a girl since im not good in bed and i know thats not a problem so lol i dont know why i thought that. and idk i dont remember but that part of the dream was pretty funny now that i think of it. Im really turning this into a joking manner even though its pretty painful to live through because well, if im not going to be optimistic and help me get through it, who will? haha
Edit::
I just got my first lesson from bochen. Intense positioning and shooting training that i failed at and he did in one try. lol. idk, i cant do drills i just play XD. me and mike tied up today in 9ball and i beat him in a race to 5. yay. When i just randomly play im kinda on the level of the big 5 but when under pressure or during drills i feel like im just starting to play pool all over again. lol
Im in a really good mood right now so im going to tackle one of my stresses and just let it out. I think we all know what its going to be about.- You know, i typed alot of shit, and i postd it...got it off my chest so i deleted it lol. It looks ugly to read :P
Anywho to better my day even further i got a text from thomas saying "wow, my manager is really excited to work with you, idk what you said but you made a big impression on him." WURD lol
while im trying to enjoy this glory though of all these new improvements underway my bank account is running dry. I only eat one meal a day and since im in school all day studying, reading, hanging out or playing skyrim, now practicing pool. Im loosing serious weight. Why dont i stay at home? because my parents are convinced that im a complete and utter failure because i quit my job and didnt have class so i was going out during awkward hours of the day for 2 weeks. Like really? i do NOT need to hear that word from anyone else right now. I showed them my old reportcard from last semester, all a's and B's. they said its fake and im like OKAY THEN if its fake then why are you complaining to me?! i showed you my grades and you didnt believe me so anything i show you unless its bad youre going to complain. So why the fuck are you talking? seriously, they think im a failure but for all the wrong reasons and thats the last thing i need. just thinking about family right now makes me want to flip a desk point at someone and tell them to shut the fuck up. Ugh *facepalm*
Anywho im reading this very compelling book right now called "On Human Nature"- by Edward O. Wilson. Its a psychology/ philosophy book and Mr. Wilson knows that hes talking about. Actually its such a good book that i picked it up trying to find a quote to jot down then forgot completely about my blog and been reading for the past 20 mins lol its a dense read but its full of knowledge and i advise anyone interested to pick it up.
Anyways...where was i? i forgot lol well i g2g read lol
Im flipping through my old playlist and man, this is exactly the song i need right now. An upbeat just happy song that speaks of happiness. Its from The Cat Empire- The Chariot Song. ITs jazz r&b rap. very interesting genre haha and of course, the lyrics are so awesome! im actually going to post a link because thomas, just listen to more music like this haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-VOB8ajbzY
This is a song that came upon me
One night
When the news it had been telling me
About one more war and one more fight
And 'aeh' I sighed but then
I thought about my friends
Then I wrote this declaration
Just in case the world end
Our guns
We shot them in the things we said
Ah we didn't need no bullets
Cos we rely on some words instead
Kill someone in argument
Outwit them with our brains
And we'd kill ourselves laughing
At the funny things we'd say
And bombs
We had them saved for special times
When the crew would call a shakedown
We break down a party landmine
Women that so sexy
They explode us with their looks
Ah we blowing up some speakers
Jumping round till the ground shook
And missiles
They were the roadtrips that we launched
T-t-tripping across this island
Starting missions at the break of dawn
Yawn and smile say
'what direction shall we take?'
'Somewhere where it warm and wet'
This be the route we'd always take and
Our weapons were our instruments
Made from timber and steel
We never yielded to conformity
But stood like kings
In a chariot that's riding on a
Record wheel
And our airforce flying
When the frisbee in the sky
Have a session while we're smoking
Now we're feeling extra high
And we'd sneak into a carpark
With the skaties on our back
And we're flying down the levels howling
'on the attack now on the attack'
And battles
They happened in these dancehalls
See we'd rather fight with music
Choosing when the rhythm warms
Battle at these shakedowns
And we battle at these gigs
We do battle in our bedrooms
Made some sweet love to the beat
Then our allies grew
Wherever we would roam
See whenever we're together
Any stranger feel at home
In a way we are an army
But this army not destruct
No instead we're doing simple things
Good loving find it run amuck
This be a declaration
Written about my friends
It's engraved into this song
So they know I'm not forgetting them
See maybe if the world contained
More people like these
Then the news would not be telling me
About all that warfare endlessly and
Our weapons were our instruments
Made from timber and steel
We never yielded to conformity
But stood like kings
In a chariot that's riding on
A record wheel
I love music and it has gotten me through so many of the most treacherous periods of my life. You can say music is my religion. The good thing about it is i am able to choose what to listen to lol. Actually reading over the lyrics i think this is reason i titled my new blog truthofkings haha. This is how long ive lstened to this song for. Its such a happy song just about music, friends, sex and people just...being happy and getting over obstacles haha. "Our weapons were made from timber and steel/ we never yielded to conformity/ but stood like kings/ in a chariot thats riding on/ a record wheel! Lol. This was the "declaration i wrote" just in case i actually blew a fuse and went loco. lol im laughing now cause past me was so optimistic! haha i love it. Fun fact about me: i cannot physically frown lol. Ive been through so much shit my entire life but my dad beat the last tear i had out of my eye before i could remember haha. so my mouth only moves two ways: :] and :| well it can :\ and >:| and when i do that last expression people usually count their blessings lol. cause thats my angry face. if im sad you see it in my eyes haha
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Harmony
Its such a beautiful word. Theres so many ways to define it so no matter who you go up to and ask the definition requires some depth to it..i just feel like it has such a pure connotation. Much more pure than love. I mean i used to define love as the closest thing to your hell. I mean, you have to give SO much to get SO much that once its gone...ehh. My definition has changed of course to a much more loving just..love lol but anyways, harmony.
Its something i lack, ive lacked it my whole life which is why i cant tie the knot with any girl and which is why my blogpost have increased in the past year. Im happier now but as time progresses im less harmonious. why? cause im really digging a brand new life for myself, becoming everything i wasnt. These contradictions arent who i was before it was of someone that did a sloppy job in a matter of two years and was like...specifics? fuck i need no specific mindset im just openminded. All i need to make sure to focus on is openmindedness to blend the clash, love, hope, and willpower. Done all the work one needed to do in 20 years just shrunk to one and honestly its quite the efficent way to deal, not going to lie. Im working out the kinks while i go. The willpower did nicely to grow into confidence perseverance and motivation while hope and love just...well it grew to who i am today. Thats really the foundation of life..but harmony...you know without harmony all of this would be like trying to swim onland..i mean youd move but theres no flow. lol. Forgot to add that in, way to genius old thomas. lol Im using these characteristics of life, if you will, because there were several which i held hands with last night that was not part of the plan.
Failure. Pathetic. and Death. I smoked again yday and my god. I thought ive had bad trips but this one..man i never felt like more shit in my life. Seriously, i should have seen it coming with the stress ive been feeling with theresa i threw under some bus, the nightmares ive been having and the lifestyle of complete nothingness. And with all that i had my new years resolutions engraved in my head as a strict and unquestionable to do list. The result after this concoction? Feeling like a complete and utter failure. No, you know usually i can bring myself back up, shrug it off and keep smiling cause im with friends and stuff but for some odd reason i just couldnt.
Actally im lying i do know why. whenever i have bad trips or even good highs the things i noticed that night, ill never ever know if it was true. Sure i might have heard what i heard but that doesnt exactly mean its toward me or hell, if i heard that at all. Its brocode if dudes dont have chicks and theyre trying to have a fun time...just have a fun time and speak nothing of it after. Its like kinda common sense. Feels really gay when you go up to your dude the next morning like soo yeah last night was fun...The fuck? lolol true story.
So yeah im stuck thinking everyone was making fun of my haircut. i coulda sworn they were going on about who got a 5 dollar haircut for like..10 mins.. but then again im high i got selective hearing and 10 mins could actually only be 1...WHO KNOWS lol. But still it got me feeling like shit cause bitch please im on a budget i gave up my 25 dollar barber and at least had the cash to get a 15 dollar haircut. *cough* anyways. Im trying to sugar coat this story cause you dont understand...It was a complete and utter mental meltdown but i didnt cry. LOL to have you know, i just left. But i went to the bathroom to wash my face cause i wanted to tell myself im high, im hearing things thomas stop it. But while i was in the bathroom i was hearing the guys say stuff like this guy is not even a real student. and whos happy to be working at a...forgot what word they used but it wasnt convenience store. and i mean it just collapsed i heard everything from me being cheap cause i could only spend 10 bucks on a 20 dollar poker night. How i am not actual student. I coulda sworn they got into an all out conversation about kids that dont grow up in a financially stable home or are first generation. Which seriously only brings it down to me. Im the only dude there thats first generation or even asian. Fuck. and when i got out i pretended like nothing was happening, im just baked, is what i thought. this isnt going to ruin my high. I know doug and chris were sober so i sat next to them and i was like first things first..doug usually has a hat so i was like "Yo doug, let me borrow your hat" and hes like..what? im like let me see your hat dude. and hes like what? i dont...why do you need a hat? and im like..let me wear it? and hes like..why do you need a hat?! and it got intense quick and i coulda SWORN while this was happening guys behind me were throwing down money on the table for me to buy a hat and i heard someone say this guy doesnt even have enough to get a hat?! and i got so fustrated i was like..fuck nevermind! and i up and left. I just left. and i walked from symphony...was going to get on ruggles but i was like..fuck its probably closed so i started walking home thinking fuck i wish i had my longboard. Its the worse feeling to think after the vacation that you made no difference to better yourself. All your bros are officially judging you. fuck.
I was then getting paranoid high. I tried to avoid the parinod high by blasting acdc but that didnt help because i started feeling a sharp pressure dig into the center of my back. I was like FUCK. THIS. NIGHT. I threw off my headphones, spun around and had my fist up and no one was there. I saw this guy though, it was a mirage but it was a guy right in front of my face with a knife and a smirk. My dreams are becoming reality. I knew this cause i knew i was baked and he wasnt real since the image of him was transparent so i turned back around and put in my headphones and continued walking. I walked to roxbury crossing and i sat in the station for a while waiting for the last train that never ended up coming. My head was racing at the speed of light from all the stress. I breathed and tried to calm myself with my music and i put the heaviest rock on my phone to keep up with the pace so i could slow it down but it just got worse. I ended up whipping out my phone looking at "home"..closing it..calling lauren instead and leaving her a voicemail saying lauren, just wanna say i love you and i dont want to call my family because i know i might just be tripping balls but i feel like im dying. and then i sat there just bathing in my agony for a while. My heart ripped, my head on the brink of insanity. I turned off my music and i started hearing voices. I continued seeing the figures and once i heard something scatter and i open my eyes and a dark figure swings to my left and i turn my head and stare and i see the dark figure just swing behind me and im like..welp. Fuck this shit haha. I actually laughed. then i got a text from doug saying, "you okay?" I call him and im like..yeah im in roxbury crossing im fine just..having a really shitty night and hes like im coming to get you and im like alright. while i was waiting i started hearing more voices...honestly i think roxbury crossing is haunted cause i mean i have enough experience in my dreams to not flip shit and to fuck with the graphicness instead so i while i was waiting i whispered, "You there?" and thats when i heard swaying metal in the tunnels past the tracks and im like...great. that you see is either another enigma or its actually real and im tupid to even try cause now im just spooked. Doug ends up calling me back saying im upstairs. right after that..and the stairs seriously...looked haunted. i was like fuck this shit and i went upstairs and met him up...then poured my heart out to him in chris's car, went back to the place. Everyone laughed it off we all had one more beer then everyone left. i was driven home by chris and i told him what happen..and hes like man you need to lay off that shit bro and me still being high was like..yeah. then i came home and passed the fuck out haha
Today i felt like complete and utter shit. You dont understand after physically experiencing the dream i felt of death after having everyone tell you youre not going anywhere and life and you honestly seeing that as true...on top of being parnoid or even think you should be afraid of getting jumped, and talking to ghost. ehh.. Its a pretty shitty night lol. Amazingly, old thomas had worse lol. So i went out to see if the world was still round, i was honestly preparing myself to actually go to school and something really ridiculous happen and find out im actually dead and im actually a ghost or something. Cause seriously, i felt like i was dying in that subway station and what was i doing? well i went to the end smoked a cigarette,sat,and tried to listen to music while my little high self was "communicating with the other side". lol. My head felt like it split in two and i gone stupid and i was fighting insanity and my heart felt like it was beating so fast that it was running out of energy and i was gradually loosing the feeling of its harsh beating..more like it was still beating fast but it was all less intense.
Im not smoking again until i finish my new years resolutions. thats for sure. but yeah, After half of the day trying to convince myself im not manic and chronically insane due to insecurites i picked myself up slightly and yeah i feel alot better. lol. Cause i know its all in my head. And you know what? fuck if its just in my head its not going to kill me so try to enjoy life. Thats always my scapegoat and well..it works lol. just say FUCK EVERYTHING. An old proverb that suits this situation nicely goes kinda like this, "A watched pot never boils." Im so into the little details of my life and human behavior that im actually progressing so slow with life when i think im changin quickly..tell me if im just mindfucking myself cause im not sure if thats me subconciously trying to convince myself to change faster and i already change really fast. Trying to save the world from a bipolar male LOL. but yeah IF my theory is correct then thats the reason why i think im genius but im not. I think so much that i dont actually DO. That was the problem with my oldself and i fixed that..kinda. Thats kinda why i dont wanna get into meditation again. I get obsessed. lol and when i do practice its apparently on yang. like holy shit.
Well my last post had one really bad beginning that kinda smoothed the mood out by the end so i thought id to the complete opposite this time lol. Start nicely and just livid the whole way through. lol
Oh i had a date with a girl today...actually she was like..my if anything fucks up its okay i got this! haha and itll be a really good fallback too. sorry babe, but were just at that level you know<3? she said to me once yeah i dont know why youre still single! but shes forever taken! now shes finally single and what did i do? oh just not text her even though i asked her out for coffee. good job thomas. There goes another failure. lolol this is becoming like a game now or something. shit fuck..well i dont really care haha i have so much work on myself i need to work on that when i get to the level where im confident and i can say at least with a leap like last time and sure i can be in a relationship haha then maybe ill be mad at myself. But i sent her a friendly text apologizing for not texting her cause drinking with friends last ngiht got out of hand and screwed up my schedule for today. and that i didnt forget about her. which is true. I was going to wake up early pick up my check and buy shoes with kanji then go take her to coffee and movie etc...but that failed. LOL all of it failed. hard haha.
But me and lauren are rebonding! she knows i <3 her and i know she <3s me back but we honestly havent opened ourselves to each other recently. Im glad this happened to me because of that. speaking of lauren she just sent me a song that i feel like i can relate to alot...Gotye- Somebody that i used to know. Kinda reminds me of me and theresa for some reason lol and me and well...10 other girls. lolol its a very beautiful song though. very poetic and artistic. I see the wall as the world between these two and how its becoming very abstract and confused...the artworld is actually something foul and as he continues singing he is pulled into this world, becoming abstract himself because hes caught over someone he USED to know, by the end hes completely covered and feels distraught. But he does sing about "I dont even need your love. but you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough" She has been completely camouflaged through his soliloquy, apparently distraught herself but she said she cant take this anymore and shes moving on and as she does her painting comes off and hes saying...someone i used to know..meaning hes still not over her. but shes clean, jsut one color..and she walks off. So hell And i guess thats how the cookie crumbles..
I guess if i was to pull out the stress of whats left, i honestly dont know what the fuck happened but eh. you know i have more important matters to attend to right now and im sure that by the time im done itll all have cleared up lol roadkillinfo. lol the name of my lastblog's url. Its like shit that stresses me out but i threw that shit under a bus so now its all roadkillinfo lol
To quickly tie up this blogpost yada yada yada this experience has shown me that im not harmonious. lol hate conclusions but i need to work on my writing. I hate writing conclusions. but you know i need to actually start using title intro body and conclusion better, this blogging hobby of mine could make me a serious writer.
So future thomas. When you read this, could you diagnose me?
Its something i lack, ive lacked it my whole life which is why i cant tie the knot with any girl and which is why my blogpost have increased in the past year. Im happier now but as time progresses im less harmonious. why? cause im really digging a brand new life for myself, becoming everything i wasnt. These contradictions arent who i was before it was of someone that did a sloppy job in a matter of two years and was like...specifics? fuck i need no specific mindset im just openminded. All i need to make sure to focus on is openmindedness to blend the clash, love, hope, and willpower. Done all the work one needed to do in 20 years just shrunk to one and honestly its quite the efficent way to deal, not going to lie. Im working out the kinks while i go. The willpower did nicely to grow into confidence perseverance and motivation while hope and love just...well it grew to who i am today. Thats really the foundation of life..but harmony...you know without harmony all of this would be like trying to swim onland..i mean youd move but theres no flow. lol. Forgot to add that in, way to genius old thomas. lol Im using these characteristics of life, if you will, because there were several which i held hands with last night that was not part of the plan.
Failure. Pathetic. and Death. I smoked again yday and my god. I thought ive had bad trips but this one..man i never felt like more shit in my life. Seriously, i should have seen it coming with the stress ive been feeling with theresa i threw under some bus, the nightmares ive been having and the lifestyle of complete nothingness. And with all that i had my new years resolutions engraved in my head as a strict and unquestionable to do list. The result after this concoction? Feeling like a complete and utter failure. No, you know usually i can bring myself back up, shrug it off and keep smiling cause im with friends and stuff but for some odd reason i just couldnt.
Actally im lying i do know why. whenever i have bad trips or even good highs the things i noticed that night, ill never ever know if it was true. Sure i might have heard what i heard but that doesnt exactly mean its toward me or hell, if i heard that at all. Its brocode if dudes dont have chicks and theyre trying to have a fun time...just have a fun time and speak nothing of it after. Its like kinda common sense. Feels really gay when you go up to your dude the next morning like soo yeah last night was fun...The fuck? lolol true story.
So yeah im stuck thinking everyone was making fun of my haircut. i coulda sworn they were going on about who got a 5 dollar haircut for like..10 mins.. but then again im high i got selective hearing and 10 mins could actually only be 1...WHO KNOWS lol. But still it got me feeling like shit cause bitch please im on a budget i gave up my 25 dollar barber and at least had the cash to get a 15 dollar haircut. *cough* anyways. Im trying to sugar coat this story cause you dont understand...It was a complete and utter mental meltdown but i didnt cry. LOL to have you know, i just left. But i went to the bathroom to wash my face cause i wanted to tell myself im high, im hearing things thomas stop it. But while i was in the bathroom i was hearing the guys say stuff like this guy is not even a real student. and whos happy to be working at a...forgot what word they used but it wasnt convenience store. and i mean it just collapsed i heard everything from me being cheap cause i could only spend 10 bucks on a 20 dollar poker night. How i am not actual student. I coulda sworn they got into an all out conversation about kids that dont grow up in a financially stable home or are first generation. Which seriously only brings it down to me. Im the only dude there thats first generation or even asian. Fuck. and when i got out i pretended like nothing was happening, im just baked, is what i thought. this isnt going to ruin my high. I know doug and chris were sober so i sat next to them and i was like first things first..doug usually has a hat so i was like "Yo doug, let me borrow your hat" and hes like..what? im like let me see your hat dude. and hes like what? i dont...why do you need a hat? and im like..let me wear it? and hes like..why do you need a hat?! and it got intense quick and i coulda SWORN while this was happening guys behind me were throwing down money on the table for me to buy a hat and i heard someone say this guy doesnt even have enough to get a hat?! and i got so fustrated i was like..fuck nevermind! and i up and left. I just left. and i walked from symphony...was going to get on ruggles but i was like..fuck its probably closed so i started walking home thinking fuck i wish i had my longboard. Its the worse feeling to think after the vacation that you made no difference to better yourself. All your bros are officially judging you. fuck.
I was then getting paranoid high. I tried to avoid the parinod high by blasting acdc but that didnt help because i started feeling a sharp pressure dig into the center of my back. I was like FUCK. THIS. NIGHT. I threw off my headphones, spun around and had my fist up and no one was there. I saw this guy though, it was a mirage but it was a guy right in front of my face with a knife and a smirk. My dreams are becoming reality. I knew this cause i knew i was baked and he wasnt real since the image of him was transparent so i turned back around and put in my headphones and continued walking. I walked to roxbury crossing and i sat in the station for a while waiting for the last train that never ended up coming. My head was racing at the speed of light from all the stress. I breathed and tried to calm myself with my music and i put the heaviest rock on my phone to keep up with the pace so i could slow it down but it just got worse. I ended up whipping out my phone looking at "home"..closing it..calling lauren instead and leaving her a voicemail saying lauren, just wanna say i love you and i dont want to call my family because i know i might just be tripping balls but i feel like im dying. and then i sat there just bathing in my agony for a while. My heart ripped, my head on the brink of insanity. I turned off my music and i started hearing voices. I continued seeing the figures and once i heard something scatter and i open my eyes and a dark figure swings to my left and i turn my head and stare and i see the dark figure just swing behind me and im like..welp. Fuck this shit haha. I actually laughed. then i got a text from doug saying, "you okay?" I call him and im like..yeah im in roxbury crossing im fine just..having a really shitty night and hes like im coming to get you and im like alright. while i was waiting i started hearing more voices...honestly i think roxbury crossing is haunted cause i mean i have enough experience in my dreams to not flip shit and to fuck with the graphicness instead so i while i was waiting i whispered, "You there?" and thats when i heard swaying metal in the tunnels past the tracks and im like...great. that you see is either another enigma or its actually real and im tupid to even try cause now im just spooked. Doug ends up calling me back saying im upstairs. right after that..and the stairs seriously...looked haunted. i was like fuck this shit and i went upstairs and met him up...then poured my heart out to him in chris's car, went back to the place. Everyone laughed it off we all had one more beer then everyone left. i was driven home by chris and i told him what happen..and hes like man you need to lay off that shit bro and me still being high was like..yeah. then i came home and passed the fuck out haha
Today i felt like complete and utter shit. You dont understand after physically experiencing the dream i felt of death after having everyone tell you youre not going anywhere and life and you honestly seeing that as true...on top of being parnoid or even think you should be afraid of getting jumped, and talking to ghost. ehh.. Its a pretty shitty night lol. Amazingly, old thomas had worse lol. So i went out to see if the world was still round, i was honestly preparing myself to actually go to school and something really ridiculous happen and find out im actually dead and im actually a ghost or something. Cause seriously, i felt like i was dying in that subway station and what was i doing? well i went to the end smoked a cigarette,sat,and tried to listen to music while my little high self was "communicating with the other side". lol. My head felt like it split in two and i gone stupid and i was fighting insanity and my heart felt like it was beating so fast that it was running out of energy and i was gradually loosing the feeling of its harsh beating..more like it was still beating fast but it was all less intense.
Im not smoking again until i finish my new years resolutions. thats for sure. but yeah, After half of the day trying to convince myself im not manic and chronically insane due to insecurites i picked myself up slightly and yeah i feel alot better. lol. Cause i know its all in my head. And you know what? fuck if its just in my head its not going to kill me so try to enjoy life. Thats always my scapegoat and well..it works lol. just say FUCK EVERYTHING. An old proverb that suits this situation nicely goes kinda like this, "A watched pot never boils." Im so into the little details of my life and human behavior that im actually progressing so slow with life when i think im changin quickly..tell me if im just mindfucking myself cause im not sure if thats me subconciously trying to convince myself to change faster and i already change really fast. Trying to save the world from a bipolar male LOL. but yeah IF my theory is correct then thats the reason why i think im genius but im not. I think so much that i dont actually DO. That was the problem with my oldself and i fixed that..kinda. Thats kinda why i dont wanna get into meditation again. I get obsessed. lol and when i do practice its apparently on yang. like holy shit.
Well my last post had one really bad beginning that kinda smoothed the mood out by the end so i thought id to the complete opposite this time lol. Start nicely and just livid the whole way through. lol
Oh i had a date with a girl today...actually she was like..my if anything fucks up its okay i got this! haha and itll be a really good fallback too. sorry babe, but were just at that level you know<3? she said to me once yeah i dont know why youre still single! but shes forever taken! now shes finally single and what did i do? oh just not text her even though i asked her out for coffee. good job thomas. There goes another failure. lolol this is becoming like a game now or something. shit fuck..well i dont really care haha i have so much work on myself i need to work on that when i get to the level where im confident and i can say at least with a leap like last time and sure i can be in a relationship haha then maybe ill be mad at myself. But i sent her a friendly text apologizing for not texting her cause drinking with friends last ngiht got out of hand and screwed up my schedule for today. and that i didnt forget about her. which is true. I was going to wake up early pick up my check and buy shoes with kanji then go take her to coffee and movie etc...but that failed. LOL all of it failed. hard haha.
But me and lauren are rebonding! she knows i <3 her and i know she <3s me back but we honestly havent opened ourselves to each other recently. Im glad this happened to me because of that. speaking of lauren she just sent me a song that i feel like i can relate to alot...Gotye- Somebody that i used to know. Kinda reminds me of me and theresa for some reason lol and me and well...10 other girls. lolol its a very beautiful song though. very poetic and artistic. I see the wall as the world between these two and how its becoming very abstract and confused...the artworld is actually something foul and as he continues singing he is pulled into this world, becoming abstract himself because hes caught over someone he USED to know, by the end hes completely covered and feels distraught. But he does sing about "I dont even need your love. but you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough" She has been completely camouflaged through his soliloquy, apparently distraught herself but she said she cant take this anymore and shes moving on and as she does her painting comes off and hes saying...someone i used to know..meaning hes still not over her. but shes clean, jsut one color..and she walks off. So hell And i guess thats how the cookie crumbles..
I guess if i was to pull out the stress of whats left, i honestly dont know what the fuck happened but eh. you know i have more important matters to attend to right now and im sure that by the time im done itll all have cleared up lol roadkillinfo. lol the name of my lastblog's url. Its like shit that stresses me out but i threw that shit under a bus so now its all roadkillinfo lol
To quickly tie up this blogpost yada yada yada this experience has shown me that im not harmonious. lol hate conclusions but i need to work on my writing. I hate writing conclusions. but you know i need to actually start using title intro body and conclusion better, this blogging hobby of mine could make me a serious writer.
So future thomas. When you read this, could you diagnose me?
Thursday, January 5, 2012
A change of seasons
So i forget which number this is but yeah. Im currently in moses' dorm, we were celebrating welbys birthday haha hes so trashed cause i kept feeding him liqour :P. In other news, I quit smoking for 4 days then failed today. I realized why i felt so stressed lately because of the dream which i now remember. It was of present me holding my head in agony because i broke the anger wall inside my head and i was rushed by the urge of killing dozens of people then myself. Insanity at its finest lol. True story though i used to have the urge to kill but i had enough control to just listen to my music and keep to myself while i fantasized of jabbing someone in the ear with a pen in my pocket lol. With dreams like that its no wonder ive been so stressed lately. The not so funny thing is these dreams could very much become true if i tore down that wall i put against anger, especially in this new mindset. But it would never happen lol.
Edit::
Way to start a blogpost huh? haha well today is a new day and i feel great! i got the job at cvs this morning and im stoked! im looking at a pay of 9-10 an hour. Which is a step up compared to Anf!. Im really going to miss seeing beautiful friendly people day in and out but eh thats life. Money comes before friends when all things are said and done. Thats why you never should speak money with friends..only business. And if money does get involved make it a personal matter. I learned that the hard way.
Anyways i need to spew out alot cause of this first day of smoking biz haha made me realize A LOT while i enjoying it right outside downtown crossing waiting for friends. I realized that i have this very special characteristic to me that people gain when they become more mature, but ive earned it many years ago. Its the simple ability to let go completely. Many people forever hold an emotional view on another once there is a fall out or something but for me, i simple establish that i either started off on the wrong foot or didnt know them enough, regardless i respect them for who they are and i draw that line. That means it starts completely from scratch. Everyone is in this world together and i refuse to believe people can go through life being a douchebag, some people can because there is a balance. People like those are are whom we call bros. Not the bro like i would call a bro but a bro like a jock douchebag bro. lol But if youre in college and youre intellegent enough to step foot in MY social network i safely assume youre intelligent and mature to a certain extent aka, not self-destructive, which would be douchebags, flat out assholes. Seriously, i do well to subconsciously pick my social networking. The world has an interesting way of attracting people within a spectrum fit for your personality into your life.
Another thing i realized is that im not too far off from this whole meditation thing anymore, its clearly no longer fiction, but the limits are obscure. While i was outside enjoying my smoke i was only wearing 3 layers. A undershirt, sweater and spring jacket and everyone was staring at me weird. I was looking at myself weird cause i was warm. The secret is a simple trick, not very meditation like at all but its the foundation, the first step. Using your mind to manipulate the physical body. If you look at saolin martial artist online they have balls of steel, literally. Head stronger than concrete and skin that cannot be cut or pierced. These things are of course, physically impossible to many but its just manipulation and complete and utter belief that they are indestructible. Im far from that, in order to think that you must prove to yourself that you are which takes years and decades of physical training and meditation but you get my point. Anywho a simple trick i use is when im in the cold i sacrifice one body part such as my hand and hold a block of ice, or get it wet then expose it to the cold air. Hell it was cold enough to just leave it out of my pocket yesterday and have that be enough. With that body part isolated and getting frozen im able to heat up the rest of my body by telling myself, "you see? cold is something that varies and if one part is this cold and i am not then that must mean that i am warm. No matter how cold i am if i make one part colder then my whole body warms up haha. It works. Then the cold part gets so cold that it numbs so its a double win haha. I got frostbite doing that once cause it was a intense winter but yeah thats a story for another time. lol cause without physical training your body can only go so far.
With that being said i honestly do believe humans only use 10% of their brain. Sure a healthy brain would glow brightly on the MRI cat scan to show that you are not using just 10% but one can safely agree that there are geniuses. People like the past me which think in a more broader sense. Theyre able to absorb and analyze information in such large quantities and such a fast rate that the only thing left for them to challenge themselves with is to multitask with all this knowledge. All of which, a very unstressful and maybe comfortable and thrilling lifestyle. People living and depending on the mediocre day to day education to learn and further grow makes humans look retarded compared to what any of us could be. I learn by reading and sure, that happens on a linear graph but if youre able to apply that and find it fit to be prtical in life then learning it becomes so much more powerful. Its hard to describe because im not a genius but i know how it feels for information to just...keep coming and clicking like an engine that just works. I guess thats why im so down in the dump all the time, because i know how i feels to be better and yet im not that. I abide by the system and learn by what people teach me and what falls into my lap. I guess what im trying to get at is..the curious mind and the young heart go a very long way. So enough of that rant.
Ive been holding in that rant for a long long time and its been in my gut and i felt its burden.
I was hanging out with moses last night and it was weird, not going to lie. But he tried his hardest so that i do feel that way. Im so glad i met this guy, we grew up together and many compared us to each other because well, we were exposed to the same network of people for our entire life thusfar and like me, he is a very intuitive feller. I need to hang out with him more because since him and i sync i can learn alot from him. Hes not very different from me at all but he managed to reach many of his goals while ive been held back by inhibitions and passion for why man CANT reach goals. Im outwardly very optimistic always and no one can prove i am not optimistic otherwise but pessimism runs deep in my blood. Another contradiction in my life. Im jealous of that guy now, he has a stable academic life, a fine family in which i know and can relate to, a beautiful girlfriend, not my type though but its right for him, and a stable income. Hes a mature guy that is very friendly and open but only if you ask him the right questions. He is a very mysterious guy that even i cant understand but i feel as if i know him so well. He speaks softly but carries a big stick and he found a girl that fits that perfectly. young curious heart, conservative yet loving, attractive and well. shit go moses lol. I can see them going a long way together. Welby, it was his birthday last night and he has a girlfriend as well to fit his more openly humorous nature. She takes care of him as much as he makes her laugh and smile. Its a very close and happy relationship. Jasper is another roommate which has a girlfriend as well. Yes, i was the seventh fucking wheel. lol. I dont know jasper as well but he has a genuine heart, all three of these men do, and they found worthy woman. I tried to not be the seventh wheel as much as possible by treating them all equally, even being more flamboyant if necessary haha.
Last night was a good addition to the rant because well, though these men found suitable females i noticed im much different in everyway but similar in so much. I ask for so much more while not providing enough. The day i can balance this ill be happy. I need someone that can see and understand my open mind and teach me new things while appreciating what i have and what ive done. Thats alot to ask for seeing how i feel as if i havent done much. And that is my flaw. I need to work on myself more and i admit it i always have but you know, sometimes i feel as if this process would move alot faster with someone by my side to support me and push me forward. I guess you can say i did feel rather lonely last night but it was a worthy sacrifice when im around old friends that really did what they wanted.
Im not going to lie, Its scary seeing old friends around me making career worthy moves, steps with relationships that seem as if they are meant for the lifetime. This has been happening all around me in northeastern and in my bu friends. I guess im scared of growing up but do not confuse that with unwillingness. I wish to be right next to them, everyone successful and stable in my generation with my ambitions in hand and willpower in the other. I cant waste anymore time.
With that, A change of seasons by dream theater is such a powerful song, vocally, lyrically, and instrumentally. The artist said he wanted to write a song like those of his predecessors which tells a story and i quote, "Basically, I took a lot of personal incidents, like losing my mother and a couple of things that happened in my life, and I wrote them into the lyrics. Like, on a smaller scale, I wouldn't try to compare it with this, but when I listen to Pink Floyd's The Wall, there are a lot of emotions there - just a lot of frustrations and anger. He goes full circle, the character. He has a child and just as he's about to pass on and die, now his son is going to have to live the life he did and go through those same experiences." Its a very poetic 23 minute song and i fucking love it.
I. The Crimson Sunrise
(Instrumental)
II. Innocence
I remember a time
My frail, virgin mind
watched the crimson sunrise
Imagined what it might find
Life was filled with wonder
I felt the warm wind blow
I must explore the boundaries
Transcend the depth of winter's snow
Innocence caressing me
I never felt so young before
There was so much life in me
Still I longed to search for more
But those days are gone now
Changed like a leaf on a tree
Blown away forever
into the cool autumn breeze
The snow has now fallen
and my sun's not so bright
I struggle to hold on
with the last of my might
In my den of inequity
viciousness and subtlety
struggle to ease the pain
struggle to find the sane
Ignorance surrounding me
I've never been so filled with fear
All my life's been drained from me
The end is drawing near....
III. Carpe Diem
'Carpe diem, seize the day'
I'll always remember
The chill of November
The news of the fall
The sounds in the hall
The clock on the wall ticking away
'Seize the Day'
I heard him say
Life will not always be this way
Look around
Hear the sounds
Cherish your life while you're still around
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying."
We can learn from the past
But those days are gone
We can hope for the future
But there may not be one
The words stuck in my mind
alive from what I've learned
I have to seize the day
To home I returned
Preparing for her flight
I held with all my might
Fearing my deepest fright
She walked into the night
She turned for one last look
She looked me in the eye
I said, 'I Love You...Good-bye'
"It's the most awful thing you'll
ever hear."
"If you're lying to me..."
"Oh, you dearly love her."
"...just have to leave... all our lives."
"Seize the day!"
"Something happened.
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."
"She was killed."
IV. The Darkest of Winters
(Instrumental)
V. Another World
So far or so it seems
All is lost with nothing fulfilled
Off the pages and a T.V. screen
Another world where nothing's true
Tripping through the life fantastic
Lose a step and never get up
Left alone with a cold blank stare
I feel like giving up
I was blinded by a paradise
Utopia high in the sky
A dream that only drowned me
Deep in sorrow, wondering why
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Then string him up for all the world to see
I'm sick of all you hypocrites
holding me at bay
And I don't need your sympathy
to get me through the day
Seasons change and so can I
Hold on boy, No time to cry
Untie these strings, I'm climbing down
I won't let them push me away
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Now it's time for them to deal with me
VI. The Inevitable Summer
(Instrumental)
VII. The Crimson Sunset
I'm much wiser now
A lifetime of memories
run through my head
They taught me how
for better or worse, alive or dead
I realize there's no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track
I sit down with my son
Set to see the Crimson Sunset
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
Many years have come and gone
I've lived my life, but now must move on
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
He is my only one
Now that my time has come
Now that my life is done
We look into the sun
'Seize the day and don't you cry,
Now it's time to say good-bye
Even though I'll be gone,
I will live on, live on.'
My favorite part is the third, Carpe Diem. A youtube fan broke down the different seasons and explained what each section meant lyrically and i could not say it better than him. "A solemn, melancholic movement, its lyrics deal with the idea of 'Seize the Day'. The character recalls how meaningful words he heard before had affected his way of living. He (supposing the character is a man) was taught to "seize the day", by someone, and that he should "cherish your life while you're [he's] still around". However, he expresses doubt for such hope and appreciation, as we never know what the future may hold.
Portnoy's high school teacher once held an entire lesson about the quite "Carpe Diem" - Seize the day, take nothing for granted, and said to the students that they should go home and let the ones they love, know they loved them. This is exactly what Portnoy did. Him and his mother had had a fight earlier, and as Portnoy came home, she was about to leave town. Portnoy's mother died in an airplane crash, that very night, and if it wasn't for Mike's high school teacher, he and his mother would not have made up before her death. The "Carpe Diem" themes in A Change Of Seasons are rooted from here.[2]
Quotes from the Robert Herrick poem "To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time" can be found in here.
At the end, the character enters a process of awakening, but is met by the demise of a loved one."-kyled---92 (i would cite you kyle but i dont want this to link to my page and have crazy dream theater fans read my life story lol)
anyways. if youre not going to read that or the lyrics read this.
"I'll always remember/ The chill of November/ The news of the fall/ The sounds in the hall/ The clock on the wall ticking away/ 'Seize the Day'/ I heard him say/ Life will not always be this way/ Look around/ Hear the sounds/ Cherish your life while you're still around/ "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,/ Old Time is still a-flying;/ And this same flower that smiles today,/ Tomorrow will be dying."/ We can learn from the past/ But those days are gone/ We can hope for the future/ But there may not be one/ The words stuck in my mind/ alive from what I've learned/ I have to seize the day/ To home I returned"
The whole song is beautiful but this part when i hear it i just close my eyes and seriously its an eargasm haha. The solo and lyrics are amazing! haha
"I'm much wiser now A lifetime of memories run through my head They taught me how for better or worse, alive or dead I realize there's no turning back Life goes on the offbeaten track"
edit::
Im not a believer but i get disciplined by life everyday and i believe that. Now youre messing with someone definitely closer to life than you, i hope you get whats coming to you. just saying. Karma. I never smite people directly you see, i use their actions against them. I gave you a fresh start thn you dumb just fucked up at the getgo. Thats fine hey its not me. haha cause i aint shit yet.
Edit::
Way to start a blogpost huh? haha well today is a new day and i feel great! i got the job at cvs this morning and im stoked! im looking at a pay of 9-10 an hour. Which is a step up compared to Anf!. Im really going to miss seeing beautiful friendly people day in and out but eh thats life. Money comes before friends when all things are said and done. Thats why you never should speak money with friends..only business. And if money does get involved make it a personal matter. I learned that the hard way.
Anyways i need to spew out alot cause of this first day of smoking biz haha made me realize A LOT while i enjoying it right outside downtown crossing waiting for friends. I realized that i have this very special characteristic to me that people gain when they become more mature, but ive earned it many years ago. Its the simple ability to let go completely. Many people forever hold an emotional view on another once there is a fall out or something but for me, i simple establish that i either started off on the wrong foot or didnt know them enough, regardless i respect them for who they are and i draw that line. That means it starts completely from scratch. Everyone is in this world together and i refuse to believe people can go through life being a douchebag, some people can because there is a balance. People like those are are whom we call bros. Not the bro like i would call a bro but a bro like a jock douchebag bro. lol But if youre in college and youre intellegent enough to step foot in MY social network i safely assume youre intelligent and mature to a certain extent aka, not self-destructive, which would be douchebags, flat out assholes. Seriously, i do well to subconsciously pick my social networking. The world has an interesting way of attracting people within a spectrum fit for your personality into your life.
Another thing i realized is that im not too far off from this whole meditation thing anymore, its clearly no longer fiction, but the limits are obscure. While i was outside enjoying my smoke i was only wearing 3 layers. A undershirt, sweater and spring jacket and everyone was staring at me weird. I was looking at myself weird cause i was warm. The secret is a simple trick, not very meditation like at all but its the foundation, the first step. Using your mind to manipulate the physical body. If you look at saolin martial artist online they have balls of steel, literally. Head stronger than concrete and skin that cannot be cut or pierced. These things are of course, physically impossible to many but its just manipulation and complete and utter belief that they are indestructible. Im far from that, in order to think that you must prove to yourself that you are which takes years and decades of physical training and meditation but you get my point. Anywho a simple trick i use is when im in the cold i sacrifice one body part such as my hand and hold a block of ice, or get it wet then expose it to the cold air. Hell it was cold enough to just leave it out of my pocket yesterday and have that be enough. With that body part isolated and getting frozen im able to heat up the rest of my body by telling myself, "you see? cold is something that varies and if one part is this cold and i am not then that must mean that i am warm. No matter how cold i am if i make one part colder then my whole body warms up haha. It works. Then the cold part gets so cold that it numbs so its a double win haha. I got frostbite doing that once cause it was a intense winter but yeah thats a story for another time. lol cause without physical training your body can only go so far.
With that being said i honestly do believe humans only use 10% of their brain. Sure a healthy brain would glow brightly on the MRI cat scan to show that you are not using just 10% but one can safely agree that there are geniuses. People like the past me which think in a more broader sense. Theyre able to absorb and analyze information in such large quantities and such a fast rate that the only thing left for them to challenge themselves with is to multitask with all this knowledge. All of which, a very unstressful and maybe comfortable and thrilling lifestyle. People living and depending on the mediocre day to day education to learn and further grow makes humans look retarded compared to what any of us could be. I learn by reading and sure, that happens on a linear graph but if youre able to apply that and find it fit to be prtical in life then learning it becomes so much more powerful. Its hard to describe because im not a genius but i know how it feels for information to just...keep coming and clicking like an engine that just works. I guess thats why im so down in the dump all the time, because i know how i feels to be better and yet im not that. I abide by the system and learn by what people teach me and what falls into my lap. I guess what im trying to get at is..the curious mind and the young heart go a very long way. So enough of that rant.
Ive been holding in that rant for a long long time and its been in my gut and i felt its burden.
I was hanging out with moses last night and it was weird, not going to lie. But he tried his hardest so that i do feel that way. Im so glad i met this guy, we grew up together and many compared us to each other because well, we were exposed to the same network of people for our entire life thusfar and like me, he is a very intuitive feller. I need to hang out with him more because since him and i sync i can learn alot from him. Hes not very different from me at all but he managed to reach many of his goals while ive been held back by inhibitions and passion for why man CANT reach goals. Im outwardly very optimistic always and no one can prove i am not optimistic otherwise but pessimism runs deep in my blood. Another contradiction in my life. Im jealous of that guy now, he has a stable academic life, a fine family in which i know and can relate to, a beautiful girlfriend, not my type though but its right for him, and a stable income. Hes a mature guy that is very friendly and open but only if you ask him the right questions. He is a very mysterious guy that even i cant understand but i feel as if i know him so well. He speaks softly but carries a big stick and he found a girl that fits that perfectly. young curious heart, conservative yet loving, attractive and well. shit go moses lol. I can see them going a long way together. Welby, it was his birthday last night and he has a girlfriend as well to fit his more openly humorous nature. She takes care of him as much as he makes her laugh and smile. Its a very close and happy relationship. Jasper is another roommate which has a girlfriend as well. Yes, i was the seventh fucking wheel. lol. I dont know jasper as well but he has a genuine heart, all three of these men do, and they found worthy woman. I tried to not be the seventh wheel as much as possible by treating them all equally, even being more flamboyant if necessary haha.
Last night was a good addition to the rant because well, though these men found suitable females i noticed im much different in everyway but similar in so much. I ask for so much more while not providing enough. The day i can balance this ill be happy. I need someone that can see and understand my open mind and teach me new things while appreciating what i have and what ive done. Thats alot to ask for seeing how i feel as if i havent done much. And that is my flaw. I need to work on myself more and i admit it i always have but you know, sometimes i feel as if this process would move alot faster with someone by my side to support me and push me forward. I guess you can say i did feel rather lonely last night but it was a worthy sacrifice when im around old friends that really did what they wanted.
Im not going to lie, Its scary seeing old friends around me making career worthy moves, steps with relationships that seem as if they are meant for the lifetime. This has been happening all around me in northeastern and in my bu friends. I guess im scared of growing up but do not confuse that with unwillingness. I wish to be right next to them, everyone successful and stable in my generation with my ambitions in hand and willpower in the other. I cant waste anymore time.
With that, A change of seasons by dream theater is such a powerful song, vocally, lyrically, and instrumentally. The artist said he wanted to write a song like those of his predecessors which tells a story and i quote, "Basically, I took a lot of personal incidents, like losing my mother and a couple of things that happened in my life, and I wrote them into the lyrics. Like, on a smaller scale, I wouldn't try to compare it with this, but when I listen to Pink Floyd's The Wall, there are a lot of emotions there - just a lot of frustrations and anger. He goes full circle, the character. He has a child and just as he's about to pass on and die, now his son is going to have to live the life he did and go through those same experiences." Its a very poetic 23 minute song and i fucking love it.
I. The Crimson Sunrise
(Instrumental)
II. Innocence
I remember a time
My frail, virgin mind
watched the crimson sunrise
Imagined what it might find
Life was filled with wonder
I felt the warm wind blow
I must explore the boundaries
Transcend the depth of winter's snow
Innocence caressing me
I never felt so young before
There was so much life in me
Still I longed to search for more
But those days are gone now
Changed like a leaf on a tree
Blown away forever
into the cool autumn breeze
The snow has now fallen
and my sun's not so bright
I struggle to hold on
with the last of my might
In my den of inequity
viciousness and subtlety
struggle to ease the pain
struggle to find the sane
Ignorance surrounding me
I've never been so filled with fear
All my life's been drained from me
The end is drawing near....
III. Carpe Diem
'Carpe diem, seize the day'
I'll always remember
The chill of November
The news of the fall
The sounds in the hall
The clock on the wall ticking away
'Seize the Day'
I heard him say
Life will not always be this way
Look around
Hear the sounds
Cherish your life while you're still around
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying."
We can learn from the past
But those days are gone
We can hope for the future
But there may not be one
The words stuck in my mind
alive from what I've learned
I have to seize the day
To home I returned
Preparing for her flight
I held with all my might
Fearing my deepest fright
She walked into the night
She turned for one last look
She looked me in the eye
I said, 'I Love You...Good-bye'
"It's the most awful thing you'll
ever hear."
"If you're lying to me..."
"Oh, you dearly love her."
"...just have to leave... all our lives."
"Seize the day!"
"Something happened.
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."
"She was killed."
IV. The Darkest of Winters
(Instrumental)
V. Another World
So far or so it seems
All is lost with nothing fulfilled
Off the pages and a T.V. screen
Another world where nothing's true
Tripping through the life fantastic
Lose a step and never get up
Left alone with a cold blank stare
I feel like giving up
I was blinded by a paradise
Utopia high in the sky
A dream that only drowned me
Deep in sorrow, wondering why
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Then string him up for all the world to see
I'm sick of all you hypocrites
holding me at bay
And I don't need your sympathy
to get me through the day
Seasons change and so can I
Hold on boy, No time to cry
Untie these strings, I'm climbing down
I won't let them push me away
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Now it's time for them to deal with me
VI. The Inevitable Summer
(Instrumental)
VII. The Crimson Sunset
I'm much wiser now
A lifetime of memories
run through my head
They taught me how
for better or worse, alive or dead
I realize there's no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track
I sit down with my son
Set to see the Crimson Sunset
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
Many years have come and gone
I've lived my life, but now must move on
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
He is my only one
Now that my time has come
Now that my life is done
We look into the sun
'Seize the day and don't you cry,
Now it's time to say good-bye
Even though I'll be gone,
I will live on, live on.'
My favorite part is the third, Carpe Diem. A youtube fan broke down the different seasons and explained what each section meant lyrically and i could not say it better than him. "A solemn, melancholic movement, its lyrics deal with the idea of 'Seize the Day'. The character recalls how meaningful words he heard before had affected his way of living. He (supposing the character is a man) was taught to "seize the day", by someone, and that he should "cherish your life while you're [he's] still around". However, he expresses doubt for such hope and appreciation, as we never know what the future may hold.
Portnoy's high school teacher once held an entire lesson about the quite "Carpe Diem" - Seize the day, take nothing for granted, and said to the students that they should go home and let the ones they love, know they loved them. This is exactly what Portnoy did. Him and his mother had had a fight earlier, and as Portnoy came home, she was about to leave town. Portnoy's mother died in an airplane crash, that very night, and if it wasn't for Mike's high school teacher, he and his mother would not have made up before her death. The "Carpe Diem" themes in A Change Of Seasons are rooted from here.[2]
Quotes from the Robert Herrick poem "To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time" can be found in here.
At the end, the character enters a process of awakening, but is met by the demise of a loved one."-kyled---92 (i would cite you kyle but i dont want this to link to my page and have crazy dream theater fans read my life story lol)
anyways. if youre not going to read that or the lyrics read this.
"I'll always remember/ The chill of November/ The news of the fall/ The sounds in the hall/ The clock on the wall ticking away/ 'Seize the Day'/ I heard him say/ Life will not always be this way/ Look around/ Hear the sounds/ Cherish your life while you're still around/ "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,/ Old Time is still a-flying;/ And this same flower that smiles today,/ Tomorrow will be dying."/ We can learn from the past/ But those days are gone/ We can hope for the future/ But there may not be one/ The words stuck in my mind/ alive from what I've learned/ I have to seize the day/ To home I returned"
The whole song is beautiful but this part when i hear it i just close my eyes and seriously its an eargasm haha. The solo and lyrics are amazing! haha
"I'm much wiser now A lifetime of memories run through my head They taught me how for better or worse, alive or dead I realize there's no turning back Life goes on the offbeaten track"
edit::
Im not a believer but i get disciplined by life everyday and i believe that. Now youre messing with someone definitely closer to life than you, i hope you get whats coming to you. just saying. Karma. I never smite people directly you see, i use their actions against them. I gave you a fresh start thn you dumb just fucked up at the getgo. Thats fine hey its not me. haha cause i aint shit yet.
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