Diagnostic

My life is like how my laptop was a week ago. It was sudddenly infected by a win32 blaster worm. It happens to my computer every once in a blue moon cause of all the streaming and torrenting. Luckily with my knowledge of antivirus its only a matter of time that i kill it :D. Backround info about //blaster.worms ....they can be very smart and very fucking annoying. The one i just got rid of implanted itself so deeply into my computer and sprea out its files so that i couldnt kill it so easily and i had to hunt it down. Anywho the reason why my computer is like my life is because this worm wasnt so bad just really fucking annoying. Like my life, my computer was infected with an unwanted virus but if i went to one of the files and deleted it before the virus started up it wouldnt bother me for say...20 mins..then because there were other places where it planted itself it would spring back to life and trouble me once again. I have this virus that i can dig a hole and bury momentarily but it surfaces and mindfucks me time to time. The virus automatically force stops everything in my life, forcing me to shutdown, get into safe mode and delete what i think is the source of my problem just to have it spring back up 20 minutes later.

Let me stop beating around the bush, i actually thought of that analogy when i was taking a shower so i thought i might as well write it down...ive been outlining this post in my head for the past five hours now cause there is so much fucked up shit going on in my life. Academically i got a C- in one class and completely bombed my lab because i gave up during the last two weeks of school. Why? Cause its becoming more and more apparent to me that yes, i love engineering and i belong in engineering, but i belong in philosophy more. I realized this after pouring my heart out to my cousin high a week or two ago. Engineering...physics...innovation and science is a philosophy of its own its extremely conceptual and completely applicable. i guess my head found it to be the perfect subsitute for medittion and thinking too much. The problem is i'm fucking failing in the core requirements. Once i realized that what i love might not be meant for me because of my work ethics, its freakin truamatizing. I thought i knew where i was going in life and now i feel as if i dont belong in mechanical engineering. My confidence is shattered. To top that, Im in a financial crisis right now, i havent registered for courses and im a complete and utter failure overall. I feel like i amount to nothing right now. To top that, I cant fucking go to the gym to relieve my stress, im completely failing in my social life because i no longer fucking know who i am. Idk...my outlining failed i was suppose to type this to make my life sound like a complete mess but i cant type with the essence of despair just because im in such chaos right now that when i try to pour my heart out i eat it. I honestly feel great right now because im trying to type everything out but my mind wont let me see this shit on paper. This is the virus..and I bury shit. It drives me nuts. This is why i have such bad memory, because whenever something bad happens to me i automatically forget it..sometimes forever. Im truamatized right now.

I started thinking about my life alot thanks to donvu, and i mean that with full respect cause talking to him in person about 3 hours ago definitely showed me how fucked up i am right now. My emotions were confused from the start. I knew i never felt more depressed than i did an hour ago but at the same time i didnt feel...anything...i just felt like shit.

I like to tell myself im fucking glad i never went to the doctors cause i think im chronically depressed but since a doctor never diagnosed me i have every right to believe that im not. Thats why i can navigate so gracefully around my..shit. lol Eh im not complaining though, this is probably the happiness moment in the past several weeks...right now..when im typing. Cause nothing is going on in my head. I am anti drama through and through so there is no need for me to distress over something i cant fix at 1am in the morning, especially the academics therefore, i dont. I will begin worrying about it again once im at work and getting off work, cause im going to go to the fuckin academic advisor and cry in his arms haha.

Idk what to say...im a complete and utter mess and yet i cant freaking type it GRRR i wish i can trick myself in spilling my distress, showing where the virus is so i can squash it. But my mind refuses to see its agony materialize. I was so excited to write this blog too..

I do know that what really is bother me is my emotions. I hide it even from myself so well that even when im depressed i cant fucking feel a thing. For example, When Lauren told me she was going to see a stranger i showed worry...but i didnt feel it...but i know i should have felt it. When the girl i like stopped texting me i didnt feel sad..but i know i should have felt sad...everything negative just turns into this little pebble in my stomach that makes me uncomfortable and thats it. Even depression itsself. This is whats REALLY bothering me because ive felt depression before but even when im depressed i dont fucking feel depression i just feel so...stressed due to the uncomfort and i feel misplaced. Its not like Oh this is depression..im depressed..this is jealousy im jealous this is happiness, im happy. Its not like that anymore. Even the feeling of missing someone or liking someone is different...well its always been for me. But its all jumbled into this uncomfortableness. This is exactly how i was 5 years ago. This is because of the stress im feeling right now due to my lifestyle has forced me to shutdown everything. I want to just be alone.

What else is happening in my life? Swiss, my smoking buddy..i havent smoked with him in god knows how long because i havent had any weed and the past several times ive smoked i smoked his stuff with him. So finally i got some stuff and well...This isnt the first time but we vibe so strongly when i smoke with him it scared me. You definitely wouldnt understand when your sober and you most definitely wouldnt understand when you dont smoke at all but believe it or not two people can sit in a room completely quiet and understand each other better. Because of smoking, my awareness of people when im not depressed (aka around at least 2 or more people or when im longboarding) has increased tremendously. My ability to understand anothers intentions and emotions during an oral or typed conversation has greatly improved. Me and swiss are a special case though, we vibe so strongly that i can hear his voice inside my head. He has such a smile on but he is so fucking angry inside. I thought i was hallucinating and weed is not a hallucinogen so i knew i wasnt tripping. I took that big inhale like when you drink too much and need to sober up as much as you can and you open your eyes and exhale and look around. I did that...and started a conversation with him...and i still heard him yelling in my head I think he hates me or he is just a extremely angry person inside. I swear. And its really bothering me..Hes probably the angriest person ive ever met but i do not see anything but a smile on his face..i want to confront him about it but im hesitant cause all we do is smoke together...we never had a intellectual conversation before.

This blogpost is starting to bother me cause i was suppose to show how depressed i was...am...but clearly thats not happening so im just going to end it. Idk..Fml Ive hit a new low. I remmeber telling donvu that...im forgetting what i even said to him. fml. IT just vanished from my memory. WTF IS GOING ON. I need to snap out of it.

P.S. OH THE IRONY OF IT ALL! so i said my laptop was fixed a week ago...but honestly this is my first time using it since then and well..right when i posted this blogpost i reread it like usual for obvious grammar mistakes that may cause confusion and the freakin laptop was sent to the blue screen of death..i reopen the computer and now the virus is somehow back in my computer...and idk where. hahahaha fml. My new antivirus caught you bitch. But its alive and trying to recooperate. Oh fml.