Soul

So what i think happened is that a peice of me self destructed haha. Cause i stablized..or so i think but i still cannot hold conversations for shit! there is nothing i want to talk about with anyone. Talking just is out of the equation for me and anyone..its weird. I forget what i used to talk about. 99% of the day there is literally nothing that goeson in my head. i swear im stupid. Another hypothesis i have that might make more sense is maybe im just crawling into a hole of complete and utter apathy. Whatever it is it clearly im clearly not comfortable, if i am id be still doing good in pool haha i like how i use that as a marker but its true. in order to play pool i have to be confident and comfortable with myself and my judgements but ive been missing every shot and just having a complete cold streak. My motto has become "its Whatever" haha. Honestly, i dont know whats going on with me and honestly i dont care haha i think im comfortable where i am. Not because i like feeling apathetic but because regardless there is zero drama! how can there be any drama if i dont talk? only makes sense. So as long as my life is drama less i can find happiness. haha

Actually i lied maybe its not dramafree because i must admit i am attracted to one person. And im not even sure how attracted i am to this person but if someone told me this is the reason why ive been acting strange this entire time i would not be surprised at all. This is legit, i think of her all the time and she puts a smile on my face but she doesnt comply so i just sit back and act myself...and well myself has been rather quiet and indifferent lately so eh. Unfortunately i fall for the stupidest girls. She probably wouldnt know good guy if it slapped her across the face to be honest haha. *shrugs* but who am i to judge.

Anywho life is dull I do nothing but come to campus and watch movies, maybe read, dabble in maximum 5 games of pool...anything to waste the day away after that. Days have quickened to normal pace but my sleep is RETARDED. i mean last night i passed out when i actually was suppose to(11pm-12am), ended up waking up at 6am. *shrugs* then i stayed up for 3 hours and passed out until 2. I think ive been having alot of nightmares cause i wake up really dazed and distant like the first day that i knew something was off but now ive grown accostom to it. Kinda sad i know, but after all these years id have to say the only thing i can be proud of is how well i adapt to internal conflicts haha. I dont even adapt though..cause if i did adapt id probably be done with this shit but its still affecting me so idk.

Before i used to just lack self-esteem because of all the things that kept changing in my life. But i still was confident, full of willpower and perseverance and these things i can downright say im proud of. Now im clearly lacking confidence or else ill be able to hold conversations. Im lacking willpower cause i dont know how to change it and im lacking perseverence because i dont even know wtf is wrong with me and im stablizing at a whole new low...hopefully i just somehow bounce back.

Its hard to describe the type of person i have become, but hanging out with me once or twice if you were a close friend of mine might make it very obvious...Ive never asked my close friends though...just not something that could be described as a normal conversation..O.o or so i think

Speaking of which i might smoke with kanji tomorrow, im hellbent to fix what started this all. He offered to smoke me up and this is an interesting offer even though he knows of my bad trip...he was there..this awkwardness all started with him. I either hit a new low tomorrow and immediately put a fucking bullet through my head or fix everything haha i honestly doubt itll be the first option, because even sober i have nothing to talk to him about. I feel awkward deep inside. If i fix it, i still refuse to smoke with college friends ever again haha weed just isnt for me.

I know its a bad route to go down its such a bad route but its a strong lead. Ive been thinking at night and ive thought this for years because its true. I used to be a fighter, not giving a flying fuck nothing can break me. Now im smoking..addicted. my mind is in a million pieces, im confused as to who my real friends are, and now i hav to result in depending on another drug to pull me out of a situation? The FUCK? This is not me. I used to be able to just literally go like. wait..hold the phone fucking slap up thomas cause youre being ridiculous and that would relieve me of everything. Then again it buried alot too, and thats probably what im paying for now but thats besides the point! haha i miss my gung-ho shit..my guns. Before i started working out cause i was fucking proud to be who i am naturally.

Well rant rant rant nothing really new cause my life is fucking boring so ummm ttyl! :D