Aspirations

Im starting to slack in school and its starting to annoy me. Why? because im naturally a lazy person and old habits die hard. Its fucking annoying. Speaking of fucking annoying aside from my academics which i cant focus on sometimes and still cant even if i slap myself. I notice I've actually become quite a douchebag. The man that used to have the patience that would never waiver is disintegrating. Now i have the urge to punch someone in the face if they are being the annoying.

For instance, my friend nate, not sure if i mentioned him in past post but he taught me how to use autocad in the beginning. Hes a douchebag at heart. I used to be very patient with him and everyone but that has suddenly left me when i went to school 3 days ago exhausted. Like usual, i was at the library with him overnight pulling a all-nighter and playing video games. He has the tendency to reach over when your playing games and spam every button on the keyboard. I was tired and wanted to just play games for a short period of time then crack down on hw but nope of course he would never let me. After the second time he did him i nudged him hard and tangled his arms up with my one free hand. He started laughing and since he had two free hands he wrestled mine into a lock and started to bend my fingers back. My fingers are not flexible at all and the furthest it goes is straight up so it hurt. I took my other hand and clenched a fist and i took the gamble by swinging a punch and i managed to stop right before his nose. Then i said,"stop" gently. fuckin guy. i usually can control my punches very well but i wasn't sure if i might accidentally follow through too much if i actually want to punch him. Besides every time i do that i actually put my body into it so yeah. If i did punch him in the jaw we would have started fighting right in the library xD. Same goes for Kevin and pretty much anyone. I dont like this new change in me but its actually what i wished for. 5 years ago it was my goal to blend my happy side with my angry serious side so even though i dont like it i have to remember there was a period of my life i wanted this and but my life into obtaining it. So i guess i respect this change.

Another thing that is starting to annoy me is my cousin from china. I dont feel bad for him because he just came from china even thought he doesnt know a lick of english, because he is 27 and can hold his own. I respect him for who he is: a respectful, watchful cousin that still keeps in mind that he is a guest at our house. So, is personality is fine and i hugn out with him but dude..he needs to get his own fuckin laptop. lol. I let him use it out of courtesy and its ne of those things you say your perfectly "fine" with, but youre actually not. this is my new baby and i love her. Im so scared hes downloading random shit or just treating it badly. It also has become a hassle for me because the laptop now uses two interfaces, one chinese and the other being english. to switch from typing english to chinese i can either press caps..or shift. the annoying thing is caps still works as caps so its fine for chinese but in english pressing caps means turning it into english AND making everything caps. So that means i have to switch it to shift..everyone knows you need shift. I should have used it at least ten times in the last paragraph. So now i have to get used to pressing caps... Just the small things which arent actually inconveniences make me irk, especially with my surprisingly short temper.

Anywho time for the real reason for this title, "Aspirations", which actually refers back to my acedemics. Im mad at myself because i feel like i depend on meditation wayy too much. I try so hard to perfect my mentality before even doing shit that it doesnt get anything done. For example, when i noticed myself slacking i started thinking, damn i wish i knew how to meditate then i can change this. That is completely bullshit. I could probably change it but now i feel like i just need to put my foot down. Hell is freezing over. haha yet, i still feel the obligation to learn how to meditate for relaxation and self discipline purposes. Even though they can be done without it. Im human and all i can do is aim for MORE. Aspirations are something you keep saying but never follow through with. Thats what happens when you try to bring meditation to reality. My old self might be able to prove me wrong. but thats what i think right now. the things im sayaing right now are bold.. and i might think otherwise later because i know who i am and who i was. I think. So im going to stop. haha but come on thomas! crack down and fuckin get them A's so you can slap your dad in the face!

P.s. i still want to punch my dad in the face. He was whining like a bitch about driving me to northeastern one day even though he offered since hes going to pick up my sister anyways. He usually picks my sister up from work to drive her back to her dorm and he was going to be late picking her up now that he drove me to school. He was clearly making bullshit excuses and not admitting he was playing favorites like "your wasting my time and gas, dont you understand how precious that is?" Bullshit. Fuckin cocksucker you yell at me every night before i sleep saying why didnt you call me to pick you up?! im retired and dont have shit to do anyways. I get home at one and still have the courtesy to let them sleep, thats why. I got so mad when he was just bitching the whole ride to northeastern like, why couldnt you just take the green line? or take the bus. Well i thought he was going to BU, and he even said "isnt there a greenline near bu you can take?" and im like..thats a B line dad, and he didnt believe me. so i had to call my sister and have her say no dad, there is no e line near bu. So then i said why does it matter? if you follow the green line by car youll be passing neu anyways to get to bu. and then he says im not going to bu, her work place is near home so now i have to go back around. WELL IS IT SO HARD TO JUST DRIVE YOUR SON TO SCHOOL CAUSE I NEEDED TO CATCH THE E LINE TO GO TO WORK? fuck you dad. seriously. Besides go fuckin pick up laurie when your driving back home! DUH.. or if i knew you coulda picked her up before we went to neu. He nade such a big deal out of it it was ridiculous. Even though i spoke to mom about our arguement and laid down my logic as to why shes a fucking dick and why dads a bigger dick and why i wasnt home for 4 days the day he disowned me, she said oh well, dad still loves you. Bullshit. Fuck parents honestly, every so often he still shows his true self when hes forced to choose between me or my sisters. He doesnt change. I want to punch him in the face for being such a bad father. I told my mom that to. I told her shes lucky my dad wasnt K.o.'d on the floor. *spits* im going to smoke. Then do my fuckin homework. But just to clarify, i dont hope my dad rots in hell. my emotions against him is similar though, i just wishes he would get his ego bitchslapped cause im going to be living in the house for the next 5 years at least. My mom is improving though,shes not such a retard. Then again im never at home. only reason why im home more often now is because my cousin wants to use my laptop -_-.
Well this post was fun Ciao!