Fucked up.

My old house was haunted...and i always thought it was the basement. The basement was so creepy. It literally looked like they left the foundation bare as it was and make that a basement. The floor was made by some weird rock as well as the walls and there was this deep dark corner to it..my parents used to always have to go down and do their laundry but i always hated that place. I was much more in tune when i was younger...especially when i was younger and i just...got a really bad feeling from that place.

I guess i have a mater now, I cant handle much stress at all anymore and if i do have any stress then i have very disturbing nightmares. Let me show you how disturbed my head is. This dream was a story so its not controlled, but the characterization was convincing and the map of the house was spot on. My eldest sister my dad and i were watching tv late at night one night with the basement door open. My mother was the first to die..She went downstairs and over the tv me my dad and my sister started hearing slushing noises, Like someone stepping in an icy puddle close by or well, someone cutting meat. Then we heard a crack. My dad switched off the tv and the three of us sat there listening, wondering what that was. We started to hear whispering and my dad in chinese called out to our mom. He calls out again when she doesnt respond and we heard breaking bones and more slicing meat. Then we heard a highpitch strill and a demonic voice jokingly talked to us for 30 minutes. It was happy, then sad, then angry. The tones it was using was telling us he was enjoying himself and to back the fuck off and let him stay in our basement. My dad talked to it in chinese like wheres my wife?! and the voice went INSANE half gibberish half manic laugh. Me and my sister were absolutely truamatized. Laurie was passed out because she usually always passes out early. My dad goes and closes the door, locks it, then urges us all to come upstairs with him and sleep,we call the cops. We sleep and there was actually a pause in my dream. Unlike My new place which IS a basement, I actually saw sunlight and when i woke up and opened my eyes and for a split second when my eyes adjusted to the birghtness of the morning, I saw a face. This terrified me and i remember that my mother is dead I look around to see my dad not in bed, He used to share the same bedroom as i. This made me anxious and i ran to my sisters room, They were in bed and my oldest sister was telling the younger what happened the night before. I asked them where daddy is and they said hes downstairs talking to police. I went downstairs and right when i stood next to daddy i saw the pictures the detective was holding to his side. My mothers neck was spun 360 to look downwards but she was looking down hair everywhere because the back was broken as well, bent like a slouched back. Her arms were chopped off and i fainted. The nights were always the same. My dad and i sat downstairs because i refused to be without him, Even if it brought me closer to the evil demon. I was reasonable when i was little. Id rather be with him and have more firepower against this thing, then none and seperated, and if worse came to worse, loosing him too. My sisters were upstairs because they didnt see reason just fear. Me and my dad tried to lighten the mood by talking and he had a hair dryer and used it as a gun. With his weird funny laugh he walked around the living room with it out in front of him and said in chinese "This makes me feel baddass, Im a cop!" Me being a little kid found it funny because he was able to keep such a light attitude. Some nights we didnt hear anything but other nights we'd hear the mumbling and manic talks. Sometimes some screams and every morning we would find the basement door opened again, regardless if there were voices or not the night before. Truamatized after weeks i got used to it, i grew a pair. The demon just wanted to be alone but the whispers and the mumbles and the talks that seemed as if thee creature were telling us stories at night, maybe of all the wretched things its done made me a become a very ugly person. I Find it funny because my dream states that the demon made my dad as cranky as he is in real life. Lol Thats how cranky he is -_-'' seriously. I remember one night i went to the basement door and yelled "SHUT UP!" Then slammed the door and lcoked it as quickly as possible. The door rattled very angrily but then it stopped for the rest of the night.

But i have a very nice backround. Its fenced off on the side though because on the other side is legit woods. There were woods that went on for 2 blocks past that fence. When i was little me and my sister would lay in my big backyard and look over the fence at the tall trees and the veins wrapping around the electric wire. There was one tree taller than the rest and it looked amazing, we hear alot of what seemed like exotic bird calls. This was all in the projects of High Park, True story.

Anyways as the dream continued a week past and it was july 4th. Everyone was in and out of my house, surrounding my house because my neighbor was hosting a party, like usual. Lol So the air was filled with reggeton and festivities. I took advantage of that to tell my neighbors about it and a friend of my neighbors didnt believe me so they came into my house without anyone knowing. The demon clearly didnt like new people up to no good in the house. We had 10 locks on the basement door by july 4th and it didnt even open in the morning anymore. HE opened the fucking door and welp..victim #2. Back broken, head twisted and arms chopped off. But this time i looked a the pictures and cuddled next to the dead body was a little troll, a gremlin. The forensics team picked it up. ITs skin was transparent but there was a green tint to it, as if that was the color of its organs. I didnt see its face but thats when i woke up.

Fuckin why would my head make me a little kid just to truamatize me?

Edit::

This nightmare truamatized me the entire day. But that is the potential of meditation. 10 hours to 2 weeks. Its as far as the dream could reach and that was the first thing i noted. That is my potential right now unconciously. Idk about you but i find that fascinating. To learn as much as you would in 2 weeks as what you would in 10 hours? lol. The maniac voice was running in my head the entire day. It seriously is trumatizing when it felt like i had to sleep to that for a whole two weeks, To live on such an edge for two weeks. Imagine being 10 years old and trapped in a mental asylum for 2 weeks.

Ironic thing about that with this dream running in my head all day is that the nightmare could easily be a metaphor for my insanity. basement was the metaphor for that dark hole in me. The manic talk was my insanity and the first death being my mother is honestly no coincidence. Maybe that expresses my deep unknown hatred for her. She is the reason why i am so distant from my family today and why my dad is so cranky. It was because of her my dad disowned me and my head did a backflip and made me think..fuck family. I support them now and i love them i honestly do, but i feel as if much of the connection i have with them has been forever lost along with my memories. This is nothing i usually bring up because ehh idk i was thinking about it today and trying to explain why this dream occured. It makes sense that it made my dad as cranky as he was today and not more cranky. No, What was more interesting was the fact that i could dream about him in a happy state, because i honestly dont remember the last time i felt a genuine smile on his face. The way people died were symbolic as well. I noticed that in order to better myself ive become a very spiteful person and that transition actually happened during my more recent breakdowns. I see spite in the way the deaths were done. The chopped arms made the victims defenseless then he would break the neck so that the face would no longer show. Last the broken back. Idk about you but broken back to me symbolizes agony to me. Proverbs such as "I'll bear/carry your burdens" or "Id bend over backward for you" or idk.. alot of burden and agony comes with the back and when analyzing the dream i saw it as fit. My insanity wanted to see what i see, feel like all hope is gone then die with the utmost burden and honestly thats how i smite people. The gremlin is symbolic of my insanity. its transparent so you cant tell its there but its there and the green represented i want to say jealousy. It was in the same fetal position as its victim in my dream because it was most likely agonizing for the unnecessary victims. It was jealous of the happy go lucky mind. Honestly, I feel like i curse people with my open mind. Even when i was manic 5 years ago i grieved for all my friends that had to listen to me speak. It was of truths i found of the world and of myself, mass contradictions that noone could ever do anything about. Its the feeling of dispair that i shared. The curious mind died in the same manner but only because it stepped into that world and saw the ideas. The world is a very ugly place and that is a very pessimistic very to life but insanity knew it as true and regardless of whether or not ideas are true the person sharing it could convince it to be true due to the undying belief for those concepts. Thats only natural, a good example would be religion or this blogpost alone. I have sucessfully convinced you that i have insanity deep within me but why? because of a dream and an explanation. Yeah sure the nightmare is a bit disturbing but isnt any? Its the explanation that sold it to you. With that explaination was confidence and a clear pattern that could only be found with indisputable belief within myself. I found the reason to this dream because i looked for it and spoke of only the explanations i wanted you to hear. For example notice how i didnt question why even though i hate my dad, in the dream he was my knight in shining armor? I honestly dont know why i chose to stick so close to him in the dream because ive never been close with my dad. He is a very respectable man though and through and i know that he would support me if shit went sour. So question is does this make me insane even though i proved myself so? Thats up to you to decide.

Regardless, It was as if i successfully preformed inception by planting a memory into my younger years because i was experiencing that from a younger mind. I guess thats what happens when im under stress and i let go of inhibitions. Im back into a learning child state, something very dangerous for someone like me to feel especially when i experience stress because bam nightmares like these happen. Im able to feel like a child again therefore i can reteach myself things via dreaming.

Another blogpost about my burdens. Thats why i take everything with full strides and im so serious with everything and yet im so happy go lucky. lol. Which is why i honestly havent been feeling myself. Honestly, I felt better with theresa than i do her. Ive been forced into such a confined space that no matter who i talk to now its the same. Very dull conversations about me. Straight up. Like i met someone new today. Nobody special just an acquaintance of acquaintances and i was talking about clothes, school, books, movies but there is a level of conversation where i need to reach that makes me feel comfortable and that is of course for me unspoken. It is only with unspoken communication does that structured shit prosper in my mind. Because then i go on and on about how reckless i am and how much crazy shit ive done and what i do but that doesnt make me who i am. Its only with the unspoken communication that i know what to say, when to say it and how to word things because i feel like flow of the conversation, I know when she would bounce ideas off and when it would be a conversation ender. Thats why im so curious because surprisingly she got the hardpart down...which is the structured shit. But there is no chemistry! I have no idea what makes her tick. Idk how to explain it. Its just...I cant feel what she will do next and honestly that is done way before the structured stuff. This relationship is very interesting because im working backwards, literally. Ive already given up because there is no chemistry. I dont feel like im flirting at all because i havent said it. I havent called her beautiful i havent called her cute i dont compliment her on anything and its all so..dull. All i have to base this on is her actions. She texts me in the morning, she follows through with it for the whole day..she drove down to boston for me that night and left a party. Shes coming back to boston this weekend and clearly implied that she wants to see me, but i feel empty. Id much rather be with girl #2 which is nothing like me or even better a girl that knows both sides of me, such as theresa or lauren because they know my blog. Im excited to see her in person again because maybe its just me and i cant find chemistry through the internet. I need eye to eye contact. You know what? im going to kick up some dirt tomorrow. Im going to ask her if shes a virgin because honestly sure she has alot in common with me but ive never met anyone that is so damn stiff. She said she was born and raised in a catholic home and she loves kids and that is the only time i felt some emotion from her. When she talked about babysitting. Even when she talked about her future plans of opening a dojo i didnt feel much at all. Her mind is clearly elsewhere...maybe with her ex?