Doremefasolatedo!

You know the typical scale people use to warm up their vocals?(do-re-me-fa-so-la-te-do!) well, yeah ill need to use it since im talking much more now. My social network has suddenly took a sharp turn upward and i think i found my group. im not sure because i just met them at a party but they were all already acquaintances i just didnt know they all knew one another. haha ive been giving my number out ten times more in the past several days than ive ever at northeastern in the past year. It makes me happy :]. But i still feel the gnawing feeling because they thought i was cool i think their cool but idk if me and them would actually hang out as much as i hope. we'll see.

Things are seriously turning tables on me everything i did last year im doing opposite. I was a hard worker at work and in academics but now its hard for me to work as fast and efficently as i used to, i feel like im downgrading, and my schedule is suffering for it because my boss notices. Im slacking in acedemics as well, never did i do hw the day before or hours before...until recently. it makes me feel like shit but procrastination has made itself comfortable in my workethic. its a problem.

Positives? i havent sunk that low, well compared to my previous work ethic yes but im still getting all my assignments done and trying my best at work even if that literally means slapping myself in the bathroom to wake up. Also with these sutle but probably regrettable sacrifices, ive earned a social life. it was only 1 party. But never have i ever felt so just..welcomed around neu students. These arent the people i usually meet they are my age and more mature and have less shoved up their ass.

I met a girl. her name is nora. she was at the party. We swapped numbers cause the party was fun and well, she has her own place and throws parties all the time. I started texting her and its cool because she is the first and only cantonese person ive met on campus that isnt fob. So me and her clicked nicely cause she felt the same way. I say her name because idk what im doing to do with her in the future. im so glad that i even have potential to have friends that i dont even want to screw with it.

Speaking of girls, i went to bu over night cause i was suppose to party friday and typical me, whenever i find a party it fucks up. tony fun said yeah hes at a apartment party come and bring chicks. and he seriously emphasised on chicks.. especially girls that are down to fuck. honestly, i dont know how many guys know large quantities of tools, but that party seemed sketchy, i went anyways and brought two guys and two girls. the two girls are definitely not dtf type (down to fuck) but i didnt care. he ends up coming down to unlock the door to tell us that they just got caught. fuck that shit. it kinda gets me heated cause if im a dude and i knew a dude and he was even just slightly more than acquiantance (which is what tony and i are), id give massive slack. he was being anal i can tell he was lying but i played along and said whatever. i disappointed not only myself cause i couldnt go home but 4 others and 1 being from neu so it was even more annoying since mbta wasnt open anymore.
Due to that, Emily came out of the shadows. and it was like..fml. idk this is unusual of me but i felt so uncomfortable. I was with jeanne and moses and i told jeanne yeah i mean if you want to invite emily you can, i just dont want to see her for the first time in a party scene. But i hung out with her again and all the respect i thought i had for her...what happened to it? she has made my life miserable in the past couple months due to my obligation to see her happiness as a responsibility of mine. She refused to be happy and i heard nothing but shit when she thought or spoke about me to others. Stories of rape, treating her like a whore, like a tool, taking her as a rebound, being a asshole and running away from problems(completely untrue). There was one time that i will forever regret because i think i was still drunk, i thought her no meant a yes and shit got messy, which is why i can never disrespect her..ever. but she continued with it and complained about it afterward so its kinda wtf. but because of that i openly said to her literally my life is yours, i am forever in debt with you im so fucking sorry. She accepted the apology and that allowed us to "end on a good note" but shes bipolar and it fucking kills me everytime to hear a girl say i raped her. and for her to say such things tore a hole in me because of all the effort i put into her being happy. She became bipolar pretty much because i couldnt settle with her.
A good example would be very recently when she texted me for the first time in a very long time, she was upset about how dan told everyone me and her hooked up and now she feels like a whore. I was literally at lechmere walking to work but i was like..im taking care of this now..noone makes my emily take shit. So i call dan and it was friendly but i told him dude, when was the last time you uttered emilys name? and he said a while ago so i was like okay keep it on the down-low cause i dont want to ever hear emily complaining about her having a hard time at bu. i said alot more than that but.. I NEVER do that shit! me starting drama?! thats ridiculous and i never talk to dan but i confronted him for her. and then she texts me when im at work and shes like "can you talk to dan again just to make sure he understands? because people dont understand that i didnt want to do what happened in the hotel, that was rape" i explode in my head like umm HELLOOO did you like forget who youre talking to?! and i exploded in a text to her like. "honestly, i respect you alot and i know i did alot of hurtful things to you thats why whenever you had problems i just took it in my own hands, you are the only person i feel like i cant question. but just then, you pretty much just threw a big peice of shit at my face and told me to eat it. Next time you text me can you not have the first text you send to me revolve around rape or the shit you accuse me of doing?" this wasnt even that instance, so now shes saying not only have i done it once...which even the first time idk wtf happened..but MULTIPLE times. You dont understand how much that fucking hurts me. i apologize immediately afterwards and continued to deeply respect her.
When i saw her in person though...i just didnt care. it was probably because all the shit i ate for her and now that im not even seeing her anymore i dont want to deal with it. And because of the fact that i can tell she still has outrageous amounts of feelings for me even though shes been saying all the things ive done wrong. I feel like she was leaning towards more or less, my clingy sister that cant seem to just get over a douchebag guy. she was trying to hold my hand the entire time. i became very dull and laid back. I didnt react to any of the emotions she put onto me. It was a burden. Im sorry emily.

Blah that friday was suppose to be so fun..i made sure everyone else had fun cause that was my fault that we werent at a party but since this is my blog and now that i think it over. Ive never felt more shitty.

Happy post Happy post! this was suppose to be a happy post. damnit. well that dark side of my relationship with me and emily has been locked up inside of me for too long and im glad i can just type it out. cause i just..dont care anymore.

GOOD NEWS is that not only is my social life growing but so is my music playlist!! there are so many new bands that showed themselves to me recently ive yet to even get started to actually look into them. More interpol songs ive never heard, new editor songs, the cure, arcade fire, black kids, i think there are two other bands..i forgot their names. haha. but yes! music music! and the strokes have a new album coming out this year so im reallly excited! This post did not come out AT all as how i had outlined in my head but fuck it! POST lol

Lift me up on my honour
Take me over this spell
Get this weight off my shoulders
I've carried it well
Loose these shackles of pressure
Shake me out of these chains
Lead me not to temptation

Hold my hand harder
Ease my mind
Roll down the smoke screen
And open the sky

Let me fly
Man I need a release from
This troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they're stumbling
And well you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes

Dig me out from this thorn tree
Help me bury my shame
Keep my eyes from the fire
They can't handle the flame
Grace cut out from my brothers
When most of them fell
I carry it well

Let me fly
Man I need a release from
This troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they're stumbling
I guess you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes

Now hold on
I'm not looking for sweet talk
I'm looking for time
Top a tower and sleep walk
Brother, cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Hold on

You know its gonna hurt sometimes
When you call me
Hold on
Hold on
Hold on

I'm gonna climb that symphony home and make it mine
Let his resonance light my way
See, all these pessimistic sufferers tend to drag me down
So I could use it to shelter what good I've found

Editors

The Editors! My new favorite band!! it first started with papillon then i listened to Smokers Outside Hospital Doors and Munich then All Sparks. Which have now become my top four songs from them but im slowly liking alot of their songs. :]

New artist! new music makes me happy :] its like a warm jacket on a chilly day. I can shiver through the day or be completely comfortable. Which is a nice analogy for the music and to the next topic.

IM FREEZING. i compltely lost the capability to regulate heat or do any meditation whatsoever again..cause well..i kept my word..i havent been practicing. lol. It sucks cause im shivering for 15 mins even though im indoors. this is the first winter in a very long time i actually cant handle cold at all. Even last year or past couple years my abilities were eradicate so i had at least the fundamentals but now that i more or less stabilized yeah...freezing. im wearing 5 layers too.

my life is okay right now. No complaints yet. Ive been playing wow haha. yeah i know thats crazy right? Thomas is conforming.

Social life is wack as usual but at least im not feeling the gnawing feeling anymore :]

Academics seems like it will be a breeze this semester lol

Ive been dazing out alot today/yday. Even lauren knows for others thats just whatever but when i do it its like..uh oh lol. its too much time to myself. even those few seconds should not happen anymore. I think nonsense and it convinces me to think more. Probably its due to my restlessness. Ive been unable to sleep properly for a while now and waking up 5 times a night is considered little. The dreams are injections of emotion but ive gotten used to them now. humm theres not much else to talk about..

I really want to leave A&F i hate when im not working and i hate when i am working..i think retail isnt for me. Adition to A&F isnt even a store i like so wtf? idk..its annoying.

let me end this post now.

The new Shit

Im like some fucked up pendulum, seriously. The only way i can feel like i made progress is if i go back and forth. like one step forward then two steps back. I think i have life ocd. because i dont move forward even though sometimes thats all i really need. Instead im contradicting myself just to go back to make sure everything was meant to be. It happens naturally. Fuck. For instance take my social life right now. I dont know wtf is going on with me. It started yesterday right when i was with lauren and tammy. Like something snapped and now i hate people again and im very easily irritated by like...human presence. Dude, that shit was like ten chapters ago and it doesnt even fit the personality i have anymore at all. But idk. now i just feel like sitting in a room, and make me a sandwich sure but give me a ipod and a nice landscape and thats really all i need. Time to myself and time to think. I DONT WANNNAAA lol. jesus i swear im like bipolar i clearly am trying to tell myself i dont want to do something i want. but yeah thats a good example. Cant i just live a stable life? idk. Im constantly cranky cause i want to go out cause people make m cranky but i enjoy the comfort of an empty room and im too lazy and stubborn to leave.


Blah. I have everything but nothing without a social life..


The Shins- Australia ( now i know why i was so addicted to this songg)
(Born to) Born to multiply,
Born to gaze into night skies,
When all you want’s one more Saturday.
Well look here, until then
They're gonna buy your life’s time
So keep your wick in the air and your feet in the fetters
‘Till the day
We come in doing cartwheels
We all crawl out by ourselves
And your shape on the dance floor
Will have me thinking such filth and gouge my eyes.

You be damned to be one of us, girl,
Faced with the dodo’s conundrum
I felt like I could just fly
But nothing happened every time I tried.

A dual tone on the wall
The selfless fool who hoped he’d save us all
never dreamt of such sterile hands.
You keep them folded in your lap,
Or raise them up to beg for scraps,
You know he's holding you down
With the tips of his fingers just the same.
Will you be pulled from the ocean,
But just a minute too late,
Or changed by a potion,
And find a handsome young mate
For you to love.

You'll be damned to pining through the windowpanes,
You know you'd trade your life for any ordinary Joe’s,
Well do it now or grow old.
Your nightmares only need a year or two to unfold.

Been alone since you were twenty-one,
You haven't laughed since January.
You try and make like this is so much fun,
But we know it to be quite contrary.

La la la la la la

Dare to be one of us, girl,
Facing the android's conundrum,
I felt like I should just cry,
But nothing happens every time I take one on the chin,
You himmler and your coat,
You don't know how long I've been,
Watching the lantern dim,
Starved of oxygen,
So give me your hand,
And let's jump out the window.