One Way

I cant say when this path started. Everything has found a way. My last post was just my realization that only one way existed after it was too late. Of course, its never too late but let me explain.

After looking out countless subway windows, and experiencing countless walks. Almost cutting people that should not be punished out of my life it became obvious to me what my dream wanted to say. I think ive dabbled too far into this meditation. The hole in wich i was saved from months, felt like years ago, has found its way back and very gradually took hold of everything i hold dear. I do not regret any of this and hopefully it will change into something better, better than the life i had not a month ago..or two months ago. I dont want to live in my head but i find that a person cannot stop thinking. Once i noticed something was wrong i naturally pushed people away in order to find out what was wrong with myself. Me smoking pot recently only sped up this process, the second to last time i smoked i was left in a trance. I knew it was a way into my head so i used it to find out what was happening to me. haha oh the irony of it all. I write as if i am dying but i feel like i am. Everyday im exhausted, more exhausted than i even knew existed. Last night douglas saw how exhausted i was and he can testify. If he said something i would spare only enough energy to open my bloodshot eyes and nod in recognition then id istantly fall back into deep sleep. This was only 2 hours after i slept for 1 hour, 3 hours after i told him i think we should go to curry because i felt like the exhaustion was becoming too much. I remember waking up slightly and hearing a murmur of a voice, telling me curry has closed and i need to leave, i slept there without realizing it for about 4 hours, because it closes at midnight. That may happen to everyone else after many nights lacking sleep, but that never happens to me unless there is excessive stress involved.
Ehh, I remember how everything feels now. How pain feels, how it feels to get punched and know that i cant and dont want to get up after, but everytime i still do. I remember how it feels to push my limits to the furthest and in complete and utter physical and mental exhaustion i laydown on what ground there is and sleep right where i lay. That was during my north carolina trip, 4 years ago...a little bit after i lost my memory. I still remembered enough to have 5 adrenline rushes straight but my mind was unstable, causing each to only last 2 hours. This allowed me to jog 14 miles non stop but my muscles were literally running on stamina i didnt have. haha i miss that feeling. I remember how it feels to love, be loved, and how it feels to forget love. I remember how it feels to hate, how it feels to kill, to die. How it feels to sit alone all night and not sleep, because its in complete and utter despair. Yet i sit still for hours on end with nothing but the feeling of hope in my lungs. Have you ever felt the Emotion of hope? Its a beautiful thing. As long as youre thoughts are not a threat to you, the feeling of hope makes them stronger.

Now im speaking in tongues. Some may say that these thoughts are only true because i tell myself they are so. I realized that i am not as complex as i say. Im actually alot more easy to read than anyone else, as long as youve seen the different sides to my personality. I am a very predictable person because i didnt care for personality more than two years ago. I was worried about who i wanted to be or my morals inside, didnt give a shit how i portrayed them. All i made sure to do was 1) treat others the way i want to be treated and 2) maintain an openmind. With that, my personality as you know it was formed quite easily. Since what past i have is a mush, if you go any deeper all you would see is a confused boy running in circles. Also i noticed that the present me in formed by pretty much...two people. nate and emily. It wasnt until my confusions with emily that i became very quiet. When intoxicated i would sit there and just release any emotional connections i had with anyone. People were people. They had faces and they were no different than the person beside them. Then nate. He brought out anger in me i didnt know still existed. I think rahman just tied everything together.

The results, even before i established that i fucked up and walked on a path i shouldnt have has made the person which is this. I am bitter, at people, i see everyone as equals aside from those that has directly earned respect from me recently. If i havent seen/talked you in say...3 weeks. id have to say otherwise. My lifestyle changed. I was much more free spirited, Amused by there the day takes me. Now i sit and wait, curious and eager to know where the day will take me, i have no energy for the spontaneous. I am unmotivated. I want to quit my job, i have no will to go or to go to the gym and if i had school i would do no work. My priorities have changed. As of now, my social life rests on a balancing ball and my love life is well, i even have no interest to physically entertain myself. Everyone is just...an indiscriminate person. not man mor woman nor white or black, religious or atheist. Everyone is just..someone. Except for the few that ive been contacting recently.

Time will change this, i know this for a fact. The mind i have now is no longer conditioned for such responsibilities. I really just want to live.


P.s.

Ive grown a new confidence thanks to this post. Im stupid. im really fucking stupid. not because of this post or cause i was depressed or cause i had two people shape whoi was. Things happen haha. Im really stupid cause i feel like im stablizing and all im interested in is taking advantage of my progress and furthering my understanding of who i was and blend it nicely with who i am. I want to live. But apparently living to me involves meditating so hell.. lets see how this works. i didnt sleep all night again cause ive been practicing like the good old days :]