Mask for Vendetta

I had a dream, that answered my questions. All of them. I was restless last night tossing in my sleep and finally managed to fall asleep and everything was answered. Why i am more laid back, why im so easily aggravated, why i have no goals in life, and why i havent felt completely content with myself even though ive pretty much done everything in my power to fulfill my dreams. But i dont remember. LOL. fail. I feel like ive come a long way. and ive asked myself this several post ago. Why am i not grateful? it confuses me.

I was looking out the window of the subway today trying desperately to remember the dream. Instead i just began to smile, because i did realize that the reason why i no longer worry about these subconscious dilemmas is because my old self is wrong for once. I still have so much more to experience. As each month goes by i realize that i learn something new about the type of person i am and might become. Im maturing in a way that was not predicted. When i realized this truth, i realized this is something i've never cared to notice, i felt it in my gut. It made me smile. The people around me are influencing me in a way that i can be so much more subjectively open minded. idk how to explain it, but i get influenced by others instead of having external events chain react a thought process that causes me to think how it influences me, and if the event should influence me.

This is going to drive me nuts, there is some veryy small detail that ties everything together. Possibly giving me an understanding of why i live and it happened in one of the few dreams i cannot remember. I was trying to hold onto it when i woke up, like pulling a fishing net out of the ocean into the boat. but the transition and resistance caused the net to break, and the fishies ran away. I do remember i had to do with my old philosophy. To think that the last few efforts of old thomas still affect my present self fascinates me.

All i know is that, everything is going according to plan. And that unless i change, this anger is not going away. Lol. Is actually a very simple problem. i just need to remember the dream. *sigh*

So mask for vendetta is pretty much refering to the the person i am right now. Something tells me old thomas affects me much more than i think.

Oh and btw, i went to the doctor recently, apparently i have issues involving my thyroid gland. It pretty much controls metabolism, funny how i just posted about how im eating so much and now the doctor looks at my blood and says my blood is showing signs of future problems involving my metabolism. humm. Lets see how this goes.

To get back on the subject, the epiphany i had on the train looking out the window made me once again question my views on death. I still stand by the idea that im going to put a pistol to my head at the age of 50 of the stupid shit ive done hasnt already. And i feel very old for my age... I realized alot of people haven't seen alot of what ive seen yet. And this realization is due to me hanging out on campus so much, communicating with people constantly. This makes me laugh as i think back to kim calling me immature. Lauren is so right, i let females get the best of me alot, because i give them sooo much slack.

Im really interested in meditation, that dream was actually meditation, it wasnt a normal sleep. Unless people have life changing epiphanies in their sleep as well >.>. This is all thanks to fuckin rahman. Idk im just going with the flow, im getting more sensitive to his presence now because he actually knows wtf hes doing. but yeah, im been practicing alot, and with his help ill learn stuff i never did. :] anywho.

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