A change of seasons

So i forget which number this is but yeah. Im currently in moses' dorm, we were celebrating welbys birthday haha hes so trashed cause i kept feeding him liqour :P. In other news, I quit smoking for 4 days then failed today. I realized why i felt so stressed lately because of the dream which i now remember. It was of present me holding my head in agony because i broke the anger wall inside my head and i was rushed by the urge of killing dozens of people then myself. Insanity at its finest lol. True story though i used to have the urge to kill but i had enough control to just listen to my music and keep to myself while i fantasized of jabbing someone in the ear with a pen in my pocket lol. With dreams like that its no wonder ive been so stressed lately. The not so funny thing is these dreams could very much become true if i tore down that wall i put against anger, especially in this new mindset. But it would never happen lol.

Edit::
Way to start a blogpost huh? haha well today is a new day and i feel great! i got the job at cvs this morning and im stoked! im looking at a pay of 9-10 an hour. Which is a step up compared to Anf!. Im really going to miss seeing beautiful friendly people day in and out but eh thats life. Money comes before friends when all things are said and done. Thats why you never should speak money with friends..only business. And if money does get involved make it a personal matter. I learned that the hard way.

Anyways i need to spew out alot cause of this first day of smoking biz haha made me realize A LOT while i enjoying it right outside downtown crossing waiting for friends. I realized that i have this very special characteristic to me that people gain when they become more mature, but ive earned it many years ago. Its the simple ability to let go completely. Many people forever hold an emotional view on another once there is a fall out or something but for me, i simple establish that i either started off on the wrong foot or didnt know them enough, regardless i respect them for who they are and i draw that line. That means it starts completely from scratch. Everyone is in this world together and i refuse to believe people can go through life being a douchebag, some people can because there is a balance. People like those are are whom we call bros. Not the bro like i would call a bro but a bro like a jock douchebag bro. lol But if youre in college and youre intellegent enough to step foot in MY social network i safely assume youre intelligent and mature to a certain extent aka, not self-destructive, which would be douchebags, flat out assholes. Seriously, i do well to subconsciously pick my social networking. The world has an interesting way of attracting people within a spectrum fit for your personality into your life.

Another thing i realized is that im not too far off from this whole meditation thing anymore, its clearly no longer fiction, but the limits are obscure. While i was outside enjoying my smoke i was only wearing 3 layers. A undershirt, sweater and spring jacket and everyone was staring at me weird. I was looking at myself weird cause i was warm. The secret is a simple trick, not very meditation like at all but its the foundation, the first step. Using your mind to manipulate the physical body. If you look at saolin martial artist online they have balls of steel, literally. Head stronger than concrete and skin that cannot be cut or pierced. These things are of course, physically impossible to many but its just manipulation and complete and utter belief that they are indestructible. Im far from that, in order to think that you must prove to yourself that you are which takes years and decades of physical training and meditation but you get my point. Anywho a simple trick i use is when im in the cold i sacrifice one body part such as my hand and hold a block of ice, or get it wet then expose it to the cold air. Hell it was cold enough to just leave it out of my pocket yesterday and have that be enough. With that body part isolated and getting frozen im able to heat up the rest of my body by telling myself, "you see? cold is something that varies and if one part is this cold and i am not then that must mean that i am warm. No matter how cold i am if i make one part colder then my whole body warms up haha. It works. Then the cold part gets so cold that it numbs so its a double win haha. I got frostbite doing that once cause it was a intense winter but yeah thats a story for another time. lol cause without physical training your body can only go so far.

With that being said i honestly do believe humans only use 10% of their brain. Sure a healthy brain would glow brightly on the MRI cat scan to show that you are not using just 10% but one can safely agree that there are geniuses. People like the past me which think in a more broader sense. Theyre able to absorb and analyze information in such large quantities and such a fast rate that the only thing left for them to challenge themselves with is to multitask with all this knowledge. All of which, a very unstressful and maybe comfortable and thrilling lifestyle. People living and depending on the mediocre day to day education to learn and further grow makes humans look retarded compared to what any of us could be. I learn by reading and sure, that happens on a linear graph but if youre able to apply that and find it fit to be prtical in life then learning it becomes so much more powerful. Its hard to describe because im not a genius but i know how it feels for information to just...keep coming and clicking like an engine that just works. I guess thats why im so down in the dump all the time, because i know how i feels to be better and yet im not that. I abide by the system and learn by what people teach me and what falls into my lap. I guess what im trying to get at is..the curious mind and the young heart go a very long way. So enough of that rant.

Ive been holding in that rant for a long long time and its been in my gut and i felt its burden.

I was hanging out with moses last night and it was weird, not going to lie. But he tried his hardest so that i do feel that way. Im so glad i met this guy, we grew up together and many compared us to each other because well, we were exposed to the same network of people for our entire life thusfar and like me, he is a very intuitive feller. I need to hang out with him more because since him and i sync i can learn alot from him. Hes not very different from me at all but he managed to reach many of his goals while ive been held back by inhibitions and passion for why man CANT reach goals. Im outwardly very optimistic always and no one can prove i am not optimistic otherwise but pessimism runs deep in my blood. Another contradiction in my life. Im jealous of that guy now, he has a stable academic life, a fine family in which i know and can relate to, a beautiful girlfriend, not my type though but its right for him, and a stable income. Hes a mature guy that is very friendly and open but only if you ask him the right questions. He is a very mysterious guy that even i cant understand but i feel as if i know him so well. He speaks softly but carries a big stick and he found a girl that fits that perfectly. young curious heart, conservative yet loving, attractive and well. shit go moses lol. I can see them going a long way together. Welby, it was his birthday last night and he has a girlfriend as well to fit his more openly humorous nature. She takes care of him as much as he makes her laugh and smile. Its a very close and happy relationship. Jasper is another roommate which has a girlfriend as well. Yes, i was the seventh fucking wheel. lol. I dont know jasper as well but he has a genuine heart, all three of these men do, and they found worthy woman. I tried to not be the seventh wheel as much as possible by treating them all equally, even being more flamboyant if necessary haha.

Last night was a good addition to the rant because well, though these men found suitable females i noticed im much different in everyway but similar in so much. I ask for so much more while not providing enough. The day i can balance this ill be happy. I need someone that can see and understand my open mind and teach me new things while appreciating what i have and what ive done. Thats alot to ask for seeing how i feel as if i havent done much. And that is my flaw. I need to work on myself more and i admit it i always have but you know, sometimes i feel as if this process would move alot faster with someone by my side to support me and push me forward. I guess you can say i did feel rather lonely last night but it was a worthy sacrifice when im around old friends that really did what they wanted.

Im not going to lie, Its scary seeing old friends around me making career worthy moves, steps with relationships that seem as if they are meant for the lifetime. This has been happening all around me in northeastern and in my bu friends. I guess im scared of growing up but do not confuse that with unwillingness. I wish to be right next to them, everyone successful and stable in my generation with my ambitions in hand and willpower in the other. I cant waste anymore time.

With that, A change of seasons by dream theater is such a powerful song, vocally, lyrically, and instrumentally. The artist said he wanted to write a song like those of his predecessors which tells a story and i quote, "Basically, I took a lot of personal incidents, like losing my mother and a couple of things that happened in my life, and I wrote them into the lyrics. Like, on a smaller scale, I wouldn't try to compare it with this, but when I listen to Pink Floyd's The Wall, there are a lot of emotions there - just a lot of frustrations and anger. He goes full circle, the character. He has a child and just as he's about to pass on and die, now his son is going to have to live the life he did and go through those same experiences." Its a very poetic 23 minute song and i fucking love it.

I. The Crimson Sunrise
(Instrumental)

II. Innocence
I remember a time
My frail, virgin mind
watched the crimson sunrise
Imagined what it might find
Life was filled with wonder
I felt the warm wind blow
I must explore the boundaries
Transcend the depth of winter's snow
Innocence caressing me
I never felt so young before
There was so much life in me
Still I longed to search for more
But those days are gone now
Changed like a leaf on a tree
Blown away forever
into the cool autumn breeze
The snow has now fallen
and my sun's not so bright
I struggle to hold on
with the last of my might
In my den of inequity
viciousness and subtlety
struggle to ease the pain
struggle to find the sane
Ignorance surrounding me
I've never been so filled with fear
All my life's been drained from me
The end is drawing near....

III. Carpe Diem
'Carpe diem, seize the day'
I'll always remember
The chill of November
The news of the fall
The sounds in the hall
The clock on the wall ticking away
'Seize the Day'
I heard him say
Life will not always be this way
Look around
Hear the sounds
Cherish your life while you're still around

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying."

We can learn from the past
But those days are gone
We can hope for the future
But there may not be one
The words stuck in my mind
alive from what I've learned
I have to seize the day
To home I returned
Preparing for her flight
I held with all my might
Fearing my deepest fright
She walked into the night
She turned for one last look
She looked me in the eye
I said, 'I Love You...Good-bye'

"It's the most awful thing you'll
ever hear."
"If you're lying to me..."
"Oh, you dearly love her."
"...just have to leave... all our lives."
"Seize the day!"
"Something happened.
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."
"She was killed."

IV. The Darkest of Winters
(Instrumental)

V. Another World
So far or so it seems
All is lost with nothing fulfilled
Off the pages and a T.V. screen
Another world where nothing's true
Tripping through the life fantastic
Lose a step and never get up
Left alone with a cold blank stare
I feel like giving up
I was blinded by a paradise
Utopia high in the sky
A dream that only drowned me
Deep in sorrow, wondering why
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Then string him up for all the world to see
I'm sick of all you hypocrites
holding me at bay
And I don't need your sympathy
to get me through the day
Seasons change and so can I
Hold on boy, No time to cry
Untie these strings, I'm climbing down
I won't let them push me away
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Now it's time for them to deal with me

VI. The Inevitable Summer
(Instrumental)

VII. The Crimson Sunset
I'm much wiser now
A lifetime of memories
run through my head
They taught me how
for better or worse, alive or dead
I realize there's no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track
I sit down with my son
Set to see the Crimson Sunset
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
Many years have come and gone
I've lived my life, but now must move on
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
He is my only one
Now that my time has come
Now that my life is done
We look into the sun
'Seize the day and don't you cry,
Now it's time to say good-bye
Even though I'll be gone,
I will live on, live on.'

My favorite part is the third, Carpe Diem. A youtube fan broke down the different seasons and explained what each section meant lyrically and i could not say it better than him. "A solemn, melancholic movement, its lyrics deal with the idea of 'Seize the Day'. The character recalls how meaningful words he heard before had affected his way of living. He (supposing the character is a man) was taught to "seize the day", by someone, and that he should "cherish your life while you're [he's] still around". However, he expresses doubt for such hope and appreciation, as we never know what the future may hold.

Portnoy's high school teacher once held an entire lesson about the quite "Carpe Diem" - Seize the day, take nothing for granted, and said to the students that they should go home and let the ones they love, know they loved them. This is exactly what Portnoy did. Him and his mother had had a fight earlier, and as Portnoy came home, she was about to leave town. Portnoy's mother died in an airplane crash, that very night, and if it wasn't for Mike's high school teacher, he and his mother would not have made up before her death. The "Carpe Diem" themes in A Change Of Seasons are rooted from here.[2]

Quotes from the Robert Herrick poem "To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time" can be found in here.
At the end, the character enters a process of awakening, but is met by the demise of a loved one."-kyled---92 (i would cite you kyle but i dont want this to link to my page and have crazy dream theater fans read my life story lol)

anyways. if youre not going to read that or the lyrics read this.

"I'll always remember/ The chill of November/ The news of the fall/ The sounds in the hall/ The clock on the wall ticking away/ 'Seize the Day'/ I heard him say/ Life will not always be this way/ Look around/ Hear the sounds/ Cherish your life while you're still around/ "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,/ Old Time is still a-flying;/ And this same flower that smiles today,/ Tomorrow will be dying."/ We can learn from the past/ But those days are gone/ We can hope for the future/ But there may not be one/ The words stuck in my mind/ alive from what I've learned/ I have to seize the day/ To home I returned"

The whole song is beautiful but this part when i hear it i just close my eyes and seriously its an eargasm haha. The solo and lyrics are amazing! haha

"I'm much wiser now A lifetime of memories run through my head They taught me how for better or worse, alive or dead I realize there's no turning back Life goes on the offbeaten track"

edit::

Im not a believer but i get disciplined by life everyday and i believe that. Now youre messing with someone definitely closer to life than you, i hope you get whats coming to you. just saying. Karma. I never smite people directly you see, i use their actions against them. I gave you a fresh start thn you dumb just fucked up at the getgo. Thats fine hey its not me. haha cause i aint shit yet.