justify

Lately im been really physically tired...then again i always was cause i forever lack sleep so even then i sleep at midnight and wake up at 8 for several days straight i know there will still be a likelyhood that my sleeping schedule would still have me exhausted throughout the day. I have so much fucking energy. But now i noticed...damn..i miss feeling 100 percent because then i honestly feel like i could do anything...besides run. The only time i was 100 percent was with theresa..but Damn been running around alot this weekend and my lungs cant handle it haha smoker fail i need to quit! Rawr. Im going to finish this pack and just...not buy any. If anything ill bum one haha

This weekend was my get away cause i went to wellsley thinking alright i feel like i just broke up with a girlfriend i dont have...i need to spice it up. We were all completely trashed..started drinking beers at 8 then went to wellsley at 9 buzzed pregamed more with 151 and vodka also smoked with arthur and some of the friends there then drank some more...i wasnt smoking to get high i was smoking to just get crossfaded haha alchohol combined properly with weed make my body just...weird haha especially since i was a bit depressed god knows i would fuckin hate the night by the end if i were just drunk. You can tell i do this too much cause i know my body way too well haha but yeah it was really lame. Every girl there was freakin lesbian! And so i was just dancing with the dudes and creeping at the same time..closest i got to dancing with anyone was when i was just watching kanji wave like he usually does...and hes really good at it. I made eye contact with this one girl and smile she smiles back and since she was watching kanji too i just walked over and introduced myself and asked for a dance. She was like okay. We start dancing then this freakin lesbian grabs her from me and pulls her to the otherside of the dancefloor. *facepalm* lol so luckily i was not just drunk cause i would not have enjoyed it whatsoever...but i managed to enjoy it with the dudes and watch girls...some very attractive girls..makeout. it was a whooel new world lol. So moral of the story pregame before going to parties haha

Last night me and the more asian part of bfbg hung out and smoked lkke...7 coals of hookah. It was a chill sober night. Minh khang kanji and khangs room mates which are chill. Ive gotten closer to kanji now and hes super fun to be around haha minh is always a character and khang is just...well hes just a really chill dude haha so it was fun. Kanji is really good at smoke tricks so he picked up soap bubbles really quick and filled the room with them haha. I was smoking alot too but ehh maded one soap bubble and was like..yay! Then worked on keeping music playing and cameras rolling haha it was a really energetic night there were like 10 people smoking eating socializing and just chillling so ehh..i enjoyyed it :) we ended up meeting up with chris at around 1 and omfg jamal is such a ridiculous and funny drunk and everyone except the people i was with were trashed as we went to get food. One girl was found passed out outside bhop and nupd took her away cause she shat herself. And everywhere was just a show haha i enjoyed it it was halarious then we came back to khangs dorm and passed out. Haha

Edit::

So i finished eating..its late and i dont know what to do so i decided to pick up a book. I havent read this book in weeks and ive been carrying it in my bag for maybe as long as half a year, but i want to finish it and sometimes all im really looking for is a book to read. I read for thirty minutes then stopped..cause i started thinking. This is also why i read..its not to enjoy the book lol when i say "I like to leisurely read" That doesnt mean i like books..well sometimes i do cause dan brown books..damn i blew through those and they were like crack..but for the most part they are definitely a period of reflection for me. Once i get into my reading mood and read im able to block everything out Im reading but at the same time im organizing my thoughts and bouncing them off the context in front of me. Its very easily for me to just...stop reading and straight daydream with this book though cause its from Stephen king and its titled Insomnia. Its mindfucking creepy and about a guy that never sleeps. Sounds fimilar? well its kinda like me. Its about this old man that its trying to get by even though hes insomniac because old people sleep less...and his wife died years ago. So hes a dude thats just trying to take it a day at a time but his body is starting to see hallucinations and reality begins to blend with dream due to his lack of sleep.

Anywho...what im trying to get at is..im lost. not because of lack of sleep..but because there is something missing.. I feel a knot in my chest that ive never felt before. I think i fucked up this time and bad. I feel like a mess..I still think about her all the time...but im scared because i think its too late. By now i would have forgotten about any girl, but theresa is different and i cant shake it but i dont know what to do. sigh* I feel like we just got into a fight and stopped talking but then give it a couple days and the feelings come right back..haha Im like a bipolar raging vagina. *shrugs* I wish i didnt read that book. I need a drink cause i have no more cigs haha Its like forgetting about this girl is out of the question. What is this sorcery?! haha My question is...why didnt she ever comply and show her feelings as well? i mean...the only reason why someone is willing to tell another they like them is because they are not afraid of rejection..*shrugs* questions are popping up again haha

Im listening to my 5 songs from the killers again cause welp..i just dont know what to do and it has been my fail proof playlist for any situation. Depressed? Stressed? need to fall asleep? want some good music? or just need to study? Listen to The killers- "Sweet Talk", "Goodnight, Travel Well", "This river is wild", "Sam's Town", then "Daddy's eyes" respectively. It was my cure for any situation haha has been for years. The tempo and lyrics and mood of all of these songs in this order work like a massage to me haha.

Well ive decided im going to sleep im too tired haha The playlist helped me decide cause there are somethings friends, blog, food, gym and music just cant help with. and when that happens theres cigs..but since i dont have any so shit...rage quit haha. Actually bump that. i never rage quit..im going to the gym. lol...fuck i dont have a gym shirt...just checked. Im going to study. -_- YOU CAN NEVER LOSE STUDYING! *nods*