Dilated

Yesterday I forgot to breathe for like the sixth time this week...
Maybe it was the pink cloud strafed sky that changed my mind, and brought me back.
Seems like every day it's kill or be killed...

With all this anger, we cannot progress.
With all this anger there is no time to inhale and progress,
And catch the smell of something that you once knew...
Cause every day it's bear the load or break
When will it be too much?

Have you ever stopped, raised your face up to the sun and screamed?
Let it out exhale the pain that strangulates your soul.
When will I be free? When will I be free? When will I be free?
My lungs take in the fragrance of remorse.
What is the cost?
Am I living?
If you let your lungs fill up with pain then you will drown, then you will drown in your own regret.
I'm drowning in my own regret!

(Stop, look around, what do you see? Rebuild, Renew.
everything's so beautiful if we just take the time.)

My arms feel so numb... my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins... the taste of rust in my mouth!
So today I just threw it all away. I just threw it all away!
Though the love burns my eyes I will not be blind.
If you blink you could miss so much.
Please don't ever close your eyes.


This song, after all these years are still echoing in my head. I was playing pool with nate again today. I've never been so furious. i was fuming inside. not because i was loosing. but because i was trying to maintain my posture. It was very hard. I asked him to play with me cause her and kim were just sitting there staring at me while i played instead of playing on their own table. it was kinda annoying. Ive been pulling all nighters for the past 5 days and what REALLY ticked me off is the fact that someone said to me dude where have you been all week? i havent see you all week! and i was like yeah finals week. My fifth all nighter straight! literally ive been in the library day and night. matter of fact, im in the library now. This little bitch to my right mumbled "Thats bullshit, its impossible for a human being to do that." EXCUSE ME BITCH. Look, i had the balls to text her happy birthday this morning and i sid i hope you enjoy it. that came from common courtesy. IDC if youre a little arrogant fuck if its youre birthday shit. you should enjoy your birthday. She had the audacity to be like "thats bullshit." BITCH. You only talked to me for a week. You dont even have the slightest clue who i am. I have a pretty clear picture of who she is due to her actions though i must say, shes not that hard to read. I havent told her shit about my past, my adrenalin rushes. You dont have the slightest clue of how i act when im angry, or passionate, or sad, or happy. Even if i slapped her in the face with it she probably wouldnt know. She probably thinks im still caught up on her. The only reason im so heated is cause nate was there acting all nice to me, talking softly to me and giving me slack. Fucker wanted to apologize after he fucked with me. TOO LATE. Id fuckin spit in huys/bens/and his face if they apologized to me at this point, cause that just makes them plain pathetic. If their going to get me to the point of angry then be a pussy and back down, im sorry but that is just the most pathetic thing a man can do. It definitely helped set me off to see that kim was still being immature. I was being nice to her the whole time. waving to her when she entered, smiling when she looked at me. She technically only has one strike on me. Im reasonable. I heard her talking to nate about it too like, its impossible for a person to lack so much sleep..he mumbles something and the conversation ends..im assuming the comment was in my defense. HAHA. For the next two games alone they continued to stare at me play because i was so aggressive with my playing style. Everytime i shot you heard the ball ram the back of the pocket before it went it. I was playing decently, still getting nice positioning. They took it as tension. I was releasing my stress, Completely ignoring their existence. Shes still on my hitlist just cause shes with nate but you know, if she was alone id be mature about it. And thats another thing that bugs me. My sisters, if anyone, are not only older but honest with me. I cant trust anyone else as much as them and i listen to every word that comes out of their mouths and take it to heart. They say im not immature, just funny. i pointed out some of the things i did and their like thats not immature. So *thumbs up* lol. So kim needs to get on my level, seriously. Nvm, bump that i might cuss her out alone as well XD Haters are getting weak, and im bulking up. LOL

omg what keeps me motivated to stay up these past nights, in a funny way, is how EPIC epicmealtime is. Its a youtube channel that has the same 5ish dudes cooking/eating ridiculously epic shit. When you have free time, look up epicmealtime- protein bar on youtube. Lol its so ridiculously epic and masculine that you cant help but try to top them. haha. Actually when i finished my 10 page paper, the first time i did was fistpump then say, "Haters are getting weak, and im bulking up" *Flexes* lol its become an inside joke between me and the dudes, along with several other quotes such as "And bacon strips...and bacon strips...etc" and "chawcolate sawwuce...ahh drippin that chawwcolate...sauuce" Lol. Its so stupid and epic that its quite amusing.

Looking forward to going to the gym and banging out my last allnighter. :D then last class and work then BAM! FREE MAN. im going to kevins birthday party tonight, should be exciting. im going to pass out after one sip of beer. Lauren, i wish you can be there for me so i have someone to passout on and slap me awake XP

Well time to doing more work. fucking challenging ME saying i cant pull 5 all nighters. FUCK YOU. im going to bang out another one tonight. Haters are getting weak. Lololol Btw ive been suffering from chest pains recently. I think its due to lack of sleep and excessive smoking. lol. its a problem. Its hard to breath sometimes.