Misconception

These days have been just like me. Spontaneous, heart wrenching, drunken madness. Ive been working alot and when im not working im practicing pool like no other. Ive worsened in pool because ive been playing so much. I study my pool like i work out in the gym now. Even if im tired and bored as shit and im failing at everything i do at least 2 more rounds. I havent been to the gym in at least a month and im loosing my weight. Its unfortunate, but ill gain it all back again.

Im in that constant mindset now that nothing can faze me. What is this feeling? its the feeling ive been waiting 7 years for. Its the feeling old and new and whichever piece of thomas in me has only dreamt about. I see something coming that will bring a closure to the split for good. when that era comes it will be gradual so i cannot celebrate but its moments like these, right here at the threshold of a new beginning where i can look back and start seeing things change, for better or worse. My concept of reality is changing dramatically and its thanks to me being a douchebag, me having a motivational head start, me becoming even more openminded and willing to accept criticism. Having a stable job, reading, hanging out, and meeting LGB have definitely helped to keep me occupied. The way all these differences influenced each other and my actions as a whole has made more progress than ever before. I no longer feel as if im carving a new path because im on top.

Dont get me wrong, days have been stressful. I still feel like im not up to par. As long as im not in classes, i dont have a co-op/internship, and i still work in CVS ill be below par in my standards. Ive been really fighting that stress lately because i hate working at CVS. The coworkers are chill and ive gotten a hang of things. I have to tone down on my flirtatious nature just because none of my coworkers are attractive anymore but that is no complaint, just a difference ive noticed between jobs.

I went to the bars for the first time last friday and i was so trashed it was ridiculous, apparently i was on the toilet speechless for 3 hours haha and someone had to carry me to bed. But it was great, i hung out with vitalis, big thomas, chris, larry, doug, sasha, samantha, and mckinzy. Funny side story is that sash is a girl i knew since freshman year and it was her birthday celebration friday. In freshman year i went to the library trashed to study for a final and i woke up when sasha was at the table saying "Omg, i have the biggest bags now because i havent slept for the longest time!" and i pointed laughed and said "haha, panda!" then passed back out. Everyone at the table knew i was the drunk asian guy studying and they apparently found that hysterical. ahah (i ended up getting a 90 on that test) lol. So now i call her panda XP anyways, Like usual my swag was on blast and i was talking up both of sash's friends cause they were both fairly attractive females. Fuckin rahman, he has this habit of taking pictures of me whenever im talking to girls at social events because most of the time i hook up with them lol. But this time, i didnt because i had LGB in my mind, i just like to flirt when im drunk.

He ended up posting that picture on facebook, sending me into a nervous wreck since LGB girl was texting me with one line phrases the entire next day and there were periods of three hours where she wouldnt respond. It got me really scared so confronted her about it directly in a text and she didnt even comment on it and continued with the conversation with a one worded phrase, very slowly. Then today i texted her in the afternoon and she didnt text me until 8pm. I was honestly like..f that shit im done but we started talking again and slowly but surely im understanding her unspoken language. Were actually getting serious now so its great. I found out she does meditate! haha and she smokes too! ahha. and shes super spontaneous like me :] i was so scared that i fucked it up these past two days that i went into a very wtf mood toward my friend for posting that picture to a apathetic mood then i finished with a accepting mood. I realized i can distance myself so easily since i have so little heart left to give. We patched it up tonight because she texted me at 8 then texted until sleep. Its just i feel as if im not afraid to lose anyone anymore but those that stay, are worth holding onto.

My problem now is moving past this surfacey relationship. I cant make any further moves until we freakin hang out again cause i dont want to take any next steps whatsoever unless we actually hang out more...Donvu invited me to Amherst but ehh...id miss parties i promised people id go to.


Which reminds me. Dan dinh, Welcome to Truth of kings! im glad you created a blog and i hope you find that its a great outlet. Me and dan were friends since freshman year and together we used to pick up so many girls. We lost contact for a while but now after crashing at his place for two nights im glad to welcome him back into my life as a bro and he already knows everyone in bfbg so its great.

I also will like to welcome Sue and Liz. These two are girls that heard i have a blog and i just gave it to them. This is me making a change. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts, even though i honestly dont even hang out with them im glad i can say im comfortable enough to share this with them.

The reason why my blog is titled misconception? its because im living a lie and i know it. I know that the reason why im blogging less isnt because im doing better but because im actually doing worse. Im getting skinner. I hate how rude some customers are in CVS. I havent found an internship yet, I havent been in school. Ive honestly been a fuckin mess. I cant look at my arms because it looks like im looking at a freakin twig. The only thing that is making me happy is LGB girl and yet im forced to be honestly indifferent about her because if im not then i honestly would be fucked if i mess it up at any given time. So i reep the bond for its emotional benefits without taxing my mentality.

On a more philosophical level i realized that even when a blend between selflessness and being content with what you have are found. All you are left with is what i found, Which is a selfish and a universal empty feeling. I consider it selfish because its not actually selflessness if im not risking a reasonable amount for that im receiving. This goes back to the fundamentals, the days of full metal alchemist. lol Also, if i can tell myself that what matters to me doesnt actually matter and mean it then what is meaningful? At this point, ive only succeeded in proving to myself that everything in this world is meaningless.