Underoath- Im Content with Losing

Like I said
Leave your baggage at the back door
I'm leaving you the way I think it should be
We're always pulling into spaces that we can't back out of
Starting fights we can't talk our way out of them

How does it feel to be on the recieving end of this one?

I'm half way there and it's all on me
This is what I get for wanting more, for wanting more
This is the way its got to be
Dancing on all these changes
So I walk around with this rope in my hand

So I'll tie it around and around, and around
I'll tie me down

I'll fantasize of being manic
And leaving us behind
In your eyes you were the one that tried

Acceptance is what holds us here
And you my dear are the one I fear tonight
We'll try just one more time

This is the moment that we all live for
Are you ready? Are you ready?

I'm half way there and it's all on me
This is what I get for wanting more, for wanting more
This is the way its got to be
Dancing on all these changes
So I walk around with this rope in my hand

So I'll tie it around and around and around
I'll tie me down

You can't see past my waving hands
(just running away again)
You cant see past my waving hands
(Good Bye)

You think so loud it hurts my ears...
I want to know how to get through this
Without choking up
I can't feel you
You're so far from me

Last night i had another nightmare...i was so exhausted and yet i couldnt sleep anymore after only sleeping for 3 hours. I woke up at six and decided to just surf the web. I began to drown in despair due to the alone time i had.

I know exactly what i want in life now, at the same time i dont want anything. Lauren helped me realize that the motivation i have now, does not rely on anything. I have no goals. There is no reason why i hit the gym, study more than i used to, cut people out of my life, make more friends, or smoke. There is no reason for me to feel depressed. I live for just the dreams i had a long time ago. I promised myself that i'd do whatever it took to become human and live life normally with emotions and motives. To be honest everything is a game to me and i feel like im losing. There neither are goals nor is it fun, I push to be better because im still alive. Thats the bottom line. But since this is a game and i have goals but no objectives, im forever losing.

Its funny to wake up one day and realize youre life is just a rolling wheel. Its rolling cause thats all it can do and it knows its going somewhere and where to go but it doesn't know where its going. haha

When i jumped up from my sleep this time, i smirked..and laughed slightly. Amused by my deranged mind. I dont remember the dream because it was 4 hours ago but i remember i had the urge to raise my head and scream on the top of my lungs. Just let everything go and say fuck it. Its a very powerful feeling and i remember when i blogged in my old blog "good news, i dont feel like screaming to the world anymore" haha. I still have an urge to but i decided to sit outside and smoke and type this instead.

Its funny how these past three days have been a blur, and yet its been so excessively intense. Im on break, why do i still lack so much sleep and feel as if i have so much to do? This is stage one to becoming more introverted again. Ill slap out of this though because i have china to look forward to. Ill leave everything behind until i get back.

Structure in my life? well, would my refusal to fall without kicking be structure? Ive thought about what structure i have in my life because of how lost i am, and yet i am able to lie to myself everyday and feel confident when i say to myself i know what im doing. There has to be a correlation right? or else today i may want to be an engineer but tomorrow id want to look into something im not as experienced in, in order to strengthen every aspect possible. There has to be something that keeps me going to the gym and going to the library and being depressed about my grades and not keeping up. My conclusion, The only thing holding who i am together day by day is my honesty. Everything beyond that is well..beyond me. Im a man of my word. I tell myself im going to hit the gym and i will hit the gym. I tell myself ill study more and i do. And i told myself i will study harder than before. This simple yet quite effective system originated in the days of when i lost my memory and relied only on the most recent thoughts in my head because i always forgot things that were too far in the past (a day ago). This allowed me not only constantly progress with or without proper resources, but it allowed me to seem like one sane individual to others because all i needed to do is do what i say and say what i do. Even if i forgot what i said but i know what ive done, i can probably tell you what i said and what i might do next. the difference between now and then is that now i have more confidence along with this jurisdiction, allowing me to follow through with my words with a stronger determination.

Idk i feel like shit right now though. Yesterday was Dougs bday, i think he lost his vcard? not sure but if he did congrats to him. lol. It was a really fun night until his roommate came back and his window that was the "Doorway" to the fire escape was completely destroyed. The curtains were torn and the lock to lock the fire escape was broken. he was pissed and hes usually a REALLY chill guy. I feel bad cause i went outside several times with that window to smoke instead of leaving the dorm, cause it was a hassle to get signed in. Idk who destroyed the lock though..*Shrugs* well. Time to slap myself and start a new day.