Perspective

This post will be about, well.. perspective. To be more exact, Perspectives from internal and external sources, how i see myself and how others view me. I am quite the self-conscious type and I'd have to say it stemmed from my past anal-self that was very critical about my morals. First, internal judgements.

Recently i listened to Atreyu again and for the first time in a long time i felt the emotional connection i used to have with each one of those songs. I remember how sincerely i can say, wow...this is ME. Whether it be a pro or con now is up for discussion doesnt matter but it does explain why i dont have a liking for rock music anymore. I feel like Atreyu lyrics are the father of all rock lyrics. Yes, other genres have different sounds and in result, different meanings, but rock music only covers a raction of a humans emotions. It covers motivation, anger, passion, love, hate, sadnass, depression. Mostly it is love songs gone wrong or masculine pick-me-up's. But like, when Atreyu says the most strongest and influential quote, "When will i be free?"(Atreyu- Dilated) or "Am i living free"(Atreyu-creature), What happens after that? When they speak of "freedom" they refer to the psychological and emotional detachment from your problem. I pasted that point a long time ago. I understand that probably few manage to completely cut themself from their past truamas, i admit i am not. But i consider myself a "free" man. Alex, the lead singer in Atreyu was actually the last domino five years ago when i needed that final push of motivation to follow through with whatever consequences were ahead after i went to sleep that night and screwed with my memories. That was the night i considered myself a free man. Even a artist as talented as Atreyu could not write about what happens after the truama. Thats because its a completely different genre, its a different world. Rock or any genre, does not cover this field because its unique to the person. Why aren't there any songs about trying to love again is what im trying to say.

Well, regardless, Through this i, once again realized how much i progressed. But at the same time, i have no idea where im going. I feel like im paving way noone has ever gone. This idea was obscure to me before and i thought i knew i was entering a new world. But when you look at the majority as the population it frightens me because it makes me feel alone. I see the extreme gap between me and everyone else because i compared my progress to mainstream. I am not saying this in any superior manner, because im lost. But since i already been there once i cant listen to atreyu the next time i fall in love. I cant say i relate when they say "For the first time, im loosing control/ Freedom feels like a noose is gone" Because its not the first time. I relate to this bands lyrics specifically because i feel like even though it is a specific genre, The lyrics all cover the same emotions.. and Atreyu captures all and ties it with a beautiful bow. one of my favorite lines are "I lick my wounds trying to cleanse the infection./ Rabid and diseased,/ Reality fades away./ When I pushed myself too far,/ A dream of emotional perfection/ Has left a wounded heart./ Trying to perceive the gifts inherent inside me,/ It’s like squeezing the trigger,/ It’s like opening fire/ On everyone who’s let me down,/ On every beautiful lie that is (that is only fiction)" I cannot explain how much that used to explain me. But it never again will. Nor will any song. Where are the happy songs?

Call me dependant, but music is my life and ive depended on atreyu and several others to lead me this far.

Well External perspectives. Apparently Peoples first impressions of me are that im gay?! wtf is that shit? dude. im a adrenline junkie, semi douchebag, and have the ego a god. Mind you im Emotion-LESS. Can someone please tell me why they think im gay? Besides the fact that i make homosexual comments its not like they are comments that would make one think..dude hes flaming >.> its obviously gay jokes made by a straight guy. like.. omg becky. even a gay guy doesnt say that. or. DONT MAKE ME SUCK YO DICK. which i find quite amusing at times. but wtf...im just confortable with my sexuality. Fuck you guys. seriously. No i will not change who i am. But i would like to seriously know and would change it if it is something i am just so comfortable doing that i dont notice. The way i stand? The way i talk? My voice not deep enough? dude if im a straight guy and my masculinity is being challenged so im going to be offended. Im acting like a bigger douche bag now. Three guys said they thought i was gay the first time they saw me. So now everytime they make a joke i just just laugh it off like i used to. i fuckin punch them in the kidney. Before i change my personality anymore i would like to know your perspective. Even kevin said he thought i was gay at first when i went partying with him! Is it ignorance? cause some people arent exposed to enough homosexuals and dont understand the difference. Even though they said its not the "your a fag" context and more "your actually a homosexual" i still think they are fuckin ignorant. It pisses me off that they were so straight forward about it because its like..they arent afraid of me. You dont say that to a fellow straight guy! you get socked in the mouth! I need to be a bigger douchebag.