Nets

Look into my eyes again and you might see a new person.This what i tend to tell people but to do this i have to further my hardships needlessly. I need to find a balance between life and finding glory in miniscule things. There is no glory when there is no food on the table. Glory? That word seems to be lost within the last...century. Why am i hellbent to find something that has no profit?

I sat down today and asked myself what i wanted to do with my life and what holds meaning to me. After my previous blogpost where i established that nothing has meaning to me, I thought its the first place i could look to find what ive been confused about. Before my life in itself held value, as well as happiness and love. Clearly, as shown from the past two post, even after all ive been through i would be most glad to put a pistol to my head. So its clearly not that, happiness is a fleeting emotion. I cannot look for it nor can i ask for it, therefore it cannot be something i live for, maybe something i cherish but if im willing to give my life why would an emotion hold any greater value than that? Then comes love, Love isnt an emotion its a passion that directly influences another. It holds no bounds but if hope and my ambitions have changed then that also becomes meaningless to me. I guess im a soldier. Idk I used to relate myself to a boxer, always getting up and always pushing forward. You cant see it, no one can except me. Its hard to explain and it honestly cant be comprehended. Maybe its because i know how it feels to be (sober and) completely hopeless literally laying in the dirt and feeling as if there is nowhere left to go, completely spent mentally and physically. Even though life keeps moving forward i have this idea in my head that the present could change everything, which is true, of course it changes everything but so does the future. The future can change you because even though you're going through shit you eat it because you know its not where you're suppose to be. Idk what taught me such black and white thoughts and why im obsessed with this idea of self-empowerment. I guess its because something in the past told me that if i can handle all types of shit then i will excel, regardless of the situation.

I live in a very fantasy world that does not require economy, politics, religion, education, productiveness, and the other things that make a man successful. My idea is that i live being who i am and i try to learn as much as possible but in a very quick and efficient way, one that doesnt require the idea of hard work, persistence, and consistency. I focus more so on fear, flaws and motivation. How to improve myself as a person and less on how to improve my life being the person i am. Why? idk. Its an interesting way of veiwing life that ive noticed to be very counter-productive in this day and age. I focus on bettering myself while the world conspires for miracles to happen in case i fail, which is a majority of the time due to my stubbornness. I refuse to grow up and take responsibilities or be the man that makes a difference. I am more of the type that feels the difference in more important when it originates from within. One path is easier and much less time is wasted, while the other achieves the same things but goes in a full circle before i learn anything.

Dont get me wrong though, i work fast so the extra efforts are only displayed through my actions as mistakes. I have so much uselessness going on that i dont focus and i slip up.

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