Coincidence

No matter how small the event is, it is the combination of all these events which truely count. I know first hand exactly what fate means. Everything in my life is neither coincidence nor due to a hypothetical puppeteer. But i believe that if you take 1 week of my life, just a random.. one rather more busy weeks, you will see something remarkable. Reading in between the lines there is a pattern. Everything in your life is due to the decisions you made and/or little pushes which come out of thin air. These little "pushes" cause you, subconsciously, to continue making these spectrum of decisions. This is what the more abstract but applicable side of my past meditation has taught me. This cycle is then what you call..my life, maybe anyones life. Youd notice it well if you read my past post and compare it to my recent ones...even though ive changed so much..i havent changed at all. In conclusion, this is what id like to call Soul. It took me 7 years to finally finish the explanation of the meaning body, mind AND soul. I Finished this philosophical train of thought in 9th grade. This was how i was sure that no matter what happens to me, i will be okay as long as my soul is intact. Of course, memories though small pieces of very fragile data, make up almost 80% of your soul. Thats why i got scared when i started losing my memories. Im slowly making more and more connections as time runs its course. Things such as the recent surge of insanity. (the reason why i was far too exhausted to wake up when i wanted to (and was suppose to) go shopping with you, im sorry.) It Really help bring back such memories and help me figure out who i am. The push that vanished the though of ever having insanity enter my life again came after the feeling of insanity lingered after i fought it off the first time, it taunting me that it would come back and continued chewing at my head. Thats when the good old thomas came back with a spike of..well, insanity. Fight fire with fire is was always the best solution and with that insane anti insanity surge came these memories. Even though i know there are completely different parts of my life i tend to call new thomas and old thomas. I believe the thoughts during those transitions are what count the most. Maybe when i gather enough memories id finally make everything into one piece and truely be happy. Epiphany. Maybe that is the true beauty in MY life.

Well, let me continue with the more realitic reason as to why i titled this Coincidence. I might not show it at all, but i take every criticism to heart. It affects me on a more subconscious level. Because it is still young and i dont know what i want since i have just started this new me not...3 years ago. Reactions and proper responses tend to escape me under tense situations. One would call that chronic socially awkward. lol. but what i do know is that the recent chain of events is no coincidence. This is a period in my life where everything in the past when i made a impulsive decision comes back, with the help of that invisible hand. MAny would consider this another day, another week, another night. This thanksgiving is truely special though. Hint: this is the same old shit, its not really actually that special, but im a philosophy fanatic at heart and to see the world at work is rare and im very grateful when it slaps me in the face.

I want to meditate again. This time. Not just dive into it. Epiphany tells me there are as many paths as the strongest mind can see. Unlike before which was only a theory of the obvious possibility of there being another more effective and strong path than my past one, ive actually felt this spectrum not too long ago. With the chain of events and the time being winter. This is all too perfect of a time to begin training..and not like before where its like..okay hold my nose and try to dip in and see how long i can last. Thats me being me and trying to use trial and error.

I want to create a brand new pathway into my mind. Not so naive as happiness. Definitely not anger. But something to integrate everything i have from insanity to the most charismatic personality. That wasn't meant to be boasting at all but people say they can FEEL my emotions when i talk, when i type, but only when the situation is priceless. Its quite flattering, probably derived from my past knowledge of looking into peoples eyes. Its okay, i find myself speaking so mythologically quite ridiculous myself right now. This type of meditation...i feel it. Its pure. It is meant do dig deep into what i was looking into before but with a passionate eye, not just an obsessed and needy eye which i had before. there is a slender difference. Now this epiphany just occurred moments ago..when i was actually watching harry potter.

For some reason i started thinking about the golden seeker in harry potter...that in turn opened a port to me back in 05 when i watched goblet of fire with phi..the year i lost my memories. it was nothing deeply analytical like of that day. It was just a glance. While i was at it, i looked everywhere around me now and noticed..this setup isnt much different than my life back then..not as climatic..but i hope it goes up hill from here like it did back then. If not then then working on then hauling this epiphany of a new type of meditation may take years or decades to work upon. may fate be kind once more. Hopefully i dont have to sacrifice my emotions or memories again to obtain a unbiased and open mind.

This should be fun.