Diagnose

Ive been trying to blog but its hard. idk what to write about because there is this pain i feel. Ever since the mental meltdown ive been having chest pains that leave me gripping my chest for a couple minutes like my heart skipped one two many beats and out of wack due to uncoordinated circulation, if thats possible. I havent told anyone about this because it hasnt really bothered me. Its just me living on the edge like usual.

Ive been coming off as a very happy person and i truely am content...but to a certain extent. Its the combination of the chest pains, my nightmares, the way i feel in the mornings, the way i have to force myself to sleep at night, and actually the madness that as crept into my daily life that is ridiculous. Its becoming harder for me to believe that i got out of that meltdown unscathed. Ive been through so many mental breakdowns that they actually became my way of learning, they dont bother me like they do for any other person... but that, wasnt a normal breakdown. Im understanding that im holding a lot inside and even i cant access it. I think my subconscious-self said, "NOPE, Fuck that shit! youre NOT doing this again." And then threw it down the deepest darkest hole i know. Right now by typing about it i feel constant mild chest pains. These emotions are clearly strong enough to effect my physical body so i need to make it a comfy pillow or something to lay on while i tackle it head on.

I guess these chest pains are fear. Fear that insanity is so close by. Actually if you noticed i changed my blog title from YTINASNI to Truthofkings because i thought ive gotten past that part of me. YTINASNI is insanity backwards. I wrote it backwards to remind myself that insanity is close behind but it should be left behind. I changed it to truthofkings because i thought it was left behind and im in a safe haven now. I should be far enough away from my old self for me to ever be able to even relate to my oldself. As shown from my recovery this may be true to an extent but damn.

You dont understand how it feels to be drowned in stress. Your head feels like its going to split in two and you want to scream as a rush of every emotion comes to you at once which soon turns completely foul due to the pressure and the indescribable feeling of every emotion working against one another. Complete madness suddenly engulfs your head and you cant think. Its complete and utter chaos that can send anyones head into lala land. like seriously your brain will fry, so it feels. I fought it the night of and the only way to fight insanity is with hope and reason. Keep reminding myself that there is a world around me and that life matters and others matter and my head isnt just a black hole haha. Try to find the emotion that first started the war and say...STOP..STOP IT. Thats why i can never feel jealousy. I erased that emotion from me a long ago, I know i can feel it again, but i choose not to by decision. Jealousy is the easiest way for me to go nuts. There is nothing to stop jealousy and its such a counter productive emotion. Once you feel jealous you try not to feel jealous but you just get more jealous and it becomes a plague. Then, of course, you you try to be happy and that gets into the mix but then saddness is thrown in then anger, distress, confusion and bam...complete and utter chaos. I know when im ready to propose to a girl when i trust and feel so comfortable around her that i know ill never need to feel jealousy for the rest of my life.

Im not saying im going to go loco i definitely have it in check but these reactions really have been bothering me. As you can tell though there is a wall holding it back its actually getting tempered with typing this post because of the constant chest pains and the uncomfort im feeling. There is no rhyme or reason to insanity in my head, its sole objective is to allow my head to be completely wiped and fry so that anger can take over and raid everything lol. My insanity is simply the amount of stress i was carrying when i was in 9th grade in order to keep my anger in check haha. So theres a bigger beast behind this shit LOL. ah the crazy psychopathic life of thomas. The only reason why i had so much stress is because id use the stress to get angry and with the anger id use it to meditate and do crazy shit. It doesnt take much stress to get someone angry so if my body is hiding this much insanity, imagine how much anger is behind that. Lol. Thats why im scared.

What i told myself though, if you flip back like...20 blogpost is that im trying to just accept my past and welcome it as a part of me in an optimistic manner, tell people my story like its a once upon a time and its something that made me who i am. I tell myself that this is why ive been feeling insecure and why insanity has crept its way back. Its because even though i havent said anything about it when i write something in my blog, i fucking mean it. Thats why it helps me with my memory because i materialize this thought and even though im not thinking about it im working on it. So im writing a story of myself, for myself to better myself. I shouldnt worry about this insanity because it honestly isnt close at all. Its just that i opened a door i shut a long time ago and im seeing it all again just now but hopefully this is a sign that im making progress. Im changing into 1 person. Soon itll weave itself into my life, might take months or years of remembering things as they were, biting down accepting it then continuing but hey you know. This is how it should be. I realized this talking to my friend because he has a problem with purging and he saw this as an urgent matter. Mind you hes seen my manic side before, hes a very close friend of mind that unfortunately was brought into this mess. Now he has a problem with purging but hes a VERY smart guy, hes also gay and has been infatuated with me for the past 4 years >.>...but ive been rejecting him since cause im not gay. lol.

I told him "If you're too busy worrying about the present of course youre going to hate yourself. the present is always the worse place to live in because people are forever trying to better themselves. Instead of worrying about youre purging problems think about future problems and how that might affect your future plans." Many times when youre stuck between a rock and a hotspot just think of it in that manner and it should do the trick. Most of the time youre going to come to the realization that huh...this is only a phase that i have to get to to learn this. TADA! you fixed youre problem. You see, thats why i have my shit on lock because even though my insanity is troubling me i got it in check because im simply thinking this is me in the present really trying to push through shit, of course its going to look ugly. Whether or not the result of it is going to be worthwhile is what i should be thinking about.

Sometimes people have bad habits but yu know, they make them who they are i cant say anyone in this world is "normal." at least none of my friends. I like it like that because i feel like i belong. I have loose ends and im clearly a bit mental but i got shit under control. Problem now will be fucking completely cleaning up this mess so i can focus on my job, internship, and classes which are all coming very soon. Im glad i finally got that off my chest because the chest pains has loosened up..lol.

Youre not done yet thomas, far from it. You have a wonderful life ahead of you whether you know it or not. Dont let this month bother you. haha

Maybe i just need to go to the gym again, i remember how i felt when i went to the gym last time and i seriously was just tense completely spent but just the most relieved i ever was. It was like wild angry sex. Lol Maybe this is just my testosterone...Because i taught my body that raw power comes from stress at a young age. That is actually a very likely possibility. You wouldnt like me to punch you if i got angry XD Dont underestimate a small guy especially when i know a thing or two about chi lol. FUS RO DAH! lol

Edit:

I need to fix my grammar! holy shit. you can tell when i get really into a blogpost though when i have alot of run ons and terrible grammar. lol I type the way i think and i vomit onto the page so when its run a run-on on paper its actually one thought in my head. The hiccups mid sentence that suddenly break into a different topic or lacks punctuation or is a fragmented statement means i want to get that thought out. Just think it write it, dont want to sit on it AT ALL. lol Just pick up my, i guess, mood and body language by how bad my grammar gets please. Im just getting annoyed now because im beginning to write a lot more professional emails and take more professional phone calls. Hell, im wearing a suit right now. lol Tell me i dont grip my life by the horns and im a failure and i WILL. FUCK. YOU. UP. BOYYIEEE lol