Restrictions

Funny how i say NAY to meditation! Previously but of course fate must fight against my outcry against my true nature. For the past two to three days i am drained of energy throughout the entire day. Insanity has broke open the door and come back into my life that cannot withstand such powerful emotional movement. For at least 15 mins at a time i would randomly get a surge of madness rush through me. My blood pressure rises to the point where i can heart my heartbeat over my music. Focus is completely out of the question and my mind goes through all the could have should have would have but didn'ts in my life.Sometimes if its bad enough i dont think of anything and those take 30 mins to pacify because i dont have any repellent to plain insanity. It makes me want to kill someone. My hands would shake uncontrollably and the more i breath and try to contain it the more mad it becomes. I smoke way too much now because of this. The only way to stop this from happening, that i can think of, is the use of meditation and wiping my head clean of all thoughts. i noticed my short term memory will suffer due to this but right now smoking cannot suffice. I need someone to punch me. Fuck insanity. I dont like laughing at my own misfortunes. It drives me into a state of lies and hides me behind that viel ive been so desperately trying to tear to shreds with the help of this blog and socializing with others. Insanity also makes me want to drop all ambitions and strive to perfect myself and strengthen the mind. I dont want that.

I now know i want to feel. I want emotions. I want to Actually excel without some fucked up aspirations. I want to breath. mentally i become like a hot rock just Cooking itself with madness. FUCK EVERYONE. I dont want anyone to see me like this :[ Fuck i just missed my last train i need sleep. Whenever i get these surges it takes up more energy than a 20 mile walk. I know this cause i can still function without sleep if i do the walk for hunger. Thats physical stamina. This eats away the mental stamina and causes so much stress. yesterday after i laid in bed sleepless and going mad until 6am, i fell asleep feeling lke i havent slept for 3 days. i ended up waking up at 6pm. Fuck you emily. it really is all her fault. I worried and cared for her so much that her madness threw me off the cliff. The surge has subsided for now.

Now that i offically missed the last train (accidently) i have to stay up all night and more prone to witness more of these surges.

P.s. first surge of the night and i felt great coming from work an hour our two ago. This surge completely trumped the monster i finished not two hours ago. this is fuckin nuts. im so exhausted already... need sleep and i cant sleep in the fuckin library. NUT UP AND HAUL ASS like good old days. damn i withstanded this shit everyday when i was younger...and came to welcome it. How did i do it? Atreyu-Dilated all over again lol LET DO THIS GRR.

P.s.s. So good news. After the first surge that was the only surge and the last one. With my awesomeness i booted that shit out. If stuff troubles you just erase it. :P. It was hard but i brought that shit back right before it completely disappeared and i fought it head on and gave it a good 1 2 punch haha bossy. Time for life to continue