Harmony

Its such a beautiful word. Theres so many ways to define it so no matter who you go up to and ask the definition requires some depth to it..i just feel like it has such a pure connotation. Much more pure than love. I mean i used to define love as the closest thing to your hell. I mean, you have to give SO much to get SO much that once its gone...ehh. My definition has changed of course to a much more loving just..love lol but anyways, harmony.

Its something i lack, ive lacked it my whole life which is why i cant tie the knot with any girl and which is why my blogpost have increased in the past year. Im happier now but as time progresses im less harmonious. why? cause im really digging a brand new life for myself, becoming everything i wasnt. These contradictions arent who i was before it was of someone that did a sloppy job in a matter of two years and was like...specifics? fuck i need no specific mindset im just openminded. All i need to make sure to focus on is openmindedness to blend the clash, love, hope, and willpower. Done all the work one needed to do in 20 years just shrunk to one and honestly its quite the efficent way to deal, not going to lie. Im working out the kinks while i go. The willpower did nicely to grow into confidence perseverance and motivation while hope and love just...well it grew to who i am today. Thats really the foundation of life..but harmony...you know without harmony all of this would be like trying to swim onland..i mean youd move but theres no flow. lol. Forgot to add that in, way to genius old thomas. lol Im using these characteristics of life, if you will, because there were several which i held hands with last night that was not part of the plan.

Failure. Pathetic. and Death. I smoked again yday and my god. I thought ive had bad trips but this one..man i never felt like more shit in my life. Seriously, i should have seen it coming with the stress ive been feeling with theresa i threw under some bus, the nightmares ive been having and the lifestyle of complete nothingness. And with all that i had my new years resolutions engraved in my head as a strict and unquestionable to do list. The result after this concoction? Feeling like a complete and utter failure. No, you know usually i can bring myself back up, shrug it off and keep smiling cause im with friends and stuff but for some odd reason i just couldnt.

Actally im lying i do know why. whenever i have bad trips or even good highs the things i noticed that night, ill never ever know if it was true. Sure i might have heard what i heard but that doesnt exactly mean its toward me or hell, if i heard that at all. Its brocode if dudes dont have chicks and theyre trying to have a fun time...just have a fun time and speak nothing of it after. Its like kinda common sense. Feels really gay when you go up to your dude the next morning like soo yeah last night was fun...The fuck? lolol true story.

So yeah im stuck thinking everyone was making fun of my haircut. i coulda sworn they were going on about who got a 5 dollar haircut for like..10 mins.. but then again im high i got selective hearing and 10 mins could actually only be 1...WHO KNOWS lol. But still it got me feeling like shit cause bitch please im on a budget i gave up my 25 dollar barber and at least had the cash to get a 15 dollar haircut. *cough* anyways. Im trying to sugar coat this story cause you dont understand...It was a complete and utter mental meltdown but i didnt cry. LOL to have you know, i just left. But i went to the bathroom to wash my face cause i wanted to tell myself im high, im hearing things thomas stop it. But while i was in the bathroom i was hearing the guys say stuff like this guy is not even a real student. and whos happy to be working at a...forgot what word they used but it wasnt convenience store. and i mean it just collapsed i heard everything from me being cheap cause i could only spend 10 bucks on a 20 dollar poker night. How i am not actual student. I coulda sworn they got into an all out conversation about kids that dont grow up in a financially stable home or are first generation. Which seriously only brings it down to me. Im the only dude there thats first generation or even asian. Fuck. and when i got out i pretended like nothing was happening, im just baked, is what i thought. this isnt going to ruin my high. I know doug and chris were sober so i sat next to them and i was like first things first..doug usually has a hat so i was like "Yo doug, let me borrow your hat" and hes like..what? im like let me see your hat dude. and hes like what? i dont...why do you need a hat? and im like..let me wear it? and hes like..why do you need a hat?! and it got intense quick and i coulda SWORN while this was happening guys behind me were throwing down money on the table for me to buy a hat and i heard someone say this guy doesnt even have enough to get a hat?! and i got so fustrated i was like..fuck nevermind! and i up and left. I just left. and i walked from symphony...was going to get on ruggles but i was like..fuck its probably closed so i started walking home thinking fuck i wish i had my longboard. Its the worse feeling to think after the vacation that you made no difference to better yourself. All your bros are officially judging you. fuck.

I was then getting paranoid high. I tried to avoid the parinod high by blasting acdc but that didnt help because i started feeling a sharp pressure dig into the center of my back. I was like FUCK. THIS. NIGHT. I threw off my headphones, spun around and had my fist up and no one was there. I saw this guy though, it was a mirage but it was a guy right in front of my face with a knife and a smirk. My dreams are becoming reality. I knew this cause i knew i was baked and he wasnt real since the image of him was transparent so i turned back around and put in my headphones and continued walking. I walked to roxbury crossing and i sat in the station for a while waiting for the last train that never ended up coming. My head was racing at the speed of light from all the stress. I breathed and tried to calm myself with my music and i put the heaviest rock on my phone to keep up with the pace so i could slow it down but it just got worse. I ended up whipping out my phone looking at "home"..closing it..calling lauren instead and leaving her a voicemail saying lauren, just wanna say i love you and i dont want to call my family because i know i might just be tripping balls but i feel like im dying. and then i sat there just bathing in my agony for a while. My heart ripped, my head on the brink of insanity. I turned off my music and i started hearing voices. I continued seeing the figures and once i heard something scatter and i open my eyes and a dark figure swings to my left and i turn my head and stare and i see the dark figure just swing behind me and im like..welp. Fuck this shit haha. I actually laughed. then i got a text from doug saying, "you okay?" I call him and im like..yeah im in roxbury crossing im fine just..having a really shitty night and hes like im coming to get you and im like alright. while i was waiting i started hearing more voices...honestly i think roxbury crossing is haunted cause i mean i have enough experience in my dreams to not flip shit and to fuck with the graphicness instead so i while i was waiting i whispered, "You there?" and thats when i heard swaying metal in the tunnels past the tracks and im like...great. that you see is either another enigma or its actually real and im tupid to even try cause now im just spooked. Doug ends up calling me back saying im upstairs. right after that..and the stairs seriously...looked haunted. i was like fuck this shit and i went upstairs and met him up...then poured my heart out to him in chris's car, went back to the place. Everyone laughed it off we all had one more beer then everyone left. i was driven home by chris and i told him what happen..and hes like man you need to lay off that shit bro and me still being high was like..yeah. then i came home and passed the fuck out haha

Today i felt like complete and utter shit. You dont understand after physically experiencing the dream i felt of death after having everyone tell you youre not going anywhere and life and you honestly seeing that as true...on top of being parnoid or even think you should be afraid of getting jumped, and talking to ghost. ehh.. Its a pretty shitty night lol. Amazingly, old thomas had worse lol. So i went out to see if the world was still round, i was honestly preparing myself to actually go to school and something really ridiculous happen and find out im actually dead and im actually a ghost or something. Cause seriously, i felt like i was dying in that subway station and what was i doing? well i went to the end smoked a cigarette,sat,and tried to listen to music while my little high self was "communicating with the other side". lol. My head felt like it split in two and i gone stupid and i was fighting insanity and my heart felt like it was beating so fast that it was running out of energy and i was gradually loosing the feeling of its harsh beating..more like it was still beating fast but it was all less intense.

Im not smoking again until i finish my new years resolutions. thats for sure. but yeah, After half of the day trying to convince myself im not manic and chronically insane due to insecurites i picked myself up slightly and yeah i feel alot better. lol. Cause i know its all in my head. And you know what? fuck if its just in my head its not going to kill me so try to enjoy life. Thats always my scapegoat and well..it works lol. just say FUCK EVERYTHING. An old proverb that suits this situation nicely goes kinda like this, "A watched pot never boils." Im so into the little details of my life and human behavior that im actually progressing so slow with life when i think im changin quickly..tell me if im just mindfucking myself cause im not sure if thats me subconciously trying to convince myself to change faster and i already change really fast. Trying to save the world from a bipolar male LOL. but yeah IF my theory is correct then thats the reason why i think im genius but im not. I think so much that i dont actually DO. That was the problem with my oldself and i fixed that..kinda. Thats kinda why i dont wanna get into meditation again. I get obsessed. lol and when i do practice its apparently on yang. like holy shit.

Well my last post had one really bad beginning that kinda smoothed the mood out by the end so i thought id to the complete opposite this time lol. Start nicely and just livid the whole way through. lol

Oh i had a date with a girl today...actually she was like..my if anything fucks up its okay i got this! haha and itll be a really good fallback too. sorry babe, but were just at that level you know<3? she said to me once yeah i dont know why youre still single! but shes forever taken! now shes finally single and what did i do? oh just not text her even though i asked her out for coffee. good job thomas. There goes another failure. lolol this is becoming like a game now or something. shit fuck..well i dont really care haha i have so much work on myself i need to work on that when i get to the level where im confident and i can say at least with a leap like last time and sure i can be in a relationship haha then maybe ill be mad at myself. But i sent her a friendly text apologizing for not texting her cause drinking with friends last ngiht got out of hand and screwed up my schedule for today. and that i didnt forget about her. which is true. I was going to wake up early pick up my check and buy shoes with kanji then go take her to coffee and movie etc...but that failed. LOL all of it failed. hard haha.

But me and lauren are rebonding! she knows i <3 her and i know she <3s me back but we honestly havent opened ourselves to each other recently. Im glad this happened to me because of that. speaking of lauren she just sent me a song that i feel like i can relate to alot...Gotye- Somebody that i used to know. Kinda reminds me of me and theresa for some reason lol and me and well...10 other girls. lolol its a very beautiful song though. very poetic and artistic. I see the wall as the world between these two and how its becoming very abstract and confused...the artworld is actually something foul and as he continues singing he is pulled into this world, becoming abstract himself because hes caught over someone he USED to know, by the end hes completely covered and feels distraught. But he does sing about "I dont even need your love. but you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough" She has been completely camouflaged through his soliloquy, apparently distraught herself but she said she cant take this anymore and shes moving on and as she does her painting comes off and hes saying...someone i used to know..meaning hes still not over her. but shes clean, jsut one color..and she walks off. So hell And i guess thats how the cookie crumbles..

I guess if i was to pull out the stress of whats left, i honestly dont know what the fuck happened but eh. you know i have more important matters to attend to right now and im sure that by the time im done itll all have cleared up lol roadkillinfo. lol the name of my lastblog's url. Its like shit that stresses me out but i threw that shit under a bus so now its all roadkillinfo lol

To quickly tie up this blogpost yada yada yada this experience has shown me that im not harmonious. lol hate conclusions but i need to work on my writing. I hate writing conclusions. but you know i need to actually start using title intro body and conclusion better, this blogging hobby of mine could make me a serious writer.
So future thomas. When you read this, could you diagnose me?