I cant say when this path started. Everything has found a way. My last post was just my realization that only one way existed after it was too late. Of course, its never too late but let me explain.
After looking out countless subway windows, and experiencing countless walks. Almost cutting people that should not be punished out of my life it became obvious to me what my dream wanted to say. I think ive dabbled too far into this meditation. The hole in wich i was saved from months, felt like years ago, has found its way back and very gradually took hold of everything i hold dear. I do not regret any of this and hopefully it will change into something better, better than the life i had not a month ago..or two months ago. I dont want to live in my head but i find that a person cannot stop thinking. Once i noticed something was wrong i naturally pushed people away in order to find out what was wrong with myself. Me smoking pot recently only sped up this process, the second to last time i smoked i was left in a trance. I knew it was a way into my head so i used it to find out what was happening to me. haha oh the irony of it all. I write as if i am dying but i feel like i am. Everyday im exhausted, more exhausted than i even knew existed. Last night douglas saw how exhausted i was and he can testify. If he said something i would spare only enough energy to open my bloodshot eyes and nod in recognition then id istantly fall back into deep sleep. This was only 2 hours after i slept for 1 hour, 3 hours after i told him i think we should go to curry because i felt like the exhaustion was becoming too much. I remember waking up slightly and hearing a murmur of a voice, telling me curry has closed and i need to leave, i slept there without realizing it for about 4 hours, because it closes at midnight. That may happen to everyone else after many nights lacking sleep, but that never happens to me unless there is excessive stress involved.
Ehh, I remember how everything feels now. How pain feels, how it feels to get punched and know that i cant and dont want to get up after, but everytime i still do. I remember how it feels to push my limits to the furthest and in complete and utter physical and mental exhaustion i laydown on what ground there is and sleep right where i lay. That was during my north carolina trip, 4 years ago...a little bit after i lost my memory. I still remembered enough to have 5 adrenline rushes straight but my mind was unstable, causing each to only last 2 hours. This allowed me to jog 14 miles non stop but my muscles were literally running on stamina i didnt have. haha i miss that feeling. I remember how it feels to love, be loved, and how it feels to forget love. I remember how it feels to hate, how it feels to kill, to die. How it feels to sit alone all night and not sleep, because its in complete and utter despair. Yet i sit still for hours on end with nothing but the feeling of hope in my lungs. Have you ever felt the Emotion of hope? Its a beautiful thing. As long as youre thoughts are not a threat to you, the feeling of hope makes them stronger.
Now im speaking in tongues. Some may say that these thoughts are only true because i tell myself they are so. I realized that i am not as complex as i say. Im actually alot more easy to read than anyone else, as long as youve seen the different sides to my personality. I am a very predictable person because i didnt care for personality more than two years ago. I was worried about who i wanted to be or my morals inside, didnt give a shit how i portrayed them. All i made sure to do was 1) treat others the way i want to be treated and 2) maintain an openmind. With that, my personality as you know it was formed quite easily. Since what past i have is a mush, if you go any deeper all you would see is a confused boy running in circles. Also i noticed that the present me in formed by pretty much...two people. nate and emily. It wasnt until my confusions with emily that i became very quiet. When intoxicated i would sit there and just release any emotional connections i had with anyone. People were people. They had faces and they were no different than the person beside them. Then nate. He brought out anger in me i didnt know still existed. I think rahman just tied everything together.
The results, even before i established that i fucked up and walked on a path i shouldnt have has made the person which is this. I am bitter, at people, i see everyone as equals aside from those that has directly earned respect from me recently. If i havent seen/talked you in say...3 weeks. id have to say otherwise. My lifestyle changed. I was much more free spirited, Amused by there the day takes me. Now i sit and wait, curious and eager to know where the day will take me, i have no energy for the spontaneous. I am unmotivated. I want to quit my job, i have no will to go or to go to the gym and if i had school i would do no work. My priorities have changed. As of now, my social life rests on a balancing ball and my love life is well, i even have no interest to physically entertain myself. Everyone is just...an indiscriminate person. not man mor woman nor white or black, religious or atheist. Everyone is just..someone. Except for the few that ive been contacting recently.
Time will change this, i know this for a fact. The mind i have now is no longer conditioned for such responsibilities. I really just want to live.
P.s.
Ive grown a new confidence thanks to this post. Im stupid. im really fucking stupid. not because of this post or cause i was depressed or cause i had two people shape whoi was. Things happen haha. Im really stupid cause i feel like im stablizing and all im interested in is taking advantage of my progress and furthering my understanding of who i was and blend it nicely with who i am. I want to live. But apparently living to me involves meditating so hell.. lets see how this works. i didnt sleep all night again cause ive been practicing like the good old days :]
Friday, April 29, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Mask for Vendetta
I had a dream, that answered my questions. All of them. I was restless last night tossing in my sleep and finally managed to fall asleep and everything was answered. Why i am more laid back, why im so easily aggravated, why i have no goals in life, and why i havent felt completely content with myself even though ive pretty much done everything in my power to fulfill my dreams. But i dont remember. LOL. fail. I feel like ive come a long way. and ive asked myself this several post ago. Why am i not grateful? it confuses me.
I was looking out the window of the subway today trying desperately to remember the dream. Instead i just began to smile, because i did realize that the reason why i no longer worry about these subconscious dilemmas is because my old self is wrong for once. I still have so much more to experience. As each month goes by i realize that i learn something new about the type of person i am and might become. Im maturing in a way that was not predicted. When i realized this truth, i realized this is something i've never cared to notice, i felt it in my gut. It made me smile. The people around me are influencing me in a way that i can be so much more subjectively open minded. idk how to explain it, but i get influenced by others instead of having external events chain react a thought process that causes me to think how it influences me, and if the event should influence me.
This is going to drive me nuts, there is some veryy small detail that ties everything together. Possibly giving me an understanding of why i live and it happened in one of the few dreams i cannot remember. I was trying to hold onto it when i woke up, like pulling a fishing net out of the ocean into the boat. but the transition and resistance caused the net to break, and the fishies ran away. I do remember i had to do with my old philosophy. To think that the last few efforts of old thomas still affect my present self fascinates me.
All i know is that, everything is going according to plan. And that unless i change, this anger is not going away. Lol. Is actually a very simple problem. i just need to remember the dream. *sigh*
So mask for vendetta is pretty much refering to the the person i am right now. Something tells me old thomas affects me much more than i think.
Oh and btw, i went to the doctor recently, apparently i have issues involving my thyroid gland. It pretty much controls metabolism, funny how i just posted about how im eating so much and now the doctor looks at my blood and says my blood is showing signs of future problems involving my metabolism. humm. Lets see how this goes.
To get back on the subject, the epiphany i had on the train looking out the window made me once again question my views on death. I still stand by the idea that im going to put a pistol to my head at the age of 50 of the stupid shit ive done hasnt already. And i feel very old for my age... I realized alot of people haven't seen alot of what ive seen yet. And this realization is due to me hanging out on campus so much, communicating with people constantly. This makes me laugh as i think back to kim calling me immature. Lauren is so right, i let females get the best of me alot, because i give them sooo much slack.
Im really interested in meditation, that dream was actually meditation, it wasnt a normal sleep. Unless people have life changing epiphanies in their sleep as well >.>. This is all thanks to fuckin rahman. Idk im just going with the flow, im getting more sensitive to his presence now because he actually knows wtf hes doing. but yeah, im been practicing alot, and with his help ill learn stuff i never did. :] anywho.
beepbopboob
I was looking out the window of the subway today trying desperately to remember the dream. Instead i just began to smile, because i did realize that the reason why i no longer worry about these subconscious dilemmas is because my old self is wrong for once. I still have so much more to experience. As each month goes by i realize that i learn something new about the type of person i am and might become. Im maturing in a way that was not predicted. When i realized this truth, i realized this is something i've never cared to notice, i felt it in my gut. It made me smile. The people around me are influencing me in a way that i can be so much more subjectively open minded. idk how to explain it, but i get influenced by others instead of having external events chain react a thought process that causes me to think how it influences me, and if the event should influence me.
This is going to drive me nuts, there is some veryy small detail that ties everything together. Possibly giving me an understanding of why i live and it happened in one of the few dreams i cannot remember. I was trying to hold onto it when i woke up, like pulling a fishing net out of the ocean into the boat. but the transition and resistance caused the net to break, and the fishies ran away. I do remember i had to do with my old philosophy. To think that the last few efforts of old thomas still affect my present self fascinates me.
All i know is that, everything is going according to plan. And that unless i change, this anger is not going away. Lol. Is actually a very simple problem. i just need to remember the dream. *sigh*
So mask for vendetta is pretty much refering to the the person i am right now. Something tells me old thomas affects me much more than i think.
Oh and btw, i went to the doctor recently, apparently i have issues involving my thyroid gland. It pretty much controls metabolism, funny how i just posted about how im eating so much and now the doctor looks at my blood and says my blood is showing signs of future problems involving my metabolism. humm. Lets see how this goes.
To get back on the subject, the epiphany i had on the train looking out the window made me once again question my views on death. I still stand by the idea that im going to put a pistol to my head at the age of 50 of the stupid shit ive done hasnt already. And i feel very old for my age... I realized alot of people haven't seen alot of what ive seen yet. And this realization is due to me hanging out on campus so much, communicating with people constantly. This makes me laugh as i think back to kim calling me immature. Lauren is so right, i let females get the best of me alot, because i give them sooo much slack.
Im really interested in meditation, that dream was actually meditation, it wasnt a normal sleep. Unless people have life changing epiphanies in their sleep as well >.>. This is all thanks to fuckin rahman. Idk im just going with the flow, im getting more sensitive to his presence now because he actually knows wtf hes doing. but yeah, im been practicing alot, and with his help ill learn stuff i never did. :] anywho.
beepbopboob
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Mushaboom
I feel like something is pushing me away from everyone else. Id rather be to myself and im eager to kick people out that refuse to accept this. Actually, i notice that i push people away too..idk. I havent been to the gym in quite some time, its quite depressing. I also haven't been home in a while. What am i doing wth my life? this vacation sucks. I want to just dive into a bunch of studies. Theres nothing new, same stuff different day but sometimes its possible to have too much of a good thing. This is a case of too much relaxation.
Because of my relaxed yet easily agitated nature, ive become more of a pothead. lol. I actually bought for the first time.
Dan and nate are officially out of my life lol, nate doesn't even bother to be uncomfortable around me anymore, and i bought dan a 60 dollar water boiler because i finally gave into his water boiler spamming which pissed me off so much. Funny thing is now im going to spam him FORTY BUCKS! cause he owes me more than i owe him now. And technically i didnt even owe him in the first place. I didnt even touch his fuckin water boiler. I went to his house yday and i can tell there was tension, i dont think they liked me very much but idc it was business. I went to buy them a water boiler and buy pot. Technically, Dan was suppose to buy it for me but since he left he owes me now. ehh. Im annoyed right now, by dan. He's my next target. I guess you can say i like to be angry.
I went to visit uma finally last weekend and it was nothing but fun. I got a chance to actually follow two casual days with my fellow uma folk. Sometimes, thats better than any party :]. I met a guy named steven and he seems really chill. I really banged myself up longboarding the last night i stayed there, but now im fine. I took off my fourth change of bandage and decided it healed enough to just leave it open to heal faster. Ill have a dipple on my leg where i cut out my flesh though but its cool.
Idk, my mood has pretty much been: Not in the mood. Especially after i got back from UMA
Something is also keeping me away from home, i noticed that i dont feel comfortable going home unless im comfortable outside. Cause at home its quite uncomfortable.
*shrugs* everythings blah..good news is i went to the doctors and the doctor said my BMI (body mass index) is Perfect. since im 5'7, my bmi should be ranging from 19-24 (or something like that) and im in between 21-22 so im super healthy. I look skinny though.
Btw when i was high at uma, something stuck in my head. I saw a gothic like guy smoking a cig. He looked like the typical emo loner that came form a high class private school. Very to himself and just..dark. After he finished his cig, he put it out on the floor. Then he went through his pockets and in a very casual manner, brought out a few coins and flicked one onto the floor where he put out his smoke. It seemed very symbolic and because of his actions, i wanted to start a conversation with him cause he seemed like a very interesting and introverted character but i held myself back. Curious as i saw him take out another smoke and throw another coin on the floor.
There are alot of other things i want to type about but idk, i feel annoyed just thinking about it soo
What am i becoming? lets hope my anger subsides.
Because of my relaxed yet easily agitated nature, ive become more of a pothead. lol. I actually bought for the first time.
Dan and nate are officially out of my life lol, nate doesn't even bother to be uncomfortable around me anymore, and i bought dan a 60 dollar water boiler because i finally gave into his water boiler spamming which pissed me off so much. Funny thing is now im going to spam him FORTY BUCKS! cause he owes me more than i owe him now. And technically i didnt even owe him in the first place. I didnt even touch his fuckin water boiler. I went to his house yday and i can tell there was tension, i dont think they liked me very much but idc it was business. I went to buy them a water boiler and buy pot. Technically, Dan was suppose to buy it for me but since he left he owes me now. ehh. Im annoyed right now, by dan. He's my next target. I guess you can say i like to be angry.
I went to visit uma finally last weekend and it was nothing but fun. I got a chance to actually follow two casual days with my fellow uma folk. Sometimes, thats better than any party :]. I met a guy named steven and he seems really chill. I really banged myself up longboarding the last night i stayed there, but now im fine. I took off my fourth change of bandage and decided it healed enough to just leave it open to heal faster. Ill have a dipple on my leg where i cut out my flesh though but its cool.
Idk, my mood has pretty much been: Not in the mood. Especially after i got back from UMA
Something is also keeping me away from home, i noticed that i dont feel comfortable going home unless im comfortable outside. Cause at home its quite uncomfortable.
*shrugs* everythings blah..good news is i went to the doctors and the doctor said my BMI (body mass index) is Perfect. since im 5'7, my bmi should be ranging from 19-24 (or something like that) and im in between 21-22 so im super healthy. I look skinny though.
Btw when i was high at uma, something stuck in my head. I saw a gothic like guy smoking a cig. He looked like the typical emo loner that came form a high class private school. Very to himself and just..dark. After he finished his cig, he put it out on the floor. Then he went through his pockets and in a very casual manner, brought out a few coins and flicked one onto the floor where he put out his smoke. It seemed very symbolic and because of his actions, i wanted to start a conversation with him cause he seemed like a very interesting and introverted character but i held myself back. Curious as i saw him take out another smoke and throw another coin on the floor.
There are alot of other things i want to type about but idk, i feel annoyed just thinking about it soo
What am i becoming? lets hope my anger subsides.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Ravenous
Ive been listening to more metal/screamo than indie recently. I think i know why too....but at the same time i dont. lol. Cause the lyrics dont line up. I actually made this connection very recently. I wonder why other people listen to screamo if they weren't witnessing extreme relationship trauma. maybe it just sounded good to them? but a alot of it is very poetic sad love songs. lol. *shrugs* i had a reason to listen to it before..now i dont. And im listening to it. Because someone is screaming in my ear. lol. Hopefully, everyone that listened to screamo at least once appreciated the beautiful lyrics it has, thats all im trying to say.
Lol curry is packed today so i look like a weirdo sitting on some sketchy stairs cause its the only place to sit. Its nuts.
Im hungry. literally and metaphorically. Im eating alot lately, cause i told myself id eat more. lol even though i have a small appetite, especially around the beginning of the day, i eat double of what i ate when i got full. I dont eat much so double isnt that much Instead of 1 burger id eat 2 or if i got full half 10 bites of pasta i estimate to hit at least 20 bites. I feel like vomiting right now (and actually typing that made me gag) but i feel satisfied :] ill be hungry anyways in an hour. lol.
Metaphorically im hungry for anger. I want to get angry now, thats how i work cause it takes something small to spark it and everything else works out on its own due to my natural angry self. Nightmares, testosterone boost due to gym, people beating me in pool. Ive naturally gotten worse at pool lately, cant play for shit cause my body wants to get angry. This allows me to eat shit for breakfast and spit it back at anyone who wants it, such as nate. My tolerance for drama and awkward situations that require a smart choice of words and quick thinking to get out cant be done unless not only am i repelling the drama but im comfortable in it. This requires me to pretty much condition myself when its necessary, ive always done this. When it comes time, and if fate calls for it and depending on how much ive conditioned myself, id blackout for a longer duration of time if i needed to fight nate. This means id throw punches harder, faster, and longer and eat hits like noones business. now that im undergoing this conditioning and noticing it i understand why i blacked out in the past, its a scary thing.
This might explain why i listen to more slipknot again.
Kim and nate came into the gameroom when i was in there not an hour ago and it was so funny. It was so awkward, they just stood there while i was watching two people play pool. They ended up leaving and when i was heading out kim called me over and asked me to go to the movies with them. UHHH...NO? lol i was like, thats nice of you but wouldnt i need to bring someone along? so that im not a third wheel. (they were clearly desperate to patch things up cause i make it so awkward for them.) I can handle the awkwardness now. no sweat. hell, if anything to me they make it awkward. But apparently they cant deal with it. and i laugh at them. When kim called me over and asked me to go to the movies nates eyes were pointed to the table the entire time. He was either angry or scared or annoyed or all the above. Ha. Hes probably angry cause i have still yet to accept his kindness that he's been trying to throw at me. Thats my theory, cause today he wasnt the nice guy he typically is. Hes so annoying now, constantly looking out for my presence and he would call me out and go hey thomas! want to use my cue? or just to say cya or hi. Yo, fucker, you are pathetic and too funny. Keep trying lol. Hes kim and my bitch now. cause for kim to call me over and seeing nate look down at the table like his tail is between his legs, you can tell she has more balls than him. this is too funny for me.
Time to hit the gym, nate your life will be slow and painful.
Lol curry is packed today so i look like a weirdo sitting on some sketchy stairs cause its the only place to sit. Its nuts.
Im hungry. literally and metaphorically. Im eating alot lately, cause i told myself id eat more. lol even though i have a small appetite, especially around the beginning of the day, i eat double of what i ate when i got full. I dont eat much so double isnt that much Instead of 1 burger id eat 2 or if i got full half 10 bites of pasta i estimate to hit at least 20 bites. I feel like vomiting right now (and actually typing that made me gag) but i feel satisfied :] ill be hungry anyways in an hour. lol.
Metaphorically im hungry for anger. I want to get angry now, thats how i work cause it takes something small to spark it and everything else works out on its own due to my natural angry self. Nightmares, testosterone boost due to gym, people beating me in pool. Ive naturally gotten worse at pool lately, cant play for shit cause my body wants to get angry. This allows me to eat shit for breakfast and spit it back at anyone who wants it, such as nate. My tolerance for drama and awkward situations that require a smart choice of words and quick thinking to get out cant be done unless not only am i repelling the drama but im comfortable in it. This requires me to pretty much condition myself when its necessary, ive always done this. When it comes time, and if fate calls for it and depending on how much ive conditioned myself, id blackout for a longer duration of time if i needed to fight nate. This means id throw punches harder, faster, and longer and eat hits like noones business. now that im undergoing this conditioning and noticing it i understand why i blacked out in the past, its a scary thing.
This might explain why i listen to more slipknot again.
Kim and nate came into the gameroom when i was in there not an hour ago and it was so funny. It was so awkward, they just stood there while i was watching two people play pool. They ended up leaving and when i was heading out kim called me over and asked me to go to the movies with them. UHHH...NO? lol i was like, thats nice of you but wouldnt i need to bring someone along? so that im not a third wheel. (they were clearly desperate to patch things up cause i make it so awkward for them.) I can handle the awkwardness now. no sweat. hell, if anything to me they make it awkward. But apparently they cant deal with it. and i laugh at them. When kim called me over and asked me to go to the movies nates eyes were pointed to the table the entire time. He was either angry or scared or annoyed or all the above. Ha. Hes probably angry cause i have still yet to accept his kindness that he's been trying to throw at me. Thats my theory, cause today he wasnt the nice guy he typically is. Hes so annoying now, constantly looking out for my presence and he would call me out and go hey thomas! want to use my cue? or just to say cya or hi. Yo, fucker, you are pathetic and too funny. Keep trying lol. Hes kim and my bitch now. cause for kim to call me over and seeing nate look down at the table like his tail is between his legs, you can tell she has more balls than him. this is too funny for me.
Time to hit the gym, nate your life will be slow and painful.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Underoath- Im Content with Losing
Like I said
Leave your baggage at the back door
I'm leaving you the way I think it should be
We're always pulling into spaces that we can't back out of
Starting fights we can't talk our way out of them
How does it feel to be on the recieving end of this one?
I'm half way there and it's all on me
This is what I get for wanting more, for wanting more
This is the way its got to be
Dancing on all these changes
So I walk around with this rope in my hand
So I'll tie it around and around, and around
I'll tie me down
I'll fantasize of being manic
And leaving us behind
In your eyes you were the one that tried
Acceptance is what holds us here
And you my dear are the one I fear tonight
We'll try just one more time
This is the moment that we all live for
Are you ready? Are you ready?
I'm half way there and it's all on me
This is what I get for wanting more, for wanting more
This is the way its got to be
Dancing on all these changes
So I walk around with this rope in my hand
So I'll tie it around and around and around
I'll tie me down
You can't see past my waving hands
(just running away again)
You cant see past my waving hands
(Good Bye)
You think so loud it hurts my ears...
I want to know how to get through this
Without choking up
I can't feel you
You're so far from me
Last night i had another nightmare...i was so exhausted and yet i couldnt sleep anymore after only sleeping for 3 hours. I woke up at six and decided to just surf the web. I began to drown in despair due to the alone time i had.
I know exactly what i want in life now, at the same time i dont want anything. Lauren helped me realize that the motivation i have now, does not rely on anything. I have no goals. There is no reason why i hit the gym, study more than i used to, cut people out of my life, make more friends, or smoke. There is no reason for me to feel depressed. I live for just the dreams i had a long time ago. I promised myself that i'd do whatever it took to become human and live life normally with emotions and motives. To be honest everything is a game to me and i feel like im losing. There neither are goals nor is it fun, I push to be better because im still alive. Thats the bottom line. But since this is a game and i have goals but no objectives, im forever losing.
Its funny to wake up one day and realize youre life is just a rolling wheel. Its rolling cause thats all it can do and it knows its going somewhere and where to go but it doesn't know where its going. haha
When i jumped up from my sleep this time, i smirked..and laughed slightly. Amused by my deranged mind. I dont remember the dream because it was 4 hours ago but i remember i had the urge to raise my head and scream on the top of my lungs. Just let everything go and say fuck it. Its a very powerful feeling and i remember when i blogged in my old blog "good news, i dont feel like screaming to the world anymore" haha. I still have an urge to but i decided to sit outside and smoke and type this instead.
Its funny how these past three days have been a blur, and yet its been so excessively intense. Im on break, why do i still lack so much sleep and feel as if i have so much to do? This is stage one to becoming more introverted again. Ill slap out of this though because i have china to look forward to. Ill leave everything behind until i get back.
Structure in my life? well, would my refusal to fall without kicking be structure? Ive thought about what structure i have in my life because of how lost i am, and yet i am able to lie to myself everyday and feel confident when i say to myself i know what im doing. There has to be a correlation right? or else today i may want to be an engineer but tomorrow id want to look into something im not as experienced in, in order to strengthen every aspect possible. There has to be something that keeps me going to the gym and going to the library and being depressed about my grades and not keeping up. My conclusion, The only thing holding who i am together day by day is my honesty. Everything beyond that is well..beyond me. Im a man of my word. I tell myself im going to hit the gym and i will hit the gym. I tell myself ill study more and i do. And i told myself i will study harder than before. This simple yet quite effective system originated in the days of when i lost my memory and relied only on the most recent thoughts in my head because i always forgot things that were too far in the past (a day ago). This allowed me not only constantly progress with or without proper resources, but it allowed me to seem like one sane individual to others because all i needed to do is do what i say and say what i do. Even if i forgot what i said but i know what ive done, i can probably tell you what i said and what i might do next. the difference between now and then is that now i have more confidence along with this jurisdiction, allowing me to follow through with my words with a stronger determination.
Idk i feel like shit right now though. Yesterday was Dougs bday, i think he lost his vcard? not sure but if he did congrats to him. lol. It was a really fun night until his roommate came back and his window that was the "Doorway" to the fire escape was completely destroyed. The curtains were torn and the lock to lock the fire escape was broken. he was pissed and hes usually a REALLY chill guy. I feel bad cause i went outside several times with that window to smoke instead of leaving the dorm, cause it was a hassle to get signed in. Idk who destroyed the lock though..*Shrugs* well. Time to slap myself and start a new day.
Leave your baggage at the back door
I'm leaving you the way I think it should be
We're always pulling into spaces that we can't back out of
Starting fights we can't talk our way out of them
How does it feel to be on the recieving end of this one?
I'm half way there and it's all on me
This is what I get for wanting more, for wanting more
This is the way its got to be
Dancing on all these changes
So I walk around with this rope in my hand
So I'll tie it around and around, and around
I'll tie me down
I'll fantasize of being manic
And leaving us behind
In your eyes you were the one that tried
Acceptance is what holds us here
And you my dear are the one I fear tonight
We'll try just one more time
This is the moment that we all live for
Are you ready? Are you ready?
I'm half way there and it's all on me
This is what I get for wanting more, for wanting more
This is the way its got to be
Dancing on all these changes
So I walk around with this rope in my hand
So I'll tie it around and around and around
I'll tie me down
You can't see past my waving hands
(just running away again)
You cant see past my waving hands
(Good Bye)
You think so loud it hurts my ears...
I want to know how to get through this
Without choking up
I can't feel you
You're so far from me
Last night i had another nightmare...i was so exhausted and yet i couldnt sleep anymore after only sleeping for 3 hours. I woke up at six and decided to just surf the web. I began to drown in despair due to the alone time i had.
I know exactly what i want in life now, at the same time i dont want anything. Lauren helped me realize that the motivation i have now, does not rely on anything. I have no goals. There is no reason why i hit the gym, study more than i used to, cut people out of my life, make more friends, or smoke. There is no reason for me to feel depressed. I live for just the dreams i had a long time ago. I promised myself that i'd do whatever it took to become human and live life normally with emotions and motives. To be honest everything is a game to me and i feel like im losing. There neither are goals nor is it fun, I push to be better because im still alive. Thats the bottom line. But since this is a game and i have goals but no objectives, im forever losing.
Its funny to wake up one day and realize youre life is just a rolling wheel. Its rolling cause thats all it can do and it knows its going somewhere and where to go but it doesn't know where its going. haha
When i jumped up from my sleep this time, i smirked..and laughed slightly. Amused by my deranged mind. I dont remember the dream because it was 4 hours ago but i remember i had the urge to raise my head and scream on the top of my lungs. Just let everything go and say fuck it. Its a very powerful feeling and i remember when i blogged in my old blog "good news, i dont feel like screaming to the world anymore" haha. I still have an urge to but i decided to sit outside and smoke and type this instead.
Its funny how these past three days have been a blur, and yet its been so excessively intense. Im on break, why do i still lack so much sleep and feel as if i have so much to do? This is stage one to becoming more introverted again. Ill slap out of this though because i have china to look forward to. Ill leave everything behind until i get back.
Structure in my life? well, would my refusal to fall without kicking be structure? Ive thought about what structure i have in my life because of how lost i am, and yet i am able to lie to myself everyday and feel confident when i say to myself i know what im doing. There has to be a correlation right? or else today i may want to be an engineer but tomorrow id want to look into something im not as experienced in, in order to strengthen every aspect possible. There has to be something that keeps me going to the gym and going to the library and being depressed about my grades and not keeping up. My conclusion, The only thing holding who i am together day by day is my honesty. Everything beyond that is well..beyond me. Im a man of my word. I tell myself im going to hit the gym and i will hit the gym. I tell myself ill study more and i do. And i told myself i will study harder than before. This simple yet quite effective system originated in the days of when i lost my memory and relied only on the most recent thoughts in my head because i always forgot things that were too far in the past (a day ago). This allowed me not only constantly progress with or without proper resources, but it allowed me to seem like one sane individual to others because all i needed to do is do what i say and say what i do. Even if i forgot what i said but i know what ive done, i can probably tell you what i said and what i might do next. the difference between now and then is that now i have more confidence along with this jurisdiction, allowing me to follow through with my words with a stronger determination.
Idk i feel like shit right now though. Yesterday was Dougs bday, i think he lost his vcard? not sure but if he did congrats to him. lol. It was a really fun night until his roommate came back and his window that was the "Doorway" to the fire escape was completely destroyed. The curtains were torn and the lock to lock the fire escape was broken. he was pissed and hes usually a REALLY chill guy. I feel bad cause i went outside several times with that window to smoke instead of leaving the dorm, cause it was a hassle to get signed in. Idk who destroyed the lock though..*Shrugs* well. Time to slap myself and start a new day.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Angles
Today was nuts. I hit a new level of exhaustion. Mental exhaustion can always be over-rided but once there is physical exhaustion accompanying it that becomes a problem. Today was such a beautiful day but i made the wrong decision and started off the day longboarding from northeastern to fanuel hall waterfront and back. On the trip back, My legs gave up and three muscles in particular cramped up hard. Also, the skin on my feet are usually really thick and immune to injury but due to longboarding today i got a mean blister, its so bad i've been limping all day. A blister has formed on the ball of my left foot recently but it closed up after up cut off the skin. it was fine but it was still a fragile part of my foot. i got another blister on the same spot today and since there was a blister there recently it reached the flesh and has been killing me. Due to the energy i used to longboard today, the day became a blur after noon. Everyone was texting me trying to hang out and i was struggling to stay awake and limping everywhere i went, i finally gave in and passed out in curry for about an hour. I feel rejuvenated enough to further punish myself by going to the gym in a few lol. My legs are no longer sore, but they lack stamina and its hard for me to walk at even a normal pace because the muscles have been so worn out today. I feel bad cause i missed out on the potential of the day, lost in the trace of utter exhaustion.
My sleeping schedule does not exist and i feel like shit deep down cause i wasted an entire semester since i got a C- and a D, causing my Gpa to drop. The worse thing about it is that im not taking classes and just wasting my life away everyday.
I met a kinda weird/ interesting guy. his name is john aka "ramen" cause his last name is rahman. He's been meditating for 16 years and my body, due to past exposure, is apparently much more sensitive to chi when its released in a controlled way. Ive acted him to help me find what i lost. Maybe this is foreshadowing a new chapter of my life to come.
well not only is Angles the name of the strokes new album, which i am enjoying on a daily basis, but ive seen new angles to my life. Exhaustion/sleep schedule wise, academically, and introspectively. There is alot i have to work on. I've been slacking on the gym as well so nothing is solid on my life.
I've even been feeling more anti-social. I think its due to nate or idk, just how my life is right now, but i find it hard to trust people. Unlike before when it was easy for me to just say, "even though you dont show that you care or that youre honest, i know you are because you deserve that benefit of the doubt." This chance that everyone forever deserves until proven otherwise is now limited.
Well time to hit the gym lol chest pains are gone but now i have the constant feeling of a nail at my temple. eh. CYA!
My sleeping schedule does not exist and i feel like shit deep down cause i wasted an entire semester since i got a C- and a D, causing my Gpa to drop. The worse thing about it is that im not taking classes and just wasting my life away everyday.
I met a kinda weird/ interesting guy. his name is john aka "ramen" cause his last name is rahman. He's been meditating for 16 years and my body, due to past exposure, is apparently much more sensitive to chi when its released in a controlled way. Ive acted him to help me find what i lost. Maybe this is foreshadowing a new chapter of my life to come.
well not only is Angles the name of the strokes new album, which i am enjoying on a daily basis, but ive seen new angles to my life. Exhaustion/sleep schedule wise, academically, and introspectively. There is alot i have to work on. I've been slacking on the gym as well so nothing is solid on my life.
I've even been feeling more anti-social. I think its due to nate or idk, just how my life is right now, but i find it hard to trust people. Unlike before when it was easy for me to just say, "even though you dont show that you care or that youre honest, i know you are because you deserve that benefit of the doubt." This chance that everyone forever deserves until proven otherwise is now limited.
Well time to hit the gym lol chest pains are gone but now i have the constant feeling of a nail at my temple. eh. CYA!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Mean shit
Two days ago was friday, it was the first night i slept and i think i failed a class due to the fact that i didnt pull the 6th all nighter. Its okay though cause im quite satisfied with the other classes. I was so drunk that i forgot that i was in the library when i woke up and how i got there. Dan of course over drank, so much to the point where he had four dudes hold each limb and carry him to the bathroom, he was also the main cause the party was busted...at 12:30. Fucking Dan. Im cutting him out of my life too. The party was fun though. i had 8 shots and 3 beers. I was feeling really good and all the right people were there..except dan. lol. Ive become so bitter towards people lately. Its all cause of kim and nate.
I still havent forgiven Nate and actually i get that extra push everytime i go to the gym thinking about how im going to fuck him up while the pathetic little girl is like OMG OMG HELPP next to him like a useless girl. lol. Of course i would just poke at him enough get him to the point where he realizes how inferior ive made him and his pride would lash out. Id be pumped with insanity, laughing id say thats all you got? give him a couple more slugs...then id rain hell. lol. *nods* and seeing how i acted in the last fight i was in, Its definitely possible. If i can take punch after ounch to the head and stand up rawring afterward like noones business from a 5'10 215 black guy, shouldnt be hard for a guy my height and size. lol. Im so excited.
Anywho, this is actually about my anger. This is about the bathroom. Have you ever taken a shit in a public bathroom and never felt more comfortable? Not because youre taking a shit but because of the solitude. The small confided room allows you to just drift off and think whatever you please. One may notice this better high or drunk but yeah. There is this nightmare that not until friday, did i remember after i woke up. ITs a nightmare thats haunted me for a long time now. There is a complex building, in this dream it just so happened to be uhh..northeastern and the neighborhood was raided by something..im going to just say soldiers cause they were killing on sight. I had this nightmare when i passed out in curry friday afternoon because sleeping at the library was not enough. (btw i did a final drunk and got a 82 WOOT) lol anywho. Everyone started running and i darted through the halls, friends and families by my side, in complete control everytime i have this dream. Since his dream is so fimilar to me now i scream to everyone. "FIND A BATHROOM, GET INTO A STALL AND SHUT THE FUCK UP." There were so many people screaming it sounded like i wasnt saying anything. To set an example, i ran into the bathroom. The last couple of times me and everyone i was with hijacked a car, that failed Cause it was the only local vechile in motion while everyone was getting killed..so everyone got killed and i was in the back seat and witnessed it. The last time i had this dream i was only with one other and i ran into a stall my friend slammed the stall door so the attacker heard came in and managed to rip open the door and all i heard was screams and i saw the blood trickle towards my feet. They started banging at my door and the whole cube rocked back and forth and i woke up. This time i knew...bathroom might work. But this time i had 15 people with me..for some reason my cousin amy, my sisters, and my parents were with me. I told them in chinese come o the bathroom. The halls were so packed they couldnt open the pull door and only i got in cause i ran ahead. They stared in through the tainted glass and was like OPEN THE DOOR. (they didnt know it was a pull cause it got so crowded.) I wanted to..i started to cry. I heard everyone dying. I ran into a stall and locked it and realized that the solitude was golden. They never came inside the bathroom and i stayed there for what seemed to be days. I finally opened by door and there were dead bodies everywhere. I woke up.
When i woke up, i realized that this may be caused by the anger i have towards nate. Deep down pure anger flows and it causes nightmares like these. I dont remember when i had the nightmare before this but i know i had it before cause i was strategic. Eh..idk what to do..i refuse to let go of my anger towards nate. I can. But no lesson will be taught. I can be nice to him, this has been proven. Is it hard? of course. but i can be done. and if i can do it then that means i can just overall let it go. Deep down, i find these dremas very thrilling though. It challenges my instinct and puts everything i have on the line. This is the part of me that existed a long time ago.
After i woke up from the dream i found myself in curry and i jumped up out of sleep cause i saw my dead moms face...which was ehh...rather graphic cause her head was on top of my sisters hand..they were hugging before they died. My food was on the floor cause of my inital jump. I went to the bathroom and took a shit. how funny.
I still havent forgiven Nate and actually i get that extra push everytime i go to the gym thinking about how im going to fuck him up while the pathetic little girl is like OMG OMG HELPP next to him like a useless girl. lol. Of course i would just poke at him enough get him to the point where he realizes how inferior ive made him and his pride would lash out. Id be pumped with insanity, laughing id say thats all you got? give him a couple more slugs...then id rain hell. lol. *nods* and seeing how i acted in the last fight i was in, Its definitely possible. If i can take punch after ounch to the head and stand up rawring afterward like noones business from a 5'10 215 black guy, shouldnt be hard for a guy my height and size. lol. Im so excited.
Anywho, this is actually about my anger. This is about the bathroom. Have you ever taken a shit in a public bathroom and never felt more comfortable? Not because youre taking a shit but because of the solitude. The small confided room allows you to just drift off and think whatever you please. One may notice this better high or drunk but yeah. There is this nightmare that not until friday, did i remember after i woke up. ITs a nightmare thats haunted me for a long time now. There is a complex building, in this dream it just so happened to be uhh..northeastern and the neighborhood was raided by something..im going to just say soldiers cause they were killing on sight. I had this nightmare when i passed out in curry friday afternoon because sleeping at the library was not enough. (btw i did a final drunk and got a 82 WOOT) lol anywho. Everyone started running and i darted through the halls, friends and families by my side, in complete control everytime i have this dream. Since his dream is so fimilar to me now i scream to everyone. "FIND A BATHROOM, GET INTO A STALL AND SHUT THE FUCK UP." There were so many people screaming it sounded like i wasnt saying anything. To set an example, i ran into the bathroom. The last couple of times me and everyone i was with hijacked a car, that failed Cause it was the only local vechile in motion while everyone was getting killed..so everyone got killed and i was in the back seat and witnessed it. The last time i had this dream i was only with one other and i ran into a stall my friend slammed the stall door so the attacker heard came in and managed to rip open the door and all i heard was screams and i saw the blood trickle towards my feet. They started banging at my door and the whole cube rocked back and forth and i woke up. This time i knew...bathroom might work. But this time i had 15 people with me..for some reason my cousin amy, my sisters, and my parents were with me. I told them in chinese come o the bathroom. The halls were so packed they couldnt open the pull door and only i got in cause i ran ahead. They stared in through the tainted glass and was like OPEN THE DOOR. (they didnt know it was a pull cause it got so crowded.) I wanted to..i started to cry. I heard everyone dying. I ran into a stall and locked it and realized that the solitude was golden. They never came inside the bathroom and i stayed there for what seemed to be days. I finally opened by door and there were dead bodies everywhere. I woke up.
When i woke up, i realized that this may be caused by the anger i have towards nate. Deep down pure anger flows and it causes nightmares like these. I dont remember when i had the nightmare before this but i know i had it before cause i was strategic. Eh..idk what to do..i refuse to let go of my anger towards nate. I can. But no lesson will be taught. I can be nice to him, this has been proven. Is it hard? of course. but i can be done. and if i can do it then that means i can just overall let it go. Deep down, i find these dremas very thrilling though. It challenges my instinct and puts everything i have on the line. This is the part of me that existed a long time ago.
After i woke up from the dream i found myself in curry and i jumped up out of sleep cause i saw my dead moms face...which was ehh...rather graphic cause her head was on top of my sisters hand..they were hugging before they died. My food was on the floor cause of my inital jump. I went to the bathroom and took a shit. how funny.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Dilated
Yesterday I forgot to breathe for like the sixth time this week...
Maybe it was the pink cloud strafed sky that changed my mind, and brought me back.
Seems like every day it's kill or be killed...
With all this anger, we cannot progress.
With all this anger there is no time to inhale and progress,
And catch the smell of something that you once knew...
Cause every day it's bear the load or break
When will it be too much?
Have you ever stopped, raised your face up to the sun and screamed?
Let it out exhale the pain that strangulates your soul.
When will I be free? When will I be free? When will I be free?
My lungs take in the fragrance of remorse.
What is the cost?
Am I living?
If you let your lungs fill up with pain then you will drown, then you will drown in your own regret.
I'm drowning in my own regret!
(Stop, look around, what do you see? Rebuild, Renew.
everything's so beautiful if we just take the time.)
My arms feel so numb... my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins... the taste of rust in my mouth!
So today I just threw it all away. I just threw it all away!
Though the love burns my eyes I will not be blind.
If you blink you could miss so much.
Please don't ever close your eyes.
This song, after all these years are still echoing in my head. I was playing pool with nate again today. I've never been so furious. i was fuming inside. not because i was loosing. but because i was trying to maintain my posture. It was very hard. I asked him to play with me cause her and kim were just sitting there staring at me while i played instead of playing on their own table. it was kinda annoying. Ive been pulling all nighters for the past 5 days and what REALLY ticked me off is the fact that someone said to me dude where have you been all week? i havent see you all week! and i was like yeah finals week. My fifth all nighter straight! literally ive been in the library day and night. matter of fact, im in the library now. This little bitch to my right mumbled "Thats bullshit, its impossible for a human being to do that." EXCUSE ME BITCH. Look, i had the balls to text her happy birthday this morning and i sid i hope you enjoy it. that came from common courtesy. IDC if youre a little arrogant fuck if its youre birthday shit. you should enjoy your birthday. She had the audacity to be like "thats bullshit." BITCH. You only talked to me for a week. You dont even have the slightest clue who i am. I have a pretty clear picture of who she is due to her actions though i must say, shes not that hard to read. I havent told her shit about my past, my adrenalin rushes. You dont have the slightest clue of how i act when im angry, or passionate, or sad, or happy. Even if i slapped her in the face with it she probably wouldnt know. She probably thinks im still caught up on her. The only reason im so heated is cause nate was there acting all nice to me, talking softly to me and giving me slack. Fucker wanted to apologize after he fucked with me. TOO LATE. Id fuckin spit in huys/bens/and his face if they apologized to me at this point, cause that just makes them plain pathetic. If their going to get me to the point of angry then be a pussy and back down, im sorry but that is just the most pathetic thing a man can do. It definitely helped set me off to see that kim was still being immature. I was being nice to her the whole time. waving to her when she entered, smiling when she looked at me. She technically only has one strike on me. Im reasonable. I heard her talking to nate about it too like, its impossible for a person to lack so much sleep..he mumbles something and the conversation ends..im assuming the comment was in my defense. HAHA. For the next two games alone they continued to stare at me play because i was so aggressive with my playing style. Everytime i shot you heard the ball ram the back of the pocket before it went it. I was playing decently, still getting nice positioning. They took it as tension. I was releasing my stress, Completely ignoring their existence. Shes still on my hitlist just cause shes with nate but you know, if she was alone id be mature about it. And thats another thing that bugs me. My sisters, if anyone, are not only older but honest with me. I cant trust anyone else as much as them and i listen to every word that comes out of their mouths and take it to heart. They say im not immature, just funny. i pointed out some of the things i did and their like thats not immature. So *thumbs up* lol. So kim needs to get on my level, seriously. Nvm, bump that i might cuss her out alone as well XD Haters are getting weak, and im bulking up. LOL
omg what keeps me motivated to stay up these past nights, in a funny way, is how EPIC epicmealtime is. Its a youtube channel that has the same 5ish dudes cooking/eating ridiculously epic shit. When you have free time, look up epicmealtime- protein bar on youtube. Lol its so ridiculously epic and masculine that you cant help but try to top them. haha. Actually when i finished my 10 page paper, the first time i did was fistpump then say, "Haters are getting weak, and im bulking up" *Flexes* lol its become an inside joke between me and the dudes, along with several other quotes such as "And bacon strips...and bacon strips...etc" and "chawcolate sawwuce...ahh drippin that chawwcolate...sauuce" Lol. Its so stupid and epic that its quite amusing.
Looking forward to going to the gym and banging out my last allnighter. :D then last class and work then BAM! FREE MAN. im going to kevins birthday party tonight, should be exciting. im going to pass out after one sip of beer. Lauren, i wish you can be there for me so i have someone to passout on and slap me awake XP
Well time to doing more work. fucking challenging ME saying i cant pull 5 all nighters. FUCK YOU. im going to bang out another one tonight. Haters are getting weak. Lololol Btw ive been suffering from chest pains recently. I think its due to lack of sleep and excessive smoking. lol. its a problem. Its hard to breath sometimes.
Maybe it was the pink cloud strafed sky that changed my mind, and brought me back.
Seems like every day it's kill or be killed...
With all this anger, we cannot progress.
With all this anger there is no time to inhale and progress,
And catch the smell of something that you once knew...
Cause every day it's bear the load or break
When will it be too much?
Have you ever stopped, raised your face up to the sun and screamed?
Let it out exhale the pain that strangulates your soul.
When will I be free? When will I be free? When will I be free?
My lungs take in the fragrance of remorse.
What is the cost?
Am I living?
If you let your lungs fill up with pain then you will drown, then you will drown in your own regret.
I'm drowning in my own regret!
(Stop, look around, what do you see? Rebuild, Renew.
everything's so beautiful if we just take the time.)
My arms feel so numb... my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins... the taste of rust in my mouth!
So today I just threw it all away. I just threw it all away!
Though the love burns my eyes I will not be blind.
If you blink you could miss so much.
Please don't ever close your eyes.
This song, after all these years are still echoing in my head. I was playing pool with nate again today. I've never been so furious. i was fuming inside. not because i was loosing. but because i was trying to maintain my posture. It was very hard. I asked him to play with me cause her and kim were just sitting there staring at me while i played instead of playing on their own table. it was kinda annoying. Ive been pulling all nighters for the past 5 days and what REALLY ticked me off is the fact that someone said to me dude where have you been all week? i havent see you all week! and i was like yeah finals week. My fifth all nighter straight! literally ive been in the library day and night. matter of fact, im in the library now. This little bitch to my right mumbled "Thats bullshit, its impossible for a human being to do that." EXCUSE ME BITCH. Look, i had the balls to text her happy birthday this morning and i sid i hope you enjoy it. that came from common courtesy. IDC if youre a little arrogant fuck if its youre birthday shit. you should enjoy your birthday. She had the audacity to be like "thats bullshit." BITCH. You only talked to me for a week. You dont even have the slightest clue who i am. I have a pretty clear picture of who she is due to her actions though i must say, shes not that hard to read. I havent told her shit about my past, my adrenalin rushes. You dont have the slightest clue of how i act when im angry, or passionate, or sad, or happy. Even if i slapped her in the face with it she probably wouldnt know. She probably thinks im still caught up on her. The only reason im so heated is cause nate was there acting all nice to me, talking softly to me and giving me slack. Fucker wanted to apologize after he fucked with me. TOO LATE. Id fuckin spit in huys/bens/and his face if they apologized to me at this point, cause that just makes them plain pathetic. If their going to get me to the point of angry then be a pussy and back down, im sorry but that is just the most pathetic thing a man can do. It definitely helped set me off to see that kim was still being immature. I was being nice to her the whole time. waving to her when she entered, smiling when she looked at me. She technically only has one strike on me. Im reasonable. I heard her talking to nate about it too like, its impossible for a person to lack so much sleep..he mumbles something and the conversation ends..im assuming the comment was in my defense. HAHA. For the next two games alone they continued to stare at me play because i was so aggressive with my playing style. Everytime i shot you heard the ball ram the back of the pocket before it went it. I was playing decently, still getting nice positioning. They took it as tension. I was releasing my stress, Completely ignoring their existence. Shes still on my hitlist just cause shes with nate but you know, if she was alone id be mature about it. And thats another thing that bugs me. My sisters, if anyone, are not only older but honest with me. I cant trust anyone else as much as them and i listen to every word that comes out of their mouths and take it to heart. They say im not immature, just funny. i pointed out some of the things i did and their like thats not immature. So *thumbs up* lol. So kim needs to get on my level, seriously. Nvm, bump that i might cuss her out alone as well XD Haters are getting weak, and im bulking up. LOL
omg what keeps me motivated to stay up these past nights, in a funny way, is how EPIC epicmealtime is. Its a youtube channel that has the same 5ish dudes cooking/eating ridiculously epic shit. When you have free time, look up epicmealtime- protein bar on youtube. Lol its so ridiculously epic and masculine that you cant help but try to top them. haha. Actually when i finished my 10 page paper, the first time i did was fistpump then say, "Haters are getting weak, and im bulking up" *Flexes* lol its become an inside joke between me and the dudes, along with several other quotes such as "And bacon strips...and bacon strips...etc" and "chawcolate sawwuce...ahh drippin that chawwcolate...sauuce" Lol. Its so stupid and epic that its quite amusing.
Looking forward to going to the gym and banging out my last allnighter. :D then last class and work then BAM! FREE MAN. im going to kevins birthday party tonight, should be exciting. im going to pass out after one sip of beer. Lauren, i wish you can be there for me so i have someone to passout on and slap me awake XP
Well time to doing more work. fucking challenging ME saying i cant pull 5 all nighters. FUCK YOU. im going to bang out another one tonight. Haters are getting weak. Lololol Btw ive been suffering from chest pains recently. I think its due to lack of sleep and excessive smoking. lol. its a problem. Its hard to breath sometimes.
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